back to article Drug-smuggling granny's vagina holds Kinder surprise

A 73-year-old Spanish woman has avoided jail for a failed attempt to smuggle drugs to her incarcerated son by hiding them inside a Kinder egg plastic podule, wrapping that in a condom and inserting the contraband into her vagina. The septuagenarian mule visited Fontcalent prison in Alicante on 1 July 2013, with the intention …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So my thoughts about a dildo bomb aren't so far-fetched. They must've threatened a complete strip search to make her surrender like this (as that would be the only way you'd find it).

  2. x 7

    I always thought that Kinder Egg chocolate tasted horrible and had a funny texture and mouthfeel. I guess it must be due to the KY Jelly coating

    1. Khaptain Silver badge

      Was it, by any chance, your GrandMother that gave you those eggs ?

      1. Martin Summers Silver badge

        "Was it, by any chance, your GrandMother that gave you those eggs ?"

        Presumably after she was taught to suck them too.

    2. Turtle

      @x 7

      "I guess it must be due to the KY Jelly coating"

      Yes. And it helps make this a Kinder gentler world.

  3. Craig 2

    "Drug-smuggling granny's vagina holds Kinder surprise"

    What were the odds those 7 words could be combined to make a sentence....

    Rest of the world: 1 in a billion

    On El Reg: Pretty much evens.

    1. AbelSoul
      Trollface

      Re: What were the odds those 7 words could be combined

      OTOH, El Reg missed a golden opportunity to rhyme granny with fanny.

      1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

        Re: Re: What were the odds those 7 words could be combined

        Well, that'd work in Blighty but not in the US of A, so...

        1. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
          Childcatcher

          Re: What were the odds those 7 words could be combined

          Well, that'd work in Blighty but not in the US of A, so...

          It would work differently, at any rate.

          Learn something new every day...

          1. Dadmin
            Coat

            Re: What were the odds those 7 words could be combined

            No, it works just fine over here, we watch Doctor Who and everything! Even 6 year old Top Gear reruns. We're good to go! Doesn't the saying go; "Bob's your uncle, Granny's got contraband in her fanny?"

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Re: What were the odds those 7 words could be combined

          Kinder eggs are banned in US, they are one of the more popular items seized at the Canadian border

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re:Kinder eggs are banned in US

            Now we know why.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: What were the odds those 7 words could be combined

            "Kinder eggs are banned in US, they are one of the more popular items seized at the Canadian border"

            They're banned for the same reason those "mini-gel" fruit gel cups are banned: they're a serious choking risk.

            1. Old Handle

              Choking Risk

              Except they're not. The ban is on any food item with an inedible part embedded in it (unless it's functional like a popsicle stick). Obviously that could be dangerous in some cases, but no one is going to try and eat a Kinder Egg whole so it really isn't a problem. I understand a few children have choked on the toys after taking them out of the egg, which is tragic, but don't make them any more dangerous than other small toys.

              Regardless you can buy them here fairly easily. I don't know how they're smuggled in... and after reading this story I'm not sure I want to.

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: What were the odds those 7 words could be combined

          Well, that'd work in Blighty but not in the US of A, so...

          ...so tough shit, perhaps?

          You have failed in your duty as an educator, a purveyor of the Queen's English* to the fat drawling colonials.

          * It is possible that she doesn't use quite the same "reach" of language as the Reg, but that's merely because of her regal status. Behind closed doors, I do hope when inducting Corbyn as a Privy Councillor she took the opportunity to remind him that he's an unalloyed c*nt.

        4. Vic

          Re: What were the odds those 7 words could be combined

          Well, that'd work in Blighty but not in the US of A

          You say that as if it were a problem...

          Vic.

        5. David Roberts Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: What were the odds those 7 words could be combined

          How about "front fanny" for global clarity?

        6. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: What were the odds those 7 words could be combined

          "Well, that'd work in Blighty but not in the US of A, so..."

          And the problem with that is??

          I mean, i do notice the URL here ending in UK.

  4. Alex Walsh

    Something smells fishy

    I wonder why she 'fessed up with the stash so well hidden...

    1. Your alien overlord - fear me

      Re: Something smells fishy

      Ask your missus (or any female co-worker!!!) to shove one up their special place and walk around. See if her gait is somewhat pronounced!!!

      1. Pascal Monett Silver badge
        Devil

        Ah !

        A man of experience, I see !

      2. Martin Summers Silver badge

        Re: Something smells fishy

        It'd be a brave man who asked his Mrs to do that let alone a work colleague, it wouldn't be their gait that was pronounced afterwards.

        1. Eddy Ito Silver badge

          Re: Something smells fishy

          Yet it seems the guy in prison asked his mum. He must have know she wasn't just going to tuck it all in her handbag and waltz in with it.

      3. Cynic_999 Silver badge

        Re: Something smells fishy

        "

        Ask your missus (or any female co-worker!!!) to shove one up their special place and walk around. See if her gait is somewhat pronounced!!!

        "

        Why should it be? ISTM that the container is no bigger than the size a tampon swells to. In fact, had she attached a string and wad of cotton-wool to it, it is unlikely that anyone conducting a strip-search would have looked any ... um ... deeper, and she would have got away with it.

        The ceramic egg-shaped things that some women insert and walk around with to strengthen their pelvic floor following childbirth are also bigger and heavier than a Kinder surprise.

