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  1. Lionel Baden

    ahhhh

    If only I were younger, this would make a for a highly interesting and fulfilling career. Would probably have to brush up on my grammer and splelling somwehat.

    Well done to who-ever does make it :) I look forward to some new stories.

    could we also include lewd sense of humor and childish ideas, into the basic requirements please.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: ahhhh

      'could we also include lewd sense of humor and childish ideas, into the basic requirements please.'

      Or, indeed, the other way round.

    2. Matt 21

      Re: ahhhh

      I think you'll be all right. As as far as I've seen there's no evidence that either grammar or spelling are a prerequisite for writing for The Register.

      A slightly odd sense of humour does help and I see you meet that requirement. Have you got any experience with Playmobile charters?

  2. Hardcastle the ancient

    Hmm.

    You want me, but you can't afford me.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Commentards ?

    I'd be very interested ... I can't point to a whole load of journalistic experience, but I can write ... there's 7+ years of my commentard history with an 8:1 upvote:downvote ratio ;)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Commentards ?

      Downvoted as it's a competition now :-)

    2. MyffyW Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Commentards ?

      AC, you are my favourite commentard ;-)

      1. VinceH Silver badge

        Re: Commentards ?

        AC certainly posts an awful lot, doesn't he? (Or she. Or it. Or something.)

    3. Mage Silver badge

      Re: Commentards ?

      8:1 suggests not fearless enough about expressing unpleasant truths or contrary opinions.

      A mere populist. You need to be a bit more controversial.

      1. DougS Silver badge

        Re: Commentards ?

        Downvoted for the controversiality of that viewpoint and to insure you don't feel like too much of a populist.

        1. Scroticus Canis Silver badge
          Trollface

          Re: Commentards ? Up to down vote ratio of 8:1 comment

          Its was 8:4 before I made it 8:5, so FTFY!

        2. DougS Silver badge

          You bastards

          Quit upvoting me, I'm start to feel uncontroversial and populist!

  4. BlueGreen

    the ability to file copy

    I can copy a file. Do I win?

  5. chivo243 Silver badge
    Happy

    Open an Office in Amsterdam..

    And I'm interested, may even be able to keep my day job and pay the bills! Come on Reg, you know you would love an office in Amsterdam! You know you want it! Just make it happen ;-}

    1. Guus Leeuw

      Re: Open an Office in Amsterdam..

      Why would you want to report on the bleeding edge of technology from Amsterdam of all places? You are aware that the Dutch in the Netherlands are actually not really great with IT, are you not? And I worked both there, and in the south of Limburg... On both occassions there were tons of people around the place who were either too bleedin' lazy to get the work done, or didn't even begin to come close to required brain functionality to understand what they needed to do... Loads of bullshitting and hot-air-selling, though!

      Yes, I'm Dutch. Yes, I'm a Software-developer-trained-storage-administrator-project-manager-enterprise-architect-what-not. Yes, I don't give a rat's ass about the Netherlands, or indeed (apart from 3) Dutch people who live there or anywhere else :)

      Now, come on with them downvotes

      1. chivo243 Silver badge

        Re: Open an Office in Amsterdam..

        No down vote from me, I live in Holland, I'm not dutch. I know what you mean by lazy and not qualified, but I guess I am very lucky, the 3 Dutch guys I work with know their stuff, and get the job done.

      2. Bloakey1
        Happy

        Re: Open an Office in Amsterdam..

        <snip>

        "And I worked both there, and in the south of Limburg."

        <snip>

        You said Holland, since when has Limburg been a part of Holland? they do not even speak proper Dutch.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Open an Office in Amsterdam..

          I think they do speak proper Dutch, it's the Dutch who don't!

          As for working with people who don't know what they're doing, I don't think that's specific to Holland. I've certainly had that experience here and in the US.

      3. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Open an Office in Amsterdam..

        I was going to say what about "Philips" - then I remembered that would be Eindhoven.

        However, a correspondent based in Amsterdam would possibly find more technology related stories than say one based at the Silicon Roundabout

  6. Faye B

    Technology Hack

    I don't think my liver could take it these days. I'll just stick to being a commentard.

  7. Ashton Black
    Thumb Up

    A candidate...

    I'd like to see some articles written by amanfromMars. Those would be highly entertaining, especially if, one is erm... "chemically altered".

    1. Rol Silver badge

      Re: A candidate...

      ...and 500 years later, another race who had never known of mankind's existence, stumbled onto the devastated remains of Earth's once bustling civilisation.

