back to article DEATH by VEGETABLES: Woman charged with killing boyf using carrots. And peas

A woman in California allegedly killed her boyfriend using mixed veg, according to local news reports. According to NBCLA, a local prosecutor states that Linda Clarene Jackson, 59, of Lake Los Angeles, allegedly attacked her 59-year-old boyfriend, David Ruiz, while he was in her house. The local TV station reported further …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Worse and more damaging things than spamming someone.

    If that's a cue for tins of spam jokes then I'm dry, you'll have to have all jokes without spam. Without spam? Urgh....

  2. Six_Degrees

    Wait - there's such a thing as canned carrots?

    Why?

    1. Ian Emery Silver badge
      IT Angle

      EVERYTHING* can be bought in a can

      While in France I spotted canned snails.

      Yep, you read correctly, something even worse than Spam!!

      * OK, I meant food-wise.

      Please note, mentioning Spam doesnt make this IT related.

      1. Paul Woodhouse

        Re: EVERYTHING* can be bought in a can

        sorry, had to downvote cos I rather like eating snails... and I can't stand Spam :p....

        1. John 110
          Joke

          Re: EVERYTHING* can be bought in a can

          I QUITE LIKE SPAM...

          (Do I have to say "bloody vikings!"?)

      2. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

        Re: EVERYTHING* can be bought in a can

        You've never heard of hákarl then. It's considered an offence to open it in someplaces as well as being banned from handcarry on airflights.

        1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

          Re: EVERYTHING* can be bought in a can

          I believe it's surströmming that's banned from hand luggage.

          Hákarl sounds worse than surströmming, but at least it's not under pressure.

      3. Whit.I.Are

        Re: EVERYTHING* can be bought in a can

        I recently saw canned brussel sprouts...

    2. 20legend

      Same reason as every other canned veg...

      1. smartypants

        Tinned tomatoes shirley should be excepted. And kidney beans. And borlotti beans. And olives. And anchovies*

        (*for my vegetarian friends who eat fish)

    3. SolidSquid

      Generally for longer term storage/out of season use. Also they're generally pretty cheap and work in soups pretty much as well as fresh carrots would

      1. Matt Langley

        I also understand that you can substitute home made carrot soup made with tinned carrots with tinned carrot soup, and it tastes pretty much the same as home made tinned-carrot soup.

    4. Monty Cantsin

      I would have thought canned carrots are fairly common - although the ones I see in the supermarket (never bought them) are usually in jars, not cans, and they're those little baby carrots.

      For the worst thing in a can ever, nothing beats Canned Whole Chicken:

      http://www.seriouseats.com/2009/04/whole-chicken-in-a-can-taste-test.html

      1. Jonathan Richards 1
        Unhappy

        Pffffft!

        I'd eat canned chicken like that for the rest of my life rather than be in the same building as Surströmming. There is video evidence of the totally revolting nature of this Swedish delicacy - or Weapon of Limited Destruction - on YouTube.

        Disclaimer: I punched 'Pause' on that video about two seconds in, before the guy even picked up the can. You have been warned!

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      do you really think those perfect, all identical, baby-cut carrots you get in some restaurants are prepared by hand in the restaurant itself? (They're either canned or frozen)

      1. keith_w
        Unhappy

        I am pretty sure they are regular adult carrots run through a die to shape them into baby carrots.

      2. Joe Loughry

        They're made on a carrot lathe.

    6. IanTP
      Joke

      Upvote for the Jasper Carrot reference! :)

    7. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. keith_w

        Check the sodium.

    8. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Was sent to buy a jar of diced carrots the other day. Had to stop myself thinking of Billy Connolly.

    9. Fungus Bob Silver badge

      "Wait - there's such a thing as canned carrots?

      Why?"

      For killing people, obviously...

  3. GSystems

    No Worries...

    It's a female who committed a murder... In the ol' U.S. women are hardly responsible for their actions and thus get far lighter sentences than men... It's the whole "equal protection under law" approach that has served us so well...

    My calculation: She'll be out just in time for her Social Security cheque...

    1. sabroni Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: No Worries...

      You poor old downtrodden male you.... Cry me a fucking river.

      1. sabroni Silver badge

        Re: No Worries...

        What's more irritating is that, despite the masculinist vibe of the OP there is a point to be made here. Apparently women do get lesser sentences for similar crimes: http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2144002"

        A single paper doesn't constitute irrefutable evidence by any standards, but it is certainly worth considering.

    2. Anonymous Blowhard

      Re: No Worries...

