back to article Commentard achieves bronze badge, goes directly to jail

Those of you who've been knocking around the El Reg forums for a while will know that we have a badge system designed to honour invaluable commentard contributions to the site, or at least acknowledge a certain degree of commitment to giving forth. To get a foot on the first step on the ladder of glory - the bronze badge - you …

  1. Evil Graham

    D****

    It's "Dread..." isn't it?

    Do I win a prize?

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: D****

      you get to be his "shower buddy" :)

      1. EddieD

        Re: D****

        Sherrif he says - which would indicate he's north of the border.

        I'll check the papers.

    2. DreadPirateRobot

      Re: D****

      Not this one if it is

    3. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: D****

      It's not Dylan is it? Sheriffs? Badges?

      Mama, take this badge off of me

      I can't use it anymore.

      It's gettin' dark, too dark to see

      I feel I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

      Not sure about the El Reg/Heaven connection though.

      1. Danny 2 Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: D****

        @ Ken Moorhouse

        So close. "Danny and Dusty" did a brilliant cover of Knocking on Heavens Door, but they (Sid Griffin) wrote an even more apt one, "The Word is out on Me"

        "It's like a little village, man!

        I was feeling very sad and so low, I went looking for some liquid sympathy

        Went and found some bums down at the depot and those commentards went and called the cops on me

        ...

        Seems like lately I've been paying for things I used to get for free

        Don't you know I hear the music playin', whoah I know the word is out on me"

    4. Martin Summers Silver badge

      Re: D****

      Comment here purely for those that don't read past page 2. The guy 'wot dunnit' has come forwards further on in the comments section and explained his situation somewhat.

  2. Your alien overlord - fear me

    Well, I hope you'll make an exception and change his badge to have little bars on it. I'm sure he'll appreiciate it, post jail time.

    1. YetAnotherLocksmith

      That would be epic.

    2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Shirley depriving someone of El Reg when in prison must count as cruel and unusual punishment?

      1. Jedit
        Coat

        "depriving someone of El Reg must count as cruel and unusual punishment?"

        No, that's forcing them to read the comments section.

  3. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
    WTF?

    Holy shit!

    What do you get for a Silver or Gold?

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Holy shit!

      A free bar of soap.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Holy shit!

        "A free bar of soap."

        Can't wait. I keep dropping mine.

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

          1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
            Headmaster

            Re: Holy shit!

            "Two nuns in the bath..."

            Don't, you'll set the pedants off :P

            And yes, it does doesn't it.

            1. Scott 53
              Headmaster

              Re: Holy shit!

              And yes it does, doesn't it?

              FTFY

              To be fair, you did warn everyone.

            2. herman Silver badge

              Re: Holy shit!

              No, it is 'Rub a dub dub, two maids in a tub', not nuns.

              Well, technically nuns are maidens I suppose...

          2. Chika

            Re: Holy shit!

            Two nuns in the bath...

            "Yes, it does" ;)

        2. Nevermind
          Devil

          Re: Holy shit!

          Cheeky.

        3. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
          Childcatcher

          Re: Holy shit!

          A free bar of soap

          That's for a silver badge. For gold you get soap on a rope.

      2. Peter Simpson 1
        Happy

        Re: Holy shit!

        Silver gets you your own bar of soap

        Gold gets it on a rope.

        1. I. Aproveofitspendingonspecificprojects

          Re: Holy shit!

          > Gold gets it on a rope.

          I hope he gets off on it.

        2. macjules Silver badge

          Re: Holy shit!

          TMI

    2. Grikath Silver badge

      Re: Holy shit!

      Silver gets you on the Special Watch List as a Subversive Element.

      Gold... Well given that those worthies are handpicked by Vulture Central up to this day... Your iDevices will stop talking to you, and won't respond to your queries, at the least. Or Death by Playmonaut.

      1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
        Pirate

        Re: Holy shit!

        Nah.

        Silver - your own set of evil henchmen and a dingy backstreet bar or nightclub to operate out of.

        Gold - your own volcano lair.

      2. Stoneshop Silver badge

        Re: Holy shit!

        Silver gets you on the Special Watch List

        I'm currently wearing a Casio Waveceptor Illuminator. Is that special enough, or do I need to get Dave Scott's Bulova Wrist Chronograph?

      3. GrumpenKraut Silver badge

        Re: Holy shit!

        > Or Death by Playmonaut.

        Death _as_ Playmonaut would be much more lovely!

      4. Greg J Preece

        Re: Holy shit!

        Silver gets you on the Special Watch List as a Subversive Element.

        Ohhhhhhhhhh fuck.

        On the upside, no chance of me getting upgraded to gold. There's no way I'm considered a net positive, given how much of a greenie I was when I joined.

        For Silver, a copy of Windows 10.

        Even though I only really use Windows for gaming, there's no way I'm putting that spyware on my gorgeous Plasma 5 box.

      5. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

        Re: Holy shit!

        Upvote for "Death by Playmonaut". Instant classic.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Holy shit!

      What do you get for a Silver or Gold?

      For Silver, a copy of Windows 10. Gold has to actually use it too :).

      1. Chris King Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Holy shit!

        Gold gets Windows 10... On a phone !!!

      2. Fatman Silver badge

        Re: Holy shit!

        <quote>What do you get for a Silver or Gold?

