back to article Och aye! It's the Loch Ness Monster – but only Apple fanbois can see it

The Loch Ness monster presents one of the greatest mysteries of recent times. After all, who in their right mind would believe a great green beastie was lurking down at the bottom of a midge-ridden Scottish lake? Now the answer has been revealed, after it emerged Apple fanbois can use their fondleslabs or iPhones to peer at …


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  1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

    Slow News day then?

    Or are EL crying in their spilt milk about the sacking of the Man U manager?

    Ok, I'm out of here

    1. petur

      Re: Slow News day then?

      You mean "Slow Ness day"

    2. Sandpit

      Re: Slow News day then?

      "Or are EL crying in their spilt milk about the sacking of the Man U manager?"

      I didn't know they were City fans!

      1. HumptyDumpty

        Re: Slow News day then?

        If they were City fans they would want Moyes to stay, surely?

  2. Black Plague

    If you have Apple Maps, go to the north end of the Loch in satellite or hybrid view, where the water turns cloudy blue. It's just south of Lairgmore.

    And yeah, it's just a graphical ghost of a boat from merged overlapping sat photos.

  3. dogged

    People use Apple Maps? Do they enjoy magical mystery tours?

    1. Chad H.

      ...They're going to take you away?

      1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

        No, they just take a long and winding road...

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          ...I though he took the high road while I took the low road?

          1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

   Strawberry fields perchance?

  4. Christoph Silver badge

    It's very slightly different from what an image of a boat would be expected to look like. Therefore it's PROOF!!! that it's the monster!!!

    1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

      It is the monster, caught on camera just after it has swallowed the boat.

    2. xperroni
      Paris Hilton

      Now, let's not be mean to the fairy catchers

      The artifact looks like a fish; you could make out the head, body, pectoral fins and tail. It's very symmetric, and the way the different regions are graded even suggests "it" has just surfaced and is about to begin diving back. The ship's contours are comparatively easy to miss – I didn't notice it until told what to look for. All in all, if I had seen this picture devoid of any context, I'd likely say "oh, it's just a whale shark or something".

      It's only the fact we have no emotional attachment whatsoever to such fairy tales that makes it easy to dismiss the picture as an artifact of satellite imaging (don't know about you; I didn't bother checking whether satellite imaging could really generate these kinds of artifacts). But "true believers", I can totally imagine they will look at this picture and undoubtedly see the Loch Ness Monster – or the Virgin Mary, for that matter.

  5. Chemist

    As a great songwriter wrote :

    "A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest..."

    I suppose that at least was always true

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

      Re: As a great songwriter wrote :

      "I was always true"

      Were you?

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    OH MY GOD, Nessie can swallow boats whole!!!

  7. Annihilator


    Pretty sure that's a sunken Eurofighter. Or it's as likely to be that as Nessie anyway...

    1. Joefish

      Re: Eurofighter

      Looks more like some sort of giant Phyllolepid than a Plesiosaur to me...

      1. VinceH Silver badge

        Re: Eurofighter

        It's clearly a picture of a bus.

        On the moon.

  8. Evil Auditor Silver badge

    We believe in Nessie, too

    says the Inverness Tourist Board.

    1. Joefish

      Re: We believe in Nessie, too

      Yep, it's proof that there are still plenty of gullible potential tourists around, and that's all that matters.

      And just think what the sight of a long arm in a plesioaur neck will do for this crowd - when they've ably demonstrated they were happy to spluff half a grand every time they saw some nob in a turtle-neck...

  9. joeW Silver badge

    "I was a believer in Nessie even before this "

    Yeah, somehow that does not come as a massive surprise to me.

  10. Steven Raith


    Yet another thing that Apple Maps can't locate properly.

    *ducks to avoid rotten fruit*

    Yeah, sorry.

    Steven R

    (from Wick originally, so more northern scottish than anyone involved in this - unless you get your feet wet)

  11. M Gale

    I like Wolfram's answer on the subject.

