back to article Post-pub nosh neckfiller: El Reg eggs Benedict

A few days ago, we offered wobbly dining fans the Post-Pub Noshographic - a procedural flowchart to steer our beloved readers through the after-boozer neckfiller decision-making process. That handy guide serves for immediate deployment as you stagger through the front door, a gibbering and dribbling mess in search of immediate …

  1. lawndart

    says:

    It looks really tasty and I will have to try that very soon.

    The way this series is going, though, at some point adding bacon to the meal is going to start with the instruction "First catch your pig..."

    1. Cliff

      Re: says:

      Proper hollandaise means the person you send to catch and peel the pig will be back long before you've mastered it ;-) And no, you can't make it and freeze it, it goes 'over' after about an hour, so you have to start afresh each time. The lemon is what takes it from a greasy drizzle to simply the best thing in the world ever, you cannot bypass it, it cuts the greasiness.

      To be honest, a good chunk of white toast (unsweetened bread) can substitute well for the muffin, a bit of fresh spinach is nice instead if avocado (which is an aberration anyway), and then your preferred cured pork product and poached egg, topped with the hollandaise.

      Forget coffee, you need tea with this breakfast, and ideally a great view and bit of sunshine. Because the hollandaise is such a pain in the arse, go to a decent cafe (not many serve eggs benedict because of the hollandaise) and sit outside and feel like a king.

      1. Gordon 10 Silver badge

        Re: says:

        Proper hollandaise isn't that tricky, check out Delia's easy hollandaise and foaming hollandaise recipes. It helps if you have one of those hand blenders with a whisk adapter, and just add the butter a dribble at a time. If it starts to split you can usually recover it with a blitz from the whisk unless you are completely ham fisted. Don't forget a splash of white wine vinegar and a couple of pepper corns for the poaching water.

        Eggs benedict is my get out of jail free card with the missus.

      2. Kubla Cant Silver badge
        Headmaster

        Re: says:

        a bit of fresh spinach

        Spinach makes it into eggs Florentine, doesn't it?

  2. horsham_sparky
    Meh

    you had me at Bacon..

    Anything tastes better with Bacon.. too much faff for a morning after hangover cure though, as tasty as it looks! think I'll stick with the triple fried egg chili and chutney sauce sarnie from last time.. which is also improved with the addition of Bacon (tried that yesterday) :-)

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: you had me at Bacon..

      too much faff for a morning after hangover cure though, as tasty as it looks! "

      Agreed. Anything with a prep. time of more than 30 minutes is no good for breakfast, especially after a night on the sauce. Although it does look nice even if it is just a bacon and egg sarnie with some fancy sauce on it.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: you had me at Bacon..

        English muffin - too much effort, a bap will do

        Poached egg - fried egg is better

        Avacado - substitute mushy peas

        Hollandaise - that's just salad cream isn't it ?

        So basically a bacon, fried egg and mushy pea butty with salad cream - sounds simple enough

  3. This post has been deleted by its author

  4. Zog_but_not_the_first
    Pint

    Careful now...

    That looks delicious, but a tad complicated for true post-pub production.

    Don't forget, Red Dwarf's telling simile "as black as a drunken fry-up" was rooted in fact..

    1. Ejit

      Re: Careful now...

      Pah...the real deal requires the addition of a slice or Stornoway black pudding for Eggs MacBenedict!

  5. ashdav
    Happy

    Muffins

    Easier to buy the muffins and warm them under the grill after cutting them in half.

    Adds a bit of crispness too.

    I'll bet most people end up with spicy scrambled eggs when they try to make the sauce.or it splits.

    If it does, add a few drops of water and whisk.

    Looks wonderful but I've got to make do with roast chicken today.

    1. Vincent Ballard
      Coat

      Re: Muffins

      That's assuming you live somewhere which sells them. Don't forget that Lester is based in rural Spain.

      1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

        Re: Re: Muffins

        Exactly. No chance of getting 'em round here, hence our foray into baking.

        1. Rampant Spaniel

          Re: Muffins

          Avocado and hollandaise sauce for breakfast? Is Lester a pseudonym for Peter Mandelson?

  6. John Lilburne

    You'd need a treble gin with that.

  7. A Non e-mouse Silver badge

    YMMV

    "Your Muffins May Vary"?

  8. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    Just for clarification?

    Is what you refer to as 'polenta' that which in the UK is available as 'semolina'? It looks very similar.

    1. DuncanL

      Re: Just for clarification?

      Not the same thing - semolina is derived from wheat, polenta is cornmeal. You can get polenta from any supermarket - just make sure to get the raw stuff; not the pre-cooked slabs!.

    2. goldcd

      Don't think so

      Think Semolina is wheat, Polenta is Corn.