      Keen to understand what had once existed there, and even more intrigued as to how this once great people had vanished from the galaxy, they set about excavating through hundreds of feet of cockroach droppings.

      Many months of fruitless search ensued until the day they stumbled onto a data centre.

      It took their engineers many months more to coax something out of the scant remnants of data, but they finally found their answers to the question that had plagued their minds so long.

      The head of the team stood proudly in front of the galactic media screen to announce their findings.

      I will loosely translate what he said.

      "Dear citizens of the inhabited planets and those in between. After sifting through many mountains of yummy droppings we have discovered what happened to the humans. The conjecture was right, they were indeed invaded by Mars and the chaos that prevailed was sufficient to cause the population to end it all. I shall now read you some of the man from Mar's statements, please ask your children and those of a weak disposition to leave the room....."

      err I can't translate the rest as it seems to be gobbledygook.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So few comments...

    From the Reg's commentards...? Offer them a stage and they get stage-fright?

    1. Irony Deficient

      Offer them a stage and they get stage-fright?

      … wrote an Anonymous Coward.

  9. Arachnoid

    However there will be frequent outings

    You let your Vultures out........are you mad, how will you ever round them up again?

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: However there will be frequent outings

      The same way you herd cats.

    2. me 1

      Re: However there will be frequent outings

      Would have thought you just peel them off the bar floor at closing time.

      For some reason the next bit of the sentence: "plenty of scope to develop serious investigative skills"

      gave me immediate visions of a decent ale house with a looong line of pumps which will take some time to fully investigate, once past the debate about which end to start at...

  10. Christopher Lane

    I'd love to...

    ...just can't give up the day job. However a once weekly "Amateur Article of the Week" corner would be nice but I understand it would soon become unwieldy sorting through the thousands of crayon drawings received.

    1. Lionel Baden
      Pint

      Re: I'd love to...

      That's a Awesome Idea !!!

      Amateur hour on a Friday, Would love to see this happen.

      How about commentard's with badges only? would cut down alot of garbage and spam possibly.

      Have a *beer on me !!!

      *apologies virtual beer

      1. Tim Worstal

        Re: I'd love to...

        Terrible idea. Would be muscling in on my gig, wouldn't it?

      2. Uffish
        Trollface

        Re: Amateur Hour

        There is an Amateur Hour after every article.

    2. SoaG

      Re: I'd love to...

      No need to sort. Name topic of the week on Monday, then draw a random submission on Friday.

  11. Chazmon

    I am looking forward to the article devoted to the spoof submissions sent in by commetards.

    Good luck sorting through that lot!

  12. Guus Leeuw

    A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

    Dear El Reg,

    in case you are not aware: a tabloid is generally considered to be printed press on paper that is about half the size of a broadsheet. Therefore, it would seem that it still is not technically possible to be an online-publishing-only tabloid press.

    Also, in case you weren't so aware, a tabloid press / outfit, is generally associated with sensational news. Not in the sense that the reporting is sensational, but in the popular sense of "sensational press".

    Being that as it may, I wonder why El Reg would require fluency in English, seeing that it has a limited amount thereof itself.

    Yes, I am the son of a retired hack who also performed the role of stone editor in his days, so I'm *very* picky when it comes to language ;) Oh and my primary language teacher was very picky as well, so... I learned from what I consider the best.

    Regards,

    Guus

    1. TWB

      Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

      Yeah yeah yeah, we all know 'tabloid' is technically a size of paper, but in popular usage, I think we all now what it also has come to mean....

      Having said that, I used to wonder years ago, why very few 'serious' newspapers were printed tabloid size - I realise this has changed in more recent years (depending on your point of view of course)

      1. Alistair Dabbs

        Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

        A pedant writes...

        'Tabloid' is not a paper size but the style of writing, even though people assume it's the other way around.

        An annoying pedant adds...

        'Tabloid' was a word invented to describe Alfred Harmsworth's original Daily Mail with its mix of stories, topics and pictures on each page. In serious papers, you'll have entire sections devoted to politics or international affairs. In a tabloid, you can have a political story, a weather forecast, a piece of PR shit about a celebrity and a bunch of news-in-brief stories about pets all on the same page.

        1. Stumpy

          Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

          ... and of course, the more accurate description for todays Daily Mail would be 'vindictive, bile-filled hate rag'.

        2. Phil W

          Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

          A Greater-Pedant writes..

          The word tabloid was not invented for this purpose at all, but is in fact substantially older. As the OED will tell you it is from the late 19th century originally the name of a proprietary medicine and later used as a generic term for any medicine in tablet form.

