back to article Sick to death of Xmas? Try these explosive gift ideas

It's that time of year again when whining children and relentless TV advertising attempt to persuade honest, hard-working folk to empty their wallets, hammer their credits cards and reduce themselves to penury in a glorious Yule orgy of unfettered capitalism. Ah, Christmas - a pagan festival hijacked by bible-bashers and now …

COMMENTS

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  1. Ian Emery Silver badge

    knock off??

    Isnt DV a Russian knock-off of the Pan Galactic Gargleblaster??

    Once described and like being hit by a slice of lemon - wrapped in a large gold brick.

    1. hamcheeseandonion
      Mushroom

      Re: knock off??

      Was at Stirling Uni back in the late 70s, and our local in Bridge of Allan, The Westerton Arms, had a House Special - the Cobalt Bomb - a similar effect to the PGG if imbibed more than once an evening.

      .Ingredients, to be poured into a quart (2 pint) glass if available:

      1 x Bottle of Fowlers Wee Heavy @ 7.5% ABV

      1 x Bottle of Carlsberg Special Brew @ 9.0% ABV

      Pour in ordinary Heavy until 3 inches from the top - say 4% ABV

      Top up to the brim with Cider - say 4% ABV

      NB: can be turned in to a Neutron Bomb with the addition of a measure of Vodka - 37.5% ABV

      DO NOT STIR - as this spoils the effect, but to be honest after the first half pint?...you won't notice.

      Sadly gone as a House Special, and possibly banned under the Chemical Weapons Convention.

      Obvious icon

  2. Peter2 Silver badge

    unsymmetrical dimethylhydrazine (UDMH) and nitric acid.

    Rocket fuel?! Yeah, that'd do for anybody you don't like. And you. I seem to recall that the stuff dissolves glass and explodes when mixed (self igniting). What you don't mention is where you can get the stuff from?!

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      It's via a "specialist import" company.

      1. Thomas 4

        Serve them False Morel mushrooms with the turkey and make sure they're a little underdone. Forms a similar fuel when they react with stomach acid. Just make sure they're not smokers.

      2. Mike Richards Silver badge

        Are they the same ones offering the all-you-can-eat polonium buffet?

    2. auburnman
      Trollface

      Just Google where to get it. You could win an all expenses paid trip to one of the NSA's splendid facilities in Sunny South America!

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You could get them

    A Samsung Galaxy Gear Smart Watch !!!!!

    Disappointment for all the family :D

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sex toys for "just call me Dave"

    Tax payers money should be used to send The Stadium of Dreams to David Cameron, the prudish pratt might loosen up a bit after seeing what he's missing.

  5. Cliff

    And still more enlightening than 'Christmas Markets'

    I mean, who the fuck wears or wants a wooden tie?

    1. TheVogon Silver badge

      Re: And still more enlightening than 'Christmas Markets'

      Pinocchio?

  6. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  7. Candy

    My Little Pony...

    The ever-amusing My Little Pony Abattoir. Funny when it was on The Young Ones 30 years ago. Still funny now. :)

    1. ukgnome Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: My Little Pony...

      Sorry to be a pedant - but it was actually in the book, how to be a complete bastard, although it was Adrian Edmonson so i'll give you half an advent chocolate

      1. Ted Treen

        Re: My Little Pony...

        Earlier than that...

        Private Eye had a cartoon of a sweet little girl with a "My Little Pony" stable on the table, next to her Dennis the Menace of a brother who had a toy building with a "My Little Knacker's Yard" sign affixed.

        If my memory serves me correctly, this was early-mid 1970's...

        1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

          Re: Re: My Little Pony...

          Yup, the idea's been knocking around for years. My El Reg colleague Drew Cullen used to threaten his two young daughters with a slaughterhouse set. Tickled me at the time, so why not roll it out now?

  8. John Tserkezis

    It's really sad they're not actually available

    But what's REALLY, REALLY sad, is that I checked.

    1. The First Dave

      Re: It's really sad they're not actually available

      Not available? Just pay a quick visit to Baikonur and you should be able to get a cupful fairly easily, just make sure to take two containers - and let the mother-in-law do the mixing herself...

  9. Thomas 4

    False widows...

    'twas the bite before Christmas and all through the house,

    Not a creature was stirring, because they'd all been bitten by deadly spiders...

  10. Ragarath

    Ahh spiders

    My 3 little ones would have that unwrapped in a second and placed in their spider hotel (the spiders never stay for long, something to do with the little ones squeezing their abdomen I presume). And yes their spider hotel has had Steatoda nobilis in it a lot as we have had it down south here for many many years.

    I am sure they would befriend this mutant too.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    this is not funny

    perhaps it's because it's Monday. Not that I feel a particular urge to re-check on any other day of the week. I've had Christmas tunes and themes up to here for the last 24 hours, when a coincidental combination of weekend, 1st December and telly on (kids and wife) demonstrated that the advertising DDoS attack does work :(

    ...

    Coincidence?! You live in the la-la land, myfriend. It's the Xmas DDoS, buy now!!!! :(

  12. Russ Tarbox

    Did I miss the NSFW tag?

    Oh no I didn't - but I think this article should carry one...

    1. JonP

      Re: Did I miss the NSFW tag?

      Yeah a moment of frantic scrolling there. Spiders? Phew yep spiders are safe.

      Though to be fair i really should be doing some work so everything is NSFW at the moment ... bah it's monday...

  13. DV Henkel-Wallace
    Thumb Up

    My little pony

    Shame I have only two thumbs to give the maximum score of two thumbs up! Outstanding work by the crack Register Playmobil team. The head in the wheelbarrow is particularly well done.

    Still, I have this nagging fear: is this investigative journalism at its finest....or has the Register's advertising bureau simply sold out the editorial space to some big accounts?

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: My little pony

      It's the latter, I'm afraid. We received an offer we couldn't refuse from a Chinese Playmobil knock-off company. Their miniature "re-education" labour camp is a gas. Stay tuned for a message from our sponsors...

      1. Long John Brass Silver badge

        Re: My little pony

        Finally a valid use for a 3d printer?

        you could knock out a my little knackers yard or a happy fun time re-education camp in no time :)

    2. Eddy Ito Silver badge
      Childcatcher

      Re: My little pony

      So is "nagging" the word to use in front of the children for what happens to old nags little ponies at the knacker's?

      Oh one more question, what gas do they use for the "re-education" camp?

  14. Oh Homer
    Paris Hilton

    "Huge Capacity Stadium"

    Cracks me up.

    Thank you, Lester Haines, for entering that particular double entendre into the vernacular, and full credit to Zaha Hadid for her inspiration.

  15. Mike Richards Silver badge

    Is it just me?

    Or would any one else buy the astronomy book just to feel better about every decent comet being in the southern hemisphere, eclipses clouded over and the aurora buggering off somewhere else for the evening?

  16. heyrick Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Whoa?!

    I looked up the bumper book of astronomical flops on Amazon because it sounded funny. No such book, sadly. However, high up on the search was this: ASIN: B00G2ETHJS - really NSFW and dodgy-sounding enough that I'm surprised The Daily Mail hasn't found it yet.

    Thumbs up for the Playmobatoir.

  17. David Nash Silver badge
    Coat

    Astronomical disappointments

    I have my own version of this, based around my family holiday from the UK to China a few years ago to coincide with the solar eclipse....poured with rain most of the day. Got some nice photos of everyone on the beach in the dark though!

    Made up for it in Cairns a couple of years later though!

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