back to article Drunk? Need a slash? Avoid walls in Hackney

London's Hackney council is targeting male revellers' time-honoured practice of necking a skinful, and then relieving themselves against walls, with a hydrophobic coating designed to send steaming streams straight back to the piss-taker. According to the BBC, the authority spends £100k a year cleaning up after al fresco …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Lots of public loos like that. The metal ones can be particularly splashy.

    1. Danny 14 Silver badge

      just pee at an angle then. Not really hard even when drunk.

  2. tiggity Silver badge

    Or

    Maybe provide, free, actually open in the evening public toilets - the vast majority of al freso micturators are not doing it for fun.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Or

      Indeed! In the centre of Bristol they put out urinals that look like giant yellow traffic cones at the weekend. Much more sensible than trying to punish those of us who keep the night time economy booming!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Or

        they put out urinals that look like giant yellow traffic cones at the weekend

        To the sober these look like normal traffic cones. And to road workers on Monday morning, they are just like standard traffic cones, but reeking of stale piss.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: To the sober these look like normal traffic cones

          That's some good acid! I can stand inside one of those "normal" traffic cones!

    2. Stretch

      Re: Or

      Sure, but did you miss the ideological tory slash and burn on council services? Maybe they can have them sponsored by some drinks company.

      1. dajames Silver badge

        Re: Or

        Sure, but did you miss the ideological tory slash and burn on council services?

        Surely "slash and burn" is what you get with an electrified wall?

  3. emmanuel goldstein

    The Result:

    Literally pissed-up hipsters.

  4. moiety

    What's to stop people leaning on the wall and directing the stream at an angle? You wouldn't normally lean because the wall might be covered in urine; but that's not a problem here. A drunken slash would be a more comfortable experience if you knew which walls were coated.

    I've seen that coating before...pretty impressive. Wonder how hardwearing it is.

    1. Message From A Self-Destructing Turnip

      Hardwearing? Good for a year in outdoor applications according to the FAQ on the manufacturers website, might rub off on your hands too, you decide.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. moiety

        @Message From A Self-Destructing Turnip - thanks. I was a bit involved at the time, so didn't look at the source as hard as I should have. I find the training video quite interesting.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hwozHdrxgI

        ..it all looks a bit toxic. And I'm not sure if they're selling xylene or the spraygun.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xylene

    2. John Tserkezis

      "Wonder how hardwearing it is."

      We had seen this at an electronics trade show about last year. One of the vendors was flogging it off for protecting electronics.

      They were quite clear to say there was no "home application kit", though it appears they were holding it for themselves.

      They did say the the resulting coating was quite thin and would rub off with time. I know the FAQ claims a year, but like any claim, they only apply to best case conditions. If you were to apply this to a phone, it wouldn't last very long, though the innards would (because you're not touching them. Taking the phones apart and insulating the connectors is another matter however.

    3. Steven Roper

      Exactly. Angle of incidence = angle of reflection. I've known that since I was a kid, to the point where I always piss into a urinal at an angle to ensure no splashbacks. I do the same if I have to use a wall, so this stuff won't bother me.

      One of the joys of being male is that the world is your urinal!

      1. casinowilhelm

        By "the world" you often are really talking about "someone's front door/personal property". The entitlement of some people who think it's OK to just piss anywhere is astonishing.

  5. Afernie

    Hmmm.

    "The authority spends £100k a year cleaning up after al fresco urinators, and has decided to spunk £1,000 treating walls at "two popular drinking locations in Shoreditch and Dalston"."

    Why do I get the feeling that if this becomes the approach taken, the cost of treating the walls (and maintaining the treatment) will somehow manage to exceed £100K? Also I predict many pissers will be canny and/or just sober enough to piss at an angle to the wall, probably after a first unwelcome experience with the new coating. Then the piss is still on the pavement to be cleaned up at taxpayers expense, doubling the cost.

    1. Stuart Elliott

      Re: Hmmm.

      but.. but.. the company selling the product said they wouldn't, so it won't...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hmmm.

