back to article Lonely this Xmas? Nerds, n00bs and no-hopers' guide to dating apps, Pt.1

Missed out on a date at the Christmas party? So did we ... but as the joke in the cracker said, "Why is a smartphone like a milkshake? Because it brings all the boys to the yard." Online dating has changed a huge amount in recent years. Not so long ago, even some of the big names in dating had sites that hadn't significantly …

  1. Friendly Neighbourhood Coder Dan

    Pictures of one's privates

    "That doesn't, of course, mean that that it's perfectly acceptable to send just anyone pictures of your privates. Trust me, guys – even on a gay site, it makes you look a dick. We all know you have one; if that's what you're proudest of, move on."

    I guess the author of the article doesn't have many gay friends :-)

    1. Nigel Whitfield.

      Re: Pictures of one's privates

      Dahling! You could probably count the number of *straight* friends I have on the fingers of a badly mutilated hand.

      Honestly, it's like christmas presents as far as I'm concerned: surely half the fun is in the unwrapping.

      If you have nothing to offer but dick pics, well, I've probably seen enough to make a statistically relevant sample. Sending me even more just makes my eyes roll, and that of most of my fellow lovers of musical theatre.

      1. Friendly Neighbourhood Coder Dan

        Re: Pictures of one's privates

        Maybe that's a regional thing then? Here ( London ) That's what gets asked within 3 minutes of the conversation...

        At least on Scruff - don't use Grindr because I really don't like the interface

        1. Nigel Whitfield.

          Re: Pictures of one's privates

          London here too; perhaps it's an age thing... or perhaps it's related to sexual taste. If you just want a quick game of hide the sausage, I suppose there's some merit in checking the merchandise. If your tastes are more exotic, there may often be other considerations that are more important.

          1. Mark 110 Silver badge

            Re: Pictures of one's privates

            Certainly on the straight sites best to keep your meat and veg out of sight. Evan the adult ones. I am not saying before I worked that out I didn't get any success, but have had much more since.

            1. Friendly Neighbourhood Coder Dan

              @ Mark - Re: Pictures of one's privates

              Market research is always important :-)

          2. Friendly Neighbourhood Coder Dan

            Re: Pictures of one's privates

            I - and I guess most guys on "dating" apps - use them for a quick fix rather than looking for the love of the month. For the latter, knowing that a person is *less than 1 km from you and online now* is not as relevant :-)

            A bit like going to the corner shop for a bag of crisps, when you are too hungry for the full but not immediate Pizza Hut treat

            That's what I meant, adding that even if it wasn't requested, few guys would object to receiving revealing pics.

            If a nice fella pulled his pants down in a different environment, say while queuing at a Lidl checkout, I'd find it a bit inappropriate and would make me decline an invitation to know each other over a pint.

            PS: I'd still look though ;-)

            1. Nigel Whitfield.

              Re: Pictures of one's privates

              "If a nice fella pulled his pants down in a different environment, say while queuing at a Lidl checkout, "

              Dan,

              I'm shocked. Lidl?

              Or were you just there for the rough trade?

              1. Friendly Neighbourhood Coder Dan

                Re: Pictures of one's privates

                Nigel, rough trade indeed!

                My local one is the one down the Old Kent Road, it adds to the experience.

                Can't beat that - just like its prices -

      2. Bloakey1

        Re: Pictures of one's privates

        <snip>

        "If you have nothing to offer but dick pics, well, I've probably seen enough to make a statistically relevant sample. Sending me even more just makes my eyes roll, and that of most of my fellow lovers of musical theatre."

        Oooh I say. I am a lover of musical theatre, I particularly like "Fanny by Gas Light" but well it was the eighties. You will be telling us next that you are an aficionado of Julian and Sandy who were made famous on Round the Horne and a right couple of thespians they were(1.).

        1. Wonderful program and if you do not know the boys then head to youtube they are oh so funny and were very naughty and avantgarde in their day

        brilliant prog.

        1. Nigel Whitfield.

          Re: Pictures of one's privates

          Ooh, ello Bloakey. Bona to vada your dolly old eek!

          I'd write more, but I've got a criminal practise that's taking up a lot of my time

          1. Bloakey1

            Re: Pictures of one's privates

            "Ooh, ello Bloakey. Bona to vada your dolly old eek!

            I'd write more, but I've got a criminal practise that's taking up a lot of my time"

            Howdy, I have a similar problem. I was done for assault with a blunt weapon and my girly was done at the same time for receiving swollen goods. Our case comes up next week!

            As Rambling Sid Rumpo would have said whilst dipping into his gander bag "I wordled my lassie and stung both my knees".

