back to article NASA announcement of MAJOR MARS DISCOVERY imminent: WHAT can it be?

The clock is counting down to NASA's imminent announcement as to just what the "major" discovery it has made on Mars could be. But there's still time left for us here at the Register to run one of our AI neural network bigdata analytics crowdsauce investigations, which should infallibly furnish the answer well beforehand. We …

  1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

    I wish it was option one

    Most likely it will be the moist option. While we are moving towards the Elon Musk option, we are still not there yet. In any case, knowing him, we are more likely to find his base on an asteroid - something that makes both economical and technical sense. Bases on Mars and Moon are politico's dreams. Any sane engineer will chose something with a shallower gravity well as their first off-Earth base.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I wish it was option one

      Let’s hope this “announcement” is vetted better than NASA’s 1996 ALH84001 meteorite claim of microscopic evidence of Mars bacteria, that is believed by the Scientific Community to be bogus. Or vetted better than NASA’s 2010 claim to have discovered a bacterium in Mono Lake that used arsenic in place of phosphorus in it’s biochemistry, only the authors of the paper (Wolfe-Simon, et al, Science 332, 1163-1166 (2010), DOI: 10.1126/science.1197258) misanalysed their own data. A careful analysis of the data presented in said paper didn’t support the authors conclusions and the paper is now cited as an example of sloppy work and over hyped claims.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I wish it was option one

      we are more likely to find his base on an asteroid

      YES! However, the asteroid base price will have to be slightly upped to add Ominous Music. Without Ominous Music it cannot be a real asteroid base, can it?

  2. chivo243 Silver badge
    Meh

    It can't be that special

    There would have already have been a leak of the Special stuff if it was special.

    1. Darryl

      Re: It can't be that special

      I hate it when the special stuff leaks

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lord Lucan riding Shergar naked. I can't see it being anything else really.

    1. CaptainHook

      I think Shergar was always pretty close to naked, so I don't think that would be very surprising

  4. AndrueC Silver badge
    Happy

    Option one would be awesome..and more than a little scary. Sadly I think the most we can expect is moist dirt :-/

  5. Marc 25

    You're all wrong. Mars is going to collide with the Earth on a week next Tuesday (Matt Damon told me). It's gonna be one big game of intergalactic snooker.

    Cue the Doug Wood Band

    1. Bc1609

      Re: Have you heard?

      It's in the stars: next July we collide with Mars.

      Well, did you ever?

      1. Hairless Biker

        Re: Have you heard?

        What a swell party this is...

    2. scrubber
      Mushroom

      Re: Mars is going to collide with the Earth on a week next Tuesday

      Dear Mars,

      See you next Tuesday.

  6. Forget It

    Huge in the dense grey ten together

    Megalith-still. They breathed, making no move,

    With draped manes and tilted hind-hooves,

    Making no sound.

    I passed: not one snorted or jerked its head.

    Grey silent fragments

    Of a grey still world.

    http://www.jeanettewinterson.com/poem/the-horses/

    1. Gordon 10 Silver badge
      Alien

      am I the only one who read the first line

      and thought it was about Alien Greys?

  7. John Miles
    Joke

    My Guess

    Captain Black was believe killed

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: My Guess

      Or something directing us to Pluto, where New Horizons found our relay to the rest of Council space.

  8. Khaptain Silver badge

    David Miscavige rejoice

    Dear Mr Miscavige,

    I doubt very much that you will believe this but we have found Xenu..

    L.R.H....

    PS : I watched the HBO "Going Clear" report yesterday.....very interesting understanding how these scams work.

  9. Richard Wharram

    A conjoiner drive

    Obviously.

    1. Gordon 10 Silver badge

      Re: A conjoiner drive

      and where there are Conjoiner drives the Wolves are sure to follow.

    2. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Re: A conjoiner drive

      That's fine provided that there are no cache weapons. Last thing we want is more doomsday devices.

      1. Doctor_Wibble

        Re: A conjoiner drive

        Cache weapons? So we just throw money at them? Does that work?

  10. You Are Not Free

    I for one...

    Welcome our moderately moist dirt overlords, even if they are now no longer moist and just dirt and have been for a billion years.

  11. Roger Kynaston
    Pint

    Jabberwock

    They hast found and slain the Jabberwock!

    Beer because I had a lot over the weekend but still need more.

  12. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Big Brother

    while

    I've voted for Elon Musk, I suspect it will be the moist dead soil may have had life in it 300 billion years ago.