      "She'll be out just in time for her Social Security cheque"

      She won't need Social Security, she'll be pitching for the Dodgers...

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: No Worries...

      "In the ol' U.S. women are hardly responsible for their actions and thus get far lighter sentences than men"

      Perhaps interestingly the statistics show that men are 9 times as likely to be sent to prison as women, and 90.5% of murders are committed by men.

      More evidence is needed but your statement is hardly borne out.

  4. Alister Silver badge
    Boffin

    The episode serves to underline the fact that there are worse and more damaging things than spamming someone

    Hmm, I wouldn't be so sure, tins of Spam tend to be square, whereas tins of veg and soup are nearly always round, so I would suggest that being hit by a tin of Spam is potentially more damaging.

    I feel some further research may be necessary...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      More damaging than dead is just overkill

    2. TheOtherHobbes

      >tins of Spam tend to be square

      IME they tend to have rounded corners.

      It's incredible Apple allows them to continue this blatant patent infringement.

  5. Shadow Systems Silver badge

    She'll get off lightly...

    She'll tell the Judge she felt he needed more iron in his diet...

    I'll get my coat, it's the one with the tin of Chicken Noodle Soup in the pocket.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Any accident happend to my brother Jim,

    When someone through a tomatoe at him.

    Tomatoes are juicy and don't hurt the skin,

    But this one was specially packed in a tin.

    (with apologies to the late Spike Milligan)

    1. Chris Miller

      You spell tomatoe

      And I spell tomato ...

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Ian Emery Silver badge

        You missed through/throw.

        Where is the BC/ES lamp fitting on a cable c/w ceiling fixing when you need it??

      3. noominy.noom

        And they spell through, I spell threw.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    That will teach him not to criticise her cooking again.

    1. TitterYeNot
      Coat

      Well, it's certainly one way of teaching someone to mind their peas and Q's I suppose...

  8. Andy Non
    Trollface

    This thread is full of canned laughter.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    SHOCKING NEWS: Dieticians were right!

    Tinned food is bad for you!

  10. Richard Jones 1
    Joke

    Full of Canned Laughs

    It sounds a bit tinny to me*

    Apologies to those who think a tinny is something else - better!

    1. DuncanL

      Re: Full of Canned Laughs

      "Vegetables" has got a sort of *woody* quality about it. Much better than 'newspaper' or 'litter bin'.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

  11. ukgnome Silver badge

    What ever next?

    Death by squirrel!

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge

      Death by kitchen cupboard. At least that's what mine tried a couple of nights ago when I opened it and it rained tins down on me.

      I really must tidy it up one of these days...

      1. moiety

        Death by squirrel has been attempted already:

        http://www.express.co.uk/news/weird/450771/Man-stabbed-with-squirrel-after-returning-home-without-beer-on-Christmas-Eve

  12. DrBobK

    Infamous Leytonstone Drive-by Turnip Killing

    I'm disappointed that the vegetables were still in cans.

    http://www.aintnowaytogo.com/turnip.htm

  13. Ironclad
    Coat

    Conflict is not the answer.

    All we are saying, is give peas a chance.

  14. Tromos
    Joke

    Proof...

    ,,,that crisps are healthier than vegetables.

  15. chivo243 Silver badge
    Facepalm

    #10 cans?

    Must have been using the industrial sized #10 cans!

  16. PassiveSmoking
    Coat

    Had she attacked him with eggs, milk and flour, would she be on a charge for battery?

    Sorry.

    1. Jedit
      Coat

      "Had she attacked him with eggs, milk and flour, would she be on a charge for battery?"

      I don't like that recipe. As they say in Italy: needs more-a salt.

      (Yes, yes, that one was even worse.)

      1. Little Mouse

        Re: "Had she attacked him with eggs, milk and flour, would she be on a charge for battery?"

        "needs more-a salt"

        or maybe some sugar & a just a smidge of vanilla.

        Then we'd be talking custardy for sure.

        1. Jedit

          "Then we'd be talking custardy for sure."

          And she'd no doubt get her just desserts.

          1. Mike Moyle Silver badge

            Re: "Then we'd be talking custardy for sure."

            Well, THIS one is probably looking at years in the can, so...

        2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Happy

          Re: "Had she attacked him with eggs, milk and flour, would she be on a charge for battery?"

          or maybe some sugar & a just a smidge of vanilla.

          Then we'd be talking custardy for sure.

          I say, that's a trifle harsh...

