back to article US Catholic Church launches app for Jesus-phone

Devout followers of the non-holy trinity of Cook, Ive and the holy ghost of Jobs will be delighted to learn that the US branch of the global franchise known as the Catholic Church has introduced its first mobile app ... and also available on Android devices. USA Catholic Church gives latest news on where the Pope is, what he’s …

  1. Jim 59

    That would be an ecumenical matter.

    1. hatti
  2. Fortycoats
    Angel

    Will it censor "unsuitable" content on your device?

    Instead of NSFW content, you'll get notices like "Careful now" or "Down with that sort of thing".

    1. Otto is a bear.

      Re: Will it censor "unsuitable" content on your device?

      "How does that work then, Ted"

      1. AbelSoul

        Re: "How does that work then, Ted"

        These are small, those are far away.

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Will it censor "unsuitable" content on your device?

      Nah, it just tells to you to do 10 "Hail Mary's" and 5 "Our Father's" and that when done, all will be well.

  3. smartypants

    There's the lock screen widget too...

    It has two lights labelled 'dogma' and 'ignorance'* which start off green to signify that your faith is safe.

    The widget then monitors your reading habits and will warn you with red lights if you start to stray to the path of Satan.

    (*Jacob Bronowski originally identified these two requirements)

  4. Alister Silver badge

    with homilies such as “A Christian who is attached to riches has lost his way” and “Scientific and technological progress cannot be equated with the progress of humanity and history”.

    Hmm, both those could be taken as a dig at Apple worshippers...

    1. Fraggle850

      Homilies

      “Scientific and technological progress cannot be equated with the progress of humanity and history”

      WTF does that even mean? Is he still getting his intel from burning bushes or voices in his head? The former is a subset of the latter, albeit a fairly significant one, so equivalence comparisons are meaninglessness. How about:

      "Science and technology are a reasonable proxy for measuring the progress of humanity and history in most circumstances*"

      *unlike that ancient collection of fairy stories that I'm obliged to keep banging on about

      There you go your holiness, FTFY.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Homilies

        > “Scientific and technological progress cannot be equated with the progress of humanity and history”

        I think that a lot of people out there conflate "science" (as the sceptical pursuit of knowledge and understanding, and a well defined method to achieve it) and "technology".

        The two are related but it is reasonable to investigate both the metaphysical claims of religion and moral/ethical issues with reasoned thought. Isn't that what philosophy is all about?

        1. Dan 55 Silver badge

          Re: Homilies

          Well there was the Renaissance and the Enlightenment but IIRC the ever forward-thinking Catholic Church had problems with those too.

    2. channel extended
      Gimp

      Alister.

      As well the terms 'dogma' and 'ignorance'.

  5. Chris G Silver badge

    Forgive me

    For I have sinned. I have plucked the fruit of the tree of knowlege!

    Confessions by Android next? If it comes down to a glass of wine and a sandwich, I'm in.

  6. Slacker@work

    Please, please, please...

    somebody hack this app so it plays "every sperm is sacred" as a notification sound

  7. Warm Braw Silver badge

    A Christian who is attached to riches has lost his way

    I wonder if St. Anthony of the Middle East is a subscriber?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      IT Angle

      Re: A Christian who is attached to riches has lost his way

      would a hermit have such a thing? Could he then be called a hermit?

  8. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Trollface

    Could anyone tell me why would I want to download the Catholic Church app if I'm not interested in baby stealing or kiddie fiddlers?

    1. Slacker@work
      Coat

      nuns maybe? those wimples can be quite alluring.... even habit forming

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Yes, because that is what 1,200,000,000 human beings are in it for. Idiot.

        1. phil 27
          FAIL

          *whoosh noise at icon*

        2. smartypants

          I'm on of those millions of catholics too!

          Yes, I truly am one of 'the faithful' when it comes to counting catholics. I haven't formally renounced my religion. I'm not even sure how you go about it. But what's the point?

          (Looks down at phone. I have two red lights. I am going to burn in HELL argghghgh!)

  9. hi_robb

    Hmm

    Does it have a pope up blocker?

    /gets dragged off stage left shouting "HAVE A NICE DEITY."

  10. JimmyPage Silver badge

    English, Spanish

    not Latin ?

  11. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge

    Or as Betty Bowers (Americas best Christian) said...

