back to article Got a STRAP-ON? Remember to TAKE IT OFF at WORK

As soon as I arrive at a client’s office, I take everything off. The scratchy, suffocating feeling produced simply by wearing stuff drives me to distraction, so whenever I get the chance, off it comes. Oh to feel the air on my skin... My clothes, you will be relieved to learn, remain distributed in rough approximation of …

  1. frank ly Silver badge

    re. Rampant Rabbi, etc.

    I didn't believe you, until I looked at the website. Now, I don't believe the website. (No, I'm not going to order one to find out.)

    1. king of foo

      Re: re. Rampant Rabbi, etc.

      I now know where I'm buying ALL my Christmas presents!

      1. VeganVegan

        Re: re. Rampant Rabbi, etc.

        Mr. Foo and Mr. Dabbs must be wallowing in cash.

        Those "pieces" at Masterpieces go for hundreds of pounds a piece.

        For that kind of money, I would not only expect them to tell time, have a NTP receiver, but also to play Angry Birds!

        1. Alistair Dabbs

          Re: re. Rampant Rabbi, etc.

          I think a Rampant Rabbi ensures you don't have any angry birds. Ahem.

    2. Arctic fox
      Happy

      I don't know what you think but I think that Alastair could have rephrased this.......

      ......"At least, no one will ask you to come again."

      In the context.....hmm?

    3. Suricou Raven

      Re: re. Rampant Rabbi, etc.

      There are quite a few companies specializing in novelty sex toys. The 'I Love My Ducky' range and anything from Bad Dragon come to mind.

      1. Danny 14 Silver badge

        Re: re. Rampant Rabbi, etc.

        playmobil reconstruction?

  2. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

    Try looking at the real world ...

    Unfortunately, I am really good at breaking watches. My personal record is under an hour. After that event, I tried a new trick: looking at walls. Lots of rooms have clocks in - many of them even show a similar time. With a little practice, looking at a clock when you walk past it becomes automatic. The next trick is remembering what time you saw on a clock two minutes ago. Very few shops have clocks in (you might realise you are late and stop buying things). Lots of shops print the time on receipts. If you are feeling brave, you could try information point at a bus station. Judging by the BSODs, these run Windows, and judging by the time they give, they do not have an NTP client installed.

    Anyway, all the problems associated with wearable tech can be fixed with a Google/Facebook/Twitter/Whatever wall mounted clock. Now that it is attached to the wall, it can be plugged in, and does not need batteries and recharging. Free/unsecured wifi is all over the place, so such a clock should always be able to show the right time. Add a camera, and Google/Facebook should be able to work out who is looking at it and display an inappropriate advert - especially if they did a web search for strap-ons as research for their weekend article.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Try looking at the real world ...

      I also used to break my watches easily. Everything changed when I bought a G-Shock. It is still working 3 years on.

      1. Matt Bryant Silver badge
        Go

        Re: Aliatair Dabbs Re: Try looking at the real world ...

        "I also used to break my watches easily....." I'm sure it's a techie thing. I always have two watches - my 'dress' watch, which is for use when suited-and-booted in the office and when out and about with SWMBO, and my 'work' watch which is for crawling around under the cars, swimming, training and poking around in cabling cabinets and racks. The 'dress' watch is usually a gift from SWMBO, which means it is slim and 'presentable' and therefore has no protection for the glass, meaning I manage to break them about once a year. The 'work' watch is always a G-Shock and always outlives the 'dress' ones despite the G-Shock regularly takes a beating. My best G-Shock lasted five-and-a-half years.

        1. Alistair Dabbs

          Re: Aliatair Dabbs Try looking at the real world ...

          This would work except that I destroy watches in all situations. The most common are knocking it against doorknobs and smashing/scraping it against brick walls. Why I seem to hang around doors and brick walls with arms flailing is beyond me. Perhaps I should live in a Japanese house like Larry or get my house refurbed by a Trekkie.

          1. Pookietoo

            Re: I destroy watches in all situations

            Try wearing it on the inside of your wrist?

            1. Danny 14 Silver badge

              Re: I destroy watches in all situations

              I too used to kill watches, wearing them inside just plain annoyed me so these days I just don't bother. I always have some kind of jacket, coat, fleece, bag, child to carry things with me (over and above usual daily "stuff") so I just take a phone with a pocketed case these days. It fits in my pocket, it has a single contactless debit card in it, it has my driving licence and work ID - that is it. I don't have any other jewellery. My keys are a car key with small RFID token (for work) and 2 door keys on a small ring - they sit in my pocket better in 2 sets than all 4 together.

