back to article Found inside ISIS terror chap's laptop: CELINE DION tunes

The worst thing you'll find on most chaps' laptops is a bit of porn and perhaps a pirated copy of Microsoft Office. But, according to a recent report, if you peer inside the hard drive of a rabid ISIS zealot, you'll find recipes for bubonic plague, instructions on extracting ricin from castor beans and – most terrifyingly of all …

  1. Amorous Cowherder
    Facepalm

    "...and advice on how to avoid the attention of the authorities."

    Like not leaving your laptop, full of cack, in a bloody obvious place where they'll find it?

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      > a bloody obvious place

      It was found on the 10:15 to Milton Keynes??

      Must have used TrueCrypt, too. He He.

    2. Fungus Bob Silver badge
      Holmes

      "Like not leaving your laptop, full of cack, in a bloody obvious place where they'll find it?"

      You're not likely to find Mensa membership cards in the wallets of potential suicide bombers...

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Off with his head!

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Off with his head!

      Absolutely. Now they can do him for serious crimes like copyright infringement, not just murder and rape. He'll get major jail time now.

  3. IHateWearingATie

    Proof of the gateway theory

    Much like some people think cannabis is a gateway to harder drugs, this proves that Celine Dion is a gateway to the furthest reaches of human depravity. I always knew she was trouble.

    Nuke Her From Orbit

    It's the only way to be sure.

    1. silent_count

      Re: Proof of the gateway theory

      I can't help but think: If only the poor chap had found his way to some respectable musicians, like Black Sabbath or maybe Guns n Roses, perhaps his life would have down a less destructive path.

      1. sabroni Silver badge

        Re: Guns n Roses

        Hey, he's only a terrorist, no need to get nasty!

      2. Eponymous Cowherd
        Coat

        Re: Proof of the gateway theory

        Could have been worse.

        It could have been One Direction or Justin Bieber. .....

      3. WraithCadmus
        Mushroom

        Re: Proof of the gateway theory

        @silent_count

        I thought Guns n Roses gave one an Appetite for Destruction?

        Icon: Item liable to cause Megadeaths.

    2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: Proof of the gateway theory

      Or Radical Islam is a gateway to fundamentalism Celine Dion ?

    3. dotdavid

      Re: Proof of the gateway theory

      I'm guessing the Celine Dion was a kind of last-ditch defence mechanism. You know, the SEAL team is busting your door down so you grab your earplugs, crank up the volume and blast it out to confuse, horrify and disorientate the attackers while you make your escape. Or something.

  4. JaitcH
    FAIL

    Celine Dion ...

    that scrawny Quebec female who supports separation is enough to drive anyone to terrorism.

    Terrible 'singer'.

    1. NoneSuch

      Re: Celine Dion ...

      that scrawny Quebec female who supports separation and lives in Las Vegas

      Fixed it for you.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Celine Dion ...

        So is it known as doing a Connery or doing a Dion ?

      2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Celine Dion ...

        that scrawny Quebec female who supports separation and lives in Las Vegas

        a bit like that actor who played James Bond who supports separation of Scotland and lives in some far away sunny place

        1. I. Aproveofitspendingonspecificprojects

          Re: Separatists

          > a bit like that actor who played James Bond who supports separation of Scotland and lives in some far away sunny place

          What on earth is wrong with that?

          I live in England and have no fear over a separation vote.

          I'll still be happy to be part Scot and quite pleased to visit an ancestral country again.

          It will still be Scotland.

  5. Marketing Hack Silver badge

    Celine Dion tunes?

    More proof that ISIS are enemies of civilization and that they must be stopped, regardless of the cost. To war!!!

    1. Pete 2 Silver badge

      Re: Celine Dion tunes?

      Should we now assume that "illegal" downloads of her material are:

      a) tracked with an intensity and vigour by every surveillance organisation in the western world

      b) laden (bin laden?) with malware, virus and other nasties in the hope some will reach the target audience.

      c) still an awful thing to impose on people: no wonder they get radicalised

      1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Celine Dion tunes?

        To be fair, the West brought this on ourselves when Celine Dion songs were used during CIA black site sleep deprivation sessions. That's obviously led to an unintentional equation of listening to these songs as a badge of courage among hardened jihadis, and further to their use in conditioning ISIS recruits against the worst that western intelligence agencies can do to them.

        "Insh'Allah, Brother! Here is the infidel Celine's greatest hits album. If you can live through listening to this, then you are truly ready for jihad!"

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: using "the infidels" own materials

            I believe that's called irony.

      2. A Twig

        Re: Celine Dion tunes?

        Ya would not steal a car....

        Oh, but you'd go and blow yourself up in a crowded market square? Ah.. Right... As you were...

    2. Fungus Bob Silver badge

      Re: Celine Dion tunes?

      "To war!!!"

      Right. The US *must* invade Canada NOW!

      1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Celine Dion tunes?

        @Fungus Bob

        No, the crafty Canucks learned long ago how to inflict this kind of cultural sabotage on the U.S. while maintaining plausible deniability. They've been doing it since at least the Anne Murray era. Canada produces these weapons of artistic destruction, then gets them to move to the U.S. once the cultural chaos starts. That's why Celine Dion is now living in Las Vegas and Justin Bieber always seems to be in the United States when he is caught under the influence or starting bar fights.

        Well played, Canada...well played. However, Uncle Sam will have his revenge when the next film in the Transformers franchise oozes across our northern border!!

  6. AbelSoul

    a book by William Wallace titled A Guide to Field-Manufactured Explosives

    So that's what happened at Stirling Bridge.....

