back to article Creepy battery-operated teddy bear sex toy..,sadly, this is for real

What do you buy the woman that has everything? Something else, we would advise, and certainly not the latest cuddly sex toy hoping to find a place in the hearts (and between the legs) of women everywhere. Teddy Love is a "bear that will love you forever", or least until its AA batteries run out. It offers the sort of love …

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  1. andreas koch
    Facepalm

    One ticket to Mars, please.

    No, I don't need a return, one-way only, thank you.

    1. fajensen Silver badge

      Re: One ticket to Mars, please.

      And now we suddenly remember the end of "Screamers"!?

      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114367/

  2. edge_e
    IT Angle

    Not exactly easy to clean

    Is the IT angle "As filthy as keyboards"?

  3. dan1980

    I've never really considered myself a prude but what-the-f**k? (Or 'f**k-the-what?', I suppose . . .)

    It seems like the 'problem' this is 'solving' is the conspicuousness of existing sex toys. The two points that come to mind are:

    • If your sex toys are hanging out of your bag, the solution is to put them in the bag and zip it up; that's the trick.
    • If this product succeeds, one would presume that it would become recognisable. Given the odd nature of the toy, one can imagine similar news stories to this cropping-up and thus furthering the awareness of the product. Being somewhat harder to transport surreptitiously than the more conventional option, wouldn't it being a bear now be something of a disadvantage?

    In other words, if you are having trouble fitting your vibrators in your bag (such that they don't stick out) then the solution is to get a bigger bag, not a bigger vibrator.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      That problem has been solved

      If this product succeeds, one would presume that it would become recognisable.

      Adult version of "Build a Bear Workshop". Just this time it will be "Build a Vibrator Workshop".

      My coat.

      1. TheOtherHobbes

        Re: That problem has been solved

        Will there be a penguin version?

        1. Havin_it
          Linux

          @TheOtherHobbes Re: That problem has been solved

          >Will there be a penguin version?

          Protip: your SO isn't as "into" Linux as she tells you she is.

        2. tim99uk

          Re: That problem has been solved

          If there is a penguin version would the user have to agree that the resulting orgasm can be used by the community for future orgasms under the a open source license?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Never had your bags searched at the airport? Everything (ahem) comes out.

      If you had toys, I suspect that might be embarrassing.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        No experience in this, but wouldn't you pack the toys in your checked in luggage rather than the carry on luggage?

        Unless you're showing off...

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

        2. Bullseyed

          Haven't you seen the stories where they were in checked luggage and the bag searchers pulled them out and taped them to the outside of the bag along with notes like "you go girl!"?

      2. dan1980

        @AC

        "Never had your bags searched at the airport? Everything (ahem) comes out. If you had toys, I suspect that might be embarrassing."

        My post was aiming more at humour than a reasoned argument; evidently I failed.

        To address your point, however, it's six or one-half dozen.

        Scenario 1:

        You get your bags searched and the people who have seen nearly everything (including their fair share of dildos, ball gags, butt plugs and nipple clamps) find your vibrator and silently continue on with their task.

        Scenario 2:

        You go through the metal-detector with your 'furry friend' and it sets it off. You then put the bear through the scanner where the operator pauses to scrutinise it, trying to figure out what those odd bits are inside. The operator calls over the supervisor and they point and trace their fingers across the screen for a bit and then take you to one side to question you about why you a carrying a teddy bear. Embarrassed, you lie and say it's a present for your daughter, despite it looking a bit worn out around the face. They then ask you why there are wires and electrical equipment running through the inside . . .

        But, again, I was trying to be humorous as both problems are easily solved by simply popping anything your embarrassed about in your check-in luggage.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Scenario 1

          The security operatives will have seen everything, but they aren't the problem, you probably aren't going to see them again.

          It's the work mates you're travelling with, especially the PFY.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Yep, indeed. Don't even need to be sex toys. Had our bags searched leaving Jaffna airport back in 2003. The ex had a supply of tampons. The (female) army officer had no idea what they were, and our Sinhalese wasn't up to the job of explaining, and somehow sign language didn't seem wise.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Soft" toys

      You've been able to buy adult versions of bath ducks for years, so I presume people buy them or they wouldn't be on sale.

      Years ago I remember the girls in the office buying one of the guys a "Luv Ewe" as a present. Present intended to cause maximum embarrassment, except he thought it was hilarious, be happy with his Welsh heritage. I wonder how many of these will be bought as for hen parties to poke fun rather than have fun.

      1. DanceMan
        Thumb Up

        Re: "Soft" toys

        "to poke fun"

        Have an upvote.

    4. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

      You're probably only going to recognise Sex Teddy in public if you own your own Sex Teddy. So I'm sceptical about the embarrassment.

      The main things that I see wrong with it are that it doesn't exist yet and is a venture capital project, and that it probably doesn't really do anything technologically wonderful I mean, a Furby talks to you.

      1. dan1980

        @Robert Carnegie

        Actually, I think the fact that it doesn't exist yet is most right thing about it.

