back to article It's the FALKLANDS SYNDROME! Fukushima MELTDOWN to cause '10,000 Chernobyls' in South Atlantic

Molten nuclear powerplant cores from Fukushima – having burned their way down through the planetary crust and plunged into the Earth's centre – are set to emerge again on the other side of the planet and devastate the Falkland Islands, scientists believe. Sensationally, the Register can reveal full details of the impending …

  1. tfewster Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Obligatory "Oh noes", TOTC etc.

    Posted 1/4/15

    1. toughluck

      What really gave it away was this:

      "The Falkland Islands will be a barely habitable wilderness, afterwards."

      That would be an improvement, wouldn't it?

    2. JetSetJim Silver badge

      Re: Obligatory "Oh noes", TOTC etc.

      This just goes to prove that Fukushima was an Argentinian plot to displace the plucky Brits from the islands.

  2. Bubba Von Braun
    Mushroom

    Happy April Fools Day

    ROTFLMAO.. Very funny guys... Now all you needed to do is to weave LOHAN in as the only method to give the cores something to aim at when they emerge in the Falklands :-)

    Or Lester is this the real reason behind the FAA not approving the LOHAN flight? I can hear black helicopters over my hou....<static>

  3. Adam Foxton
    Joke

    Even nuclear reactor rods

    Even nuclear reactor fuel rods are pissed with how the Argentinians treated the Top Gear team.

    Let's hope they don't find out what''s happened since or they'll be popping up in the middle of Chipping Norton in... òh, about exactly a year today.

    1. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Re: Even nuclear reactor rods

      > "Even nuclear reactor fuel rods are pissed with how the Argentinians treated the Top Gear team."

      Maybe they could actually perceive two twats and a psycho when they saw them.

  4. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    Time to act!

    The only solution is to transport a spare RBMK core from Russia to the Falklands, set it off there and let it sink into the crust. If timed right, it will hit the Fukushima ones head on and cancel the oscillations.

    Unfortunately, as Luis Sancho warned on many occasions, such energetic collisions may lead to creation of runaway mini black holes, which will doom us all.

    1. LDS Silver badge

      Re: Time to act!

      Or sell the Falklands to Russia, Putin will be able to stop the running core simply with one of his farts...

  5. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Great hopping nukes

    This would explain why various government agents have been watching customers of the Falk 'n' Big Nets store.

  6. IT101
    Angel

    Our new masters

    Can I be the first to welcome our new cockroach overlords.

    1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Our new masters

      Get down on your knees and worship pathetic humans!

      1. Red Bren
        Mushroom

        Re: Our new masters

        Why would I want to worship pathetic humans, when there are mutant intelligent cockroaches to worship?

        It never hurts to suck up to the boss...

  7. Alister Silver badge
    Joke

    So this is why they built those aircraft carriers that can't carry aircraft... I knew the British Government couldn't be that stupid...

    1. MrXavia

      Didn't you know?

      Someone in the MOD watched Dr Who and thought it was a documentary, so now the plans are for flying double decker buses why else would they sell off our harrier fleet before the F35's are even ready?

    2. Marketing Hack Silver badge

      @Alister

      Yes, the plan is to lay turf on the carrier's flight decks, then bring aboard evacuee Falklands sheep so they can sail back to England in a stress-free free-range environment. And if there is a "black sheep" on the way home, you can fix them to the catapults and launch them overboard!

      1. Alister Silver badge

        @Marketing Hack

        One of the "features" of the new aircraft carriers, is the total lack of catapults installed...

        So I'm afraid any "black sheep" would have to be shoved overboard by hand, unless they could find a plank to walk off...

        Other than that, your plan sounds good.

        :)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Bungee cord. Would work for sheep and cold-launched missiles. Would need further testing for F-35s and buses.

          Then again.. We have had 'oil exploration' licences issued for the Falklands which are a cover for Operation Anti-Core. This involves directional drilling under the islands to create a web-like structure filled with bungee cords which would either dampen the oscillating core or bounce it back.

