back to article Apple knob refusenik Sir Jony Ive handed award - for talking BOLLOCKS

The delicate tech architect that is Apple’s Sir Jonathan of Ive is no stranger to accolades, and now he’s picked up another - for talking balls. The senior veep of design received a Kick in the Pants Award as part of the Plain English Campaign’s 35th annual embarrassment fest, for waxing lyrical about the Apple Watch. “The …

  1. stuartnz
    Thumb Up

    A rare moment of honesty?

    I tried clicking on the "send corrections" link, but absolutely nothing happened, so I'm assuming this is what he really DID say - very candid of him, I think:

    "“custom-design chip that integrates mangy sub-systems into one remarkably compact module, which is then encapsulated to protect the electronics”."

    1. LaeMing Bronze badge

      Re: A rare moment of honesty?

      I assume he picked up the word 'mangy' from the advertising drivel of whatever cpu house was touting 'mangy cores' a few whatsits back and thought it was an actual word that could be used in a general context.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: A rare moment of honesty? No, autocorrect and no peer review

        Too many Reg Journalists using tablets or phones with "Autocorrect" to write articles and there is apparently no overseeing editorial or peer review before submitting the article. Mangy was spelled correctly but was not the intended word. This is happening on multiple articles.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: A rare moment of honesty? No, autocorrect and no peer review

          Actually, a crown is what I've got to have removed in a couple of weeks before they drill the root out.

          Apparently the drill can break off in there. Sometimes I wish I hadn't grown up restoring motorcycle engines.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: A rare moment of honesty?

        Isn't mangy cores where they used to hold the French grand Prix?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A rare moment of honesty?

      I'm certainly no fan of sesquipedalianism or grandiloquence - but surely there is no problem with using the best word to describe an item - it is not just a knob - a crown describes (to most) exactly what it is for. I suppose you could argue crown is a subset of knob - well in that case you may as well say you came to work in a vehicle not a car or bike?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Trollface

        Re: you could argue crown is a subset of knob

        You could also argue that a crown is a bejewelled, metallic bunnet favoured by certain members of the aristocracy.

        -EDIT-

        Or indeed a bethorned, jaggy bunnet, not at all favoured by a certain, mythical superhero.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Crown is correct

    As much as I disagree a lot with Ive, his use of the term 'digital crown' is correct. A crown is the winder or adjuster on a watch and is in common parlance. So, because it is an input device for the electronics, I don't see why digital crown was deemed cringeworthy.

    Won't stop me mercilessly mocking anyone who gets one, though.

    1. MacroRodent Silver badge

      Re: Crown is correct

      Maybe it was common parlance when wrist watches were the kings of personal technology, but Ive's reference to it is the first I have seen for many years.

      (I stopped wearing wristwatches years ago, because they seriously irritated my problematic skin, particularly in winter, and the mobile phone became available as an adequate replacement timepiece. Apple and others can keep their smartwatches as far as I am concerned).

      1. werdsmith Silver badge

        Talking of plain English

        As an "adequate replacement timepiece" a mobile phone is less usable than a pocket watch on a chain - which the wristwatch, for good reason, replaced.

        Mobile Phone: Occupy free hand to retrieve from pocket, open case, press button to light screen, read time, close case, replace in pocket.

        Wristwatch: Twist wrist to face owner, read time.

        Even without a wraparound case on the phone, it's still not really in the same league for usability.

        On the other hand (!) it's not like the current time is unavailable, there are clocks everywhere, on home entertainment devices, computer screens, kitchen appliances, car dash, street advertising, office walls etc; so it's not like the ordinary man in the street depends on the church clock any more., plus the time is the same information for everybody in any one location. The personal notification alert is becoming the more important piece of information, which is where the convenience of a quick glance at your wrist is more useful than many who have not tried it yet realise.