      > "Then the piss is still on the pavement to be cleaned up at taxpayers expense..."

      So coat the pavement. The piss will levitate and seek it's own level. With luck the pub will be lower than anything else...

      1. Jediben

        Re: Hmmm.

        All well and good for piss, but what about rainfall? Some unlucky bugger will receive ALL the piss diluted by ALL the skytears, every single time it rains!

    3. Charles Manning

      re: piss at an angle

      That's going to make for a new game of piss billiards. Sounds like fun. Even more lads will start pissing.

      The law of unintended consequences strikes again!

      1. PNGuinn
        Facepalm

        Re: re: piss at an angle

        How will this affect the ancient skill of chasing spiders? will good burgers (sic) of 'Ackney provide sufficient subsidised training courses? Will the RSPCA object? Will they provide suitably sized inspectors in lieu?

        Enquiring etc...

  6. Unep Eurobats
    Windows

    "Smile, you're on slashcam"

    If you're drunk and/or desperate enough to use the wall you won't have any qualms about simply using the gutter instead.

    Surely a case for strategically positioned CCTV? After all, trousers can be washed, but YouTube is forever.

  7. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge

    Or, on the other hand, we could actually solve the problem

    The basic problem is that when exiting a club into the cool night air after an evening's drinking, the average person feels a great need to get rid of recycled beer. Thanks to councils closing down public toilets, there are simply no convenient facilities available.

    Temporary urinals, even automatic ones which rise up out of the street in the evening, and drop down again in the morning, would seem to provide a much better solution. You could even go as far as re-engineering the walls of alleys into actual urinals, complete with some sort of cleaning system, to give clubbers somewhere to relieve themselves.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Or, on the other hand, we could actually solve the problem

      Or you could just piss in the club toilets before leaving.

      1. JohnMurray

        Re: Or, on the other hand, we could actually solve the problem

        In my experience, the male toilets are full of females urinating. Those with no female presence tend to have a smell that requires a strong stomach to tolerate. After 6 pints strong stomachs are not much in evidence. Instead of pissing down a wall, just pee on the ground.

        1. Jan 0

          Re: Or, on the other hand, we could actually solve the problem

          > Instead of pissing down a wall, just pee on the ground.

          Better still, just look along the road for one of those convenient DRAINS!

      2. MT Field

        Re: Or, on the other hand, we could actually solve the problem

        Yeh, and then again three minutes later. Duh.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Or, on the other hand, we could actually solve the problem

      Just Google for Westoe Netty Cheap, simple and handy. And yes, I'm old enough to have stopped off there many times on the way home from the pub and don't recall ever seeing any of the so-called "behaviour" that caused the council to close it or ever met a Wham singer there.

    3. graeme leggett

      Re: Or, on the other hand, we could actually solve the problem

      That sounds like an argument that because the clubs and pubs are unable to maintain sufficient "capacity" for their clientele, the public sector should pick up the tab.

      That way lies Socialism! Probably. Possibly. Who knows.

  8. Caff

    Rain

    Wonder what will happen when during a rain storm passers by get randomly drenched by wind driven rain bouncing off the walls?

  9. dervheid

    Sod walls

    Get it on my car paintwork. Glass too, if wipers don't erode it.

    1. Whiskers

      Re: Sod walls

      It apparently works on gloves and boots, so presumably also on socks and trousers. In fact waterproofing clothes could be the main use of this stuff, if it has any real durability.

    2. Havin_it
      Joke

      Re: Sod walls

      Who's pissing all over your car?

      1. Message From A Self-Destructing Turnip

        Re: Sod walls

        It dries to a translucent white colour.

        http://www.spillcontainment.com/everdryfaqs#36

      2. HarshKarma
        Joke

        Re: Sod walls

        >>Who's pissing all over your car?

        God

    3. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. John Tserkezis

        Re: Sod walls

        "Works better than wipers..."

        Only if you're moving at a reasonable rate for the wind to blow off the beads. I've done it as an interim for a busted wiper motor. But you need to be brave to go fast enough before it starts working well.

