back to article Yahoo! is! up! for! sale! – so! how! much! will! you! bid!?

Yahoo! has officially called in the bankers to explore "strategic alternatives" for the company; in other words trying to find someone to buy up the non-Alibaba side of the business. "Separating our Alibaba stake from Yahoo's operating business is essential to maximizing value for our shareholders. In addition to the reverse …

  1. Ole Juul Silver badge

    $4

    But the exclamation mark goes.

    1. Richard Jones 1

      Re: $4

      You are all over bidding, it should be cash paid to take it away.

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: $4

      After thinking this over, I'll give $100 and then take a tax write-off just for kicks and grins.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    And Marissa

    Will walk away with millions of dollars for "guiding Yahoo through a difficult period", or some other BS meant to justify rewarding failure. No wonder Google didn't fight to keep her.

    1. LordLestat

      Re: And Marissa

      And the result will be that Google is buying Yahoo to enlarge their market share dominance!

      1. Grikath Silver badge

        Re: And Marissa

        Alphabet just might to put it out of its misery.. They could spin it as a service to Humanity and should be up for a Medal of Honour for that..

      2. Turtle

        @LordLestat Re: And Marissa

        "And the result will be that Google is buying Yahoo to enlarge their market share dominance!"

        Although it seems that that was intended as a humorous comment, is there any reason why that wouldn't or couldn't happen?

      3. Hans 1 Silver badge

        Re: And Marissa

        >And the result will be that Google is buying Yahoo to enlarge their market share dominance!And the result will be that Google is buying Yahoo to enlarge their market share dominance!

        to increase their market share by 0.000...1%, why ????

        I guess MS will come to the rescue, they need yahoo for Bing, and always love to invest in pits, the deeper, the better - they will probably pay $10 to $15 bn ...

  3. xperroni
    Paris Hilton

    Architecturizing strategic alternatives for maximizing value

    "As both shareholders and employees, all of us here at Yahoo want to return this iconic company to greatness. We can best achieve this by working with the committee to pursue various strategic alternatives while, in parallel, aggressively executing our strategic plan to strengthen our growth businesses and improve efficiency and profitability."

    I've got an idea: bullshit-as-a-service! Just create a web interface to the bullshit generator they already use internally to generate these blurbs. Think how much other companies could save in PR fees!

    1. GrumpenKraut Silver badge

      Re: Architecturizing strategic alternatives for maximizing value

      > Just create a web interface to the bullshit generator they already use...

      Didn't they do that a long time ago?

    2. MrT

      BaaS...

      Press release to all media outlets:

      "Sean the Sheep wishes to distance himself from any and all association with this concept. He is in no way, now or ever, connected with Yahoo or its subsidiaries, even if he occasionally causes exclamation marks to be used."

    3. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

      Re: Architecturizing strategic alternatives for maximizing value

      I thought that's what they did (Obligatory exclamation marks stacked here !!!!!!)

  4. Ketlan
    Happy

    Not a lot

    Tree-fiddy, and not a penny more.

  5. Tromos

    "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

    I see. A pre-emptive bid. Well, that's me out.

    1. Pangasinan

      Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

      That's US dollars and British crisps.

      I need to consult the exchange rate before I bid

      What's that in Philippine Peso?

      1. Dan 55 Silver badge

        Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

        I'm pretty sure it was Australian pesos^Wdollars.

    2. Graham Marsden

      Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

      Tin of Baked Beans!

      1. Teiwaz Silver badge

        Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

        "Tin of Baked Beans!"

        - Does no one remember else 'The Goodies and the Beanstalk'?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

          Quality and it lives on... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjdyIQpOGy4

    3. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

      What flavour are the crisps?

      1. x 7

        Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

        "What flavour are the crisps?"

        cheese

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

          Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

          Okay, thanks for the info!

          *Ahem* I bid 3.75 $ and two packets of salt & vinegar crisps!

          1. Eddy Ito Silver badge
            Stop

            Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

            Now hang on, it clearly said chips so we need clarification. Which side of the Atlantic are the chips from and are they part of the bid or part of what you get?