        1. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: Talking of plain English

          Did you read why he doesn't wear a wrist watch? I don't wear one either for the same reason. The mobile phone works a charm for the few times I'm not around a clock like in a grocer's or other large store. As for the "features" of personal notification alerts"...meh.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Happy

            Re: Talking of plain English

            I only tend to wear a watch when it's impracticable to have a phone with me, such as in a swimming pool. Not that swimming pools don't have clocks, just I'm so short sighted I can't read the damn things.

            The other main time is when I go out, because it looks nice.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Talking of plain English

              Weird, init? People say 'I don't need a watch because my phone tells the time...' but few say, I don't need a mobile phone because I have a watch, it is lighter, has better battery life and is more convenient* AND it means I don't have to worry about anyone contacting me, shit news, facebook updates and dropping it.

              *I appreciate certain skin irritations aside - my wife also suffers and has to change watches on a regular basis, phone is out because of job.

              Oh yeah - shout outs to J...

              1. Chris G Silver badge

                Re: Talking of plain English

                Jony Ive.........Knob.......

                1. Graphsboy

                  Re: Talking of plain English

                  He has millions in the bank, lives in one of the best places in the world, has a job he loves, is famous for his skills and lives a lifestyle few of us can imagine. And you think he's a knob?

                  So how the f*ck do you compare Mr Nobody?

                  1. Anonymous Coward
                    Anonymous Coward

                    Re: Talking of plain English

                    "He has millions in the bank, lives in one of the best places in the world, has a job he loves, is famous for his skills and lives a lifestyle few of us can imagine. And you think he's a knob?"

                    Can also be used to describe Kim Kardashian.

                    "So how the f*ck do you compare Mr Nobody?"

                    I know some people get really touchy when the holy Apple saints aren't properly revered, but not everyone shares your love. It'll be OK.

                  2. Will Godfrey Silver badge

                    Re: Talking of plain English

                    @graphsboy

                    I think he's a nob too. Not fazed by his money, fame or (supposed) skills.

                    Oh, and I live in the best place in the world - surrounded by friends and familiy who love me just as I am.

                    1. Glenturret Single Malt

                      Re: Talking of plain English

                      He may be a nob (posh, loads of money) but is he a knob?

                  3. MJI Silver badge

                    Re: Talking of plain English (Graphsboy)

                    lives in one of the best places in the world,

                    I didn't know he lived in Cornwall!

              2. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Talking of plain English

                Sounds like you need to get her a better watch ;) Maybe something made from titanium or gold is probably less reactive than steel.

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  @ Ribblethrop Re: Talking of plain English

                  Re: 4x4 spare wheel crown.

                  I feel that you should be introduced to the Oris Big Crown Commander. Originally developed to allow easy adjustment whilst wearing flying gloves.

                  Flying gloves, iWatch, sounds like a match made in Hipster Heaven. Or Portland/Shoreditch*

                  *depending on your POO.**

                  **Ha Poo! I meant to abr. Point of Origin.

                  1. AbelSoul
                    Trollface

                    Re: *depending on your POO.

                    At this time of year, surely that would be Mr. Hanky?

                  2. Anonymous Coward
                    Anonymous Coward

                    Re: @ Ribblethrop Talking of plain English

                    Re: 4x4 spare wheel crown #2 - ...or try an IWC Big Pilot. Truly a wrist monster.

            2. Khaptain Silver badge

              Re: Talking of plain English

              I think that one of the reasons for which I gave up a watch was due to the fact the I wear it on my right wrist, which is the same side as my mouse hand... The watch strap/buckle would rub/click/clank on the desk, catch on the mousepad ( if anyone still remembers what they are) and generally be a damned nuisance.

              And no, before anyone makes the obvious statement, I refuse to wear it on the left hand, just as I won't/refuse/do not want to eat with a fork in my left hand.

              I am not left handed, it is just that personally I feel that certain tasks are much easier "the other way round".