        A case of how long you can keep your balls in your throat.

        It's better than virgin windshield, but not better than wipers.

        1. llodge

          Re: Sod walls

          Rain-X

          I find it works well when freshly applied once you get past about about 25mph. At motorway speeds it works very well.

          The older the coating the less well it works. I find on windscreens you can get around 2-3 months between applications on side and rear windows 6 months between coatings.

          A very useful side effect is it repels seagull crap as well! :-)

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Sod walls

        > It's called Rain-X. Works better than wipers...

        And pretty good when used on motorbike helmet visors. Although it does sometimes require you lift your head up into the airflow if your fairing is particularly good..

        Only downside is that it wipes off quite easily so you need to re-apply every few days or so.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Missing the point

    I really want to get on a train, underground and bus to Hackney and try it. It looks amazing! (will pack spare pair of trousers)

    1. Dadmin
      Pint

      Re: Missing the point

      You only need one pair of trousers, if you coat them with this hydrophobic paint system! Imagine dozens of pub crawl attendees, ladies too, standing in the nearby alley, pissing all over each others pants, the wall, parked cars, dumpsters, the cat, trash cans, sleeping homeless guy, another cat, etc.

      Also, how much for a pair of those and a ticket to good old London town?

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Lobrau

        Re: Missing the point

        Any physicists care to explain what would happen if a wall coated with the repellent splashed urine onto similarly coated trousers?

        Any non-physicists care to speculate as to the boundless energy that could be harnessed by the same?

      3. Danny 14 Silver badge

        Re: Missing the point

        @Dadmin sounds like Glasgow on a sunday morning.

      4. Martin Budden

        Re: Missing the point

        Missing the paint

        FTFY

    2. Loud Speaker

      Re: Missing the point

      After a swift pint (or two) near Hackney Central last night, I had a look for this "feature" and I can assure you that 99.723% of Hackney is NOT equipped with this substance. I was able to piss in loads of places with no problem whatever.

      I admit to deliberately avoiding Hoxton. That is quite normal for me.

  11. Known Hero

    Went partying up in London, My sister friends were amazed I decided to hold it in, rather than urinate on another persons abode, until we had walked back to the apartment.

    A certain amount of restraint is needed, none is given by very many.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Hold It In?

      You're obviously not drinking enough beer.

      1. Known Hero
        Pint

        Re: Hold It In?

        Heheh,

        Cant really argue against that ;)

        1. Jediben

          Re: Hold It In?

          Missed your chance to impress your sister's mates with yer spam javelin too.

  12. chivo243 Silver badge

    Really, Slash?

    Non-Brit here... That's slang for urinating? I bet people really take the piss out of Slash from GnR, can't wait to tell the biggest GnR fan I know. hehehehehe

    1. Eponymous Cowherd

      Re: Really, Slash?

      Oh, that's nothing.

      Here "trump" is slang for a noisy fart.

      1. chivo243 Silver badge

        Re: Really, Slash?

        The only difference there is he's a rich noisy fart... Am I getting too political? Or too musical?

      2. John Bailey

        Re: Really, Slash?

        "Here "trump" is slang for a noisy fart."

        Over there too it seems.

      3. Stuart Castle

        Re: Really, Slash?

        re : Here "trump" is slang for a noisy fart.

        Actually, that's quite a fitting description for him. Also, it's presumably the reason you don't see his perfume in the shops (http://www.trump.com/merchandise/trump-fragrance/) much..

    2. Toltec

      Re: Really, Slash?

      Yes, really, however we use so many words with multiple meanings that context is all so I cannot say the guitarist's name ever occurred to me as funny.

      Taking the piss out of him is a perversion of a quite different sort...

      Or then again maybe not.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Re: Really, Slash?

      Is that the same Slash that is usually seen sucking on a fag?

      1. Mark 65 Silver badge

        Re: Really, Slash?

        Is that the same Slash that is usually seen sucking on a fag?

