back to article Zionists stole my SHOE, claims Muslim campaigner

Sometimes there's only one rational explanation for not finding your shoe: obviously, Zionists working within a global conspiracy must have taken it. At least this was the explanation put forward by Asghar Bukhari, founder of lobby group the Muslim Public Affairs Committee, on a Facebook rant (now seemingly not there any more …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Maybe he should have consulted his dog first?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Unlikely

      Dogs are considered unclean.

      Anon. Oh, come on, would you like a fatwa up your backside?

      1. Seth Johnson

        Re: Unlikely

        I'll "bite" as I've read a bit about this recently. Yes Muslims are not allowed to keep dogs except as working dogs.

        And 'fatwa' is closer in translation to 'educated religious opinion', rather than the common understanding. So eg whether or not a muslim fasting during Ramadan is allowed to use ear drops or eye drops would come under the approprite 'fatwa'.

      2. Matt Bryant Silver badge
        Boffin

        Re: AC Re: Unlikely

        "Dogs are considered unclean....." Well, mainly yes but also no. Just as there are many branches of Christianity with a common core but differing details of belief, so too there are different "schools" of Islam with different approaches to animals. The Maliki Sunnis don't view dogs as unclean, indeed they value them for their loyalty. The common Muslim insistence that dogs are "unclean" probably stems from a pre-Islamic Arab superstition that black dogs were the embodiment of evil and messengers for Allat, the ancient Arabic goddess of the underworld.

    2. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

      Something similar happened

      in [The Hound of the Baskervilles].

      So, better forbear from crossing the moor in those dark hours when the powers of evil are exalted, then.

    3. Sleep deprived
      Happy

      That happened with one of my sandals...

      while sea kayaking. At night, a fox (perhaps from Mossad?) had dragged one of them along a trail, until he decided he had no use for a size 12 and dropped it.

  2. Doogs
    Joke

    "El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for a comment"

    Wonder if having Mossad annoyed at you is worse than having Apple annoyed at you...

    1. John H Woods

      Re: "El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for a comment"

      Expect to see a bit more focus on fibreglass cars in the motoring section ...

  3. Khaptain Silver badge

    Description of the thief

    The police have issued a description of a man wearing a large furry hat, what appears to be dreadlocks ( 2 of), has only one leg, impeccable lock picking skills, capable of hopping very silently, speaks Yiddish and has a severely bad taste in shoes.

    Now that cant be to hard to pick out, in fact I think I can see him trying to escape

  4. Tromos
    Joke

    Round up all the usual suspects

    The one-legged ones, that is.

  5. Alister Silver badge
    Joke

    He has given us a sign!

    He has given us a sign!

    He has given us...his shoe!

    The shoe is the sign! Let us follow his example!

    What?

    Let us like him, hold up one shoe and let the other one be upon our foot, for this is his sign that all who follow him shall do likewise!

    1. Peter Storm

      !

      He's not a Mossad agent, he's just a very naughty boy!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: He has given us a sign!

      No, no, no. The shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance.

      1. g e

        Re: He has given us a sign!

        I've got a gourd.... ?

  6. auburnman

    gloabl? Come on.

    I realise deadline and money pressures are squeezing the proofreading process, but this clearly hasn't even been spell-checked.

    1. Matt Bryant Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: auburnman Re: gloabl? Come on.

      "I realise deadline and money pressures are squeezing the proofreading process, but this clearly hasn't even been spell-checked." I suspect the author was having problems typing due to being doubled over in mirth. However, it does come across as a bit tragic that - having read the silliness of Mr Bukhari's post - you only saw fit to comment on a typo.

      1. auburnman
        Trollface

        Re: auburnman gloabl? Come on.

        It's all worth it to see something as rare as rocking horse shit - a Matt Bryant post with no downvotes and not insulting anyone (if we let 'a bit tragic' slide.) :)

        1. Matt Bryant Silver badge
          Devil

          Re: aubunrman Re: auburnman gloabl? Come on.

          "....a Matt Bryant post with no downvotes...." I assume the usual supporters of "the oppressed" were too busy counting their shoes to post.

    2. PleebSmash

      Re: gloabl? Come on.

      Kat Hall is in on the conspiracy

  7. TeeCee Gold badge
    Facepalm

    Does anyone listen?

