back to article Vampires and Ninjas versus the Alien Jedi Robot Pirates: It's ON

For long ages past, the sages of the internet have debated one of the knottiest questions of modern times, namely: Who would win in a fight - pirates, or ninjas? Similarly, Hollywood has sought to determine whether Aliens or Predators (Predators of course are also aliens, technically the film should have been Aliens versus …

  1. Alistair Silver badge
    Pint

    Umm. Wait.

    Zombie Pirates Vs Alien Vampire Ninja's!!! (the pirate ships are robots and the Alien Vampire ninja's have pet human werewolves, it works, really it does, and I have a script if you want.....)

    (it is friday after all and i"m heading off to vacation )

    1. Irony Deficient

      Re: Umm. Wait.

      Alistair, there’s a card game called Smash Up which lets players explore the feasibility of their own preferred combinations. I think that this was the video which my offspring used to bring it to my attention. (We haven’t played it, so I can’t provide my own review of it.)

      1. Hungry Sean
        Gimp

        Re: Umm. Wait.

        I've played. It was relatively fun, would have needed to ply a few more times to really appreciate the interplay of the different strategies. Not bad at all, though I do prefer Munchkin.

      2. Naughtyhorse

        Re: Umm. Wait. Smash Up

        hmmmm made it nearly 10 seconds into the video.

        pic of 4 nerds playing cards

        voice over:

        toooooooootal awesomeness... <click>

  2. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Joke

    Ninja's?

    Send in Cohen the Barbarian, and the Silver Horde!

    I trust all the vampires will be black ribboners

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

      Re: Ninja's?

      Are you a ninja? Or a ninjaaarrrgh! ?

      1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

        Re: Ninja's?

        "Are you a ninja? Or a ninjaaarrrgh! ?"

        How dare you call my wife a big hippo!!

    2. Nick Ryan Silver badge

      Re: Ninja's?

      I love the entire concept of Cohen, being that his, and his silver horde's, most notable skill is staying alive. The description of the fight and aftermath between them and ninjas was a very memorable read.

    3. Naughtyhorse

      Re: Ninja's? nahhh DEATH

      COWER BRIEF MORTALS!

      (how do you get serifs on this thing)

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Immortal sundodging blood-guzzlers

    Are you sure you're talking about vampires and not my mother-in-law? She really is all of those. 94 and not showing signs of stopping, sensitive to any light and eats blood pudding. She also wanders about the house in totally darkness without making the faintest sound. I've suggested a cow bell for her own safety and my sanity but it didn't go down too well.

  4. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

    Ninjas are in

    But are limited to their role in Kabuki theatre...

  5. Pypes

    So when are we going to get a Register branded distributed computing project running to crunch all these massive data sets. It will of course need a suitable acronym, may I suggest: Trans-World Arithmetic Tabulation System

  6. mastodon't
    Devil

    Insects will boss them all

    in time only insects will survive

    1. earlyjester

      Re: Insects will boss them all

      Ninja insects or Vampire insects?

      1. mastodon't

        Re: Insects will boss them all

        Robot insects

    2. chrisf1

      Re: Insects will boss them all

      Still a bit 'macro'. What about bacteria and viruses?

      Given the debate one feels carrion eating fungi might be included as well as the cockroaches.

  7. MJI Silver badge

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

    Well we have to include, real, film, game ect

    The SAS, the best special forces in the world except for maybe the SBS

    The Doctor, the best of the Timelords

    Arnie, see Predator and Terminator 2, also those cool helicopters when he was a clone

    Bruce Willis, because well lots, and howe many times has he saved the world.

    Nathan Drake, beats pirates AND zombies

    Yoda, because he is, and most of the other Jedis in the prequels were knobs.

    The FAA before they lost their FA2s, because they are good

    Johnny Rico

    More when I think of them

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      Re: Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

      Godzilla!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Meh

      Re: Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

      The Doctor, the best of the Timelords

      Really, it's just the baddies are stupid.

      Doctor, meet Mr Cricket bat.

      Thwaaaackkk

      Stupid bloody screwdriver not so good now is it!

      ooo he's regenerating and 3....2....1...Thwack....get back down.

  8. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge

    Brian Blessed

    Will be last man standing I reckon now Oliver Reed has gone. Shame no one else will be around for the triumphant "VICTORY IS MINE!" shout echoing around the world and across the universe.

    And don't give me any Chuck Norris nonsense - he's a lightweight! Bring it on :-)

    1. MJI Silver badge

      Re: Brian Blessed

      He will deafen all the others

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Mushroom

    The winner is obvious

    Has to be femShep.

    Not only has she beaten all the other categories,

    but she looks damn good in anatomically moulded armour...

    And like all Marines she likes huge explosions.

  10. Evil Auditor Silver badge

    Lucy wins

    No matter what. She's everywhere.

    1. 27escape
      Facepalm

      Re: Lucy wins

      spoiler, not seen it yet

  11. stucs201

    How did Daleks end up in miscellaneous?

