back to article Apple Watch: We ROUNDUP the ROUNDUPS. Yes, Roundup-squared

FOUR THINGS ye must know about the Apple Watch: First, it is from APPLE. Second, it is a bit like a WATCH. For instance, it goes on your wrist. Third, without an iPhone 5 or 6 it is USELESS. Actually maybe that should have been first. Sorry. Fourth, the world's media are now publishing many, many reviews and commentaries on …

  1. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Joke

      Well, apparently you're tagging your posts with icons representing the nature of the device? What I don't understand is that if you already have an iPhone, then this is useless. Codependent proprietary computer devices that make one or the other obsolete...WTF? Wasn't the whole point to put what you have on your mobile, independently on your wrist? I clearly missed a announcement or three, because I don't get it.

      Yeh, have another icon Apple.

  2. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Kevin Johnston

      There was me wondering whether they were being ironic by asking the questions but supplying their own sum of answers or really ironic by asking the questions and then saying 'who cares'.

  3. Flatpackhamster

    Telegraph reviewed it.

    Nary a mention of the need to own an iPhone.

    And the battery lasts a WHOLE DAY, sometimes NEARLY TWO DAYS.

    Wooooooo.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Telegraph reviewed it.

      That review was too close to April 1st for me. And too much flicking of the wrist for my liking.

      El Reg sum it up well: What?

    2. LucreLout Silver badge
      Gimp

      Re: Telegraph reviewed it.

      And the battery lasts a WHOLE DAY, sometimes NEARLY TWO DAYS

      Eh?

      Given it'll be bought only by wankers, should it not be charging itself when they, erm, move?

  4. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

    What about the following options?

    1) Meh!

    2) Ha-ha you must be joking? Me buy anything from Apple? Hell will freeze over first.

    3) Die Fanbois Die!

    4) Can someone wake me up in a month when all this palava has died away and the Apple Watch it is being flogged for $50 on Ebay.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: What about the following options?

      4) Can someone wake me up in a month when all this palava has died away and the Apple Watch it is being flogged for $50 on Ebay.

      You truly don't understand this Apple lark do you? At launch there is much coverage of the excitement, the first reviews, and how much coverage it's getting. Then speculation on whether the forum complaints mean that we have ANTENNAGATE 2! Then we've got the how good is it really, after a few weeks. Then how many have been sold - is it a success or failure? But after a few months, things don't die down, because THEN WE GET THE SPECULATION ON WHAT'S GOING TO BE IN THE POSSIBLE NEW RELEASE!!!!! AARRGGHHH!!!!!!!!

      Then, after about 9 months, you get the speculation on when the date of the next release will be. Then you get the reveal that Apple have booked their favourite hall, which means we get the speculation on how they're going to send out the invitations.

      Then a whole new round of speculation on what's going to be in it - now really tenuously based on reports from test manufacture in Taiwan and Shenzen. Then the speculation on whether it will be released after the Apple presser, or we'll have to wait until after Christmas. Then the exciting launch. Then the coverage of the queues, the first reviews, the unboxings, the coverage.

      AND SO ON FOREVVVVVVEEEEERRRRRRR................

      I quite enjoyed the speculation on the original iPad. I found a bunch of my old posts on it the other day, and was rather pleased to see how much I guessed right as well. But oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. What a monster we have created. Still it keeps the journalists occupied I suppose.

      1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

        Re: What about the following options?

        I do understand the Apple 'thing'. My comment was said very much with my tongue in my cheek.

        If there was a Tongue in Cheek icon I would have used it.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: What about the following options?

          I'm sure everyone understands it. I just fancied a bit of a rant, for my own amusement. I don't even object. I have stopped reading most of the rumour articles. Partly as they're so inaccurate, but mostly because the iPhone has got most of the stuff it needs, so updates aren't that interesting anymore.

          I'm not really interested in a smartwatch anyway. If it could have a readable screen, I could be tempted by something like Google Glass, for the sat-nav and the ability to use it as a way to magnify things like railway signage, or look up the right platform online.

          But, other than for medical reasons, I struggle to see the point of other wearables. As if I want it, I can use my phone. And my watch needs to be simple, so that I can just glance at it when required.

          On the gripping hand, a wrist controller that can wirelessly tell the mp3 player to skip a track for the wireless headphones might be good. And also decide wheter you wish to interrupt the music/podcast to take the call to said headphones. Then the phone need never leave your pocket, and you could just control it with whatever local screen it could talk to. But batteries and connectviity will need to be better first I think.

