back to article The Nokia ENIGMA THING and its SECRET, TERRIBLE purpose

Ever since Nokia sold its Devices'n'Services unit to Microsoft, fans of the one-time Finnish titan have been wondering whether it will be able to regain its position as one of the world's biggest tech names. But with its surprise tweet of a mystery product on Monday, online buzz has gone into overdrive. Guess what? We’re up …

  1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    I no what it is

    A grammar checker

    1. xperroni
      Paris Hilton

      U no get it

      It was a pun, a roundabout way of saying they don't know what it is. I "no know", get it?

      Surely there's no way El Reg's revision desk could ever get so lax as to let slip such a glaring mistake right at the subtitle!

      1. Captain DaFt

        Re: U no get it

        "It was a pun, a roundabout way of saying they don't know what it is. I "no know", get it?"

        Exactly!

        "Surely there's no way El Reg's revision desk could ever get so lax as to let slip such a glaring mistake right at the subtitle!"

        MMF... Mmf... Fffflplt-HA HAAAA! <snerk> Bwaaaa-HAHAHAW!

        Damn! Good one!

    2. Doogs

      Re: I no what it is

      As any fule kno...

    3. Hans 1 Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: I no what it is

      >I no what it is

      >A grammar checker

      Well, apparently, el'reg journos are fluent in pigeon English.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I no what it is

        Seeing as how we're commenting on grammar, I feel compelled to point out that the term you're looking for is Pidgin English ;)

        1. frank ly Silver badge
          Facepalm

          Re: I no what it is

          You're giving examples of spelling mistakes, not grammatical errors.

    4. TheOtherHobbes

      Re: I no what it is

      This is IT. Grammar is for English teachers, and compiler writers. (Sometimes.)

      I think it's a WiFi biscuit tin that Tweets a reminder when you're about to run out of chocolate bourbons.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Devil

        Re: I no what it is

        .I think it's a WiFi biscuit tin that Tweets a reminder when you're about to run out of chocolate bourbons.

        When you run out of bourbons it then plays the Hallelujah Chorus. It also tracks down the credit card and store that were used to purchase them, so that it can find out who bought horrible, cardboard, fake-chocolate tasting, yucky bourbons, and despatches a Reaper drone to their current location, so they can be terminated with extreme prejudice. Then orders you some decent biscuits.

        I'm aware that I may have upset the bourbon taliban with my post. But I can take them on! I will not be silenced! Chocolate Covered Gingers FOR EVVVEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

        1. David 132 Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: I no what it is

          > I'm aware that I may have upset the bourbon taliban

          Led, I believe, by General Garibaldi.

          Who is apparently one tough cookie.

    5. Kenny Millar

      Re: I no what it is

      I thought the "no" was a reference to Nokia, actually.

    6. Bob Vistakin
      Facepalm

      It's clearly a burning platform extinguisher

      Combined with an asshole detector, which causes any it encounters to leap from it into the fires of hell.

  2. Paul Crawford Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Teledildonics

    I'm betting on a nice matching his&hers[1] remotely linked sex toys all in a discrete black box. And guaranteed to fit her black box as well (other colours supported).

    [1] Also fits his&his, or hers&hers, of course.

    1. Steve Evans

      Re: Teledildonics

      If it was inspired by Elop, then it'll shaft you from behind when you claim you least expected it, whilst the entire world has been sitting back predicting the impending impalement for several months.

    2. fearnothing
      Coat

      Re: Teledildonics

      I sincerely hope it's a discrete box. I wouldn't want to get anyone else's sex toys along with my order!

      1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        @fearnothing

        Well played!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Teledildonics

      FuFme cornered that market years ago. OK - but this could be a wireless implementation.. the original was strictly wired ethernet...

      1. danbi

        Re: Teledildonics

        Nope, the originals were fitting 5.25" bays on a desktop.

        The Internet was all over modem that days.

  3. Steve Knox
    Boffin

    It's the Internet

    They just haven't fitted the flashy light to it yet.

    1. GrantB

      Re: It's the Internet

      Makes sense. The Internet is after all just a small black box with a blinking red light and completely wireless.

      Hope that Nokia knows that if the red light on the top of the box stops flashing, the Internet will be destroyed.... or at least an epic fist-fight break out.

      1. fearnothing

        Re: It's the Internet

        And as we know by now, the winner is Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater.

  4. DropBear Silver badge
    Trollface

    It's a Nokia case for iPhones - come on, the rounded corners are a dead giveaway...