    Surely they're already in under both Aliens and Cyborgs?

  12. VinceH Silver badge

    You made no mention of sharks with frikkin' lasers! I want - no, DEMAND - sharks with frikkin' lasers.

    1. Ian Emery Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      KITTEH!!!!!

      Preferably cute and heavily armed !!!!

      Paris, the nearest we have to a cute fluffy furball.

  13. Jack's_Rage

    Robots hive mind for the win.

    Advantages of non organics in a fight are pretty high assuming a power source and proper programing, the only thing that would beat an advanced system like that would be a more advanced one IE alien robots. Huge advantage to have 1000 machines with one mind over 1000 minds in machines, they would be as limbs and work without as much communication down time. I mean think of it, why do the fighting units of militaries want similar minded obeying units, same reason, programed to act a certain way when given a command or in a situation. Side note radioactive, chemical, and biological weapons to top the sundae. Obvious weakness would be a lack of innovation 1000 minds can come up with more ideas then one.

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      Re: Robots hive mind for the win.

      One mind = one target, so without any redundancy it's a terrible idea. Also without variation or autonomy, there's no adaptability.

      1. Jack's_Rage

        Re: Robots hive mind for the win.

        I mean mind in the sense of origin of orders. A machine that could track more targets and attack them all with all their parts in chains and combos is more the idea I am talking about. Drone A attack target A on the way to target B while drone B attacks target C on the way to another strike on target A. System like that would be crazy hard to fight. The human mind would be overwhelmed by the amount of information needed to track everything.

    2. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: Robots hive mind for the win.

      >IE alien robots

      They won't last long if they're running Windows, even the aliens in Independence Day got a virus and they ran Zghortsnix 9000

  14. Nick Ryan Silver badge
    Coat

    Who would win?

    ... out of Ninjas, Pirates, Jedi, Robots, Vampires, Elves, Dwarves, Dragons, Toadstools, Godzilla, Zombies, Englishmen wielding branches at cars, Aliens, Predators, Robots and so on...

    Chuck Norris.

    /

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Re: Who would win?

      Chuck Norris doesn't win wars, wars lose to Chuck Norris

  15. Jungleland

    A Waste of Time

    We all know that the winner will always be......

    Chuck Norris

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sorry, couldn't answer

    I got distracted at "heavily beweaponed Kate Beckinsale clad in form-fitting PVC"...

  17. moiety

    Are we going to be factoring in friendly fire?

    I'm thinking human military (USA! USA!); vampires feeling peckish and/or dynastic; and zombies who will walk right over their brethren when counfounded by -for example- a kerb.

  18. adrianww

    "Going up Camborne Hill, coming down..."

    I voted that there needs to be an extra poll to ensure that Morris Dancers get included.

    But then I thought...hang on, if Morris Dancers are included then there's no need to continue the exercise since it's obvious that they would win. After all, anyone who can get up at crack of dawn on a May Mor-i-ning and dance right through the town hitting themselves with sticks, all after spending the previous night down the pub consuming countless pints of Spindle's Old Neuron-Dissolver until chucking-out time are obviously the world's ultimate Special Forces unit. They're so hard they don't even need to sneak around (unlike those cowardly softies the Ninjas), they can probably outdrink (and outsing) the Pirates and, as for the aliens, they'd probably still be standing there wondering WTF was going on when they suddenly found themselves with a hefty chunk of oak or yew shoved through their brain/neuronal nexus/whatever-they-think-with. Not to mention the terrifying noise from the accordian/squeeze-box/shawm/crumhorn/etc. that will disorient all enemies.

    Yep, definitely Morris Dancers if you really want to be on the winning side I reckon...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Going up Camborne Hill, coming down..."

      What would happen if Chuck Norris took up Morris Dancing?

      1. John G Imrie Silver badge

        What would happen if Chuck Norris took up Morris Dancing?

        He'd be the last man standing after the stick and bucket dance.

        PS Include the Black Morris of Lancre and the Elves are toast.

        1. adrianww
          Happy

          Re: What would happen if Chuck Norris took up Morris Dancing?

          Look, I deliberately didn't mention the Stick and Bucket Dance. I thought we'd all agreed?

      2. Anomalous Cowturd
        Stop

        What would happen if Chuck Norris took up Morris Dancing?

        We'd be safe from all other baddies.

        Until next summer, when the hybrid Chuck Morris's arise from their mountain lair and bore club us all to death.

        I'm moving to a safer planet.

      3. Cpt Blue Bear

        Re: "Going up Camborne Hill, coming down..."

        "What would happen if Chuck Norris took up Morris Dancing?"

        They wouldn't have him 'cause he doesn't drink. Besides, you can't do the Stick and Bucket dance in cuban heels.

  19. A K Stiles
    Pirate

    Article Title

    Every time I look at it, and I CAN see the individual words for what they are but, my brain translates that into "Alien Dread Pirate Roberts"...

