back to article Vote now: Who can solve a problem like Ashley Madison?

Avid Life Media – the owner of hookup site Ashley Madison – has weeks-old openings for a data analyst and a senior system administrator. The opportunities (noticed by Vulture-eyed Reg staffers) got us thinking about who in the wide world of tech is capable of righting the hacker-raided Tinder-for-cheaters site, which has …

  1. Anomalous Cowturd
    WTF?

    JMcA obviously!

    Did you really need to ask?

    1. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

      Re: JMcA obviously!

      They stacked the deck by including the photo; it triggered a ROTFLMAO flashback.

    2. Petrea Mitchell

      Re: JMcA obviously!

      Of course McAfee. Not that he'd be able to fix it retroactively, but it's all about "a good fit for the company culture" these days, isn't it?

      1. h4rm0ny
        Thumb Up

        Re: JMcA obviously!

        Well the thing is, normally I would pick Bruce Schneier as he's undoubtedly brilliant and one of the most respected security professionals in the business. But at this point it's gone beyond a security problem and become the sort of PR debacle that no inside-the-box thinking and seriousness can fix.

        Meaning the only person on the list who I think would have a hope in Hell of pulling something out of this fire is McAfee who would shrug, make some jokes and handle the unprecedented amount of criticism and hate without at any point appearing ruffled.

        (Rumpled maybe, however)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: JMcA obviously!

      I just so quickly picked the winner.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: JMcA obviously!

      Larry Flynt (or his daughter) might not be able to fix it but he would at least help find a few more massively hypocritical religious politico douche-bags to make an example of.

    5. Michael Habel Silver badge

      Re: JMcA obviously!

      Great minds and, all that.....

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: JMcA obviously!

        Just finished, Reamde and JMcA is the first guy who came to mind seeing this poll.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Roger Irrelevant.

  3. sysconfig

    MacGyver

    That's the only person who can build truly awesome stuff and rescue the human race -- from a pile of heap.

    Failing that, the Ashley Madison execs should simply make the Road Runner.

  4. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

    Bruce Schneier fact: if you need to hire him, you can't afford to. Because this is a man who can dehash your password from the "x" in /&c/password without looking at /&c/shadow.

    El Reg fact: I had to write "/&c/" because, writing "/etc/" before "passwd" or "shadow" triggers blocking from cloudfart.

    1. asdf Silver badge

      its not about money, its about the disguises

      "In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them....maybe you can hire The A-Team."

      1. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

        Re: its not about money, its about the disguises

        Or the updated version, "The Government considers these people "irrelevant". We don't. Hunted by the authorities, we work in secret. You'll never find us, but victim or perpetrator, if your number's up... we'll find *you*"

        (Speaking of which: why wasn't Root on the list?)

        1. asdf Silver badge

          Re: its not about money, its about the disguises

          The new one is an abomination. I like Liam Nelson but he is no George Peppard.

    2. Marco Fontani

      Yeah, POSTing something containing /etc/​passwd is blocked by Cloudflare's intrusion detection systems.

      One trick is to use a zero-width space.

  5. getHandle

    May I suggest an alternative?

    Gerald Ratner. That's the state they're in!

  6. twelvebore

    Hacking Team

    Obviously. They seem to know what they're doing.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Michael Jackson!

    Michael Jackson. Or Edward Snowden. Or both.

  8. O RLY

    Where are the bankruptcy lawyers on the list?

    Oh you meant BEFORE something like this happens. Right, carry on.

  9. Alistair Silver badge
    Coat

    Ashleigh Madison Systems Analyst application

    Hi:

    I just finished Grade 9 basic computer operations course and got a 65. I can work for u nao.

  10. keep-it-calm-or-more

    I thought it was obvious.

    They need a man who can bend any truth (or public opinion). It's time for Donald Trump to take the CEO chair!

  11. Old Handle
    Thumb Down

    Name Calling

    I don't think it's fair to call Ashley Madison Tinder-for-cheaters. Tinder has female users.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    https://twitter.com/SwiftOnSecurity/status/623237893839056897

  13. irishmark

    Isn't there an out of work ex-US govm't Sys admin in Russia at the minute who knows a thing or too about secrets?

  14. quattroprorocked

    Chuck Norris Fact : He was the only guy on the site that the real women ever wrote back to.

    1. David Webb

      Chuck Norris doesn't need to go onto the site to get replies, but every reply he did get, he replied to with a round house kick to the face..........

      1. Jos V

        The only reason bloody AM is still in the news is because Chuck going back in time and kicking all of the admins in the face hasn't entered our timeline yet.

  15. x 7

    Ongoing, all they need are a good legal team and specialist bankruptcy advisors/accountants

  16. Camilla Smythe

    Apparently I Have to Enable...

    JavaScript to..... snore. Nighty Night.

