back to article Another chance to win a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive

In an act of supreme kindness, we are giving you another chance to win a 6TB Western Digital Hard Drive – in this week’s Vulture Caption Competition. Last week’s caption competition had the little grey cells in overdrive. The picture of a gorilla contemplating an iPhone led to lots of comments on who might have access to his …

  1. TheManCalledStan

    Relax! I'm a GM spider, poison been replaced with tattoo ink! So it was a butterfly you wanted on your shoulder, right?

    1. dogged

      Wrong subject?

      "Can somebody please get this screaming bitch off my arse?"

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Scale

    Sally suddenly realised there was something worse than five eyes.

  3. John L Ward

    3d tattoo printing site hacked

  4. SniperPenguin

    Sarah wasn't impressed with her son's Raspberry Pi robotics project....

  5. SniperPenguin

    The Vendors new marketing stress ball was getting mixed results....

  6. Roger B

    "Where's my Head & Shoulders!? This dandruff has legs!"

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Web printing trial reports partial success

  8. Yeti

    Noo! I've had enough with all these web crawlers!

  9. dave 81

    I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

  10. dajames Silver badge

    She's an Intel salesperson, right?

    Oh, no! A web-crawler running on ARM!

  11. Chronos Silver badge

    Oh my god, Boris! We've just been chosen to meet and greet Donald Trump!

  12. RonWheeler

    No

    No flies on me....

  13. daz disley

    "Oh. My. God ... What a dreadful font."

  14. JakeMS

    When they said we were going to see the new Spiderman this is NOT what I had in mind!

  15. Anonymous Blowhard

    This is a nightmare! My 3D tattoo is still freaking me out!

  16. Groaning Ninny

    She then wished she'd remembered to shave before leaving for the party

    1. Camilla Smythe

      remembered to shave...

      But keep it clean, particularly because the picture has a young woman in it.

      Don't Shave? No Partner to lick you clean? Try bathing occasionally.

  17. Havin_it
    Boffin

    "I told my blind date I'm a web designer, web developer *and* a web master. It didn't impress her much."

  18. Sigmund Fraud

    Incy Wincy spider

    Arghhhh!!! there's a spider on my arm for no rhyme or reason.

  19. Inspector71

    Spider IT Support offers to upgrade her laptop to Windows 10.

  20. adnim Silver badge

    What are you so upset for? You're not exactly easy to wipe off you know.

  21. codejunky Silver badge

    !!!

    YIKES! I stepped on a human.

  22. msknight Silver badge

    "Black Spider" won't let me browse YouTube! Whaaaa!

  23. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge

    Have you accepted SpiderJesus into your life?

  24. Steven Raith

    Get superfast fiber, they said.

    Get the real web, they said....

    1. Steven Raith

      Spider: So, I installed Windows 10 for you...

      Lass: Aaaargh!

  25. Ole Juul Silver badge

    Browser history:

    Frontier web crawler.

  26. Roger B

    "Sarah had said she was a web designer, for some dating sites, this was enough to find her a match"

  27. Queeg

    I know it's not a bird of paradise but I wonder if David Attenborough will like this one too.

  28. Lionel Baden

    The only thing to fear is fear. Oh and spiders, F*ck Spiders

    1. DavCrav Silver badge

      As seen on a t-shirt:

      http://www.snorgtees.com/the-only-thing-we-have-to-fear

      1. Lionel Baden

        think its wider than that, heard this one years ago.

        Are we allowed to re-iterate jokes that reside within our wetware storage ?

  29. AlgernonFlowers4

    Web Captcha!

    Thanks tor using the all new Ashley Madison Web Captcha program!

  30. Someonehasusedthathandle

    Deb calls web celeb a pleb!

  31. Ben Bonsall

    Hmm, no flies on her.

    1. Ben Bonsall

      Balls, beaten to it.

      How about:

      It was only they agreed to meet that she realized she just doesn't like men with hairy backs.

      1. Ben Bonsall

        How about I learn to type.

        It was only when they agreed to meet that she realized she just doesn't like men with hairy backs.

  32. Tom 64

    lookin' for the web in all the wrong places

    This is what happens when you don't use HTTPS

  33. Kristaps

    Typical systemd developer. And some woman.

  34. druck Silver badge

    AAAAARRRRH!

    I thought robots.txt was supposed to keep web crawlers away!

  35. Ralph B

    She should have used robots.txt, if she doesn't like webcrawlers.

  36. Paratrooping Parrot

    The spider spied her and she shrieked!

  37. 404 Silver badge

    DAMNIT GOOGLE! I AM MOBILE!

    ...

  38. Necronomnomnomicon

    The terror started when Sarah realised that she had taken off her Hololens.

  39. Howverydare

    Well, this bites.

  40. Necronomnomnomicon

    Sarah realised she had misunderstood the SEO expert offering to help "spider her content".

  41. Richard Tobin

    Eek!

    I've got one of those huge humans stuck to my feet!

  42. Come to the Dark Side

    When they said "I had legs up to here" I thought something was odd...

  43. Velv Silver badge

    "Kat was surprised by just how life-like the new tattoo looked"

  44. VinceH Silver badge

    "AAAAAAAAARGH! GOOGLE ARE ALL OVER ME!"

  45. Snow Hill Island

    command-fu

    Spider: wget --quiet --execute host:fangs/victim

  46. John G Imrie Silver badge

    Stats

    New trawl through Ashley Madison database reveals that only 1% of members where Human.

