back to article Buffoon in 999 call: 'Cat ate my bacon and I want to press charges'

The West Yorkshire fuzz have released recordings of nuisance calls requesting a cat be arrested for eating a man's bacon and a complaint about a noisy washing machine, as well as a request to identify the actor in Magnum PI*. As reported by the Yorkshire Post, a man rang the police to complain about his girlfriend's cat eating …

  1. msknight Silver badge

    You know...

    I'm a small time fiction author ... and if I put this in a book,someone would find a way to care even less about my non-existant credibility.

    1. Bob Vistakin
  2. frank ly Silver badge

    Too polite

    "Right I'm very sorry sir but it's not a 999 emergency 'cause your girlfriend let the cat eat the bacon. I do apologise but it's not a police matter."

    Try: "You're an idiot. Get off the line or we'll come and arrest you when we're not busy."

    1. Red Bren

      Re: Too polite

      They should have told him to report it to the RSPCA. Cats can't digest pork, which is why you never see pork flavoured cat food. So this is an animal welfare issue...

      1. Tom Wood

        Re: Too polite

        Maybe not. I like this explanation from here: http://www.theguardian.com/notesandqueries/query/0,5753,-18852,00.html

        "Why are there no pork or other pigmeat cat food varieties? "

        "I've always understood the reason to be that the pigmeat industry has a long-established method of disposing of its waste products. They call the result "sausages" - or, if you're lucky, "economy sausages". "

        1. Tom 38 Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: Too polite

          Ahh, economy sausages - for when its hard to make both ends meat.

          1. IsJustabloke Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: Too polite

            That made me LOL and deserves more than the single poultry upvote I'm allowed to to give it

            1. Martin
              Headmaster

              Re: Too polite

              ...single poultry upvote ...

              Upvoted by a chicken?

              I think you mean "paltry".

              But I agree with the sentiments.

              1. VeganVegan

                Re: Too polite

                @ Martin: pun a lot?

            2. x 7 Silver badge

              Re: Too polite

              "the single poultry upvote"

              well, don't crow about it, me old cock

          2. JulieM Bronze badge

            Re: Too polite

            Would they be the ones that are forty for four Euros, bright pink and straight as sticks of rock?

        2. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

          Re: Too polite

          All the 'oles - ear-holes, eye-holes and arseholes.

      2. Steve Gill

        Re: Too polite

        That's odd, I've seen both pork and ham flavoured cat food recently

        1. NoOnions
          Thumb Up

          Re: Too polite

          Yup, my cat likes pork and ham:

          http://www.petsathome.com/shop/en/pets/felix-as-good-as-it-looks-pouch-meat-selection-variety-pack-12-x-100g-cat-food

          1. Def Silver badge

            Re: Felix

            In Norway (possibly the whole of Scandinavia) Felix cat food is branded Pussi.

            (Un)fortunately they kept the slogan As Good as it Looks.

            I kid you not.

      3. launcap Silver badge
        FAIL

        Re: Too polite

        > Cats can't digest pork,

        Can't decide whether this is satire, trolling or dumbness..

        (My 6 all quite happily eat pork. Especially if they have managed to steal it from my plate.)

        1. Red Bren
          Trollface

          @ launcap Re: Too polite

          "Can't decide whether this is satire, trolling or dumbness.."

          Maybe a bit of all three? I did google before posting and found opinion to be divided* on the subject. Some results suggested cats can eat pork while others claimed it would cause them problems such as irritable bowel syndrome. My favourite theory was that pork tastes too much like human flesh and the manufacturers don't want cats to get a taste for it...

          * A bit like global warming. So I stuck to my original preconceptions...

      4. Martin
        Happy

        Re: Too polite

        Cats can't digest pork...

        Try telling that to our cat who stole a sausage from under the grill - while it was on....

        We reckoned he'd earned it.

        1. Richard Taylor 2 Silver badge

          Re: Too polite

          Try telling that to our cat who stole a sausage from under the grill - while it was on....

          We reckoned he'd earned it.

          Ours have worked out that once they have got it we have lost the will to get it back. Although one of my hungrier sons...

      5. Maty

        Re: Too polite

        Urban legend. Cats can and do digest pork. You'll also see it listed on pet foods as 'ham' or similar.