    4. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

      25p and a packet of Rolos...

    5. MrDamage

      Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

      I've got some *ahem* fertiliser spread across some rather soft and absorbent paper.

      I bid 3 sheets of that.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Yahoo's biggest problem has been one of identity. What do they do exactly?

    It's going to be their biggest selling problem as well. What am I buying, exactly?

    1. Simon Westerby 1

      feck all......

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      @skelband

      What do they do exactly?

      From the second paragraph: maximizing value for our shareholders. That's apparently it. Everything except the Alibaba bit is losing money.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: @skelband

        "maximizing value for our shareholders."

        I believe they also something something diversity.

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

          Re: @skelband

          mumble mumble core competence mumble...

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: @skelband

        "maximising value for shareholders" .... "losing money" ....

        Well, there is potential value in things that lose money, especially when it comes to tax time .....

  7. John Tserkezis

    Naw, I don't actually want it at all, but I'll pay you to take it away along with the rest of the rubbish at our front yard.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      "I'll pay you to take it away"

      Are you sure you can afford that?

  8. x 7

    do they take bids in Transnistrian rubles?

  9. Captain DaFt

    Whoa, High rollers!

    After due thought, I've some pocket lint I'd trade for it.

    Act now, and I'll even throw in a used band-aid - FREE!

    1. Diogenes

      Re: Whoa, High rollers!

      How about - you pay me to take this stinker of your hands ?

  10. a_yank_lurker Silver badge

    My Bid

    -$20,00 USD (You pay me to take the Putrid Palace)

  11. Mikel

    External advisors

    Have external advisors ever recommended "strategic plan" other than "scrap it for parts"? Ever?

    Why not save the time and expense of hiring them and get right to it then? The quickest cut is the final kindness.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: External advisors

      They've been advised to "scrap it for parts" for years, and years, and years.

      Management arrogance always thought they could turn it around.

      Destruction of shareholder value on this scale over this period of time should be considered criminal incompetence.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: External advisors

        "Destruction of shareholder value on this scale over this period of time should be considered criminal incompetence."

        The shareholders employ the board. If they don't rock up to the AGMs & vote the directors off the board then they must be going along with what the board's doing. Ultimately the board & management are doing what the shareholders want, even if they only want it by default as it were.

      2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

        Re: External advisors

        Scrap for parts - what parts? The only true asset they have left are the shares in Alibaba.

        Okay, Wikipedia could buy the search engine (instead of building their own), but that's it.

  12. jake Silver badge

    I think it should be five cents. </lucy>

    (With deep apologies to the memory of Charles Shultz.)

  13. chivo243 Silver badge

    Our Highest Bid

    $4 wow... maybe we can hoodwink some unsuspecting Starbucks customer to trade their super latte espresso cappuccino mocha for it? The barferage could be our parting gift for Marissa...

    1. John H Woods Silver badge

      Re: Our Highest Bid

      upvote for "BARFERAGE"

  14. Fihart

    more management twaddle

    "The Board is thoroughly committed to exploring strategic alternatives while simultaneously supporting management and the employees in their implementation of Yahoo's strategic plan. We believe that pursuing these complementary paths is in the best interests of our shareholders and will maximize value." ®

    To see why this abuse of language is actually encouraged at places like Harvard Business School cast your mind back to James Murdoch hauled in front of MPs -- he managed to say almost nothing while sounding as if he was actually saying stuff.

    1. KeithR

      Re: more management twaddle

      "cast your mind back to James Murdoch hauled in front of MPs -- he managed to say almost nothing while sounding as if he was actually saying stuff."

      But that's how you talk to MPs. In their own language.

  15. x 7

    this piece from late 2014 is illuminating

    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/21/magazine/what-happened-when-marissa-mayer-tried-to-be-steve-jobs.html

    Ms Mayer would appear to be rather clueless if true

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Interesting! Debacle! Ye gods..when I got to the bit about Bobbie and his nickel I nearly drowned this puir wee iPad in nasally ejected tea as I laughed so hard at her blatant trolling of her minions.

