back to article So why exactly are IT investors so utterly clueless?

Are you thick or what? No, really, how else can you explain why you invest vast sums of money on daft schemes that nobody wants? Long-time readers of this column may remember my little Tech City adventure a while back, in which I managed 2,000 sq ft of chic hipster office floorspace in the heart of London’s so-called "silicon …

  1. Lodgie

    Well written, incisive and funny. Good old fashioned greed, an inability to admit that you don't know what the fuck it's all about and general ignorance - a holy partnership just made for grifting. Any snake oil Sir?

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      If Mr Dabbs is in need of catharsis, he could do worse than to watch Mike Judge's Silicon Valley:

      http://www.hooli.xyz/#inspiration

      1. g e

        The modern answer to the Clag-Gone!

        http://images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/1750868_700b.jpg

    2. boltar Silver badge

      I don't have a problem parting idiots from their money. It means the money can end up with someone who can do something more useful with it. The national lottery is a fine example of this and there's a reason its called the Idiot Tax.

      1. Cloud, what..... Sorry... Um... - you just made that up.

        I think it was Clarkson who labeled it the stupidity tax...

  2. Ironclad
    Coffee/keyboard

    Made my morning.

    Superb, coffee everywhere.

    P.S. I can't find the app on Google Play.

    1. Martin Summers Silver badge

      Re: Made my morning.

      No you won't, It's on Google Scat Play.

    2. Tim99 Silver badge
      Gimp

      Re: Made my morning.

      To raise that level of investment it needs to be the "Apple" App Store...

  3. auburnman

    I could be wrong, but don't investors get tax deductions on other assets if their investments go the way of the dodo? If it's effectively free money that's probably why they can gamble like idiots with carefree abandon.

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      That may be the case, but if I lost a million bucks, I think that the fact that the loss would be tax deductible would be more like a kleenex on a 3rd-degree burn rather than the feel of "free money".

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        if I lost a million bucks, I think that the fact that the loss would be tax deductible would be more like a kleenex on a 3rd-degree burn

        Yeah, but you're imagining it's your money. Private equity and seed capital investors are generally playing with other people's money. Often people who don't know what's happening with their money, because they've taken financial advice, and invested part of their pension funds into something called, for example, the "Ledswinger Perpetual High Growth UK Technology Investment Fund 2 LLP". Sounds sensible and innocuous, n'est pas?

        And because tracker investment funds can be listed (hahahaahahaa! FFS why?) you even have situations where regular Joe's have their money invested in fractally nested investment funds, and were you ever to get far enough down amongst the cockroaches and poo, there you would find the investment vehicles like LPHGUKTIF2, and below that its investments in toilet seat raising apps and other IoT and smartphone idiocy.

        All the dumb investor knows or sees is the aggregate value of all the investments of the Fund, less Ledswinger Prudent Financial Corporation's extortionate "management" fees. In turn, all LPFC actually does, is farm out big parcels of cash to other investment funds, where the cash buys a "limited partner" share. The people running these funds are the "general partners", and they usually get preferential treatment when things go sour, they have near absolute say in the management of the invested cash, and they also screw a generous "management" fee. They'll have big fat financial sector bonuses for doing jack shit, and the contract will disproportionately share any upside that might occur to their benefit.

        So, there's winners here: Anybody screwing a management fee for putting retail investor money at risk will be pulling down a package of at least £500k after tax each year, and usually a lot more. Other winners include the bearded hipster twats (BHT) who get to burn through one or two rounds of financing, paying themselves a six figure salary, before walking away from the smoking wreck. Minor winners include institutional investors like LPHGUKTIF2, because our fee structure will make us money regardless of whether our investors do.

        And then there's losers: Retail investors, who as noted above probably have no idea why LPHGUKTIF2 has actually lost them money, and then charged them for the privilege.

        Welcome to the world of fund investing.

        Post script: I'm beginning to worry that I should be registered with the Financial Conduct Authority to offer this sort of useful and accurate financial advisory. Better add the universal caveat emptor: "Remember, the value of retail investments can go down, or down a lot, it's only the big boys that get the gains."

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Hee hee.

          ASSet management.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Hee hee.

            "ASSet management."

            Nice, +1

            Or Arsett Management if you're from the posh end of town :-)

        2. Fred Dibnah Silver badge

          @ Ledswinger

          "Remember, the value of retail investments can go down, or down a lot, it's only the big boys that get the gains."

          http://www.infideas.com/books/fred-schweds-where-are-the-customers-yachts/

          Great username BTW.