    Option 1 (if it occoured) would never ever be made public along with all the other advanced life options because the world government, including the illumanti, masons, the guys that staged 9-11 and faked the moon landing would never allow us mere mortals to have such knowledge*

    we can always hope though

    *Statistical hint : If you add up the number of people involved with all the various conspiracies, there is no way any of them could be kept secret and what you have, if you believe in them, is paranoia

    Ps dont bother turning off your computer, we can still watch you through it when its un-powered

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: while

      Obligatory conspiracy theory link:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6MOnehCOUw

    2. Craigness

      Re: while

      "If you add up the number of people involved with all the various conspiracies, there is no way any of them could be kept secret and what you have, if you believe in them, is paranoia"

      They've not been kept secret; people still don't believe them.

  13. Ragequit
    Devil

    They've...

    Grown some potatoes in some mildly moist dirt.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's a monolith, they also found one on earth with instructions not to touch uranus.

    1. Richard Wharram

      Well, certainly not before meals.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      > It's a monolith, they also found one on earth with instructions not to touch uranus.

      As long as you wash your hands properly afterwards...

  15. gregthecanuck

    A sonic screwdriver...

    1. AdamT

      Well, you're out of date! Sadly, it's sonic sunglasses these days...

      1. gregthecanuck

        Think about it. What do you use to repair said sunglasses?

        1. John Bailey

          "Think about it. What do you use to repair said sunglasses?"

          Sellotape.

  16. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

    They lied about Curiosity's emissions

    And they'll be spending the next 50 years' budget on the EPA-mandated recall?

  17. Slacker@work

    Options 9 and 10...

    Same thing isn't it?

  18. Your alien overlord - fear me

    Doesn't anyone watch the Sky 1 previews? "You,me and the apocalypse" is a fact based fly on the wall documentary and NASA is going to break the bad news that all these doomsday preppers will die with the rest of us.

    1. Khaptain Silver badge

      "these doomsday preppers will die with the rest of us."

      Thay can't die they are prepared for all possible outcomes whether they may be : Zombie Rampage, Alien Infestation or worse Mark Zuckerberg becoming King of the World.....

  19. cortland

    Alien or not, they're all the same

    May I see your licence, sir?

  20. Graham Marsden
    Alien

    O O

    This is the voice of the Mysterons... We know that you can hear us!

    1. chemnerd

      Re: O O

      Spectrum is green!

  21. Esme

    @Graham Marsden

    (busy listening to classic Goth rock via earphones) .. pulls one earphone out..

    Eh? What? Did somebody say something? No? (shrugs, puts earphone back in, spots light circles dancing about)

    Cool, disco lights! (switches tracks to 'Ride on Time', deposits handbag on the floor, revisits disco-dolly days..)

  22. This post has been deleted by its author

  23. Anonymous John

    Running water.

    Not geological ages ago, but right now.

    1. Anonymous John

      Re: Running water.

      Told you so.

  24. Hairless Biker

    BEAGLE II!!!

    See above

    1. scrubber
      Childcatcher

      Re: BEAGLE II!!!

      I'm hoping for Beagle 3 - that would really put the Schrodinger's cat among the causality pigeons.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: BEAGLE II!!!

        what you, mean they found beagle 3... or even 4?! Gosh, time travel is proven then, hurray!

  25. Mycho Silver badge

    Alternatively

    They've found Beagle 2.

    1. Hairless Biker

      Re: Alternatively

      Alright, Mycho, own up! Who got there first, me or you?

      1. Mycho Silver badge

        Re: Alternatively

        We may never know,

    2. Aled Balloon

      Re: Alternatively

      The announcement is "Robot Wars from Mars - Beagle 2 vs Curiosity"

  26. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Rock n Roll?

    Come on - where's the poll option for "A rock"?

    OK so a fossil is close, but there should be a smeggin' rock in there somewhere.

    1. stucs201

      Re: Rock n Roll?

      The dirt options are just a rock ground up into lots of really tiny powdered rocks.

      (Which reminds me of my galactic astronomy lecturer's assertion that planets were 'just big dust'.)

  27. Someonehasusedthathandle

    They have discovered a strange nuclear powered tank thingy with strange arms and holes in it's tyres.

    Originally they thought it was just curiosity taking a selfie.

    Curiouser and curiouser!!!

  28. Harry the Bastard

    no option for provocatively moist aliens?

    ...bearing a striking resemblance to anne francis* in forbidden planet, on a mission to teach us their advanced techniques of interspecies lurve and general happiness

    *leslie nielsens and other alternate moist aliens are also available as required etc.