      Seriously, why is she still in charge of anything? (apart from the usual management mystique disease)

      1. Franco Silver badge
        IT Angle

        I can see why they hired her, she came from Google who are Yahoo's idols these days, and she is a woman so Yahoo look visionary for hiring her. Why she's still in charge, I can only assume because no one else wants the job.

        2 articles in a row about Yahoo with no photo of her must be a record though.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The cash register goes BING!

    It's a perfectly over-priced purchase for the Redmond Redundancy Reaper which fits nicely with their Dollars Down the Drain and Mothball Mobile First strategies.

    The downside will be the associated purple prose from Sad! Nads!

  17. Will 28

    Sell the email routing

    There is one thing of value that yahoo have, and unfortunately for me, I'm one of those affected. There was a time when the internet was coming in, and I was about 16, when it seemed a good idea to grab a yahoo email address. That account is now the username to so many services that it would be a major ball ache to try to untangle myself from it. I've got my own domain now, but I think I'd probably be ok to pay a small subscription amount to route email to that, rather than change everything to directly hit it (where it's even possible to change it).

    I don't think I'm the only one affected, so there's money to be made there...

    1. paulf Silver badge
      Pirate

      Re: Sell the email routing

      I'd propose you lose a weekend and set about untangling yourself from the Yahoo monstrosity.

      I was in the same position for the same reason (I came over to Y! from Rocketmail - remember them? and used the Y! email just for website logins rather than personal emails) but about 2-3 years ago I realised I was staking a rather big bet on Yahoo!'s continued existence and set about moving each login to individual addresses on my own domain.

      Yes it was a major ballache and yes it took ages (and yes I had much better things to do) but Y!'s future is somewhat uncertain and it's easier to do a few logins at a time and check they work now than have to do the whole lot with a summary 28 days notice that Y! mail will be closing.

      Y! Mail STILL cannot get the Reply-to option to work correctly - I doubt they would cover themselves in glory if they tried to do anything as complicated as what you're after.

  18. Andy Non
    FAIL

    What exactly are they selling?

    They used to be one of the biggest names on the Internet in the 80's/90's but what are they selling nowadays? As far as I can see they are just a second rate search provider and purveyor of poor quality webmail/email. Yahoo used to be ubiquitous for setting up anonymous webmail/pop3 email accounts but their insistence on users providing a valid mobile phone number to set up accounts and their slow/bloated webmail interface has driven away many people. Also, just because I send someone an email doesn't mean I want to set up a social network and share personal information with that person! I used to have several Yahoo email addresses for different forums or uses, but now I have none. Apparently Yahoo also had some online publications that El Reg pointed out the other day that are closing; but hardly anyone knew they existed. Is that it? Does Yahoo offer anything else? If so it must be poorly marketed because I don't know what it is.

    1. DToma

      Re: What exactly are they selling?

      Yahoo sells ad space. They may still offer ad-free email for a fee, otherwise the main customers are the advertisers. Those who use the regular Yahoo email, Yahoo search, and/or Yahoo Groups are Users not Customers.

  19. Sir Barry

    Turnaround

    I'm surprised Ms Mayer hasn't considered a new rebrand.

    The slanted ! wasn't far enough, add another ! and ditch the purple for something edgy like red and black, extend the name to Yahoogle!!

    You're welcome, that will be £150,000

  20. anthonyhegedus Silver badge

    No idea what yahoo is for. I think it's a site with news on it that you can google for stuff from. A bit like Bing.

    1. KeithR

      "No idea what yahoo is for."

      For hijacking my browsers on occasion, in my experience...

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My bid

    One six inch fresh turd

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: My bid

      I believe the shareholders already see Yahoo in those terms. If you could up your bid (perhaps two sticks, or decorate the singleton with some bum gravy after a night on the sauce, they might see some upsaide?

  22. Ali Um Bongo
    Headmaster

    !Worth It

    Do you see what I did there?!

    You've all got the wrong end of the stick.

    Yahoo! has achieved the ultimate in Web2-Unicornosity in that no-one [not even the people who run the company] have any idea whatsoever what it's supposed to be for.

