back to article BOFH: Attractive person is attractive. Um, why are your eyes bulging?

“What brings you down here then?” the PFY asks the Director after he popped through the door unannounced. “Oh, I wanted to give you a heads-up on your new manager.” “Really, has Roy left?” the PFY asks, knowing the answer only too well. “Yes. He messaged me over the break saying he wouldn’t be coming back. Something about …

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  1. Gordon 10 Silver badge
    Pint

    Yay

    First BOFH of the year and it was almost worth the wait. Slightly too subtle ending imo

    1. Mtech25
      Devil

      Re: Yay

      Got to agree it should of end with the police walking in and asking if anyone could help them with their queries regarding a recent domestic dispute and a enhanced cattle prod just outside the office. Sometimes one can unleash the crazy for good but that is rather like detonating an A bomb for the good of humanity. (best done if far, far away)

      1. Isendel Steel
        Coat

        Re: Yay

        preferably from orbit...just to be sure ?

        1. earl grey Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Yay - but if it's coming from orbit

          Who's going to ride it down?

          1. Nunyabiznes Silver badge

            Re: Yay - but if it's coming from orbit

            We'll dig up Slim Pickens.

    2. Isendel Steel

      Re: Yay

      sometimes subtle is good...and they were playing the director and waking the P.A.'s crazy for him.

      (BTW upvote added)

  2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    All questions about clothing with a partner risk waking the CRAZY. It's a situation designed to test even the most experienced of UN diplomats. In fact, they should use that as the interview test when they pick their next Middle East peace envoy.

    For goodness sake woman! I don't even know what wallpaper colour goes with which. Don't ask me what colour dress you should be wearing. When I was a kid, and was asked what colour contact lenses I wanted, I said yellow! I was 4 years old at the time, but my point still stands. I should be excused from all discussion on the matter.

    My sister-in-law genuinely asked me what colour kettle I was going to get, and whether it would match the accent colour of my curtains. She may as well have been speaking Klingon.

    1. Peter Simpson 1
      Thumb Up

      Heh. I'm exempt.

      Color blindness, often considered a disability by those who aren't married.

      // and a handy escape mechanism by those who are...

      1. Norm DePlume

        Re: Heh. I'm exempt.

        Ah! I read an article once about how colour blindness can help when detecting camouflaged animals and might have conveyed an evolutionary advantage when a small proportion of the (male) population were affected. Now I am beginning to see that there may be a whole other reason linked to increased reproductive opportunities.

    2. Jad

      Bad answers.

      "Orange" is probably the only answer that shouldn't be given, especially when "Green" is present ...

      After that, "Is the house untidy?" "do these shoes go?" "when will you stop doing that?" ... there are no good answers.

      Seriously, your sister-in-law asked about the colour of a kettle? (Reminds me of the HHGG, where they wanted to know what colour the wheel should be) ... Tell her you're a man, and you just want it to boil water.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: Bad answers.

        Not just the colour of the kettle, which is bonkers enough, but whether it went with the curtains! I wouldn't know what colour went with what anyway. Let alone care. Still at least it was easy to answer. I'm not going out with her, so no lying diplomacy required, I was simply able to state that I don't care.

        "Yes! That is exactly the point! Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally? ... OK Mr Wiseguy, if-you're-so-clever what colour do you think it should be?" etc.

        1. stucs201

          Re: I wouldn't know what colour went with what anyway

          Its really very simple:

          Black goes with everything.

          Especially more black.

          (yes, yes, technically not a colour in the strictest sense, but for these purposes...)

        2. MJI Silver badge

          Re: Bad answers.

          I can't even remember what colour our curtains are.

          I know the carpet is green, and the timber flooring is light, and the tiles are blue.

          1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

            Re: Bad answers.