              The watch that lasted the longest for me was a lorus with lumibrite face (the wife HATED this thing as it did glow somewhat at night for a surprisingly long time). The strap was swapped for a fabric strap and eventually the side of the watch was smashed on something putting it out of action.

      2. Neil Barnes Silver badge

        Re: Try looking at the real world ...

        "Three years on..."

        Four-year-old granddaughter managed somehow to crack the glass of my daily watch last weekend; it's five years old or so, so time for a new glass.

        The watch I'm using to replace it for now is sixty years old and winds itself up as I move around. Three or four times a year I have to reset it. The 'date' function has given up; probably time it had a service...

        There's something I find immediately attractive about a mechanical watch - it's probably the most robust bit of technology we make, expected to work, accurately, for decades. (Note - it must just tell the time, here, now; no complications.) Yes, quartz crystals are more accurate (if you keep them at the temperature they like) but, meh, electronics are the day job. They have no soul.

      3. Number6

        Re: Try looking at the real world ...

        I used to average two years between breakages. Then I got a cheap Casio plastic watch and that's still working thirty year later, at least if I remember to replace the battery. I'm currently wearing a Pebble watch (a gift) after not bothering with a watch at all (having failed to replace the battery in the Casio).

        I seem to have a reasonable inbuilt time sense, usually good to within fifteen minutes, so I never needed to consult the phone unless I really needed to be sure of the time.

    2. Richard 12 Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: Try looking at the real world ...

      My £10 Casio with fabric velcro strap (important*) has survived all the abuse I pounded upon it in the last ten to fifteen years (I forget exactly) - including smashing the face into the side of a yacht when a younger me slipped off the trapeze.

      Nuke 'cos I think it would survive that as well.

      Unfortunately the backlight went in January and the battery went for the second time a couple of months back, so I'll be replacing it soon with another similar one.

      * My skin eats the rubberised plastic straps, destroying them and giving me eczema, so I can't use them.

  3. Gene Cash Silver badge

    Don't buy a crap watch

    I hated watches with a passion until I was given one with a decent band that didn't need a battery or setting. It sets itself through WWV every night, and charges with a solar cell behind the face. The band is one that doesn't get sticky, doesn't get slimy, doesn't slide around, and doesn't rip out arm hair.

    You don't buy a cheap shit computer, do you? Same goes for watches.

    I'm not one for watches, rings, bracelets, necklaces, ties, or any of that crap. I only started wearing the thing because it was a nice gift, then I discovered it wasn't an annoyance like all my Timex or Casio garbage.

    1. DJV Silver badge

      Re: Don't buy a crap watch

      That watch... name, model and/or link please!

      1. Novex

        Re: Don't buy a crap watch

        I have a similar watch, though it's by Casio. It uses solar power, has worldwide wireless time update, and, at least for me, doesn't rip hairs out of my arm when I take it off. Mine's quite old but still in the current line-up: WVM120J-1, http://www.casio.com/products/Watches/wave_ceptor/

        Not an advert, just a satisfied customer.

        1. zaax

          Re: Don't buy a crap watch

          wave-ceptor - useless piece of crap took it 2 days to work out I was in New York.

          1. Novex

            Re: Don't buy a crap watch

            Wave-ceptors are programmed to check for the time transmission every 24 hours, mine at around 0100 GMT. If it misses the signal for any reason, it won't retry. It can however be manually updated at any time, so with that caveat, it works fine (for me at least).

      2. Roadkill
        Go

        Re: Don't buy a crap watch

        I really love my Citizen AT4010-50E.

        Solar powered, "atomic time" via radio reception (automatic sync nightly, but can be manually triggered as well), titanium body/band, and nigh-unscratchable sapphire face.

        1. Bronek Kozicki Silver badge

          Re: Don't buy a crap watch

          I like to collect watches no one else would, and in my small collection I have two Casio wave ceptors (one steel and another titanium) and a Citizen similar to one above (without titanium body). Casios are lighter, but Citizen is nice too although larger and not quite as readable. They all show accurate to 1s time without need to bother about daylight time changes, batteries etc. - just keep them next to window where radio signal is good and there's enough light to maintain charge.

          I also travelled with all of them (at different times) on the other side of pond, and one has to remember to change home city (which is simpler in Citizen) to have accurate time soon after arrival.

          Titanium watch is worst for wear after only 1 year of use - it turns out it's actually very soft metal. Unless treated with special coating which my Casio watch does not have.