    1. dogged
      Facepalm

      Turns out it was just another Foxconn android tablet.

  5. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
    Happy

    NoXo cubes

    Reindeer flavoured stock cubes. For all your festive stews. Yum!

    (Pedant disclaimer: Cubes because they come stacked in packs of three)

    1. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

      Re: NoXo cubes

      I've had reindeer. It's quite tasty if prepared properly.

  6. x 7

    Its a communications encryption device: an off-the-shelf TOR gateway that provides end-to-end encryption, but also acts as a local mobile phone cell, routing calls via TOR. Sales volume is the key point - when sales hit a critical mass, GCHQ's attempts at tracking the gateways will be overwhelmed.

    1. dogged

      I was actually thinking "femtocell".

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        "I was actually thinking "femtocell".

        Me too. And a home router all-in-one. You plug it into your "up to" broadband.

  7. Gruntled

    5. A marijuana vaporizer

    Not just a marijuana vaporizer, but a NETWORKED marijuana vaporizer! Think of the possibilities.

    1. ThomH Silver badge

      Re: 5. A marijuana vaporizer

      You could sell geographic distribution information to kebab vans?

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Most people check the time on their phones these days, rather than on wristwatches."

    No, they don't. Some people do. You people really need to get out a bit and look at the people in the real world.

    1. J. R. Hartley Silver badge

      What's an 'wristwatches'?

      1. xperroni
        Coat

        What's an 'wristwatches'?

        It's a mechanical device people used in centuries past to take care of their wrists. You know, to ensure they don't wander away unnoticed and the like.

        1. Michael Habel Silver badge

          A Digital Device that was used to tell time to the primitive lifeforms of the Planet Earth. Apparently they thought it was a pretty neat idea at the time....

    2. Tom Maddox Silver badge
      Trollface

      Most people . . . apart from hipsters and the elderly.

  9. Tapeador

    A mysterious Mac-Mini-shaped obelisk

    sent from another planet, to plant the seed of intelligence within the grunting sweaty bearded Homo Sapiens.

    1. TitterYeNot

      Re: A mysterious Mac-Mini-shaped obelisk

      "sent from another planet, to plant the seed of intelligence within the grunting sweaty bearded Homo Sapiens"

      Excellent! Any idea when they're planning to switch it on?

  10. This post has been deleted by its author

  11. Goldmember

    My first thought

    After PC was 'games console', maybe an Android-based one (or a VERY long shot; a Symbian OS one).

    But the weed vaporizer would probably be more successful.

    1. stucs201

      Re: My first thought

      If it is a games console it better have Snake.

  12. VeganVegan
    Happy

    Let's see, is the box air-tight?

    If it is, then it can't be a burning platform.

    If it is not, all bets are off.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    With Microsoft dreaming of double-digit penetration

    I'd have nightmares about this, in more than one sense.

  14. Mark 85 Silver badge

    Doesn't matter what it is..

    But the result will be another headache for tech support/hell desk at most companies fed by the Marketing Dept. and upper management absolutely needing to have the latest and greatest new thingy to brag about to everyone who doesn't have one. Then the middie types will want them... and down the food chain... and they'll all end up standing outside of IT asking to be shown how to use it and "please fix it, it's not working."

    Been there, done that, got the battle scars.

  15. James Wheeler

    I like the Reg staff's ideas better, but...

    ... it might be a "personal cloud" server.

    1. Lionel Baden

      Re: I like the Reg staff's ideas better, but...

      that would be nice,

      so its a pc ?

    2. GrumpyOldMan

      Personal Cloud Server...?

      So a Weed Vapouriser after all then....?

  16. poopypants

    I wonder

    if it's bigger on the inside.

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge

      Re: I wonder

      And probably full of schoolkids and other random passengers...

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Microsoft's next CEO

    "Many expected ex-Nokia CEO Stephen Elop to get the top job at Microsoft after Steve Ballmer stepped down."

    Er, who exactly? Elop himself (surely), his mother (possibly), dim witted tech journalists... ok, yeah, there's quite a few of these.

  18. Eddy Ito Silver badge

    It's obviously the 2" square brain box for a connected cloud persona. You just leave it in your pocket and it works with all your other toys that change from being expensive devices with their own data plan to simple I/O interfaces that use the common box. Soon everything from your mirrorless system camera, phone earpiece, bonkable pay dongle or 9" web display will be simple and connected to a single point of intercloudy goodness.

  19. Eugene Crosser

    It's a tyre repair kit

    just saying

  20. dan1980

    Solved it

    It appears to be a prop that they can use when congratulating themselves in front of a receptive audience.

