back to article Tennessee bloke cuffed for attempting to shag ATM – police

A Tennessee man earned himself an appointment with the beak last Friday night after police claimed that he'd walked into bar, dropped his trousers and tried to have his evil way with a cash machine. According to a police report quoted by the Tennessean, 49-year-old Lonnie J. Hutton entered the Murfreesboro hostelry "and walked …

COMMENTS

This topic is closed for new posts.
  1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
    Joke

    A penalty...

    ...for early withdrawal?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A penalty...

      Attempted to have sex with a table, lifted it's skirt but legged it? Sorry, I'll (drop) leaf it there.

  2. TRT Silver badge

    Did he...

    ... make a deposit?

    1. frank ly
      Coat

      Re: Did he...

      Maybe he thought it was a sperm-bank ATM.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Did he...

        Wank of America?

  3. CaSpErTbH

    http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/50026747.jpg

  4. Peter Storm

    Perhaps he misread it

    when it asked him to insert his pin...

    1. Rob Carriere

      Re: Perhaps he misread it

      At least it was in the US. Otherwise he might have expected to get chips with his pin.

  5. TRT Silver badge

    "Hey BooBoo...

    ...I say we leave this here picinic table well alone for a little while."

  6. Pypes

    Cool heads prevail?

    Much as I tend to despair of the US justice system "public intoxication" seems far more reasonable than the laundry list of sexual offences he would probably get landed with over here.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Cool heads prevail?

      Agreed. I think they went easy on him.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Cool heads prevail?

      Maybe he was related in some way to the ATM and picnic table so technically in Tennessee no sexual offence was committed.

    3. Eddy Ito Silver badge

      Re: Cool heads prevail?

      The outcome is highly variable depending on where in the US. I'm fairly certain the usual "big city" spots in NY, CA, DC, etc would all have a much longer list.

      On a perhaps related note, the bar does bill itself as "the cleanest little dive bar this side of the river" so there's no telling what happens across the creek.

    4. Dodgy Geezer Silver badge

      Re: Cool heads prevail?

      ..."public intoxication" seems far more reasonable than the laundry list of sexual offences he would probably get landed with over here...

      Depends. How old was that ATM?

  7. Longrod_von_Hugendong
    Thumb Up

    Here is hoping...

    They cleaned the ATM afterwards!!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      Re: Here is hoping...

      Given most run Windows XP it was probably rooted already…

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Here is hoping...

        "Given most run Windows XP it was probably rooted already…"

        Well, money is the rootkit of all evil.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Pint

      Re: Here is hoping...

      @Longrod - "Here is hoping... They cleaned the ATM afterwards!!"

      Apparently you haven't been in a bar in Tennessee recently.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Here is hoping...

      You hope they cleaned the ATM.

      So does that mean you'd be happy eating off the picnic table?

    4. The Man Himself Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Here is hoping...

      "They cleaned the ATM afterwards!!"

      And risk a money laundering charge?

  8. Ted Treen
    Alert

    The old adage...

    Bank screws man:- not news.

    Man screws bank:- NEWS!

  9. LoPath
    WTF?

    Crimestoppers?

    Newspaper article mentions calling Crimestoppers if you have any information regarding the case. "Hello... Crimestoppers? I've seen that picnic table hanging around the bar before. It was asking for it!"

  10. Bernard M. Orwell

    But....

    Did the police hang around in hope of seeing the Money Shot?

  11. Chris G Silver badge

    UltiMate Security

    Maybe he is on to a winner, instead of using a pin code fit DNA detectors to ATMs.

    1. Mark Eccleston

      Re: UltiMate Security

      I doubt it. His described condition in the article might make getting a coherent PIN number from him difficult, but he seems more than willing to dispense his DNA freely.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Do you see a problem?

    This is what drugs do to ya...

  13. ItsNotMe
    Happy

    Well it is completely understandable...

    ...his first cousin must have been out of town for the weekend.

  14. Andy Roid McUser

    Picnic Table

    One Word - Splinters....

  15. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

    Brings a whole new meaning to...

    ...the Hole in the Wall.

  16. sisk Silver badge

    I've heard of the love of money, but this is ridiculous.

    1. Jedit
      Angel

      "I've heard of the love of money, but this is ridiculous."

      Well, that's the thing. He may have told the ATM he loved it, but really he was only after its money.

  17. Tejekion

    That's it! I'm outta here!

    I've been wanting out of Middle Tennessee for the past year! Now I've got all the reasons in the world to go now! Seems that Middle Tennessee has become the Shatspot of the world for down right weird news. First you had a girl with a gun stuck up her arse, and now this! I am taking donations for the "Get me the he** outta Middle Tennessee right the f**k now!" fund! Just a $1 donation from all you dear reg readers, family and friends can help me live a new life....In a less shite area!

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    slippery slope perhaps

    but someone who either thinks this sort of behavior is okay - or cannot control their behavior - is probably not just having inappropriate public sexual relations, or at least not for long.

    Lawyer job security, PC and pop psychology aside, mental illnesses and compulsions most often do "evolve" and expand into worse behaviors. Self destructive, and worse.

This topic is closed for new posts.

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019