            Whenever I am quizzed about which shoes/dress/blouse/[insert obscure item for which she wants approval here] I never say the first one is OK. That would be suicidal. I always carefully compare the first option with the second, internally flip a coin, and follow the simple algorithm

            if (coin.heads()){

            cout << "I prefer the second" << endl;

            } else {

            cout << "No, the first one was better after all" << endl;

            }

            So far, I survive.

        3. Rick Giles
          Coat

          Re: Bad answers.

          The best answer would have been "There are curtains?!?"

          1. Cliff

            Re: Bad answers.

            Clothes shopping. My wife is pragmatic now and we don't go together. Asking me about which of the x items is best is similar to me asking her which network topology we should use for the car. No idea, not in the least interested, and my opinion is of no constructive/considered value anyway. I once got busted for giving rote answers without even looking. There was pain, it was worth it, no longer get caught up in shopping for clothes together 'because it's what couples do'.

            Clothes are foremost about utility of course, but then I like some flourishes (although not the same ones she does). Her selection of cardigans involves ones without sleeves, buttons and I kid you not there's one without a back FFS. We live in different worlds.

            1. soreron

              Re: Bad answers.

              Most males I know shop like it was an SAS raid. Toss in the flashbang, rapid entry followed by equally rapid exit.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Bad answers.

        I was thinking 'do they want fire that can be fitted nasally'.

        same ship, different torpedo.

      3. big_D Silver badge

        Untidy

        What do you mean "Is the house untidy?" The house is always untidy, no matter how much time you've spent washing, cleaning, vacuuming etc.It is never good enough.

        That and they always come in and say you've missed a bit, while you are still working!

        They just want to unleash your Crazy.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Untidy

          There you have hit the nail on the head, a number of times I have been with women who literally just want to unleash the crazy, I think it's because they are emotional beings (well more so than men anyway) and need a good rant or something. On a number of occasions my wife has mentioned to others it annoys her when I don't argue with her.

          I just don't get the need for it, hence why I'm from Mars and she is from Venus I suppose.

      4. Alan Brown Silver badge

        Re: Bad answers.

        the correct answer is of course "Silver". (Black if you're a hipster and Copper if you have an Aga)

        All the other colours are just so much faff

    3. Ugotta B. Kiddingme Silver badge

      @ I ain't Spartacus

      "My sister-in-law genuinely asked me what colour kettle I was going to get, and whether it would match the accent colour of my curtains. She may as well have been speaking Klingon."

      No, because I could mostly understand Klingon - but otherwise agreed

  3. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Sir

    My wife unleashed her CRAZY by dropping a spoon on the floor the other day.

    And by CRAZY I mean CRAZIER of course, since there doesn't seem to be a sleep mode.

    Boring it 'aint.

    1. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: Sir

      ah so to get out of that you would need to do the "There is no spoon" routine and leave promptly via the catflap

      1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

        Re: Sir

        Brilliant, I shall have to try that once my armour comes back from the dry cleaners :D

      2. Vic

        Re: Sir

        > and leave promptly via the catflap

        Deliberately? Or otherwise ?

        Vic.

  4. PeteT70

    Good but...

    missed having a christmas one last yr!!! :-/

  5. 2460 Something

    The crazy scares me :(

  6. RonWheeler

    Enjoyed very much

    Surprised the PFY killed off the opportunity for amusement at the expense of others so quickly though.

  7. CADmonkey
    Unhappy

    Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

    WTF? Is "the crazy lives in us all" intended to take the curse off it?

    Shame, I'm usually such a fan.

    1. HollyHopDrive

      Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

      Misogyny or (large amount of) Truth......you decide.

      For example, last week I tried to help my wife out being a nice bloke and seeing she was a bit late. "I'll drop the boy off today if you can drop Hannah at the childminders" [for context, "The Boy" is a 10 minute drive each way in the wrong direction where Hannah needs dropping 200 yards down the road.]

      This woke the Crazy, and not by a gentle nudge awake but by Smashing it in the face with a wrecking ball. "Oh, easier for you is it?? Suits you to do that doesn't it" (it doesn't but usually we do it the other way around and I still don't get the logic she used to get there).