        It's not recommended that you feed a cat bacon, but that's because the sodium level is too high - nothing to do with the meat itself. Well cooked pork is as safe for a cat as beef or tuna. (In fact probably safer than tuna depending on the mercury content.)

      6. JulieM Bronze badge

        Re: Too polite

        Felix do make pork and ham flavour cat food. And my cat will eat ham, and bacon -- but turns up his nose at sausages.

        What I want to know is, why can't you get cat food in antelope or zebra flavour, for the cat that thinks it's a lion?

    2. joshimitsu
      Megaphone

      Re: Too polite

      it's a Very British Response to a ridiculous request.

    3. John Smith 19 Gold badge
      Headmaster

      "You're an idiot. Get off the line or we'll come and arrest you when we're not busy."

      True.

      But regrettably that would probably breach the Services guidlines on non urgent call handling.*

      And modern call recording systems catch every word of both sides of the conversation.

      *Official body. You know they'll have one. Wheather anyone can recall it's exact contents is another matter.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Too polite

      Jasper Carrott's nutter on the bus sketch immediately comes to mind

      Nutter bus

    5. macjules Silver badge

      Re: Too polite

      Far more likely to be:

      "Does this involve Jimmy Savile, Rotherham Social Services or anything at all to do with Hillsborough?"

      "No"

      "Then you're nicked son - report to your local police station"

    6. Lars Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Too polite

      Perhaps, but if you have worked in a profession where customer service is needed you will know that "polite" is a weapon like silence too. With my 35 years in IT I can assure you that shouting will just increase the time lost with "idiots". With five years as a taxi driver I can assure you it's the same, and silence can be a really lethal weapon too, no good for a 999 emergency though. Polite is in fact quite a weapon.

    7. Danny 4
      WTF?

      Re: Too polite

      The guy deserves neither girlfriend nor cat. Or even access to bacon.

      I'm embarrassed that he's a member of the same species.

      1. Turtle

        @Danny 4

        "The guy deserves neither girlfriend nor cat."

        Right on both counts.

        "Or even access to bacon."

        Now that's harsh.

      2. Charles Manning

        Re: Too polite

        "guy deserves neither girlfriend nor cat"

        He clearly handed in his man card years ago. Wouldn't know what to do with a girlfriend.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Not Necessarily....

        "I'm embarrassed that he's a member of the same species."

        Well, they didn't actually try to establish the caller's species - just gave him the benefit of the doubt on that point and they took his word on having a girl friend too.

        I'll buy the part about the cat eating his bacon, but my guess is they were both alone in the house and he was outwitted by the cat.

  3. Captain DaFt

    No, Not him!

    "as well as a request to identify the actor in Magnum PI*."

    "* Tom Selleck. (Duh.)"

    "Nah, the other guy with a mustache, the English guy!"

    You mean the guy that played Higgins, John Hillerman?

    "Yah! Higgins, that's the one! Stuck up Bastard!"

    I've actually had this conversation.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: No, Not him!

      I'd report this to OFCOM as it shows no-one in the area has an internet connection, Mobile Data or WiFi that would allow them to use Google (other search engines are available)

    2. DropBear Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: No, Not him!

      "You mean the guy that played Higgins, John Hillerman?

      Yah! Higgins, that's the one! Stuck up Bastard!"

      That's right, and a liar too! It turns out the rain in Spain doesn't stay mainly in the plain at all...!

      ...huh? What do you mean "not that one"...?!?

    3. This post has been deleted by its author

  4. Sir Barry

    Charge 'em

    When these prats phone up with idiotic requests like this the cops should charge something like £25 for wasting police time.

    And this should be court enforceable with Community Payback if the chumps don't cough up.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Charge 'em

      Extra service on the 999 operators desk, a button that adds £100 to the callers bill, and dumps the recoded converstaion into an evidence file?

      1. macjules Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: Charge 'em

        Software service provided by ... Capita? It would cost £1.5Bn to get £100 back.

    2. FredBloggs61

      Re: Charge 'em

      Good plan, I would prefer it if some community payback was introduced, but financial penalties work too

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Charge 'em

      I'd prefer euthanasia, improve the gene pool and all that.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I have a better solution..

      Make this mandatory after such a call and the problem will eventually indeed sort itself out because these genes disappear from the pool.