    That alone must make it worth absolutely billions.

  23. No! The red button Igor ...

    I bid ...

    ... a can of cherry coke and a half eaten fun-size mars bar.

  24. cheshS80
    Joke

    $4 and Two packets of chips

    I thought I might buy it and asset strip out all the good bits .... Oh wait ..........!!

  25. Mycho Silver badge

    Marmite.

    Not some comment about the company's appeal, that's my bid. Three jars, and I'll throw in a loaf of bread.

  26. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

    Now I'm strongly reminded of the bidding in the auction for Le Chifre's 'art collection' in the 1967 version of Casino Royale, but YouTube let me down, so no soup link for you!

  27. LordLestat

    Anyone wonders now what will happen to the Mozilla deal? Too bad Mozilla had no better option after Google got them the boot, looks like they are facing some more problems now beside of user loss thanks to cloning Chrome as much as possible ;)

    Anyway, not crying for Yahoo. Another greedy comp which was ordering more than they have been able to consume. Good riddance!

  28. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "We'll open the bidding with three dollars and a packet of chips"

    Don't be silly. Have you seen what they charge for three penn'orth of chips these days?

  29. Mr Dogshit

    Yeah but

    She's quite easy on the eye, you have to admit it.

    1. x 7

      Re: Yeah but

      "She's quite easy on the eye, you have to admit it."

      if you buy the company, does she come as part of the deal?

  30. Chika

    I'll bid 30p. That's all the loose change I've got.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps .....

    but they all have to relocate to Runcorn (might get a job creation grant, should cover the costs of the two pints, anyway)

  32. Paratrooping Parrot
    Paris Hilton

    Feeling worried

    I think I better start downloading my emails. I feel a tad worried. I have been using the same email since 2005.

  33. Tank boy
    Unhappy

    That's just great

    Now I have to fiddle with all of my wife's ties to her Yahoo! account, of which there are a lot. I've been telling her for years to ditch Yahoo!, but what do I know? I'm going to sound the alert now, so my wife will get around to changing her crap before the whole thing goes under. Wish me luck.

  34. theprisoner

    Sweet revenge

    I created a nice and informative website back in the good old days (around 1998) when Yahoo was the main source for anyone searching. They refused to list it. They never said why not, and yet loads of sites with no content other than links to other sites were listed. After several attempts I gave up and soon it didn't matter thanks to Google and others.

    Glad to see them go.

    And the non-threaded Yahoo Groups are awful as well.

  35. FatGerman

    Photos

    Don't Yahoo! own Flickr? I'd be sad to see that go, it's a trillion times better than the hipster-oriented Instagram. And no way on earth am I going to hang around in the cesspit that is tumblr. But even Flickr has gone a bit moribund since Mayer took over at Yahoo!

    1. Daniel B.

      Re: Photos

      Flickr itself was the "hipster" thing back in the day. Yahoo even killed their own photo thing to promote the damn thing.

  36. rtb61

    The big question of course in the bidding process, does it or does it not, come with the M&M. Seriously if the only thing the M&M really manages to do is collect a sales commission on selling Yahoo after woeful turn at the helm, this after a public easing out the door demotion at Google, well, weren't the Yahoo board stupid to hire it.

  37. eldakka Silver badge
    Coat

    New reg unit

    Instead of using $ for share prices, maybe a new reg unit, the Yahoo.

    1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

      Re: New reg unit

      Don't be silly. Even a penny stock would convert to something like five billion Yahoo (YH)

  38. BongoJoe
    Facepalm

    Fifty quid

    Only so that then I can find my wife's photos that have gone missing on Flikr that she's been trying to unearth for ages.

    icon because she still can't get to grips with the concept of back-ups even after this.

  39. Flat Phillip

    Yahoo should buy Yahoo

    After all, it's where all the other failed Internet properties go to die.

  40. tiggity Silver badge

    just file

    By the time they have paid the exorbitant fees of Goldman Sachs, J.P. Morgan and PJT Partners, may as well just file for bankruptcy.

  41. TheDillinquent

    Yahoo!

    Is that still a thing?

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