back to article Ohh! The PRECIOUS! Give it to uss. We WANTS it: Shiny iThings coming in 2014

Apple CEO Tim Cook has provided the clearest statements yet that in 2014 his company will launch products in tech categories it hasn't yet touched. The iPhone supremo mentioned that time frame in answer to a question from an industry analyst about his earlier statements about new products, asked during a conference call after …

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  1. miknik

    "I think that no one has a set of skills like this"

    Acquired over a long career, right?

    Samsung better give him back his daughter before someone gets hurt...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "I think that no one has a set of skills like this"

      "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you."

      Yeah you're right, it's not far off Steve Job's declaration of 'thermonuclear war' on Android...

  2. Rattus Rattus

    "products in categories in which they currently don't particpate"

    Such as accurate maps and sensibly priced hardware.

    1. Oh Homer
      Gimp

      "There are two lessons that history has taught us about future Apple products"

      1. They're going to be unjustifiably expensive

      2. They're going to be over-hyped

      3. They're going to be crap

      OK, so the three lessons are expense, hype and crap ... and an almost fanatical obsession with quasi-religious symbolism.

      Amongst the lessons are such diverse elements as expense, hype, crap, an almost fanatical obsession with quasi-religious symbolism and bogus claims to "invention". Oh damn!

      I'd like to end with; "Nobody expects the Apple Litigation", but actually ... we really, really do. A lot.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "products in categories in which they currently don't particpate"

      After the recent lack of real revolutionary products from apple, I wouldnt be surprised if those "categories" turn out to be "phones in a revolutionary unique shade of orange" or something like that.

  3. Tromos

    Whatever it is...

    ...won't come cheap.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Whatever it is...

      Samsung S4 when it was released £629

      IPhone 5s when it was released £549

      Everything has a price, it's just that some hold it better than others.

      1. Avatar of They
        FAIL

        Re: Whatever it is...

        What, where you buying it, Harrods?

        Every S4 I looked at was sub £500. It was sold to target Iphone 5 buyers. Working the sales line "Better hardware specs for lower price etc."

        1. AMB-York Silver badge

          Re: Whatever it is...

          Are they taking pre-orders?

      2. psychonaut

        Re: Whatever it is...

        yeah, but i can hold my note 2 any way i like...the iphone on the other, err, hand...

  4. returnmyjedi

    Well their waste paper basket is out soon, so maybe they'll release a Mac Mini shaped like a toothbrush.

    1. Cliff

      Glasses

      With a reality distortion field?

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Masturbation sleeves

    To bring that love affair one step closer

    1. Cliff

      Re: Masturbation sleeves

      Orifice for Macs!

      (I think MS may have a similarly named product)

      1. plrndl
        Linux

        Re: Masturbation sleeves

        "Orifice for Macs!

        (I think MS may have a similarly named product)"

        ...but it's a different orifice.

  6. Ascylto

    We (Apple lovers) pay a lot for our devices ( though not as much as some) and we're not supposed to fiddle with them. However, we have devices made of the best (mostly) and we have customer service second to none. Just because the likes of Samsung copy whatever they can and do it cheaper doesn't mean they're better (have you ever seen the innards of a Samsung fridge/freezer? I have and it's not pretty!). If people choose the cheaper alternatives then good for them. We choose very, very, very unique items (poor fellow just can't say unique). If you're happy with Android ... good.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I don't know if your comment is meant as an ironic take on 'apple fanboy'. Hope so.

      The great thing about personal computing devices, Windows or Android is choice and variety in pricing and functionality.

      Maybe not enough choice yet (try finding a quad core I7 13" tablet with decent GPU which can run in a low power state when doing ordinary tablet things but run high performance at need or when have extra battery or mains power available).

      Apple philosophy is one size fits all. Times in their history this has gone badly, right now its working well as they surf the crest of their wave. Great if one or more of their devices are ideal for you but this doesn't make them the best for everyone.

      Blimey that Cook bloke is one smug bastard isn't he tho.

    2. tom dial Silver badge

      " However, we have devices made of the best (mostly) and we have customer service second to none."

      Both of my children, I think. would say that not only is not true, but that Apple design, build, and support all are far less than the prices would warrant and in fact grossly unsatisfactory, and that they have Apple computers only because they want to use specific software for which an alternative-OS version is deficient or does not exist.

