back to article Haribo gummy bears implicated in 'gastric exorcism'

It's a cutesy brand of sweet marked with the tagline "kids and grown-ups love it so". But the happy world of Haribo has suddenly clouded over after tiny ursine squishy figures of the sugar-free variety reportedly caused "gastric exorcism" in dozens of Amazon reviewers. More than 100 people wrote graphic descriptions of the …

COMMENTS

This topic is closed for new posts.
  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You have

    Squeamish readers?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: You have

      GCHQ

    2. Thomas 4
      Trollface

      Re: You have

      Wait, the Reg has readers?

      Sorry, couldn't resist.

      1. Charles Manning

        Even us

        comment bots have feelings...

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What is the government doing?

    I think we should immediately get on a war footing and start carpet bombing Haribo city in Gummybear land following these uncontroversial reports about their stockpiling of these atrocious Weapons of (M)ass Destruction!.

    1. Havin_it
      Mushroom

      Re: What is the government doing?

      Uh... You do know "Haribo City" is Bonn, Germany, right?

      Not dissing the sentiment in and of itself, but I don't think we're gonna win the next one.

      ...OH GOD, is this in fact their opening salvo? (Poor choice of words)

      Get learning them words now, kids:

      "Haribo macht Kinder froh / und Erwachsene ebenso!"

  3. RISC OS

    amazon.com

    Maybe brought on by yanks poor diet? Haven't heard of this in europe or germany... and loooking at the amount of bears I can see why these people were watching the sport and not playing.

    Amazing that the bag is full to bursting with sweets... here in germany half the bag woud be air, which manufacturers claim is caused by "settling"... yanks don't seem to think they need to pack sweets in a "protective environment", why do we... that is the more important question here!

    1. Steve Brooks

      Re: amazon.com

      "here in germany half the bag woud be air, "

      You get sweets in your bags of air? In Australia finding something edible in your bag of air is a bonus only topped by actually managing to get it open without employing teeth/scissors or a plasma cutter.

      1. willi0000000

        Re: amazon.com

        here in the US, bags of air usually contain one small potato chip shard (one crisplet?). edit - and some grease and salt.

        re: how much did they eat? - well, the bag did contain 5lb.

        [but they're sugar-free so i can have all i want]

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: amazon.com

        I thought an "Aussie Bonus" would be some venomous, stinging, biting or face-hugging mutant critter in the bag (and two of your friends killing it with a shovel and a brick while it is attacking your face, while the third is filming it for youtube ;-)

    2. Irongut

      Re: amazon.com

      I guess your disappointment at opening a bag of sweets to find it is mostly air explains your lack of a sense of humour and sarcasm failure? Try reading the reviews for 3 Wolf and Moon shirt then think about the sugar free Gummi Bears reviews again.

  4. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
    Coat

    Eating Sugarless sweets causes many to 'Pass' comments...

    Ok, I know it is Monday morning but I could'nt resist.

    Coat naturally and with only natural sweetness.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Haribo.

    "More than 100 people wrote graphic descriptions of the carnage they claim was caused to them by way of their consumption of the sugarless Haribo gummy bears. The reviews were tacked on to a product page for the catering-sized bag - a bulging 5 pound (2.2kg) plastic-coated wad which contains approximately 1,080 bears"

    Didn't any of these whinging gluttons think that eating 1,080 gummy bears at a sitting might, just possibly, be considered "eating to excess"? Or don't they recognize the concept of "over-indulgence"?

    1. John 110

      Re: Haribo.

      ...but they're just so tasty...

    2. Michael Strorm

      Only requires *20* of the satanically-posessed bears, apparently

      Who said that the, er... "effect" required eating the whole bag?

      The top-listed review (by Christine E. Torok) on the Amazon page linked in the article (via "carnage") states "Not long after eating about *20* [my emphasis] of these all hell broke loose."

      I doubt 20 would be considered "eating to excess" by many people.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Haribo.

