back to article OMG, Andrex KILLED the PUPPY! Not quilty, exclaim bog roll boys

The British bog roll brand Andrex has been forced to deny rumours that it is planning to kill off the iconic Labrador puppy mascot. Toilet paper lovers on its mailing list reacted furiously after receiving an email which appeared to suggest the puppy was going to be flushed from promotional material. They took to Andrex's …

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  1. Awil Onmearse

    Online toilet paper lovers?

    You live and learn.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

      Tescos own brand is good enough for my ar*se and over a £1 cheaper.

      1. Code Monkey

        Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

        Anything that doesn't feel like tracing paper/sandpaper and your finger doesn't go through will do for me.

        1. Piro

          Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

          That's it.

          You're about to wipe fæces on it and flush it down the crapper, anyway. Who cares if it has quilted images of angels or is twenty different colours, or lights up and plays a song.

          You're dead on with the tracing paper thing, though. I remember at primary school, probably the worst bog roll in the world - felt exactly like that - greaseproof paper, tracing paper - hard and crinkly, 0% absorbency, massively arse pain inducing. Terrible to use and terrible at its job. Probably usable as some kind of mental and physical torture on an enemy.

          Edit: think I've found it. Izal, perhaps.

          1. Tromos

            Re: Online toilet paper lovers? @Piro

            That's the stuff - Izal medicated. They also invented the method of strengthening paper by perforating it such that it will only tear elsewhere.

            1. VinceH Silver badge
              Trollface

              Re: Online toilet paper lovers? @Piro

              "They also invented the method of strengthening paper by perforating it such that it will only tear elsewhere."

              On reading that, my immediate thought was "Now, how can Apple work that into a patent 'on a mobile device' ?"

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Izal

              I remember the boxed version, dispensing just one tiny sheet at a time. I remember the way it wiped nothing, but just slid, spreading the crap everywhere.

              It was sheeeet.

          2. Hollerith 1

            Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

            When I first came to the UK in the 1970s was confronted with Izal in B&Bs and on trains and I instantly understood so much about English culture right then and there. The country that would devise and promulgate this stuff (often with little messages on each non-absorbent square to not please what your hands -- you betcha) is the natural home for stoic discomfort-lovers who could take on an empire, because they didn't mind dying like flies to do so, but also home for a 'any sub-standard dreck is good enough for you lot' mentality, which we see all around us today (BT, Southern Trains, TalkTalk, I'm talking about you).

          3. Colin Brett

            Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

            You're dead on with the tracing paper thing ...

            I remember some grafitti on a toilet cubicle wall at Newcastle Poly. Went something like

            "I've been at this place for three f***cking years and only now do they start using bog roll that's worth nicking!"

            Colin

          4. Spoobistle

            Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

            >You're dead on with the tracing paper thing, though.

            The secret is to crumple it up a bit before use. Not too much, or then your finger *will* go through!

            We had some stuff at school called "Bronco". I think this was the value version of Izal. I later found out that bronco is Spanish for rough...

          5. MJI Silver badge

            Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

            We actually took some into class and used it as tracing paper.

            Crap stuff and a good idea to have a few tissues in your pocket.

            1. NoOnions
              Headmaster

              Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

              Same here. Ran out of tracing paper in a maths class at junior school and the teacher got us to go get some of that toilet paper to use.

              To use as bog roll you had to scrunch it up first or it was useless!

          6. King Jack Silver badge
            Childcatcher

            Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

            In my school I remember being sent to the toilets to gather some for use as tracing paper, when we run out of the real stuff. In today's world using that stuff on your arse would be considered child abuse as it hurt real bad.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

        Tescos own brand is good enough for my ar*se and over a £1 cheaper.

        Tesco's own brand? I wouldn't wipe .. oh, wait ...

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

        "Tescos own brand is good enough for my ar*se and over a £1 cheaper."

        Well good for you. I bet you also think tap water is better than bottled mineral water.

        1. Graham Marsden
          Facepalm

          Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

          @AC If you're gullible enough to believe that bottled mineral water is "better" than tap water, I've got a great deal for you on Nelson's Column...

        2. karakalWitchOfTheWest

          Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

          Tap water IS better than bottled water. At least in civilized countries like Austria....

          1. Crazy Operations Guy

            Re: Tap water IS better than bottled water. At least in civilized countries like Austria....

            I live in the Pacific Northwest where a lot of bottle water companies have set up factories, and I hate to break it to you, but bottled water *IS* tap-water.

            1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

              Re: Tap water IS better than bottled water. At least in civilized countries like Austria....

              but bottled water *IS* tap-water.