        3. Mark 85 Silver badge

          @Ledswinger -- Opportunity Knocks...

          Right here: and below that its investments in toilet seat raising apps and other IoT and smartphone idiocy.

          And IoT device to raise/lower the seat and a smartphone app. It can't possibly do any worse than an IoT lightbulb. The ladies of the house will embrace it as they know the seat will be down upon entering the Room of the Throne. The males... it will be raised.

          Start the LLP, man....

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: @Ledswinger -- Opportunity Knocks...

            The ladies of the house will embrace it as they know the seat will be down upon entering the Room of the Throne. The males... it will be raised.

            But blokes going to see a man about a dog with some haste will always find the seat in the wrong position. And if they're fiddling with tightish jeans and button flies* as well, then things could come to a head**

            I suppose a fitbit-type of affair might be able to detect the racing pulse and rising blood pressure of a Man On A Mission, and alert the toilet seat to lower at maximum speed, but like all IoT stuff, it's looking like a solution searching for a problem. But....tell you what, we both grow goatee beards, don trousers that are too short whilst forgetting our socks, you write an investment prospectus that talks of a $14bn market by 2020, I'll act the sullen, Asperger's afflicted, sociopathic, withdrawn technical genius in front of the investors, we drink coffee for nine months on six figure salaries, then we start all over again.

            * Which knob-head designers think button flies are a good idea? We invented the zip a hundred years ago, and some tossers keep putting buttons on trouser fronts. W*nkers.

            ** A turtle's head

            1. Fraggle850

              Re: @Ledswinger -- Opportunity Knocks...

              > button flies are a good idea?

              Well at least there's no risk of skin/fly interaction injuries. I rock both varieties and have no strong preference, although braces do make a lot of sense with button flies; you've to undo the waistband button to siphon the python.

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            2. This post has been deleted by its author

            3. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: @Ledswinger -- Opportunity Knocks...

              Hold on, you may think I'm taking the piss but I have a formal spec for a male urination app:

              IF ( user.is_outside() || toilet.is_already_disgusting() )

              user.urinate(standing_mode)

              ELSE

              user.urinate(sitting_mode)

              assert(urine_aerosol_visible(uv_blacklight_mode) = false)

              ENDIF

              Seriously guys, the seat lifts for cleaning purposes. It is quite clear, logically, that if you lift it you are happy to piss on the rim because if you could piss without splashing the rim you could piss without splashing the seat. If you doubt me, you can get a UV light from Amazon or Fleabay and check for yourself.

            4. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

              Re: @Ledswinger -- Opportunity Knocks...

              "Which knob-head designers think button flies are a good idea? We invented the zip a hundred years ago, and some tossers keep putting buttons on trouser fronts.

              Trousers with button flies are a very good idea for people who don't like wearing underpants. Getting your pubes caught in a zipper is, uh, kinda unpleasant. And with the mental images just riggered, I whish you a nice weekend.

              1. J.G.Harston Silver badge

                Re: @Ledswinger -- Opportunity Knocks...

                I've just had an epiphany! (Don't worry, I'll clean it up).

                I've always wondered how on earth people managed to get their dangly bits caught in trouser zippers, that post has explained it all. It's idiots who don't wear underpants.

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: @Ledswinger -- Opportunity Knocks...

                  It's idiots who don't wear underpants.

                  I agree, sounds bizarre. I suppose these people also don't use bog roll, as the carelessly trimmed fabric edges on the inside of a typical pair of jeans would go a good job scrubbing an unprotected nipsy. After a few days use those jeans might be a bit, well, musty, but I suppose the glamour of going commando has its own unique price.

                  You know how old pants get farted out? I presume that's the hydrogen sulphide reacting with some sweat to form sulphuric acid, but if you're depositing neat clag on the jeans, is that going to rot them through in no time? Have you seen the price of a pair of Levis?

                  Post script: Don't read this post whilst eating your dinner.

                2. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: @Ledswinger -- Opportunity Knocks...

                  I've just had an epiphany!

                  Speaking of which, the one Kickstarter project I put money into (Adapteva's Parallella board, with embedded Epiphany* chip) did actually deliver on everything except the cables to link the boards in my cluster together.

                  So far, so ho hum. More interesting, I thought, was how the CEO of that company later said that he wouldn't go with Kickstarter again, even though it seemed like it was a success. He also had a follow-up here

                  * see what I did there?