        For Silver, a copy of Windows 10. Gold has to actually use it too :).</quote>

        There is NO WAY IN HELL I would allow Windows 10 to infect this Linux box!!!!

    4. Danny 2 Silver badge

      Re: Holy shit!

      I'm guessing that is what happened to Danny 1.

  4. Unep Eurobats
    Thumb Up

    You can get badges?

    Wahey!

    1. Ralph the Wonder Llama
      Meh

      Re: You can get badges?

      With a username like that, were you once one of the Finest Minds in Twickenham, or is it just a wild coincidence?

      1. Unep Eurobats
        Pint

        Re: You can get badges?

        @Mr Lama: happy times.

        1. Ralph the Wonder Llama
          Happy

          Re: You can get badges?

          Does seem like a long time ago, in a galaxy far away, but yes indeed :)

    2. Anonymous Blowhard

      Re: You can get badges?

      Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!

      1. Anonymous Blowhard

        Re: You can get badges?

        Also:

        Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!

        What happened to the Web 2.0 Badger icon?

        http://www.theregister.co.uk/_teaser/web_badger.jpg

        1. PNGuinn
          Go

          Re: You can get badges?

          So - what do you have to do to get awarded a badger?? or a sheep in a vacuum???

          1. Danny 2 Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: You can get badges?

            "

            Who is is wearing badges, Who is making love

            Who is receiving from up above

            talking in a whisper, yeah speaking in tongues

            talking of the devil yeah here he comes

            badges, badges, we don't need no steenkin' bajees

            Walks up to me, makes the sign of the cross,

            says Julian H. Cope, you're a real dead loss

            "

            Okay, the old ones are not necessarily the best, but at least give me a wee bit of credit for getting the Doctor into this spamalot. 'I wanna be the pappa of this whole darn thread'. Ah the fun of drinking songs with friends, worth it even if I won't see your replies or downvotes and I lose my badge.

            "Well, I woke up next morning feeling like my head was gone

            And like my thick old tongue was licking something sick and wrong

            And I told that man I'd sell my soul for something wet and cold as that old cell"

            ~Voltaire, Candide

          2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

            Re: You can get badges?

            "So - what do you have to do to get awarded a badger?? or a sheep in a vacuum???

            Trust me - you don't want to know...

          3. The First Dave

            Re: You can get badges?

            @PNGuinn

            a _spherical_ sheep in a vacuum.

    3. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: You can get badges?

      Wahey!

      Very good.

      Now the other 99 don't NEED to be in the same topic.

  5. Unep Eurobats
    Mushroom

    I've been around here for ages

    and I've never got no steenkin' badges

    1. Bill Fresher

      Re: I've been around here for ages

      I ain't got no badges either. Member since 2007, 1332 posts.

      1. AMBxx Silver badge

        Re: I've been around here for ages

        You need upvotes too.

        1. Fink-Nottle

          Re: I've been around here for ages

          > You need upvotes too.

          Upvotes are easy.

          1/. Find a suitable post written by someone else.

          2/. Respond with "Here, have an upvote/downvote."

          3/. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: I've been around here for ages

            >Upvotes are easy.

            Just say how wonderful Linux is or how crap windows is. In any article about PC World say how you belittled one of the sales people with your superior knowledge even though you only went in to get out of the rain and wouldn't ever dream of buying anything from them. Deriding Apple products/users also used to be a sure fire winner but that seems to be 50/50 recently.

            1. wowfood

              Re: I've been around here for ages

              You've basically outlined how I've gotten 80% of my upvotes. Well done.

              Sadly I've gone quiet for the past few months, not as many articles have piqued my interest as of late, so I'm way below the number of comments requirement now.

              1. Ben Boyle

                Re: I've been around here for ages

                Upvote for correct use and spellage of "piqued"

                1. PNGuinn
                  Headmaster

                  Re: I've been around here for ages @ Ben Boyle

                  Would that be the correct spelling of "spellage"?

                  Have an upvote.

              2. I. Aproveofitspendingonspecificprojects

                Re: I've been around here for ages

                And now we know where you have been.

                FunMcKell almost missed the opportunity to edit my post! I really must learn not to waste time on columns this old

            2. Ben Tasker Silver badge

              Re: I've been around here for ages

              > In any article about PC World say how you belittled one of the sales people with your superior knowledge even though you only went in to get out of the rain and wouldn't ever dream of buying anything from them

              You mean they used to sell stuff?

          2. Martin Summers Silver badge

            Re: I've been around here for ages

            "1/. Find a suitable post written by someone else.

            2/. Respond with "Here, have an upvote/downvote." "

            You're absolutely spot on, have an upvote.

            1. heyrick Silver badge

              Re: I've been around here for ages

              "You're absolutely spot on, have an upvote."

              Beautiful post, have an upvote...

            2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

              Re: I've been around here for ages

              > You're absolutely spot on, have an upvote.

              Downvoted. Just to mess with your head/karma/badgeness[1]

              :-)

              [1] But not in the old-fashioned Top Gear sense..

        2. Chris King Silver badge

          Re: I've been around here for ages

          No, it's just 100 posts in a 12-month period (I got mine recently).

          You need 2,000+ upvotes for Silver, so I've got a very long way to go yet.