  47. xj650t

    Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet

    filling her drive with data from the CIA

    along came a five eyes spider

    that sat down beside her

    and whisked all that data away

  48. msknight Silver badge

    You and your, "sharp scratch." Why can't you tell the damn truth!

  49. jonathan keith

    Hey! Not all spiders, right?

  50. msknight Silver badge

    "Sharp scratch," you said. "SHARP SCRATCH !"

  51. graeme leggett

    im terrible with caption competitions

    But I will just say the first connection in my mind was with Sarah-Jane in the Planet of Spiders.

    I'll be off now, mines the one with the Target novelization in the pocket.

  52. msknight Silver badge

    "Now look, baby, I know my name was on that Madison database, but that's no reason to call me a creep that's come crawling back."

  53. AlgernonFlowers4

    NotManFromMars!

    Women are from Venus, Spiders are from Mars!

  54. msknight Silver badge

    "I don't care how much you cry. I'm not shaving my mandibles before we kiss."

    (I don't mind if multiple entries disqualifies me - I'm having too much fun.)

  55. Camilla Smythe

    Crap! Caption! Competition!

    Reg! Regurgitates! Rubbish! Reproduction! Requests! Rumbumptious! Responses!

  56. Michael Hawkes
    Big Brother

    I filled out the Google right-to-be-forgotten form, so why is this spider back again?

  57. lawndart

    On site hyperthreading expert runs your back up.

  58. Kevin Perry

    Book title

    The cover for Stieg Larsson's less than successful "Girl with the 3D Printed Spider Tattoo".

  59. mark 120

    The Company hadn't read the contract properly before allowing Crapita to install the new web based system.

  60. Adam Jarvis

    I'm shouldering a leggy Brazilian.

  61. AdamT

    Where's Adric when you need him?

  62. Real Ale is Best

    I have eight eyes, I am looking at the phone. Now please take that selfie so we can get on?!

  63. s. pam

    EU regulators cower in fear over latest Google search extensions

  64. dowdinsk

    Tattoo removal costs how much?

  65. geraintwilliams

    Free Hugs :P

  66. jake Silver badge

    Early riser, saturday morning, Sears Point:

    "I thought I was in Sonoma for the Indy car race!

    "Nobody told me there would be TARANTULAS!"

  67. imakers

    New! Instant Web service! (someone needs to have a word with marketing)

  68. benprescott

    The industry wants to sell spiders running on x64, but for most customers one byte is enough.

  69. Andrew Beardsley

    "I thought that the worst thing that could happen from shoulder surfing was that my passwords were stolen"

  70. Howard_Jablomé

    As it turns out, some people don't actually want instant access to the web.

  71. lhaworth

    www.....

    All i wanted to do was go to the world wide web!!

  72. Pale cast

    The release of a powerful new web crawler by Boston Dynamics, Google's Robotics division, sparks privacy and public safety concerns.

  73. Dave 12

    Curtains

    It's curtains for me if this terror bites

  74. Julian 8

    The dark web access has never been easier

  75. carrynot

    Bird eating spider, maybe.

  76. Chris Hexter

    I 'ate you, Butler!

  77. EastFinchleyite

    Google uses Webmaster to increase market penetration.

  78. vsridharis

    CAUTION!ARM Holdings can be dangerous!Switch to Intel

    CAUTION!ARM Holdings can be dangerous!Switch to Intel

  79. bwright72

    No!! Please don't add me to Bing!

  80. RussT

    Crawlers

    "I thought my robots.txt would stop crawlers!!"

  81. Tanglewood73

    No! I asked for a meeting room with a spider PHONE

  82. FunkyHaddock

    Dark and hairy, he could see right up her nose.

    1. Steven Raith

      In soviet russia, spider eats burd!

      Sorry.

  83. Makeshift

    "No, I don't want to be on Google!"

  84. -nat-

    Sarah didn't realise surfing the web was dangerous!

  85. SimonHayterUK

    Advice

    When shopping in the ocean avoid the sea gates... head western and look for digital

  86. shoeshopboy

    Sue had not cleared her google web history successfully, and know it has come back to haunt her

  87. onagol

    OMFG!! THERE'S A MAHOOOSIVE HAIRY SPIDER ON MY ARM!!! ARRGGGHHHH!!!

  88. Julian 8

    Dark web is spreading

  89. ServerSauna

    When I asked for terabytes, I didn't mean terror bites!

  90. conorris

    David Arachnoborough

    Today we take a closer look at a more common breed of ape, the 'scared human'

  91. georgied

    It's full of guns, drugs and kiddie peddlers!!

    So this is the dark web? Ooh scary…

  92. Mister_Tad

    The Oculus VR edition of spider solitaire was destined to fail from the start.

  93. Jimer

    Surprise dating experience

    June soon realised that signing up for Ashley-Madison's new Surprise Services were yielding some unexpected bugs!

    (reposting as it would appear the first try didn't work)

  94. hrburrell

    Study shows most Millennials cannot convincingly feign terror

  95. LordSlaphead

    Nostalgia

    Lycos returns! Death to all Googlers!

  96. Fribblington Coot

    Stop bugging me !

    I've just spider reason why your system is crawling - what have you got to sata that ?

  97. Alrighte_then

    New google spider invades your personal space not just your privacy

  98. dwilkin

    It's not the spider that worries me - it's that hobbit waving his sword around near my bum!

