Thieves in the night
I awoke a little earlier than normal the other night. Slight crash bang in the kitchen by the sounds of it. Almost like a pane of glass being put through.
I sauntered downstairs half asleep as is my wont at this usual time of sacred night.
'What shall it be tonight?', I mused to myself. Yes, the usual, cheddar cheese and branston pickle sarnie - that ALWAYS cures the indigestion, even if it makes me feel like I'm having a heart attatck.
So, imagine my consternation (as in 'Good Constanoon, Afterble'), when I saw a couple of fridge freezers already tucking into what was left of my pot of Brannie!
'I say', I said, in a quite stern tone of voice, even by my standards, I must say, 'Just what the bloody hell do you think you are doing in my kitchen at this ungodly hour? Did no one ever tell you an English Man's home is his restaurant (and rest assured this will be a rant)? And what's worse you've nearly polished orf the larst of my pickle'.
I called immediately for Donna, my good lady. I said: 'Oi Donna, gert dahn 'ere now! - we've got a couple of fridge freezers in our kitchen eating eggy weggs and longtchicks of toast'.
She bulled down the apples and pears.
'Oi, what the fuck do 'ew think 'ew're doin' in my kitchen at silly 'o' clock in the mornin', like? Eh?'
'I thought 'ewd broken the bleedin' Brannie jar again Carl, like'. Clumsy twat!
This is when we really began to get to the bottom of the matter.
One of the good fellows piped up.
"I'm most sorry dear lady of the household, there seems to be some kind of misunderstanding here. Me and my good man, Brian, here, were just doing a little spot of neighbourhood watch duty when we heard the most awful commotion in your kitchen. It appears that unbeknownst to you and your good husband Carl, that a couple of ne'erdowells have broken and entered, with intent, I might add, and we were just worried about your safety."
'That don't explain the cheese and pickle sarnie ew've got in ew're 'and right now though, does it, like?'.
"No, my good lady, you are quite right, but I will just say this: We know this looks bad, but believe me when I say 'We take your security and safety most seriously'"!
'Fuckin' bollux!'. 'Ew've been on the piss down the local rugby club, like, singing fucking cwm fuckin' rhondda all fuckin' night, and thought ew'd try it on, coz the fuckin' poxy kebab shop shuts at 11'.
"I assure you my good woman, we have done nothing of the sort. I can vouch wholeheartedly for my good man here, as I am most sure he can vouch for me. It's all just some kind of horrible mistake, like".
At this moment, the fake Mexican moustache that was hiding his face, lost all its glue, and dropped dramatically to the floor.
'Ah ha!' Fuckin' ell Carl. Look who it is, like! It's fuckin' Dai and Uriel who works down the club at weekends, like. Pair of wankers.
'So it is Donna. What a right pair of rotters they are'.
''Ew 'ad us goin' there for a moment, boys, like'.
"Sorry Dons, kebab shop 'uz shut ennit. 11 o clock like. We got lost nicking the last bit of coal left in the village, when Uriel's diabetes got the better of him, like - we didn't realise 'ow late it was,like", said Dai.
"Dai was so pissed, he thought it WAS the kebab shop!", said Uriel.
'No harm done chaps', said the man of the house. You can buy me a G and T next time we're out.
==================================
Now, if you find that tall tale, even semi-plausable, I have a second hand Samsung Spying Device to sell you. Going cheap, like.
There's an allegory in there somewhere Gregory, like all the best football pundits say. Talk about moving the goalposts, Brian!
I credit you with the intellect to tell fact from fiction.
Our new Spying Overlords, not so much, like.
Biting the hand that feeds IT
