back to article German ex-pat jailed for smearing own pat all over Cork apartment

An ex-pat German Apple worker who stored three month’s worth of his own excrement and urine in his luxury apartment has been given a year's worth of porridge by an Irish court. Robert Kummer, 37, sparked a major public health scare after Gardai initially visited the apartment following a neighbour’s complaints about a foul …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    He was just holding it wrong

    Normal (for Fanbois)

    1. NoneSuch

      Re: He was just holding it wrong

      Yup, there's a "Genius."

    2. macjules Silver badge
      Megaphone

      Re: He was just holding it wrong

      There is a simple explanation for this - he was getting ready for secret product testing for the new iCrap. As a part of the rigorous testing we would expect from an Apple product he was building up stock of the feeder ingredients required for prolonged user acceptance testing.

      Look at the poor bugger whose electricity bill skyrocketed with the 3x daily recharges he was expected to do to test the Apple Watch - you don't mention him, do you? And what about the guy who turned green after carrying around miniature nuclear reactor (iNuke) required to keep his watch topped up?

      1. james_a

        Re: He was just holding it wrong

        Yep, Jobs would have commended and promoted him for dedication to his job.

  2. Anonymous Blowhard

    Twelve months locked in a cell with only a bucket to use as a toilet; he may not actually regard this as a punishment...

    1. GrumpenKraut Silver badge

      > he may not actually regard this as a punishment...

      It could be the cell will.

      1. DougS Silver badge

        It would be ridiculous if he actually ends up in jail. He's obviously got a serious mental illness.

        I can see people wanting to see "justice" in the form of jail time for someone who commits a violent crime when the defense presses for time in a mental institution. Maybe Ireland's penal system is able to provide effective mental care? If not, he's just going to do it again once he's released. They might have him on probation and require someone to visit his residence regularly, but once that's off he'd probably go back to his old habits.

        1. therebel

          Also in jail he won't have the opportunity to work and pay back the compensation to the landlord.

  3. Pascal Monett Silver badge

    The, ahem, marvellous variety of the human race

    Most of us, when depressed, would likely take to the bottle. Whisky is a stalwart companion of depression, something we are given ample examples of in noir films.

    But now and again, you get a behavior that skews from the norm, like this. Psychologically it must be quite intriguing.

    I'm sure the landlord would have preferred whisky, though.

    1. auburnman

      Re: The, ahem, marvellous variety of the human race

      you have to wonder if insurance will cover "ripping up all the floorboards because they've been marinading in shit for a year."

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The, ahem, marvellous variety of the human race

        wonder if insurance will cover "ripping up all the floorboards because they've been marinading in shit for a year."

        A good loss adjuster will have those floorboards put on Ebay in minutes. And I'll wager he'd get a good price for them from scat fans.

        1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

          Re: The, ahem, marvellous variety of the human race

          "A good loss adjuster will have those floorboards put on Ebay in minutes"

          Luxury stained wood flooring. Well seasoned, and perfect for high-end renovations. Also available, several square meters of extra-cured leather.

          If that doesn't shift it, then perhaps list it for the specialty market.

        2. Anonymous Cow Herder

          Re: The, ahem, marvellous variety of the human race

          Get more for iFloorboards

    2. Jos V

      Re: The, ahem, marvellous variety of the human race

      Pascal, it being Ireland, the landlord probably would have preferred whiskey, not whisky.

      Weekend pedantry and all.

      1. Pascal Monett Silver badge
        Pint

        @ Jos V

        I'll drink to that !

  4. Quortney Fortensplibe
    Gimp

    Scheisse!

    "...The one part of the apartment Kummer will not presumably be liable for was the toilet, which was found to be in perfect working order..."

    Never mind the toilet. What state was his glass coffee table in?

    </ german cliches >

  5. David 132 Silver badge
    Coat

    Kummer by name,

    ...Pooper by nature.

    1. GrumpenKraut Silver badge

      Re: Kummer by name,

      Btw. "Kummer" means "grief".

  6. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coat

    aspiring writer?