      2. Bob H

        Re: I've been around here for ages

        It took me ages, but a few months ago I finally made it to bronze! But sometimes it seems to disappear and reappear, I don't understand the logic. And the fuzz haven't turned up yet....

        1. Gotno iShit Wantno iShit

          Re: I've been around here for ages

          You presumably need to maintain >100 posts in the past year, drop below that and you temporarily lose the badge.

          I got close and chased it for a while but struggled finding two articles per week that satisfy all of; a) A subject I am knowledgeable upon, b) I have a thought upon that hasn't already been expressed, c) I give a crap about enough to post. Usually someone writes what I'm thinking expressed better than I would have and faster. So do I post lots of shite and/or 'Here, have an upvote' noise. Or do I STFU and remain badgeless?

          The system seems to encourage inane chatter to me. X upvotes or net X in the past 12 months would be a more beneficial metric.

          1. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

            Re: I've been around here for ages

            > You presumably need to maintain >100 posts in the past year, drop below that and you temporarily lose the badge

            Which is why a period of one year is known as the "bronze age". I found history very confusing at school.

            1. Terry 6 Silver badge

              Re: I've been around here for ages

              . I found history very confusing at school.

              Probably cos they kept going on about a load of old stuff. that happend years ago.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: I've been around here for ages

                When my kids ask for help about a history lesson I normally find it's something I actually live through....damn I'm getting old, I know....but when youngest daughter aske me about the Victorian times, and how I survived them....

                1. Terry 6 Silver badge

                  Re: I've been around here for ages

                  When I'm working with younger kids I often claim to be several hundred years old. I like weaving stories and inventing stuff for them. The worry is that they sometimes believe I can remember the Ancient Egyptians etc.

                  1. Anonymous Coward
                    Anonymous Coward

                    Re: I've been around here for ages

                    "2/. Respond with "Here, have an upvote/downvote.""

                    4/. Correctly label sarcasm as sarcasm, it helps the Americans

                    5/. Correctly label trolling as trolling, if helps the Americans

                    6/. Poke fun at the Americans but then explain you are making fun, or explain anything actually, you know why.

                    I was joking, it's British humour.

                    1. BakedAlaskan

                      Re: I've been around here for ages

                      I think your poking fun at us Americans is among my favourite (sic) things about reading El Reg.; that and trying to decipher British humour (sic).

                      Have an up vote!

                      1. Anonymous Coward
                        Anonymous Coward

                        Re: I've been around here for ages

                        Wow my first post was on the 22nd of Feb 2007. 78 Pages of posts. 6815 up votes 1252 down votes. Feel for us anons who will never have a badge T_T

                        Even had some emails of the week back in the good old days.

                  2. Anonymous Coward
                    Pint

                    Re: I've been around here for ages

                    Heck; that's not too bad when you consider the film 1,000, 000 years BC with fur bikinis - have a drink to commeserate about the younsters today...

                2. Shadow Systems Silver badge

                  @AC re Victorian times.

                  My son & I used to have "You're so old" contests in the same way one would engage in a "Your mom's so fat" juvenile amusement.

                  We had to stop when I nearly crashed my car from laughing so hard when my son cried from his booster chair in the back seat: "Dad, you're so old you farted like a tuba & we know it as The Big Bang!"

                  I declared him the winner, then got even by buying a metric fekton of refried bean & cheese microwave burritos for supper that night.

                  Teach the little monster to make fun of my gas. Bah!

                  =-)p

                  1. BakedAlaskan

                    Re: @AC re Victorian times.

                    Have an up vote!

                    There:

                    100 posts of inanity on the El Reg wall, 100 posts of inanity

                    Write one out, click to submit, 99 posts of inanity on the wall...

                    Maybe next time I will actually find something meaningful to say, but don't get your hopes up!

              2. Shadow Systems Silver badge

                @Terry 6 re History class.

                I'm so old that I didn't have a History class in school, it was called Potential Futures.

                *Shakes a palsied fist*

                Dang you young WhipperSnappers! Get off my laaaaaawn!

                =-)p

                1. PNGuinn
                  Happy

                  Re: @Terry 6 re History class. @Shadow Systems

                  Q an indeterminate number of Yorkshire......

                2. chivo243 Silver badge

                  Re: @Terry 6 re History class.

                  yes, I keep telling the youngins' that I was here the day dirt was invented...

          2. Salts

            Re: I've been around here for ages

            @GIWI

            "a) A subject I am knowledgeable upon"

            That's where you are going wrong, never post comments on something you are knowledgeable on!

            1. Bluto Nash

              Re: I've been around here for ages

              Yep, hasn't stopped the rest of us, has it?

            2. Adam 1 Silver badge

              Re: I've been around here for ages

              > A subject I am knowledgeable upon

              Obligatory

              https://xkcd.com/386/

          3. tony72

            Re: I've been around here for ages

            The system seems to encourage inane chatter to me. X upvotes or net X in the past 12 months would be a more beneficial metric.

            I agree about the inane chatter, any forum that has awards for making a certain number of posts ends up with lots of "me too" posts from people just trying to get their post count up. But no system is perfect; your suggestion of rewarding upvotes instead would just encourage groupthink and karma-whoring, not the kind of critically minded discussion I'd like to see in the El Reg forums.