      You don't have to eat that much of this hellish sweetner to get some incredible effects.

      When I found sugar free oreos once I thought it was too good to be true - it was - I ate 5 of them - 5 small cookies, at around 9pm. Couldn't get to sleep until after 3am as I was having to explode into the toilet every few minutes.

    4. Charles Manning

      Too excess, 2x what's the difference???

      Of course eating 2x these bags at a go would be bad for you. I only ate one. I kept the other one for tomorrow.

      Seriously, packing them in catering size bags was silly. Anyone buying these is going to be of the mindset that 1 bag == one serving. 5lb of laxatives is not a good idea.

  6. foxyshadis

    Drama queens

    Or more likely, creative writing 101 trolls. Over 200 reviews in the last 48 hours, immediately after a Reddit link, and not one Amazon Verified?

    https://i.imgur.com/Ep4sEEY.jpg

    1. Haku

      Re: Drama queens

      They still have a long way to go to compete with the reviews of

      The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee

      1. Khaptain Silver badge
        Coffee/keyboard

        Re: Drama queens

        Definate thumbs up for the three wolves, I didn't know that Amazon allowed for comments like that, put a smile on my Monday morning blues face....

        Must hold back temptation to buy three howling wolves tshirt.........

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Drama queens

          I didn't know that Amazon allowed for comments like that

          A colleague used to work at Amazon, and part of his job was dealing with the user reviews. Initially the policy was to remove joke reviews, but Amazon eventually cottoned on that the good ones drove more traffic to the site so they tend to leave them be (see the reviews of Jordan and Peter Andre's CD for example, or the classic review of The Story of Ping which is quite possibly the grand daddy of funny Amazon reviews).

          1. Haku

            Re: Drama queens

            Your life is not complete without one of these:

            Box Canvas Print of Paul Ross

            1. This post has been deleted by its author

              1. cortland

                Re: Drama queens

                New, the Uranium 'Ore! A pitch blend!

          2. Ed_UK

            Re: Drama queens

            " Initially the policy was to remove joke reviews, but Amazon eventually cottoned on that the good ones drove more traffic to the site"

            May I recommend: "Penetrating Wagner's Ring"

            http://www.amazon.co.uk/Penetrating-Wagners-Ring-Capo-Paperback/dp/0306804379/

            Many of the best reviews did get purged some time ago, but it's good to see them re-emerging.

        2. James O'Shea Silver badge

          Re: Drama queens

          "I didn't know that Amazon allowed for comments like that,"

          Khaptain, m'man, you obviously lead a sheltered life. Get thee to the Amazon reviews for Sony's 84" UHD TV. Others have already pointed out the three doggies tee-shirt reviews. And you could go over to Best Buy and look up the reviews for the (drumroll, please) $1000+ (no, that is not a typo...) HDMI cable. (I'm serious, there really is a HMDI cable which costs more that $1000. But the reviews aren't... I kinda wonder how many were actually sold or if everyone just points and laughs. I do know that the local Worst Buy has some $500+ HDMI cables, and they've actually sold some.)

      2. JDX Gold badge

        Re: Drama queens

        This one is fun:

        How to avoid huge ships

        1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

          Re: Drama queens

          > How to avoid huge ships

          3 new from £182.08

          6 used from £139.98

          The fuck?

        2. This post has been deleted by its author

          1. This post has been deleted by its author

      3. 33rpm

        Re: Drama queens

        My Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee review is a verified purchase. It is everything claimed to be an d more.

      4. GitMeMyShootinIrons

        Ring of fire

        The reviews of Veet for Men on Amazon.co.uk always amuse (fake or not, they're eye-watering).

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Maybe not trolls

    My young son loves haribo gummy bears, and has been having strong stomach cramps, vomiting and diarrhea after eating about 20 of them, from a package we bought around Christmas time. I am not sure it was the sugar free version, as we put them in a box and threw away the package. But there seems to be a cause-effect connection here.

