back to article INTERNET of BOOBS: Scorching French lass reveals networked bikini

The French have updated their classic two-piece swimsuit with a networked version which will inform its wearers when they need to apply sunscreen. The connected bikini (en français, bikini connecté) contains a removable and (wisely) waterproof UV sensor which will measure when its wearers may need to lather themselves in …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Why IoT

    This has no need whatsoever for a connection anywhere. A simple built in buzzer would do perfectly well.

    1. ratfox Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: Why IoT

      For that matter, a "you need sunscreen" tattoo would also work.

    2. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Why IoT

      A simple built in buzzer would do perfectly well.

      Which raises the question of where exactly the buzzer should be placed.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Why IoT

        Well seeing as the objective is to dissuade users from getting sunburnt, probably not in the place you are thinking of.

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

      3. davemcwish

        Buzzer position

        Ford have already thought of it's location

        https://youtu.be/WemMcrkjWCM

      4. Zot

        Re: Why IoT

        Yeah, we got the joke.

    3. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

      Re: Why IoT

      Because Boobs (SFW-ish link because it's Friday)

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

  2. Voland's right hand Silver badge

    Wrong picture

    The picture on the article has nothing French in it

    This one is a better match: https://flavorwire.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/brigitte_bardot7.jpg?w=360&h=480

    Yeah, I know, "And God Created Woman". The Merylin picture on the article is at least several years later on.

  3. frank ly Silver badge

    That video ....

    .... is very light on detailed technical explanation. I had to watch it three times and pause to examine the computer screens.

    1. Graham Marsden
      Thumb Down

      Re: That video ....

      And you'll have noticed that, as is usual for such things, the models are trying to look glamourous and sexy whilst standing on a freezing beach on a mostly over-cast day with a gale blowing, probably in the middle of winter :-(

    2. VinceH Silver badge

      Re: That video ....

      "and pause to examine the computer screens."

      And you wouldn't have got any technical explanations from doing that - it was just GUI-related stuff AFAICS.

      1. Michael B.

        Re: That video ....

        ...and it needs serious refactoring. They have just copy and pasted the same file creation code changing just the file name. Don't get me started on the use of "form1" and "form21" instead of something non-generic.

        1. stanimir

          Re: That video ....

          also seems to be Windows related due to backslash use.

  4. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    Pockets?

    Does the bikini come with a waterproof pocket for the smartphone that receives the messages?

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Re: Pockets?

      This, for a 5" phone will no longer be a bikini. Unless it is sized to fit a Kardashian "Imperial Drednought" displacement a**e of course.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Pockets?

        "Unless it is sized to fit a Kardashian "Imperial Drednought" displacement a**e of course."

        The video gave me a reality check. I had almost forgotten that young women could be slim without being the media image"heroin-chic". My daily walk reveals a preponderance of the new "extended" size in both sexes.

    2. Bloakey1

      Re: Pockets?

      The gusset is stitched on one side only, allowing ingress and egress for a variety of technical devices and hamster hammocks.

      I do not know, I think it all looks like a big con [1].

      1.Gratuitous French joke that will be understood by those of a Latin inclination.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Pockets?

        "I do not know, I think it all looks like a big con "

        Jaques Chirac?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Pockets?

      "Does the bikini come with a waterproof pocket for the smartphone that receives the messages?"

      Why? My phones are waterproof. Who in their right senses would take a phone that wasn't waterproof or dustproof to a beach?

  5. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. TRT Silver badge

      It uses...

      The Internet of Things Network Interface Protocol System or TITNIPS for short.

      Of course there was a brief misunderstanding over a typographical error which saw them developing for The Internet of Thighs, but that was soon rectified.

  6. Charlie Clark Silver badge

    Basic flaw

    If you're already exposed to strong UV, it's usually too late to start applying sun cream as that takes a few minutes to be effective. A dog-tag worn round the neck or attached to the shoulder straps, similar to a radiation detector, probably makes more sense as it measures the actual UV exposure rather than the intensity probably makes more sense.

    Still, full marks for suggesting that the software was developed by women (I've no idea whether it was or not and I'm not suggesting it wasn't).

  7. Alistair Dabbs

    The bikini isn't French

    It's an Italian invention.

    1. Spleen

      Re: The bikini isn't French

      According to a documentary I saw starring Raquel Welch, prehistoric women were wearing bikinis a million and-a-bit years ago. So neither country invented it, merely brought it back into fashion.

    2. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Re: The bikini isn't French

      Err no - 1946 France, Paris (if wikipedia is to be believed).

      What really brought it to the mainstream was Brigitte Bardot 1953 Cannes film festival photoshoot,

      Rachel Welch is more than a decade later.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The bikini isn't French

        if wikipedia is to be believed

        And there's where any argument you thought that you had, falls over ...