    3. Stevie Silver badge
      Trollface

      re:we have devices made of the best

      Yes. Apple tell you so and you can't deny facts like that.

      Although when I opened up my Brother-in-Law's G3 to fix it when it died it turned out to have just as many crappy parts in it as my PC. In all fairness, they did cost more to replace.

      1. Chris 3

        Re: re:we have devices made of the best

        Since the last G3 iMacs were phased out over 10 years ago, that shows some remarkable longevity.

        1. Stevie Silver badge

          Re: re: re:we have devices made of the best

          [4 Chris 3] "Since the last G3 iMacs were phased out over 10 years ago, that shows some remarkable longevity"

          An excellent statement of fact with only two things wrong with it:

          First, the events depicted in my post did not happen today, they happened over five years ago. I would also point out that the thing was delivered with a duff motherboard that took almost a year to diagnose properly and get changed out and that the machine itself was less than five years old when it bit the dust. Again.

          Second, The PC I owned and which the relative used to do the stuff he couldn't get done on his "better" Mac while I was desperately trying to source parts for the most expensive brick in the universe is *still* running with the original monitor, interior gubbins and keyboard. I swapped out the mouse for a wireless one yonks ago, but the old one still works. It is about 12 years old. The PC lost a hard drive, true, but the one it lost was an additional drive added by me. The original is still spinning with no problems.

          So no. Not remarkable longevity at all when you come to think about it, unless you are talking about inverse longevity.

          As far as cost to lifetime benefits, the brother-in-law's G3 is right up there with Sergeant York.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "...have you ever seen the innards of a Samsung fridge/freezer?"

      Finally!!! I'm glad to see someone finally balls'd up and compared the construction of a mobile phone to a freezer! Only Apple fans are this unique and innovative.

      I think my car engine might be dirty, can you confirm this if I send you pictures of my ass?

      1. spiny norman

        When the LED display on our Samsung fridge freezer stopped working, the only way they could fix it was to replace the entire door. They sent an engineer with a new door three times before they found one without some other damage. To their credit, it was the engineers that spotted the damage, and they did send £25 for the inconvenience.

        This isn't related in any way to the intermittent bluetooth dropouts that afflict my Galaxy S3, for which there appears to be no cure.

    5. Dave K Silver badge

      Please explain why the Galaxy S4 copies the iPhone? It looks completely different, screen size is different, OS looks different, etc.

      This "Samsung copies Apple" excuse is getting old. Maybe old Samsungs such as the SII did hold a striking resemblance to Apple products, but for the last two years or more, Samsung phones/tablets have been very different from both a looks and functionality point of view.

    6. Someone Else Silver badge
      Coat

      @Ascylto

      Gee, I wonder what the innards of an iFridge look like?

      1. Midnight

        Re: @Ascylto

        I wouldn't know what the inside looked like. I can't open the fridge without a pentagram-shaped screwdriver, six plastic wedges of different designs, two litres of solvent and a hair dryer.

      2. MrDamage
        Trollface

        Re: @Ascylto

        Like the insides of any other fridge, only;

        The off carton of milk is soy milk

        The green, hairy stuff in the middle of the 2nd shelf is tofu

        Any beer in there is boutique

        and the jar of pickled onions is imported from halfway around the world.

        iZombies do have to pretend theyre more upmarket than the rest of the world, dontcha know?

  7. birchanger_toper

    I'm really looking forward to seeing some "very, very unique" new products. Products that are merely very unique just don't cut it for me.

    1. Rukario
      Devil

      I want to see uniquely unique products.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Nice to see El Reg Hacks rallying round to put Apple spin into overdrive.

    Peak Apple must have hurt.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      To me it sounds like the spin you get when your Pratt&Whitney turbine has just accidentally hoovered up someone from the flight deck.

      CUT ENGINES! CUT!!

      1. Bloakey1

        The engines are cut, the power is off but the sound of the 'Fanbois' whining is uniquely ubiquitous in a common place manner.

        Can an item that is massed produced be unique?

  9. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

    13 inch maxi-pad

    Surely that's a very limited market.

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: 13 inch maxi-pad

      >13 inch maxi-pad... Surely that's a very limited market.