              1. DaLo

                @Khaptain Re: Talking of plain English

                "The watch strap/buckle would rub/click/clank on the desk, catch on the mousepad ( if anyone still remembers what they are) and generally be a damned nuisance."

                [talking about why to use it on the right wrist on the left] "I feel that certain tasks are much easier "the other way round"."

                These two statements seem to show an inconsistency.

                1. Khaptain Silver badge

                  Re: @Khaptain Talking of plain English

                  "I feel that certain tasks are much easier "the other way round"."

                  As mentioned only "certain" tasks are easier : explanation

                  Traditionally the fork, as far my parents led me to believe anyway, is held in the left hand, I prefer the right as I feel it is the most articulate/agile/precise hand. Hence I also use the mouse right handed and "kept" my watch on the right hand. All of this I find to be very consistent.

                  1. Spleen

                    Re: @Khaptain Talking of plain English

                    "Traditionally the fork, as far my parents led me to believe anyway, is held in the left hand, I prefer the right as I feel it is the most articulate/agile/precise hand. "

                    The most precise hand needs to be used for the knife, because cutting with a knife requires more precision than stabbing with a fork. If you never found it difficult to cut food with your left hand then you are probably ambidextrous - well done.

            3. Seanmon
              Thumb Up

              Re: Talking of plain English

              Yep. I've inherited a rather rare omega wristwatch and a WW1 era pocket watch from my late grandfather. Both are shit, but goddammit they look good.

              1. Will Godfrey Silver badge
                Happy

                Re: Talking of plain English

                I stopped wearing a watch to get away from the obsession of wanting (not needing) to know the time.

                It worked. Mostly my terms of reference now are 'soon', 'later', 'this morning', 'this afternoon', 'today', etc.

              2. tony
                Happy

                Re: Talking of plain English

                "I've inherited a rather rare omega wristwatch and a WW1 era pocket watch from my late grandfather. Both are shit, but goddammit they look good."

                I also inherited a rare wristwatch first purchased by my great grand father the day he went to War, after the war he took it off and kept it in a coffee can until his son, my grand father, was called into service during the Second World War...

            4. druck

              Re: Talking of plain English

              Lost all faith... wrote:

              I only tend to wear a watch when it's impracticable to have a phone with me, such as in a swimming pool. Not that swimming pools don't have clocks, just I'm so short sighted I can't read the damn things.

              I have the opposite problem, I'm now so long sighted my wrist is too close to see without getting my glasses, so fishing the phone out of a pocket is quicker. I still wear the watch out of habit though.

          2. Amorous Cowherder
            Coat

            Re: Talking of plain English

            I've not worn a watch for almost 25 years now. I used to have a watch when I was a kid, every nerdy kid like me had a Casio calculator watch for Xmas. However I reached my late teens I found I hated covering my wrists, one of my odd little foibles., I always roll the cuffs up on my work shirts as I hate them covering my wrists. I obviously roll them down for important meetings but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I can only guess it's some bizarre mental thing about showing my honesty, "nothing up my sleeve" so to speak. Strangely cuffs on coats don't bother me!

        2. Greencat

          Re: Talking of plain English

          I'd say the usability was very nearly the same as a pocket watch. Pull out of pocket. Optionally (if it hasn't been clipped as you pull it out) press top button. Read time. Put back in pocket.

          Quite often the pull/put back in pocket can be skipped if the phone is on the desk next to you.

          At night time (when plugged in), I simply ask it what's the time - and it'll read it out to me. That saves a fumble in the darkness to find the time keeping device, and the bleary eyed focus on it - often enough to rouse me from my sleep completely.

          Plus I never have to remember to check if the time on the phone is correct, and change if not. The phone does it all by itself. And by forgoing a watch I have one less device to worry about keeping safe, putting on in the morning etc.

          I'm never going to ditch the phone for a watch, but have happily got rid of the watch in favour of the phone.

