back to article You tried to hide your extramarital affair … by putting it on the web?

What’s your name, chuck, and where do you come from? “My name’s William, Cilla, but my friends call me WILLY eheh heh heh and I’m from HORNY Hornsea!” (Studio audience cheers noisily for no obvious reason) And you, number two? “My name’s ROD uhuh huh huh, and I’m from uhuh huh huh SHAFTesbury.” (Studio audience …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Be honest

    You wrote all that to explain to your missus that dodgy text you got didn't you?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      And Lady Dabbs is a stickler

      She'd be livid to think of Dabbsy dallying with a txtspk trollop. "LVVR" indeed!

    2. Fraggle850

      Re: Be honest: Dabbsy is doomed

      Surely half-life wife has developed superpowers by now due to the effects of radiation. Certainly those serialized encyclopedias from Marvel would suggest that this is likely to be the case.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Be honest

      You wrote all that to explain to your missus that dodgy text you got didn't you?

      And now that it's up here for the world to see, there's no use him hiding under that hat.

    4. Martin Summers Silver badge

      Re: Be honest

      He could have replied to it and told the person they had the wrong number. Hopefully that would be followed by them replying saying something like "OMG! soz, lolz" and then HL wife would know Mr Dabbs would never have anything to do with someone who wrote text messages like that. All would be well with the Dabbs household once again.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Be honest

        "He could have replied to it and told the person they had the wrong number."

        That used to be the coded message for - "can't talk now - my wife's here".

        1. Martin Summers Silver badge

          Re: Be honest

          "That used to be the coded message for - "can't talk now - my wife's here"."

          Good point. Didn't think of that. You're screwed either way I suppose.

  2. LaeMing Silver badge

    A friend of my sister once did one of those blind-date-type shows ('Perfect Match', IIRC, on some Australian commercial channel we didn't get out in the countryside at the time.)

    For that show at least, all the contestants were preped in advance by being asked the questions before the show and giving their honest answers. Then a team of writers 'sexed up' their answers for them to use when the show was recording. So the answers given weren't entirely made-up, but were not the 'genuine' answers either.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Internet scale still defeats my intuition

    Daily I splutter "who could be so naive!? only one in a thousand could fall for that!"without reflecting that this means millions of people already on the internet

    it's a pity that the clearest example of the"long tail"in action is spasms and scams

    1. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: Internet scale still defeats my intuition

      s/clearest/only/

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Many years ago our radio club asked Granada TV for a tour round their technical facilities. What we were offered were seats for a recording of a Hughie Green show - I can't remember which format. The chance to see something behind the scenes in a studio was better than nothing - so we went along.

    I can recall only three things about the visit. Before the recording a comedian told some very blue jokes to warm up the audience. During the recording they had a man directing the audience when to applaud. The famous warm smile of the host was switched off and on in sync with the recording light.

    It was a revelation about the confections that appeared on our screens.

    1. Elmer Phud

      What did you expect?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "What did you expect?"

        It was somewhere between 1962 and 1970. In Britain we were generally still rather naive about the media industry. The "TV Times" magazine certainly didn't delve behind the scenes. Large crowds of people would visit the TV transmitters' public open days - with the vast majority disappointed that the soap "Crossroads" wasn't made at the transmitting station and they couldn't meet "Meg".

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: smile of the host was switched off and on

      No doubt the famous warm host himself was switched off just before the studio lights - being careful to observe the correct power-down sequence of course. In those days, they were wary of deactivating the containment field and releasing the nameless horror from beyond time and space. Laying waste to the planet and the eating of all of humanity's souls would have been bad for the ratings. Or so they used to think before the advent of Big Brother Bakes Celebrities on Ice. Now we are reduced to endless ranks of lidless eyeballs, staring at idiot celebrity homunculi grooming each other's verminous pelts. Meat bellows whooping into the void through gurning teeth, over and over - forever. With regular commercial breaks, of course.

      1. elDog Silver badge

        Re: smile of the host was switched off and on

        Don't know why I gave an upvote other than enjoying a mindfart at reading your prose. What world was this from?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: What world was this from?