            1. Nigel Whitfield.

              Re: Pictures of one's privates

              On which topic, Round the Horne Revisited was a jolly romp, which I was fortunate enough to see when it was in the west end.

              For those who are completely oblivious, I recommend watching here.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Pictures of one's privates

          >Julian and Sandy

          There has been at least one complaint made to the BBC about Samantha, heaven knows how many complaints J&S would get these day.

          1. Nigel Whitfield.

            Re: Pictures of one's privates

            Listening to recordings of them with my mother (we also went to see the 'Revisited' show in the west end when it was on) she's amazed at what they got away with back then. For most of the show's run, homosexuality was still criminalised, too, which makes it even more surprising - it must have sailed completely over the heads of management.

            Unless ... (poses with little finger to corner of mouth) ... it was a Massive Homosexual Conspiracy.

            dah dah dah!

            Nah; you're avin a larf!

            1. MonkeyCee Silver badge

              Re: Pictures of one's privates

              "Unless ... (poses with little finger to corner of mouth) ... it was a Massive Homosexual Conspiracy."

              Isn't that the title of the beeb's HR department?

        3. Jedit
          Paris Hilton

          I particularly like "Fanny by Gas Light"

          That's all well and good, but you still shouldn't be sending people pictures of it.

          (Paris, because she knows this all too well.)

    2. Bloakey1

      Re: Pictures of one's privates

      "I guess the author of the article doesn't have many gay friends :-)"

      Yep, some of them are outrageous but then why not, life is short.

      The best app I ever saw was a couple of mates who had some kind of Gaydar that pinged and alerted others when it detected you in the vicinity. I suggested that my misses got one as she is always being eyed up by lesbians who then proceed to get agressive with me 'cos' she is mine.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Pictures of one's privates

      'Trust me, guys – even on a gay site, it makes you look a dick.'

      Personally I find the dickpix less challenging than the "hold open" shots.

  2. Jon 48

    You city types with your fancy ways

    The type of message you get on the gay apps definitely changes depending on where you are. In deepest Devon, you can often have a decent conversation that leads to a drink in the local. Then in the summer the tourists come down from London and attempt to start a chat with a photo of their junk and "Accom?".

    1. Nigel Whitfield.

      Re: You city types with your fancy ways

      If that happened to me, I'd be tempted to reply along the lines of "that's quite nice, but our bull's got a bigger one"

      1. Friendly Neighbourhood Coder Dan

        Re: You city types with your fancy ways

        "Our bull's got a bigger one"

        If that message goes viral, there will be a big increase in tourism from within the M25.

        So much so that I wouldn't be surprised if Thomas Cook started to offer package holidays.

        1. Thomas 4

          Re: You city types with your fancy ways

          If they do, I hope the plane has enough space for my hand luggage,

  3. h3

    I have never used a dating app or site and I don't think I ever will but surely the reason people send the dick pics is all you need is one win. (Similar sort of principle spammers use but with better odds).

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Linux

    a female perspective...

    '(don't worry, we'll be looking at this from a female perspective in a later piece)'

    Please, please let that be from The Moderatrix or Verity Stob (I promise to be good and not drool too much)

    > Penguin gimp mask obviously

    1. WraithCadmus
      Gimp

      Re: a female perspective...

      Why not the actual gimp mask? Or is yours at the dry-cleaners?

      1. Nigel Whitfield.

        Re: a female perspective...

        Only one gimp mask? I always take two into the shower!

        1. John G Imrie Silver badge

          Oh

          But how many gimp masks do you use? :-)

  5. Yugguy

    Rugged?????

    5'6" and 140lbs is not "rugged" son. You're about as rugged as a fart in a wind tunnel.

    1. Nigel Whitfield.

      Re: Rugged?????

      "Rugged" is one of those wonderfully flexible terms people love to use online, I find.

      "Swimmers body" is another. Based on some guys who use that description, I think they omitted "... in the chest freezer"

      1. Friendly Neighbourhood Coder Dan

        Re: Rugged?????

        My pet hate is "discreet"

        I still can't understand what they mean when they use that. So I copy and paste a list of questions hoping to get an answer. Nobody ever gives me one...

        "Discreet meaning? You are going to wear a hood? Peppa Pig mask? Marigold gloves so you don't leave fingerprints? A wig, and those plastic glasses with no lenses, plastic noses and moustaches underneath? Or do you think I want to pin you against Nelson's column at 1.30pm?"

        Maybe somebody on here can explain what "discreet" means in that context?

        1. Nigel Whitfield.

          Re: Rugged?????

          I think some people use "discreet" to mean "straight acting" because they have a tiny inkling that the latter is a bit of a questionable term and they think writing "I'm not one of those flappy flouncy types that gives us all a bad name" will take too long.