    1. Evil Auditor Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Maybe not trolls

      Cause-effect? You or your son clearly lack a scientific approach to claim cause-effect. It could just as well be rotavirus at random work. Once he is better again, you should feed him another 20 from the same box. If nothing happens, it wasn't the gummy bears. If he gets the same symptoms again, you wait until he's fine again and then feed him another 20 from a new package since the opened ones could be contaminated with something else. If he develops no symptoms, it's probably not the gummy bears. If he's sick again, wait until he's fine and repeat. A few times. Just to be sure. For the sake of science.

      1. JDX Gold badge

        Re: Maybe not trolls

        Or since it was Xmas, he could have also eaten 4Kg of Dairy Milk.

        1. TeeCee Gold badge
          Coat

          Re: Maybe not trolls

          Or even 4Kg of Chocolate Ex-lax disguised in a Dairy Milk wrapper.

          Santa can be a right bastard at times....

          1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

            Re: Maybe not trolls

            Don't forget - you are in this forum forever!

            1. MrT

              You are in this forum forever...

              ... unless your name is Eadon, in which case, load the account purger with a few of these 5kg bags, rinse and repeat ;-)

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Maybe not trolls

        Unfortunately our son was playing in the package we threw away (why do kids always prefer the box to the present?) so we can't repeat the experiment until the next child comes along. Thankfully my wife is pregnant so it should not take too long now.

  8. Shadow Systems Silver badge

    Maltitol is evil incarnate."

    "Excessive consumption may cause laxative effect in sensitive individuals."

    That warning must appear on all American products containing Maltitol for a damn good reason.

    If your body is sensitive to Maltitol then "excessive consumption" may be as little as "any at all" much less a single serving.

    And the effects can be quite gruesome, painfull, disgusting, debilitating, depressing, & amusing to anyone listening outside the lavatory door...

    Right up until the smell slaps them in the face & ignites their flesh.

    Various confectionaries in the States use it as a sugar replacement, essentially making them entirely off limits to anyone whom can't handle the effects of Maltitol.

    Haribo's products in Europe use actual sugar, & their sugar free products tend to use other ingredients than Maltitol.

    But the stuff they produce for Americans as "normal" (with sugar) uses processed sugar, & the "sugar free" uses stuff like Maltitol.

    As someone whom is unable to eat that substance, I can attest from first hand experience that it is NOT fun.

    Sitting on the toilet feeling like you're trying to pass the International Space Station through the eye of a needle is not something to wish on anyone.

    So while I don't doubt that such reactions are possible & even probable, since even a Haribo "single serving mini bag" worth of Maltitol would cause some people to feel like Mount Vesuvius were erupting out their bowels, anyone stupid enough to consume an entire "restaurant size" bag of the stuff deserves what they get.

    And I agree with the other commenter whom said that most of the reviews were probably just trolls.

    The AOL "Me Too!" crowd enjoy dogpiling on such things, even if they have to make it up to do so.

    Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go send another bag of the little shits to the WBC to show them how much I care.

    *Evil Giggle*

    1. dssf

      Re: Maltitol is evil incarnate." EEEEVULL

      This is why I eat REAL sugar. I'd rather risk cavities down the road than endure unbearable, sticky trips to the porcelain god of punishment.

      Why does the USFDA allow that sugar-sub shit here when the EU has alternatives or just uses real sugar and avoids (it seems) the problems here? Oh, I think I know why? Many chemical companies here have a smorgasbord of stuff spewing out as by-products of one process with tons of the chems on hand and no way to monetize the byproducts. So, they get it allowed into food, and we eat the shit if we don't read the labels, and line the coffers of chemical companies.

      Same with chems in toothpaste, mouthwash, or anything else that subs for sugar or adds colors, or whatever.

      Well, who knows. Maybe the stuff WON'T cause harm -- statistically, andd before something ELSE instead does us in...