    It will also form the basis of several slides (and accompanying narration) bearing terms like "innovative", "connected", "game changing", "integrated", "native", "cross device" and "all your . . ."

    1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

      Re: Solved it

      Isn't it a bit early to be playing bullshit bingo?

  21. bigdish

    Sorry to be boring....

    ...but it's going to be a 4G femtocell box that supports VoLTE and SR-VCC (and maybe LIPA & SIPTO, if they still exist) and plays nicely within a HetNet....and all that stuff...isn't it? All the rarely-used bits of 3GPP in one box!

  22. imanidiot Silver badge
    Joke

    It's a scale model

    of the gigantic planet destroying spaceship they are building.

    1. Captain DaFt

      Re: It's a scale model

      No, It's full scale!

      Obviously Nokia has sold out humanity to the G'Gugvuntt and Vl'hurg, designing them a planet destroying spaceship that's too big to be swallowed by a small dog.

      It looks like Nokia really took the loss of their cellphones popularity to heart.

  23. Christian Berger Silver badge

    It's most likely something to plug into your TV or perhaps some pico basestation

    Nokia already has had lots of experience with "things to plug into your TV" with their rather successful line of analogue and digital satellite receivers. They even supplied 2 generations of equipment to what's now known as Sky Germany.

    Plus they even used to build rather decent TV sets. They had nice pictures... but broke rather quickly. They had Level 2.5 teletext decoders, which had buffer overflows so one of the _many_ patches was a software update to the teletext decoder.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teletext#mediaviewer/File:Teletext_level1_0_lebel2_5.jpg

    1. Michael Habel Silver badge

      Re: It's most likely something to plug into your TV or perhaps some pico basestation

      I kinda miss the old DBoxII well.. At least its spirit still lives on in the DreamBox.

      But, I kinda swore off both Cable, and Satellite, for the bright future of IPTV, and a small Android Box that runs XBMC / Kodi.

      So far I've had no 'cause to regret this decision. As an added bonus I also have regained access to BBC's 1-4 again. Granted they're not in 720p HD like they used to be once upon a time. But, like with USTV Now (ABC, CBS, CW, Fox NBC and PBS) I'm happy to take what I can! And I do watch that now more so then the BBC itself.

      So I'll cast my vote for a Streaming Video / Game Box, with Nokia currently developing the backend of it. Should they be successful at this attempt I think they'll blow Apple clear outta the Water with it. But, I guess that depends more on what this thing is likely to cost in the short-term. But, if there BIG IDEA is to sell long-term Subscriptions to this Video / Gaming System.... Then it could well be a Money Spinner for 'em.

  24. Hans 1 Silver badge

    I think it is a gaming rig - follow the link, at 11:00 on first day of slush they are presenting a game - and 25 minutes after that Nokia announces the mystery device.

    1. Hans 1 Silver badge
      Happy

      Steam box.

      Nokia are on the silver stage := gaming stage. Steam has all the games ready, it will be a Linux-based steam-dream-machine.

  25. Yru

    femtocell?

    or some networked thingy for the home. looks purdy...

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My guess....

    ...boring, but going by the line up on the website, a games console. Most likely some Andriod thingy.

  27. Ralph the Wonder Llama
    Meh

    It's got a cat in it...

    ...or has it?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: It's got a cat in it...

      yes it has

      and no it has not.

    2. Justin Case
      Happy

      Re: It's got a cat in it...

      Beat me to it! Damn you.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    HHGTTG

    Version 3

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bless them

    Nokia should just save themselves some time and money by not even bothering to produce these piling steam boxes and just skip straight to the part where they announce they are going to produce a Windows RT version in shocking purple or bright orange and then flog it to Microsoft

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's a competitor to the Kindle Fire.

    Introducing the Nokia Peat Briquette.

  31. Arachnoid

    Hmm.......

    Well it would have to be something to sell.....er compliment Microsoft products so maybe a networkable box for cloud based services like storage and software applications like online Office and gaming that only requires a mouse, keyboard and HDTV to operate rather than a conventional PC based system.

  32. Ken 16 Silver badge
    Pint

    portable Sauna Heater?

    Finnish, smoky?

  33. Dick Pountain

    It's clearly a secure box to store all your old redundant Rolexes in

  34. Ben Bonsall

    When you touch it, a small worrying sign lights up saying 'Panic' and it transforms into a bird.

  35. oomwat

    Grammar troll

    I know you're trolling, but the grammar is too strong!