    2. DropBear Silver badge
      WTF?

      Re: Don't buy a crap watch

      I for one am perfectly happy with my electro-mechanical Casio bought literally decades ago. Has the date right on my wrist, still waterproof after several battery changes (as in liberally submerged, no problem), re-set twice a year for DST shenanigans and never more than one minute off (don't know exactly how much less, I just don't bother). If it keeps this up, may well be the last watch I'll ever need...

  4. Frankee Llonnygog

    Tut

    Resorting to profanity and schoolboy smut in a pathetic attempt to garner cheap laughs...

    Works for me. More please.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Tut

      And I do it in public every Saturday morning.

  5. Mage Silver badge

    Yuck?

    Er ...

    I wonder what someone with too much time spare will do with Dentures. Or body piercing studs/bars/rings. Or suspenders, or hair clips or bands.

  6. chivo243 Silver badge
    Happy

    Built in time server?

    During the day, I am pretty much surrounded by time sources and I always know the time. However, waking up in the middle of the night, I seem to know what the time is within 5-10 minutes.

    As far as wearing a watch, I think I've owned 3 including the knock off Mickey Mouse watch I received as a birthday gift when I was 6. I've always worked in jobs detrimental to watches, 20+ years in restaurants, 15+ years in IT. You might ask why IT is detrimental to watches? Think server racks, UPS and those odd shaped appliances, scraping skin, and busting watch bands....

    Love all the multiple entrandres!

  7. thomas k.

    Cunt Dracula

    A tampon of some sort? (Please don't make me go look at a picture. 8/ )

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Cunt Dracula

      Trust me - it's worse. What is seen cannot be unseen. Thanks for that Dabbsy!

      1. deadlockvictim Silver badge

        Re: Cunt Dracula

        Just think of Vlad the Impaler and what he did. Less blood, though.

      2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Cunt Dracula

        "Trust me - it's worse."

        Yeah, you probably don't want to click on the "Testers Wanted" in the main menu bar either.

    2. illiad

      Re: Cunt Dracula

      dont be a wimp and look! If you did not KNOW its a dildo, you would thinks its part of your kids puppet set...

  8. xperroni
    Windows

    The case for a smartwatch

    I lived The Time Before Cellphones, and I was pretty much used to have a wristwatch on me except during a bath and after going to bed. At the time I liked them a whole deal more than mobile phones, for which I felt no desire or need when they first became mainstream; in fact at the beginning I actively resisted owning one, only giving in after repeated (and more than a bit pushy) offers from my parents.

    For years after that I tried to keep the habit of wearing a wristwatch, but ultimately failed to find any justification to have a second timepiece, given the phone I was forced to carry already could tell the time, wake me up at set times, remind me of appointments, work as calculator etc. The couple extra seconds it would take to fish it from my pocket didn't prove to be enough of a bother, giving I was never in such a hurry to know the time, and for most of my day I would stand in front of a computer screen with a clock right there in the corner anyway.

    You see, it's not that I didn't like wristwatches, or never had the chance to try one and see how nice they are. It's that as long as I own a reasonably-sized smartphone that fits well into my trousers' front pockets, the economic case for a wrist-mounted device will remain pretty weak. Maybe if smartphone makers commit themselves to only marketing oversized monstrosities that can only be carried on a briefcase, backpack or man-purse (an oxymoron?) I might be swayed back, but until then my wrist will remain a no-device's land.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The case for a smartwatch

      It's obvious that very few people nowadays walk dogs in the rain, which is when I mostly need a watch and don't want to dig my phone out of a pocket (phone is waterproof, open pocket isn't.)

      1. xperroni
        Holmes

        Re: The case for a smartwatch

        It's obvious that very few people nowadays walk dogs in the rain

        And that is just one reason I'm a cat person.

        Seriously though, there are of course a number of activities where a wristwatch is a more convenient timepiece than a pocket gadget, which might explain why they're still around. But for many people, me among them, they provide no added value. By all means, though, if you have cause to wear a wristwatch, or just like the things, buy them to your heart's content, I won't judge.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The case for a smartwatch

          Thank you for your kind permission. I expect to be patronised by cat people, so no surprises there.

  9. jake Silver badge

    The only jewelry I wear is my Wedding ring.

    And that comes off when I'm working.

    I can see the time damn near anywhere I look these days, watches are superfluous (unless I'm diving).

    1. DryBones

      Re: The only jewelry I wear is my Wedding ring.

      Arc-heating hazard, I imagine.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The only jewelry I wear is my Wedding ring.

        Induction heating, more likely.

        At one time I did use a little induction welder for making some small assemblies (think thermocouples). Do not do this while wearing a watch. Not enough stray energy to heat a ring, quite enough to bugger up a balance spring.

    2. Chris Evans

      Re: The only jewelry I wear is my Wedding ring.