    I don't know which likelihood is worse here:

    1) He genuinely believes that and people still listen to him.

    2) He's a piece of shit-stirring scum and people still listen to him.

    Next week: Having realised that this makes him look even more of a twat than usual, he claims that Mossad hacked his Faceberk account and posted that to discredit him....

    1. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Does anyone listen?

      Idiots listen to idiots. Always have, always will.

      There's gonna be a ton of people stupid enough, paranoid enough, or otherwise religiously/politically enraged to pay attention to this prat.

      Is he going to retract this when he finds his shoe down the back of the shoe rack or under the dog bed? Fuck no. After all, the only thing worse than looking like a twat, is looking like a twat twice.

      1. Matt Bryant Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Jimmy2Cows Re: Does anyone listen?

        "....Is he going to retract this when he finds his shoe down the back of the shoe rack or under the dog bed?...." Of course not! He will justify it to himself by claiming that the Zionists put it back again just to further mess with him. That kind of delusional behaviour is self-perpetuating, the only hope is that Mr Bukhari will amuse us with another hilarious post when the shoe is "evilly" returned.

    2. william 10

      Re: Does anyone listen?

      It's not he believes, its a fact we have all listened to him (we may not believe him) and this disturbs me!

      I keep remembering the story about Paul Gascoigne and his so called paranoia over having his phone hacked - every one said this was part of his mental illness yet the Daily Mirror had to pay him £180K in compensation because they hacked his phone.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ???

    Slow news day folks???

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Coat

      Re: ???

      Nope. It was a slow shoes day...

      OK. OK. I'll get my coat. Just a minute. Where's my coat? Who's stolen my coat!?!

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thank God for atheism.

    1. wolfetone

      Good point, because if religion didn't exist we could use their nationalities instead.

      1. Khaptain Silver badge

        Or the colour of our skin, or our genders, our weight, height, eye colour, breathing pattern, ionic distribution spread etc etc

        We will always find a means to segregate, it's in our nature.

        1. Yugguy

          Exactly - the belief that if religion didn't exist we'd be living in some form of rational utopia is daft. Humans will always find a way to hate other humans - for instance the Khmer Rouge.

        2. BrownishMonstr Bronze badge

          Yeah, like the dumb are anti-scrub and the wise are pro-scrub.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        @ wolfetone

        I prefer to think for myself instead of someone else telling me what to think, rational persuasion and religious doctrine are juxtaposed terms.

        1. wolfetone

          @Mine's A Guinness

          I don't really care to be honest.

    2. Tom 13

      To date, atheists have killed more people than all other religions combined. Yes, that includes all the casualties on both sides of the crusades.

  10. petur
    Coat

    Next week

    Next week, he will claim they broke in again and hid the shoe behind the couch! Them bastards!!!11!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Next week

      Looking on the bright side, presumably George Bush has got some single shoes that he could send this bloke? And on that point, is the bloke sure he hasn't thrown his own shoe at an American president and simply forgotten?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Anyone remember the Sunday Sport ?

    For some reason I am reminded of two "stories" they ran. The first was

    "WW2 bomber found ON MOON" (with appropriate photo evidence).

    Then the next week, the headline was "WW2 bomber found on Moon DISAPPEARS" which led into an article seriously examining the "possible" explanations

    1) That the bomber has been removed by the same forces that got it there

    2) That the bomber was still operational and flying over the moon

    or

    3) The photo (last weeks) was a FAKE.

    The fact that they served 3 explanations to their readership tells you all you need to know.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Anyone remember the Sunday Sport ?

      Ah, the good old Sunday Sport...

      My favourite headline was "Vampire 3-in-a-bed Sex Scandal".

      1. paulf Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Anyone remember the Sunday Sport ?

        My favourite was when they reported this:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQo6t9vcZYc

        as "Anthea Turner's head explodes"

        These days I prefer Viz - at least they don't pretend what they're publishing isn't bollocks.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Anyone remember the Sunday Sport ?

          yeah but Viz aint as funny as it used to be and the price!!

          Mind, the rogers thesaurus is worth its weight in unobtanium.

          Corgi registered: Services old boilers... PMSL

      2. cd

        Re: Anyone remember the Sunday Sport ?

