back to article WATERPROOF iPhone 6Ss? Old news. Check out the OTHER 7 SECRET FEATURES

We here at the Reg, as all our readers know, subscribe completely to the idea that people need a continual stream of iPhone related news-style content. We were especially impressed by the idea that the new iPhone 6S and 6S Plus might be "secretly waterproof". Some curmudgeons might suggest that this is merely a standard …

  1. Knewbie
    Coat

    Making calls

    Making Calls : Unsassuming function that is used maybe 1% of the time...

    Otherwise I have the following :

    Hand Warmer - launch a nice pretty intensive app and chug the phone in your pocket

    Scoliosis Inducer : just look at the bent heads around you..

    Germs Cultivation : you use your phone in the toilets ? I hope you wiped it, too...

    Entropy Generator : the document you asked me for ? I received this Puppy video, look at how nice it is...

    Magic Money Creator : when the guy with no office coffee/tea money gets an iphone, and you wonder..

    Mine is the one with a grand burning a hole in the pocket, off to the Apple Store ^^

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Making calls

      >"Entropy Generator..."

      You mean "Entropy Enhancer." True generation occurs at the point of sale...

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I heard the secret feature only activates if you hold it a certain way.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Somewhere someone is sat stroking their new iPhone unable to comprehend sarcasm or humour.

      I doth my hat to you sir.

      1. dotdavid
        Headmaster

        Methinks the AC doth doff too much

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      >"I heard the secret feature only activates if you hold it a certain way."

      Maybe it has a bendomometer for that...

  3. Andy Non
    Joke

    iHelp!

    iCan't swim!

  4. Delbert
    Holmes

    No mention of the "tipping point" function which advises Cupertino when over 58% of their target market has purchased a unit and connected, this triggers a "new model press release" automatically.

  5. Bob Wheeler
    Unhappy

    :(

    How come with these polls, I only pick one or two of the top answers... 2/7 this time.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: :(

      You're excessively average.

  6. Bill M

    Do the new iPhones have a SECRET heater function?

    Left mine charging and in the sun yesterday, it's black.

    It rang and was so hot I couldn't pick it up for fear of blistering my hand due its hotness.

    That when its hands free speaker phone really comes in handy.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Monday, Cartoon Steve arrived in work with his arm in a sling

    Me - OMG Steve what happened.

    Steve - I bought the new iPhone, pretty much the heaviest in the world, one cant be too careful.

    There is no warranty on my near 200 grams worth of joke either.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    NFZD chip

    Near field Zombie Detection. Those guys think of everything! Sadly the app is still in development.

    1. hplasm Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: NFZD chip

      "Sadly the app is still in development."

      It keeps going off every time the user comes near to the iPhone...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: NFZD chip

      Wouldn't FFZD be a lot more useful? Oh well, baby steps...

  9. Captain DaFt

    Missing heater option:

    Perfect for brewing a cuppa.

  10. Dr Scrum Master

    No nail brush feature by the looks of things...

  11. Louis Schreurs BEng
    Unhappy

    RADAR, GAYDAR, ......

    The most secret hardware sensor is the NF and FF iPhone user detector. App for using this detector sits in the users brain. iS unlocked by BUYiNG SOMETHiNG.

    The hardawre and software combo goes by the name of iDAR.

  12. chivo243 Silver badge
    Windows

    Dead Kennedy's

    It's Jello Biafra, not yellow.... Damn kids these days can't get anything right.

  13. GitMeMyShootinIrons

    But.....

    Does it have an Infinite Improbability Drive?

    1. Martin Budden Bronze badge
      Coat

      Re: But.....

      Probably.

      Oh no, not again...

  14. cortland

    Picture

    Looks like ... sardines!

  15. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Joke

    It has a NFC mind control interface too.

    Unfortunately the range is so short, hipsters have to sit on it to get it close enough to their brain cell to operate. The upside is that the solar charger gets huge amount of virtual sunshine in that position.

  16. Alistair Silver badge
    Pint

    These polls reveal something important.

    That the vast majority of us commentards are sick, twisted individuals.

    Have a beer to celebrate.

  17. Alan Denman

    sales booster

    Yes, I read that someone tested theirs in water heirs with success.

    Someone else tried and the phone is a complete write off.

    So you're deep in the soup there, but whatever, it might just supe up sales.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fanbois control

    That's all.

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