  17. Crosseyed and Painless
    Coat

    Headline change

    Man killed by female meat and two veg

  18. Mark 85 Silver badge
    Devil

    This raises some questions...

    Were these the standard #10 can or the super large 1 gallon industrial size can? Were there additional weapons of vegetable destruction used? Will activists now march on Washington and demand vegetable control? Ban the cans!!!! or Ban the veggies!!!!

    1. Anonymous Blowhard

      Re: This raises some questions...

      The US is more likely to ban vegetables than guns; they may even ban things that protect people from guns: https://www.congress.gov/bill/113th-congress/house-bill/5344

      Still, medical advice is to get five servings of vegetables a day and plenty of iron.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: This raises some questions...

        Still, medical advice is to get five servings of vegetables a day and plenty of iron.

        I don't believe medical advice recommends those servings to be applied up against the side of your head.... or maybe they didn't tell us that...

  19. jake Silver badge

    Old joke.

    A man from London visited his brother who had relocated to the Salinas Valley in California. Marveling at the quantities of veggies in the rather large kitchen garden, he asked "What do you do with it all?" The reply was "We eat what we can, and what we can't, we can".

    Returning to London, he described the operation to his wife. She responded "what on earth do they do with all that food?. His reply? "They eat what they can, and what they can't they put up in little tins".

    (<barbie>Trans-Atlantic humo(u)r is HARD.</barbie>)

  20. John Sturdy
    Coat

    At least she didn't resort to triangular flapjacks.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Triangular flapjacks

      Thanks for the link. I'm glad to see HS&E standing up for commonsense in their usual robust way:

      "A spokesman for the Health and Safety Executive said: "We often come across half-baked decisions taken in the name of health and safety, but this one takes the biscuit.""

  21. Disko
    Thumb Down

    Another tragedy that can teach us important lessons...

    So from here on:

    1: any and all hard objects will have to be fitted with an appropriate warning label stating the risks of projectile impact if said object is thrown ("broken windows, bruises and death")

    2: males living with females are required to wear essential safety gear, including a helmet with protective visor, during the more torrentuous days of the month, the timeframe of which will have to be determined by a christian physician appointed by the NRA.

    3: males of any age will be required to attend "Sensitivity Training" so they learn the telltale signs - when to find a divorce attorney.

    4. a whole new meaning to the term duckface.

    5. why am i reading this on the Register, it's just tragic and unfortunate, there are no machines rising here, and the only pun i can detect is a halfwashed poke at vegetarians - is this a stab at Apple?

    1. AbelSoul
      Headmaster

      Re: why am i reading this on the Register

      Because....

      BOOTNOTES!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Another tragedy that can teach us important lessons...

      aye - cause men being attacked by women is a common story. Except it's not is it? Poor oppressed men my arse.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Another tragedy that can teach us important lessons...

        Social norms means that stories of violence against women are seen as tragic, no matter the circumstances or objects used. A double standard that i'm just as guilty of as anyone.

        Abuse of male spouses (mostly psychological) tends to be under reported due to the view that men who are abused were either asking for it or a particularly pathetic individual and as such a laughing stock.

        Even if men are only 1% of the abused it still doesn't make women right to do the abusing, it just means more work is needed to prevent this from happening at all, regardless of the gender involved.

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

  22. This post has been deleted by its author

  23. Anonymous IV

    I suspect that the lady, in an instant ...

    ... put an end to all the boyfriend's canoodling!

    (Those readers under fifty, look it up!)

  24. This post has been deleted by its author

  25. Zot
    IT Angle

    Death by flying, filled metal containers...

    ...is a bit Croc Dundee, but it's hardly death by vegetables is it? But I guess it wouldn't be as funny.

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Needs to work on her technique...

    A bit amateurish really, using canned veg and not even removing them from the tin; a true professional would have used a fresh carrot, as demonstrated by Clive Owen's character in the movie Shoot 'Em Up... ;)

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    http://imgur.com/Jvxgtoq

  28. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    American Woman Soups-Up Boyfriend (To Death)!

    "I just wanted him to sleep in heavenly peas."

  29. x 7 Silver badge

    I'm surprised she didn't eat a tin of spinach first to give her the strength

  30. John Tserkezis

    So vegetables ARE bad for you.

    Our parents lied to us.

  31. cortland

    I once saw a person who had been rendered unconscious and in uncontrollable spasms after being hit on the temple with a jar of mayonnaise. CPR was needed to be sure he could breathe, and (luckily) it was effective.

    1. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

      Good job it cut the mustard then.

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