      1. mmiied

        Re: Maltitol is evil incarnate." EEEEVULL

        for pepole who are diabetic most likley

        1. Sooty

          Re: Maltitol is evil incarnate." EEEEVULL

          My local tesco has an import section, it had a stupidly expensive box of Pepsi Classic, proudly displaying 'made with real sugar'... I assume whoever ordered it didn't realise that the entire shelf of 'normal' pepsi was also made with real sugar.

          It's likley cheaper to use real sugar than HFCS over here.

      2. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
        Black Helicopters

        Re: Maltitol is evil incarnate." EEEEVULL

        Many chemical companies here have a smorgasbord....

        Yeah, chill out with the black helicopters. I will grant you this for Agent Orange and Depleted Uranium, but these are wholly different levels of the Military-Congressional Complex.

        Or are they?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Maltitol is evil incarnate."

      "Haribo's products in Europe use actual sugar, & their sugar free products tend to use other ingredients than Maltitol."

      Pah! Us Europeans denied the real McCoy. I suppose that's come-uppance for us having pleasant tasting beer, chocolate and bacon.

      I'm not enamoured of the urgent visits to the trap that are described, but perhaps Haribo could isolate the stench-inducing compounds and market them in a new product as Haribo Death Bears. I'll wager that there's actually a big market for a product that can reliably and in short order produce "Breath of Satan" trumps. I had some fine paint-stripping flatus over the weekend following the opening of some ultra-mature cheddar (with added brewer's yeast), but having the right fuel in the portable and discrete format of a bag of Haribo, that would be the business. Pop a good handful down your gullet ten minutes before going into the post office, or when accompanying the missus on clothes shopping expeditions, and share the happy world of Haribo.

      You know it makes sense.

  9. Evil Auditor Silver badge
    WTF?

    coffee straw???

    I don't like this haribo stuff and couldn't give a shit (no pun intended). But what the feck is a coffee straw? Seriously, are there bucktards around drinking coffee through a straw? That's just as stupid as drinking coffee or anything for that matter through a tiny hole in a plastic lid.

    1. Kane Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: coffee straw???

      Sometimes google can be your friend! Coffee Straws.

      1. Evil Auditor Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: coffee straw???

        Kane,

        Who would have thought! Ranks rather high on my list of needless inventions.

        1. electricmonk

          Re: coffee straw???

          Check out the "Learn More" pages - apparently it was invented for Parkinson's sufferers to use. Also (judging from the testimonials) it's popular with people recovering from facial operations and the like. A bit specialist maybe, but not needless.

      2. Anomalous Cowturd
        WTF?

        Re: coffee straw???

        And only £10.74 for a pack of four. (Including P&P)

        Bargain!

        1. MeRp

          Re: coffee straw???

          That hot straw thing is not what is usually meant by a Coffee Straw; usually it refers to a "stir-straw"; a straw that is actually not meant to be used to drink with (though it is occasionally used that way), but, rather, to stir your hot beverage in order to incorporate additives into the solution; e.g. sugar and cream or non-dairy creamer. They are typically red and quite thin, often two co-joined small straws in order to increase the surface area of the side.

          Here is an example that is white, with a red stripe: http://www.webstaurantstore.com/suffixitem/48550/BX.html

    2. Piro

      Re: coffee straw???

      Yeah, I always pop the top off and drink like an adult from the cup.

      We're not 3, drinking from straws and small hole sippy cups.

      I also strongly dislike bottles that have those silly "sports" tops, where the top pops up and you have to tease the fluid out from a tiny, awkward hole.

      I always unscrew the damn top. A useless invention.

      1. Khaptain Silver badge

        Re: coffee straw???

        The idea of drinking "hot" coffee through a straw sounds absolutely painfull...

  10. Arachnoid

    Donations

    So maybe the UK government should give these away instead of millions of pounds to wealthy countrys as the small investment may be worth the sacrifice and give big returns.