          Your world, puny earthling.

  5. LesC
    Paris Hilton

    Theatre 625

    Nigel Kneale saw it all coming in the 1960's in 'The Live Life Show' when istr a load of contestants were shipped off to an island somewhere ...

    Paris, well it was The Year of The Sex Olympics...

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Theatre 625

      Now you're talking. A Nigel Kneale box-set - does such a thing exist? Just wondering, as it'll be my birthday in a couple of months.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Theatre 625

        " A Nigel Kneale box-set - does such a thing exist? "

        There's a box set of Quatermass DVDs and a Nigel Kneale biography.

        http://www.amazon.co.uk/Into-Unknown-Fantastic-Nigel-Kneale/dp/1900486504

        There's also the "Stone Tape" in a BBC set with "Ghostwatch"

        http://101-films.com/ghosts-as-the-bbc-boxset/

      2. LesC
        Paris Hilton

        Re: Theatre 625

        Looks like you can still get it:

        http://www.amazon.com/YEAR-OF-THE-SEX-OLYMPICS/dp/B001LNOLDM

        Paris - well, you know...

        1. x 7

          Re: Theatre 625

          I seem to remember this being on the TV within the last few years.......I suspect there may still just be a colour copy knocking around somewhere

  6. x 7

    Hewey Grim?

    If memory serves correctly, he wasn't averse to screwing members of the audience.....and his mates wives

    1. graeme leggett

      But on the plus side Huey gave us..... .... errr

      1. LesC
        Black Helicopters

        Black helicopters?

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell_UH-1_Iroquois

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Opportunity Knocks (where the idea for the X voice academy got talent came from)

        The Sky's The Limit (from Hackney Empire no less)

        to name but 2

    2. Fraggle850

      Re: Hughie Green - Surprisingly uncontentious proclivities...

      In the context of '70s tellyland celebutards then?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      60's/70's Televison "personalities"

      If it was mates wives and audience members then he was quite acceptable as far as 60/70's televsion personalites go, it seems.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: 60's/70's Televison "personalities"

        "If it was mates wives and audience members then he was quite acceptable as far as 60/70's televsion personalites go,"

        I don't think that his producer Jess Yates was on friendly terms with him. Green deliberately leaked details of an extra-marital affair that destroyed Yates's career. Yates was supposed to be a very moral Christian as a presenter and producer of "Stars on Sunday" - hence the scandal. It was many years later before it was known that Yates's daughter Paula Yates was a Green offspring.

        1. TeeCee Gold badge
          Coat

          Re: 60's/70's Televison "personalities"

          Hmm. Opportunity knocks up?

  7. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "otherwise my email would have ended up in some hacker’s exposure list"

    Surely you know to use either a Hot/G/Livemail address kept for no other purpose or a one-off address, preferably one that you can eventually redirect to that of the CEO of the company concerned.

  8. VinceH Silver badge

    You know you're unpopular when...

    ...you don't even get misdirected text messages.

  9. chivo243 Silver badge
    Happy

    The Dating Game

    A US attempt at this sort of reality TV in the 60's. Sadly I was just a bit too young to get the jokes then.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058795/

    1. Irony Deficient

      Re: The Dating Game

      chivo243, youngsters might recognize The Dating Game’s theme song from the scene in the first Shrek movie where the magic mirror shows three princesses.

      1. Joey M0usepad Silver badge

        Re: The Dating Game

        suitor#1: suitorette, ever done it in a really uncomfortable place?

        suitorette: like the back of a volkswagon?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The Dating Game

          suitor#1: suitorette, ever done it in a really uncomfortable place?

          suitorette: like up the back passage?

  10. TheProf
    Unhappy

    I wish

    "my date’s mother looked like Bugs Bunny in a dress."

    I wish some of the dates I've had were that good looking.

    http://www.geocities.ws/karenspecial/bugs.html

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I wish

      You know the way they say all young men will one day end up looking like their dads and young women their mums?