    How many Loch Ness monsters are there?

  12. Irongut

    Next ye'll be tellin' us ye don't believe that haggis have one leg shorter than the other.

    1. A K Stiles

      Haggis legs

      They dinnae - they've got two legs shorter than the other two, otherwise they'd fall doon the hill!

      1. bed

        Re: Haggis legs

        And getting them to run round the hill the wrong way so that they fa doon the hill is one method of capture - the other being to creep up in the dark when they are roosting and make a noise like a precipice.

        1. A K Stiles

          Re: Haggis legs

          How's that go again? Is that the sort of whooshing noise or the one that's more of a susurrus?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Next ye'll be tellin' us ye don't believe that haggis have one leg shorter than the other."

      I still desperately want to believe that story of imported Haggis arriving in the states without proper documentation being taken out on the tarmac and shot by humane Customs Officers.

    3. Intractable Potsherd Silver badge

      When it comes to the length of haggis legs, you have to remember that, in nature, there are clockwise and anti-clockwise varieties. The former has a longer left leg, and the latter a longer right leg. The reason that haggis has come down in price, and become more available over the last few years is the breakthrough in mating clockwise and anti-clockwise to produce the lowland haggis with equal length legs, which makes them easier to farm.

  13. PNGuinn

    Its the only way to be sure ⇉ ⇉ ⇉⇉ ⇉ ⇉

    No - it's got to be TRUE. Its mebbie a wee bit fishy, but its probably one o' Alec's yes vote campaigners.

    1. It's got rounded corners.

    2. It ya look veery carfulie it's bein driven be a nae so wee haggis, AND ALL GOOD HAGGISESS HAVE ROUNDED CORNERS. (and bow leggies an rounded spurrenz)

    3. I'm sure that's a frikkin laser on its wee nose.

    Oh - it's Apple maps you say - That'll be the Thames then. It's either the latest coalition flagship policy sinking without trace or one of Master Millipede's bright ideas coming back to bite him.

  14. Jamie Jones Silver badge

    "Gary Campbell of the Official Loch Ness Monster Club."

    So how did his 'club' become official?

    Does he know Nessies agent or something?

  15. i like crisps


    ...that it is in fact the ghost of Steve Irwin and not Nessie.

  16. Ketlan

    S'obvious, innit

    It's perfectly obvious to the meanest intelligence (mine); it's Bigfoot having a swim.

  17. Stevie Silver badge


    Aiee! Fear the Loch Ness Trawler!

  18. F111F

    Vacation Plans

    I plan on taking my wife to Loch Ness this summer to see if we can find the "monster"...

  19. Stuart Halliday

    Due to the shape of the loch (you don't call them lakes laddie!) it is common to see dark standing waves on the surface long after the ferry and other leisure boats have gone past. The water is always murky as its full of peat particles and floating trees that have been blown down in storms.

    So don't get too excited yer eejits!

  20. Winkypop Silver badge

    "My first thought was that it was the monster "

    First thought!

    Methinks basic critical thinking is lacking in this monster fan.

    Clearly, it's aliens!

    A L I E N S !!!

  21. Nick 10

    It could be an 'artifact' left there by the mapping supplier in order to trace who steals their maps. There's a lot of paper maps with cartographer's follies which can be used to prove that a map was copied, such a s a non-existent bend in a road.

  22. jai

    There are no 20-metre-long catfish. There are no whale sharks in Loch Ness

    Maybe not, but maybe there is a 20-meter-long dinonsaur-descended Nessie?

  23. Euripides Pants Silver badge

    Obligatory XKCD

  24. Nick Pettefar

    I had no idea the El Reg staff were in the pay of the Illuminati.

    I will say no more. (Believe your eyes, that's all...)

    1. gazthejourno (Written by Reg staff)

      This comment has been approved by the duty lizard.

  25. Gobhicks

    Crowley Page Boleskine RAW

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