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Talking of plain English

          I stopped wearing a watch because all it did was tell the time (and I'm surrounded by clocks etc.) - but the Apple Watch is genuinely interesting in that apart from it can be used to tell them time (a minor issue) it can do so much more than does add value. Being able to see who is calling without getting my phone out, quick replies to text messages and more...

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Talking of plain English

            > but the Apple Watch is genuinely interesting

            And magical! Apple are so clever to have invented such a unique device!

        4. Glenturret Single Malt

          Re: Talking of plain English

          Step 2 (Wristwatch) is only straightforward if the wristwatch has an old-fashioned analogue display (circle of numbers, big hand, little hand). In that case appreciation of the time is essentially instantaneous

          If, however, the watch has a digital display, the procedure becomes more like: Twist wrist to face owner, curse, fumble in pocket for spectacle case, open it and put on specs (assuming I haven't left them on my desk upstairs if I am downstairs or in the kitchen downstairs if I am upstairs, read display, mentally convert it to a "real" time (e.g. 15:48 becomes Ah, nearly ten to four), make short trip tp local shop to buy new battery for old-style watch.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Crown is correct

        "...but Ive's reference to it is the first I have seen for many years."

        Why would you if don't use watches or attend Horology meetings?

        I was telling my cousin about the announced fork of Debian the other day and why systemd vs system V. He is a plumber. I used lots of terms that, for him, are not common parlance. He wasn't interested but I bored him with it anyway*. Personally, I thought of it as paying him back for laughing at my terms for various things he has contact with day to day, including my use of the term 'butterfly valve' every time I man a 3-way valve.

        True story.

        *Just like I am boring you, now...

        1. Ledswinger Silver badge

          Re: Crown is correct@ m0rt

          "He wasn't interested but I bored him with it anyway"

          I take my hat off to you, sir! What is the point in knowing stuff if you keep it to yourself?

          In such situations I do likewise, but it does raise a philosophical conundrum, as to whether the people being involuntarily educated by the wise are cannon fodder, or collateral damage. Given that half of us round these parts are somewhere on the spectrum, I suppose the usual answer to that conundrum is "does it matter?"

      3. Gene Cash Silver badge

        Re: Crown is correct

        I've got a current model Citizen Eco-Drive, and "crown" is the term they use to refer to the knob on the side you pull out to change modes and settings. This usage is in both the manual and their YouTube videos.

    2. Ribblethrop

      Re: Crown is correct

      Crown is too diminuitive a word,because it is massive, like an enormous spare wheel on the back of a 4x4.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Crown is correct

      Right up until the point when you get one eh?

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Crown is correct

      "Crown" is the correct term for that part of a watch, using the adjective "digital" is kitschy.

      The watch itself is not innovative, it is however digital (I was going to say "very digital" but that would be redundant).

      If Apple described their iWatch as a "digital-watch" it would have all of the appeal of a light-switch, but an iWatch with a "Digital Crown", well, that just makes it more desirable to their consumer aristocracy.

  3. Oz
    Headmaster

    amanfrommars

    "The attitude of churlish indifference seems like nerdish deference contrasted with the belligerent antipathy of the indigenous farm folk, who regard the hippie-dippie interlopers, the denizens of the shimmering tit temples, as one fey step away from transvestites."

    This is not Russell Brand speak, but a quote from amanfrommars! (Professor icon for obvious reasons)

    1. Valeyard

      Re: amanfrommars

      Oh God I think you're on to something there.

      I've never seen them in the same place at the same time..

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: amanfrommars

      PARKLIFE!

  4. Khaptain Silver badge
    Coat

    Rejected alternatives

    Initially that particular appendix was to be named the "Jony Knob" but apparently the shareholders couldn't agree on what a Jony was...

    Another nomination was "the wee button on the side", but Jock MacTavish was just given a hard stare for his lacklustre, yet correct suggestion.