        US supermarket paper: "Statue of Elvis Found On Mars"

  12. Rich 11 Silver badge

    El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

    Find someone who speaks Hebrew, Arabic, Russian or (as a last resort) French:

    https://www.mossad.gov.il/pages/contactus.aspx

    1. Groaning Ninny

      Re: El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

      I clicked the little "EN" image in one corner to get:

      https://www.mossad.gov.il/eng/pages/encontactus.aspx

      Ahem.

    2. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      Re: El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

      "El Reg did not receive a comment from Mossad." FTFY

      Come on, they're a spy agency, saying "I wonder if we can get a comment from Mossad?" in a moderate voice is probably enough to get their attention.

      1. Fink-Nottle

        Re: El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

        In late breaking news, a Mossad spokesman said "You've got to pick a pocket or two, boys. You've got to pick a pocket or shoe."

      2. Captain DaFt

        Re: El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

        How to tell Mossad has contacted El Reg:

        When the author of this article finds his keys missing from his pocket, only later to find them under a couch cushion.

  13. dotdavid

    "on a Facebook rant (now seemingly not there any more)"

    Mossad stole it?

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Now it becomes clear.

    Terrorists have a back door into my washing machine. Every other wash cycle, they steal one sock.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Now it becomes clear.

      They are constantly putting new hangers in my wardrobe.

      1. Chris Miller

        Re: Now it becomes clear.

        And moving my spectacles from room to room.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: Now it becomes clear.

          So that's what happens to the TV remote controller? It's Al Qaeda I tell you!

          1. theblackhand Silver badge

            Re: Now it becomes clear.

            In Al Qaeda's defence (how often do you hear that....), they were only hiding your remote control to thwart Mossad's attempts at hiding your remote control.

            1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
              Black Helicopters

              Re: Now it becomes clear.

              With all the attention-grabbing keywords already on this thread, did you really want to be typing "in Al Qaeda's defence"?

              Oh bugger! I said it now. Will people please STOP saying Jehovah!

              1. Eddy Ito Silver badge
                Coat

                Re: Now it becomes clear.

                Oh bugger! I said it now.

                Nothing left to do but wait for the other shoe to drop.

                The one with a single loafer in the pocket.

              2. Mark 85 Silver badge
                Devil

                Re: Now it becomes clear.

                Now that everyone has attracted the attention of NSA, GHCQ, and other alphabet agenies... I'm wondering is somewhere there's an operative reading this and thinking... "hide one shoe... what a great idea... Hey boss!!!!!".. I suggest everyone lock your shoes up at night just to be safe.

                1. 404 Silver badge
                  Black Helicopters

                  Re: Now it becomes clear.

                  Why would you do that? One shoe comes up missing, you'll know for SURE they're watching... always watching...

  15. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

    Looks like

    Evil deeds are afoot

  16. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
    Black Helicopters

    Look behind you!

    If I were in his shoe, I would leave the country immediately.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Don't tell anyone but...

    Russians stole one of my shoes recently, they only found it's location from some super top secret encrypted data leaked by an analyst a few years ago...

    I liked that shoe as well, maybe I should have moved it around a bit.

  18. Joe Harrison

    Stasi

    The East German secret police routinely used the tactic of "Zersetzung" which means breaking in and moving your stuff around in subtle but noticeable ways. The message was simple "we know where you live". The more the target protested the more they hoped everyone would write him off as a nutter. It does seem to have worked very effectively this time on El Reg readership.

    1. Chris Miller
      Alien

      Re: Stasi

      The Bilderberg lizard-people use the same trick. They're everywhere, I tells you!

    2. smartypants

      Re: Stasi

      Stasi in 'WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE' shocker.

      Seriously, was there anyone who was in any question about whether the secret police had their address?

      Next week, more revelations. Find out about the man who discovered that British Gas had his address.

      1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

        Re: Stasi

        The Stasi also used to steal people's underwear* so they had a smell sample for their tracker dogs. There was a program on TV that showed all these jars with grubby kecks in them.

        * And socks? Somebody's certainly stolen a few of mine.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Devil

          Re: Stasi

          There was a program on TV that showed all these jars with grubby kecks in them.

          I hope the East German economy was able to produce air-fresheners in sufficient quantity to allow Stasi HQ to remain habitable.

          I'm presuming this putrid pandora's box of puissantly ponging pants was stored in Room 101?