    3. Bloakey1

      Re: The bikini isn't French

      Yes it is old chap.

      Twas named after Bikini Atol in the mid 40s and I think it was 'invented' by a French engineer called Louis Réard who had a bit too much time on his hand and access to bohemian crumpet as models. Bikini Atoll was 'a la mode' at the time due to French testing of nuclear bombs.

      Now the Italians invented the tank with rear view mirrors so that they could see the enemy in 'front ' of them. It had 1 speed forward and 6 reverse I seem to recall .

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The bikini isn't French

        Two piece swimsuits became fashionable in the 1920/30s. However - the ancient Romans had them too - in leather.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villa_Romana_del_Casale

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Leather bikinis

          I need to take a cold shower - those Romans were kinky

        2. Simon Harris Silver badge

          Re: The bikini isn't French

          Looks like the Romans invented skateboards too...

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villa_Romana_del_Casale#/media/File:Villa_romana_skier.jpg

        3. Adolph Clickbait

          Re: The bikini isn't French

          Oh come on, what have the Romans ever done for us.

      2. TRT Silver badge

        Re: The bikini isn't French

        He was Swiss. He was born Louis VeRéreard.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The bikini isn't French - @Bloakey1

        Your post appears to say that the French were testing nuclear bombs at Bikini Atoll in the mid-40s. I think they were actually otherwise engaged at the time.

        The "joke" about Italian tanks is pretty tired, though to be fair to the Italians I was once at a motorcycle show with an Italian colleague, and as we looked at the MV Agusta 500 he remarked "You know people make jokes about the Italian Army, but we certainly do make the world's best getaway vehicles."

  8. thomas k
    Headmaster

    lather?

    Unless the suntan lotion also contains soap, I think 'slather' is the word you want.

  9. Michael Thibault

    There's a lot you can see when there's nothing to do.

    I've heard of sunburn, and I've heard of people being sunburned/sunburnt, but I've never heard of the process being "witnessed".

    1. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

      Re: There's a lot you can see when there's nothing to do.

      Sometimes its even notarised -- generally by the git who writes a rude word on you in sunblock.

    2. Bloakey1

      Re: There's a lot you can see when there's nothing to do.

      I strongly disagree. I often hang around on beaches witnessing finely turned bottoms and boobs. In fact my case comes up next week and the prosecution have summoned various witnesses.

      1. Michael Thibault

        Re: There's a lot you can see when there's nothing to do.

        @Bloakey1

        One thing bothers me about your (current) case, though: in order to qualify as witnesses, wouldn't those same people have had to spend as much time, in the same location as you, doing approximately the same amount of "witnessing" as you are alleged to have done? That would be creepy, no? Just askin', like.

  10. Naselus

    Internet of Boobs

    I thought the Internet of Boobs was just the internet, tbh.

  11. Allan George Dyer Silver badge

    Temperature?

    Wouldn't sensing UV be more useful? The occasions when the wearer finishes a swim and there's a nice, cooling breeze comes to mind.

    1. Simon Harris Silver badge

      Re: Temperature?

      And what about those foolish enough to get their kit off at the top of a mountain? Plenty of sunlight but a bit parky apparently!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Temperature?

        Needs gps with a warning when your getting your kit off in a country with more conservative views....

        1. Naughtyhorse

          Re: Temperature?

          surely a seismograph will suffice for that

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Temperature?

            "surely a seismograph will suffice for that"

            This is what gets me about the whole thing.

            If there had been no earthquake, would there have been no prosecution?

            What if the local god had actually thought "Nice pair of boobs, for that I'll downgrade this one from a 7 to a 5.3"?

            Having seen what happpened in Italy, with seismologists locked up for the crime of working in an imperfect science, I do wonder whether the truth of this is that people go apeshit irrational over earthquakes and the foreigners would have been in trouble no matter what they had done, simply because the credibility of the local headman depends on somebody having done something to cause the wrath of the God, otherwise it looks like it's all a bit random and his conduit to the deity looks a bit useless.

            They were all a little bit silly but I think that the major mistake of the unfortunate young aeronautical engineer was of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

        2. Paul Hovnanian Silver badge

          Re: Temperature?

          "Needs gps with a warning"

          That could have saved some mountain climbers a bit of trouble caused by their overexposure.

        3. Tim Jenkins

          Re: Temperature?

          What really annoys me about that bunch of over-entitled twits was not a) their disrobing on a 'sacred mountain' or b) their posting pics of said dishabille to social media but c) their casual assumption that no-one in Malaysia is on the Internet and so wouldn't notice...

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Temperature?

            Tim, what makes you call them over-entitled?

            But yes to point (c).

            Plus presumably the local god is now online since there were no seismic results as far as I know when some of us young men and women were behaving badly in the 1970s.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As usual with these adverts...