    The 2nd tier marketing department were also slapped for their suggesion of "The most unbelievably amazing , magically shiny, magnificantly superb bringer of untold riches, 360° circular infinite adjustment device". The shareholders weren't actually capable of retaining that many words in one sentence.

    1. Khaptain Silver badge

      Re: Rejected alternatives

      Appendice not Appendix , lol

      1. Martin
        Headmaster

        Re: Rejected alternatives

        Appendage.

        1. Khaptain Silver badge

          Re: Rejected alternatives

          Mea culpa, je pense en Francais instead of thinking in English...

          Appendice est la bonne terme en Francais and as correctly corrected by our dear Grammar Nazi should have been "Appendage" when writing English.

          I have spoken French for more years than I have English now and I am currently at a state where I no longer realise which is correct, due to them both being correct.... ( I am a native English speaker but have spent more years abroad than I have in the UK). It's not a good excuse, it's just the reason.

  5. Fihart

    Digital crown ??

    Mr Ive should watch his mail for a letter from the lawyers for Rolex -- their winder (plain English) already has a crown on it.

    1. nematoad Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: Digital crown ??

      " their winder (plain English) already has a crown on it."

      Nope, Rolexs are automatics, they don't need a winder.

      It is a crown as it's used to adjust the time, date etc.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Digital crown ??

        > Nope, Rolexs are automatics, they don't need a winder.

        I believe (like most automatics) they can be wound manually using the crown. It's for when you need to start them after they have been stopped for a while.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sorry...

    must have missed the millisecond where RB was ever funny!

  7. thomas k.

    Russell Brand

    Well, with that mangy beard and those tats, I doubt any of the "indigenous farm folk" would mistake *him* for a transvestite (or even being one step away).

    1. TitterYeNot

      Re: Russell Brand

      Please, please, please keep on giving Mr. Brand awards for talking utter bollocks his cunning wordsmithery - anything that acts as a distraction and stops him from appearing in another film can only be a good thing...

      1. MJI Silver badge

        Re: Russell Brand

        He knows lots of words but not how to use them.

        I also notice I am from from being his only hater, he is so annoying that sometimes I could smack him!

        1. AbelSoul
          Facepalm

          Re: Russell Brand

          He knows lots of words but not how to use them.

          I also notice I am from from being.....

          Bravo sir, well played.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Talking Bollocks

    Nobody did it better than Jonathan Miller and Bernard Levin.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEJz6p5Rndk

    1. Just Enough
      Thumb Up

      Re: Talking Bollocks

      "Call me Ishmael, Jonathan"

      I knew what that was going to be before I even clicked on it.

  9. bpfh
    Trollface

    That sub title should have been more like...

    ..."John Ive waxes lyrical about playing with his knob"...

  10. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Mangy

    adj: having many worn or threadbare spots in the nap

    Or more likely in the app.

  11. Mage Silver badge

    responsible for creating the company’s most iconic kit,

    STYLING the company's kit.

    He doesn't program, design electronics or systems for Apple. Only styles the box (and sometimes GUI appearance) copying Dieter Rams designs for Braun in late 1950s and early 1960s.

    He hasn't created any kit ever, as far as I know.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: responsible for creating the company’s most iconic kit,

      He's head of industrial design. Any "boss" doesn't do any of the design work.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: responsible for creating the company’s most iconic kit,

      Once again someone thinks they are clever by citing Dieter Rams.

      There is nothing except for a cigarette lighter in the entire Braun catalogue that looks remotely like an Apple product. And just for the record, Dieter Rams has publicly acknowledged his respect for JI and his designs. He doesn't seem to think they look like Braun products.

  12. Whitter
    Headmaster

    Time and place

    The Plain English campaign is a good idea for public services; notices; instruction manuals and the like.

    Less so for literary prose; tabloid cheeky turn-of-phrase or enthusiastic announcements by "celebs".

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Time and place

      I agree Plain English has it's place but can you imagine books / poetry if they had to be written in that way - would be pretty dry. But I think when the designer of a product he is clearly passionate about adds in a few embellishments can you really blame him.

