back to article US bloke raises $250k to build robo-masturbation device

The inventor of a "powerfully realistic electronic male pleasure machine" has hailed the “outpouring of support” for his robo-orifice after raising a whopping $250k down at Indiegogo. With the backing of over 2,000 chaps, Brian Sloan has shot past his original $45,000 goal and is now poised to deliver worldwide relief via the …

COMMENTS

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  1. frank ly Silver badge

    Imagine ...

    "... I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

    ... how they'd feel if they saw a real one.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Imagine ...

      >how they'd feel if they saw a real one

      Maybe they were offended because they wanted to see a real one.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Let's hope

      Let's hope he doesn't run the thing on Android or Windows, the risk of picking up a dose of malware could be life threatening...

  2. Steven Raith
    Thumb Up

    Bunch of wankers....

    ...so where do I sign?

  3. Bertie D'astard

    Now I've heard it all, Software Defined Wanking!

    1. Crisp Silver badge

      Re: Software Defined Wanking

      That's not actually a bad idea... Let's hope that this device has a decent API and a USB connector.

      You could have it sync up with a movie of your favourite grumble flick, or you could have it vary the grip, frequency and length of strokes.

      1. Bertie D'astard

        Re: Software Defined Wanking

        Let's hope it was "hard" coded without any backdoor exploits :-)

        1. moiety

          Re: Software Defined Wanking

          Software as a service indeed.

          1. Annoyed Grunt

            Re: Software Defined Wanking

            The latest in as-a-Service solutions:

            WaaS - Wanking as a Service

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Software Defined Wanking

          Let's hope it was "hard" coded without any backdoor exploits :-)

          Apparently, some people would consider that an omission :p

        3. RobHib
          Angel

          Re: Software Defined Wanking - @Bertie D'astard

          ... without any backdoor exploits :-)

          Exploits such as the common and inconvenient "I've got a headache" virus, perhaps?

          ;-)

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Software Defined Wanking

        Let's hope that this device has a decent API and a USB connector.

        As long it's not USB powered, I suspect such activity needs a bit more.

        It gives a whole new meaning to the term "USB dongle", though :)

        1. Cliff

          Re: Software Defined Wanking

          Some joke about hard drive floppy drive

          1. Ken 16 Silver badge

            Re: Software Defined Wanking

            You're not even trying anymore.

      3. VinceH Silver badge

        Re: Software Defined Wanking

        "has a decent API and a USB connector."

        Wireless networking, so it['s users bits] can be a part of the Internet of, ahem, Things.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Software Defined Wanking

          Yeah, so blokes can claim they've got IPv6 when we all know it's only really IPv4 ;)

    2. Crazy Operations Guy Silver badge
      Gimp

      A few years back I worked with a woman that was really into AI and machine learning; her partner was a neurologist. She built an AI that would take data from various skin sensors (Salinity, blood flow, temperature), an EEG, and an EKG machine. The AI would then take this input and use it to control toys attached to robotic arms to stimulate nerve clusters in specific ways that would produce the best experience base on feedback from the sensors.

      Last I heard, she was trying to get funding to reduce equipment needed, especially trying to get it so it was no longer a tangled web of cables and taking less than an hour to get hooked in.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        A few years back I worked with a woman that was really into AI and machine learning

        There is one very evil input she can take: strain gages. Just before the moment it's all about certain muscles change tension - abort and restart at that point..

        (she's not the first with that idea, but a full AI is likely to significantly improve on the concept).

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          "a full AI is likely to significantly improve on the concept"

          Just don't give it a female personality or it's bound to get a head ache at the most inopportune time!

          1. Crazy Operations Guy Silver badge

            "female personality or it's bound to get a head ache"

            Depends on which definition of 'head ache' you are using...

    3. Bill Neal
      Happy

      Re: Software Defined Wanking

      Masturbation as a Service? MaaS

    4. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Those who remember the 80s will perhaps remember the newspaper ads "Nothing sucks like a VAX". Many DEC sales guys hated that vacuum cleaner...

  4. Crisp Silver badge

    It just doesn't look big enough

    How are you supposed to fit it all in there?