            Fortunately I don't think enough Reg readers are bothered enough about the badges to actually chase them for the sake of it, so it probably doesn't matter much.

            1. 9Rune5

              Re: I've been around here for ages

              "I don't think enough Reg readers are bothered enough about the badges to actually chase them for the sake of it"

              Yes...and no... I would gladly kill to be able to use the blockquote html tag.

              ...which is probably what d***** (strange nick, but who am I to judge?) did.

          4. Your alien overlord - fear me

            Re: I've been around here for ages

            I don't need to be knowledgeable to post about anything - as my high down votes attests. I got my bronze in August, silver in November. Post and ye shall be rewarded.

          5. Teiwaz Silver badge

            Re: I've been around here for ages (sega)

            a) A subject I am knowledgeable upon,

            b) I have a thought upon that hasn't already been expressed,

            c) I give a crap about enough to post.

            a) When has a) ever been a reason for someone Not to post on the Internet???

            b) Hasn't stopped many people either.

            c) Bored now....

            1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

              Re: I've been around here for ages (sega)

              c) Bored now....

              z) zzzzzzz

          6. AbortRetryFail

            Re: I've been around here for ages

            Yes, I also briefly had a bronze badge when the system started and then it disappeared again after a while.

            Can't say I'm that bothered about the badges though. Although the extra formatting would be nice - maybe El Reg could alter it so that those rights could stay enabled once granted even if the badge goes away again, please?

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: I've been around here for ages

          It took me ages, but a few months ago I finally made it to bronze! But sometimes it seems to disappear and reappear, I don't understand the logic. And the fuzz haven't turned up yet....

          Ah, but there are two options for Bronze. Jail or suffering the <blink> tag. It starts with your badge :)

          1. Montreal Sean

            Re: I've been around here for ages

            I'll take jail.

            Keep those <blink> tags away from me!

            1. Shadow Systems Silver badge

              @Montreal Sean re Blink tags.

              <Blinking Scrolling Marquis>What, like this?</Annoying Geocities dancing musical hamster>

              =-)p

              (Sorry, just couldn't resist a set up THAT good.)

      3. Alien8n Silver badge

        Re: I've been around here for ages

        Surprised the heck out of me as well. Although the "member since 2007" bit is a little out of date as I've been around since around 2000. I'm finding the Doctor Who reviews are doing wonders at keeping my comment rate up :)

  6. Unep Eurobats
    Headmaster

    'commentard guidelines is maintained'

    That should be 'are maintained'.

    1. James 51 Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: 'commentard guidelines is maintained'

      or detained?

  7. Unep Eurobats
    Paris Hilton

    Actually I think there should be some form of quality control

    To avoid random spamming by the desperate.

    1. Grikath Silver badge

      Re: Actually I think there should be some form of quality control

      Never!! There was even a time when it was a challenge to get to Silver on downvotes..

      Gave rise to a spate of articulate, yet highly contentuous posts, that one.. classic.. :)

      1. ZSn

        Re: Actually I think there should be some form of quality control

        Do downvotes count towards silver. I though that it was only upvotes. If so then perhaps I should follow the tour eadon took!

        1. Simon Harris Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: Actually I think there should be some form of quality control

          I'm sure eadon's strategy was to try to get so many downvotes that eventually they'd hit INT_MIN, wrap around and turn into upvotes.

    2. GrumpenKraut Silver badge
      Meh

      Re: Actually I think there should be some form of quality control

      I find the comments at El Reg usually OK, sometimes great. Best if quality control is not needed, i.e., commentards sort it out by themselves.

      And then Eadon got kicked, to the tune of very many very small violins, I am sure.

      1. Steven Roper

        Re: Actually I think there should be some form of quality control

        "And then Eadon got kicked, to the tune of very many very small violins, I am sure."

        That was a truly sad day for the El Reg community. Eadon's shitposting was pure Reg gold; I had to replace a container's worth of keyboards because of him. Only Webster Phreaky ever surpassed him, but he seemed to have vanished before Eadon took over. Perhaps they were one and the same entity, and perhaps his ghost haunts the El Reg comments threads even to this day...

        1. DanceMan

          Re: I had to replace a container's worth of keyboards

          Just acquired four more keyboards. Let 'em rip!

          1. Martin Budden

            Re: I had to replace a container's worth of keyboards

            Don't fret the loss of Eadon, we still have jake.

    3. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Actually I think there should be some form of quality control

      To avoid random spamming by the desperate.

      I've often thought of exactly the opposite. I should get off my arse(*) one of these days and set up "bewildering-upvotes.com" (**) where each week members vote on the most boring/anodyne post on their favourite site and then everyone goes and gives it a thumbs up. Perfect for sad gits everywhere who fancy themselves as anarchists, but who are too polite to do anything naughty.

      * and probably sit back down again if I want to do web coding

      ** motto: "Dada's not dead; it just smells a little funny" perhaps?

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

        Re: bewildering-upvotes.com

        I for one would bookmark that.

    4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: Actually I think there should be some form of quality control

      Quality control? At El Reg? How *very* dare you!

  8. 0laf Silver badge
    Alert

    Most post moar!

    +1

    Postcount is postcount

    Now I know there is a badge to get....

    1. Hellcat

      Re: Most post moar!

      You already have that badge...

      ...and so do I!

    2. Joe Harrison Silver badge

      Re: Most post moar!