          1. Pookietoo

            Re: tell the mp3 player to skip a track

            Do your headphones not have a few buttons on them for that sort of thing?

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

      3. Ian Johnston Silver badge

        Re: What about the following options?

        Spot on, but you forgot the prototype "left" in a bar to be "found" by a friendly tech blogger and retrieved by Apple after bloodcurdling "threats" of legal action which curiously don't seem to come to anything.

  5. dogged

    Lewis, could you invite Stephen Fry to review it for the Reg?

    Because, y'know, funny.

    1. Irongut

      Or just get a stupid looking photo of him with an Apple Wristjob (shouldn't be difficult) and let us come up with captions. That would be funnier.

      1. dogged

        I think we've been downvoted by Stephen Fry.

      2. asdf Silver badge

        can't resist

        I go first. "Well the Apple wrist watch works by sucking in all photons in the immediate vicinity of the watch and then simply recycles them back out. This is what is responsible for the incredible battery time of the watch (after all what other watch can last a whole day?)."

        As a yank I guess I should do more Walt Mossberg oral on Apple phallus jokes but listening to the UK readers, Stephen sounds like a merrier chap to rib.

        1. dogged

          Re: can't resist

          I was thinking more along the lines of -

          "We live in a world of marvels and no mistaking it. Oh, some lugubrious fuddy-duddies will always cast swine before pearls, value chaff over wheat and verily render from Caesar what should remain unrendered and that's up to them, my loves, for we few, we happy few, we band of wristband wranglers have been granted joy. Sumptuous joy. Delicious joy. Scrumptulicious joylode as the late Stanley Unwin might have sagaciously opined.

          To touch, to stroke, to force-fondle a sparkling glow of machined elysium on the hairy Tartarus of one's clumsy wrist, a joint of little desire, a mere link 'twixt arm and hand without charm or sexuality rendered glorious at one stroke, for stroke it you will.

          It is beautiful, this thing. It links to ones iPhone, itself a thing of utter erotic gorgeousness, and it has a battery in it, which is splendid. And even as you caress the Watch (a mere "w" is insufficient, the mighty "W" barely suffices as Sir Jony Ive so rightly decided) so it caresses you back. One caress, two buzzes three throbs.

          My wrist throbs for me, and, dear reader, we shall all in turn throb for our wrists".

  6. James Cane

    Just another piece of junk which will fail to fill the gaping hole in my life.

    1. moiety

      Pies. Fill the hole with pies. And beer.

      1. VinceH Silver badge

        Please fix your spelling of cider.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Please fix your spelling of Paris.

  7. Roger Greenwood

    Surely you could have sneaked the phrase "high velocity organisation" in there somewhere.

  8. Mondo the Magnificent
    Thumb Up

    Wristjob

    Couldn't be a more fitting title for these fandabulous smart watches that last an entire day or so without the need for a recharge..

    I am old school, and confidentially my "wristjob" happens to be a Fossil too

    1. dogged

      Re: Wristjob

      My watch is also a Fossil.

      Preferred name for this thing is definitely a "jazzbangle" although I don't know why either - it's just a really good word.

      1. Kunari
        Devil

        Re: Wristjob

        Jazzbangle is too good a word for these. Save it for the Apple Cockring.

        1. skeptical i
          Devil

          Apple Cockring Pro Air [was: Wristjob]

          "Slide to Unlock" indeed.

        2. g e
          Coat

          Re: Wristjob

          @Kunari

          That'd be the JizzBangle, surely...

          And with that I bid you all a fine weekend

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Wristjob

          But that'd be a 'jizzbangle', shurely…?

    2. Oninoshiko
      WTF?

      Re: Wristjob

      Oh common, you guys can't tell me you didn't like Fondlebangle!

    3. Daniel Bower

      Re: Wristjob

      My wrist jobs only last a few minutes at most so almost a day sounds positively exciting...

      1. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge
        Flame

        Re: Wristjob

        @Daniel Bower...

        Almost a day sounds positively painful. Burning, even.

    4. nijam

      Re: Wristjob

      Why wasn't "One off the wrist" included amongst your voting selections for for the device name?

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Can't we have a Metacritic style site for technology?

  10. thomas k.
    Thumb Up

    What?

    Too funny.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Enough of the fighting talk...

    Who's going to be the first to crack and pre-order their very own phanbangle?