    Oooh - now where's the category for the Rodents of Unusual Size?

  20. earl grey Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    You will be assimilated.

    BORG for the win.

  21. dogged

    Aliens

    Beings of pure Light

    "Fuck off, you big lamp!"

  22. John 110
    Mushroom

    John Sheridan? (who went to Z'ha'dum anyway -- AND CAME BACK!)

  23. Vinyl-Junkie
    Stop

    Thermodynamically speaking....

    Entropy wins, every time....

    Resistance may be futile, but in the long run so is winning!

    Icon because everything does, sooner or later.

  24. breakfast

    Following other laws of physics

    If we are considering ninjas, surely the Law Of Conservation Of Ninjutsu suggests that there should only be one ninja.

    I would link TVTropes on the subject, but it's not the end of the work day yet and I don't want to entirely destroy everyone's productivity.

    1. mark 63 Silver badge

      Re: Following other laws of physics

      No link needed, you've just lost me 90 minutes and counting! I'm supposed to be spraying my car today!

  25. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

    Who would win in a fight?

    As in any fight, the winner would be the one hitting first, by surprise, preferably from behind.

    With that settled, please do proceed.

  26. Frood42
    Happy

    Samurai Pizza Cats

    Samurai Pizza Cats, they're so bad, they've got more fur than any turtle ever had.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Go

    Easy!

    Bacteria.

    "...and directly these invaders arrived, directly they drank and fed, our microscopic allies began to work their overthrow."

  28. fearnothing

    This question was solved a long time ago.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    > "Zombies. To your front. In your own time, go on", after which a brisk burst of gunfire settles the undead horde without difficulty.

    "Jenkins. Chap with the wings there. Five rounds rapid."

    1. Cpt Blue Bear

      I seem to recall they also made pretty short work of a certain American Werewolf in London so that's the furballs out in the first round too.

  30. sisk Silver badge

    Max Brooks

    On the subject of World War Z I think it should be pointed out that the world's militaries had little trouble dropping zombies by the horde once they accepted that zombies were not human. Both the shock and awe tactics and entire classes of conventional weaponry were utterly useless, but when they went back to the good old bolt action of yesteryear and focused on marksmanship above intimidation the zombies ceased to be a real threat. They pretty much wiped out all the zombies in the US with no more than a handful of casualties once they did that.

    Movie? What movie?

  31. ecofeco Silver badge

    Who would win?

    Why, the 5th Element, of course.

  32. Kaltern

    The One. Neo. Or Agents. Hmm... tough choice...

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Needs moar lawyers.

    Or accountants. Or even combat accountants. They'd win. Look at Aliens v Predators. They couldn't even get it on until lawyers had decided they could fight and who'd win.

    Anyway.

    Ninjas. Easily defeated by flour filled balloons in dark corners. Or balloons full of UV paint. See Predator 2 for more info, or the tragic tale of the Neon Ninja. Once dreamed of international infamy, now handing out flyers for Tokyo rave clubs.

    Pirates. Move to Kansas, Nebraska or Switzerland. Simples.

    Vampires. Especially emo vamps. Easily defeated by mirrors and shopping malls. For a species that apparently can't see their reflections, they appear to spend a lot of time on their looks. Beware the ones that look like HoboVampires as they're old-skool and extremly lethal.

    Robots. If they have rounded corners, they're toast. Nanobots have more potential, although the fate of the G'Gugvuntts and Vl'hurgs shows the importance of proper invasion planning.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Undead?

    Zombies: corpses come to life, generally wanting to eat/maim/dismember people who haven't gone through the same process.

    Vampires: corpses come to life, generally wanting to drink/maim/dismember people who haven't gone through the same process.

    Mummies: REALLY OLD corpses come to life, generally wanting to maim/dismember people who were bad mannered enough to wake them up - or otherwise disturb their relaxation time. Oh, and generally have nicer living quarters than the other two.

    So mummies are really just zombies (and possibly vampires) with a bit of age/experience/wisdom. Some are still keeping old mainframe systems running. Seems to me, they're among the "original" BOFHs. How are they not called out in the poll?

    1. dogged

      Re: Undead?

      > Seems to me, they're among the "original" BOFHs. How are they not called out in the poll?

      Answering your own questions there.

    2. sisk Silver badge

      Re: Undead?

      Seems to me, they're among the "original" BOFHs. How are they not called out in the poll?

      Oh come on now. We want a competition, not a slam dunk victory.

  35. Cipher

    Aeon Flux

    And her pal, the chick with four hands.

  36. Dick Emery

    What?

    I don't understand the question.

    Now if you mean sexy alien vampire furry cyborg Jedi pirates I can handle that!

  37. diadomraz

    There are at least two whole groups missing. First mutated humans with special abilities. This group will include most of the Marvel comics characters like X-men,spiderman. The second are the hell born - devils, demons, imps.

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