    3. JimmyPage Silver badge
      Big Brother

      Re: "Zersetzung"

      A trick also used by the Manson family. They called it "creepy crawling"

      https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/2g0k08/til_the_manson_family_did_burglary_missions_they/

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: "Zersetzung"

        I didn't realise the Manson family also did it. I know it was a common tactic for the Stasi, and I believe the KGB played similar games.

        Although did anyone else read, "the Manson family" and immediately try and think which sitcom that was? Just me then? Even if I say duh-duh de dum and click my fingers twice?

  19. Iain
    Black Helicopters

    Breaking News!!

    It's been found!

    https://www.facebook.com/MPACUK1Ummah/videos/1598546493747579/?pnref=story

  20. kryptonaut
    Coat

    Maybe...

    Maybe they were his best beach sandals - with only one shoe, he just flipped.

    1. Alister Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Maybe...

      with only one shoe, he just flipped.

      That was a bit of a flop...

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Happy

        Re: Maybe...

        thomeone should write a thong about that...

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Could This Be The Explanation?

    I wonder if they've also been stealing my socks.

    1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
      Alien

      Re: Could This Be The Explanation?

      I've heard they may be useful to aliens as fuel for their spaceships (if your name is Al Bundy, at least).

  22. suferick

    Apple has no assassination squads (that I know of)

    1. phuzz Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      Oh yeah, then who killed Bill Gates and replaced him with and exact duplicate then eh?

      1. MrDamage
        Mushroom

        Larry Page. You want proof? Larry has his own volcano lair. What more proof do you need?

  23. Gideon 1

    C'mon, any fool knows that the real Mossad calling card is a shekel on the pillow... especially intimidating if you wake up to find it on your pillow.

  24. John Savard Silver badge

    For all I know, not only is he unlikely to own a dog, but perhaps he left his two shoes in an obvious and visible place when he went to bed, and so it really is reasonable to conclude that the shoe was removed as a psychological intimidation tactic by someone who didn't like him.

    And if he doesn't owe money to a drug dealer or anything like that, maybe his further conclusion that it was because of his politics is reasonable too.

    Naming Mossad, or thinking they'd go to the bother, yes, that's a stretch. But for all I know, he might not be quite as bonkers as he might initially seem.

    1. ian 22

      Apply Occam's razor, and you'll agree it was poltergeists. Clearly the simplest explanation! Either that or MI5.

  25. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    IT angle?

    Is it about sneakernet, or did he have one of those special shoes like Maxwell Smart's in the 1960s US TV show?

    1. ian 22

      Re: IT angle?

      Hmm, sneakernet! Must have dropped a packet. Clearly he's using Unreliable Delivery Protocol (UDP).

  26. Seth Johnson

    A few pointers

    1. This is actually a thing. As strange as it seems, this is actually something that has been done in the past as a form of psychological harm/punishment. So yes, oddly enough this does occur. Israeli agents active in the UK? Wouldn't doubt that for a second. And it's specific to shoes! For the record I'm the sort of person that never loses anything and if a shoe went missing then yep I could easily spend a day wondering how that was possible.

    2. This guy is a well known 'agitant of the state'. From what I can tell, he's a massive thorn in the side of people like Theresa May and a well known protestor/activist for civil rights. He's bound to be under a serious level of monitoring given the current political climate as not only is he politically but obviously he's Muslim.

    3. Is he paranoid? He pretty much has every reason to be paranoid because of the aforementioned reasons. They tap phones so his is probably tapped. They've used undercover agents to have long term relationships with potential enemies of the state and even have children with them so yes that's probably something he has to think about as well.

    4. we have pretty much declared war on Islam in it's current form. (http://www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/monograph_reports/2005/MR1716.pdf). And by us I mean UK as an extension of american foreign policy.

    From a wider perspective, there's a lot of people in this country that hate muslims or hate brown people or hate immigrants or hate religion and blame them for their ills particularly if said group chooses to live in a different way or if the media representation of such a group is particularly derogatory. It's a dumb narrative as there's 1.6 billion muslims in the world from every walk of life and one thing that I certainly do agree with this guy on is the danger and idiocy of Islamophobia.

    1. Gideon 1

      Re: A few pointers

      " It's a dumb narrative as there's 1.6 billion muslims in the world from every walk of life and one thing that I certainly do agree with this guy on is the danger and idiocy of Islamophobia."