    2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Sort of – losses in one investment can be offset against profits elsewhere but you generally don't want all your investments to flop (unless you're Goldman Sachs selling mortgage-backed securities…).

      The tax-advantages are important only as part of the bigger picture: borrow someone else's money (obviously, you don't want to carry the risk yourself) at the current artificially low interest rates (cheap credit is being paid for by screwing savers) and invest it instead of your own money. Any profits can be funnelled out via the most tax effective means. Publicly listed companies are currently doing this: borrowing money to buy their own shares instead of paying dividends Private equity has a few more tricks up its sleeve such as preferred stock which virtually eliminates risk for the privileged few. Inflating the value of RsWyp is important in sucking in other people's money to allow the scheme to run to fruition. Here again those artificially low interest rates play their part as suckers looking at returns of 0.5% (at best) on safe assets are attracted by RsWyp's potential due to its phenomenal growth. And their goes your pension…

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Slow down, I'm taking notes...

  4. David 132 Silver badge

    Well that's it for Kickstarter and Crowdcube...

    ...I think your app just rectum completely.

  5. chivo243 Silver badge

    One every minute!

    "sell it off to an even stupider investor for even more money"

    The great "VaporWare" hot potato. It's great to have when it hot, but nobody wants to hold it too long or get stuck with it when it's cold.

  6. Warm Braw Silver badge

    "The publicity it craves"

    Indeed, because clearly, when you've finished with RsWyp, you're going to have to wash your hands..

    1. Known Hero

      Re: "The publicity it craves"

      Going to need a third App as well,Cant have all that washing finesse go down the drain, if they dont know how to dry their hands !!!

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: "The publicity it craves"

        "they dont know how to dry their hands"

        Don't use the towel!!! It'll have more bacteria on it than your hands had before you washed them.

  7. David 132 Silver badge
    Coat

    Suggested alternate name

    in the vein of such crimes against the rules of English punctuation as Microsoft's "Connect();" conference, may I suggest you rename your app...

    "Rs:Wyp"

    And when asked, you can say "well, the colon is central to the app"

    1. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

      Re: Suggested alternate name

      Excellent....you, sir, win the Internet

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    …while advising against poor-quality materials, such as … your line manager’s face.

    Brilliant!

    Thankfully, the people I work for and with are a decent lot, so the desire to do this to them has never crossed my mind, but I know others are not so fortunate and would jump at the chance of doing such an act.

  9. Christopher Reeve's Horse
    Coat

    Pushing the envelope?

    I like the (underhand?) reference to synthesizer filters with 'applying too much sustain'. Thankfully the use of Attack, Decay and Release were left unmentioned...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Pushing the envelope?

      Envelopes are another thing to avoid for wiping the backside, the glue makes it very unpleasant.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: Pushing the envelope?

        Envelopes are another thing to avoid for wiping the backside, the glue makes it very unpleasant

        Plus there is the ever present danger of painful paper cuts. On the other hand, if used, it's the perfect instrument for mailing things like depositions to lawyers.

  10. Dr_N Silver badge

    RsWyp, PoopCoin ...

    I see a pattern.

    My iPlopr pay app concept is still available....

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: RsWyp, PoopCoin ...

      I believe there's already a Ploppr app that tells you where to take a poop in the nearest backyard composting toilet.

      Dear God, I wish I heard that on April 1. 'Fraid not.

  11. Anonymous Custard Silver badge

    Cheap at twice the price

    What that, you say, you want to develop an app that launches apps for running apps? Sounds cool, take £1m!

    Why does this bring running Android apps under WIndows Mobile to mind? Other than the price tag would probably have been more than a mil...

    Oh and doesn't filing this Friday gem under the Jobs category seem slightly odd to anyone, rather than the normal home of bootnotes or suchlike?

  12. Joefish
    Coat

    R-Swype?

    Wasn't that a popular shoot-em-up from irem corp.?

    (That and Kung-Poo Master).

    1. David 132 Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: R-Swype?

      Wasn't that a popular shoot-em-up from irem corp.?

      No, you're thinking of Turdican (the first was OK but number two stank). Or possibly Ratchet & Clagnut.

      I didn't play either of them, but just went through the motions.

      ...Also, this whole topic is just, eww. I'm decamping to a more salubrious comment thread.

      1. AbelSoul
        Coat

        Re: R-Swype?