      Sometimes I wish it was possible to take away some people's ability to breed. I seriously feel for the operators, I hope some of them are at least funny.

      Harsh? Yes, haven't had my coffee yet.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: I have a better solution..

        @AC

        Sometimes I wish it was possible to take away some people's ability to breed. I seriously feel for the operators, I hope some of them are at least funny.

        In this particular instance, with him wanting his girlfriend arrested along with the cat, she probably would no longer allow him to attempt to breeding with her.

    5. Triggerfish

      Re: Charge 'em

      Unfortunately they are the sort of idiots that then show up in the papers making a sad face while holding a scrap of paper, and huge headlines saying council charged me for making a mistake (although it should say "for being an idiot") they have to much power or something, and then our money gets wasted on trying to enforce it.

      I have had calls at 3am (while working on a council repair line) about such fun things as my light bulb is broken get someone here to replace it (couldn't change it themselves health and safety), and there's ants in my kitchen my babies in danger. Both these people were mid twenty 'ish, if I phoned my parents and said the council didn't send someone round to change the light bulb my parents would be ashamed, both these people then had there parents immediately ring and complain as well.

      Have to say listening to those calls I feel slightly worried for the seven year old whose been left in the charge of an idiot.

  5. moiety

    If this is a big problem, would it not make sense to have a layer-2 switchboard to shunt these calls to? I have tentatively called it TMS (Triaged Message Service is what you'd call it in public; but the acronym would, of course, stand for The Muppet Show).

    As I see it, the biggest wastes of time are:

    1. Identifying that it's a waste of time

    2. Backing gracefully out of the conversation

    ...not a lot you can do about the identifying part; but the backing out gracefully part is what eats the time and can be safely passed off elsewhere.

    You'd probably only need one of these centres to cover the whole country. You'd have to record which force the call came from; and you'd also need a way of bouncing it back at high priority in case it turns out the triaging was wrong (some people are circumspect and a lot of people get downright weird in an emergency).

    The emergency switchboard could bounce callers there mid-syllable and the caller would have to start from the beginning; but that's just part of the education process. Explaining why that isn't a matter for the police; the consequences of tying up emergency lines and the possible penalties that can accrue wouldn't require that much training; and can all be addressed in the "gracefully exiting the conversation" thing; and they would be able to spend a little more time on it than the emergency line; thus educating callers better and -just maybe- lessening the problem overall.

    You'd have to send back reports to the originating service/force/station - they'll all want a copy of the blooper reel.

    Shouldn't be too expensive (staffing levels would depend upon the scale of the problem and I don't have those numbers), and would reclaim precious seconds on the emergency line.

    1. Ol' Grumpy

      I guess the issue here is one of delay for the genuine cases. Even a minute delay going through triage could potentially be fatal if knife wielding loonies are involved etc.

      1. moiety

        No, the triage is being done anyway on the emergency line. The emergency operator -upon realising they're talking to a muppet- just hits the "Fuck off" button to shunt the call instead of then having to waste time explaining and gracefully losing said muppet.

        In the transcript in the story, for example, the "Fuck off button" would be used instead of replying:

        Police: Right, okay, what would you like the police do with regards to that, sir?

        ...thus reclaiming the time used for that and the subsequent conversation for genuine emergency use.

        @Credas - Graceful because you want to maintain a professional image. Also if you say what you really feel, you're going to end up wasting even more time with accusations and outraged splutterings. Also you never know who's on the other end of the line and what their motivations are. Also, the person on the other end may have genuine problems that it might be possible to address if your sole concern isn't getting your emergency line back.

        1. moiety

          @Credas - forgot the most important reason. The operator who shunts the call to 101 might be wrong. Your TMS centre gives you a second chance if the caller is in shock or bad at expressing themselves or whatever; and genuinely does need help.

          1. Message From A Self-Destructing Turnip

            Hmmm, this seems like an overly complex solution with the same net result as would be achieved by simply hiring more operators to handle emergency calls. Or are we suggesting the operators dealing with the idiots would be less skilled and lower paid?

            1. moiety

              @Message From A Self-Destructing Turnip. From the policeman's comment:

              "Donahoe added that "The serious point is that a lot of the time we're talking about a matter of seconds between us being able to get to a genuine emergency effectively and not being able to, and therefore having people's lives put at risk.""