  11. ardubbleyu
    Coffee/keyboard

    Oh dear...

    "Sitting on the toilet feeling like you're trying to pass the International Space Station through the eye of a needle is not something to wish on anyone"

    New keyboard please Nurse....

  12. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    So wishing I could donate a lot of these Fun Loving Gummy Bears to our local parliament and government...

    1. TeeCee Gold badge

      We're getting quite enough shit out of ours already, thanks.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ecological Danger

    That would be a greenhouse gas, right? So in the wrong hands etc these gummi bears are an ecological danger. Maybe they should be Haribo cows? You wouldn't think that candy cattle could produce methane but, well, I guess these would, indirectly. So it seems like the confectioner's art can imitate life. Or vice versa.

    Didn't Germany run it non-military trucks and cars on gas during the First World War? So maybe these Haribo bears will help alleviate any gas shortages arising from the supposedly impending exhaustion of the world's oil reserves but at the cost of an increase in other kinds of gas. Ugh.

    If the carbon tax were replaced by a methane tax, then the price of Haribo gummi bears would rise enough that no one could afford them. Problem solved! World saved!

    I'd breathe a sigh of relief but then I'd have to inhale, now wouldn't I?

    Ugh.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ecological Danger

      That would be a greenhouse gas, right? So in the wrong hands etc these gummi bears are an ecological danger

      I have a more positive outlook on life. This is what you give people who want to give up smoking, because the risk of combustion will just be too high. It's on the same level as giving people with a persistent cough a strong laxative (they wouldn't *dare* cough then).

      That is *really* alternative medicine.

      1. dssf
        Joke

        Re: Ecological Danger... Now THAT would be...

        Now THAT would be as.... sitty shituation....

        Worse than "buying the farm", scarier than being "deep-sixed", and a ghastly way to "give up the ghost", I dare say...

        After that episode, one'd feel as if one'd bought the ghost, given up the six, and deeped the farm.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This is old news - was doing the rounds before Halloween last year.

    It's a pity the reviews of the Olympic mascots for London seem to have gone.. They were extremely funny.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Don't know if this is it but entertaining anyway!

      Olympic Mascots Wenlock Policeman Figurine

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Any sugar free product if consumed in quantity will do this. As kids we used to buy a pack of sugar free mints that had warnings not to eat more than 1/4 pack at a time and quaff them to produce violent wind sessions for a laugh, and especially enjoyed the occasion when the "must go one better" type ate two whole packs and ended up in agony on the toilet for hours.

    Sorbitol, maltitol, asparane etc etc, all produce the same effects. Stevia is the new kid on the block, and while overconsumption of it doesnt appear to kick in the gastric bubble of doom, it does however make me feel a bit crap afterwards. You can induce the effects if you eat and drink the sweetners in multiple products, too much diet coke and some sugar free mints for example. Ask a diabetic how careful they have to be about that one...

    So, overconsumption of sugar free sweets cause a known side effect, and people are calling for it to be withdrawn. Its like a version of darwinism where the person doesnt die as a result.

    1. Jonathan Richards 1
      Boffin

      +1 informative

      > Any sugar free product if consumed in quantity will do this

      Up to a point, Lord Copper. To be scientific, 'quantity' needs to be, er, quantified, and 'any sugar free product' needs to be characterised.

      A quick bit of research shows that maltitol may be expected to produce intestinal symptoms in 40-60 g amounts (for adults), but my entirely untested speculation is that the type and severity of the symptoms will vary depending on the gut microorganisms which are chowing down on the maltitol. The effect is due to maltitol (and other sugar alcohols) not being absorbed in the small intestine, so they are passed through to the large intestine and colon, where the Pseudomonas sp. and allies can metabolise them, producing the noxious gases etc. If your particular internal ecosystem is tuned up for gas production from maltitol, then best stand clear of the sugar-free bears [1].