        Not to forget those other classic titles: Ztool, The Secrect of Manky Island, Genetic Faeces and Sonic the I-hope-your-next-shite's-a Hedgehog

  13. Dan 55 Silver badge

    Now Wash Your Hands App

    Top tips for washing your hands courtesy of the Now Wash Your Hands App:

    1. Do not touch a mobile phone screen, they've got more bacteria growing on them than a week-old petri dish.

    2... Fuck, that's £360,000 down the pan.

  14. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    Apparently...

    There is more harmful bacteria in your mouth than your bum... but I ain't kissing anyone's arse.

    1. hplasm Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Apparently...

      So where do they go in the journey from food to poo?

      We EAT them! Soylent Brown is GERMS!!

      Aieee, etc.

  15. Ken 16 Silver badge
    Coat

    Arse wipe phone cover?

    A flexible and absorbent phone cover* would be more welcome, in case of emergencies.

    *no charge, sir - take it and do with it as you will

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Arse wipe phone cover?

      Use with a selfie stick for the ultimate reach round experience.

      And upload a snapshot to the OBI* self-assessment website.

      *Readers of Viz will know who I mean.

  16. Peter Galbavy

    So, no one quite twigged the money laundering aspects yet?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      We're just not the sort of people that need to worry about that sort of thing.

      But I can write an app......

  17. Baudwalk

    "Let RsWyp take the stain!" ...

    ... there, fixed it for you.

  18. swampdog
    Happy

    RPI zero Kickstarter

    Damn it. I've been up all night & read this just before crashing out.

    Now I've got thoughts of shoving a raspberry pi zero up a chicken's arse so one can tell when it's cooked. I guess it'll need a temperature sensor and a wireless connection so it can send an email. I reckon it'll all fit nicely inside a heavy-duty condom.

    With the addition of two more IoT objects, (an oven with an actuated door and jack-in-the box spring) plus an old fashioned flip-top bin the whole project is complete. In fact, add a speaker to the pi. Once cooked..

    Dustbin lid opens. Pi sends email. Oven door opens. Pi commences to emit an audible scream. Oven launches chicken across the room into the bin. Lid closes. Pi changes to make eating sounds.

    I have all my best ideas when overtired.

  19. gribbler

    Proof of nationality

    "Back in his snowboarding magazine days, a freeriding Australian colleague claimed that he only had to utter the word “bottoms” to make an Englishman snigger. We suspect he may be onto something..."

    Just reading this made me chortle.

    1. Ralph B

      Re: Proof of nationality

      > Back in his snowboarding magazine days, a freeriding Australian colleague claimed that he only had to utter the word “bottoms” to make an Englishman snigger.

      Oh, "Australian" ... I read that as "Austrian" and thought I might know the reason for the sniggering.

  20. Alister Silver badge

    a freeriding Australian colleague claimed that he only had to utter the word “bottoms” to make an Englishman snigger. We suspect he may be onto something...

    Is this not, in fact, one of the main reasons why the Minions are such popular characters in Britain?

    "Bottom"...

    <snigger>

    "BANANAS!"

    1. GregC

      One of the most entertaining videos I've seen on Youtube recently is very simply a compilation of the "Bottom; <snigger>" gag in many different languages. It never seems to get old.

      Linky....

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lingerie...

    "oh I dunno, being surrounded by a dozen photographic studios specialising in lingerie model shots."

    A former colleague (who went on to be an ERP consultant, hence the IT angle) was interviewed by a well known maker of women's underwear. He reported that the offices were on a mezzanine overlooking the studios. The person who interviewed him told him that "everybody who works here has to be absolutely passionate about bras and knickers".

    He decided that this was a bit too creepy, made his excuses and left.

  22. gr00001000
    Happy

    S'Amu$e

    Amusing read. Whats happened in the 20-teens is the marketing industry has blown up and jumped on/attached itself to the IT industry. People are paid thousands and thousands to hype apps/advertise in the channel/run stands at infosec/Perform SEO for industry giants/viral marketing.

    Successes like Uber and AirBnB encourage it, but those are Californian digital disrupters. it doesn't seem very English to create such things. We are more liekly to succeed with purposeful Apps and leave the guff to California.

  23. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Better NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT Betas........ 4WMD2 Pays rather than Costs Billions

    Mega internet bucks are to be made if one realises IT Spaces are Alternate Virtual Reality Places which are not ruled and/or reined in by established elite status quo forces with compromised intellectually challenged sources.