  99. Explorer84

    Aaaagh! that's not my shoulder!

  100. Red_Five

    Gary - when I asked you to get a backup web connection installed, this wasn't quite what I had in mind...

  101. MarkDOTJames

    JEESH !! I thought you said a nice little gift FROM Amazon not THE Amazon.

  102. Steven 2

    The Snowden Spider is incredibly stealthy...

    .... and in this case caused a serious wikileak.

  103. Andrew Scaife

    Six terabytes! Six terabytes! Not tarantula bites!

  104. Mr Plod

    I know your Black but I don't want to be a widow.

  105. Mr Plod

    I known your Black but I don't want to be a widow

  106. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hi, is your login ID 'OldWoman' and did you just raise a help desk request about swallowing a fly?

  107. Anne-Lise Pasch

    "How in hell is Microsoft not spotting these? I'm rolling back."

  108. Ciaran McHale

    Just as her date rings the doorbell, Sarah realises her new tatoo does not colour coordinate with her prom dress.

  109. steamrunner

    Henrietta Pixiebell suddenly realised she hadn't checked that the tattooist actually knew what Rainbow Dash looked like....

  110. Ciaran McHale

    Although commonly used, the "love at first bite" tactic is not always reliable.

  111. Bbbbit

    I hate reboots but...

    Miss Muffet. We meet again at last...

  112. packrat

    relax, we're the government and we're here to help.

  113. jonathan keith

    Exynos Octoclaw.

    With hindsight, the Samsung marketing department realised that releasing live spiders at the launch event for their new octocore chip was a terrible mistake.

  114. TheDysk

    That's the last time Jane will ever ask for a Web Crawler to help her internet research.

  115. Malik01

    My face when I discovered the spider is photo shopped and the actual picture would have been a super awkward moment.

  116. theastrodragon

    Don't panic, it's just the new Windows 10 spider.

  117. This post has been deleted by its author

  118. Warm Braw Silver badge

    How it feels to be a woman on Ashley Madison.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "How it feels to be a woman on Ashley Madison"

      There are women on Ashley Madison?

  119. AlgernonFlowers4

    Congratulations!

    Congratulations, you are this weeks lucky six terror bites winner!

  120. Little Mouse

    It's big and black and hairy...

    ...and oi be afraid of it!

  121. BlartVersenwaldIII

    Three for the price of one

    The unfortunately named arachnophobe Ashley Madison's week on the web got even worse when contextual advertising put her in touch with the wrong kind of spin doctor.

    ========

    Miriam didn't get along well with her new proofreader Webster at first.

    ========

    Oh no, that mole is looking a lot worse...

    ========

    Despite finding a giant, Boris found he couldn't see any further than usual.

  122. Cardinal

    'Scuse me -

    Is your name Muffet perchance?

  123. Dave K Silver badge

    Lisa suddenly realised that the dark side of the web and Silk Road were not what she was expecting.

  124. Cardinal

    Just a word in your shell-like....

  125. Cardinal

    Psssst!

    Wanna come back to my place for curd and whey?

  126. Cardinal

    I meant 'curdS and whey' dammit.

  127. Cardinal

    OR

    Pssst! - Wanna come back to my place for curds and whey-hey-hey?

  128. Rufus

    Susan: "So why's it called a bird-eating spider?"

  129. lsces

    What happened to the chip on my shoulder?

  130. Steve Crook

    There was a young lady who swallowed a fly. Then lost her appetite.

  131. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Meh....

    ...if you think I'm scary I'd suggest you don't look what's on the other arm.

  132. earl grey Silver badge

    I don't care how many G's that drive can handle

    Hit me with your best shot!

  133. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I don't mind giving you a piggy-back but ....

    ... leave off with the smutty Morse-code messages

  134. SniperPenguin

    Only downside of relocating to Australia...

  135. SniperPenguin

    Her Spidey Adsense is tingling.....

  136. SniperPenguin

    You doing a web-search too, eh?

  137. msknight Silver badge

    But please! I swear! I got the Dyson for the bigger dust bunnies.

  138. msknight Silver badge

    Mon Dieu! When you said, 6TB WDB I thought you meant Six Terra Byte Western Digital Black, not Slick, Tickling Bite, Well Down my Back!

  139. Palf

    That new 3D tattoo had seemed like a good idea.

  140. Cardinal

    Nice face - Shame about the 2 legs.

  141. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well doctor,

    said the spider, it started as a small growth on my underbelly, now look at it!!!!

  142. Eddy Ito Silver badge

    A giant bug! Where? I'm famished.

  143. i steal your leccy

    Can you give me a lift to the Oval?, i love crickets.

  144. David McCarthy

    Girl caught trying to eat helpless spider

  145. Cardinal

    Blimey, that's a big 'un, where did you get it?

    Found her in the bath.

  146. David McCarthy

    Of all the webs, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine

  147. Eddy Ito Silver badge

    Hello sweetheart, the name's Sunshine and I'm here to make you happy.

  148. Ralph B

    The moment she realised people could see her hairy parahybana.

  149. Mad Chaz

    Suzie, why do they say web programmers are weird?

  150. cumbrian.blues

    Wow!! The new Spider Solitaire game using Hololens is a bit too realistic!!

  151. Security_Elvis

    Caption

    Panic,as new monstrous bug discovered

  152. AlCro

    So much for paying attention to my robots.txt file.