  17. jonathan keith

    Oversight!

    The obvious candidate is Computer Engineer Barbie.

    1. Wommit

      Re: Oversight!

      DBA Barbie wouldn't have let the system get so shite that it could be hacked in the first place!

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    McAfee....

    has all the "chops" to do the job, including the paranoia and morals; and just look at the people he surrounds himself with. Right out of Avid Media to begin with.

    As someone mentioned before, a good cultural fit.

    Hey, Bruce said it was an inside job. He just didn't say which kind.

    Blow, Hand or Rim? Your choice!

  19. The Nazz Silver badge

    Even more obvious a candidate.

    Tony Blair.

    His decisions have led to millions of people getting well and truly fucked.

    1. P. Lee Silver badge

      Re: Even more obvious a candidate.

      >Tony Blair.

      I think you've missed how the site operates. Unless you're gay or one of the presumably very busy one percenters, AM gets paid, you get... nothing.

      Forget the privacy problem, until that news came out, AM still had a chance, because fools and their money are always easily parted.

      Now though, AM, through its adverts, have climbed the Tower of Wrongness to the height of the top floor of Irony and are about to leap off into depths of the Custard Pie of Laughing Stock. If you want to play doctors and nurses and resuscitate them, you will need the services of one Dr Frankenstein. This one, however, I suspect is going to be reported as "missing presumed dead - last seen drifting off in icy waters, alone, wearing nothing but custard, with a lawsuit sticking out of its chest."

  20. veti Silver badge

    Clear winner

    Taylor Swift is clearly the only person in the universe with the charisma and credibility to persuade husbands and wives alike that it doesn't matter what's in the archives of some stupid website.

    Because Love. Or whatever.

  21. RustyK9

    I'm concerned about the OP, and his poll choice list...

    He seems to have a fetish for 'Angelina Jolie'...

    1. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
      Joke

      AJ FTW

      He seems to have a fetish for 'Angelina Jolie'...

      I picked one of the AJ options as there is no fixing this mess but, in keeping with the theme of the employer, I find her nicer to look at than McAfee. Although the fetish comment might work, too...

  22. Alister Silver badge

    I can't believe that not one commentard has mentioned BOFH yet, nor that he wasn't included in the poll.

    I'm quite sure he would be able to take full advantage of the situation...

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

      Aye, but there's a slight, subtle difference between 'take full advantage of' and 'fix'...

  23. Fraggle850

    Would have gone for JMcA but...

    When something is this badly f***ed it can only be Chuck Norris. JMcA would be better suited to helping with an exit strategy for the ALM execs, get them dressed up as Guatemalan street sellers or drunk German tourists so they can relocate to the jungles of Belize.

  24. The Vociferous Time Waster

    Able Lincoln and his green friends

    you don't need a big name to make this better, you just need a big budget. Hire a fair to middling CIO who wants to make a name for him/herself and give them a massive budget to hire competent techies and buy best of market security products. Nothing in this hack was clever, it was a failure of these basic systems. In addition if you hire good security people* and pay them well you will increase the mean salary and so attract more good people to the market.

    *I mean people who install and manage security, not the box ticking fucktards in security compliance. Need good ones of those too but they are best recruited from technical teams rather than the snake oil stands that seem to be the source of all candidates at the moment.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    JMcA can bullshit his way out of anything.

    And that's pretty much what they need here.

    He also has enough money to PAY women to be on there, which is the only obvious way to get it to work.

  26. CAPS LOCK Silver badge

    Whoopie Goldberg

    Or Sandra Bullock

  27. ZanzibarRastapopulous

    Impossible job?

    More like temporary job, who's going to use that company now?

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Even Chuck can't save it

    ..so it has to be John Mc 'A', purely for entertainment value.

    It'll be interesting to see if this causes a shake up of some of the dating sites, as it's finally been proven what everyone suspects : there are no women on 'casual dating' sites.

  29. Jedit
    Black Helicopters

    I did not vote in this poll

    How could I? There was no option to select Ethan Hunt.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Yawn

    This whole Ashley Madison affair (heh) and the endless nonsense/sneery stories on El Reg is really turning me off the site. Can we have an Ashley Madison filter please?

    That is all.

    1. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Yawn

      There's one built in to your browser. It's normally labelled "url".

      Paris, because she's a gURL.

  31. CaptainBanjax

    Traditionally...

    If you had a problem and nobody else could help, and if you could find them, you'd hire the A Team. No?

    Problem is they escaped from a maximum security compound into the Los Angeles underground...might be tricky for them to get to Canada.

  32. Captain Badmouth
    Coat

    Candidates

    Impossible job candidates :

    1. Oddjob

    2. Nutjob

    3. Handjob

    4. Blowjob

    Mine's the one with the beginner's guide to soho.

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