      Anyway, four times since then she's wanted to do it this way around so she can get to work quicker. And I've still not received a "I'm sorry for the over-reaction" or "you were right" or "that really helps me out"

      The case for the prosecution rests M'lud.

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      WTF?

      Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

      Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

      Good God man! You're reading the BOfH, and you ask a question like that!?!?!?!

      Even odder, given that the CRAZY is the pure distilled truth. Some people's CRAZY is well buried, and you're unlikely ever to see it. Some people can be set off at the slightest provocation. Because it's a weird emotional thing, it gets even more tangled when it comes to relationships between the sexes. As, in general at least, women and men tend to emotionally invest in different things. For example, I've had discussions with other men about what to wear to an event, concentrating on what social or professional impression you're trying to make. But they've never lasted longer than 2 minutes. And I don't know any man who's spent several months planning what they're going to wear to a wedding, or major party, having at least one conversation a day about it. And commenting on the absurdity of that much effort put into dressing for one event is a guaranteed way to wake the CRAZY.

      1. CADmonkey

        Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

        Well, thanks for clearing that up.

        What you're saying is, bitches is bitches.

        1. Rosie Davies
          Thumb Up

          Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

          Well played that monkey. You shall have bananas.

          Rosie.

          Unless that wasn't some nicely placed sarcasm, in which case you will still have bananas you just won't enjoy it at all.

          1. CADmonkey

            My bad..

            "His Crazy might be prodded awake when she asks him: 'Can we really afford that?' or the old classic, 'Wow, this is the seventh time your mother has called you today'."

            Somehow I missed this the first 2 times I dragged my eyes across it all. There's the 'vice-versa' that elevates this above cheap tired jokes about women in the workplace. *ends sarcasm*

            What is this, the '70s?

            I've had belly-laughs from the BOFH since dial-up. This wasn't at all worthy of the elitist murderous obsessives that I've come to know.

            1. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

              Re: What is this, the '70s?

              Oh no it's not. It's definitely 2014, when web 2.0 sites are filled with white-knights-without-a-cause throwing hissy fits at the slightest mention of genre-related matters (because everyone but themselves is a filthy oppressive patriarcal mysogynist pig).

              1. CADmonkey

                It's not White Knightery

                I just thought it was all a bit piss poor and ladz magz. And I'm not at work.

                The comments are however even more cringey than the article. I'm almost embaressed

                1. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

                  Re: It's not White Knightery

                  >It's not White Knightery. I just thought it was all a bit piss poor and ladz magz. And I'm not at work. The comments are however even more cringey than the article. I'm almost embaressed.

                  When you're at work, you must be in a very machistic environment to blow off steam like that during your free time. Or perhaps you liked the previous hundreds of installments in which the BOFH and PFY explored in excruciating details how to mangle, mutilate and utterly destroy, mentally and physically, all the men who get in their ways. I never thought of these as misandrist; did you?

        2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

          What you're saying is, bitches is bitches.

          Nope. What I was doing was replying in a semi-jocular fashion to a piece of comedy writing. But if you want me to be a touch more serious, then people is people. And I was quite tickled by the comic suggestion that everyone has a core of crazy in them, which it would be inadvisable to awaken. Lest ye be destroyed by floods of errupting wrath.

          The BOfH seems to hate people, not women - so it's mysanthropic rather than mysoginist. Should you feel the need to dignify it with such analysis... An equal opportunities bastard. Every other episode suggests that all men are curry-munching, beer-swilling, lecherous pornaholics. Myself I'm no big fan of curry...

    3. Corinne
      Trollface

      Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

      Waking up The Crazy in certain men can be very easy. Anything that suggests they aren't super strong physically. Anything that suggests they don't know everything there is to know about cars/trains/boats (insert vehicle of choice or all). Anything that suggests that you know more than them on any technical subject. Anything that suggests they aren't exceedingly attractive to the opposite sex even if they have a beer belly, flobbly backside, thinning hair & look about 50 when they are 30. Basically anything that touches on this type of man's enormous but fragile ego.