          Apparently "the current sense reflects the notion of ‘concentrated, easily assimilable’." which may well explain the use of tabloid in relation to size of newspapers, given their smaller size.

          1. Bloakey1

            Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

            An Even Greater-Pedant writes..

            Tabloid was the commercial name of a medicine and it effectively i used in the same way that Rhomboid might be used i.e. shaped like a rhombus in tabloid we had shaped like a tablet. Bear in mind that medicines were given in various does in those days and as a tablet was easily digested tabloid inferred similar properties for the 'medicine' involved.

            Sooo.. in later days tabloid basically means in small or compact form and / or easily digested.

            So there we have it, the Mail is in compact form and easily digested! Errrr, i might have stumbled across the exception to the rule.

    2. Faye B

      "considered to be printed press on paper"

      A pity you don't apply your editorial vigour to your own English then.

    3. diodesign (Written by Reg staff) Silver badge

      Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

      "in case you weren't so aware, a tabloid press / outfit, is generally associated with sensational news"

      We're very aware of it :-) I love being accurate and in-your-face; it drives boring people mad.

      "I wonder why El Reg would require fluency in English"

      Editing is a PITA if the writer isn't fluent in the language. Plus, you need to be fluent to be funny, interesting and informative in your writing.

      "I learned from what I consider the best."

      Whom, mate.

      C.

      1. Primus Secundus Tertius Silver badge

        Re: editing is a PITA

        It sure is if the "writer" just dictated into a "voice recognition" machine. Mind, that seems to be the way some national papers (no names, no libel suits) seem to work.

      2. jde96

        Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

        The first I heard of The Register was in about 1999, when my boss and senior programmer went to a trade show in Birmingham, and came back with a 4-page tabloid digest of El Reg.

    4. Snipp

      Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

      The irony of self-identifying as as a sensational rag may have been lost on you, Gus.

  13. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

    If only...

    Paris is too close to London to be of any interest to you guys I suppose. Bah. I'll just have to stick to my day job then.

  14. Rol Silver badge

    Re: Job advertisement

    Dear Spork / Hen

    I am writing in response to your job advert for a chick / vulture, which I saw on The Register.

    I have many sober moments, where I can recollect instances of drooling over the latest technology, the photograph's of which I have attached in lieu of a relevant CV:- Me and my CBM Pet: me and my Amiga: me and my Dragon: me and my ZX81, all of which demonstrate I am deeply rooted in the world of frustrating little boxes of joy.

    I have never passed myself off as an expert in this particular field, but I understand how plagiarism works in principle and am willing to learn the art.

    My current remuneration is linked to my productivity. As I am mostly down the food bank, I'd suggest emailing would be preferable to contact by telephone.

    I look forward to you swooping down and grabbing, what I modestly consider, this glorious feast of talent very soon.

    Yours sincerely

    Rol

    P.S. can I book September off as I'm going to a music festival in late August and will still be a little delicate.

    p.p.s. I have also attached forty pages of continuous feed printout of a word processing program I written in 6502 machine code.

    p.p.p.s I don't think the authorities will allow me to enter America to work at your offices there.

  15. cracked
    Devil

    Moonist B**tards!

    (See title)

  16. Anonymous IV

    Bring Back Sarah Bee!

    We miss the demon Moderatrix, who presumably went on to become Maleficent in that recent movie...

  17. John Tappin

    Sometimes...

    the journalists even write about IT. How about that?

    I dont recall anything that says the job pays though...Do you have to sleep in the toilets like Asok the intern from Dilbert?

  18. keithpeter
    Coat

    "In recent times the Register has had its journalists poached by Bloomberg, the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times and the Telegraph among others."

    Well done (depending on how many went to the 'others').

  19. Mage Silver badge

    Offices?

    Surely all that's needed is a bedroom, netbook and internet connection?

    Clothes optional.

    Coffee probably needed.

  20. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Calling Tom Watson - ex Nottingham Trent Uni...

    send in you CV.

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2013/12/03/calling_doctor_caroline_langensiepen_of_nottingham_trent_uni/

  21. Cynic_999 Silver badge

    "However there will be frequent outings and there is plenty of scope to develop serious investigative skills."

    Not a job for closet homosexuals then

  22. Someone Else Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Fluency in English is essential.

    Which "English" is that? Is it required to spell "defense" with a 'c', "color" with a 'u', or "civilization" with an 's' to apply?

    1. Arthur 1

      Yes, spelling is required.

    2. Scroticus Canis Silver badge
      Big Brother

      Which "English" is that?