      Posting irrelevance just for the sake of getting the badge? Very reprehensible and not in the spirit.

      Did I ever tell you the story of when my grandad was on night duty in Sidi Barani?

      1. Fink-Nottle

        Re: Most post moar!

        > Posting irrelevance just for the sake of getting the badge?

        Here, have an upvote.

        1. lawndart

          Re: Most post moar!

          But I try to post quality, not quantity*. Bad badge earning decision I suppose.

          *Unless there is a 6Tb WD Black hard drive involved and then the quality setting goes out the window.

          Speaking of which, that was some time ago now and no winner announced...

        2. Martin Summers Silver badge

          @Fink-Nottle

          Apparently you owe me one on your earlier comment. Us Bronze club members need to stick together. That is until I get to silver then you're on your own.

          1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: @Fink-Nottle

            > Us Bronze club members need to stick together

            Indeed. Can't have the riffraff hoi-polloi coming in here, polluting our excellence with their non-badgedness!

            Death to the badgeless!

        3. Psmiffy

          Re: Most post moar!

          @Fink-Nottle: You sir get an upvote just for your nick, Gussie Finknottle.

          1. Fink-Nottle

            Re: Most post moar!

            @Psmiffy : What Ho! Another egg with a whiff of the Drones about him.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Coat

              Re: Most post moar!

              Is that you Gussie? Bertram told me you were in trouble with the Sheriff of Fife over a policemans cap!

      2. PNGuinn
        Stop

        Re: Most post moar! @ Joe Harrison

        Fortunately, no.

        Have an upvote.

  9. RobHib

    Curious.

    I doubt I'd even respond through embarrassment, it's a credit he did.

    Now it's a story, I'd be curious to match his 'misdemeanour' against his posts.

  10. James 51 Silver badge

    I wonder how many there are of each of the badgets.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Geesh

    Maybe we could chip in and send D**** a cake with a file in it.

    Open Source, not MS-Office.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Geesh

      Quicktime? Or maybe just one with escape sequences in it?

      1. Adam 1 Silver badge

        Re: Geesh

        > Or maybe just one with escape sequences in it?

        Maybe we could all just pick up the \t ?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Geesh

      Maybe we could chip in and send D**** a cake with a file in it.

      Open Source, not MS-Office.

      And what would he do with a USB stick with a file? Oh, wait, you mean HARDWARE? Ugh.

      :)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Go

        Re: Geesh

        Etched on the steel in a barcode format (PDF418?) giving you a file on a file

    3. Terry 6 Silver badge

      Re: Geesh

      Definitely not a Windows file.

      1. PNGuinn
        Boffin

        Re: Geesh @Terry 6

        Have an upvote.

  12. 2460 Something

    Or use LOHAN to drop him some contraband in... Drones are way too commonplace these days.

    1. GregC

      Nah - he'll be out before LOHAN gets it's clearance...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @ 2460 Something

      According to a recent article Spanish grannies fannies are the way to go.

  13. Winkypop Silver badge
    Meh

    Sorry to hear that D****

    Maybe we do need a ne'er-do-well icon for life's less attractive times.

    There are plenty of stories about corporate wrong doing.

  14. ukgnome Silver badge

    Well prison and IT departments are quite similar

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Devil

      Prisons IT Departments, or work? Every day Monday -> Friday I report to jail, doing a life sentence 8 or so hours at a time. When I'm finally paroled, I'll be old, tired and in the way.

    2. Peter Simpson 1
      Pirate

      I think we may have accidentally discovered the BOFH's nym.

      The PFY wouldn't have had anything to do with his incarceration, now, would he?

    3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      More freedom to insult the other inmakes in the clink..

    4. BakedAlaskan

      I am pretty sure you get neither conjugal visits nor time off for good behavior in IT departments.

  15. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Coat

    Bronze Badge with Oak Leaves, then...

    I will be in the server room, tracing patchcables some ex-popsicle from Pandorum...

  16. emmanuel goldstein

    "Private Eye" has the Curse of Gnome, maybe there is also a Curse of Vulture?

    Don't worry D*****, been there, done that, and it's not as bad as you may be thinking it's going to be.

    1. Bob H
      Flame

      Judging by the name is that a Hackers/Cereal Killer reference or a 1984 reference?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    And for a bronze badge...

    You get to share a cell with a man called Bubba?

    1. Bob H
      Joke

      Re: And for a bronze badge...

      Does he talk about shrimp a lot?

  18. g e

    Huzzah. Badges!

    Must add this to my LinkedIn profile along with Hollowing out Volcanoes & Womble Wrangling

    1. g e

      Re: Huzzah. Badges!

      Wait a minute, where's my steenkin' badge???

      Our records show you have been a member since 2007-06-12

      1. g e

        Re: Huzzah. Badges!

        Haha. Pillock.

        Was looking for bronze. Didn't spot silver.

        Extreme cognitive bias. now, where's my dingy lair..?

        1. Danny 2 Silver badge
          FAIL

          Re: Huzzah. Badges!

          That's why I love you folk. You at your worst remind me of me at my best.

          I was working at a high tech, let's leave it nameless for now, Cisco-kid, and some younger coder was joking away about $ rm -rf and how disastrous it can be. And because he was chatting about it, he did it, took down his own machine, and then groaned and admitted it. My first thought was naturally, 'how stupid can you anyone be?'