      1. NumptyScrub

        Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

        quote: "Waking up The Crazy in certain men can be very easy. Anything that suggests they aren't super strong physically. Anything that suggests they don't know everything there is to know about cars/trains/boats (insert vehicle of choice or all). Anything that suggests that you know more than them on any technical subject. Anything that suggests they aren't exceedingly attractive to the opposite sex even if they have a beer belly, flobbly backside, thinning hair & look about 50 when they are 30. Basically anything that touches on this type of man's enormous but fragile ego."

        Tru dat

        Plus you don't have to be female to instigate this; men who have those triggers can get set off by other men just as easily (although the misogynist ones will obviously take the implied criticism less well from females). I've had discussions over choice of turbocharger, or choice of switching gear turn heated due to particular participants disagreeing, even though their basis of disagreement was (it turned out) provably incorrect... :/

        1. Corinne

          Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

          "even though their basis of disagreement was (it turned out) provably incorrect..."

          Actually proving this type of guy incorrect is if anything MORE likely to trigger The Crazy. My favourite one was a guy who knew Everything There Is To Know About Cars who literally wouldn't talk to me for weeks (after shouting at me for a bit) when he found out I was right after a discussion about the favoured donor chassis for Davrian kit cars.

      2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

        Basically anything that touches on this type of man's enormous but fragile ego.

        Corinne,

        I was thinking about men's bizarre release of the CRAZY over football. But obviously map-reading/asking for directions is another one.

        Thinking about it: family + car journey = high probability of CRAZY criticality

        There are many subjects which are unisex-CRAZY-inducing, but a surprising number which only seem to wind up roughly half of us.

        1. Corinne

          Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

          "But obviously map-reading/asking for directions is another one"

          You forgot suggesting that they RTFM, exacerbated by when it goes wrong showing them exactly where it says in aforementioned manual where they went wrong. Must admit I tend to do that one with the prime intent of triggering The Crazy

    4. Loyal Commenter Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

      No you didn't. The word you are looking for is 'misanthropic', since the BOFH's 'skills' are directed towards all of humanity, not only those with the reproductive organs on the inside. You will note that the article gives examples of where men can trigger The Crazy in women, AND vice-versa, so if it is misogynistic, it is also misandristic. I would suggest that you take the blinkers off.

      You overreaction reminds me of a series of posts on FB (not by myself I hasten to add - I won't get involved with The Crazy if it can be avoided) between a supposed feminist I know, and others; she is always keen to complain about how badly men treat women, whilst at the same time posting pictures of 'hunks' and claiming that there is no such thing as misandry. Prejudice and intolerance have more than one face, even if some faces are overrepresented.

    5. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

      Re: Did I just read a thinly veiled mysogynistic rant or what?

      I really don't know, what did you just read?

  8. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    Nice one

    Don't make me CRAZY, you wouldn't like me when I'm CRAZY

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Heh. I'm exempt.

    Colour blindness, second only in usefulness to officially diagnosed (forces discharge medical) high tone loss; which in later life (aka a long marriage) mutates into selective deafness!

    Can't claim colour blindness when you're an aircraft electrician, unless you fancy a career change.

  10. unitron
    Linux

    What a pleasant surprise...

    ...and nice break from watching Dice ignore the user base begging them not to destroy Slashdot.

    Tux, because, well, open source or something...

  11. Lost in Cyberspace

    I've got off lightly then

    My sister in law is FIT, but I've never been challenged about it by the wife...

  12. Lost in Cyberspace
    Go

    I've got off lightly then

    My sister in law is FIT, but I've never been challenged about it by the wife...