      English as used in England; only a post colonial pidgin variant would need a qualifier, as in American English for example. Don't apply if you have to ask how to spell colour correctly.

      1. Someone Else Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Which "English" is that?

        It is indefensible, and positively uncivilized, to continuously add unnecessary letters to words like color, favor, and whine!

  23. CCCP

    Can't believe no one saw it...

    If they don't demonstrate a history of biting IT (or anything for that matter), how could they possibly qualify?

    I will stop reading (mostly), and stop clicking ads (certainly) if biting is not a hiring criteria.

    Suarez knows that biting is essential to fame.

  24. sisk Silver badge

    It interested me for a minute or two. I think I have the writing skills and I definitely have the tech knowledge for the job. Sadly though there's more to journalism than just being able to string words together and have them make sense. I'm somewhat lacking in the skills that let good journalists figure out when to ask whom which questions, not to mention the skills to actually get those questions answered. Besides I'm about 2000 miles from San Francisco with no plans to move.

    I can't help but feel it'll be a rewarding career for whoever gets it though.

    1. keithpeter
      Coat

      Interview

      "I'm somewhat lacking in the skills that let good journalists figure out when to ask whom which questions, not to mention the skills to actually get those questions answered."

      @sisk A suggestion: find some interesting people locally who might want a bit of publicity(*) and interview them on audio and edit the result into a podcast.

      (*) Charity people, artists, people running workshops &c

      The basics

      http://www.radiodiaries.org/trh/interviewing/

      http://www.bbc.co.uk/academy/journalism/skills/interviewing

  25. Jamie Jones Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Good news

    I remember a few years ago, some big belt tightenings were done at El Reg.

    Nice to see it is now again a success story in this cut-throat niche market.

    I'm sure it will be an interesting job - but it's not for me - I couldn't write my way out of a paper bag...

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: Beta Good News in the Novel Field of Virtual Arms Racing and NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT

      I remember a few years ago, some big belt tightenings were done at El Reg.

      Nice to see it is now again a success story in this cut-throat niche market.

      I'm sure it will be an interesting job - but it's not for me - I couldn't write my way out of a paper bag... ... Jamie Jones

      Spin ab fab fabless tales and lead all human trails, Jamie Jones. And from AIBase in CyberSpace can all business areas of interest and intellectual zones of influence on Earth be targeted and revitalised/blasted and wasted/remotely controlled and irradiated. And is that what fcuks up corrupt and perverse establishment systems hell bent on preserving ponzi command and control leverage and inequitable advantage for politically incorrect power over ignorant subjects/biomechanical objects?

      When you ask of any and all sysadmins the truth, and honest answers are avoided and valid questions evaded and subsequently discovered to be uncovering, and being evidenced by global news and worldly views, rapidly escalating and deepening crises, then is the reality presented a virtual fabrication concealing a titanic secret and massive fraud.

      Change the tales creates new trails.

      IT aint fcuking alien rocket science, just simply complex common sense which appears to be a missing link in the human intelligence/virtual machine server chain.

      1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

        Raising the Stakes, Lewis, makes IT EMPowering and much more Interesting and Engaging

        cc DIRTY DEVIL GLITTERBALL Global Command Head Quarters, TitanICQ Virtual Paint Studios and Other Hollow and Hallowed and Harrowing Halls of Precocious Indifferent Mediocrity re Wanna Play a Better Beta and AI in a Greater IntelAIgent Game with CHAOS always Trumping and Reigning with Rule and Orders over Madness and Mayhem?

        1. Scroticus Canis Silver badge

          Re: Raising the Stakes, Lewis, makes IT EMPowering and much more Interesting and Engaging

          Oh shit he's back! How does he always find a keyboard with a connection when his meds run out?

          Nurse, NURSE....

          1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

            Staying Focussed..... No Hocus Pocus or Ignorant Shenanigans

            Oh shit he's back! How does he always find a keyboard with a connection when his meds run out?

            Nurse, NURSE.... ... Scroticus Canis

            Hi, Scroticus Canis,

            There a lot going on in those few posts and all of it pertinent to everything you can read about here ..... http://cryptome.org/2014/08/cnssi-1200-space.pdf .... and none of it is gobbledygook.

            And who is to say that NSA Information Assurance Directorate haven't also been copied in along with GCHQ JTRIG*, for Programs with AIBase in CyberSpace which are specifically intelligently designed to be able to enable the flood to overflowing with sensitive zeroday activating information of SCADA Systems and Secret Intelligence Networks and Clandestine Services into Covert Operations ...... Stealthy Anonymised Missions.