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

          1. e^iπ+1=0

            Re: Something smells fishy

            @999 I'm pretty sure 72 year old grannies don't suffer from 'The Curse'.

            HRT says otherwise.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Something smells fishy

          Am I the only reader pronouncing Kinder with a long 'i'? I keep wondering what a kinder suprise is?

      4. John Tserkezis

        Re: Something smells fishy

        "Ask your missus (or any female co-worker!!!) to shove one up their special place and walk around."

        I take it you're single now?

  5. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coat

    the mind boggles

    I can't help following the path of what if? What if she got in with the payload, where would she "lay" the golden egg? And in what company? I'll stop now.

    1. Cynic_999 Silver badge

      Re: the mind boggles

      "

      ... where would she "lay" the golden egg?

      "

      Maybe she would have taken a toilet-break during the visit, though with suitable clothing (and no knickers) it's also possible it could have been retrieved under the table without being noticed.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Anyone who watches the late night "cops with cameras" type shows knows that the Kinder Surprise is the canister of choice for people who want to conceal drugs. They feature in pretty much every episode.

    It's the only reason people buy them. The "chocolate" is horrid and the toys are crap.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Now those can't be the reasons why they're banned in the US is it? Horrid chocolate... we have that. Crap toys... we have that. Oh... smuggling drugs... may be it.

      1. chivo243 Silver badge
        Childcatcher

        Living in The Netherlands, home of the kinder egg?, I know that it is the crap toys causing the ban. They are small and therefore a choking hazard...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          The Netherlands? According to Wikipedia, the parent company (Ferrero, of Nutella fame and Ferrero Rocher infamy) is Italian, but the product was originally developed by their German division, which explains why I keep thinking of it as German. (That, and the fact they plaster Aryan brats over their products).

          Not sure where the Netherlands comes into it, though?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm surprised they didn't find any crack.

    1. AC Wilson

      I'm surprised..,

      They would have to looked past the box. Or, been thinking outside of same.

    2. AC Wilson

      I'm surprised..,

      They would have to think outside the box.

  8. x 7

    amusing scene once at the Islamic computer company near Blackburn and Burnley.....

    there was a certain fit brunette lady who worked as a liaison between marketing and repairs. One hot sticky summer day as she walked up the steps to the mezzanine where the service centre managers lived she managed to lose / eject both her metal love eggs......which bounced and clanged down the metal steps. She simply picked them up as if nothing had happened and carried on talking.........

    Last heard of working in a sex dungeon in Blackpool

    1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      "Last heard of working in a sex dungeon in Blackpool"

      You or the lady?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Are you sure that she wasn't actually a hen in disguise? There's a lot of prejudice against avians in the workplace and even today many will try to cover it up.

      It's often very difficult to maintain the work-life-need-to-lay-an-egg balance, and sometimes when an egg's got to come out, it's got to come out.

  9. asdf Silver badge

    hmm

    Lets see, 73 and bringing drugs to your son in prison. There is a family line to be proud of. Not everybody poor is there by choice but the shit sure floats to the bottom (and sadly sometimes to the top as well).

    1. JetSetJim Silver badge

      Re: hmm

      ...unless it was perhaps to help the relative inmate pay of a debt so as not to be raped/beaten/killed

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: hmm

        >...unless it was perhaps to help the relative inmate pay of a debt so as not to be raped/beaten/killed

        If your mom is 73 and you are in jail you are a fsckup. If you ask your 73 yo mom for this contraband you are a double fsckup. Having mommy do it sure helped pay off the debt huh? Southern Europe where mommy is next to God (and a significant portion of the population are mommies boys) but your spouse is for beating on.

        1. JetSetJim Silver badge
          FAIL

          Re: hmm

          > If your mom is 73 and you are in jail you are a fsckup

          Yeah, cos no-one is mistakenly jailed for crimes they didn't commit, and there is no link between poverty and crime

          1. asdf Silver badge

            Re: hmm

            Ok I will perhaps grant you on the first part but having your mom smuggle in contraband invalidates any doubt.

  10. Martin Summers Silver badge

    Well it certainly put the surprise back into Kinder surprise.

  11. MiguelC Silver badge

    IT angle

    I'm sure someone could hatch something about plugging the security hole, but it just won't be me....

  12. ratfox Silver badge
    Devil

    Lucky for her it wasn't in the US!

    She'd have gotten 2 years more for bringing a Kinder surprise in the country.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Nooooooo !

    thanks reg, it's going to take me weeks to get over this mental image.

    1. Khaptain Silver badge

      Think yourself lucky that it wasn't the GrandFather...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Noooooooo

        Months now

    2. Montreal Sean

      Re: Nooooooo!

      How am I supposed to give Kinder eggs to my kids now?

      They love those eggs.

  14. VinceH Silver badge

    Optional

    Alicante, huh? Does she by any chance live in Benidorm, and is her name Vicky?

    And should I have gone all AC to ask that?

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Optional

      Ah Benidorm! One of the few places in Spain where the locals speak English with a Brummy accent.

  15. cs94njw

    So the plan worked! She got into prison, and the rest of the drugs she'd stashed up her ass, she managed to deliver.

  16. x 7

    just a little Kinder Egg? Thats nothing. This girl managed a pound of crack up her crack

    http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/458087/Drug-smuggler-hospitalised-heroin-stash-vagina

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