              Only in the USA. In most, if not all, European countries bottled water is almost always spring water. There are a few companies selling the Dasani/Deja Blue type of purified tap water in bottles, but it is very much the exception.

              Coke didn't realise that when they introduced Dasani in the UK a few years back. Not only were they ridiculed in the press for selling tap water at 3000x the price Thames Water charged for the same stuff, but a batch was found to contain higher-than-permitted levels of a carcinogen, leading one tabloid to run the headline "Coke withdraws cancer water"

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

            Tap water better than bottled water? Obviously you don't live here in Adelaide

        3. MJI Silver badge

          Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

          Well tap water is fine, I only used bottled water because the water at work tastes horrible and I use bottled tap water!

        4. fixit_f

          Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

          I bought the very cheap end of supermarket own brand recently - big mistake, actually threw most of it away in the end it was so weak. I will never express any desire to "get in touch with my inner self" again.

          1. MJI Silver badge

            Re: Online toilet paper lovers? (fixit_f)

            You are not supposed to keep it!

            I always throw away toilet paper, I am not going to reuse it. It goes in the loo and gets flushed away.

      4. MJI Silver badge

        Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

        Tesco 12 for £6.50 I THINK me get.

        Don't like the cheap stuff, nor the tracing paper

        1. Isendel Steel

          Balance

          ASDA (Shades) £8.00 for 24 rolls, slightly softer than Tesco...

          ..still can't make packed lunches with them though.

  2. Ken Y-N
    Stop

    That reminds me...

    A FaecesBook puppy-fancier commented "I've not used it before but the thought of wiping up with paper covered in butter is a bit off-putting, yet intriguing."

    The recollection of stories and rumours from my youth about "butter dogs" (I don't recommend Googling it) popped up on reading that...

    1. Yet Another Commentard

      Re: That reminds me...

      For me it made me wonder if it was Andrex - Last Tango in Paris edition or something.

  3. frank ly Silver badge

    Just wondering

    I know puppy fur is particularly soft and I'm wondering if it's suitably absorbent. I've wondered about that ever since I saw Father Jack wipe his nose on a puppy.

    1. A Non e-mouse Silver badge

      Re: Just wondering

      Well someone claims that a swan's neck makes the best bog paper..

      www.comedy.co.uk/guide/tv/qi/episodes/7/2/

      1. Blofeld's Cat
        Holmes

        Re: Just wondering

        Sir Thomas Urquhart recommended in 1653 "the neck of a goose, that is well downed".

        Safety hint: If you are planning to use the neck of either a goose or a swan, it is essential to remove it from the bird first.

        1. Marvin the Martian

          Re: Goose or swan

          Stick to goose; swan is illegal in the UK, them belonging to the queen and all that.

      2. Dr Dre

        Re: Just wondering

        fumaga.com/6311

        Official NHS issue work bog roll.

        1. ravenviz Silver badge

          Re: Just wondering

          @Dr Dre: © Viz Comic

    2. Mister_C

      Re: Just wondering

      Don't forget that bears find rabbit fur very effective, according to the old joke.

      And now, thanks to John Lewis, we know that the rabbit gets its revenge by planting an alarm clock in the bear's hibernation den...

  4. ElNumbre
    Stop

    Priorities

    Its not the iconography of the puppies that worries me, its the increasing size of the cardboard inner which riles me; the rolls look the same from the outside, but you get less for your money. Bar stewards.

    1. Irony Deficient

      cross-cultural comparisons

      ElNumbre, what is the standard diameter of a cardboard insert there, and what diameter are the farghin’ bastadges now trying to foist upon an unsuspecting public?

  5. David Glasgow

    Mere tissue of a story

    How do you do it, el Reg? I read it, and enjoyed shaking my head at various points.

    And yet...... this 'story' ..... if it merits the term, is concocted around a thing that a few strange people thought was going to happen, but it wasn't. To most of us, it wasn't even a very important thing, and one of the head shakes came as a result of learning the thoughts of some to whom it was apparently very important. Or would have been, if it had been going to happen.

    The headline promised dead puppies. Or at least one, threatened, or bumped off by a heartless corporation. To demand my pound of puppy flesh would be very, very wrong. Yet, surely there has to be some correspondence between the headline and the facts of the case?

    And another thing. Am I alone in suspecting the whole thing is a marketing ploy? Designed to get the playgrounds of England abuzz , like it was when we all had to work so hard to save Tony the Tiger. Or was it the tiger in our tanks? I can't bloody remember.