  36. Ralph76

    IoE device?

    I am very surprised that the article didn't suggest it might be some kind of Internet of Everything device!

  37. GreggS

    Ho, Hum

    It's an Android tablet!

    1. dogged

      Re: Ho, Hum

      Yes, it is.

      Made in China, rebadged by Nokia, sold in... China.

      Looks like a winning strategy? Maybe? No?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ho, Hum

        Grr, how dull. Haven't they overdone the packaging then?

        http://static.neow.in/images/uploaded/2014/11/device_delivery_ae_07_00467.jpg

  38. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    It's obvious

    It's an 8'' floppy disk drive. Configured as NAS.

  39. tempemeaty
    Pint

    Ummm.....yeah...

    A holographic penguin projector?

  40. Fihart

    eByGumBoots

    It's the latest cool packaging for Nokia's second best-known product line. With networking added.

  41. tempemeaty

    ...then there's this...

    A flattened cube of dark matter?

  42. Zog_but_not_the_first Silver badge
    IT Angle

    It's...

    The Internet!

    As revealed by the IT Crowd.

  43. Andrew_b65

    The box

    When you open the box there is a big red button. If you press it, someone you do not know will die and you will receive £1 million. Something to do with space aliens.

    1. stucs201

      Re: The box

      And then they collect the box and give it to someone else who does not know you.

    2. Michael Habel Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: The box

      When you open the box there is a big red button. If you press it, someone you do not know will die and you will receive £1 million. Something to do with space aliens.

      I'd slam that button like the fist of an angry God for a Million Pounds Sterling.... Repeatedly!

  44. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Black Box

    When it is opened, try not to pick the strawberry creme

  45. Sheep!

    "breathe new life into its moribund Symbian OS...."

    And for their next trick they will release a new Betamax video recorder and HD DVD player...

  46. Phil_Evans

    <insert name here> Carrier booster

    Surely with their heritage, it must be a 3/4G booster-box that doesn't zap you if you get too close? "Nokia to end the no-spot debacle worldwide..." ?

  47. Bob Wheeler

    Tin Foil Hat time

    NSA/GCHQ are having hugh problems processing all the data they have been creaming off the world population.

    So they came up with the idea of put a box in everyone's home that dose all the pre-processing of trawling through all your data and files locally and sending the results back to them.

    Oh and BTW you cna play games on it as well.

  48. kmac499

    It's a thermostatic light switch

    Dear Google;

    Just thought you might like to buy one of these thermostatic light switches to go with your Nest-y things Yours for only 2 billion markka .. or dollars if it's easier for you..

    Love Nokia

  49. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge

    It's a bacon dispenser.

    Push Button, Receive Bacon.

    Now where is the button?

  50. tirk
    Coat

    A fire extinguisher?

    For the burning platform.

  51. Frankee Llonnygog

    It's a percussion instrument

    Getting ready for The Internet of Tings

  52. Dave Lawton
    Holmes

    Well I never

    It's an Android tablet !

    1. BleedinObvious

      Re: Well I never

      Looks nice too, might get myself one instead of a Nexus 9. $249 for a Intel quad-2.3ghz Android 8" tablet with 4:3 many-pixel screen, intel so should have screaming performance. Only 2gb ram though.

      1. Dave Lawton
        FAIL

        Re: Well I never

        Well that's crossed it off my Christmas list :(

        Why oh why did they have to use a POS intel proc.

  53. Uncle Ron

    It's the Nokia Not-Roku

    The "Not-Roku" will attempt to compete with the Roku streaming box. It's a "Not-Roku" so it will Not have the following: HDMI, Fast Processor, Wi-Fi Direct Remote, Headphone Jack in Remote, Light Weight, Many Channels, Smart, Intuitive Interface, Not Ranked #1 (of 18 streaming boxes including AppleTV) by Time Magazine. I'm excited.

  54. Osgard Leach

    Would be interesting to see how many they sold if they actually never told people what it's for. It's a black box.

    Then let Apple pull the same stunt with a white box and compare the sales figures.

  55. zen1

    But

    Would it be ground shattering enough to get nokia back into the lime light? I hope because I really liked their products, before the decline.

  56. Lynrd

    My God

    it's full of stars

  57. Not Elvis

    It's a connectivity device to communicate with Amanfrommars. Tinfoil hat not included.

  58. WylieCoyoteUK
    Devil

    Elon Musk knows.....

    But he thought it was 5 years away

    BwaaaHaaaHaaa

    .

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