      I don't wear a watch and can't wear my Wedding Ring after breaking that finger:-(

      My computer has the time on the screen, my car has it on the dash and almost every room I'm ever in has a clock so I almost never have to get my phone out to read the time. When I did wear a watch I find it very relaxing taking it off when I got home.

      Watches are a thing of the past as far as I'm concerned.

    3. jake Silver badge

      In reply to several (was: Re: The only jewelry I wear is my Wedding ring.)

      A friend made a mistake. See this post:

      http://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/containing/670569

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You wrote this entire article simply as an excuse to write 'Cunt Dracula'. I wrote this entire comment for exactly the same reason.

    There are too few opportunities in life for this sort of chance, so I thank you.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      What a shame, my CPU aborted before reaching that jewel. This whole piece could have been averted had the author invested in a handbag whose contents then would only have become known to those whose role it is to keep us safe and free from sin.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Da yoof" buy plenty of watches, and old duffers like us...

    ...also use their phones as time peices. Although the miserable old git style of writing fits right in at El Reg! :p Nice one.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: "Da yoof" buy plenty of watches, and old duffers like us...

      ...also worth remembering that even the Spectrum and C64 owners are now in their mid to late 40's (assuming average age was about 12 at launch time 34 years ago) so this "older people don't get computers/gadgets thing is starting to get a bit stale now. Most people of that vintage will have had some exposure to computers since secondary school days since the BBC computer starting going into schools then too.

      1. Alistair Dabbs

        Re: "Da yoof" buy plenty of watches, and old duffers like us...

        Indeed. http://goo.gl/aB3Umw

  12. silent_count

    Pocket Billiards

    My darling girlfriend bought me a cheap but functioning pocket watch to compliment my Mad Hatter halloween costume. Now every time someone asks me the time I have an excuse to fondle my nipple region wearing an expression of near-orgasmic bliss until enquirer gets uncomfortable and goes away. Should they endure through my performance, I finally retrieve the watch from my pocket before telling them I forgot to wind it this morning (or any morning, but they don't need to know that).

    1. The First Dave

      Re: Pocket Billiards

      Why would your wastecoat have a pocket in the nipple region?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Territory

    Over the years when observing the people who behave like AD I've assumed that it's a territorial thing - the contractor comes in and spreads his personal bits around to create his personal space, in a way which wouldn't work if he brought out a set of family photos and a fluffy penguin toy. One contractor I remember seemed to need several external hard drives, three laptops, two iPhones, an iPad and a BlackBerry, along with car keys. It's the equivalent of the sort of military officer who seems to be unable to be interviewed except behind a sea of ribbons and scrambled egg.

    However, if it is because AD gets sweaty, this puts an altogether different complexion on the matter.

  14. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "Most people who use a boring old wristwatch can’t remember when they last changed the battery, if ever."

    I can. Yesterday.

    1. Cpt Blue Bear

      So can I: September 1987. That was when I bought my first self-winding Seiko.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I don't know. Slapping a Cunt Dracula down in a gay bar might get you a lot of friends.

    Sorry .. I thought I'd lower the tone even more. I'll get me coat.

  16. Haku

    I loved my Casio wrist watches as a kid.

    The battery in one of them actually lasted 5 years, even more amazing was that the strap lasted that long too!

    Now with screens everywhere telling me what time it is, along with a water powered desk clock, I don't wear a wristwatch anymore, but that hasn't stopped me collecting them, over 40 of the game types from the 80s/early 90s such as Donkey Kong, several Mario Bros, Pac-Man, Batman, Q*Bert etc. including ones that look like Game Boys and some really rare ones that look like Sega Game Gears.

  17. Stu J

    Not just oldies

    From having a mobile phone from when I was 16, I gave up wearing a watch and used my phone (and later smartphone) for time-telling duties for nearly 15 years.

    Then I got a job where I have to take, on average, 35-45 flights a year. A real watch is much, much easier to use when you're on a long haul flight - you wake up, lift your blindfold a smidgin, and glance at your wrist - to realise you've only been asleep half an hour, and turbulence has just woken you up, again. Compare that to either having to contort to get a smartphone out of your pocket (whilst elbowing your sleeping neighbour in the head), or shuffling through the contents of the seatback pocket in front. One with time zone functions on it is even better...! Oh, and it doesn't run down the battery on your phone that you might actually need wherever you're going.

  18. Teiwaz Silver badge

    "Time is an illusion, Lunchtime Doubly so." - Ford Prefect (HHGTTG - Douglas Adams)

    No longer own a wristwatch (they just feel weird now), rarely remember to bring my mobile anywhere.