    There's only 4" of stroke there. It doesn't seem like nearly enough.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: It just doesn't look big enough

      It's a blowjob simulator not a deepthroat simulator.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: It just doesn't look big enough

        I bet Dyson will at some point improve it..

        1. PhilBuk

          I bet Dyson will at some point improve it..

          If he does, it will make a sound similar to a VC-10 taking off. Just so the punter 'knows it's working'.

          Phil.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: I bet Dyson will at some point improve it..

            When your nads are in a cyclone it won't be the thing making a noise like a VC-10 taking off.

  5. hammarbtyp Silver badge
    Gimp

    3 sizes

    Let me guess, comes in large, huge and enormous sizes

    1. kmac499

      Re: 3 sizes

      no that's large, huge and executive (aka the biggest swinging dicks)

    2. Havin_it
      Coat

      Re: 3 sizes

      No, you're misunderstanding, it's not the device that c... never mind.

      Besides I don't see what's wrong with the range defined in Good Morning Vietnam: "Large, Medium and Caucasian".

      (Yeah that's it, the one with just one pocket, undulating slightly. Ta)

  6. JDX Gold badge

    "I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

    Ah, never miss an opportunity to make a passive-aggressive slight towards those who are under no compunction to let you use their service.

    He sounds like he should get laid.... oh wait.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

      On the plus side, it's one of those products where "it sucks" is actually a *positive* review..

    2. hj

      Re: "I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

      I think that remark was not meant to them but for the sad people who watch a sales pitch for a masturbator and then complain it contains fake(!) nudity.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Looks great. Honest

    However if its good enough it could cause all sorts of problems. Like guys not being 'in the mood' on demand! Well one can hope.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Extra funding

    Enabled them to develop a handle, but funders don't get it, suckers.

  9. Oops Notagain
    Happy

    Deeply skeptical

    I wouldn't touch it with a ten inch pole!

  10. David Roberts Silver badge
    Joke

    Personally I think this sucks.

  11. Bertie D'astard

    Hardwear that sucks!

    Do they have any stats on up times?

    It may be a good alternative to fingerprint technology for authentication, you know c(l)ock in c(l)ock out ;-)

  12. GreggS

    I'm blown away

    let's hope for all those self-gratifiers out there that despite the whole idea behind it, the product doesn't blow.

  13. Arachnoid

    What,,,,,,,,,

    No offers of consumer trials for field testing

  14. Ralph B

    Down with this sort of thing

    The human race will die out ... with a whimper, rather than a bang.

    1. Crazy Operations Guy Silver badge

      Re: Down with this sort of thing

      Not the whole human race, just the wankers. Although we'd have to find a way to keep the government from collapsing due to lack of new politicians...

    2. ian 22
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Down with this sort of thing

      More ladies for the rest of us! More than you know want actual children.

      Yeah even unto Paris.

  15. jellypappa
    Pirate

    does it swallow?

    1. Scott Broukell

      Cum on . . .

      One swallow doesn't make an Ann Summers.

  16. Ian 55

    Just get a Fleshlight

    .. and either use your own (or indeed someone else's) hand to move it, or arrange it with some pillows and hump it.

  17. Moosh
    Angel

    There's already a machine quite similar to this for sale and which is used relatively widely. Ivy something? I can't exactly go looking for it because, er, i'm at work right now, but it definitely already exists.

    I know bcause of reasons.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Ivy Biggun?

      Ivy Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts?

      Ivy-ever blowing bubbles...

      [that's enough of that! - Ed]

    2. Graham Marsden

      Prior art...

      Some years ago the Japanese produced a robotic motorised "hand" on a pole (snigger) that would move up and down in time to the actions of a young lady on a DVD that could be linked to it by USB...!

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Small, Medium, or Large?

    Um, I have no idea if I'm "small" "medium" or "large", I must not spend as much time looking at other penises (penii?) as some guys.

    1. Tim Jenkins

      Re: Small, Medium, or Large?

      Finally; a genuine use for all that Yahoo IM traffic which the NSA recorded...

      ("In one six-month period in 2008 alone, the agency collected webcam imagery – including substantial quantities of sexually explicit communications – from more than 1.8 million Yahoo user accounts globally" http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/feb/27/gchq-nsa-webcam-images-internet-yahoo)

    2. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: Small, Medium, or Large?