          And then I typed it in too because, well, stupidity is recursive and infectious. I'd answered my own unspoken question and took the focus off him.

      2. Arthur the cat Silver badge

        Re: Huzzah. Badges!

        In my case:

        Our records show you have been a member since 2008-08-08

        I think the Chinese would regard that as a very auspicious date, but I still haven't got a badge. Probably not that much free time probably.

        1. Haku

          Re: Huzzah. Badges!

          I joined on a Friday the 13th...

          1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: Huzzah. Badges!

            > I joined on a Friday the 13th...

            I have no idea when I joined. Obviously I could click on the link against my name but that sounds all too suspiciously like work.

            1. Shadow Systems Silver badge

              @CrazyOldCatMan re Work.

              I thought about starting a Procrastinator's Club but never got around to it...

            2. Baskitcaise

              Re: Huzzah. Badges!

              @ CrazyOldCatMan

              Well I just did and apparently in 7 days time I will have been here for 12 years.

              Will have to get up and do some work I suppose.

        2. Alistair Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: Huzzah. Badges!

          @arthur the cat.

          More like too much 'nip.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Who cares for badges apart from those in the Brownies ?

    Get a life.

    1. Chika
      Trollface

      Who cares for badges apart from those in the Brownies ?

      You were in the Brownies too?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Yes, I'm Billy Connolly and have been married to the lovely Pamela Stephenson for quite a few years thanks.

        1. Chika
          Trollface

          Nae botha, Big 'Yin. Gonna gi' us ten guitars?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Go

      it's mine prercious of course

    3. The First Dave

      "Who cares for badges apart from those in the Brownies ?"

      The Guides, Scouts and Boys Brigade.

      The Army, Navy and Air Force, though in a slightly different way.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm wondering why people (including the article author) are referring to the perp as a "He".

    1. Irony Deficient

      “He”

      Anonymous Coward, perhaps because (epicene) “He” requires fewer keystrokes than either (singular) “They” or “He/She”.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: “He”

        The article author knows which posts belong to this convicted commentard. There may be a clue as to their sex in their posts.

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge
          Paris Hilton

          Re: “He”

          There are commentards having sex in their posts? Erk...

          1. earl grey Silver badge
            Trollface

            Re: “He”

            To be more inclusive now you should use s/he-it.

          2. The First Dave

            Re: “He”

            Only with myself...

  21. Aitor 1 Silver badge

    Pot money

    We could put some money and try to contact him to send him a gift, postcard whatever.

    He seemed quite angry at his lawyer for putting him on the spam list.. and was affected by the swiss secure web service shutdown.. he lost emails important for his defense.

    1. Danny 2 Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Pot money

      What a nice thought, but no donations necessary. It was enough to see this unsolicited thread as the first headline I read after coming out of a mad day in court, as I now know I'm able to survive a heart-attack event.

      ProtonMail being down didn't lose my emails, just delayed things. My lawyer has unspammed me, although I doubt he'll ever be my Facebook friend now. My anger has effervesced into utter bemusement. This anecdote will be funny 'in time' but right now the jokes on me - I mean, how does anyone manage to get thrown out of their own trial without being able to get arrested? I was expecting Porridge but this is a legal version of Fawlty Towers, unfortunately with me as Manuel.

      At various points over the past 11 months I've been asked about my mental health, I assumed out of concern, now I realise they were just checking if they'd done enough yet.

      Unless you actually meant money for cannabis, in which case I'd say yes, that might help. I am afraid I don't know any dealers (yet, I guess I'll meet some inside) except the complainant. And bail restrictions forbid me from approaching them.

      Beer Icon, because that's what I spent my last bus-fare on.

  22. Chika

    I was evicted from my dingey lair...

  23. Haku

    I wonder if we'll get any special priviliges based on how low our user number is.

  24. 45RPM Silver badge

    I visited a friend in chokey once. I got frisked and x-rayed for drugs - which I, as a tweedy kind of a bloke, thought was hiliarious. I don’t do anything stronger than whisky, tea and bacon.

    They took dabs too. So presumably I’m on record somewhere.

    1. Martin Summers Silver badge

      "They took dabs too"

      It's Dabbs, but thanks I wondered where his article was this week.

    2. Pompous Git Silver badge
      Meh

      Chokey

      I got asked what it was like in prison once. Said I didn't know and the interlocutor said: "Well that's funny. Isn't that where you've been the last couple of years?"

      Apparently there had been a picture of me robbing a bank on the front page of one of the Melbourne papers. Except it wasn't me.

      1. herman Silver badge

        Re: Chokey

        Well, with the handle 'Chokey', are you sure you are not a sleep walker? Found a big wad of cash in front of your bed one day and wondered where it came from? That may be why...

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Chokey

        > there had been a picture of me robbing a bank on the front page of one of the Melbourne papers. Except it wasn't me.

        Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?

  25. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge
    Holmes

    Who's stopped posting? C'mon, we should be able to work it out...

    1. James O'Shea Silver badge

      Well, I'm still here. Even though I've taken to answering telemarketer calls with "You have reached the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office Anti-Fraud Task Force. Please hold." Somehow I suspect that Sheriff Rick "An M16 in every squadcar" Bradshaw (yes, he actually said that...)o won't be too happy to find out that he has a task force which might look into what he perpetuated in the last election.