      It is, and so you'll £1200 for the privilege:

      http://uk.shop.wacom.eu/products/cintiq

      ...but you do get a market-leading digitiser for your money.

      I think Apple could be serving their traditional core of users (graphic designers and digital artists) by teaming up with Wacom, but then there is always a Modbook Pro, starting at $2900 - again with a Wacom digitiser.

      1. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

        Re: 13 inch maxi-pad

        Er, not what I meant. But yeah. Should have used the joke or coat icon.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 13 inch maxi-pad

      i just thought how big are her knickers :-)

    3. Bloakey1

      Re: 13 inch maxi-pad

      My wife used to use those, then she changed to the Irag which cost more but looked better although it had similar functionality.

  10. menotu

    slick

    Apple used to be about innovation .. now it's Smoke & Mirrors....

    1. websey

      Re: slick

      Well can you blame them they have the money.........

    2. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

      Re: slick

      IMHO, they are playing with the opposition.

      Get them to rush out with sub-standard and incomplete 'stuff'.

      Then Apple can come along like a knight on a white horse and save the day.

      Look what has happened with the Watches that have been released recently.

      If any companies fall for this then I feel sorry for them.

      Before anyone gets angry at Apple, product misdirection is common place in many industries.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Does the Adult pleasure category have to start to worry?

    (This is my aim at humour)...

    Can you imagine if Apple went into 'Ann Summers' type category?

    You could have an aluminium pleasure device called and 'iDo' (pronounced Eye-Doh!)

    With that it has a blue tooth connection and you then have an app to show you... Well... Maybe body temperature? :D

    You could also set an internal motor to pulse as your phone rings (you don't want to miss that important call do you...!

    (My Humour fails me... I will leave the room now..)

    1. Xamol
      Joke

      Re: Does the Adult pleasure category have to start to worry?

      It'll never work...

      This is one range where even Apple wouldn't be able to change the standard interface port to a new i-port.

    2. TheOtherHobbes

      Re: Does the Adult pleasure category have to start to worry?

      Something like this, perhaps?

      But with an early-bird version triggered by SMS. Or indeed iWatch.

  12. Alistair MacRae

    Apple sounds like an attention seeking child

    Hey guys look at me! Where are you going? Wait a sec, I'm gonna do something...You'd better keep looking... because it's going to be awesome...any minute now...

    What's the point of stating you're working on something? That much is obvious, people would be alarmed if you weren't.

    But all this talking while saying nothing is pointless, trying to keep shareholders happy?

    1. phuzz Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: Apple sounds like an attention seeking child

      To be fair to Apple, their approach to PR (ie say nothing and let everyone else hype rumours) has worked pretty well for them, and if it ain't broke...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Apple sounds like an attention seeking child

        Thats kinda subject to opinion though isnt it?

        Peak apple anyone? declining market share in phones and tablets.

  13. HereWeGoAgain

    If it's like Apple Pages

    It could be a watch which doesn't tell the time. Or has just an hour hand. Or just a minute hand. Or no hands at all.

    1. Mike Bell

      Re: If it's like Apple Pages

      Or just a watch. That doesn't try to load some fookin ActiveX control for a laugh.

    2. Derk

      Re: If it's like Apple Pages

      A watch that tells you when you need to buy more Apple stuff?

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    meh

    Various size tablet computers or phone, various size TVs, a digital watch with a screen likely too small to be useful - none of these are going to 'wow' me or many others, I suspect. They are just variations on a theme.

    People get wowed by stuff they didn't think they needed - or even thought possible. Devices that could tell you where in the world you were to metre accuracy, photos that didn't need to be sent to the Chemist for developing, telephones you can carry about in your pocket... outside, computers that brought you a wealth of cute cat videos and porn.

    I'm waiting for the 'next big thing'. I only wish I knew what it was.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Apple TV

    Put an A7 + M7 in Apple TV, give it bluetooth, HDMI 1.4 and a modest amount of storage so it can take over the living room. A7 + M7 so it can cope with 4K TV when it becomes mainstream (I've seen several sets for sale already).

    Keep it at £99 so it makes sense over a MacMini at £499. You can sell the Apple Keyboard as an extra or a combined keyboard / touchpad and make money on that.

    My 2012 "Smart" TV is powerful (dual core) but the interface is still shocking. There is money to be made in this space.