          Other options were considered, such as using shaped charges to achieve similar effects. But that involves some risk of blowback. This was explored further in the Orion annexe. Shield the underside of the islands, wait for maximum potential energy conditions and detonate. This had the advantage of potentially relocating the islands away from sovereignty disputes, and dealing with the minefields on the islands. The Environmental Impact Assessment did note the severe impact on the penguin population, and anywhere it landed.

          1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
            Alien

            @AC

            You can recruit a few Horta to do that tunnelling. I bet the U.S. government has them excavating extra escape routes under the Pentagon right now.

  8. x 7 Silver badge

    can't we use a few magnets to redirect the cores to Argentina?

    1. Simon Harris Silver badge

      I think El Reg's geography is a bit out, and the opposite side of the Earth from Fukushima is actually closer to (and almost on the same latitude) Buenos Aires, than it is to the Falklands.

      1. nichomach
        Mushroom

        Oh well done - you had to warn the buggers, didn't you?

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh My

    After reading this horrific news, I rang Otto Lidenbrock to see if he had any old maps that could be of use for a mission to capture these oscillating cores before they destroy the earth. After a bit of what sounded like finding an ear trumpet and putting in teeth, he shouted that he did indeed have maps of unknown tunnels in the earth, however, Alex was in possession of them and he is unfortunately in rehab for heroin addiction. He could not remember if Hans was still alive, but was confident that if Hans was alive he may know where the rehab is that Alex is in and that I should sent a letter to Hans post haste because the mail carriage is cutting back to once a month due to budgetary pressures and an aging horse. The line then mysteriously went limp and I turned the crank in feverous and passionate desperation to no avail. I suspect a conspiracy is unfolding here where there anywhere everywhere Bondsonian proportions of hillbillean reaction will be required. With the interior of the earth being shaken or stirred this may be the only logical response.

  10. SoaG

    Afterwards?

    "The Falkland Islands will be a barely habitable wilderness, afterwards"

    Excellent expose and analysis piece.

    1. DropBear Silver badge

      Re: Afterwards?

      Sure, but there will be heaps of tourists flocking to the place just to see all that lovely Cherenkov radiation glow at night...

      1. Primus Secundus Tertius Silver badge

        Re: Afterwards?

        @DropBear

        That would give a whole new meaning to the phrase "blue ocean water".

      2. Wzrd1

        Re: Afterwards?

        I prefer to be bathed in a fine Cherenkov radiation glow in the wee hours of the morning, it's so energizing!

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Also in the news my kids stretched cling film across the toilet, placed eggs in my shoes and confetti in my umbrella.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

      I hope you sent them to school without their shoes - now *that* would be funny :)

    2. swschrad

      better than eggs in the umbrella

      serves the Falklands right. at least the surviving shepherds will have enough light to see if any of the skeletons, formerly sheep, have disappeared.

  12. itzman
    Mushroom

    TYhe real tragedy is that ...

    this story will probably go viral around the Green Blob and be utterly and totally believed.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: TYhe real tragedy is that ...

      I'm waiting for Faux News to pick up on this... then Congress will be in an uproar followed by various agencies mobilizing to deal with those Japanese terrorists who started this whole mess.

      1. codejunky Silver badge

        Re: TYhe real tragedy is that ...

        @ Mark 85

        I am waiting for the BBC to pick this up based on their coverage of the 'disaster'. With the way they carried on I expected them to start reading bible passages and talking of 4 horsemen.

        1. swschrad

          more likely...

          post bulletins that young and virile athletic girls be bussed to Broadcast House posthaste.

        2. Vic

          Re: TYhe real tragedy is that ...

          I am waiting for the BBC to pick this up based on their coverage of the 'disaster'.

          That's only going to happen if someone posts the story on Twitter...

          Vic.