      IIRC, some years back a company made rubbers in three sizes. Rather unsurprisingly, sales of "Small" and "Medium" were rather slow.

      The solution adopted was to rebrand as "Jumbo", "Colossal" and "Super-Colossal"......

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Surely they are missing the point? yeah the feeling is important, but so it the fact that it is someone doing it to you.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Good point!

      I don't think anyone's thought of that before! Ok everyone, no more wanking!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Good point!

        There's a difference between thinking about it and investing in it!

        One less reason to develop social skills?

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    He said: "Our whole team is super happy to know that soon, tens of thousands of men will having more realistic masturbatory experiences."

    First off, that is a very bizarre thing to be "super happy" about.

    Second, what pray tell would be considered an unrealistic masturbatory experience?

    an industrial-strength motor "rated to last over 500 hours, or about 1500 solo experiences".

    So about 3 years worth for me now or about a month and a half for my 16 year old self.

    1. Mr Grumblefish

      Well, my masturbation experiences have always been realistic.

      I use a real hand.

  21. kmac499

    Control sequence

    Let's hope the prototype used an old CD Player membrane switch panel water?proof

    It's already got Play, A<->B<->A<->B, Replay and the all important Shuffle (five fingers)

  22. Valeyard

    Blow your damn cock off

    it connects to the mains?!

    I'd wait a few years for the inevitable .. um.. "red ring of death" fixes

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: Blow your damn cock off

      Or you could follow the link at the foot of the article: "A buyer's guide to endpoint protection platforms".

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    500 hours is 1500 uses...?

    I reckon it's more 30,000 uses at least....

  24. itzman
    Happy

    wasnt this done years ago

    ..by some bloke from Cheam?

  25. OzBob

    Battle over technology licensing here

    I believe the RealTouch device used the same technology but lost its licensing with its partner at the start of the year. This may be the partner going it alone (yeah yeah I know).

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So this guy has never been to a milking shed then?

    Milking machines had this down to an art years ago.

    Make mine a flat black coffee please.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: So this guy has never been to a milking shed then?

      Indeed, and milking bulls too.

  27. Shady

    So if there's a power cut...

    ... that would constitute a Denial Of Service attack?

  28. razorfishsl

    Yep right…….

    Just stick your todger into this mains powered device with industrial motors…….

    What could possibly go wrong…..

  29. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Joke

    I was wondering what they had been up to the last 15-20 years!

    This is a Wang Laboratories product, right?

  30. Tromos

    Join the user group social network

    www.cockbook.com

  31. Charles Manning

    Crowd sauce

    Nuff sed.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just make sure its a

    Class 2 medical transformer (ie very low leakage, triple insulated).

    Might add a bit to the cost but reduce the chances of an accident.

  33. Old but bold

    poets know

    There was a royal marine

    who invented a f..ing machine

    at the 99th stroke

    the bloody thing broke

    and smashed his balls into cream

    1. sabroni Silver badge

      Re: poets know....

      ...how to construct a limerick correctly. What you've typed doesn't scan right. How about:

      There once was a royal marine

      who invented a fucking machine

      at the 99th stroke

      the bloody thing broke

      and battered his balls to a cream.

  34. Nameless Faceless Computer User
    FAIL

    I've seen this same design sold elsewhere for far less.

    Take out a personal ad instead. It's cheaper and more rewarding in the long run.

  35. Blitheringeejit
    Mushroom

    Connect to 240V, insert penis..?

    I'll pass on that particular pleasure, thankyou. There are some areas of personal safety that I won't risk even with double insulation. (Obvious icon)

    1. PdxStan

      Re: Connect to 240V, insert penis..?

      Murphy's Law will inevitably raise it's ugly head (snicker) at some point in the future regarding this. I await seeing how newspaper editors will handle this, be it THE DAILY MAIL or THE MIRROR.

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    BSOD

    Better Sucking On Demand

    AC as my son reads these!!

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I wonder whether ....

    it can be fine-tuned for the majority of the male species who still have foreskins?

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    VR

    That + Occulus Rift.

    Just sayin'.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    But ...

    ... does it also hoover the carpet?

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