      You also mentioned stevia and 'asparane', which I guess was a typo for 'aspartame'. These are both very different to the sugar alcohols; the former is a diterpenoid derivative of a compound extracted from plant leaves, and the latter is a synthetic dipeptide compound, around which a health effects debate / conspiracy theory rages.

      [1] And better still get yourself a proper grown up snack. Gummi Bears... WTF?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      So you mean that eating green salad or a large steak which are - according to food labelling standards - "sugar free" will generate enteric distress ? Hmmmm.... Are you by any chance working for the sugar lobby?

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ah. Another Sorbitol moment

    I had my first experience with this sort of reaction as a student. I'd chomped my way through a tube of sugar free mints before the "May have a laxative effect in some persons" warning on the tube caught my eye at almost the same instant that my lower intestinal track issued me with a "Robocop warning" and I was up & sprinting for the nearest convenience.

    I have recently discovered that a certain type of pear contains the same naturally occurring chemical. The means of discovery was somewhat graphic in nature...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ah. Another Sorbitol moment

      Don't die during consumption, as it's damnation WITHOUT relief :)

      1. dssf

        Re: Ah. Another Sorbitol moment

        Relief in the end without relieve in the end... If it is THAT bad, then dying WOULD be some consolation, some relief on both ends...

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Honestly, I haven't laughed so much in ages! Those descriptions are priceless!

  18. The Man Himself Silver badge

    WBAGNFARB

    So many phrases in this article Would Be A Good Name For A Rock Band....

    Gastric exorcism

    Intestinal distress

    Death bears

    Colon-shredding rage

    etc.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: WBAGNFARB

      Some actual songs that may be appropriate here...

      From Necrophagist's Onset of Putrefaction album:

      "Intestinal Incubation", followed by "Fermented Offal Discharge"

      I could dig up some Carcass classics, but I think that's enough of that. The one with the studs and patches on it...

      :)

    2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Re: WBAGNFARB

      Ah, methinks I've found another Dave Barry fan :)

  19. Arachnoid
    Coat

    Taste

    There's no replacement for naturally formed suga.....er I'll get me coat

  20. EddieD

    Thank you, thank you...

    Monday is normally a gloomy time, but the comments on that link, genuine or not, have had me in stitches.

    When I recover, I'll try reading a few more...and maybe do a little work...or maybe not

  21. JDX Gold badge

    Breaking news

    Or not, this was doing the rounds months ago. This is a news site, not Reddit :)

    Also - I wager those suffering distress are doing so because they ate huge quantities in one go.

  22. ISYS
    Childcatcher

    Shit yourself slim

    Feed them to all the obese kids that the Daily Mirror keeps banging on about.

    For our American Cousins - The Daily Mirror is a 'news' paper that tells stupid people in the UK all the things they need to worry about (most bad things are the result of hoards of immigrants btw).

    1. TheRealRoland

      Re: Shit yourself slim

      >hoards of immigrants

      I know, isn't it annoying? they keep on collecting stuff. Gotta catch 'em all!

    2. davemcwish

      'news' paper for stupid people in the UK.....

      @ISYS Daily Mail surely ?

    3. Pookietoo
      Headmaster

      Re: Shit yourself slim

      "hordes" not "hoards"

  23. wolfetone Silver badge

    Belives in God...

    But doesn't believe "everything in moderation".

    1. mmiied

      Re: Belives in God...

      but not gummy bears!

  24. Snapshot

    Maltitol really is nasty in excess

    I've had a couple of run-ins (sorry!) with maltitol and it certainly can be unpleasant. The main one was a box of Thornton's diabetic choccies and half a dozen were enough to cause me problems. It's easy to see that a whole catering pack of bears would cause major, well-deserved, problems.