  29. Zwak7
    Alien

    Mosquitos

    Mosquitos: those fuckers serve no purpose on this planet, so must have come from another one on some crazy meteor joyride!

  30. Sceptic Tank
    Go

    99 red balloons go by.

  31. Daniel Hall
    Alien

    58!!

    To the 58 of you at the time of writing that chose the top option, I'm guessing that you are either:

    A: American

    B: Just stupidly optimistic

    or

    C: Taking the p*ss

    1. John 110

      Re: 58!!

      OOh another poll!!

      B. Stupidly optimistic

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 58!!

      American or Stupid? A little of column A, a little of column B.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They've found the source of Mars Bars

  33. Yugguy

    It's either aliens, or the Liberal's chances of ever getting any real power.

  34. John Deeb

    Ocean 1001001

    Most likely, it's about the presence of an underground water reservoir, being the remnants of an ancient ocean. Large enough to cause some form of water cycle: evaporation, condensation, season based accumulation, leaking back a slope (equivalent of rain on Mars), accumulation, evaporation.... There are terrestrial equivalences.

    Please come back to upvote me if this is accurate enough :)

    1. Anonymous Coward 101

      Re: Ocean 1001001

      That is borderline interesting - so it won't be that. NASA hype the shit out of everything.

  35. Dr. G. Freeman

    They've finally found intelligent life....

    on Earth.

    1. WylieCoyoteUK

      That will be a first.....

      Maybe they found the ANY key

    2. Your alien overlord - fear me

      They've finally found intelligent life....

      in America

  36. Somerset John

    Obviously.....

    They found a Galactic Council planning department advisory on a new bypass, in a toilet, in a basement, surrounded by large felines.

    Demolition starts Tuesday.

  37. Laura Kerr

    You're all wrong...

    ... they've found the BFG9000! Oh, yes.

  38. chemnerd

    A reason to play Also Sprach Zarathustra ?

  39. ColinSBarnes

    Elvis!

    He's been hiding there all this time. :-)

  40. VinceH Silver badge

    They definitely haven't found my secret underground base on Mars.

    I haven't built it yet.

  41. The_Idiot

    Oh bugger. Mom? We're going to have to move the base. Sigh...

    "There’s something you should know about the people Mom works for. They don’t exist.

    I mean they really, really don’t exist. Really-really, like in ‘click your heels three times before you go to sleep and tell yourself they don’t exist’ don’t exist. The ruby shoes-day thing is optional. Because if they ever think you think they do exist, the red isn’t going to be your slippers. It’s going to be your you. It’s going to be your you while you bleed out and someone like Mom makes sure they were never there to start you bleeding. And there’s something else to know about them. Apart from them not existing, I mean. Because while they’re real busy not existing, they’re everywhere. Like, when the first rocket lands on Mars, someone in a little Martian office with lousy Martian coffee and great phone lines is going to be watching and phoning home. Probably while they keep a laser sight on some dumb astronaut’s ass."

  42. introdium

    a mars bar wrapper???

  43. WylieCoyoteUK

    A signature

    Slartibartfarst's, perhaps, although he was best at doing fjords.....

    1. Esme

      Re: A signature

      I hear tell Noctis Labyrinthus was one of his, too.

  44. Mycho Silver badge

    They discovered that Volkwagen engines are more efficient on mars.

  45. mix
    Angel

    God?

    They've found a rock with "Jesus was here." scratched into the surface.

  46. Lostintranslation

    They've found flowing water according to The Independent.

    *Turns over and goes back to sleep...*

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/nasa-mars-mystery-press-conference-likely-to-announce-that-dark-streaks-on-mars-are-flowing-water-a6670326.html

  47. Mtech25
    Alien

    How i suspect it will go

    Nasa Speaker :HI All the good news is that Nasa have found an advanced civilization willing to share all its technology with us, the bad news is Nasa is now in charge

    (Nasa speaker laugh manically and pushes a button which send an energy beam at the US congress vaporizing it) .

    Nasa Speaker: lets seem them cut our funding now!

    1. James O'Shea Silver badge

      Re: How i suspect it will go

      So... there's no downside to this, eh?

    2. stucs201

      Re: the bad news is Nasa is now in charge

      I'm not so sure that would be bad news...

  48. JakHaxz

    They found plans that Earth is to be demolished by an alien construction crew, to make way for a new hyperspace motorway.

  49. Anonymous Blowhard

    The poll seems to be missing the "Hot Martian Princess" option:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dejah_Thoris

  50. arctic_haze Silver badge
    Alien

    The conference will be cancelled

    They discovered a Jedi Master on Mars, who told them: "These aren't the discoveries you are looking for".