  26. drone2903 in Kanuckistant

    Not me !

    Got scared. Thought it was me for a second.. Then I remember: I don't post enough to have the bronze medal... Phew!

  27. Ian Emery Silver badge
    Happy

    I recently made Siliver

    So now I can look down on all you Bronze chasers..... PLEBS!!!

    1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: I recently made Siliver

      Bang goes any chance you might have had of being awarded a Gold Star then.

      Govel, grovel...

      1. Ian Emery Silver badge
        Gimp

        Re: I recently made Siliver

        No chance I would have made Gold anyway, too many people come in here after a sense-of-humour bypass.

        Mind you, some of my jokes are so bad, my 2y/o daughter laughs at them.

        (Not me, the missus with one of her "beauty" masks on).

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Getting badges

    Retired with time on hands, had a job that involved working in more than one professional field, but including IT, opinionated. Genuinely knowledgeable helps but not essential,

    AC because, well, it's embarrassing.

  29. Christopher Lane
  30. Christopher Lane
  31. Christopher Lane
  32. Christopher Lane

    have...

  33. Christopher Lane
  34. Christopher Lane
  35. Christopher Lane
  36. Christopher Lane

    submit...

  37. Christopher Lane
  38. Christopher Lane

    hundred...

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  39. Christopher Lane
    1. Martin Summers Silver badge

      No you have to stop doing stupid things like spam comment sections.

      1. Christopher Lane
        Joke

        oooooo hark at you...someones had a humour bypass ;-)

        1. Martin Summers Silver badge

          If that counts as humour in your world then apparently so.

        2. PNGuinn
          Trollface

          @ Christopher Lane

          Have a dozen or so downvotes.

    2. 45RPM Silver badge

      Err… Yes. But you also need to have a certain number of upvotes - and this isn’t a great way of getting those.

      Must try harder, I’m afraid. Quality as well as quantity.

      1. Christopher Lane

        Like I'm worried...it's a bootnotes article. Now were it a serious piece of journalism about Crypto4/SAN all flash arrays/Net neutrality etc I could understand the "humour removed at birth" individual above. However I shall accept my downvotes with joy, join them together in a daisy chain about my head and poke a flower down each of your barrels...peace out brothers and sisters!

    3. Pirate Dave
      Pirate

      We used to call this "Darranting"...

      http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=darrant

  40. speedbird007
    Happy

    HMP Elreg

    Apart from the last 12 posts (trying too hard lads) this thread has been most entertaing today.

    Prefer Badgers to badges/badgelets btw.

    If the commentard called D***** has really gone on holiday at her Majesty's expense I expect a postcard to be displayed on El Reg sometime soon.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: HMP Elreg

      BA pilot by any chance?

  41. greenawayr

    Badges???

    We don't need no stinkin' badges

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Facepalm

      Re: Badges???

      Well wash them, then they wont stink, so much

  42. John Sanders
    Megaphone

    Why have badges...

    ...When you can have good old badgers?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIyixC9NsLI

  43. John Sanders

    Also I hate...

    ...The badge coming and going...

    One just does not have so much time to spend on the interwebs any more!

  44. MeRp

    Snitches get stitches... non-lurkers get jail time. Got it!

  45. John Stoffel

    obligatory commentard comment for bronze wanna-be

    I want my broze too! Hold on officer... be right with you.

    1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: broze

      I see what you did there

      http://web2.broze.be/

  46. Danny 2 Silver badge

    un Wanted Man

    It's me. I got thrown out my own trial and I can't even get arrested now.

    I was told by my lawyer, court appointed against my wishes, to expect a prison sentence - the actual 'crime' is a bit tech related and a bit funny but I'll save that story for my release.

    The trial though is after 11 months of 'intermediate diets' that started off daft but have descended into farce. I got ejected from the court today for wearing my jacket 'disrespectfully' (back to front, I was freezing) and told to wait in the corridor. The Sheriff hadn't even arrived, he always turns up late. Then a court official from the next court ejected me from the corridor, even though I had my jacket on the right way. I went to the PF office and go told to wait in the corridor and my lawyer would sort it out, was ejected again so I asked a cop in the cafe to arrest me - which they refused to do without a warrant.

    I'm all psyched up for prison but this is doing my head in, so I go for a long walk. I don't want to waste police time so I go back at 4pm, the court is meant to run until 5pm but they've obviously ejected all the criminals and finished early. I ask at the PF office if a warrant has been issued for me, yes there has. Good, can I turn myself in now then? Well, the paper-works not been done yet, the PF may invite you in or send out officers to look for you. I'm difficult to contact, can I just go to the police station and ask to be arrested? You can ask.

    Which I did, and no they wouldn't. I'll try again tomorrow. The relative sanity of a police cell is increasingly inviting just now but seemingly they are hard to break into. Je suis agitée par les vagues, et ne sombre pas.

    1. Martin Summers Silver badge

      Re: un Wanted Man

      Kudos for coming forward. I look forward to a follow up article featuring you soon! So long as someone from El Reg actually spotted your post that is.

      1. Danny 2 Silver badge

        Re: un Wanted Man

        Ta, and thanks to Drew for the shock of seeing me in the headlines when even the local papers wouldn't be interested.