      You can pick up Cornmeal reasonably easily, I have a great big bag of it in the kitchen notionally labelled as an caribbean ingredient.

      Works great with pizza as well (and works as a handy non-stick layer on a pizza stone) - maybe the single piece of inspiration I ever got from Dominos pizza.

      Oh course you can usually buy it labelled as Polenta, but usually seems to be more finely ground, and it's the slightly more gritty texture I like.

      1. Marshalltown
        Pint

        Re: Don't think so

        A big bag should be the "germ-free" variety. Otherwise the corn meal will turn rancid over time.

        Eggs Benedict - bah. Another good use for corn meal is as a finish to chile. The basic chile pepper (this is southwest US cowboy style) consists of pulverized chile peppers (ideally a mix of poblano and some serious chili like tepines or scotch bonnets for heat, the jalapeno can be sliced or diced and used raw for garnish), oregano and cumin (ideally toasted or better added to oil) before browning the meat and onion in a dutch oven. Add a very healthy dose of mixed chile pepper, oregano and cumin to the pot with the browned meat and onion. Deglaze with a decent beer (use a lager, don't waste the ale). Add tomatoes crushed (canned or fresh) simmer until really tasty. Add a handful of corn meal and stir it in, then simmer until thickened. Stash some fresh chopped onion in a bowl in the refer. AFTER that go to the pub. Return with your hang over, reheat the chile now well rested and better tasting than it was when you left, top it with onions and jalapeno and extra sharp cheddar, and pour a beer to wash it down.

    3. Tom 7 Silver badge

      Re: Just for clarification?

      I dont think you can really call it an English muffin if you add polenta or semolina. Works better without IMHO.

      1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

        Re: Just for clarification?

        Thanks guys - just had a 'doh' moment and realised its cornmeal.

        As you say, in the UK polenta seems to arrive in a slab. I already use semolina as a non-stick for some breads.

    4. Scroticus Canis
      Headmaster

      Re: Just for clarification?

      Polenta is rough ground maize meal, semolina is the hard bit left over after grinding durum wheat. Corn is generic for any grain crop except rice: wheat, rye, barley, maize & sorghum spring to mind. However in some ex-colonial variants of English corn is synonymous with maize.

      1. Jan 0
        Headmaster

        Re: Just for clarification?

        > "Semolina is the hard bit"

        Errm, not quite. In the UK, semolina is just a stage on the way to flour. The first, wide spaced, rollers generate a coarse product which is screened to separate the semolina from the bran. Semolina is milled again to produce flour. It's the particle size that distinguishes semolina from flour.

        Where's the pedant's pedant icon when you need it?

  9. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    Hollandaise ingredients?

    The photo of the hollandaise indgredients worries me - that 'butter' looks awfully white, in fact I suspect it's really LARD! Which is usually acceptable in any post-pub nosh, but I'm not sure if it will work in hollandaise.

    1. Daniel von Asmuth
      Childcatcher

      Re: Hollandaise ingredients?

      Hollandaise sauce requires clarified butter. You melt the butter, let it stand for a bit, and then pour the liquid slowly into a bowl, except for the proteins at the bottom. Skim any proteins (white foam) from the top. In India you can buy clarified butter called ghee.

      1. FrankAlphaXII

        Re: Hollandaise ingredients?

        If you're in the US you can buy Clarified Butter from Whole Foods Market if you're located near one. Occasionally other stores like Publix in the Southeast or Smiths in the West will stock it but its kind of hit or miss.

        1. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
          Facepalm

          Re: Hollandaise ingredients?

          If you're in the US you can buy Clarified Butter... or, to follow up Daniel von Asmuth's comment, you can buy ghee from a grocer that carries Indian or Pakistani goods. It begs the question as to why. One of the main purposes of making ghee is to preserve it, which is also why butter is often salted. Just zap unsalted butter in the microwave and skim any foam and you're done. Why spend more on it when it really is the work of a few seconds to make?

  10. stucs201

    Can't buy hollandaise in the shops?

    Yes you can. Comes in jars. Obviously not 100% the same as freshly made (since they have to stabilise it so it lasts long enough to sell), but a much easier option when hung-over.

  11. Zot

    As I said before...

    There HAS to always to be an egg on top! No matter what you fry up.

  12. Alistair Dabbs

    1-2 hours to prove the muffin dough?

    For a post-pub nosh-up, I expect we'll be eating at about 3am.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: 1-2 hours to prove the muffin dough?

      I think we finally ate at around 4.30am.

  13. cray74

    This was going so great. I love Eggs Benedict, and this had the great addition of swapping out a ham slide ("Canadian bacon" in American-ese) for thin and crispy proper bacon. This taught me how to hand-make an English muffin. And then...and then...