    And indeed, fortunes are to be surprisingly easily made for maybe more than just a few, for many with practically everything to lose will quite gladly pay smartly, by simply deciding to not be bothered with sharing more than enough of the novel tricks of the new trading platform, which can virtually in an instant decimate that which may have been chosen as a target for wanton destruction.

    Plan and attempt to prevent, with any vain show of ill-conceived and readily perceived, aggressive intimidatory force, such as is a quite normal supernatural progression, and one is then to be classified as a cyber warmonger to be dealt with accordingly, and as befits all arrogant and ignorant renegade pariah types.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Better NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT Betas........ 4WMD2 Pays rather than Costs Billions

      You're slipping, I understand a good 50% of that.

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

        Re: Better NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT Betas........ 4WMD2 Pays rather than Costs Billions

        No, you're getting better at decoding it...

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Grot (for those old enough to remember - and for those who don't I have a great idea).

    People wanting to throw money at utter c**p was highlighted in "The Rise and Fall of Reginald Perrin" when he opened the shop called GROT, as quoted from the wiki article...

    "Reggie then opens a shop called Grot, where he sells useless products like square hoops, round dice and Tom's wine (made from sprouts, nettles and the like), hoping it will be an interesting failure. However, the products are snapped up as novelties, and Grot becomes a huge success."

    Although fictional, you could see what they were getting at, and how eager people are to buy rubbish - even back in the 1970's without techie kickstarter shenanigans. Admittedly at least you bought something from Grot, and had something (albeit tat) to show for your money.

    Hey! I have just thought of a great kickstarter project. iGrot - anybody interested?

    Note to self: I must remember to watch all the Reggie Perrin stuff again.

    1. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

      Re: Perrin

      "Note to self: I must remember to watch all the Reggie Perrin stuff again"

      The Beeb were re-running it a month or two back. I caught a few...kicking myself for not realising sooner. For some reason I found it a lot darker than I remembered it being.

      There was also a very good documentary about it recently, after David Nobbs' death.

      1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Perrin

        "I didnt get where I am today by investing my own money in iGrot"

        One line I'll always remember, along with the lickspittle characters who said "super" and "great" to anything CJ said

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Grot (for those old enough to remember - and for those who don't I have a great idea).

      While you're at it, go watch Mel Brooks' The Producers Similar concept and well worth the popcorn.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    err..

    Will RsWyp have Rsync integration? It would be convenient if after using the "docking station" a log file was copied to your iPood. The data dump would be stored within the EU, most likely in Germany.

    1. Doctor Evil

      Re: err..

      "The data dump would be stored within the EU, most likely in Germany."

      Not necessarily. It might be kept locally.

  26. Dan McIntyre

    Washing hands - classic. I work for an NHS trust. It's a professional environment and staffed by professional people doing professional jobs.

    And yet recently someone decided that what we really needed, what was absolutely essential training, was for us all to go into a little room one by one and be shown how to wash our hands.

    I kid you not. It has been added to our mandatory training, completion of which determines our annual increment. If we don't wash our hands correctly we don't get a pay rise.

    You couldn't make it up.

    1. The First Dave Silver badge

      @Dan

      You may be a pro, but study after study shows that your colleagues _don't_ wash their hands effectively.

      1. Richard Taylor 2 Silver badge

        Having spent rather too much time visiting someone in hospital over the las t few months I can concur - semi anecdotally, uncontrolled samples, male only. After the first couple of times, I began to count the number of staff (identified by ID cards) who came into the loos and then attempted to leave without washing their hands. Over

        3 months and about 60 logo trips, 1/3of staff tried to leave. I started challenging them (the sinks being conveniently close to the exit. There was an amazing mix of incredulity, denial, excuse and actually abuse. However they'd I'd all make a token approach to hand washing.

        I wrote the the head of the trus (yes Cumberland and Westmorland, Carlisle I am talking about you). No answer after 3 weeks. Wrote again last week, but sent it recorded delivery and ccd the Health Care Commision. Just waiting.....

    2. swampdog

      Washing hands?

      Do you happen to know if that (old) story about alcoholics nicking the handwash had any truth?

      In any case - its the punters who need a good slap. It's in front of them on entering a ward. Typically it's positioned so their face is right in it, to open the door, yet some people don't.

      I'd have a camera there and post them up on a large screen to embarrass them. You'd only have to do it a few times then all you'd need is the sign.