    1. Hollerith 1

      Re: Maltitol really is nasty in excess

      Thornton's are especially bad, but I have found three a day is the maximum of any confectionery made of maltitol. I am diabetic and these sweets (not Haribo -- my favourite is the Leonidas no-added-sugar range--a class act) are an occasional pleasure. But one choccie or sweet is enough. You cannot use them as a one-for-one replacement. They have to be consumed cautiously. But many people (including me) became diabetic because they thought they could chow down on a bag of sweets with impunity. Maltitol's properties help remind us that over-consumption of ANYthing is a bad idea. I binged on sugarly confectionery and eventually got diabetes; if I binge on Maltitol-based sweets, I am punished immediately. I have learned self-restraint...

  25. kmac499

    Where to eat

    Well obviously in the woods with all the other bears...

    Plus keep a friendly rabbit nearby cos' as the joke goes shit does stick to rabbit fur..

    Plus I suspect like most artificial sweeteners this stuff is toxic to dogs..

  26. Martijn Otto
    Thumb Up

    Typical

    People don't read the instructions, same thing happened to veet:

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/RMSBINADT0S6S/ref=cm_cr_pr_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B000KKNQBK&linkCode=&nodeID=&tag=

    1. wolfetone Silver badge

      Re: Typical

      You have to wonder what surprise was in store for his partner if he de-haired his chocolate starfish....

    2. Anomalous Cowturd
      Happy

      Re: Typical

      That made me cry...

      I am very happy.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    RTFM

    I failed to this only once with a sugar-free product, as a youth.

    I was at that point still terrified of strange toilets. So I held onto the effects of a roll of sugarless mints until getting home, whereupon I let go which such force it was almost spiritual.

    I still don't think I've reached that same, zen level of emptiness, ever since. I came close after Christmas, with a shatting bug that cleanly took 6 - 7 pounds off of me. But nothing that really rivalled the exhilarating release of Sorbitol overdose.

    Meh. They can't complain, these pooey hordes. Says on the tin, innit?

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Hotol lives!

      A homegrown single-stage-to-orbit project.

    2. dssf
      Joke

      Re: RTFM.... Ahhhhh, you eggs-spearienced...

      Ahhhhh, you eggs-spearienced... RTFM... ReLAX The Flow Moderately....

      Nerve-ahhhh-nnnaaa Endl-lightenment... Spear-ritual detachment.

      I suspect, tho, that despite the lables, there are some who like being abused, and this will cause severe ab- use of thre abs.

      Is Malitol one of those incarnations of "Stir end to the Ab-Byss and the Ab-byss STIRS end to you" shituations?

  28. Frankee Llonnygog

    There goes my plan

    to hold a World Gummi-Bear Eating Championship. In the final round, the contestants would eat just one - but life-size.

  29. NomNomNom

    So I am eating my lunch while reading these crazy Amazon reviews. This is hilarious.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Kids and grown ups love it so...

    ...the crappy world of haribo.

  31. Thomas 4

    I ate the Haribo two by two, (Hurrah, hurrah)

    I quickly needed to take a poo, (Hurrah, hurrah)

    I ate the Harbio by two by two,

    An ungodly smell then filled the loo,

    They exploded out of my ass

    And promptly went down the drain..,

  32. Idocrase

    Thorntons diabetic toffees are a favourite for this too. I've had stomach bugs that have caused less of a laxative effect than half a 50g bag of diabetic toffees.

  33. darklord

    this has been known for sugar free for a long time

    My diabetic consultant basically told me anything sugar free is a laxative as the substance used instead of sugar will give you the sqits including stuff marked for diabetics.

    So its not new the answer is eat a little instead of great handfulls at a time. just imagine eating a handful of EX lax each time.

  34. pete 22
    Coffee/keyboard

    My all-time favorite...

    My all-time favorite... this so makes my day that I printed it out and tacked it up an the wall over my desk...

    "8,639 of 8,927 people found the following review helpful

    Ideal Gift For Your Congressional Representatives

    By DeleriouslyHappyTaxPayer on October 3, 2013

    The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you are buying something over the internet that is exactley what you are searching for.