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Clickbait article and blurts of thinly veiled frustration in comments

    Funny how many people have the urge to shout out that they are so completely uninterested in some fruit company's watch that they go and read every aticle El Reg posts on it and then go and write a comment under half of them.

    Just sayin'

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Holmes

      Re: Clickbait article and blurts of thinly veiled frustration in comments

      Some of us read nearly every El Reg article on nearly everything. They are written in a good style, and tend to be interesting and informative. And the comments sections tend to be a good forum for discussion and gathering further info.

      Besides, many of us are going to have to support these iwatches and other i-things for our neighbors or relatives or our co-workers who are i-thing addicts. Nothing wrong with reading or commenting on them, even if some of us personally think they are a bunch of overpriced junk.

      Just sayin'

      1. It'sa Mea... Mario

        Re: [Andy Prough]Clickbait article and blurts of thinly veiled frustration in comments

        Down voted for 'They are written in a good style, and tend to be interesting and informative'

        That used to be the case. Now I'm just here out of habit.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Holmes

          Re: [Andy Prough]Clickbait article and blurts of thinly veiled frustration in comments

          That's a matter of personal preference. For me, I feel the writing has gotten quite a bit better over the 7-8 years that I've been a regular reader.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    One of the most pointless "tech" items I've ever seen.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ah, media hype.

    The biggest joke of the hype surrounding the Apple watch is from the "experts", claiming that it represents a threat to high-end watchmakers, like Rolex and other Swiss brands. Mostly, pegging that "threat" to the $18,000 gold version.

    Because, after all, in 4 years your $18,000 gold Apple smartwatch will be worth $8,000 (if you are lucky) while your $10,000 gold Rolex will be worth...$9,000.00.

    Which makes the Apple smartwatch such an intelligent investment to the rich wannabe's that they'll be ACHING to buy them by the baker's dozen.

    NOT.

    This is what happens when you let STUPID people, who others believe in because someone gave them a label of "expert", the microphone.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ah, media hype.

      I suspect melt down.

      Which means there is about $500 worth of gold in that there watch.

      Of course $300 ever 2 years might let you have the gubbins inside updated

      So, pay $300 or get £500 back by melt down ?

    2. Chris Parsons

      Re: Ah, media hype.

      "This is what happens when you let STUPID people, who others believe in because someone gave them a label of "expert", the microphone." - and is why democracy is so very flawed.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Wake me up before you go go.

    And Wham, the watch will vanish off the face of the earth ?

    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

  16. Mitoo Bobsworth
    Joke

    "I'm not masturbating...

    ...this is how you charge it!"

    1. Phuq Witt
      Thumb Up

      Re: "I'm not masturbating...

      Oddly enough, amongst my random collection of gadgetry, I have an "emergency" torch, in the body of which is embedded a wire coil. Inside the body is a magnet, which is free to move back and forward, when you shake the torch vigorously, thus generating electricity and lighting the bulb.

      The designers have not seen fit to include any form of charge storage, so the torch only stays lit so long as you continue to shake it furiously back and forwards. Being a torch, it is also pretty phallic shaped (at least compared to a watch)

      Understandably, in our house, we refer to it as "The Wanking Lantern" and look forward to the day when the lights finally go out and we are forced to illuminate our path through The Apocalypse, in a pseudo-masturbatory endurance test.

  17. smartypants

    Apple cock-ring

    I can't wait for the Verge 'definitive review' on that.

  18. The last doughnut
    Trollface

    You guys suck. Twice!

  19. Doctor_Wibble

    Casio watch correction

    Embarrassing confessions no.84, I accidentally twitched and hit the 'crap like the first iphone' selection instead of the more accurate "My Casio (or other very cheap watch) is also cooler than an Apple Watch".

    A model 108 W-200, 1982 vintage Alarm Chronograph.

    Complete with stopwatch and hourly bleeps. The plastic strap unfortunately broke about 20 years ago and wearing it is impractical but thankfully I'm very definitely not a hipster.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    I had a look at a fanbangle in the Regent Street Apple Store today

    Not impressed. It looks old fashioned without any retro charm, the buttons and scroll wheel (aka 'digital crown') felt cheap and the whole device just left me cold. The screen quality seems very much like the original iPhone so not sure how retina applies here. The Edition version doesn't look nearly expensive enough for the price either. Neither the shape or the size works for me.

    I think this is the first Apple product for a long while that doesn't make the grade.

    Interestingly enough, in the store most of the crowds were around the portables; I don't think the watch is making much of an impact to be honest.

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