      1. phil dude
        Boffin

        Re: Washing hands?

        @swapdog "Do you happen to know if that (old) story about alcoholics nicking the handwash had any truth?"

        This is true, in that, it does happen, even before the invention of mouthwash made it "convenient".

        A visit to the Darwin centre in London (an Annex of the Natural History Museum) a few years back, the "Back stage tour" showed a large amount of the material not for show - e.g. A giant squid (!), a Coelacanth and some of Darwin's original materials he had taken on the Beagle.

        There were a number of specimens that were sent to the museum for safekeeping from Russia after the revolution in 1917. They were degrading because the Russian troops were starved of alcohol, and drinking the preservative (not all EtOH, some of it MetOH!, refilling with water...),

        There were some *very* mangy samples....!

        For some, the compulsion to drink, is truely overwhelming...

        P.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Wash, Rinse, Repeat

      We had the same thing in a classroom environment, Dan.

      A private healthcare company, all of us professionals located at company headquarters about a thousand miles from our closest hospital.

      Scheduled for 30 minutes, and the room was awfully quiet during the 25 minute question period.

      I tried to think of something to ask ,just out of pity for the poor sods teaching the class, but mainly I was wondering what we paid these three people and what they did all day.

      BTW: I think most of us found out we were doing it right.

    4. David Glasgow

      You see the problem is...

      .... that all the evidence is that many health workers forget to wash their hands when they should. Not a new problem, but something that has been harming patients for 50 plus years. (Difficult to take it further back because of course cross infection wasn't so widely understood.)

      Ironically, many years ago, I crushed some of my fingers when I was playing a very minor role in a hand washing research project. No connection between the two, just a coincidence. The nurse who dressed the wounds didn't wash her hands or use aseptic technique. She got very cross when I commented on this.

      The point is, this isn't just washing your hands before dinner, or after you've had a crap, it is washing after every physical contact with every patient, over again, all day long. And people don't do it.

    5. I am not spartacus

      Optional

      "I kid you not. It has been added to our mandatory training, completion of which determines our annual increment. If we don't wash our hands correctly we don't get a pay rise.

      "You couldn't make it up.

      Hmmm, before I even got to your post I did think that someone from the NHS or other healthcare organisation will be along with their tale of how realistic this is, how the current training is given badly, and how people (probably secretaries with little frontline medical involvement) are being sacked for either not going to the training, or not taking it sufficiently seriously.

      So, I claim I could have made it up (the 'pay rise' bit is better than my 'sacking' idea, but it is close). On the other hand, it isn't something I'm proud of. I made this up out of contempt for the modern world, and all that passes for management within it, and it is very troubling to be even that close.

  27. a_yank_lurker Silver badge

    Sadly Too True but Hilarious

    The Ass-Wiper app is basically what most of the ideas are worth. The business plan should be printed on toilet paper to get some use out of the wasted paper.

    Loved it.

    I will need a new keyboard from the coffee :)

  28. Speltier

    Washing Hands

    My app, worth at least 4 million, is as follows:

    small plastic clip for phone, 100

    app lease at 10 per month

    app videos subject washing hands, sends video to cloud analytics, sends back picture of hands showing filthy infectious areas not properly washed in bilious yellow-green.

    Linking to hospital database of pts who are felled by nosocomial infections and correlating adequacy of hand cleaning so admins can fire perps (this is extra hidden feature!)

    As a bonus, image recognition of anything in the video to provide a useful advert database for sale. Think of the possibilities, if brand X soap is used, and the vids consistently show poor results, your competitive brand can make a killing!! And we'll make sure our modelling constants guarantee positive use results!

    What is that screaming sound? Oh, a stealth styrofoam horned sort of unicorn startup just tanked because the revelation here constitutes prior art and they have not yet filed for letters patent? And now they are dead in the water? hahahahaha.... don't worry, there is still an ocean of drooling investor money available. For 100K, I'll provide another snazzy idea.

  29. John Crisp

    Apart from BOFH

    The only decent humour left round here....

    "so you’d better get in quick if you want to invest in the world’s most expensive alternative to remembering what your mum told you repeatedly ever since you were two fucking years old."

    Class....

  30. Chris G Silver badge

    Sign In

    And send me some money.

    I'm looking for £500.000 in crowd sourcing to fund a new app development for analysing Kickstarters and Crowdsourcing appeals, it can save you 50% of your investment.

