back to article Starship Troopers beat Aliens, Robots AND Chuck Norris to WIN in a FIGHT

The Big Data has spoken, and has answered the Great Question of pub/water-cooler debate: Who Would Win In A Fight? It doesn't matter just who's fighting who, as our pioneering bigdata analysis included nearly every kind of specfictional protagonist - and surely the readership of the Register contains the greatest repository of …

  1. Leeroy Bronze badge

    Selene vs Walker Texas Ranger, I really want to get that image out of my head now !

    Otherwise good work on a most difficult question :)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Rambo? Commando? Yippee ki-yay mother*****r.

      ????????????

  2. brooxta

    Chuck

    But what would happen to the rankings if Chuck Norris were in a revealing outfit?

    1. PleebSmash

      Re: Chuck

      They'd swell.

    2. VinceH Silver badge

      Re: Chuck

      I would require an immediate supply of mind bleach.

  3. Steve Crook

    Daleks

    Leaving aside their utter inability to cope with stairs, they're continually thwarted by some bloke with a screwdriver and a phone box. Nowhere near hard enough for #8.

    1. chivo243 Silver badge

      Re: Daleks

      The have the same achilles heel as the ED 209...

    2. P. Lee Silver badge

      Re: Daleks

      >Leaving aside their utter inability to cope with stairs,

      Solved, turns out advanced war machines can fly/hover.

      >they're continually thwarted by some bloke with a screwdriver and a phone box. Nowhere near hard enough for #8.

      True, but only by the one bloke+gal and only for one day. Most of the time, they get by obliterating everything in their path.

      1. Dave Bell

        Re: Daleks

        Spitfires v. Daleks

        And other flying machines...

    3. TimeMaster T

      Re: Daleks

      Dude, you really need to catch up on Dr.Who.

      The whole Medusa Cascade thing and the Delek/Cyberman conflict pretty much cleared up the points you brought up. I mean the Daleks almost took out <spoiler removed>, just for that they should have been at #1

  4. PleebSmash
    1. Mage Silver badge

      Army powered suit

      They are also advanced on an exoskeleton that allows load/unload of freight in forward area with no hoist/forklift.

      Also Mule replacements.

  5. Doctor_Wibble

    Depends on circumstances?

    Sorry, memory like a goldfish here - just wondering if there is some adjustment relating to 'normal circumstances', are we talking about actual victory, or just one getting out alive to tell the tale?

    e.g. one person dropped on to a planet full of Alien aliens would be rightfully have M.I. translated to 'Menu Item' whereas a squad would stand a chance of at least one getting out carrying a queen's head.

    Not a disagreement, but a borderline rhetorical question over the availability of arbitrary armed forces simulators to try out a lot of possibilities. Graphically of course because with all due respect, numbers just don't have enough explosions and splattered aliens.

  6. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge
    Mushroom

    In other news

    Superior forces of the American military will whup the asses of third-world, first century savages armed only with rocks and sticks in a matter of weeks at minimal cost.

    It doesn't always go the way the analysis might predict.

  7. Chris G Silver badge

    Just wondering

    If Indian Love call was able to save us from the Martians, what music would be the Earth's best all around defence?

    Celine Dion

    Shirley Temple

    The Birdy song

    Etc

    1. Corinne

      Re: Just wondering

      We'd have to be careful it wasn't a Pyrrhic victory - no point defeating the invading aliens if the method wipes out everyone with a brain on Earth!

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: Just wondering

        We're almost there... two words; Justin Bieber.

    2. Captain DaFt

      Re: Just wondering

      Obviously, Matt Cameron's rendition of 'Puberty Love'!

      "Start the record player! Everybody, Cover your ears!"

      http://killertomatoes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Puberty-Love.mp3

      1. Richard 120

        @Captain DaFt

        I must have watched that movie about 20 times when I was young, repeatedly borrowing it from the video store down the road.

        I thought I was the only person in the world who had watched it and thought it was fantastic.

    3. Steve Evans

      Re: Just wondering

      Any original recording by Will-I-am before the autotune has been applied.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Outcome of humanity in 100 years

    Now, here's an important question that the wisdom of the crowd will sort for us, because nobody wants to wait 100 years to find the answer:

    Will humans devolve into an H.G. Wells novel? Or Philip Dick? Or will it be more like Isaac Asimov? Or a bunch of other outcomes that I'm not being paid to write about right now?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Outcome of humanity in 100 years

      If we're lucky, we'll develop into something out of an E.E. "Doc" Smith novel. Hopefully, not playing the role of any of the losers.

      Which brings me to the question of why oh why did the original list NOT contain, say, Lensmen? I mean, if you're going to include Jedi...

      (For those who don't know: if you've got fully developed Lensmen about the place, Darth Vader's a pussy and the Death Star is for wimps.

      In one of "Doc" Smith's non-Lensmen works, he has his hero blow up an entire galaxy, albeit with a bit of help.)

