back to article 9 Dark Social Truths That Will Totally Blow Your Bowels!

1: 51 Per Cent Of Internet Traffic Is Stealth Paedophile Music Filesharing Jimmy Savile on TOTP How's about that then, guys and gals?!?! 2: Another 43 Per Cent Is TORtastic Brummie Trojan Horse Black Ops! Email from alleged Trojan Horse Islamist Won't someone think of the children?!?!?!?! 3: 91 per cent of Whatsleft® …

COMMENTS

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  1. hplasm Silver badge
    Pint

    Excellent!

    Good Friday stuff!

    1. Robert E A Harvey

      Re: Excellent!

      Indeed. I'd forgotten it was Friday, and this has cheered me up.

    2. Semtex451 Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Excellent!

      Yes thank you for those shocking Statistics.

      Yours,

      City of London Cops Commish

    3. RegGuy1

      Good Friday stuff!

      Wasn't that in April?

  2. unitron

    Is that Neil Young...

    ...looking ever so jihadi-chic in pre Labor Day white accessorized with khaki suicide vest?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Is that Neil Young...

      Nah, I think it's Margaret Thatcher between getting out of bed and getting her face on of a morning.

      Hint: It's the nightie that gives it away.

  3. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Childcatcher

    Careful now

    You might find this article quoted in some speech by someone important and the next thing you know is the government will have to Do Something About It.

  4. Longrod_von_Hugendong
    Angel

    NSA CIA MI5 / 6 maybe CI5 as well...

    Are now reading the site, it contains lots of keywords that you monitor, please enjoy.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    WTF?

    I appreciate the humour, but this presentation is more Sun level than "traditional" bright and clever El Reg.

    But hey, it's Friday. I'll take what I can get :)

    1. Simon Harris Silver badge

      Re: WTF? "Sun level" @ AC

      Have you never seen Buzzfeed?

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: WTF? "Sun level" @ AC

        Have you never seen Buzzfeed?

        Actually I'd never even heard of Buzzfeed, until El Reg ran their last one of these pisstakes. For destroying which blissful state of ignorance, I personally blame The Register!

        Worse, since that day, a few weeks ago, I keep seeing Buzzfeed crap now. It's almost like my internal bullshit filters had protected me, until The Register managed to bypass them. Damn you El Reg!

        If any articles on My Little Pony porn turn up on here, I'm definitely not going to read them...

      2. 's water music Silver badge

        Re: WTF? "Sun level" @ AC

        Have you never seen Buzzfeed?

        I wonder if the PP meant that Poe's law renders buzzfeed parodies pretty much redundant.

        To be worthwhile I think you would need to play it completely straight and produce a impenetrably technical list that all commentards feel obliged to express amusement at for fear that they be thought insufficiently hard-core enough to have got the in-joke.

        I'm not sure whether there would be extra points for

        - being so obscure that one and only one person actually understands the joke.

        - not having a joke but stimulating a commentard thread that is serendipitously amusing as contributors argue about what the joke was or slide off at a complete tangent.

        1. Grikath Silver badge

          Re: WTF? "Sun level" @ AC

          Stop encouraging them....:p

          oh wait... ;)

          1. moiety

            Re: WTF? "Sun level" @ AC

            Why not do an El Reg day-trip over to Buzzfeed as anyone can contribute?...I'd suggest "9 fatal flaws in cloud computing as expressed by kittens" as an opener, but I'm sure commentards could come up with a list.

      3. Charles Manning

        Re: WTF? "Sun level" @ AC

        "Have you never seen Buzzfeed?"

        Nope.

        Thank you for your warning. I certainly shall not go looking.

    2. Spotfist
      Coat

      Re: WTF?

      Ah yes that may be true but the Sun are almost guaranteed to avoid factoring in the pliers quotient making it very hard to get a grip on these figures.

    3. Adrian 4 Silver badge

      Re: WTF?

      El reg is a red-top. You have to expect some of the style.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I tried to understand

    ... and now my brain hurts.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I tried to understand

      >... and now my brain hurts

      In that case you're probably part of the 4% of adults who still use paper communications, either that or a pair of pliers.

  7. Anonymous Coward 101

    'ISIS Don't Do Facebook'

    According to the BBC, they do Twitter, Instagram and YouTube instead:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-27912569

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 'ISIS Don't Do Facebook'

      >Creepy factoid!

      >8: ISIS Don't Do Facebook

      Perhaps that's why no-one Likes them.

  8. malle-herbert Silver badge

    [Isn't that "Belfies"? - Ed]

    No... it's "Bumfies"...

    1. Paul Lingwood

      Re: [Isn't that "Belfies"? - Ed]

      no .. it's Asstrophotography

  9. fridaynightsmoke
    Coat

    10: A 'Buzzgasm'

    In Birmingham a 'buzzgasm' means when the vibrations passing through the seat of the No.50 buzz cause trouser-related stirrings.

  10. Dave Bell

    You forgot the cluster of strange links at the end of the page, with those tempting but misleading headlines.

    5 Ways to watch Eastenders on your mobile phone.

    The Politician who thinks his family is an "Embellishment".

    England Football team wins a matchstick game!

    8 Surprising Ways to Delete Your Data!

    The big solution to all your Windows problems, from Finland!

    Amazon stops selling books!