    First book called "spots on the livingroom wall" his pen name Hugh Flunge Pough?

    Yes, it's time for my coat and a pint! We really need two icons per post on Friday!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      Re: aspiring writer?

      The writing was on the wall.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: aspiring writer?

        He was a crappy writer with bad handwriting. No one understood his masterpiece.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Jail sentence?

    How is 12 months in the slammer a suitable punishment for someone that's clearly very mentally ill?

    I've always known that Ireland was pretty backward but this really takes the cake!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Jail sentence?

      It's nowhere near as bad as Merkin-land. They abolished all mental heath care in the 80s, and shortly after the prison population rose by the same amount.

      This retarded policy only reflects the attitudes of the typical merkin.

      The other day there was a news story about an attempted (ie failed) attack by a mentally ill person, and one merkin commented: "He should have dropped a few $100 on counselling before it got that bad".

      Unbelievable. They actually expect severely mentally ill people to pay for their own treatment, and can't see why having them wandering around in society untreated is bad. Only in Merkin-land.

      1. Fraggle850

        @AC Re: Jail sentence? Dear old blighty doesn't do too well either

        There are lots of mentally ill people who don't get the treatment and support that they need and end up being jailed over here too. We've never actually abolished mental health care here, just subjected it to the usual death by a thousand cuts. I gather that a lot of police time is spent dealing with this lack of care.

      2. Ishtiaq
        Pint

        Re: Jail sentence?

        Please, where is Merkin Land?

        As it's almost 11 on a Saturday morning I think it's time for my coat and the pub...

        1. chivo243 Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: Jail sentence?

          I thought because he was German it was a digg on Angela Merkel? But it was directed at America.

          "This retarded policy only reflects the attitudes of the typical merkin."

          Actually, the typical 'Merkin doesn't have a say in any shit law in any way. If I had to guess, there is no longer any TYPICAL American? Lawmakers are prevalent in every culture, they're usually sociopaths or misdirected wealthy people.

          Now I'll get my coat

        2. TheVogon Silver badge

          Re: Jail sentence?

          "Please, where is Merkin Land?"

          Otherwise known as "Leader of the Fee World", "The Colonies", "Predatorstan", "The Fifty Chinese Colonies", etc. etc.

    2. Alan Bourke

      Re: Jail sentence?

      Yeah, so backward the gays can get married.

      1. serendipity

        Re: Jail sentence?

        "Yeah, so backward the gays can get married."

        Oh Alan, you old homophobe you..

    3. CliveS
      Unhappy

      Re: Jail sentence?

      Whilst agreeing that any psychological issues are unlikely to be resolved by time in the slammer, this case dates back to 2013. Kummer pleaded guilty to a crime of criminal damage and was bailed to give him time to pay compensation. The incarceration is due to the fact that after two years and despite being in good employment he has only paid €800 or around €30 per month. And from reading the original article the implication is that Kummer is now in a better place mentally.

      1. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: Jail sentence?

        In his defence, the employment was good but the money was shit!

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Jail sentence?

      You can criticise a seemingly ridiculous sentence, what country doesn't have the odd one without resorting to xenophobic / racist comments about a while nationality!

      There's an appeals process and also this case spans 2 years during which time the guy seems to have held down a good job and had ample opportunity to make payment of €15,000 compensation to pay for the damage. He was not just thrown in prison at first instance.

      I don't agree with the sentence but there's also opportunity for the prison service to pass him over to a mental health service or even arrange early release.

      This isn't as cut and dry as is being made out here.

    5. Rainer

      Re: Jail sentence?

      Don't worry - he'll get cold showers in prison every morning. That'll cure him!

    6. Fraggle850

      Re: Jail sentence?

      Good call to all those who pointed out that this is not someone being jailed for criminal damage whilst mentally ill, but rather someone being jailed for non-payment of fine (well compensation, but a court-imposed tariff nonetheless). Surely they must have attachment of earnings or whatever it's called? If he's not paying when he's supposed to then dock his pay at source. Surely he's paying tax? (He's an Apple employee, not Apple itself so presumably can't pull the Irish tax dodge that his employers use to such effect). Perhaps he's got functional problems relating to his mental state? Can hold down a job but not capable of conducting his own affairs?