  4. drunk.smile

    Is the voice of Seth MacFarlane an optional extra?

    1. Kane Silver badge
      Happy

      Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!

  5. Ian Emery Silver badge

    "Bring back the vibrating Harry Potter wand" I say!!!

    1. Vince Lewis 1

      I believe it was the nimbus 2000 broom the vibrated.

  6. Anonymous Blowhard

    If you go down to the woods today...

    Does sex with a teddy bear count as bestiality?

    1. razorfishsl

      Re: If you go down to the woods today...

      No more than that bloody rabbit & dolphin shaped dildo….

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Earache!

    I can foresee a plague of ear-tweaking teddy stalkers. No teddy is going to be safe going out in public.

    1. P. Lee Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Earache!

      If you go down in the woods today...

  8. JDX Gold badge

    Absolutely amazing. I especially love that it's controlled by the ears when "down there"...

    1. andreas koch
      Paris Hilton

      @ JDX -

      Ear-otic?

      Un-bear-able . . .

      Sorry.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      ..controlled by the ears when "down there"...

      that's how my partner controls me...

  9. JDX Gold badge

    Onion?

    I pasted this link in FB-chat and it added, underneath the automatic summary/photo, a link to theonion.com. Does FB know something El Reg isn't telling us?

  10. Tim Worstal

    How bizarre

    Yesterday (no, really, 'tis true this) I was discussing with a sex toy designer what gaps there might be in the market. And neither of us managed to come up with a teddy bear that performs cunnilingus as the answer.

    Amazingly enough.....

    1. dan1980

      Re: How bizarre

      @Tim Worstal

      An opening, perhaps?

      BAD DAN!!!! Back in your corner!!!!!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: How bizarre

      A toy rattlesnake with animated tail and tongue? Filled with warm water at body temperature. Suitable for male or female.

      Similar to the Teddy - a severed male head - complete with a "Seven Veils" outfit. Without the latter it could be aimed at the "Militant Feminist" market segment.

      Perfect props for Sunday School story illustrations too - switched off of course.

      Presumably some of the scenes from "The Devils" have already been plundered for ideas?

      Bad taste? Certainly - but when did anyone go broke catering for people's private fantasies (discretely)?

    3. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
      Go

      Re: How bizarre

      Diversifying?

      or have you found a new market for Scandium?

    4. Graham Marsden
      Happy

      @Tim Worstal - Re: How bizarre

      I've been in the adult products business (making and selling leather BDSM gear) for 20 years now and every time I think I've seen it all, someone comes up with a product that makes me go "I would never have thought of *that*!"

      So don't be disappointed that you didn't think of this one...

    5. Havin_it
      Paris Hilton

      Re: How bizarre

      Nice going Tim, now I can't wait to see the PR campaign for Worstal Bank ;)

  11. Ketlan
    Happy

    Slurp this...

    I've been told I look a bit like a teddy bear. Sorted. No batteries required either.

  12. Khaptain Silver badge

    Maybe not so innocent

    So that's why Paddington Bear has a rather smug look.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Maybe not so innocent

      that is NOT marmalade on his sandwiches ...

      1. Steven Raith

        Re: Maybe not so innocent

        Oh god, there goes my childhood.....

    2. Captain DaFt

      Re: Maybe not so innocent

      "So that's why Paddington Bear has a rather smug look."

      It also throws a new meaning on Pooh's obsession with 'honeypots'.

  13. codejunky Silver badge

    All fun

    Until a dog or child finds it! So many opportunities for embarrassment with the teddy that smells funny and vibrates

    1. MadBof

      Re: All fun

      And fur that is all stuck together.

  14. 0laf Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Mix it in with Bad Taste Bears and you're laughing, or screaming depending on your supply of C Cells.

  15. TRT Silver badge

    I forsee a problem with the name...

    "Teddy Love" is a trademark owned by the Kennedy estate, surely?

  16. Neil Barnes Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    (c) Harry Harrison 1965

    "I always do what Teddy says..."

    Prior art, I feel sure!

  17. frank ly Silver badge

    But she's not wearing a teddy.

    Can we see pictures of her wearing a teddy? Have I misunderstood something?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: But she's not wearing a teddy.

      For that matter, she's not bare either.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wait till the UK gutter press get hold of this

    (by which I mean *any* UK newspaper ....)

    Teddy Bears, and sex ? The only link can be paedophiles ...

  19. Jamie Jones Silver badge
    Trollface

    Meanwhile, back in Wales...

    "Yes your honour, this toy stuffed sheep found in my possession.... A gift for the kids, m'lord. Honest"

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What would Freud say about this....

    You have spent way to much time with your Teddy Ruxpin.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teddy_Ruxpin

    1. joeW

      Re: What would Freud say about this....

      They'll be missing a trick if they don't call it Teddy Fuxpin.

  21. TitterYeNot

    Thanks for nothing Teddy Love, just... thanks...

    Meanwhile, down in hundred acre wood...

    .