        I should fix one thing, "We'd like to assure readers that nothing D**** has posted *here* in the last 12 months merits jail time".

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Gimp

          Re: un Wanted Man

          mostdegradingrevengepornever.com?

          1. This post has been deleted by a moderator

    2. Geoffrey W Silver badge

      Re: un Wanted Man

      Blimey. Don't go to sleep. You'll probably wake up and find you've transformed into a gigantic insect

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: un Wanted Man

        a bit kafkaesque surely?

  47. Disko
    Coat

    any

    gold members

    ...

  48. Cynic_999 Silver badge

    Well I'm not a bronze member, a silver member or a gold member. I'm a country member.

    1. Martin Budden

      I remember.

    2. Michael Thibault

      >I'm a country member.

      Which? Country matters.

      1. Martin Budden
        Joke

        @Michael Thibault

        I'll repeat the joke, as it may not be well known outside Australia:

        When Sir Winton Turnbull (a rural MP) was rambling on in Parliament and said: "I am a Country member" the Prime Minister Gough Whitlam interjected "I remember". Sir Winton could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides.

        1. Michael Thibault

          Re: @Michael Thibault

          >it may not be well known outside Australia

          It isn't. For good reason. That dawned on me. Very. Slowly. Possibly due to the time difference. Different strokes...

  49. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Go

    I am not a number

    I am a Bronze Badge Holder

    says Prisoner 6######

    (GO - to jail icon)

  50. zanto
    Facepalm

    badges and prison

    Been a part of the reg for a long time now. Although I don't post as often as I need to in order to get a badge. Somewhere during this time, I did get married though.

    1. Danny 2 Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: badges and prison

      Getting married counts, and all that sort of love-and-children type success. I often feel jealous of my best friend for that very reason, and although his eldest son is my god-son that is vicarious.

      But his wife doesn't like James Spader so he doesn't get to watch 'The Black List', and I do. And his kids love 'Impractical Jokers' so he has to watch that, and I don't.

      Swings and roundabouts I guess.

  51. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    If this was The Mail

    There'd be a petition by now to strip him of his Bronze Badge.

    1. Danny 2 Silver badge

      Re: If this was The Mail

      If it's any consolation to Mail readers, but the time I'm likely to get out I'll have lost my bronze badge qualification.

    2. Chika
      Coat

      Re: If this was The Mail

      That's assuming that they haven't already found a report somewhere that states that bronze badges are carcinogenic, of course!

  52. JWG

    And I'm supposed to care - why? To be honest, most of my comments wouldn't make it past the foul language censors (I've been in IT since prehistoric times, the 1970s when I was a COBOL and RPG III guru (God, I'm old). Starting in the early '80's, moved into infrastructure (which didn't exist as a title for another 20 years). I am one of the Original Bastards in America, though my real name is unknown, being I'm an autistic and didn't remain long enough at any company to be known to anyone. Never could find that one spot I could have survived in. I, however, as a contractor, did many projects at Microsoft, Intel, Xerox, Symantec, and more than a few contract companies that have gone away over the years. Lots of great experience: CPU Debug Engineer, Software Test Engineer, Senior Technical Project Manager, Senior Customer Service Engineer (Third tier). There were odds and ends as fill-in BOFH, App Dev, etc. Oh, you were talking about Bronze Badges - We ain't got no stinkin' badges...

    1. Danny 2 Silver badge

      "This post has been deleted by a moderator"

      That was me, that was, and why should you care, when you are a bit older, and more talented and experienced, and maybe, just maybe more autistic, and you crack the same 'stinkin badges' quote already played to death a dozen times on this thread...

      Well maybe to give you hope, if a loser like me can make it to these giddy heights of Bronze Star, surely the most precious metal, and monopolise a thread, maybe you will aim for something better to do with your last night of freedom. I recommend prostitutes and cocaine if you can afford them, they sound nice. Unfortunately I have no beer left and only you. Or fortunately, maybe.

      Hints: don't drop all your boasts in the one post; for example, in my last salaried role my first call for MS tech support was an MS VP.

      Hints: and then immediately follow through with true self-depreciation; I was too intimidated by his wealth ever to call him for help.

      I get a lot of up-votes not because I'm informative, up-to-date, or knowledgeable. I get a lot of up-votes because I'm a loser, I know it and revel in it, my idiocy amuses some of you and make you think how lucky you are you aren't me. It's funny because it's true. More than that though, I assume a handful of people here admire my sheer resilience so far - 'if that loser can keep joking here on his last night of freedom, maybe what I fear is survivable'. Fluctuat nec mergitur, tossed by the waves and not sunk yet, soon to be tossed by other prisoners though and not looking forward to that.

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      And I'm supposed to care - why?

      You're not 'supposed' to - it's your decision whether you care or not. You choose to post a comment of +170 words. Looks to me like you do care after all. ('Caring' goes both ways.)

      On a related note:

      Allison: Professor King is a nobel laureate and noted astrophysicist.

      Jack: Wow. Um, well, I'm captain of my division softball team.

  53. This post has been deleted by its author

  54. jonfr

    Bade system, upvotes, aliens?

    While I don't know or care what this person did go in jail for. I hope just for minor offence, anything more serious would be awful, since it made the news.

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