        That's slander, and was never proven.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Fun and Games

    And wee pong has just been invented!

  14. Gordon Stewart
    Holmes

    What's to clean?

    > the authority spends £100k a year cleaning up after al fresco urinators

    Eh? It's not graffiti, it's just a bit of piss - It gets cleaned for free next time it rains!

    1. LucreLout Silver badge

      Re: What's to clean?

      @Gordon Stewart

      "the authority spends £100k a year cleaning up after al fresco urinators"

      Eh? It's not graffiti, it's just a bit of piss - It gets cleaned for free next time it rains!

      It does, but that £100k is probably not paying for cleaning. What you'll have is a help line to register complaints, manned by someone earning £40k, they'll need a manager, so thats another £40k, and the reaming £20k is probably their cost centres share of the diversity co-ordination team.

      1. Toltec
        Joke

        Re: What's to clean?

        "the reaming £20k"

        Hang on, splash back is one thing, but isn't that taking payback a little too far?

      2. JohnMurray

        Re: What's to clean?

        Actually, the help line will be in Malasia. Probably one already handling talktalk cuntstomer shitvices.

      3. Lamont Cranston

        Re: What's to clean?

        £40k to man a phone line? You've never worked in the public sector, then?

    2. Loud Speaker

      Re: What's to clean?

      Its Hackney - someone's uncle needed a juicy contract.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    People will just start urinating on the floor instead of the walls.

    About as useless as a Shoreditch IoT startup.

  16. captain veg

    Hackney Carriage

    Isn't it legal to urinate on the offside rear wheel of a Hackney carriage? Presumably there are a few of them in Hackney.

    -A.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hackney Carriage

      Only for the driver.

      1. Jediben
        Joke

        Re: Hackney Carriage

        I have never seen that happen - must be quite a bit of pressure and angulation required to get the stream up and over your head to reach the back of the cab, out the window and onto the tyre. Making sure you keep the vehicle in motion at the same time must be a bitch too!

  17. Neil 44

    How long will it last? How much will they save

    "2- How long will Ultra-Ever Dry coating last ?The SE 7.6.110 formula’s longevity in use is susceptible to environmental conditions (UV / abrasion). This coating will generally last 2-8 months in direct sunlight and outdoor conditions before recoating of the top coat would be required. When used in indoor or covered applications outdoors, the SE 7.6.110 coating should last for a year or more. Other formulas are being added to our product line that can provide years of useful life before any recoat is needed."

    (from http://ultraeverdry-tap.co.uk/faq.html)

    1. PNGuinn
      Coat

      Re: How long will it last? How much will they save

      Since this is Hackney and most of 'em will probably be p***ing red hot rivets....

      Thanks, it's the nice clean dry one at the end.

  18. Aqua Marina
    Pint

    £1000?

    Surely it would be more cost effective to simply paint the walls with a bit of Ronseal (does exactly what it says on the tin). Once the walls are no longer porus, kinetic energy will ensure that the first time you pee perpendicularly against a wall, it will bounce straight back at you. About £10 per litre and lasts for years.

    1. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
      Childcatcher

      Re: £1000?

      I'm a bit surprised no-one has suggested an electric cattle fence. Having witnessed the results of an ill-aimed stream, I doubt there is enough alcohol to induce someone to try it twice.

      1. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: £1000?

        I'm a bit surprised no-one has suggested an electric cattle fence.

        For some odd reason I find that idea shocking...

      2. Martin Summers Silver badge

        Re: £1000?

        "I'm a bit surprised no-one has suggested an electric cattle fence."

        Ouch, I'm reminded of the time halfway up a hill in a roadside lay-by in Wales in pitch dark where I was taking a leak. I thought the sheep watching me was bad enough until my stream hit the fence I hadn't realised was electric. Not an experience I want to repeat.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Gimp

        Re: £1000?

        I'm sure there's a niche market willing to pee on electrified fences more than once (see icon).

        Mmm... hurts so good...

  19. Nixinkome

    I'm not surprised to read about this in .... Bootnotes.