    Imposes religion on self : 0%

    Imposes religion on others : 100%

  12. Mephistro Silver badge
    Angel

    So this app. is like a pinterest group focused on the Pope?

    With photos of what's about to eat, and the people he meets, and...

    Dear Catholic Church:

    Whatever floats your boat, but I want to warn you that this app will promote several uncommon paraphilias among your sheep*.

    Yours Truly Etc. Etc. .

    * mmhhh, sheep...

  13. Michael Habel Silver badge

    Satya Nadella the patron saint of cloudy things

    Saint or sinner?!

    Or just a false prophet?

    1. Fraggle850

      Re: Satya Nadella the patron saint of cloudy things

      Nah, Ballmer was the one with all the false profits, that's why he became a martyr. I gather he's since fallen out of favour with the Lord God Gates...

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Changes will be needed ......

    I notice that the function keys have been renamed commandment keys, and that there are only 10 of them.

  15. Simon Rockman

    I think there is..

    A special version for tablets..

  16. Jagged

    "Wouldn't reading the Bible cover to cover also help with that?"

    Oh dear no. Don't want people making their own interpretation. This is why we have the Pope and Canonical Law.

    Whatever next? The Bible in English?

    1. Fraggle850

      Re: "Wouldn't reading the Bible cover to cover also help with that?"

      Did you watch that BBC4 documentary last night too?

      1. Jagged

        Re: "Wouldn't reading the Bible cover to cover also help with that?"

        Good, wasn't it :)

        1. Fraggle850

          Re: "Wouldn't reading the Bible cover to cover also help with that?"

          Indeed, and quite instructive in the shenanigans of religion.

          I was brought up on this nonsense but fortunately had enough about me to deprogram myself. It's still within living memory (my father's) that the Catholic mass was only ever conducted in Latin and the priest used to have his back to the congregation. I gather that it took a papal edict at some point in the mid 20th century to allow the mass to be conducted in a local tongue. I gather that nuns used to punish children for writing with their left hand in school then too, sign of the devil and all that.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Unhappy

            Re: "Wouldn't reading the Bible cover to cover also help with that?"

            Not only Nuns did that, quite common in the early 20th C by many teachers

            1. Fraggle850

              Re: "Wouldn't reading the Bible cover to cover also help with that?"

              Yes, and no doubt inspired by similarly ridiculous magic-sky-fairy-based notions but I think that the nuns probably persisted in this misguided nonsense for a little longer than the secular world

              1. Jagged

                Re: "Wouldn't reading the Bible cover to cover also help with that?"

                Nuns are the reason my mother is no longer Catholic.

    2. Michael Habel Silver badge

      Re: "Wouldn't reading the Bible cover to cover also help with that?"

      I'm still waiting for the Klingon version myself...

      Inb4 someone posts an amazon link to it...

      1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
        Stop

        Re: "Wouldn't reading the Bible cover to cover also help with that?"

        What about the LOLcat version?

        http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

    3. Darryl

      Re: "Wouldn't reading the Bible cover to cover also help with that?"

      I tried reading the Bible but I kept skipping to the last page to see how it ends.

  17. hatti

    Comes with

    Bible app and pdf pre-installed.

  18. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

    Raison d'etre

    "It includes [...]the ability to make donations."

    "'Kerching!,' said Bishop Christopher Coyne, chair elect of the Committee on Communications, US Conference of Catholic Bishops, which created the app."

    FTFY

    1. JimmyPage Silver badge
      Happy

      Bishop Christopher Coyne

      Nominative determinism at work there. Or proof God *does* have a sense of humour.

      1. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

        Re: Bishop Christopher Coyne

        No personal attacks please - don't go bashing the bishop

  19. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
    Joke

    He'll never fit

    In that Pope mobile!

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As God is omnipotent does the app need permissions?

  21. fruitoftheloon
    Happy

    There's a G in Dougal

    "Where is it Ted, I can't see it"....?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Joke

      Re: There's a G in Dougal

      he spells it with 3Gs

  22. Mutton Jeff

    Wonder if they'll add "auto forgive"

    ...detecting when some scroat nicks you jPhone and forgives them, automaticaly.

  23. Zot
    Mushroom

    Is the Church Finder app called...

    ... "Scouting for Boys" ?

    Sorry.

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