      Imagine if he had said:

      "Here is this new watch we just designed. We think it is quite nice and hope you do too. It tells the time and has some other useful features. It is made from quality materials. Thank you."

      1. Jes.e

        Re: Time and place

        "Here is this new watch we just designed. We think it is quite nice and hope you do too. It tells the time and has some other useful features. It is made from quality materials. Thank you."

        Ah. Time to re-watch "The Invention of Lying".

        Lots of brilliant stuff in there.

  13. chivo243 Silver badge

    Anybody out there think of

    Bullshit bingo when you read any of Jony's stuff?

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hi Jonny, is that a 'Digital Crown' in your pocket?

    Or are you just pleased to see me?

  15. Captain Hogwash Silver badge
    Headmaster

    wrist fondler

    Do you mean wrist fondlee? Surely the wrist fondler is the wearer of the device, not the device itself.

  16. kmac499

    Other places to hang your time piece

    Sir Bufton Tufton and the white rabbit can have Pocket\Fob watches very good for snazzy dressing and for checking the time with a flourish while muttering "I'm late" Lot's of true design opportunities in the chain and Fob

    Terry Jones ( He of Python fame) has quite a natty watch on a short strap hanging from his trouser belt. Very useful for those of us a certain age with increasing focal lengths. Considering the location I would insist on a waterproof one tho'.(another older person challenge)

    Crag Rats and other sporty types can embed a clock in a carabiner and leave it clipped on halfway up Everest ( other mountains are available)

    Nurses or other Health carers have an upside down watch on their chest.. "Ooh sorry nurse I was just trying to read the time Honest.."

    My Missus has her nursey style watch on the strap of her handbag. The only way I could get her to carry a watch so when 'shopping', and I suggest "meet back here in fifteen minutes" she's only half an hour late.

    So come on Jony get the marker pens out and design something novel..

  17. Diogenes

    Whalesong

    He is a designer, he is paid to speak in in whalesong.

  18. Cynicalmark
    WTF?

    Sorry i'm late

    i got my digital crown stuck in my leg covering access slot following a waste product download in the general hygiene room of my abode.

    Hayyyyh thankyawwww :)

  19. Alan Welk

    Jony Ive..

    ..Crowned King Bullshitter has had previous form with this smaller Ipad quote: "If all that we’d done was take the original iPad and just reduce it, all that you would be aware of was everything that was just missing. That there is inherent loss in just reducing a product in size. What we did was we went back to the very beginning and we took the time to design a product that was a concentration of, not a reduction of, the original.”

  20. Wisteela

    What a load of pretentious crap

  21. razorfishsl

    He wins awards for a master of design....

    But in reality the products are complete fucking shite.

    wireless Apple mouse

    1. does not work reliably with rechargeable batteries. (mis configured buck converter inside)

    2. Piss poor battery space not all AA batteries fit

    3. Piss poor shaped battery contacts with weak springs

    4. Vibration causes batteries to move and BT to continually drop out.

    Mac mini.

    1. Piss poor air ventilation underneath, designed to vacuums up dust and fluff into the absolute inner workings, requiring a massive strip down. (we don't all work in clean rooms ives you twat)

    2. Lightning connectors on back too close together to even allow apple plugs to go in straight , if HDMI cable fitted.

    3. Overheats regularly if used in Asia.... Where the ambient starts at 25-27 deg.

    4. Air ducting inside so restrictive, that the volume of air moved by fan creates a significant vacuum round the fan causing dust & fluff to snag on blades in a matter of weeks after purchase.

    5. sticky oil on exposed bearings of fan collect dust and shite around critical point

    Would you honestly expect his use of the English language to NOT match his design abilities?

    What could be excellent designs are turned to shite due to mediocre research and lack of insight

    Even the worst hookers can look good if the slap is applied correctly.

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