  51. IsJustabloke Silver badge
    Mushroom

    come on...

    we've all seen the documentary "Iron Sky"

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    amanfrommars .....

  53. Shaun 2

    Mark Watney's corpse.

    Or potatoes.

  54. Bernard M. Orwell Silver badge
    Boffin

    Mars? Surely you mean Duna?

    They've found the Kraken!

    KASA to send Jeb, Bill and Bob on an immediate survey mission.

    Moar struts and boosters are rumoured to have been ordered!

  55. DrGoon

    It's liquid water

    Presence of Lujendra Ojha of Georgia Institute of Technology and Alfred McEwen of HiRISE camera on the panel somewhat gives the game away.

  56. Evil Graham

    My guess...

    A bored NASA operator on night shift used the rover's arm to write "I wish my alien was as moist and dirty as this" in the Martian soil.

    Next day, NASA checked the video and underneath it was written "She is".

  57. Stephen Newman

    The chances of anything being on Mars, are a million to one?

    My money's on someone's towel.

    Steve.

  58. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one.

    BUT STILL THEY COME!!

  59. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just want to make sure we've covered...

    Clangers and/or Soup Dragons, obviously

  60. arctic_haze Silver badge
    IT Angle

    Nasa's Flash usage

    The conference will be transmitted in... Adobe Flash. Is HTML5 more difficult than rocket science?

  61. Your alien overlord - fear me

    How about an option for moist, dirt(y) aliens ?

  62. Haku

    They found a Quagaar space ship*

    *smegging garbage pod

  63. Archie Woodnuts

    Ack! Ack ack ack! Ack ack ack ack ack! AAAAAAaaaaaaacck!

    *spins up a copy of Indian Love Call*

    1. ecarlseen

      You win best response.

      1. Archie Woodnuts
  64. ecarlseen

    I'm heartened...

    ... judging by the results, I can see that El Reg's readers have mastered the art of decrypting NASA's PR / Trolling for Funding comms....

  65. Yugguy

    ULLA!!!

    It's water, bitches!!!!

    1. Mycho Silver badge

      Re: ULLA!!!

      Actually it's formerly wet dirt. Maybe it was wet very recently but they've not actually found water.

      I predict a new mission entirely to camp an area likely to get wet and ping NASA central if it does.

  66. Drudgery Leak

    Fresh bugalow crap.

    1. Mycho Silver badge

      I thought Starbucks already offered that.

  67. Bob Dole (tm)
    Facepalm

    Obvious

    It's obvious this "mars" announcement is really just a hollywood promotion for The Martian movie.

  68. Marvin O'Gravel Balloon Face

    Hopefully they've found a way of allowing upvotes on comments without needing to do a full page reload.

  69. onceuponatime
    Joke

    manager: "Hey guys, budget meeting is coming up. I need something to convince congress we need more money."

    <wavey lines>

    Scientist: "Hey manager, we found something."

    Manager: "What did you find?"

    Scientist: "More dirt, lets make a press conference."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  70. Lusty Silver badge

    Water

    We've got loads of water on earth! If you're going to look for something make it something we're short of, like helium, or whales. Wet rocks we've got, and nobody is even using the wet rocks we have other than the seals, and they are really only using a small proportion of the wet rocks...

    1. Filippo

      Re: Water

      Any desert dweller would beg to differ. The location of a resource is important. It can change the value of the resource dramatically. When the location is extreme, the change in value can be equally extreme.

  71. Craigness

    Sexy shirts

    Who cares about the groundbreaking scientific discovery, what's important is will the announcer's shirt will be sexist and ostracising.

  72. John 209

    Guess what?

    We ran out of money this weekend, but we've established a crowd-fund, and as soon as it reaches $1B or so, we'll be able to present our data.

  73. A13C

    Just like another day at the office

    I know it'll amount to nothing yet I still hope for something.

    Primed for disappointment.

  74. hatti

    Little green men who hate country and western

    We come in peace, we are your friends.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Little green men who hate country and western

      Yippee Ka-Yay, motherfucker!

  75. jrwc

    NASA "We have known for years there was water on Mars, but now we have discovered this mysterious molecule H2O. We are well on are way of proving life on other planets so send us tens or hundreds of billions of dollars to prove extra terrestrial life, and don't forget,we are into discovering more harmful things about that poison Carbon Dioxide."

  76. herne9

    Sorry I missed the survey. Wonder why Elvis wasn't one of the possible choices...

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