  153. AlCro

    Disallow: /

  154. e_darren

    I definitely should have shaven these legs!

  155. AlCro

    Definitely malwear.

  156. woRem

    Dark web users are looking over their shoulders following latest security concerns.

  157. nanda

    there, we think so alike !

  158. WillJP

    What has eight legs and makes your scream?

    The Labour Party leadership candidates.

  159. lonterra

    Maureen now regretted taking the advice that she should 'back up onto the web"....

  160. Jame_s

    oh it's only a spider! - for a horrible minute i thought an MP was sneaking up on me.

  161. S.H.

    Warning. Some items available on the Dark Web may be harmful to your health.

  162. Stepheng74

    It's not that kind of interweb!

  163. Oblivion62

    Early adopters said that the sticky antennae on the new wearable octo-band phone were too itchy.

  164. OldTech

    Mmmmm - an 8 bit bite.

  165. Bored bored bored

    Don't Panic

    What do you mean - Mostly Harmless?

  166. Turnipking007

    Having an octal system running on a binary one is scary.

  167. Beerio

    Tracy quickly regretted the previous night's choice of tattoo

  168. Jim Preis

    When you see it: Tarantulas drawn to women with four eyebrows.

  169. Nixyp

    BOFH's practical demonstration of how websites are indexed didn't go down well with the Work Experience Girl.

  170. monty75

    Fetch the RAID. There's an insect on my back up.

  171. CC24

    Welcome to my web! Creepy new Google Homeview(TM) cameras revealed

  172. Valeriant

    Web Crawler 101

    When you know where to look, you can tell you've been visited.

  173. KnightGarion

    (spider) "Have you seen my wife, she came through here a minute ago"

  174. KnightGarion

    (spider) "Can I get a lift to Comic-Con ?"

  175. nanda

    There, we still think alike !

  176. KnightGarion

    Google's next indexing service.

  177. joepublic

    "Ugh! What is this disgusting creature! So much hair! And why is it making that horrible screaming noise!?"

  178. MAF

    Buggy Beta version...

    Web 2.0 bug causes overt hysteria

  179. Turnipking007

    "You look how I feel ..."

  180. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Penny was somewhat disappointed when she read the new Spotify terms over her shoulder. Even with her beloved pet there to comfort her.

    Yes that'll do. Anonymous because well, you've read it.

  181. stephenjjohnson

    If only she had included a robots.txt file, she wouldn't have to put up with being spidered like this.

  182. ChrisJones74

    So apparently the 'space mutation pandemic' of 2015 had a down side.

  183. Jame_s

    that moment you realise those weren't shiitake....

  184. Tempest8008

    Pic editing is cheating, but...

    I couldn't help myself.

    http://s22.postimg.org/q1wjpdhxt/tarantula_and_10.jpg

    Caption would be "The horror! The horror! Oh, look! A spider!"

  185. i steal your leccy

    The word you're looking for madam is."ARRRRRGGG!!!!"

  186. i steal your leccy

    You'll be quids in with me madam, i'm a 'Money Spider'!

  187. This post has been deleted by its author

  188. i steal your leccy

    Shhh, don't cry Amanda, you were too good for him anyway.

  189. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge

    Suddenly the warnings about shoulder-surfing had meaning.

  190. i steal your leccy

    Y'know, you look nothing like the picture on your profile page.

  191. Stuart Halliday

    But you said you wanted a pink furry pet

  192. i steal your leccy

    Excuse me madam, but you haven't seen a smug looking Gorilla with a mobile phone around here, have you?

  193. Adam Jarvis

    Moss (ITCrowd): I see you're trying a facial expression in the shape of 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko, in an attempt to get the landed spider to float off.

  194. i steal your leccy

    TARANTULAS!!

    It's true i tell ya!

  195. Little Mouse

    Holy crap El-Reg

    Good luck picking a winner from this lot.... ;^)

  196. i steal your leccy

    What a morning i've had! First of all i was climbing up the water spout, then out of the blue it started pouring down with rain, then......

  197. ChrisJones74

    Susan could never get the hang of Tuesdays.

  198. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    with mounting horror

    it began to dawn on fashion student Celeste that her chosen accessory was not quite the right shade of grey.

  199. Katy_B

    Gimme a break! Who do you think put the bloody web together anyway?

  200. Atticfire

    Microsoft's feedback said 'ClipIt' was too distracting and should be more web aware for Windows 10

  201. Katy_B

    Sheesh, alright! So I used someone else's photo on Tinder . . .

  202. Katy_B

    I'm sorry babe but I've met someone else!

  203. ChubbyBehemoth

    "I'm the 1% and still can't get laid, because those bastards don't want to share me with you!"

  204. i steal your leccy

    "Sorry darling, sorry, i just had to step outside for a moment and i forgot to warm my feet, when i came back in".

  205. i steal your leccy

    You're right darling! that is the best Janet-Street-Porter impression ever.

  206. Sigmund Fraud

    Baby,

    whatta rack, no phobia

  207. This post has been deleted by its author

  208. i steal your leccy

    What do you mean? I'm not on the web all the time! Honestly you drive me up the wall, you do.

  209. i steal your leccy

    There's no point in crying about it now, Amanda. I've seen through your web of lies...goodbye.

  210. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    Pauline McLynn to open new dating hints website for women

    Press treated to sneak preview of her patented "over-the-shoulder comether" technique.