    The San Francisco/Hamburg experiments of the late Summer seem to have worked.

  20. Leeroy Bronze badge

    Piss off

    Spend it on half decent public toilets that are open 24 / 7 you plonkers !

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Piss off

      "Spend it on half decent public toilets that are open 24 / 7 you plonkers !"

      Most of Hackney's public toilets were sold off as lock up shops and trendy resturants

      http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/gallery/2014/oct/09/at-your-convenience-converted-public-toilets-in-pictures

      http://dalstonist.co.uk/a-public-toilet-in-clapton-is-being-turned-into-a-cafe/

  21. Loud Speaker

    They sold off the public toilets to raise the £100k

    1. foxbatgb

      > They sold off the public toilets to raise the £100k

      Nope, they sold off everything to pay for this little list of gems:

      http://www.hackney.gov.uk/Assets/Documents/Senior-officer-salaries.pdf

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Piss on the town hall walls instead.

    Or perhaps the Mayors car. They'll get the message eventually and stop selling any remaining public toilets.

  23. thomas k

    non-skid shoes?

    Would a coating of this on ordinary shoe soles make them anti-skid? That would be very useful, as it's easy to find a pair of shoes you like (and could then treat) vs. finding a pair of non-skids you like, many of which come with steel toes which you may not need.

    1. Captain DaFt

      Re: non-skid shoes?

      "Would a coating of this on ordinary shoe soles make them anti-skid?"

      More like the opposite effect. If the pavement's wet, the treated soles would be repelled and... Hey! New sport, rainy day downhill skiing!

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: non-skid shoes?

        "Hey! New sport, rainy day downhill skiing!"

        Excellent!

        My first though on reading Thomas K's comment was ice skating on wet roads.

        I have no idea if Hackney has hills so didn't think of skiing.

      2. thomas k

        Re: non-skid shoes?

        Thanks, didn't think of it from that angle.

  24. MD Rackham

    Rustoleum sells this stuff in DIY stores over here in the states. It works as advertised, but does have a milky, translucent appearance. And you can rub it off fairly easily.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      If I didn't know any better I would say the "rub it off" and "milky translucent" are the wrong way round.

  25. David Roberts Silver badge
    Coat

    Solvents?

    No mention of how it handles non water based liquids e.g. paint thinners.

    If it will take auto touch up paint then all you need is a spray can of "can spray" and you can paint a quick target and go for it.

    Which then opens the door to innovation. Banksy could paint a mural of a urinal thus proving beyond doubt that modern art is a genuine piss take.

  26. Jan 0
    Boffin

    For the easily offended: How about 'modesty screens' on three sides of street drains?

    Pissing on walls seems relatively innocent.

    What pisses me off is the people I see pissing on other people's doors and doorsteps. That must be wonderful when they step out first thing in the morning, If I had that problem, I'd want to fit a net of high voltage (current limited) wires about half way between prick and ground level and laugh at the screams.

  27. LaeMing Silver badge
    Devil

    I still think,

    farm-style electric fence voltage on metal plates would work better (and be far more fun to watch too!)

  28. Ed_UK

    Perpetual Motion?

    This product was describe on the BBC site as something which would reflect the stream back onto the perp's feet. BUT - what if the perp is wearing those treated boots? It would bounce back onto the wall, creating an oscillation. Where do I collect my Nobel Prize?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Perpetual Motion?

      You'll need to data for your theory.

      Who are you going to pay to pee on their own shoes?

  29. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    its a bit of a mystery to me why we need walls in these circumstances

  30. Flatpackhamster

    £100k?

    Hackney raises £1.2 BILLION from local taxes. And it gets a mahoosive government grant.

    And this is going to save £100k?

    It'd be far quicker to fire Hackney's appallingly overpaid chief executive. That would save £150k AND the associated pension costs.

  31. This post has been deleted by its author

  32. Dr Fidget

    Does it also work on dog pee?

  33. photobod

    This is Hackney Council...

    The one thing they've always been good at is taking the piss.

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