          I think "straight acting" really means "may throw up behind the sofa at parties"

        2. BinkyTheMagicPaperclip Silver badge

          Re: Rugged?????

          It's got multiple meanings. I guess in some cases it could mean straight acting but in my experience it either means 'I want to meet without my partner knowing' or 'I'm queer and my partner does not know' (*)

          Whilst I'm not inundated, it is not unknown as a bisexual man with a dating profile stating I'm almost entirely looking for women, to receive an e-mail from guys who are absolutely, 100% straight, yet still want to suck me off.. I guess I'm just irresistible *cough*.

          They almost always start with 'hi' and it's never worth replying as you know what's coming next. Openly queer guys are much nicer.

          (*) technically I suppose it could be the other way around, but it's about as rare as two lesbians looking for a man - it does happen, but it's terribly uncommon.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Rugged?????

        Swimmer's body: like a jellyfish, snailfish or hagfish?

    2. Gwaptiva

      Re: Rugged?????

      My body type is athletic

      Shotputters are athletes, right?

      Btw, real nerds don't own a smartphone, because they know it's a waste of money if nobody wants to talk to you

      1. Steven Raith
        Thumb Up

        Re: Rugged?????

        My favourite euphemism is that I'm in great shape.

        Round is a shape.

        Oddly, the ladies don't seem to agree. :-(

        Steven R

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    3 key words with any dating app, straight, gay, Bi or alien.

    Reverse Image Search

    1. squigbobble

      Alien dating?

      Do they have Trill? Irathians? Castithan?

  7. BinkyTheMagicPaperclip Silver badge

    OKCupid is good, POF is alright

    People will actually look at your profile (as a man mostly looking for women, this is not common practice on all dating sites) and I've had decent chats, a number of dates and made some friends.

    POF is a tad horrific at times, but I have had dates and casual encounters off it (sometimes they wanted more, but I didn't with them. Other times it's vice versa) so I can't really complain.

    I didn't get on well with match.com when I tried last, and guardian soulmates was a waste of time.

    1. dogged

      Re: OKCupid is good, POF is alright

      Guardian Soulmates isn't actually a thing. It's just Page 3 for middle-class people.

      1. Mark 110 Silver badge

        Re: OKCupid is good, POF is alright

        Guardian Soulmates is fantastic. Have had a great time on there since I split with my ex in June. I didn't even need to go looking - they all contacted me. Scheduling became an issue for a few weeks.

        Have kinda settled down with a beautiful law lecturer from there for the time being.

  8. Jediben
    Joke

    I used to think reading comments about Linux made me feel most like a stranger in a strange land, but now these gay apps have really made me feel all queer.

  9. Zog The Undeniable

    As it's Christmas, here's the secret

    Grow a beard for your photo. Of the top 20 rated men on Guardian Soulmates, 19 have full beards. It works for me - about 5 times the messages. Maybe only relevant to a leftie intellectual market, but hey.

  10. Ian Bremner

    Most are scams

    I'm not proud to say I've signed up for a few dating sites in the past and the experience has been variable to say the least. Most sites will not let you post messages until you've paid cash

    My method for signing up to a site is to just post a basic profile with no picture and wait for a week. If I'm inundated with posts from profiles of hot woman twenty years my junior desperate to hear from me and urging me to message them back then I unsubscribe immediately. There are too many sites that employ ringers whose sole purpose is tog et you to sign up in the vain hope that they are actually a) real and b) interested in you.

    As soon as you part with the cash and sign up, you never hear from them again and the messages almost immediately stop and they are notoriously difficult to unsubscribe as well (have to phone up a premium rate number between the hours of 7am and 7.30am every alternate Wednesday on a leap year).

  11. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    WTF?

    Er, why would you want an exact match?

    This is something I've never understood about services like match.com - why would someone with the exact same interests be the best match? Variety is the spice of life. I went through one period in my younger years when I only dated Greenpeace/CND types because angry sex was great! TBH, it's not very intellectually stimulating when you say "I believe x" or "I like x" and the only answer you get is "So do I". Mrs B is proudly independent and quite happy to argue her POV, and our backgrounds are very different. Am I missing something or is the whole match.com thing just a way of pairing off boring people? Seriously, I am curious as to how many people here found 'soulmates' that were mirror images and how many found themselves in love with a complete opposite?

  12. ecofeco Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    So 6 and one half dozen of the other?

    It seems technology has changed nothing. Dating is still a minefield and technology has only made it more complicated.

    One day someone might actually apply science to the problem instead of snake oil. Too bad science is so out of fashion these days.

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