              ...it would suggest that emergency lines have limited bandwidth; whether that be number of qualified operators; number of physical lines in or whatever. The obvious solution is to get callers who shouldn't be on the line, off; and free up the resources for people who need it.

              Secondly, these calls (and it seems to be a universal and growing problem...just read about the exact same problem in Sweden) have to be dealt with somehow.

              Clearly modern users -probably because communications are so easy and used habitually today- could use some education about appropriate subjects for an emergency line. I don't think hiring more operators would help because they wouldn't be interested in education; they are just interested in getting the caller the fuck out of the way. Having a more laid-back switchboard who are able to take a little time for said education may go some way to solving the problem at source.

              Thirdly there are marginal cases...things that the police could help with but aren't a full-fat emergency. The operators would know that it's not life-or-death; but may be able to help sort out problems. The intelligence and PR benefits could be substantial.

              ----

              There's 2 ways you could run it:

              1. Purely as a relatively cheap, scripted, pressure valve.

              2. As a sort of social media replacement for knowing your local policeman. Drunken idiots like Bacon Boy get a verbal spanking and some education; relatively minor but still police-worthy problems can maybe get sorted; emergent problems can possibly be headed off at the pass before they become a major problem. Maybe you could maintain links with other organisations - CAB, RSPCA and that sort of thing and redirect people to the right place.

    2. Credas Silver badge

      Why be graceful about it? "This is not an emergency" and push a button to transfer the call to 101.

      1. Unep Eurobats

        Why be graceful about it?

        I think the main reason is so that they don't ring back and waste yet more time.

    3. earl grey Silver badge
      Devil

      Damn you

      Now i have that muppet show music running around in my head...

      1. moiety

        Re: Damn you

        Nearly sorry about that. You can sometimes get rid of an earworm by hitting youtube and listening to the song that's afflicting you...the theory being that if you listen to all of the song, including the ending, your brain gets closure and stops doing it to you. Works sometimes for me.

        1. Martin Budden
          Trollface

          earworm

          Never gonna give you up...

  6. Turtle

    Seeking Contestants To Join In The Fun!

    "West Yorkshire Police reveal their worst summer nuisance calls"

    And they're doing this in order to... encourage competition?

    1. joshimitsu

      Re: Seeking Contestants To Join In The Fun!

      to encourage an Internet naming and shaming fest, along with all the cyberbullying that goes with it. Since The Internet At Large can manage it for something so random as wearing the wrong type of outfit to an event, or misplaced accusation and resultant cyberpitchfork wielding prosecution of a crime.

    2. Dan 55 Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: Seeking Contestants To Join In The Fun!

      They can't go after everyone but they should put all entries in a tombola and pick a winner once a year, the winner gets a prize of being charged with wasting police time. That'll bring down nuisance calls.

    3. Hollerith 1

      Re: Seeking Contestants To Join In The Fun!

      I think 'name and shame' aren't working, because we get these stories all the time.

  7. This post has been deleted by its author

  8. Zog_but_not_the_first Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Initially and superficially humorous...

    Then deeply, deeply depressing.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Clearly the law needs changing, how can a cat get away with such a heinous crime?

    I hope everyone here mocking this realises that this sets a dangerous legal precedent and soon your bacon will be stolen with the culprits claimings "it wont me guv'nor it was the cat wot did it"

    It won't stop there, dogs so I have heard, have a penchant for sausages, soon all your pork products will be stolen by the animals or nefarious criminals using the animals.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Coat

      Obviously what's needed here is a new government agency or Quango tasked with monitoring and addressing animal / pet bacon-theft incidents and devising a strategy for prevention.

      You did mention Pork.......

    2. I'm Brian and so's my wife

      All your pork are belong to us!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Not just meat

      I have known 2 cats who steal cheese if given half a chance.

      1. Tom 38 Silver badge

        Re: Not just meat

        I have known 2 cats who steal cheese if given half a chance.

        Do they use it in the mouse traps?

        1. Triggerfish

          Re: Not just meat

          I'm guessing ours used to steal it from the supermarket bin, it would bring back sealed chunks of it, could never get it to read a shopping list.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Not just meat

            I used to have a cat who would chew holes in my socks. I'm not saying they were cheesy...