  13. tempemeaty

    Umbrella solution is best....

    ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I'm perfectly safe because I have an asbestos umbrella! ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

  14. James Cullingham

    Very amusing

    And I liked the completely gratuitous Blackadder reference too

  15. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Get with the BBC*Program

    And the UKGBNI is in progressive recovery and all thanks to Parliamentarians, is another one for airing on this date and in these days of make believe and crazy spin.

    * Bold Brainwashing Corporations Program

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    too soon

    think of teh deads

    1. Dick Pountain

      Re: too soon

      I assume you meant "tink"

  17. TRT Silver badge

    So choose the April 1st story:

    The Falklands Syndrome,

    Luminous Tampon Tracers or

    Transvestites Attack NSA.

    Yep. Some weird shit goes down nowadays.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Or option D: burying nuclear waste in cat litter.

      1. launcap Silver badge
        Mushroom

        > Or option D: burying nuclear waste in cat litter.

        With one of our cats, I'd rather take the nuclear waste..

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Frank n furta

      Transvestites attacking the NSA I would acccept,as perfectly reasonable - after all why not?

    3. D@v3

      Luminous Tampons

      Worryingly, I actually saw that story elsewhere a couple of days ago, and in fact, if you look at the time stamp for the reg article..... (31 Mar 2015 at 16:56)

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    endless loop (hole) ?

    Is it expected that the reactor core will then fall back into the earth's core and resurface somewhere else (again to all the effects mentioned in the article) and keep on doing this until the earth is one big hole?...the end is nigh! / welcome to the new wiffle ball earth

  19. DropBear Silver badge

    How could you not mention...

    ...that according to the well-known superboffin Dr. Ock, there is still hope - if a hole could be punched into the sea floor at the predicted exit point of the cores, all the seawater flooding in might neutralize the Leydenfrost effect and allow friction to kick back in just long enough to confine the cores with one final plunge to the centre of the Earth. A specially trained squad of elite sharks carrying drilling lasers has already been dispatched to the site...

  20. Andy 97

    Best one I've seen today..

    Saying that, it wasn't a tough lineup this year either.

    Good work hacks.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  21. Slacker@work

    Excellent work!

    Best Aprils Fool I've seen so far today. Particularly liking the "Federation of Concerned Scientists" - that's an organisation that should be brought to life!

    1. Slacker@work

      Re: Excellent work!

      Ok you just lost the crown - Sony are a runaway winner with this...

      http://blog.eu.playstation.com/2015/04/01/introducing-playstation-flow/

      1. Nelbert Noggins

        Re: Excellent work!

        Yes, I woke to that in my inbox today :)

        Made me chuckle, although based on the current IOT hysteria I wouldn't be at all surprised to see a clone appearing on KickStarter ;)

        I also wonder if anyone tried the new Bing Palm Search

    2. returnmyjedi

      Re: Excellent work!

      Microsoft released a fear inducing trip down memory lane in the form of an MS-DOS "emulator" for Windows Phone. Had at least one minute of fun cd dot dotting before I realised that they hadn't thrown in any dos games. You can launch some apps from it which is pointless but somehow satisfying in a caveman sort of way.

      1. KingStephen

        Re: Excellent work!

        Didn't you find the rock paper scissors game in there, with Cortana?

        Cd games

        Cd rps

        Rps.exe

        I won 2-0 :)

    3. PNGuinn Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: Excellent work!

      Lousy acronim through.

      5/10. Must try harder. See me afterwards.

  22. TheFinn

    Ah, what're yer like!

    Bloody well written! Even knowing the film, I got sucked in! The author should go into writing children's fiction!

  23. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

    Best to read it all!

    I read the headline and the first paragraph or so and thought that it was a bit superficial, because if the cores descended through the crust, then gravity would hold it at or near the centre of the Earth.

    I then read on, and realised that this is all covered, at least to a non-scientist's view. It's all preposterous really, but detailed enough to appear serious, and very well done.