    So some arsehole runs software which harvests all the mentions of puppies and toilet paper on the interweb post 'story', converts that into an advertising value, generates a report which goes to an executive, who smiles.

    Our only weapon is to make sure we wipe our arses on something else, and I resent having to take time to think about that.

    1. Cliff

      Re: Mere tissue of a story

      ... then your finger went through.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Mere tissue of a story

      Not only was it not a story, it had nothing whatever to do with IT except that most IT people take dumps. If that's the criterion for a story now, the Reg has lost its way a bit.

      1. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

        Re: Mere tissue of a story

        Looking at the staff writers remaining, then I think that your last statement is probably true.

      2. Trooper_ID

        Re: Mere tissue of a story

        most take dumps? er, what do the others do then?

        1. Cpt Blue Bear

          Re: Mere tissue of a story

          "most take dumps? er, what do the others do then?"

          They are in management.

      3. Ken Hagan Gold badge

        Re: Mere tissue of a story

        "Not only was it not a story, it had nothing whatever to do with IT except that most IT people take dumps. If that's the criterion for a story now, the Reg has lost its way a bit."

        Lost its way? Certainly. Back in the day you'd have had the Moderatrix explaining the meaning of the word "Bootnotes" with a verbal clue-by-four and the rest of us laughing and ducking for cover.

    3. VinceH Silver badge

      Re: Mere tissue of a story

      "The headline promised dead puppies. Or at least one, threatened, or bumped off by a heartless corporation."

      What we need is for someone to do the decent thing...

      ...and make a spoof Andrex advert, in which said Puppy is bounding around, and follows an unraveled loo-roll back to its source. That source, of course, is the roll on the wall next to the loo.

      The puppy jumps up onto the seat to get at the roll but, being a cute ickle puppy-wuppy who can't actually see over the rim, doesn't realise there's a big hole there designed for human arses to hang above, and it falls into the loo, where it then drowns.

      If the flush can be pulled while the puppy drowns, without it being utterly implausible, bonus points are available.

      Note: No cute ickle puppy-wuppies must be harmed in the making of this spoof advert.

  6. PleebSmash
    Trollface

    I'll shit on your beloved brand.

  7. Mint Sauce
    Trollface

    Nobody complained...

    ... when their G+ page changed weeks ago though.

    1. lglethal Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Nobody complained...

      Is that a surprise? No one actually uses G+ after all...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Nobody complained...

        Only for talking about Ingress.

  8. Khaptain Silver badge

    PETA

    Where is PETA when you need them....

    Puppy Eradication Troubles Arseholes

  9. Lunatik
    Mushroom

    NOT NEWS

    Marketing dept. invents scandal, generously astroturfed 'outrage' ensues, press release on the wire within hours.

    I expect better from El Reg.

    1. DiViDeD Silver badge

      Re: NOT NEWS

      "I expect better from El Reg."

      You're new around here, aren't you?

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Am I the only person who still buys toilet paper?

    Just pick up a roll when you need it, from work or school or wherever you spend a large portion of your time.

    1. SuperTim

      Re: Am I the only person who still buys toilet paper?

      No can do here in my building. It's all in those big plastic anti-pilfer dispensing systems. Also, it is cheap and non-absorbent. I do try to ablute in work, as I am being paid for it, but security would get suspicious if I tried going home with a massive roll of tracing paper.

      I did live in a shared house with a bloke who made a point of never buying bog-roll. Not sure what was so embarrassing to him about it but I ended up having to keep my own stash so he wouldn't nick it. He was a short-arms, Long pockets type who was first out the taxi, last to the bar...

      1. lawndart

        Re: Am I the only person who still buys toilet paper?

        Sounds like you are provided with John Wayne toilet paper at work.

        It's rough, it's tough, and it don't take shit off nobody.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Upsetting Andrex users is not such a bad thing, for Andrex

    Surely it makes sense to upset Andrex users, how about a limited edition 'ruby red' Run Over Puppy version of Andrex, with the disclaimer that no dogs were harmed in the making of this packaging. I told my daughter they were getting rid of the Andrex dog and she burst into tears at the thought, and what did I give her? Andrex.

    Can you run over a dog in Grand Theft Auto?, as there is the perfect marketing opportunity for Andrex, dog crossed road, with reel of bog roll in tow.

  12. TitterYeNot
    Paris Hilton

    Tangoed

    "Is your Shea butter Toilet paper safe to use and passed the necessary health and safety checks?" another asked. "I've not used it before but the thought of wiping up with paper covered in butter is a bit off-putting, yet intriguing."