      2. launcap Silver badge

        Re: Not just meat

        > I have known 2 cats who steal cheese if given half a chance.

        Our senior male (no - not me!) has stolen:

        One baby sock

        An empty cigarette packet (neither of us smoke)

        One brand new, unused 3" paintbrush (good one too!).

        Moral of the story? Cats will steal *anything*. Why do you think topfloor men are called "cat burglars"?

      3. x 7 Silver badge

        Re: Not just meat

        I know a rabbit that steals cheese

        Its a house rabbit which sleeps with the dog (a working collie) and bullies the farm cats

      4. JulieM Bronze badge

        Re: Not just meat

        Do they then sit by mouseholes with baited breath?

    4. earl grey Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      penchant for sausages

      picture not required

  10. Anakin
    Paris Hilton

    One call too much

    "The Customer Contact Centre normally receives 1,000 calls a day on the 999 emergency number,"

    If the emergency dudes put up a counter on there web page the public know when to stop make idiotic calls to 999

  11. dotdavid

    Cat ate my bacon

    "Police: Right, sir, it's not a criminal offence to let a cat eat your bacon, OK?"

    Not sure there's no crime here, although granted it's a very minor one and certainly not an emergency - surely the feline bacon filching is theft?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Cat ate my bacon

      As any fool kno, cats are our masters and above the law.

    2. Jimmy2Cows
      Alert

      It's a crime...

      ...against bacon!

      I demand immediate action against the soulless perpetrator and all accomplices!

      For their sake I hope it wasn't crispy. That's a doubling of the sentence right there.

    3. launcap Silver badge

      Re: Cat ate my bacon

      > surely the feline bacon filching is theft?

      Cats, being officially classified as wild[1] animals and not mere property[2] are outside the law..

      [1] Wild? They are furious!

      [2] Like a certain other species. No - not children..

  12. TheProf
    Holmes

    Gotcha!

    "we're talking about a matter of seconds between us being able to get to a genuine emergency effectively and not being able to,"

    A police spokesperson added;

    'Hurrah! The villain was mere seconds away from escaping but due to the diligent* use of the 999 emergency line we nabbed him.**'

    *This almost always happens.

    **This almost never happens.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Back in the late-seventies

    Me and my mate used to call the police* (from a public call box!) and say, in a sing-song voice, "We're high on cannabis!"

    Anon, 'cos, Jeez! it's only still the 21st century**!

    *the direct no., not 999!

    **aka, in the UK, the 19th.

    1. Jediben
      Thumb Down

      Re: Back in the late-seventies

      Bell end.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Back in the late-seventies

        Not as big a bell-end as the family(s) whose house you'd go round of an evening to find their door boarded up where the police had smashed it in first thing? For dope. And not for the kids, or why would they have still been there.

        Bell-ends (as in 'gutless').

        1. TeeCee Gold badge
          WTF?

          Re: Back in the late-seventies

          I just read that several times in an attempt to make sense of it and have deduced two things:

          1) You're the same AC as the one who started the thread.

          2) It's not just a tabloid press rant, excessive use of weed really does turn your brain into squirrel food.

  14. Martin-73 Silver badge

    This reminds me

    of the time my ex called the local police number (pre-dating 101) to report a noise nuisance, they said to call the council (who had told us to call the police). The police refused to attend. At which point she told them "there WILL be a crime because my boyfriend (me) is about ready to go round there and strangle the little shit!". They turned up and made the idiot next door turn down his stereo.*

    *yes we'd tried all the usual, ringing the doorbell, which was ignored, etc etc.

    1. ScottAS2
      Black Helicopters

      Re: This reminds me

      It reminds me of the probably apocryphal tale of the man who phoned the police to report a burglar rummaging around in his garden shed only to be told that there was no-one available and it would probably be morning before someone could come round. So, he phones up a few minutes later and says "It's okay; no hurry in coming round: I've just shot him".

      A short time later as three armed response units, a dog van and the helicopter hustle a very surprised burglar off to the cells, one of the plod asks "I thought you said you'd shot him?" "I thought you said there was no-one available?".

      Black helicopter, because nowadays he'd probably be whisked off to Gitmo under the Making The Establishment Look Silly (Prevention of Paedo-terrorism) Regulations 2003.