      A friend of mine used to babysit a couple of kids, one of whom was a gorgeous little 6-year old girl, looked just like her Mum, blonde and bubbly. One of those kids you just know will grow up to be a heartbreaker.

      I met her again many years later as an adult. She'd grown up to look just like her Dad, poor kid...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I wish @TheProf

      >mother looked like Bugs Bunny in a dres

      He would have been lucky. Let's just say I hope my wife was adopted.

      And even so, from somewhere a very, very long way away.

    3. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

      Re: I wish

      IIRC Bugs Bunny looks good in a dress from the neck down (how? never mind), and has an engaging smile.

      1. x 7

        Re: I wish

        you do realise that Bugs Bunny was the first TV mass-audience transsexual?

        See this web page for a full list of cross-dressing appearances

        http://www.geocities.ws/karenspecial/bugs.html

        some of the clips can be seen at

        http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/193822/bugs-bunnys-top-12-drag-outfits/

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No statistical evidence for AM hack leading to suicides

    If you take a big enough population of anything (in this case millions) you will find all sorts of unrelated events occuring.

    In the AM population I bet some people had a car accident - what next - AM hack causes poor driving?

    1. lglethal Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: No statistical evidence for AM hack leading to suicides

      I totally agree with this, but I'm willing to go further.

      If the exposure of your extra marital activities was likley to lead to you wanting to commit suicide then sorry you are the last person who should be indulging in those activities. If you are going to have an affair you better be damned ready to take the consequences when it all goes pear shaped. The hackers might have brought this data out into the public when you werentexpecting it, but affairs have a way of being discovered by themselves anyway, despite what those in the act might think...

      "The truth will out" applies in the case of an affair just as much as any other "conspiracy"...

      1. Ben Tasker Silver badge

        Re: No statistical evidence for AM hack leading to suicides

        If the exposure of your extra marital activities was likely to lead to you wanting to commit suicide then sorry you are the last person who should be indulging in those activities.

        Agreed, but it's also not beyond the bounds of possibility that a suicidee might have been the one being cheated on either. Not sure it's the case for the ones I've seen reported, but "suicide" and "Ashley Madison" being in close proximity shouldn't automatically derail any sympathy.

  12. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
    FAIL

    Dopehead can only say, "Who are you?"

    For months I would get texts every few days from a stupid young woman called Jade. They were all invites to parties "wiv lots of drugs and booze". Several times I texted back to say that she had the wrong number but this had no effect so I rang her number. The conversation went like this:

    Me: Please stop texting me, I don't know you

    Jade: Who are you?

    Me: That's the point, you don't know me so stop texting me

    Jade: Who are you?

    This was repeated a few times until I lost my temper and told her that she was a fecking idiot.

    Jade is now enraged and passes the phone to some guy who is going to "sort me out". This would be a miracle of technology if some dude can beat me up over the phone so I'm not unduly nervous about it.

    Dude: Who are you?

    Me: Jade keeps texting the wrong number, can you please delete it?

    Dude: OK!

    Result! No more texts from the lovely Jade :)

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Dopehead can only say, "Who are you?"

      "Dude: Who are you?

      Me: Jade keeps texting the wrong number, inviting me to parties "wiv lots of drugs and booze" and as a police officer I'm afraid I can't accept her invitations.

      I like your style but I think the above might have been more fun!

    2. Squander Two

      Re: Dopehead can only say, "Who are you?"

      A few years ago, an attractive young lady somewhere in the UK decided to get rid of the irritating and illiterate young men who tried to chat her up on Friday nights by giving them a random phone number. That random number was mine. Used to get some great texts on Saturday mornings.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    More drivel

    More drivel from The Reg.

    O El Reg, El Reg, wherefore art thou El Reg (of old)?

    Have we had an editor change recently?

    1. Irony Deficient

      Re: More drivel

      Anonymous Coward, “wherefore” ≠ “where”; “wherefore” = “why”.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: More drivel

        @ Irony Deficient

        > Anonymous Coward, “wherefore” ≠ “where”; “wherefore” = “why”.

        Yes, your grasp of the English language is impressive, but obviously doesn't extend to Shakespeare.

