back to article Apple Watch: Exactly how many vids does it take to teach a fanboi to tell the time?

A mini-series of tutorial videos has appeared on the Apple website, giving step-by-tap instructions on how to use the new shiny wristjob. All the videos have the same super-high Apple production quality and patronising voice-overs, telling you things like “to read the time you don’t even need to switch it on”. In the message …

  1. armyknife

    Titles are for toffs

    "Stop vigorous wrist agitation long enough to allow you to attach watch to said wrist"

    1. eJ2095

      Re: Titles are for toffs

      So you can now work out how many miles it takes u to erm... turn your watch on.....

  2. gnasher729 Silver badge

    Look like Tag Heuer

    If you want an Apple Watch to look like a Tag Heuer watch, then I think Tag Heuer has a word to say about that. I'm quite sure that if the company wants to, they can put a Tag Heuer watch face on the AppStore and sell it. They might not want to, and I bet it wouldn't be cheap. But I think there would be a market for really top quality watch faces being sold for not insignificant amounts of money.

    1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Re: Look like Tag Heuer

      But I think there would be a market for really top quality watch faces being sold for not insignificant amounts of money.

      I suspect that market would collapse soon, either under the weight of IP lawyers or by the release of an SDK so people can cook up their own watch faces (that is probably the watch app development equivalent of "Hello world").

      1. ThomH Silver badge

        Re: Look like Tag Heuer

        I fear we'll be back in the iTunes land, of: you know that song, the one you already own and didn't buy from Apple? Sure, you can use it as a ringtone, for the low low price of 79p.

        1. ST Silver badge

          Re: Look like Tag Heuer

          Tag Heuer is SOOOO 1996.

    2. Paul Shirley

      Re: Look like Tag Heuer

      If you paid a heavy premium for the Apple brand why would you want to replace the branding?

  3. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

    Please gives us tools to upvote articles..

    The sarcasm in this article is so *precisely* why I read El Reg, it should get its own pedestal.

    Thank you :)

  4. Annihilator
    Coat

    "to read the time you don’t even need to switch it on"

    Ooooh!!! Just like a real watch!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Wait for the patent lawsuits against Timex

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Informative indeed.....

    "In the message video you are told to “raise your wrist” to see a message: not quite as inane as it sounds, because it makes the watch show an incoming message."

    Okay, I take your point, but it's still sounds a bit patronizing. And, even going beyond the wording, generally speaking you'd need to raise your wrist before doing just about anything with it, if you wanted to see it that is. I've never been told I need to get my phone out of my pocket in order to use it. It's similar to being told to take your trousers down before taking a shit.

    1. sandman

      Re: Informative indeed.....

      You're right - the (male) owners will probably be used to raising and lowering their wrist rapidly ;-) However, for most of the population that will be the right wrist, so perhaps instructions on how to do it left-handed are necessary...

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Informative indeed.....

      "It's similar to being told to take your trousers down before taking a shit."

      Rather like the pictorial instructions on the inside of the strap showing the fanbois how to fasten the strap, just your example is a bit more...err...colourful.

  6. NotWorkAdmin

    the only quote he could offer was "where's my bloody watch?"

    It's not a watch.

    1. ItsNotMe
      Devil

      Re: the only quote he could offer was "where's my bloody watch?"

      You'll have to forgive him for looking at it wrong.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Apple Watch gets more and more surreal doesn't it? Congratulations to El Reg as one of the few sites with both feet planted firmly on the ground (if you see what I mean).

  8. Little Mouse

    There are probably loads of good reasons for owning one these.

    Though I'm buggered if I can think of a single one...

    1. Fluffy Bunny
      Devil

      Re: There are probably loads of good reasons for owning one these.

      Your hammer is in your other coat.

    2. Cliff

      Re: There are probably loads of good reasons for owning one these.

      Oyster by Bonk! OK, I know it's not enabled/possible in this iteration, but it's clearly a utopian vision of the future...

      Except people generally wear watches on their left wrists, and Oyster touch pads are on the right - I foresee carnage ;-)

      1. BlartVersenwaldIII

        Re: There are probably loads of good reasons for owning one these.

        > Except people generally wear watches on their left wrists, and Oyster touch pads are on the right - I foresee carnage

        I foresee a new trend of people moonwalking through the gates.

        1. jonathanb Silver badge

          Re: There are probably loads of good reasons for owning one these.

          Even if you did wear your watch on your right arm, it would still require an awkward movement to get the front of your wrist on top of the card reader. It might actually be slightly easier to rotate about 30° and do it with your left hand.

        2. Cliff

          Re: There are probably loads of good reasons for owning one these.

          I take it all back, it's worth it just to see the moonwalking at Paddington on a Friday evening ;)

    3. dorsetknob
      Megaphone

      Re: There are probably loads of good reasons for owning one these.