      Jail seems wasteful of everyone's time and resources.

  8. This post has been deleted by its author

  9. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    compensate the landlord to the tune of €15,000

    And definitely not to the tune of Scatman.

  10. 2460 Something
    Coat

    You have to feel for the guy. I am not sure that prison is the right place for someone in such a state. Depression is very nasty, especially if you have no support network in place. Maybe some counselling and help groups would have been more appropriate than 12 months in the slammer.

    Not a pleasant clean-up job though. Hazmat suits all round I think.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Google image search: typical macintosh user

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Should have marked that as NSFW :)

  12. LDS Silver badge
    Joke

    Did Jobs appeared to him...

    .... and told him to store Apple poo and urine because one day they will turn into gold and champagne?

  13. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
    Coat

    Brings a new meaning to the word

    Crapple

    Coat, Friday, time for the pub.

  14. Your alien overlord - fear me

    New meaning of taking your work home with you (Apple = crap job !!)

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just a perfectly average Apple employee.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      > Just a perfectly average Apple employee.

      Why had he patented this?

  16. Martin Summers Silver badge

    A years worth of porridge is surely just going to encourage more of the same?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "extraordinary" and "bizarre",

    The judge may have described the case thus, but that may be because the judge is more used to dealing with criminals than with the mentally ill. Storing faeces and urine is a fairly normal pattern of behaviour for certain mental illnesses. I've heard of several similar cases. But I've not heard of the victims being sent to prison for it before.

    1. Ken 16 Silver badge

      Re: "extraordinary" and "bizarre",

      "A psychiatrist...speculated the German man might have been suffering from depressive episodes"

      If he is speculating rather than offering a professional opinion, that suggests he isn't the court appointed psychiatrist or an expert witness and hasn't met the man. The DPP wouldn't prosecute if he didn't pass an examination for fitness to stand trial and any defence counsel would produce evidence of mental illness if any was found by expert witnesses.

      1. DavCrav Silver badge

        Re: "extraordinary" and "bizarre",

        "any defence counsel would produce evidence of mental illness if any was found by expert witnesses."

        I admit I'm not an 'expert witness', but wasn't there a fair amount of evidence of his mental illness in the apartment?

  18. A. Coatsworth
    Happy

    I came directly to the comments to complain about the shameless clickbait in the byline."What the fsck does it matter if he was an Apple employee?" I thought, incensed. "Damn you Reg" -I ranted on- "we all hate Apple, but that doesn't mean you have to smear it (tehe!) in this business"

    And then I got to the last line, and was hit in the head by that demolishing joke.

    Well played, mr. Fay, well played.

  19. This post has been deleted by its author

  20. Contrex

    Maybe he was fed up over not being a pat any more?

    1. Glenturret Single Malt

      ex-pat = ex-patriot (commonly used spelling error for the following);

      expat = expatriate (which is what I think is intended here).

  21. This post has been deleted by its author

  22. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    Dirty Protest 1978

    This chap is 37 - born around the time of the Dirty Protest in 1978, where excrement was smeared on the walls. Was he trying to recreate something from the year of his birth?

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_protest

    note: apparently the smearing on the walls was to make the stuff dry quicker, and thereby reducing the smell

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm a local and I find that sentence absolutely bizzare - you wouldn't get it for serious assault.

    The guy obviously has some major problems. I think the coverage borders on mockery and is borderline abusive of someone who is obviously unwell. The fact that he's an Apple employee is totally irrelevant. Thousands of people work for Apple in Cork.

    Irish Courts actually often have a horrendous approach to non payment of fines and compensation, which despite umpteen pieces of legislation to coerce them to use attachment to earnings, community service orders or other measures still isn't happening.

    They waste huge amounts of tax payers money on putting people behind bars (often for very short periods <24h) for non payment of court ordered sums of money.

    Yet if you were charged with a serious violent crime you'd probably get a pathetically lenient sentence despite having 9000 previous convictions.