    Download the app for free, it will ask you to send me the whole investment sum and details of the startup, the app will analyse the startup and then send back half the money with a message saying 'Don't invest'.

  31. jonathanb Silver badge

    Hand washing guide

    The NHS already has a website that gives you full details, including a demonstration video, on how to wash your hands - http://www.wash-hands.com/

  32. Stern Fenster

    Kittens?

    "Gargantua & Pantagruel" contains a lengthy discussion as to the best material for the purpose at hand, and rejects kittens fairly early on.

    As I recall, the final decision favours the neck of a goose.

  33. ThorWarhammer

    We're laughing our asses off here

    My wife is a nurse in acute medical admissions and she says & I quote

    "Why the fuck would we need an app or a pair of smartglasses, we can't even wear wrist watches, to tell us how to wash our hands properly, they'd be better off getting this into KFC or that place in Oldham that gave you food poisoning, it's not the staff that spread norovirus, it's the fucking chav relatives and visitors that don't wash properly that spread it and bring it in"

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: chav relatives and visitors

      No surprise there. While my wife spent the day in hospital after giving birth to our daughter the night before, the boyfriend of another woman in the same maternity ward came to visit, sat down and promptly lit up a cigarette. He was genuinely shocked when told that smoking wasn't permitted in a hospital ward at all, let alone two feet from his own newborn baby.

      1. ThorWarhammer

        Re: chav relatives and visitors

        Alistair

        I get it all feet on beds chairs etc etc etc

        you just can't uneducate thick

        We've got 3 kids and had 2 home births and 1 smash and grab in hospital literally born stayed for checks made sure mum was OK and we bolted home again with the community midwife in tow to settle us down again....

  34. SoaG

    RsWyp

    I believe the only appropriate response to your proposal is "Shut up and take my money!"

  35. This post has been deleted by its author

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lack of drive and an excess of greed...

    With drive I'm obviously referring to actually having that spark within you which fuels curiosity. Which makes you go the extra mile to learn what makes something tick. And of course the drive to learn about technology and how to use it.

    Greed? We all know that one...

    I still remember the perfect example of all this: when a Dutch Internet provider (World Online) decided to take their firm to the stock market. Context: it was a rather small company and the initial price for one stock sat very high. A simple calculation would show you that something wasn't right here. Simply checking their revenue (public information at that time) and dividing that with the amount of employee's and then matching it up to their estimated company value learned you that they had to earn a lot extra if they ever wanted to match up to it.

    You didn't even have to be a stock market expert. A few minor calculations combined with common sense and a small interest in the IT market was enough.

    Greed prevailed, the launch happened and the stock plummeted. Some people lost thousands that day.

    When I played the stock market (very small player) I only invested in companies I took a liking to and which looked trustworthy. Of course I had making money in mind, but I also liked to think that I was actually supporting those companies as well. Which means that when I noticed that things went bad with a certain company and their explanations made perfect sense to me I didn't bail out "just like that". Instead I expanded my portfolio because I trusted them; the dividend I got that year went straight back into the company. In the end that paid off quite well. Maybe not as much as the "jumpers" got who bailed and immediately invested into the next hip thing, but I ended up with both a nice bit of extra cash as well as a good feel of satisfaction.

  37. Alan Denman

    You are missing the point.

    ...that Kickstarter is in fact a form of consumerism.

    And often it is like those gadget shops with a vast vhoice of daft gadgets.

    Often too, kickstarter works like a group buying JIT scheme.

  38. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    Assets? Assets!

    Patty: Assets? what are they, anyway?

    Marcus Pendleton: Young female donkeys.

    Hot Millions (1968)

    IT angle? One of the earliest movies using computer crime as a plot device.

  39. Fibbles

    My current favourite 'bloody stupid business ideas':

    1) Hello Fresh

    "It's like take away but healthier!... Except you have to cook everything yourself, we're really just delivering ingredients. So we're kind of like Tesco home delivery... except you have you choose from a small selection of predefined meals, oh, and we charge a massive markup."

    2) Boomf

    When buying a gift for a relative or dear friend, who hasn't thought to themselves "what this person really, really, really wants is a one inch by one inch piece of marshmallow with a picture of themselves printed on it"?

  40. ecofeco Silver badge

    Yo scrode!

    You're shit's all fucked up and you talk like a fag!

    (free app to anyone who gets this reference)

    Seriously, this one was pure poetry, Dabbs. GOAL!!!!!