    1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

      You forgot ...

      all those headlines from checkout rags like 'National Enquirer', 'The Globe' etc.

      and naturally 'Freddie Starr ate my Hamster'.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freddie_Starr#.22Freddie_Starr_ate_my_hamster.22

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "cluster of strange links at the end of the page"

      "You forgot the cluster of strange links at the end of the page, with those tempting but misleading headlines."

      You mean like the "More from the Web" and "More from the Register" at the end of every article here for a few months now (and every article on many other websites for rather longer)?

      How much do outfits like outbrain actually pay for this clickbait stuff, vs El Reg's official adware tariff?

      How much will outbrain-using sites lose now the ASA have ruled against it?

      http://www.asa.org.uk/Rulings/Adjudications/2014/6/Outbrain-Inc/SHP_ADJ_251818.aspx says

      "We told Outbrain to ensure future advertising placed by them was obviously identifiable as such."

      People don't generally voluntarily click on adverts. Time that website operators, and cowboys like outbrain, accepted that.

      Perhaps we could have an actual article on the subject? It sounds right up Tim's street.

    3. phuzz Silver badge

      A few Adblock filters take care of that nasty little rash.

  11. imanidiot Silver badge

    Communication by pliers

    With sufficient conviction, one might be able to communicate by hole punch and paper tape.

    1. willi0000000

      Re: Communication by pliers

      ah, you kids nowadays . . . paper tape and a hole punch, so very posh . . . back in the day, all we had was sticks . . . and the only way to mark data was to tie knots in them . . . and we didn't have your new-fangled binary neither . . . there was different knots for each number . . . and no standards for whatnot represented what number . . . i tells ya, you could spend all day trying to figure out what . . . . . . . . . [grumble, grumble] *snore*

  12. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Pint

    Proving that 95% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

    I think so.

    But still deserving of some liquid refreshment.

    1. Ian Yates
      Joke

      Re: Proving that 95% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

      I'd heard it was 80%

  13. dogged

    #2

    Rubber dinghy rapids, bro.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Unhappy

      Re: #2

      I used to be friends with ISIS, but their puffin refuses to talk to my puffin now...

      1. Steven Raith
        Coat

        Re: #2

        And that guy Archer keeps shagging my fiancé.

        Steven "Other Barry" Raith.

      2. dogged

        Re: #2

        I don't mock ISIS in case Archer comes round and shoots me.

        1. Steven Raith

          Re: #2

          Dogged, just keep an ocelot handy, you'll be fine.

          You fox-eared asshole.

          1. dogged

            Re: #2

            Buyer's remorse!

            1. Steven Raith

              Re: #2

              "Serpentine, Babou - serpentine!"

              "Look out lads, he's crepuscular!"

              Ah, glorious madness.

  14. mix

    83.5% of statistics are made up anyway.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Social Media and ISIS

    You know dumping social media makes sense.

    The reason why they didnt spot ISIS is becuse that bunch of idiots chose a pre-Islamic goddess for a name or a river in the UK (punting mad) as a name - or were they being crafty?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Social Media and ISIS

      > You know dumping social media makes sense.

      coz selfies aren't much fun when you're wearing a burka.

      1. moiety

        Re: Social Media and ISIS

        Yeah, you can't tell if it's duckface or if they forgot to take their pipe out.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    oh ... ISIS!!!!

    heh ... I thought it was a new Financial Product that was taking the Middle East by storm.

    1. Simon Harris Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: oh ... ISIS!!!!

      Now I hear there's an Iraqi counter-revolutionary group... ISN'TISN'T

      1. hplasm Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: oh ... ISIS!!!!

        Pah! Splitters!!!

  17. Triggerfish

    Excellent choice on the first two images

    actually the third one wasn't to bad either

  18. Hellcat
    Facepalm

    I was looking for a ISIS Gigapipe bottom bracket for my bike. That will be my internet running slow for the next year.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They're all great but I lost it at number 8!

  20. kmac499

    Pliers vs ISIS

    In an upgrade to that old favourite ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS

    Can I suggest ISIS,PLIERS,COLOUR-BLIND

    Now was it the Red or the Green Wire ?? Bugger they're both grey

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What, no mention of clickhole

    http://www.clickhole.com/

    particularly

    http://www.clickhole.com/quiz/nba-finals-quiz-how-well-do-you-know-players-vultu-294

  22. plrndl
    Pint

    I'll have some of what he's on, please.

    (Whatever it is I'm sure it'll fit in a pint glass.)

  23. roger stillick
    Stop

    1920 Iraqi Revolt... n ISIS ??

    WIKI = 1920 Iraqi Revolt...

    Q= how many times do we forget and try to deal with these folks...on their own ground ??

    IMHO= green glass is possibly the only solution... war is stupid (or just ignore them, it's their place)...RS.

    caveiat = i'm a Buddhist techno historian.

  24. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

    Everybody likes Pliers

    https://www.facebook.com/search/108418885848588/likers

  25. Johnny Canuck

    I.m just waiting for doge and grumpy cat to be in the same room. Or ceiling cat.

  26. Cipher

    98% of emails are...

    ... Viagra ads/Notifications from agents of the Nigerian Prince/Political ads asking for money to "Save the World"

  27. Sokolik
    WTF?

    "Talking"? #whazzat?

  28. Martin

    Marginally NSFW?

    I think the third picture means that this should have been labelled as marginally NSFW.

  29. ChrisBedford

    XKCD

    See today's

    http://xkcd.com/1385/

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