    I'm betting they haven't seen 'Last Tango in Paris"...

  13. Gordon Pryra

    bye bye Puppy

    Add speak "The puppy is here to stay."

    Reality "The Puppy is gone"

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: bye bye Puppy

      It's the old 'panta rhei' paradox again -- you can never cross the same river twice, as it has flown away in the meantime. Basically, these consumers must get to understand puppies don't remain puppies. Either Andrex has been doing something very unnatural to the display puppy for years and now time has caught up with it and it looks like an unholy cross between a nazgul, alien and vampire.

      Or Andrex has always been using the one puppy after another, and turning their predecessors into puppy-soft rolls. So they can only display excess puppies, and with growing demand in China there's just not enough lab puppies around for display purposes; any they can get their hands on go immediately to production.

      I hear it's where Cruella DeVille works nowadays.

  14. Kevin Johnston Silver badge

    Not as worrying as...

    when I was doing an installation job at a hospital. All their toilet paper was 'Professional Toilet Paper'. None of your amateur arse-wiping there then...

    To say nothing of the recycled toilet paper you can buy....no no no no no....brainfloss please

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Michael Dunn

      Re: Not as worrying as... @ Kevin Johnston

      I recall that when I was in the army, each sheet had "WD Property" printed next to the perforations. That was fairly nclose to the Izal standard, as well.

      There was also a requirement that one had to have two sheets in one's fully packed 'small pack' at all times.

  15. S4qFBxkFFg

    "a lighting rod for people who are overly preoccupied with their posterior"

    This brings to mind someone possessing buttocks so gargantuan that in order to observe the relevant area, they do not just require your normal everyday bathroom lights or torch - no: they require a lighting rod, presumably in conjunction with one of those mirrors on a stick you can check the underside of a chassis for suspicious, potentially explosive items (and also can be used to look for bombs under cars).

  16. Greg D

    Clear proof....

    That most people on the Internet are insane, and will argue about anything as if they are experts.

    Why would you care what a company uses to market its goods?

    1. Sir Sham Cad

      Re: Clear proof....

      These are people who have enough time on their hands that they sign up for a newsletter about bog roll. They are that desperate for something to express an opinion about.

      These people also have the vote.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Clear proof....

      "Why would you care what a company uses to market its goods?"

      That would be the same people who actually think a reasonable question on a consumer survey form is:

      How much do you love brand X

      (answer 1-5 where 1 is "Lots" and 5 is "Please have babies with me"

  17. Amorous Cowherder
    Happy

    A claim to fame!

    There was one Andrex ad where they had lots of puppies running around. My Mum was a Labrador fanatic and bought one of the puppies that was in that ad, cost a bomb. Had some stupid name like Lucinda-Tresesse Malsmith some such nonsense, my Mum renamed her Chloe! My Mum died around 2005 but Chloe lived to about 14, she developed severe arthritis and died last year.

  18. johnwerneken

    That's ONE CUTE PUPPY

    Did not know what an Andrex or a bog roll was. Now I do, ty.

  19. CH in CT20

    Izal isn't the worst...

    http://wiadomosci.gazeta.pl/kraj/1,34309,2900099.html

    I had the misfortune to use some of this stuff many years ago. It's light grey and astonishingly abrasive - sandpaper doesn't have anything on it. I keep a roll in the bathroom cabinet in case of unwelcome guests...

    1. Intractable Potsherd

      Re: Izal isn't the worst...

      I've used it - it is like that cheap paper kids used to have for drawing on (fibres visible to the eye) with a dimpled surface. I believe it was a by-product of experimental rapid runway-laying techniques. It requires much fortitude to build up the courage to use it, and few can wipe without whining a little and shedding a tear or two.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I personally use the Daily Mail.

    Soft, strong and thoroughly absorbant.

    It's the only thing it's really good for.

    1. Gordon 10 Silver badge
      WTF?

      Downvoter hang your head in shame.

  21. earl grey Silver badge
    Joke

    And yet I'm surprised

    No one has mentioned the trekkie angle...

    Yes, Klinons.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: And yet I'm surprised

      That would have been the dogs danglies of a line if you'd managed to spell Klingons correctly

  22. Gav

    You have mail

    A mailing list? For a toilet paper? What do they say on it?

    It's comforting, I think, that the internet can still leave me speechless.

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: You have mail

      You have to print it out before you can use it ;)

  23. Dan Paul

    Federal Toilet Paper Regulations

    FWIW, my mom used to work for the US Army Corp of Engineers as ships quatermaster and later as a buyer onshore.