  7. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

    CELINE DION TUNES BOMB ON LAPTOP!

    "BLACK DELL" JIHADI POISON AUDIO SHOCKER! SEAL TEAM AGHAST: "MY HURT WILL GO ON!"

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Celine Dion?

    Ok so there's one song of hers I like, Listen To The Magic Man but only because it was used in the film The Peanut Butter Solution which was a very weird 80s film about a kid who goes bald after a scare and has to rub a peanut butter solution into his head to make his hair grow again, but it doesn't stop growing...

    Anon for obvious reasons :)

    1. Crazy Operations Guy Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      Re: Celine Dion?

      "Anon for obvious reasons :)"

      Doesn't matter, the CIA/MI6 know who you are anyway and have put you on all their watch-lists...

  9. Kriilin

    Celine Dion, hmm.. Apparently he`s also into torture, no water or board required!

  10. BongoJoe

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1niTEkP-6eo

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      That's Vegas for you, big production, second rate act, no class.

      I was always under the impression she was some kind of gay icon, do we have to look out for exploding handbags now?

    2. king of foo

      nope

      No way am I clicking that link.

      This is what I hear

  11. Rick Brasche

    should be enough evidence of criminal intent right there

    Weapons of Aural Destruction

  12. Mark 85 Silver badge

    This is beyond scary.

    What really gets to me is the sheeple followers of Al-Qaeda and now ISIS are fanatical about morals (allegedly), following the faith, etc. yet their leaders and the higher ups don't follow what they preach to those lower on the food chain. Bin Laden and his porn, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his expensive watches, clothes, etc. and his supposed non-Islamic behaviours. If one of their followers did what they did, they would be beheaded.

    Then again, we have the same issue in the rest of the world with our "leaders".

    Hypocrisy? Oh yeah... but I think Celine Dion is going a bit too far. I wonder what happened to the owner of this laptop? Killed? Became part of the leadership?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As long as it wasn't...

    Justin Bieber, I see no problem.

  14. lucki bstard

    @Mark 85

    Good rule of thumb is the higher up the ladder you go the less people you find who follow the rules for the people who are at the bottom of the ladder.

    On the plus side Al-Queda/IS <insert name of other organization of young men with no girlfriends or jobs> have still killed less people then the Catholic/Protestant wars in Europe.

    1. tony2heads
      Unhappy

      Re: @Mark 85

      killed less people - SO FAR

      But they are trying hard to catch up.

    2. fajensen Silver badge

      Re: @Mark 85

      Give them 30 years like "we" had and they might catch up - even though they are handicapped by relying on loot and donations. Our armies had top-of-the-line support from government and industry (such as it was).

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Huh?

    Since when are US Army field manuals classified material? Paper, electronic, even apps versions are readily available so 'leaked' isn't applicable. Might be valuable if yon solar flare has some legs. In which case, nice typing at y'all.

    1. fajensen Silver badge

      Re: Huh?

      Since literally seconds after PC Plod finds your Amazon purchases in your possession and it immediately transmutes into "Terrorist Materials" and "Bomb-making manuals", whatever sticks, that's what it is!

      I have "The Chemistry of Powder and Explosives by Tenney L. Davis" and many, many papers on "Exploding Bridge-wires" in my library. Probably there is even "The Anarchists Cookbook" on some floppy disk used a a bookmark since the 1980's somewhere.

  16. Jan 0

    Haram

    How is it that these jihadis are prepared to use infidel computers, weapons and chemicals?

    Why aren't their supporters producing their own versions with halal technologies?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Haram

      ... The latest Intel CPU's are designed in Israel ....

  17. smartypants

    You'll never escape the puritans

    Celine Dion.

    Funny.

    But let's put the caterwauling canadian to one side and consider the sad little fuckers littering history and the present day. 'Saving' the misguided from trying to live their one and only life to the full, these pea-brained nutters, their mouths stuffed with stories of this or that brand of idiotic nirvanah for anyone who manages to ruin their own lives to a suitably spectacular degree, make the world a much shitter place than it need be, and that's before they get round to the use of poison or bombs to serve their particular cult obsession.

    Frankly, I'd rather sit through an entire week of Celine Dion than hear another sentence from this idiot or that trying to ram their imaginary friends down my throat. Thank goodness I live in a corner of the world where they're not currently in charge of too much. It wasn't always like that here, and I daresay it might be again, if history is any guide. Fuckers.

    1. Benjol

      Re: You'll never escape the puritans

      I should do your damnedest to keep them away from your throat.

    2. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: You'll never escape the puritans

      Agree with you 100% smartypants.

      Even if their 'friends were real I still don't see why I should have to worship them or listen to over zealous dogmatic followers telling me what and how I should do things and live my life. Deities need to earn their respect and based on performances to date they have a ways to go before any of them get my penny on the collection plate.

      Still, Celine Dion for a whole week?

      Is that the Hell they talk about?

  18. Adam 1 Silver badge

    >The laptop also included speeches by more than 100 jihadi ideologues and advice on how to avoid the attention of the authorities.

    Tip 1: Don't download this speech.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      I like to wake up to extremo-muslim speeches from my computer in the morning.

  19. DropBear Silver badge
    Devil

    Neat list they've got there...

    ...I think the only thing missing from it is a certain book written by one Abdul Alhazred...

    1. launcap Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: Neat list they've got there...

      >...I think the only thing missing from it is a certain book

      > written by one Abdul Alhazred...

      I get confused - is that the one about Hastur, the one that Hastur is in or the one that doesn't mention Has^&)76* <Carrier lost>

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