    Congratulations on making an obvious April Fool's article worth reading.

  24. WaveyDavey

    Bloody stupid ...

    Who would call a dachshund "Colin". Really.

    1. PNGuinn Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Bloody stupid ...

      So called journos who might fall for this sort of brilliant drivel. Plausibility factor and all that.

      Look forward to seeing the plaigarism....

    2. returnmyjedi

      Re: Bloody stupid ...

      "Who would call a dachshund "Colin". Really."

      Blackadder?

    3. launcap Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Bloody stupid ...

      Who knows? Dachshund owners are a strange lot..

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      Re: Bloody stupid ...

      my neighbour has, honest guv, he did

  25. David Pollard

    Send for Chris Busby

    He has anti-radiation pills that can save the children.

    http://www.amfir.com/AmFirstInst/Symposia/Fukushima/Experts/Busby/Chris_Busby_index.html

  26. Primus Secundus Tertius Silver badge

    Had a good lunch?

    It seems that Team Register had an energetic lunch the other day. The hot curry was descending from the entrance aperture to the exit, but was countered by violent body movements and got into some kind of oscillation. No amount of beer could cool it down, but the beer made them start thinking.

  27. Zog_but_not_the_first Silver badge
    Linux

    Disaster in the South Atlantic!

    Won't someone think of the penguins!?

    1. PNGuinn Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: Disaster in the South Atlantic!

      Systemd. That is all.

  28. Alan Denman

    Now we know the truth as to why...

    we need Smartmeters.

    They ain't smartmeters after all, they are fusion collectors scoop up the debris floating around Britain.

    I mean, they wouldn't waste billions on only a fictional saving would they?

  29. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    Nice!

    put a smile on my face this special day. Muons used to penetrate concrete was pushing it, however. mu neutrinos combined with the (relatively nearby) Super Kamiokande neutrino detector might have been a nice touch.

    Still, full points for a funny story

  30. Martin-73 Silver badge

    Surely the wreck of the Belgrano will stop it?

    Letters

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Coat

      Re: Surely the wreck of the Belgrano will stop it?

      What would put the kibosh on that one is the obligatory "Wreck of Belgrano FOUND ON MOON!!11!!" story that must be running somewhere today.

    2. stucs201
      Mushroom

      Re: Surely the wreck of the Belgrano will stop it?

      So it turns out that the Japanese are going to end up nuking the only American vessel which suffered no damage in the attack on Pearl Harbour.

  31. Yugguy

    GODZILLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Just sayin'

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Linux

      I think you'll find that's PENGUINZILLA!!!!

  32. wolfetone Silver badge

    Reg, shame on you!

    The Reg has only told half the story.

    The Fukishima core is about to burn through the crust. But what they won't tell you is that the Earth is actually hollow. So it will free fall in to the Falklands, smashing it out of the crust and in to the air.

    Gravity will then take over, pulling the Falklands in to the core, merging the core so the Falklands then becomes the nuclear core, and be thrown back through the crust and smash in to Japan. Again, the force of the impact will merge Japan with the Falklands.

    While all this happens, the UK will not be able to mobilize their Navy or the Army to prevent this from happening, as really it's a theft of the Falklands. But no one before, or will, be able to stop a country the size of the Falklands from slipping in and out of the Earths crust and across the other side of the world.

    But this isn't an accident. This has been planned all along by..... Argentina.

    Argentina are a majority sleeping shareholder of TEPCO, the people who run Fukushima. It's true, David Icke has the information on his website.

    I'm ashamed of you Reg, only telling half a story.

  33. Andy The Hat Silver badge

    I'm disgusted!

    All the comments here and none, not even one, expresses significant concern for poor Colin!

    I'm very upset, I must be as I had to wipe the tears from my eyes as I read about poor, lost, lonely Colin. I can see his poor, sad face now. Tired and starving, he pees up a broken lamppost then gnaws on the last scrawny penguin remnant on the island. The only consolation is the penguin is strangely fresh due to a touch of gamma irradiation ...