  211. Adam Jarvis

    She still prefers the classic arthropod to an iPhone 6

  212. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    After a series of frustrating encounters on dating websites (how could he forget his disappointment with the lady and her "chocolate lab"?), Roger decides to filter out all leggy brunettes as a preventive measure.

  213. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    Australian Tourist Board to launch Dropbear Awareness campaign

    Warns visitors to remain alert to true menace even while being marauded by other deadly species.

  214. Michael

    ARM released new bug capture system to shocked dev community

  215. swschrad

    OMG, robots.txt was deleted!

    and there y'go

  216. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    <em>That's</em> a spider

    Actor Paul Hogan arrested at web conference. Guest speaker turns terrorist as audience member recounts memorable 80's catchphrase "one too many times"

    Omnishambles "could have been prevented", admit organisers.

  217. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    No one would have believed ...

    in the first years of the 21st century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligence-

    AGGHGHHH A SPIDER!

  218. NBCanuck

    Go ahead and share all of your life's details on the internet, but there will always be the fear that something on the web will come back to bite you!

  219. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    "so just to clarify"

    I can get this amazing 6Tb WD Black drive for free and all I have to do is put this spider on my shoulder? What's the catch?

  220. JimP

    Cherie was apprehensive about what might happen if she kissed Tony the spider...

  221. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    Obvious Outcome with Ornery Octopod

    Antsy Arthropod Attacks Advertising Actress

  222. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    (the last two to be read as a diptych, natch)

  223. Adam Jarvis

    Using Find my Arthropod, led to a grim discovery.

  224. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    "It's just ..." Janet began, then trailed off.

    She knew what she had to do and yet Howard was just so sensitive. It was obvious that she would have to be delicate with him---there was no way of knowing how he would respond to the brush-off.

  225. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    "so you want me to pose for a stock photo?"

    "and you want me to bare my shoulder?"

    "and have a spider crawling on me?"

    "and have me look really scared?"

    "What kind of sicko would pay money for a photo like that!?"

  226. OgreMHDW

    I'm terrified, this spider has a better "back up" plan than I do!

  227. eldergeek

    That is NOT a feature!

  228. xyz123

    I should have taken Oracles advice when they said they didn't want their customers looking for bugs...

  229. aracdin

    Aracnophobe? Me

    Oh god spider, we've been photographed by Stuart Berman

  230. jackdaw

    “Heeere’s Johnny!”

  231. i steal your leccy

    Amanda! what do you mean, you've stepped on my mother?

  232. i steal your leccy

    There, there sweetheart, don't cry. I know you wanted a Western Digital but they've sold out. Why don't i get you a nice Seagate instead?

  233. i steal your leccy

    Do me a big favour, if you're going to sneeze, kindly turn your head the other way.

  234. i steal your leccy

    Allow me to introduce myself, i'm The Millennium Bug!

  235. i steal your leccy

    Yes i know i'm small and hairy.....just think of me as an eight-legged Ron Jeremy!

  236. Barely registers

    More afraid of IT than IT is of you

  237. i steal your leccy

    Brad, Brad, Brad!, If Brad is so brilliant then how come he can't pull a silk thread out of his arse?

  238. i steal your leccy

    "Face Your Fear"

    FAIL

  239. AdamG57

    Film reference 1

    Doctor! No!

  240. AdamG57

    250 Lame EffortsBefore Me. Or How Not to Get Upvotes

    "You can't be serious - Upvote has been added to the dictionary?!"

  241. AdamG57

    Do I deserve 6 Terrorbytes?

    8 byte computers deserve a nibble....

  242. Nixinkome

    "So where do you want the Nest installed?"

  243. Nixinkome

    "Open wide...say Ah"

  244. Nixinkome

    "You call that gurning?"

  245. Nixinkome

    "It's OK, I'm an 'armless lady too!"

  246. Nixinkome

    "I ask all my lovers to stay for breakfast."

  247. i steal your leccy

    Film Reference 2

    'Goldfinger', apparently "a spiders touch" isn't all its cracked up to be.

  248. Nixinkome

    "This limb seems sturdily attached"

  249. Nixinkome

    "Jumpin' Jack Flash: At your service"

  250. Nixinkome

    Overkill

  251. AdamG57

    @StuBerman

    "Your profile said you were a Libra, not a scorpion..."

    "I'm not a scorpion, I'm a Hairy Mygalomorph."

    "But Stu said I was his gal, and more..."

  252. Nixinkome

    "The mice told me about you"

  253. Nixinkome

    "Yes, it's a melanoma"

  254. Captain DaFt

    No! More to the left,little buddy, move left, and hurry! That back itch is driving me crazy!

  255. i steal your leccy

    I'm really sorry sweetheart. When you said you were inviting your parents over for dinner, i completely got hold of the wrong end of the stick <BURP>

  256. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What has 8 legs and makes women scream.

    Gang rape

    (yea...I am gonna stay AC for this one)

  257. Malik01

    There!!! Have your Spiderwoman too, Mr. "gender-gap-research" attorney.

    ...the **** I put up with.

  258. Malik01

    Jenny was not scared however. She had watched way too many Bruce Lee movies to be scared now.

  259. JimTrees

    Spider Virus on a Woman!!!

    What the hell? I got a Spider Virus on me, why did I buy McAfee. If it cann't protect me from malware or virus running on me.