    Green snot. You put the green snot vegetable on an otherwise-perfect Eggs Benedict. What next, Jar Jar Binks in "El Reg: The Movie"?

  14. Mark 85 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    We just finished up and the dishes are in the dishwasher... I wish I could upvote this article a hundred times. Absolutely yummy. The only differences we did was no avocado and since I was out of back bacon, I used some smoked pork butt.

    For my fellow 'Mericans.... find a local butcher who does custom smoking and meats. Back bacon is available and it's far better than the normal streaky, chem-laced, commercial stuff.

  15. Captain DaFt
    Coat

    The only thing missing

    was a clean, polished, shiny hubcap to use as a serving dish.

    After all, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

    *Throws smoke grenade, dives out window.*

  16. Daniel Voyce

    What's with the white wine vinegar?

    Butter, Egg Yolk, Salt, Lemon is all that's needed, Cayenne is for dusting! :)

  17. RonWheeler

    Time restrained? 2 large eggs....

    Crack into bowl, stir with fork, microwave for 3 mins at 480 watts. Leave a min to cool. Bit of black pepper and ketchup. Real world busy person post-pub nutrition.

  18. JDX Gold badge

    Leave out the bacon

    But no, wait - I'm not advocating vegetarianism or other perversions.

    I recently found a cafe near Glasgow doing a wonderful take on Eggs Benedict, using black pudding. It works amazingly well with decent BP because runny-yolked egg is a perfect complement to blood-soaked oats.

    Well worth a try - and if you miss the bacon that much stick it in a sarnie and eat both!

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hollandaise sauce???

    I was going to say what's wrong with a bottle of HP but realised, lamentably, that is now also Hollandish sauce.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Hollandaise sauce???

      Sadly true: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/03/16/hp_sauce_outrage/

  20. cray74

    "Back bacon is available and it's far better than the normal streaky, chem-laced, commercial stuff."

    Hmm. You've found chemical-free bacon?

    1. JDX Gold badge

      And commercial bacon is rubbish - you want the communist kind farmers raised for the common good.

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Not commercially. The butcher I use does his handy work to the pig and takes some of the various bits (hams, bacon, back bacon, some of the pork chops, etc.) to his smokehouse. (It's a commercial place that will smoke any meat). No chems, just wonderful smoke.

      Ok.... technically, smoke is a chemical but then so is salt if you like your ham Virgiinia style.

      1. cray74

        "Ok.... technically, smoke is a chemical but then so is salt if you like your ham Virgiinia style"

        Technically, anything made out of atoms is a chemical. (Hence, "periodic table of the chemical elements.") That's why I'm wondering how you got chemical-free bacon, since it would exclude chemicals including water, proteins, fats, vitamins, etc. ;)

        1. JDX Gold badge

          Smoke is absolutely full of very harmful chemicals. This belief that "natural chemicals" are better than carefully processed, scientifically controlled, chemicals, is asinine. It's purely an extension of "the old ways are better". I hope you go to pick up your non-commercial, chemical-free bacon on your horse, wearing clothes you made yourself.

  21. ukgnome

    dammit that looks good

    that is all

  22. WylieCoyoteUK
    Go

    Or Hollandaise the easy way....

    Melt butter, put eggs and other ingredients into liquidiser, whizz until mixed well, then slowly drizzle hot butter in the top.

    That way, the heat from the butter cooks the eggs, avoiding all the bain Marie faffing.

    I add Bacon Jam as well.

    (I make my Bacon Jam with free range streaky bacon, red onions, garlic, cholula sauce, demerara sugar, cider vinegar and Calvados)

  23. Kubla Cant Silver badge

    Griddled muffins?

    Looks great, though I agree with the commentards who think it would be better without avocado, cayenne and vinegar.

    I'm intrigued that you chose to cook the muffins on a griddle. The closest thing to this I've ever heard of is oven-bottom muffins, but I don't think they're turned over, and their appearance suggests that they're mainly cooked by oven heat. I plan to try making griddled bread when I have the time.

    I'm reasonably sure that the so-called English muffin didn't exist in England until about 30 years ago, when it started to appear in supermarkets. The fact that it's normally covered in cornmeal suggests foreign origins. It used to be nearly impossible to buy cornmeal, even in London - you had to find a shop that carried imported American foods for expatriates. I don't think anyone knew that it was the same as polenta.

    Admittedly "muffin" is a fairly ambiguous name. Britain seems to have an endless regional variety of names for small cakes of bread (bap, barm cake, plain teacake...).

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Griddled muffins?

      A griddle was what the recipe suggested, and it worked a treat.

  24. RcR

    When baking, the word for dough rising due to gaseous carbon dioxide resulting from the metabolism of sugars by yeast is "proof" not prove.

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