      Hows this for a Reason

      I Own a Iwatch i'm a masochist MUG ME HARD

  9. scrishton

    How to tell the time?

    The only video you need to see to learn how to tell the time is by Dave Allen...

    http://youtu.be/0QVPUIRGthI

    "The first hand is the hour hand, the second hand is the minute hand, and the third hand is the second hand."

    1. macspite

      Re: How to tell the time?

      Great clip, thank you - and may your god go with you!

  10. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    How the UI behaves also depends on what the watch or your iPhone is doing. Swiping up will do different things if the phone is playing music or the phone is running maps.

    Erm, what happens if you're doing both? If I'm walking somewhere, I often listen to music, and take quick glances at the map to work out how I'm getting on.

  11. Bob Wheeler
    Thumb Up

    “raise your wrist” to see a message

    Many years ago, I has a 1974 Vauxhall Viva, in the owners manual, to said

    "to increase the ventalation in the car, wind down the window"

    1. madick

      Re: “raise your wrist” to see a message

      "... 1974 Vauxhall Viva, in the owners manual ..."

      The early Honda C50 owners manual (c1966) - supplied in English but "translated" from Japanese, included, as one of the advantages of this machine:

      "Is having large wheels for giving very pleasing sensation when travelling bumpy ground"

  12. emmanuel goldstein

    you couldn't make it up. it's shaping up to be a kind of badge for the modern twat.

    1. sandman

      With the demise of Google Glass some other badge was required.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Gimp

        Just trying to imagine the sort of split personality/psychotic that would be a glasshole/iWatch wearer. <shudders>

      2. Captain Queeg

        Very true...

        I wonder just what the Venn diagram of Glass users versus Apple Watch users would look like - I can't decide if the circles would be almost concentric or almost apart!

        Me? I'll skip both I think.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Are you sure? I'm convinced that badge of honour is reserved for those special people who have a £13,570 Breitling Watch that can tell the emergency services were you are. In Chelsea, in the pub. With their bright yellow 'Look at Me' Lamborghini parked outside. Those are modern twats.

  13. Bloodbeastterror

    "Download...

    ...Quicktime to view this video."

    Thank you, even if it's free I'll pass...

  14. Keven E.

    Ironing

    "Okay, I take your point, but it's still sounds a bit patronizing."

    Understatement of the year award winner...

    ... or...

    Lou Abbot does marketing.

    https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCMQ3ywwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DkTcRRaXV-fg&ei=CWE6VeHMLoyfNvzUgdAH&usg=AFQjCNFgYNgDASU56Y1ACJfb9zEe3Piiag

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  15. Michael Thibault

    >there are no tools to upload backgrounds or build your own watch app

    Jesus wept.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wow

    "The other said he'd been to try them on, and thought the quality feel was excellent and that the stainless steel felt a bit better than the aluminium, but that the pricing difference was more to do with Apple's premium strategy than the cost of metal."

    Pretentious iTwat alert!

  17. Hellcatm

    apple fanboys need these video's because their idiots. People with other smart watches don't need videos like this because its just common sense and if you play around with the watch you'll figure it out yourself.

    1. Midnight

      You mean smart, classy people like these?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8nJKWJTsUg

    2. dz-015

      "because their idiots"

      Oh, the irony.

  18. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    How to tell the time on a Casio PAG 240:

    Look at it.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Bah!

      Thank you! I've been googling for weeks to find that information. Bloody Casio never did create a video explaining how to use their watch. Cheap bastards!

      I was just getting ready to send it back!

      1. Stevie Silver badge

        Re: Bloody Casio never did create a video explaining how to use their watch

        John Brown (no body) doesn't RTFM? After they went to the trouble of packing such a big one with the watch?

        Shame, sir!

        Took me, old mainframe know-nothing fit-for-the-human-scrap-heap idiot all of ten minutes to get it unpacked, synch'ed to NYC timezone and running on the Steviewrist.

        The old PAG40 had a better display (which could be read from the ISS I reckon), the compass was less flaky in the presence of electric fields and the backlight was brighter, but changing the batteries every three years was a pain and eventually resulted in damage.

        The PAG240's solar cells have gone from a medium charge on unpacking to full charge during everyday wear.

        Admittedly, it can't do the internet, but then, that's why we have smartphones and tablets. But it will tell me the time without need for a wall socket until the solar cells go nails-up.

        And I can get it very wet indeed without the need to visit an iStore to see if I can beg them for a replacement under warranty.

        And it looks 21st century awesome, not like it should be adorning the wrist of Roger Moore as he takes on Count Saruman in The Man With The Golden Watch.

  19. Tom Walker

    Money to waste and time to waste, Apple fanbois seem to have both in abundance

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