    The guy was initially ordered to pay €15,000 to refurbish the apartment which required a complete strip out (including the floor boards and aspects of the structure. He paid €800. This is where the sentencing came from. The court probably handed down a suspended sentence subject to him paying compensation. He failed to pay up, despite having employment so, the sentence was no longer suspended and was activated.

    I wouldn't be surprised if this is reduced or even quashed entirely on appeal. There are clearly mental health issues.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Most suitable for the country

    Ireland is a dump anyway due to shitty egomaniacal robber politicians. Ridiculously high taxes geting nothing in exchange, ridiculously high rent, ridiculously high cost of living, ridiculously bad transport infrastructure, ridiculously low availability of anything, ridiculously awful or lack of public healthcare..

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What is it with Germans and poop?

    1. Havin_it
      IT Angle

      What is it with Britisherpigdogs and using infantilie words for shit?

      Icon: seems to have clipped the leftmost half of the sprite, sorry.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "Britisherpigdogs"

        I think you are reading your Korean menu incorrectly. Still, anything is better than German food I guess...

  26. Havin_it
    Coat

    Did anyone else see the story photo and think...

    "Physical Graffiti"?

    Did they then read the details and then think the same again?

    All right, all right, I'm already halfway to the Ausfahrt...

    1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

      Re: Did anyone else see the story photo and think...

      Surely if you're putting your coat on you're on the way to the Ausgang, not the Ausfahrt? It's difficult to drive while standing with your coat in front of you.

      (Why doesn't English have different short words for different sorts of exit and travel?)

      1. gerdesj Silver badge
        Childcatcher

        Re: Did anyone else see the story photo and think...

        Re: Ausfahrt

        I grew up in 18 month chunks shared between Germany and the UK. Me and my brother used to joke that the city of Ausfahrt must be huge (it's on the motorway signs that indicate an exit.)

        Then, being British, we'd snigger at the -fahrt bit. Used to pass the time on the autobahns.

      2. gerdesj Silver badge

        Re: Did anyone else see the story photo and think...

        "Why doesn't English have different short words for different sorts of exit and travel"

        I think ausfahrt is a compound word and means something like drive from or drive out or more simply exit. You could use exit ramp in English if you like. Now ausgang is something like out-going or way out. We might like to use exit instead because it is shorter. However way out is used quite a lot.

        So there you go: we have "exit", "way out" and "exit ramp" (a bit too en_US for me.) For good measure I also offer you "slip road" for UK (and perhaps wider) usage.

        Never underestimate English's variability. If we do actually lack a word then simply use someone else's. However, I don't think we need eingang, ausgang or ausfahrt. We are pretty well served in that area.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Did anyone else see the story photo and think...

          > I think ausfahrt is a compound word and means something like drive from or drive out or more simply exit

          It's Ausfahrt, not ausfahrt, and it's as much of a "compound" word as "exit" (Latin ex + ire, to go out).

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Did anyone else see the story photo and think...

        > Why doesn't English have different short words for different sorts of exit and travel?

        English does have different verbs for different forms of travel (to walk, to ride, to fly, to ski, to sail, to swim, to hoverboard, ...), what generally speaking German does not have is a generic term for "to go", without specifying by which means. Which is a bit of a pain in the arse as an English speaker, but Germans do not seem to mind the omission.

        As for different sorts of exit, claiming that modern English has commonly used specific forms depending on the mode of egress would be stretching things quite a bit!

  27. Tom 7 Silver badge

    After a day at work

    perhaps he needed something to come home to that was not too different?

  28. Dieter Haussmann

    stink different

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Joke

      I stink therefore I am

      with profound apologies to Descartes.

      IBM used to use the slogan "I think, therefore IBM"

      "I stink, therefore iThing"?

      A slogan for the t-shirts worn by the Genius crowd?

      (note: personal experience of being fobbed off by a Genius)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I stink therefore I am (Ewww)

        I hoped you wiped up after being fobbed off on by that Genius

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Joke

      stink Pink!

      with apologies to Mr P. Panther

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