        In Romeo and Juliet, the meaning of “Wherefore art thou Romeo?” is not “Where are you, Romeo?” but “Why are you Romeo?” (i.e. “Why did you have to be a Montague?”).

    2. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: More drivel

      I've been writing this drivel here every week for three years. I'm intrigued by your concept of "recently".

    3. Sarah Balfour

      Re: More drivel

      If you don't like El Reg (anymore), then why the fuck do you (still) read it…?! I don't come here for the erudite and accurate journalism, Oz I know that's in short supply, I come here for the laughs. If the Twat In The Hat, as he shall henceforth be known (if he ever wears that hat again, any road. Sorry Dabbsy, loves ya really…) quit writing here I'd probably not bother coming back myself.

      Actually, that's probably not true - this is about the only forum specialising in a topic in which I have an interest (obviously) from which I've yet to be banned.

      (No appropriate icon available)

    4. earl grey Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: More drivel

      ODFO

      1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: More drivel @earl grey

        Ah the soulful stylings of Ms Bee.

        Have a pint sir!

    5. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: More drivel

      It maybe drivel.... but he gets paid for it and you read it

  14. Desidero

    Are you that real-life guy they based Shaun of the Dead on?

  15. Dr_N Silver badge

    So firstly, who is KATE anyway?

    And secondly did you every notify Mrs Dabbs, because I used to pass the phone when receiving such textos and/or phone calls to an Ex, and she still didn't believe they were wrong numbers....

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: So firstly, who is KATE anyway?

      Kate? She has a landline in Kensington, that's all I'm prepared to say.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Did you text back to say you're at your boyfriend's watching brokeback mountain?

    If not then hang your head in shame.

  17. Unicornpiss Silver badge
    Meh

    If you were gay...

    At least you'd have a good chance of finding someone your same 'gender' and not 5 women being harangued by 10,000 sweaty, nervous guys with Internet porn running in another window.

    Understand that I'm not going to be called up for a photo shoot for GQ anytime soon, but my only two instances of meeting women on the Internet resulted in someone grossly misrepresenting themselves (they were like 300 lbs) and the other was a beautiful woman with a decent body, amazing eyes, and a little billy-goat beard. (I almost was able to get past that, as I was very lonely, but not quite)

    Life is a sad pageant.

    1. x 7

      Re: If you were gay...

      "photo shoot for GQ"

      you do realise that "GQ" originally stood for "Gay Queens", with Queens being the part of New York it was distributed in? Of course as well as delineating the target audience...

      1. Alistair Dabbs

        Re: If you were gay...

        >> Gay Queens

        Nice try. I used to read GQ back when it was still called Gentleman's Quarterly - which deserves to be a euphemism for something.

        1. x 7

          Re: If you were gay...

          Dabbsy

          you are so naive at times.........

          even back in those days (and you're really showing your age now) the title had a double meaning

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: If you were gay...

          It was at least an improvement on the usual troll which says it stood for "Geriatric Queens".

  18. therebel

    Didn't an undercover Cosmopolitan journalist reveal that Blind Date was all completely at up? Prearranged questions and answers, date already chosen before they'd even been asked.

    Not particularly relevant but just to say not really an example of reality TV anymore than EastEnders is!

  19. Number6

    Fame!

    Hey, I got a mention in the article.

    I deny ever having been on Blind Date though.

  20. Andy00ff00

    It was never a one-ton anvil. It was always 16T.

  21. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    Madison and Ashley

    "Madison" has had a horrifying rise as a name for girls since the movie "Splash" appeared. Madison Keys does very well on the women's tennis circuit. And I can remember a fourth-grade baseball team that had two girls named Ashley. So the names may be regrettable but are not unbelievable.

    1. Alister Silver badge

      Re: Madison and Ashley

      Yep, one of the Olsen Twins is an Ashley as well.

      I think Dabbsy is a little behind the times here - or showing some British reticence,

      It appears Americans will name their kids almost anything, and sadly we Britons are following blindly.

      How do "Future" or "Royal Reign" grab you as daughters names?

      Sheeesh!

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019