      1. Mike Ozanne

        Re: Outcome of humanity in 100 years

        Skylark Duqesne ? Still can't argue with a Space Opera Hero called "Dick"....

        Favourite quote from that series is from the irritating Norlaminian "As for testing, know now that only mechanisms built by bunglers require testing". He could have been a public sector project manager...

    2. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: Danegeld Economy .... the Output and Outcome of Human IT Input in 100 years

      Now, here's an important question that the wisdom of the crowd will sort for us, because nobody wants to wait 100 years to find the answer:

      Will humans devolve into an H.G. Wells novel? Or Philip Dick? Or will it be more like Isaac Asimov? Or a bunch of other outcomes that I'm not being paid to write about right now? .... Anonymous Coward

      The wise, which and who be the few and far removed from the madding crowd, have answers resolving such enigmas, AC, and you are not at all wrong with your shared final solution ...... a novel bunch of other outcomes that I'm not being paid to write about right now

      And one outcome you most probably will quickly discover is that you can be seriously well paid to not write about such things as fundamentally disrupt, degrade and destroy exigent exhausted establishment sources and mindlessly supporting forces until such times as they be ready, fit and able for Future Greater IntelAIgent Game Play and Immaculate Purpose, which is coincidentally and quite paradoxically a perfect device and just right enough aid to seed and feed that which be needed to create and micromacromanage the Host Virtual Realities in the AI Sector.

      El Reg though is way ahead in the Field, and has told of Future Actualities in a sector of Particular and Peculiar Interest to Dark Web Enterprise in Black Watch Ventures, not so very long ago. Perhaps you missed it at the beginning of this year ........ Never Piss away Advantage for it Presents Supply Chains with Hot Product.

  9. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    How about post-pub deathmatch?

    Which post-pub nosh is the tastiest? Or if you prefer, which will kill you fastest?

    Thinks: I could kill for a fish finger sandwich right about now…

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bill, the galactic hero

    trumped starship troopers completely, so fundamentally I put my money on a stainless steel rat.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      Re: Bill, the galactic hero

      Di'Griz ftw! (-> That's a top down view of a rat with 6 legs btw)

    2. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Bill, the galactic hero

      Ah, classic book, classic writer, loved the character Deathwish Drang with his vat grown fangs.

      Good entertaining space opera, I have always thought the Stainless Steel Rat books would make a good series of films.

      1. Buzzby
        Big Brother

        Re: Bill, the galactic hero

        Good idea but what serious S F author would let Hollywood near their books. Heinlein & his wife were dead before Hollywood got its sticky paws on Starship Troopers. Read the book, see the film, note the differences. I much preferred the book.

  11. jai

    The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

    Seems like Lemon Demon need to update the song's lyrics to reflect these new results:

    http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/285267

    :)

  12. JLV Silver badge

    betting on

    Warrior-caste Moties

    1. Shrimpling

      Re: betting on

      I would vote for them except they were out smarted by a near dead trader and his galactic playboy pilot.

  13. Simon 79

    Marvel vs Capcom?

    In fact how about any playable characters in the favourite games of the past misspent youth? Duke Nukem vs Lara Croft? "Shake it baby..."

  14. jesterscup

    Suggestion

    So we have done who's the hardest....

    How about 'most terrifying apocalypse' ? We've been bombarded over the years with many, many visions of humanities downfall, from insane nether gods ( cthulhu ), vengeful 'just' gods ( Yahweh ), zombies, plaque ( plaque zombies) asteroids ( armageddon the film ), aliens ( battlefield earth etc), robots ( skynet ), our own lust to expand & consume ( soylent green ) etc.

    Now yes there is a bit of a crossover there.. But my question is which is actually the most likely to wipe us out, could we survive skynet, only to be driven to madness by lower 4th dimensional beings, or is our demise to be found in a virus caused by long hair in dirty phoneboxes ?

    A bit of clarity here, This is not the downfall of humanity, a breakdown in society, but it's extinction. If we can rebuild we win.

    If we are totally enslaved, then we ask, is our freedom possible or are we doomed?

  15. Pirate Dave
    Pirate

    Fluff

    All the rest is fluff - the real question has been answered - Ninjas beat Pirates.

    Damn! :(

  16. Fungus Bob Silver badge

    For your consideration:

    Compare and contrast the states of mind in "Finnegans Wake" and turbo mufflers.

  17. Criggie

    Older stuff well represented

    Everything on this list has been around long enough to get some recognition. Try "Old Man's War" by John Scalzi - under 10 years old.

  18. Ken 16 Silver badge
    Pirate

    Having watched November Man and Non Stop on a recent flight

    I think 'elderly Irishmen' should be rated.

  19. Daniel von Asmuth Bronze badge
    Alien

    Alia (Paul's four year old sister) Atreides

    Dune for destruction.

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