    1. launcap Silver badge

      Re: I'm disgusted!

      > The only consolation is the penguin is strangely fresh due to a touch of gamma irradiation ...

      Oh noes! Does that mean we'll shortly be invaded by giant mutated dachshunds?

  34. Dick Pountain

    Take this Lollipop

    Google beat you all to the punch by releasing Lollipop a full six months before April Fools' Day

  35. xehpuk
    Megaphone

    Foucault pendulum

    Oh no they forgot to consider the coriolis forces. It will show up in London today!

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I saw what you did there...

    >"The Falkland Islands will be a barely habitable wilderness, afterwards"

    Hahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

    ha ha ha hahaha ha haha ha hahahaha

    ha hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    *chokes*

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    'Even in the context of Japanese cronyism, it’s astounding that nobody at Tepco has gone to jail'

    I know its April-1, but its hard to laugh at the incompetence of Tepco... On a personal note, Fukushima cost me and some of my closest friends our livelihood... Here is a sobering report....

    http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/opinion/analysis/Four-years-out-Fukushima-reactors-still-spewing-295947481.html

    1. codejunky Silver badge

      @AC

      That sounds like the worst type of biased and bull reporting I have read in a while. Why would TEPCO be punished for building the perfectly fine reactors which were taken out by 2 large natural disasters (actual disasters) which killed many people but the radiation killed a big fat zero (and expected to be about that in total).

      The raging thoughts of nationalising them and throwing them in jail for something which didnt cause the harm is amusing but rubbish. However they are to have done something to stop the unexpected (in scale) 2 natural disasters to save power stations when nobody did anything about them as far as protecting people? Sounds like hindsight and a bunch of know nothing anti nuke nutters.

      The population cant be expected to react intelligently to nuclear power stations when they have been fed only the information of nuclear bombs. In fact you can guarantee people will act in the worst way for not knowing any better.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Why would TEPCO be punished for building the perfectly fine reactors

        Financially its certainly a big disaster. The reactors shouldn't have gone into meltdown and wouldn't have if flood defences were built high enough. Tepco acknowledged this. Even the official parliamentary report said this was a preventable accident. Now Japan is left with a huge bill. This is less to do with the intricacies of Nuclear Power and more to do with cutting corners and safety.

        1. codejunky Silver badge

          Re: Why would TEPCO be punished for building the perfectly fine reactors

          @AC

          "Financially its certainly a big disaster. The reactors shouldn't have gone into meltdown and wouldn't have if flood defences were built high enough"

          That is the point. If the defences were built high enough then the many people wouldnt have died from the natural disasters. That is not the responsibility of the energy company. So if nobody thought the risk to the thousands of civilians was that big then why would an energy company expect the risk to be worse? And the key fact being that nobody died from the radiation but many died from the natural disaster. Hind sight is great but experience is always late to the party. The radiation killed nobody. The natural disasters killed many. If someone was cutting corners (defences wise) it was not the energy company

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            'That is not the responsibility of the energy company"

            It was Tepco's responsibility, its in the official report! It was part of their financial arrangement with the Japanese government and supported by subsidies. Plus, Tepco claimed to be the experts....

            .

  38. Kubla Cant Silver badge

    Giveaway

    This sounds like a good time to tell the Argies "We've changed our minds. You can have the Malvinas. But you have to take immediate posession."

  39. Electric Panda

    Some say...

    That from the hole shall come a 1991 grey Porsche, registration mark H982 FKL.

  40. Sir Barry
    Pint

    I enjoyed that story, you have been awarded one pint.

  41. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    Playmobil reconstruction

    Or it didn't happen.

  42. Patrician

    While this is a very funny April Fool there are lot's of "fools" that will be running for the hills about now...