    1. MartinBZM
      Coat

      Re: I've got off lightly then

      Errr... Not having been challenged does not mean she has forgotten or -indeed- forgiven... The CRAZY is awake, hungry and waiting to jump on you at a suitable time. And a suitable time will for instance be when you are in the pub with your mates and preferrably your manager around, THEN the CRAZY will pounce.

      Just you wait and see.

      Coat:Obvious

  13. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    too subtle ending

    So, does it mean:

    a) the printout of the website was for very interesting places to work ("hottest workplaces in the UK") so the couple chose to go there instead? Then why would there be a dispute?

    b) it's somehow sex-related ("hottest workplaces in the UK") which involved the couple? Then again, if both are on it, why would there be a dispute?

    Sorry to be such a loser, but I failed to get the ending. I will blame the fact I'm not a native English speaker, nor am I in tune with Britain's highly subtle way of expression.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: too subtle ending

      Sorry to be such a loser, but I failed to get the ending.

      The PFY was in the lift too...

      It wasn't the husbands piece of paper...

      You can go wherever you like with what might have been printed on the piece of paper titled "hottest places to work"

      1. Aleph0

        Re: too subtle ending

        I read it as the prominent "hottest place to work" was the company for which the BOFH and the PFY work.

        Assuming the circled photos were of women, the thought of the husband having ulterior motives in opting to join that company would be a fine trigger for the CRAZY...

  14. FunkyEric
    Happy

    My ex-wifes crazy

    And it only takes 1 simple 2 letter word to awaken it.

    "no"

    I take great joy in using this now I no longer have to live with the useless lazy fat bitch

  15. Hit Snooze

    Best way to awaken the CRAZY

    Is to point out the CRAZY...

    Husband: "Whoa, relax babe."

    Wife: "Don't tell me what to do, and DO NOT CALL ME BABE!"

    Husband: "Oh, is this Shark Week?"

    Wife: "<insert loud pitch yelling, death threats, etc>"

    1. Fatman Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Best way to awaken the CRAZY

      Husband: "Oh, is this Shark Week You're on the rag, again?"

      FTFY!!!

  16. stephajn

    Living with the Crazy....

    .....finally getting a bit of a respite from The Crazy after 10 years almost. Wow....this BOFH couldn't have hit it on the nose any better!

  17. Old_Polish_Proverb

    He said, She said

    I am reminded of an article by the columnist Dave Barry called "He Said; She Said" or it might have been called "Relationships" or maybe it was called ahhhh ...... Oh the game is on! No way was that a foul!

    http://web.mit.edu/adorai/www/hesaidshesaid.html

  18. Frank N. Stein

    Glad I'm not the only one dealing with "the crazy" in these women. LOL!!!

  19. OrsonX
    Paris Hilton

    PFY

    ?

    and since I must add letters, BOFH?

    1. Vic

      Re: PFY

      > ?

      PFY

      HTH, HAND, etc.

      Vic.

    2. Cliff

      Re: PFY

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bastard_Operator_From_Hell

      GTFY

  20. Herby Silver badge

    Solving "CRAZY"

    When my wife returns from the hairdressers, and asks the inevitable question that is something close to "How do you like my Hair?", the ONLY proper answer is:

    "It makes you more beautiful than you already are!"

    This solves LOTS of problems. Of course the question might take a different form, but the answer usually works in all cases.

    You're welcome!

    1. chuBb.
      Facepalm

      Re: Solving "CRAZY"

      That works, its eyebrows I struggle with, honestly cannot not see the diference, only notice an extreme lack or abundance of eyebrow...

      So of course I have already unleashed the crazy by not noticing so no amount of back peddling helps

  21. Billa Bong

    Bofh off his game?

    I've never known him to explain so much to senior management without the inevitable "rapid departure" of said manager. Is he showing a softer side in his old age?

    Kudos to not-Spartacus - for someone who knows the Crazy like you know a pint (one presumes, despite your curry confession) you seem very willing to tempt it out of others on this board.

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