    "Piglet?" said Winnie-the-Pooh.

    "Yes Pooh?"

    "When you go up to the big house with Christopher Robin, does his Mummy play with you too? She starts pulling my ears and making funny noises, and keeps talking about me finding her hunny pot. I can never find any hunny, however hard I look."

    "No Pooh," said Piglet.

    "That's what Eeyore said too. Bother..."

    1. Jamie Jones Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Thanks for nothing Teddy Love, just... thanks...

      Haha, that's just gross!

      I did have a guilty laugh though!

  22. Bottle_Cap

    It's the idea of the mans version of this I find scary....

    1. Don Jefe

      The guys already have access to an otherwise nearly universal household item that's been repurposed with the fuckable flashlights.

  23. Tom 7 Silver badge

    This has got my interest piqued

    the opportunities for hacking are numerous.

    I think I might just start with echo...

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Anybody ever seen Screwballs 2? .. Purity and her teddybear ..

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      In the politically incorrect !970s Leslie Thomas wrote "The Man With The Power". The reverend's teenage daughter still took her doll to bed with her - and had found a use for the detachable arm.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    She just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich

    Shouldn't this have been a toy koala if it's meant to operate "down under"?

  26. fridaynightsmoke
    Gimp

    There's something fishy about this...

    Can it be put in the wash, I wonder?

  27. drewsup

    Jimmy, get back here now!

    But Mummy, I want to the bear with all the flies on it's face!

  28. Don Jefe

    Perfect

    This is perfect for the female drug mules in your life. Any self respecting, female, Colombian or Bolivian drug smuggler should be able to completely change the focus of the conversation should customs agents have questions about the bear.

  29. razorfishsl

    A beaver and a bear walked into a bar….

  30. Chozo
    Coat

    I went down to the woods and got a big surprise

  31. Bob Sanders
    WTF?

    "Toy Story" meets "We Bought A Zoo" ... Buzz Zoo

    More like a beaver got rear ended by a bear.

    Will there be a male version called Platypus Love?

  32. DougS Silver badge

    How is this going to be inconspicuous?

    She might fool her husband/boyfriend that it is just a teddy bear, but if she tries to take it through airport security and they xray it...

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Guys,

    thanks for the heads-up on this...

    she said

  34. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Dazed and Confused Silver badge
      Holmes

      Q: What do you buy the woman that has everything?

      A: A bag, she's a woman.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's adorable how many of you think this is some outlandish thing. Aside from there being way more elaborate toys in the mainstream space, I'm a furry, and the furry community...well.... Some of them have invented some really "out there" shit.

  36. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    How much do you have to kick in to get the instructional video only?

  37. Baudwalk

    I wonder...

    ... Is that bearly legal?

  38. Teiwaz Silver badge

    I wonder if Star Wars Franchising might be in order?

    Ewok, maybe...

    Wookee, Scary...

  39. jestersbro

    The wife's thoughts on this...

    "That'll just get sticky and smell."

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sing along...

    Altogether now...

    Look for the bear necessities

    The simple bare necessities

    Forget about your worries and your strife

    ....

    The bear necessities of life will cum to you

    They'll cum to you!

  41. skeptical i
    Devil

    The thumb of the lass on the right

    looks like a less, um, complicated sex toy -- pure coincidence, right? Just wow. Now I fear the adult version of Hello Kitty -- Hello Pussy -- is not far behind, eeeeeyuuuughhh.

    1. andreas koch
      Coat

      @ skeptical i - Re: The thumb of the lass on the right

      . . . like this?

  42. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Nookie Bear

    Paddington's very distant relative.

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I heard from a source close to matters that their next toy is a fluffy puppy in a tuxedo with an auto-lubed and warmed back end. It'll be called Doggy Style.

  44. Nameless Faceless Computer User

    One thing tho...

    I see absolutely nothing wrong with it... except one thing. During the promotional video, the company was name dropping Disney as using the same manufacturer. Bad idea. Nobody messes with the mouse. It will get ugly. You will loose.

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "our manufacturer in Hong Kong"

    Is Disney certified.

    WTF?

  46. Caaaptaaaain kick arse

    Shades of Bo Selecta

    Does this bear do interviews too?

  47. lunatik96

    1 - why not pack in your luggage instead of carry ons? Everyone that travels knows they l;ose your luggage so you keep necessities in your carry ons. I make sure my meds, tooth brush and clean under garments are in my carry on. If I had a device similar, It would stay at home or be with my carry ons.

    2 - just further proof that men only serve 1 true purpose. Sperm donors. Women won't need us for anything else after these devices catch on, that and picking up the dinner check, flat rent, utilities, trips to the spa for Brazilian wax jobs, car payments and insurance, etc.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      God! Noooooooooo!! Imagine women sending these things round to collect the sperm!!

  48. Zedsquared

    How can the only Teddy bear in the world that has a bizarrely long, rigid, protruding tongue be inconspicuous? Unless I've lead a sheltered childhood and the world is now awash with impudent toy bears?

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