    She once brought home a 200 page specification from the US Government for toilet paper that got into great detail on the number and size of wood splinters, bug parts and rat hairs that could be "allowed" in Federally Approved Toilet Paper. This is the absolute truth. It also got into detail on the amount of "grit" that the paper could contain. Now that is truly disturbing!

    Needless to say, when she worked on board ship, she was directed by the crew to buy commercial toilet paper not the US Government Issue Tissue.

    BTW Earl Grey, that's "Klingon's" although I assume that "Izla" paper is suitable for them. (Sure that's noy "Rizla" )

    1. Mike Richards Silver badge

      Re: Federal Toilet Paper Regulations

      'Issue Tissue' - awesome.

      God only knows what damage bureaucrats who set minimum splinter levels in toilet paper could do if they were let loose on important stuff.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Federal Toilet Paper Regulations

      Sounds like woodchip wallpaper to me...

    3. Cpt Blue Bear

      Re: Federal Toilet Paper Regulations

      There is a reason* for those ridiculous specification documents. Its a bureaucracy's attempt to stop the contractor, having agreed to supply the best available, shipping whatever rubbish he has lying around or can source the cheapest. As with most bureaucratic solutions, it doesn't work well because it attempts to address the result rather than the cause of the problem (that the suppliers are fundamentally crooked). In a bureaucracy decisions and thus blame are collectivised to protect the otherwise unemployable. They cannot simply inspect what is offered and refuse it as not up to standard because someone would have to take responsibility.

      The fact that they still get a rubbish product at an inflated price shows how well it works.

      In this particular case, the specification document, assuming it is on letter sized paper, if torn into squares, and hung on a name could provide around 2 and a half man years worth of what it describes.

      * Please note that I didn't say it was good reason.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You're holding it wrong

    ... If your finger goes through.

    Or, if you spend more time cleaning your fingernails than your arse, you've been too cheap with your choice of bog roll.

    1. Gordon 10 Silver badge

      Re: You're holding it wrong

      Im reminded of the British army approved method of using your 3 allotted squares whilst on maneouvers.

      Fold 1 square into quarters, tear off inner point, open square, place finger through resulting hole, wipe, use torn corner to clean finger nail......

  25. Mark 85 Silver badge

    Much ado about s**t. I'm wondering how loud the outcry and sobbing will be when Grumpy Cat dies. Ah.. life on the internet and FB. And my friends wonder why I don't have an account.

  26. Euripides Pants Silver badge

    I'm shocked

    I thought this sort of lunacy could exist _only_ in the US.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Toilet Paper? Disgusting!

    And one of the things I hate about visiting countries where it is the usual way of cleaning the backside.

    My Indian wife can work wonders with a small jug, even in a Western toilet, as long as there is a tap, but I am completely dependent on those wonderful sprays. Cleaner, fresher, and no having to buy loo roll, puppy or not, pound cheaper or not.

    Chuck the roll! The spray's the way!

    1. MJI Silver badge

      How do you wipe away the mess?

      I can't see how you can moanouver to wash your bum.

      Hand stand?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: How do you wipe away the mess?

        Imagine a miniature showerhead on a flexible tube. It's hung on the wall by the toilet.

        You can come at the mess from front or back, as you please.

        Of course, you do get left a bit wet, which is a lot less noticeable in this climate, but still... Toilet paper? Yuck!

        1. Lexxy

          Re: How do you wipe away the mess?

          I agree Thad, where I'm from, we use the three seashells.

  28. Amiga500

    Puppy wipe

    I did try to wipe with a puppy, but that cute little bundle of fur is now a snarling rottweiler, and it's going nowhere near my posterior

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Puppy wipe

      I did try to wipe with a puppy, but that cute little bundle of fur is now a snarling rottweiler

      After one wipe? What on earth have you been eating?

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Pfffft. They don't even know how to use the seashells. Heathens.

  30. Alan Brown Silver badge

    Truth in advertising

    The picture of the doggy is because Andrex is made from ground up puppies. (And you really don't want to know what's in jars of baby food)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Truth in advertising

      you really don't want to know what's in jars of baby food

      My father used to work for a company that sold baby food. They tried to expand their export market, but couldn't understand why baby food just didn't sell in african countries, where other preserved products sold well.

      Their researchers eventually realised that the mothers in those countries were usually illiterate, and bought based on the pictures on the labels. Tins with pictures of pineapples contained pineapple, so jars with pictures of babies ... weren't going to sell well.

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