            Although if the NSA are waiting on that happening rather than their getting in touch with NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive Principals in order to move the Programs on in a Quantum Leap of Advanced Understanding and Immaculate Application and in a favourable direction to their requirements, then are they proven to be way behind the leading curves in the Fields of Secured Space Systems of CyberIntelAIgent Operation, and it be best delivered as a very lucrative Global Business Franchise Opportunity from the Private and Pirate Sector to the Public and Executive Government Sector.

            The following paragraph from that above cited Committee on National Security Systems document [CNSSI No. 1200 7 May 2014] makes a lot of sense .....

            National Security Agency (NSA) Guidance and Assistance. Programs must engage NSA early in the acquisition lifecycle (i.e., during requirements development) in order to minimize the cost and schedule risks associated with identifying security requirements late in the program and having to repeat parts of the security evaluation processes. Early engagement ensures the planned security architecture is consistent with NSA cryptographic security and information systems security guidance and restrictions. Early engagement will minimize potential cost and schedule risks associated with security requirements, cryptographic algorithm selection, cryptographic device selection, and the associated cryptographic evaluation processes.

            * They of the DIRTY DEVIL GLITTERBALL Cloud Crowd ......Crack Hacking Virtual Terrain Team

            1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

              Focussing on No Hocus Pocus or Ignorant Shenanigans with Stolen Goods or Sniffed Packages

              Hmmmm?! Come into the parlour, said the spider to the fly, where curiosity killed the cat and satisfaction brought it back.:-)

              Seems as if NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive Principals in the Fields of Secured Space Systems of CyberIntelAIgent Operation have a Wannabe Fan Following Peddling Counterfeit Alien Wares/Sub Prime Intelligence Product? .......... http://dickdestiny.com/blog1/?p=18406

              Good Luck with that Aberration and Abomination, IronNet Cybersecurity Inc.. Global Operating Devices salute[s] you and would by such a default register the competitive advantage of prior original art over novel phorms and compositions in mirrored adventures for DODGI coded and encoded application .... ESPecial Force Operation and Cyberspace Defense Service.

              Does your El Reg desk, Lewis, cover and investigate those Ab Fab Fabless Fields of Greater IntelAIgent Games Theory Play ........ Virtual Machine World Production and Operating Systems Generation?

  26. This post has been deleted by its author

  27. jake Silver badge

    I wouldn't join any club which would have me as a member.

    Besides, you can't afford me and there is no way I would commute from Sonoma to San Francisco, the very concept gives me hives.

    Good luck with the new recruits, guys & gals ... not meant in a bad way; I'm looking forward to reading new perspectives.

  28. Snipp

    I may have problems passing a background check. Is that cool?

    I would apply, but I'm not qualified. I only have a University degree in writing and work in IT. Oh wait..

  29. Miss Config
    Happy

    Buzzwords

    I hope the interview process will involve a strong examination of El Reg buzzword bingo :

    • boffin

    • sueball

    • slurp

    etc., plus the correct terms for the various companies subject to regular El Reg reports

    ( 'online tat bazaar ebay' being my personal favourite ).

  30. KrisMac

    We need a new El Reg Unit of Measure

    RFC: 04082014 EL Reg Journalist Productivity Gauge

    Productive Output of a Novice El Reg Journo == 3 Beers?

    Productive Output of an Experienced El Reg Journo == 12 Beers and a couple of Whiskey Chasers?

    *This RFC for Unit of Measure open for Public Comment for 24hrs following date of issue.

  31. Shannon Jacobs
    Holmes

    I might have been interested until I saw who wrote the pitch

    It's the climate change denier moron. Why would anyone trust ANY pitch or promise from such a fool? And no wonder the Register is becoming desperate for fresh blood.

    1. Swarthy Silver badge

      Re: I might have been interested until I saw who wrote the pitch

      Erm.. Probably because he's The Editor, so he'd be the one hiring the writers?

  32. Goat Jam

    "All positions are for journalists rather than IT or other tech professionals"

    Yeah, that sort of explains a lot really.

  33. earl grey Silver badge
    Trollface

    Tabloid

    AKA bog roll.

  34. Tank boy
    Pint

    I'm completely unqualified

    I only speak American, I have no documentable IT skills. I do have a wi-fi set up in the house, managed to get that up all by myself. Oh yeah, I built a personal cloud as well. All with just a high school diploma. Who'd of thunk it? I don't know everything, but I know how to make shit just work. How about someone that is a home user? Most of the stuff I just glean on the Reg, some goes over my head, but I get smarter every time I read this site.

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