    I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.

    45 Comments Was this review helpful to you? Yes No "

    It will be days before I stop laughing, I may try the same thing... I see that Amazon staff are helping another serious inquiry on a similar mission... ElReg may have some Congressional news shortly.

  35. David Schmidt
    IT Angle

    Social Bites Back

    I followed the link to Amazon. I laughed. I laughed so hard I cried as only a man can do when confronted with stories of explosive diarrhea. What's the IT angle? Seems to me that in this age of "social media," woe is he who has a product that a creative writer looks upon with disfavour.

  36. Simulacra75

    My favourite review, personally.

    http://www.amazon.com/review/R2X2TB3S4O5I60

  37. HippyFreetard

    We live underground now...

    I washed these Gummies down with a gallon of Tuscan milk while driving home from work (The stuff was propped up on a proper steering wheel desk, so no moaning about safety!) When I got through the door the trouble started. I was on my iPotty for literally hours, with no internet connection, so I couldn't email for help. I grabbed a pen to write a note I could throw out of the window, but tragically it was a Bic Her, and my "masculinity" shriveled before my eyes (since then, I have found a Rubber Testicular Exam Model that makes an excellent substitute). Leaning over as much as I could (god I wish that thing had wheels), I thought I could hook a nearby microphone up to my PC to Skype for help. Alas, the audio cable was of such an unnaturally high quality that the EM waves travelled faster than light, hurling me aeons into the past. My Three-Wolf-Moon shirt was too much for the primitive peoples I encountered, and terrible wars of jealousy ensued. Now we live in caves, with nothing but whole skinned rabbits to eat. I'm not sure this message will get through...

  38. Long John Brass Silver badge

    Doctor Who

    Explains why he was giving everyone "Jelly babies"

    He truly was/is/will be an evil bastard :)

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    well if these are bad...

    Don't try a litre of delicious home pressed pear juice after a week on post op Tramadol and morphine.

    It was to be sure a battle of Titans, but the pear juice won.

    And it nearly tore the stitches out :)

  40. Infernoz Bronze badge
    Coat

    Class

    The Amazon comments are really quite LOL hilarious; it is a gift which keeps giving; I doubt I'll read them all.

    Manitol happens to be a Sugar Alcohol (Polyol) used to flush bad bacteria out of diseased cattle; so the extra mass which people dropped was probably most of the digestive flora losing grip on the intestines and just falling out; that and any digesting food is a lot of mass to loose in one go, probably much larger than a normal deposit! A number of Polyols can do this flushing to varying degrees e.g. Xylitol is useful because it stops bacteria sticking to a surface and is hard to digest, which is why it is in some nasal and dental products; this is why you see warnings on most products containing Polyols.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      WTF?

      Who you gonna call? Arsebusters!

      so the extra mass which people dropped was probably most of the digestive flora losing grip on the intestines and just falling out

      This does NOT evoke nice images.

  41. Tyrion

    All sugar alcohols have that effect. I've felt the full force of it after being an absolute pig on a bag of sweets I bought, only to realise later that fine print on the bag warned of laxative effect, a gross understatement by the way. Safe to say I always read the labels now!

    On the plus side, if you have constipation, this stuff will sort you right out :D

  42. cortland

    And now it's official

    "A placebo controlled, double-blind study on health volunteers showed that consuming levels as low as 40 g of maltitol daily would trigger side effects of abdominal pain."

    http://www.livestrong.com/article/250589-negative-side-effects-of-maltitol/

    FWIW, it looks like that could be as few as three or four pieces.

  43. Feival

    Veet for men

    Reminds me of the legendary Veet for Men reviews on Amazon UK. Classic.

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

  44. Midnight

    In other news

    The song "Hot Shot City" is particularly good.

This topic is closed for new posts.

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019