  43. Roger Kynaston
    Pint

    And another thing

    I liked the pictorial reference to the new bit of Navy. We saw them last summer in the Tamar and the rotating ball got them the name of bollock of death!

    Beer because we are closed tomorrow and a virtual one for the writers.

  44. zanshin

    Kudos

    When I saw the headline I was quite sure this was an April Fool's prank, but I must say that the first first page of the article had me wondering for a bit. I have to give credit to the author for the part about the missing cores in particular - the telling of that part feels quite plausible. Up until you get to the bits about Krakatoa + Chernobyl x1000 (the details of which are happily consigned to page two), I think this could fool a lot of people. I agree that we might see this republished in seriousness, especially if they don't read the whole thing.

  45. Marketing Hack Silver badge

    Some thoughts on this calamity

    A) There's actually no way that even a scorchingly hot melted core is going to get to the Falklands. Thanks to our buddy gravity, the core would melt its way towards the core of the Earth and then find that the long climb back to the surface at the Falklands is a little exhausting.

    B) If it did though--mutant sheep!! (In Soviet Falklands, mutton eats you!)

    C) Evacuate the Falklanders and the remaining herbivorous sheep, then tell the Argentinians you have a present for them.

  46. A Ghost
    Thumb Up

    Wishful thinking

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldQpRMegYc0

    Great band that China Syndrome, though!

    Crisis? What crisis?

  47. Oninoshiko
    Pint

    Amusing

    but going on for two pages? Beers all around!

  48. Fink-Nottle

    According to unnamed sources, the MOD is working on large shield that can be lowered into the earth by means of five finger-like projections. The hope is that this huge device, nicknamed 'Diego', will be able to deflect the ball of radioactive material towards the mainland, thereby saving the Falklands. Despite Argentinian protests of foul play, a referee appointed by the UN has given the project his approval.

  49. Ron Christian

    Starting to get interesting

    The more I read about this, the more it sounds like a prelude to a monster movie.

  50. csaguy

    Makes Jeremy Clarkston happy.

  51. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    April Fools!

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Good April fools

    Your links however highlighted something of interest...

    Records of the past DPBAC Meetings

    Amended Minutes of a Meeting held on Thursday 6 November 2014

    3. Finally, the Secretariat advised on only one book during the period: Lord Ashcroft's 'Special Ops Heroes' which was to be launched later this month.

    add to that

    Lord Ashcroft resigns from House of Lords to focus on polling and publishing 31/03/15

    Coincidence?

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Gets better, that DPBAC website is a treasure trove of information

    8. The Intelligence Agencies. Some 68 of the occurrences and requests for DA Notice advice during the period had involved the Intelligence Agencies. The possible naming by the media of intelligence agency officers continued to be a concern. However, most of the occurrences and requests for advice were related to further publications by The Guardian of extracts from the Snowden documents. The Secretary reported that the engagement of the DPBAC Secretariat with The Guardian had continued to strengthen during the last six months, with regular dialogues between the Secretary and Deputy Secretaries and Guardian journalists. Also, because of an agreement between The Guardian and allied publications overseas to coordinate their respective disclosures of Snowden material, advice given to The Guardian had been passed on to The New York Times and others, helping to guide the disclosures of those outlets. The process had culminated by the appointment of Paul Johnson (Deputy Editor Guardian News and Media) as a DPBAC member.

    I take it the Guardian are happy to bend over to get one on the team?

  54. blueprint

    Oh dear

    Sadly this is an all too believable example of the kind of hilariously transparent right-wing nonsense that the Register churns out on a daily basis, the lunacy of which is only even close to being matched by the Torygraph.

  55. x 7 Silver badge

    blueprint

    I take it that you find living under a bridge boring?

  56. Paul Rawdon

    Almost had me lol

    Nice try this published on 1 April? I smell a rat!

    The China Syndrome, assuming that a nuclear reactor melted down in the US and went through the Earth's core it will end up in the Indian Ocean not in China hehe.

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