  260. Malik01

    "Spider beings are not meant to survive at the cruising altitude of an aero fly"

    EVERST. In cinemas now!!!

  261. Malik01

    So it is true what they said about giants.

    What! What do you mean you want to stand on my shoulders now??

  262. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

    But...but...but...you're supposed to eat me afterwards!

  263. john devoy

    "I should have stuck with my original butterfly tattoo idea"

  264. Viper1j

    Remember when you threw that shoe at me, and I fell behind the bed?

    I remembered too.

  265. Viper1j

    Or...

    Hey baby, I was a web developer BEFORE the internet.

  266. Your alien overlord - fear me

    These Two Ronnies repeats are realistic ("It's big, it's black and it's hairy" reference for you youngsters)

  267. lek

    Jenny was starting to think that having eight eyes was giving Brian a distinct advantage in their starring contest...

  268. DBarber

    From The Colonies

    OMG, only 2 more weeks before my iPhone 6 is obsolete – oh look, a spider.

  269. DBarber

    Contest, Caption

    This is not the Spider Woman that you're looking for.

  270. DBarber

    Bug Me Not

    How not to file a Bug Report.

  271. rsole

    ARM has legs :)

  272. amalanok

    NEVER piss off a tattoo artist

  273. mildy bemused

    The first 3D tattoo printer fails UAT.

  274. msknight Silver badge

    Yes, I know, the iPhone's a fright, but they're the only ones making phones small enough for me to use.

  275. Ian Emery Silver badge

    Oh no! I have the NSA on my back!!!

  276. Cardinal

    I've TOLD you - The biting stops when you get it right, RIGHT!

    Now,...From the top........

    "Eight legs good!

    Two legs bad!".......

  277. amalanok

    Jerry Springer 2052

    But daddy I love him!!!

  278. spdaniels

    Aversion therapy

    [aversion therapist] ' Quick madam! eat another spoon of Ben & Jerries and we'll drop the red ants in your hair now '

  279. Taggman

    What do you mean "Species of eight! Species of eight!"

  280. Termy

    "When I said can I play spider, I meant Solitaire..."

  281. kyoukoku

    "Attempts to trawl the web trying to find out whether or not her spouse has been using Ashley Madison, bought up a few unexpected but still shocking results for Charlotte."

  282. Shokeros

    Onkar Shoker

    Hi, my names Sarah and I have arachnophobia. #WorstTattooEver

  283. Cardinal

    Excuse me Miss, I'm from the Ashley Madison 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' department..

  284. MalPearce

    "Mr Big spied her shoulder surfing..." NO! CORTANA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  285. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Life is short. Have an affair.

  286. Viper1j

    Itsy bitsy my ass..

    Let's see YOU get through the waterspout!

  287. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    " Spider-Pig,

    Spider-Pig,

    Does whatever

    A Spider-Pig does.

    Can he swi"..... "NNOOOOOO. DON'T KISS ME"...

    "Look what you've done to me. "

  288. Frank N. Stein

    Your web of lies has finally caught up with you. :-)

  289. ingie

    "Welcome to the Windows In Spider Program"

  290. i steal your leccy

    No madam, you've read it wrong...

    ..the first prize wasn't a Ferrari Spider'! The first prize was a 'Farty Spider' <PARP> sorry bout that, he's a bit nervous.

  291. Cardinal

    'Scuse me, could you just raise up a little? I have to get under that toilet seat.

  292. Cardinal

    Here's looking at you kid!

  293. rxraine

    But daddy, I said I wanted a BLUE tarantula!

  294. Jabuzan

    Excuse me...

    Did you say... TERROR BITE!?!

  295. Bluemetal

    NSA unleashes its new army of Spyders all over the Web!

  296. Cosmo

    Ashley Madison continues its web of deceit

  297. Cosmo

    Spider: "I was just looking for a shoulder to cry on"

  298. goldfish

    What do you mean, you wanted a parrot ????

  299. goldfish

    I've got you now, Little Miss Muffet !!!!

  300. MacNews

    The Winning caption is...

    Relax, BOFH here. Just doing indexing for the nightly backup.

  301. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    looking over your shoulder

    --- It's not just for paranoid freaks!

  302. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    Deadly Spiders 2

    "Hair Happerent"

  303. msknight Silver badge

    Baby, I think this dating app sucks!

  304. msknight Silver badge

    Amanda loaded Spider on her eight core wearable shoulder pad.

  305. msknight Silver badge

    Sarah regretted pestering the BOFH for the latest eight core mobile.

  306. i steal your leccy

    Her first "Bushtucker Trial" was a complete disaster!

  307. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's OK, it doesn't Byte

    He only eats data

  308. i steal your leccy

    EXCLUSIVE!

    "Shopper gets more than she bargained for, in her bag of 'Fair Trade' Bananas!

  309. Cardinal

    'Morning madam. I'm from the Ashley Madison 'Web of Lies' helpline.

    (Our motto:- You spin 'em. We fix 'em)

    You reported some pants on fire?

  310. tarunagup

    She is Tarantula, I am Java, she is based on me.

  311. tarunagup

    Eight bits make up a byte. Eight legs can cause a bite.

  312. tarunagup

    The girl with a spider tattoo. Mind you, it's horrographic.

  313. chronicler
    Flame

    Internet History

    The first spider meets the first lady.

    http://tinyurl.com/qahztcy

  314. Filboid Studge

    Just another five minutes and your arachnophobia should be cured...