    1. FlamingDeath Bronze badge

      Re: Yo scrode!

      "Don't worry, scrote. There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now."

  41. FlamingDeath Bronze badge

    The Bell curve

    "being surrounded by divs and flakes"

    This is just further proof that you don't need to be intelligent to be wealthy or successful in the modern day, I can rubber stamp that analysis with a video of Donald Trump

    https://youtu.be/TXEOFHf1q9A?t=24s

  42. Bill B

    Not enough information

    Dear Mr Dabbs.

    I Read your Article and Thought that the Rs:Wyp sounds like a Very Good Idea but I couldn't find out Any Information on it Even a search on Google didn't give me Any Link and there was nothing on Kickstarter or on the Apple Store so Could you please Post A Link so I can Invest all my Life Savings because I think that I would make A Lot Of Money investing in such a Brilliant Project.

  43. CJatCTi

    Possibly the rest of the world is catching on

    In this weeks...

    http://www.economist.com/news/business/21679202-some-private-technology-firms-are-having-trouble-justifying-their-lofty-valuations-rise-and

    1. Erik4872

      Re: Possibly the rest of the world is catching on

      We can only hope people wake up before more money is wasted.

      What really gets me angry is that people have seen this before, within recent memory. The exact same venture capital startup business model inflated the First Dotcom Bubble of the late 90s. The only thing different is that instead of building web sites and data centers, we're pumping up cloud providers and building phone apps. Seriously, that's it. The same non-viable business plans, the same crazy promotion and marketing -- all of it is the same.

      I have watched from the sidelines in a series of "boring, old school" jobs for both of these bubbles. The thing that bothers me is that the flash and marketing of these startups crowds out anything truly innovative and interesting from getting to the average person.

  44. vmistery

    Don't worry about giving that hand washing app too much publicity... Apparently it's largest donation so far was £110,360 out of the total (at time of writing) £112,070 from 18 investors. No doubt the large donation was from one of our wonderful health departments.

  45. dehildum

    At one time in my career I did diligence for a large firm looking for strategic investments. There are two stories I recall from that time. The first was during the boom years in Silicon Valley, where you could not swing a dead cat without hitting a dozen startup firms. I, unfortunately, had to meet with the executives, listen to their pitches, and read their business plans. I recall one particularly long day where I was reviewing the plan of some long forgotten startup, consisting of hundreds of pages of the most up-to-date buzzwords, financial projections, etc. After finishing the last page, I tossed it on my desk and looked at it. After throughtly reading and reviewing the plan, I realized that fundamentally, I had no idea what they actually thought they were going to make or who they were going to sell it to. But they did need $10 million to do it…..

    The second was actually worse. We had (finally!) found a solid startup that had a product we were interested in with a real market. This particular startup had been funded by an angel investor, a dentist, who had gotten on the Silicon Valley hype train, and invested in a number of companies. We had drafted up a contract for the the international sales of the companies product, to the tune of several million dollars a year in projected revenue if the sales met projections. In the penultimate meeting before signing the contract, we met the CEO, only to be told that the angel investor had panicked because several of the other companies he had invested in had tanked, and that he was pulling his funds from all the companies and effectively shutting them down immediately. We looked into trying to directly fund the company ourselves, but simply did not have the time to work with to actually pull it off. The investor, having panicked, turned an investment would have been in the black in two weeks into a total loss….

  46. Andrew Torrance

    Bottoms

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Bottoms

      snigger

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Technology/medical startups too

    Seem to feel the need to blow all their investor money on industrial design, beautiful mockups, and even dozens of almost-functional 'A-model' prototypes before they've got around to fully debugging their one piece of fundamental core technology (which would be so much easier had they not already made 100's of the core components, boxed themselves into a corner with a case-design etc etc...)

    And/or part way through the development it becomes apparent there's a far easier and cheaper way to achieve the startup's core aim.... but no, we have to persevere with the expensive, unreliable, clunky approach (on which they hold a couple of patents) "because that's what out investors invested in"!

    Do investors really think like this - or is it just what the startups tell us?

  48. Tim Soldiers

    Ha ha Ha

    Yep, you all think its very funny. But the NHS buy, stuff as stupid as this (handwash- app or worse) all the time.

    The company only have to *cough" "reach-out" to the right person in each hospital and the order will be completed. Which is why they need the £360k

    Signed A.N. NHS Buyer

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