      That's an implied threat against anyone who questions that religion. It is a regression to pre-Enlightenment attitudes of religious repression of thought and speech.

      1. Seth Johnson

        Re: A few pointers

        Even that comment is based on a level of general ignorance. Islam has been around for 1400 years. There's a rich history of dialogue and conversation. There are people who aren't muslim, living in muslim countries as they have done for over a thousand years.

        The current narrative of 'muslim people kill everyone who doesn't agree with them' is medieval in it's origin.

        And as for enlightenment, it was Muslim scientists that were at the forefront of the Rennaisance in Europe as experts in many modern disciplines will tell you.

        1. Gideon 1

          Re: A few pointers

          Before making accusations of ignorance, may I suggest that you first research the Koran, the Hadiths, and the culture. There are exhortations of the 'kill everyone who doesn't agree with them' type in there, thankfully most submitters to the religion don't do that these days. Along with the positives, there is also a rich history of jihad, subjugation of women and minorities, and other things that Western culture consider to be negative.

          1. Seth Johnson

            Re: A few pointers

            There are 1.6 Billion muslims in the world co-existing quite happily in every corner of it as they have done for over a thousand years. You're so fixed on the idea that 'they are all bad' that you can't see the reality of the world in front of you.

            Consider, even before the global catastrophe that is zionism, there were still Jewish communities living in Jerusalem one of the holiest places in Islam as they had done for centuries under islamic rule. So you have two possible reasons.

            1. Muslims were so lazy about following those instructions you're so keen on that they didn't follow them through and 'cleanse' the region of jewish people and druze people etc.

            2. Those religious instructions are perhaps related to extreme circumstances such as war and invasion (when pretty much every society changes its rules). Unsurprisingly, this is the standard explanation.

            If you "learn" purely with the intention of proving your own pre-taught bigoted views then that isn't learning at all. You might as well sit there and google why black people are inferior to whites. It's time to grow up and use a bit more brain and a bit less 'the tv told me so'.

            http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V3BA8IkoZx4/VXSylCeapjI/AAAAAAAABik/JUH_dsaFWjs/s1600/dilbert%2Binternet%2Bguy.jpg

          2. NumptyScrub

            Re: A few pointers

            Before making accusations of ignorance, may I suggest that you first research the Koran, the Hadiths, and the culture. There are exhortations of the 'kill everyone who doesn't agree with them' type in there, thankfully most submitters to the religion don't do that these days. Along with the positives, there is also a rich history of jihad, subjugation of women and minorities, and other things that Western culture consider to be negative.

            You realise that every one of those negatives is equally as true of Christianity (and Judaism), right? All of those negatives are the prevalent attitudes from when the books were written, not specific to the ideology.

            The UK didn't abolish slavery until 1833, we only stopped subjugating people less than 200 years ago, even though we have allegedly been "Christian" for over a thousand.

            I've not found a single religion I was 100% comfortable with, afaict they all have dark sides and ropey adherents :'(

    2. Kubla Cant Silver badge

      Re: A few pointers

      there's 1.6 billion muslims in the world from every walk of life

      Including, presumably, the one-shoe hobble.

  27. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

    Has he looked for his shoe in places that are a mile from his home?

    After all, it might just be someone trying to sympathise with his viewpoint and taking everything a little too literally.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: Has he looked for his shoe in places that are a mile from his home?

      In that case, I blame Google translate...

      If you want to truly understand someone, first hop a mile in their shoe, then fall over.

      1. Steven Raith

        Re: Has he looked for his shoe in places that are a mile from his home?

        Maybe they were Seventh Day Advent Hoppists trying to live in his world for a while and spread their good word?

        Steven R

  28. Simon Rockman

    It's not the shoes..

    It's the socks which go missing

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01R_lP51Pw0

  29. Gis Bun

    Can you say crackpot.

  30. Toastan Buttar

    "Mossad" is the Israeli word for "Gnomes"

    1. Collect one shoe of a pair

    2. ?

    3. Profit

  31. Tom 13

    This article reminds me of the Steven Wright joke:

    Somebody broke into my house, stole everything, and replaced it with exact duplicates.

    Except of course Wright was intentionally trying to be funny.

    As for me, I'm off to buy some batteries. I bought some last night, but they weren't included.

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