    I'd forgo the product in preference to its contents :)

  13. Yugguy

    or you could just USE YOUR *^&ING BRAIN

    We really are rushing headlong into a WallE world.

    I don't need a bloody reminder as, not being a complete IMBECILE, I can remember when I last applied suncream

    I do appreciate the gratuituous Monroe pic though.

    1. Bloakey1

      Re: or you could just USE YOUR *^&ING BRAIN

      You could also use your Iphone.

      Set it to ring an alarm when you are ready to turn over and also to remind you to post on Facebook that you are turning over. You could also set smaller incremental alarms to tell you to update your tanning progress on Twitter and you could use your selfie stick to scratch your pudendum or pudenda when you can't be arsed moving.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: or you could just USE YOUR *^&ING BRAIN

      "We really are rushing headlong into a WallE world."

      When people have an automaton to do some job then they lose their own skill at that task. Eventually they trust it even when it is patently wrong eg GPS.

      Unless the suntan sensor works on the effect of UV on the exposed area of skin then it will give a false sense of security. People apply suntan blocker in varying amounts - and it tends to wash off after a dip.

      The result would probably be more people being sunburned.

  14. Bloakey1

    Hmmmm. What Flag is That.

    Is that girl in the purple carrying an ISIS flag? Could it be the ISIS female beach suicide squad [1] motto "does my bomb look big in this? [2.]"?

    1. الشاطئ الإناث فرقة انتحارية

    2.لا قنبلة شكلي كبيرة في هذا

  15. jake Silver badge

    "the e-kini will record the temperature"

    WTF does temperature have to do with UV exposure?

    I managed to get sunburned halfway down Denali ... at -25F (-32C).

    1. Justicesays

      Re: "the e-kini will record the temperature"

      In a bikini?

      Seems a bit excessive even for you.

    2. Simon Harris Silver badge

      Re: "the e-kini will record the temperature"

      "WTF does temperature have to do with UV exposure?"

      And anyway, if the sensor is stuck in the bikini won't it be measuring body temperature?

      I know skin temperature is generally a bit below core temperature, and varies from place to place, so I'll put myself forward for conducting temperature measuring experiments on areas of the body normally in contact with the bikini. Purely in the name of science and sensor calibration of course :)

  16. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Joke

    So who will be the first to hack this device

    or the attendant app to broadcast "This girl is HOT" including temperature data to boys nearby (just so they can then gallantly offer to apply the suntan lotion, of course).

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: So who will be the first to hack this device

      I can think of a more effective monitor than temperature for that… Available shortly in Japan, no doubt.

      Mine's the dirty grey mac with suncream and tissues in the pocket!

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: So who will be the first to hack this device

      The communication over the internet will be encrypted. With the somewhat personal nature of wearable etech this will be an ideal place to roll out The Internet of Things Wide Area Network Key Exchange Resolution (TITWANKER)

  17. Chris G Silver badge

    Just being helpful

    I was thinking of providing an app so that when the bikini calls for the aplication of sun block, it will forward the call to me, whereupon I will apply the cream.

    I reserve the right to decline customers who are: male, not good looking, hairy armpits,have a large irate boyfriend/husband etc.

  18. macjules Silver badge
    Facepalm

    And the English version is ...?

    RainyApp: Tells you the best time to put your thermals on.

    1. OrneryRedGuy
      Coat

      Re: And the English version is ...?

      I thought that was done once. It turned out just display a static HTML page reading "NOW".

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Male version...

    Will they be supplying a male Speedo which advises when a gentlemen should apply his special "sunscreen" to the bikini clad companion?

  20. thomas k
    Joke

    We can call it ... wait for it ...

    An over the shoulder IoT holder?

  21. Tempest8008
    Thumb Up

    IoT? Or just human interaction...

    "Excuse me mademoiselle, you appear to be getting a sunburn. You might want to put on some sunscreen or step inside for a while."

    Wow. That would have done the same thing!

    And it didn't require anyone to wire up their bikini or create an app for it.

    Yes. Talking. It works!

  22. hi_robb

    hmm

    Did someone say there was bikinis in that vid?

    I never noticed them....

  23. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge
    Trollface

    Zooming in closer, closer, closer

    Is that Pascal?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Zooming in closer, closer, closer

      Borland Delphi, actually. And badly written at that (duplicate code and generic, meaningless object names).

      1. stanimir

        Re: Zooming in closer, closer, closer

        actually very badly: "if form21.reseau.checked then begin". If you get to "form21", you must be true hard-a-core.

  24. TRT Silver badge

    That bloke sounds like a c***

    I just watched this woman burn...?

    Arsehole.

  25. Maryland, USA

    A new feature will point the lass to nearby lads who volunteer to apply it.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "A new feature will point the lass to nearby lads who volunteer to apply it."

      Gives Tinder a more historical meaning.

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