      1. Def Silver badge

        Re: This reminds me

        http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/response.asp

  15. JimmyPage Silver badge
    Flame

    Why do we put up with these morons ?

    Why is there not an automatic fine for misuse of 999. Especially since we have 101 ?

    I get the same rage with missed NHS appointments. Just fine the bastards.

  16. Zmodem

    avon police had a tweetathon https://www.avonandsomerset.police.uk/newsroom/features/24-hour-tweetathon-the-highlights/

    the best is probably : Man reported missing in Bath - he has been found safe and well in his own bed

  17. Kubla Cant Silver badge
    Alert

    Unfortunate timing

    I can't help thinking that it's unfortunate timing for the plod to push a hilarious 999 timewasters story just a week or two after the distinctly less hilarious incident of the Scottish car crash that they couldn't be bothered to attend.

    1. Jediben

      Re: Unfortunate timing

      This is an entirely different police force in an entirely different country - or are you going to accuse the English of shooting unarmed black Americans on a weekly basis too?

      1. launcap Silver badge

        Re: Unfortunate timing

        Well - we all know everything is the Fault of the English[1]..

        [1] Apart from the stuff that isn't of course.

      2. Kubla Cant Silver badge

        Re: Unfortunate timing

        This is an entirely different police force in an entirely different country - or are you going to accuse the English of shooting unarmed black Americans on a weekly basis too?

        Calm down. Now re-read my post and you'll see that the only thing I accused anyone of was a certain lack of tact.

        The actions of US police forces have no bearing at all on what people living in the UK might expect from a British police force. The actions of a force in Yorkshire, Scotland, or any other part of the UK manifestly do. And despite the efforts of the SNP, Scotland is still part of the UK, not "an entirely different country".

  18. hatti
    Mushroom

    Oh FFS just fine them

    Darwin award candidates.

  19. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    there's a routine in here somewhere

    Dispatcher: Speak up, man. The cat got your tongue?

    Caller: No, my bacon.

  20. bigtimehustler

    The odd thing is, we got to where we are today through evolution, only passing on the genes of the best survivors. What we do now is try and keep everyone alive to breed, thereby preventing our evolution and worsening our future chances as a race. Seems very strange to me.

  21. splodge

    Emergency Donut

    "The serious point is that a lot of the time we're talking about a matter of seconds between us being able to get to a genuine emergency effectively and not being able to, and therefore having people's lives put at risk."

    Oh yes, the emergency crossword that needs doing while eating the emergency doughnut

  22. This post has been deleted by its author

  23. Maty

    Be grateful that W. Yorks have professionals answering their emergency calls. Compare that with the scumbag 911 operator in the States who hung up on a caller trying to save a dying man - because he didn't like her attitude.

    http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/new-mexico-911-operator-tells-caller-to-deal-with-it-yourself-after-shooting-1.3171526

  24. DubyaG

    The Cat

    Is the cat's name Eric?

  25. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    Devil's Advocate

    If the call were dropped too soon as a time-waster, you know what's going to happen?

    One day someone is going to be making a genuine call to 999 when in the same room as someone with a gun or a knife. If you are put in a position of threat can you predict what you would do or say? You cannot, it is your primitive reactions that will take over and you may not have any control over your actions.

    The recipient of the call should be able to ascertain from certain clues that you are in a dangerous situation which needs immediate attention, even though you are not capable of explicitly asking for help. Part of the reason for keeping the call open is to make absolutely sure that it is not an emergency.

    So when the press find out that what sounded like a hoax call turned out to be murder, who will they criticise?

  26. x 7 Silver badge

    but....being deprived of bacon late at night when you have the munchies is a serious problem well deserving of an emergency solution

    Perhaps the answer is for the 999 call team to have the ability to drop the call to the nearest kebab or pizza joint?

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    An eye for an eye

    Seems like the best solution is to eat his girlfriends pussy.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: An eye for an eye

      I knew if I scrolled through the comments I'd find this one eventually.

  28. x 7 Silver badge

    Are you sure it wasn't Lester who called the police about the bacon?

    He was writing this week about cooking bacon after going to the pub, and his daughter is named Kat....

    Do you think the truth is he fell asleep post pub while trying to cook so Kat scoffed his bacon as he snored?

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    And to think...

    ...these calls came from people who were not in prison yet.

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