  315. Filboid Studge

    Omg!!

    Best...

    Tat...

    Ever!!!

    No...wait...I wanted the unicorn...sad face

  316. vinnyjw

    Apple release new anti-theft iPhone 6S....

  317. Shokeros

    Contest caption

    Appnophobia trials.

  318. Short changed

    Spider

    Google search returns only Google services as nobody wants a visit from their spiders, no EU anti trust case required.

  319. Cardinal

    (trying to improve my original on this)

    Excuse me Miss, I'm from the Ashley Madison 'Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave' helpdesk.

    (Our motto:- Have spider. Will (un)ravel)

    You reported an entanglement?

  320. Little Mouse

    Join TriOptimum, they said.

    Sign on to the Von Braun, they said.

    See the stars, they said.

  321. i steal your leccy

    The Golden Compass REDUX

    Amanda: "So let me get this right. Nicole Kidman gets a Golden Monkey, Daniel Craig gets a Snow Leopard and i get a 'Big-Ass spider?

    Spider: I'm not appy aboot this either y'know....i mean, have you seen your overbite lately, y'ugly bitch?

  322. i steal your leccy

    "Pssst", said the spider.

    "I have now" replied the woman.

  323. i steal your leccy
  324. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    101 uses for a 6TB Western Digital Black Hard Drive.

    #73: For twatting a big spider on your shoulder.

  325. Hyde

    Picture this

    I think I just filled up my hard drive.

  326. i steal your leccy

    Itsy! I've got some terrible news!

    Bitsy has just been killed by a Flymo 320!

  327. Duffy Moon

    Help! I can't swim!!

  328. msknight Silver badge

    Oh my God! You killed Kenny! You bastard!

  329. i steal your leccy

    He loves me, he loves me not.

    He loves me, he loves me not.

    He loves me, he loves me not.

    He loves me, he loves me not.

    Oh....that's a shame, you haven't got another leg have you?

  330. AdamG57

    Now I'm worried...

    "Roxane you don't need to put on the Red Light...."

  331. Kepler
    IT Angle

    Microsoft finally takes pop-up "Web advertising" too far

    "All right, I'll upgrade to Windows 10! Just PLEASE get that thing off of me!"

  332. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    I am a normal human

    Typing with my human hands.

    7oo me7a? I could probably scour b3ta or fark...

  333. Jim Herd

    Jesus Christ, who deleted my robots.txt?

  334. sopcannon

    latest apple gadget i-scream spider. Obviously not an android OS ..

  335. tempemeaty

    This blood bank sucks.

  336. Pete 48

    Lifes Short, Have an AffHAIRY SPIDER!

  337. Danny 4

    Spiders Everywhere

    "You know everything's connected to the web now?" said the spider.

    "But I don't want Windows 10!" cried the woman.

  338. Phillip Allen

    Hello Moto

  339. Shayde

    Unprofessional

    Spider: "I don't get it, this was supposed to be a quick bank holiday photo shoot.

    This is totally embarrassing, I even brought the Missus."

  340. This post has been deleted by its author

  341. howsmiff

    Competition

    My My, Miss Muffet. How you've grown!

  342. Adam Jarvis

    At Harry the Spider's Coming out Party, he surprises guests by wearing his Cadbury's Gorilla suit.

    (Ref: Classic Cadbury's Ads)

    http://youtu.be/HjzOmf82QVo

    http://youtu.be/NHtEyDrD4oA

  343. dr john

    Somehow the cover shot for the fourth book of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series didn't quite go as well as Felicity had expected...

  344. Adam Jarvis

    Or Simply...

    Get off me, you big Gorilla!

  345. Adam Jarvis

    iPhone Plus's new macro feature shows the contents of the Gorilla's hand up close.

  346. V 3

    the sequel

    Little Miss Muffet 2 : Marriage Proposal....

  347. MaldwynP

    It's OK love, I'm a base jumper.

  348. DaProf

    Excuse me...can you tell me how to get on the World Wide Web?

  349. Triggerd

    Aren't you supposed to be climbing the spout!

  350. JackDaives

    Spider: What are you trying to do, catch flies?

  351. Pivnic

    Itsy bitsy my a$$!

  352. MaldwynP

    Long drop

    It's OK love, I'm just a Base jumper.

  353. tea junkie

    googles bug dection wetware has discovered a problem in the keyboard/chair interface.

  354. rodneys_tr

    8 terrorbyte drives are coming!

  355. 4MM

    Ethel's request for a "legit" tattoo turns into a "leg it" tattoo.

  356. IapetusOuabain

    Online dating gone wrong

    He asked me out for a bite, but I wasn't expecting any formication.

  357. What_Does_Not_Kill_You_Makes_You_Stronger

    .... you are really spoiling us!

    One bite ..... is to die for !

    (Ferrero Rocher Chocolate Spiders)

  358. This post has been deleted by its author

  359. This post has been deleted by its author

  360. What_Does_Not_Kill_You_Makes_You_Stronger

    Send 3 and fourpence .......

    A 'Shocking' furry something; off the shoulder ..... you said!

  361. Adam Jarvis

    Shocked model looks on, as the eensy weensy little black spider dress requires last minute seam adjustment by the Designer.

  362. Adam Jarvis

    Its always some creep, never Benedict Cumberbatch that Photobombs me.

  363. nigkettle

    Barney! Help! Somebody's installed Windows 10 on my laptop!