    If I just guess, I'm usually not much more than 15 minutes out*. We evolved on this planet (or at least been here long enough to adjust to its rhythms to just 'know' what 'time' it is.

    * Unless I've just woken up, in which case I don't know if it is bum or breakfast time.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Time is an illusion, Lunchtime Doubly so." - Ford Prefect (HHGTTG - Douglas Adams)

      We evolved on this planet, we did most of that evolving in Africa. Which may be why disturbed sleep patterns are so common in those of us who live well above the equator. How do you tell the bit of your brain that handles circadian rhythms to adjust for DST and day length variation?

      I'm not disbelieving you, just suggesting that evolution hasn't yet had time to catch up with our use of the 24 hour clock.

  19. HildyJ

    +1 for old guys with sweaty wrists. When I'm dressing up I have a self-winding Omega (which I have to adjust twice a year for DST) with a sharkskin band (which I have to replace every three or four years as my sweat eats through it).

    1. Cpt Blue Bear

      I hate to be the one to tell you, but if your sweat "eats through it" then its not shark skin. Similar to the the chick who can't wear gold because it leave a green stain on her skin...

  20. Fihart

    Metal watch bracelet.

    Can anyone settle the argument between my brother and I. Both own the expensive waterproof watches (apparently) favoured by tennis players and golfers.

    These bracelets can collect a lot of nastiness -- presumably sweat soaked dead skin and ground metal -- and if left uncleaned will leave a black tidemark on wrist after exertion.

    My brother wears the watch in bath or shower and washes it with soap.

    With less faith in the waterproofing I remove the bracelet periodically and clean it in meths/rubbing alcohol. My brother suggests that the latter approach will wear the bracelet out as it strips any natural lubrication from the links.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Metal watch bracelet.

      I'm with your brother here (if you see what I mean) ... I also use soap and water in the shower to clean my watch (which does have a metal strap)

  21. Michael Habel Silver badge

    I've said it before

    If Digital Smart Watches, were such a ..."Pretty neat idea".... They'd have taken off with the likes of Samsung, and all those other Chinese Clones by now. Sure Apple, being Apple can probably get away with seeing any old iCrap to the iDolts. But, let us not kid ourselves into thinking that Apple are gonna set this Market alight. Where everybody else has hitherto failed to actually do so...

    The Smart Watch... While a ..."pretty neat idea...", its still not neat enough to get me to part with those little bits of Green Paper, that weren't on the whole... unhappy.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: I've said it before

      You'd think so but product acceptance doesn't work that way. Lots of good new ideas struggle because consumers are worried that (1) they are a short-term fad that won't be supported for long, (2) buyers will look stupid for buying something no-one else has, and (3) lack of competition keeps them expensive. Back in the 80s it was understood that there was no market for men's magazines, and in the 90s Oki bust a gut trying to interest anyone in multi-function printer/scanners.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Didnt cunt dracula...

    ... make a guest appearance in Blade3?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Didnt cunt dracula...

      Yes, here is a link http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgcUm322BhU

  23. willi0000000

    late to the party . . . as usual

    fun game . . . i used to play it all the time with people with wristwatches . . . wait for them to check the time, wait another 10-15 seconds and ask them if they know what time it is.

    usually got a 90% or so hit rate for them looking at their watch, again.

    haven't worn a watch (except to make it on time for weddings, etc. of people i like) since i retired . . . don't miss it a bit.

    ETA - just checked, old watch still keeping good time . . . last battery was 5-6 years ago, i think . . . cheap Timex electromechanical ($10).

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Batteries in a watch??

    Change the battery in a watch?? Join the really old bastards with a clockwork watch (although mine is self-wining).

    1. Alien8n Silver badge
      Alien

      Re: Batteries in a watch??

      Self wining? Merlot or Chardonnay?

    2. Michael Habel Silver badge

      Re: Batteries in a watch??

      Great does it bitch at you if your late or something, or you forget to wind it up?

  25. MJI Silver badge

    Watches - don't like them

    Very annoying as they are tight.

    But to be honest the most annoying thing I can think of to wear is a suit!

  26. Alien8n Silver badge
    Alien

    After many years as an engineer and having to take off pretty much everything every time I went into the clean room I stopped wearing any jewellery. Nowadays it's smart phone and a pocket watch (tells the correct time 3 days out of 7 when I remember to wind it up). It's the polar opposite of when I was younger and into the rocker look (hair half way down my back, denim and more bangles than you can shake an Egyptian at on a Manic Monday).

  27. cortland

    No steenkin' watches...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETz0elhKvkM

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