  364. texaspete

    After explaining the default privacy settings in Windows 10 to Miss Muffet, Spider got the reaction he wanted.

  365. Carl Pearson

    Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!

  366. BlankPlank

    ...and that's when I spider, cowering in fear.

  367. Securitymoose

    OMG it's a terror-bite

    (or 6)

  368. tarunagup

    Relax, I am a Spi. Some call me Spidy. I have come from Siberia. And to make you feel better, my nickname is not cyberspy.

  369. CaptainBanjax

    Caption

    I dont know why im screaming, this could have been the Viz up the arse corner.

  370. i steal your leccy

    They ran out of Black Magic, so....

    "See the face you love light up with 'Terry's Tarantula!"

  371. i steal your leccy

    "Showbiz Exclusive!"

    Simon Cowell, pops backstage, to calm the nerves of one of the contestants on 'Britain's Got Talent'!

  372. i steal your leccy

    " Hi there!" "I'm from California"....

    ..."what's your sign?"

  373. i steal your leccy

    Don't keep pulling that face...

    if the wind changes you'll stay like that.

  374. i steal your leccy

    What has eight legs, but can't run?

    Chelsea's back four!

  375. i steal your leccy

    What Disney film am i sweetheart?

    "The Love Bug", yeah baby, that's right, we Californians have got all the moves!

  376. i steal your leccy

    Yeah it is very sad, because when my dad died..

    my mum became a Widow.

  377. i steal your leccy

    Me?.. I'm a PA.

    Yeah, i always try to put a positive spin on things.

  378. i steal your leccy

    Stop crying. You know that i only have eyes for you...

    all 54 of them.

  379. John H Woods Silver badge

    "Stop calling me SOME PIG"

  380. i steal your leccy

    Reg Exclusive

    Hairy little chaps smart alec clap trap puts blind date in a flap!

  381. lek

    "... and that was her reaction when she saw me, how was I to know she meant a different kind of web crawler? Still, once she saw what I could do when it came to multitouch, well, there was plenty of pinching and err...sliding, if you know what I mean! *wink w-wink, w-w-wink wink wink* Come the end of the night I was definitely her 'Dreamweaver'; if the webs' a rockin' don't come knockin' ..."

  382. lek

    "I'd had to leave the relative comfort of the underside of the toilet seat, just to get away from the smell. She just grimaced, shuddered a little and then I heard another ripper, louder than the first. Beans man. Some people can't handle their beans."

  383. Evoflash

    Self-Defence

    "..if I could...just..turn....my head...a little more....I could bite..back.."

  384. Evoflash

    Failed at final hurdle.

    Sadly, her final test for Iraqi citizenship failed the "Iraq:no phobia" requirement.

  385. This post has been deleted by its author

  386. AlgernonFlowers4

    IANAL

    Hey I am not a hedgehog and I am happy to share the hedge, just as long you remember IANAL either!

  387. hamsterXjam

    A bit of politics?

    Ahhhhh.... Oh thank goodness, it's only a giant hairy spider. For a minute I thought Jeremy Corbyn was standing behind me.

  388. hamsterXjam

    Nest's new prototype autonomous insect hunter/killer for the home meets with mixed reactions.

  389. hamsterXjam

    Tarantulas and Their Wily Ways

    Right, so I had to break down the door to get in because of the barricade of furniture you'd built on the other side, whereupon I find you with your trousers down, member in hand, and you now tell me you weren't indulging in an act of self-abuse, but were in fact defending yourself from a giant hairy spider that had run up your trouser leg. Likely story.

    Hang on, what's that on my shoulder?

    (With apologies to a famous stand-up comedian. You know - a proper funny guy...)

  390. eternal

    Urban myth No. 548

    OMG. If we mate I will have to eat him !!

  391. thefox

    Web developer gets the cold shoulder

  392. What_Does_Not_Kill_You_Makes_You_Stronger

    Trust me, I know what I am doing !!!

    Works Every Time ...... Hiccups Gone, See !

  393. What_Does_Not_Kill_You_Makes_You_Stronger

    Itsy Little S turns 'Diva'.

    Young model finds backbiting is getting seriously venomous !

  394. Grifter

    LIARS! They told me Web 1.0 was extinct!

  395. Grifter

    I only asked for IT Support...

    ... I didn't know they'd send a creeper!

  396. Grifter

    I just crawled...

    to say...

    I love you

  397. Grifter

    SOMEONE PLEASE

    DEBUG IT

  398. Grifter

    I told IT to leg it

    They eight-legged it

  399. AlgernonFlowers4

    The Clash at Demonhead

    I am Spider Pilgrim and I have come to battle with your evil ex's

  400. neurochrome

    In VR, everyone can hear you scream.

  401. flipflopper

    Stacey had asked for 6TB but all she got was 1 Killer Bite...

  402. lek

    Signs you've played too much Minecraft no. #8:

    "Arrghhh! I thought they only attacked during the nighttime!?"

  403. decgeek

    Search engine optimization

    I told you I could get google's spiders to index your site.

  404. hatti

    Spider Date

    It's not that I find you unattractive, but it's only been two weeks since Geoff moved out.

  405. MrWhipster1

    Hold the headlines

    Spider in bolder holder shoulder strap snap crisis

  406. DrSolveIt

    Is your Bug Bounty big enough?

  407. sopcannon

    Siri find me Jane

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019