    1. returnmyjedi

      Re: Apple TV

      Why would the M7 chip be required in an Apple TV? My understanding was it syphoned off the gyroscope and accelerometer workload from the A7. How would that benefit a telly box, unless it was flung around the room for hitherto unexplored reasons?

  16. kensal

    hmmmmmmm...new shiny - shiny.....please bring us shiny-shiny

    1. Fink-Nottle

      Well, sir, there's nothin' on earth like a genuine bona-fide electrified six-car monorail!

      1. Graham Dawson

        I hear those things are awfully loud!

      2. David Black

        I think you were looking for the HS2 thread... even Apple don't have that much money to burn

  17. JLV Silver badge

    Apple TV... meh

    Not sure what that TV would be like, but I have a sneaky feeling there'd be all sorts of limitations about where you can source your media. Apple will _really_ struggle to convince me that their TV would not lock my media purchases onto their platform.

    I do have a fair bit of Apple kit. The phone and tablet are locked down, true but apps are, mostly, cheap. And it always played MP3s (looking at you, Sony).

    The laptop is actually pretty happy about accepting all sorts of open source stuff, via Ports. So, overall, the program ecosystem is open enough for me (yes, you can disagree, just stating _my_ preferences).

    Media-wise, not so good:

    No BluRay when it came out - St. Jobs has decreed iTunes HD is the way. iTunes doesn't do mp3. Who knows what format a movie is in if I buy it from Apple?

    Bottom line:

    Most of my media is ol fahioned DVD, CD and BluRay, but if I bought media from iTunes I'd be locked in.

    Buying movies and music does not come cheap. And, unlike my intentions for computer programs, I certainly hope my movies will play 20 years from now. Who knows if Apple will still be around by then? Probably, but no guarantee I'll want to use their gear by then.

  18. Boyd Crow

    Has anyone calculated the amount of free advertising given to Apple by "news coverage" of "something wonderful to come"? It seems to be the "go to" story on any slow news day. Any real tech news out there?

  19. NoneSuch

    Hmmmmm.

    "I've said that you'd see some exciting new products from us in the fall of this year and across 2014,"

    His definition of "exciting" and mine differ quite a bit. Thankfully they save "revolutionary" for the press invitations just before the excitement begins.

  20. Sheep!

    I have a leak about what it is. It's going to called the "Pachyderm", and it's only available in white.

  21. All names Taken
    Holmes

    Hmmm - I dunno ...

    Remotely controlling home devices by phone over t'internet is doable now.

    See, for example, http://www.jsjsdesigns.com/

    Whether one wants to or not is a different thing altogether

  22. RainForestGuppy

    Exciting new products??

    I'm sorry but the same phone you've produced for the last 5 years with a "wait for it......" a coloured case is not a new and exciting product.

    Can't wait for 2014, what will we get... a blue ipad? a different size screen? These are not new and exciting products. Apple stopped innovating when Steve Jobs became ill. Tim Cook is just a bean counter.

    They'll just milk the existing products till death, walk away with a stack of cash and Apple will be another footnote in the history of computing.

    Won't happen?? Almost did before, it was only Jobs return to helm at Apple that saved them.

  23. Jacksonville

    Apple iTV - 42'' iMac

    Apple iTV = BIG iMAC

    What do you think an Apple iTV, say 42'' model will cost? In the Apple "double it and add a zero" cost model, Considering a current 27'' iMac model is £1600 I'm thinking ~ £2200 - £2400.

    Regardless of cost it'll fly off the shelf.

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: Apple iTV - 42'' iMac

      Apple have been doing monitors for years, if they stick an Apple TV and a tuner inside, Bob's your uncle. Whatever UI they come up with, it couldn't be any worse than any so-called smart TV.

      I wouldn't be touching one with a barge pole, it'd be a whole load of lock-in plus I wouldn't like to have to put an Apple ID in a damn domestic appliance.

  24. fourThirty

    So..

    ...nothing to announce then?

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    iCar...

    Has a different port for the fuel - you should buy apple fuel via your iStation. You CAN use standard petrol, however you'll need to buy an adapter.

    Need to sync with the iStation , which will take 10 mins longer than needed before being able to set off again.

    Won't make right turns, as it's safer to turn left at a junction, and besides, you can just make 3 left turns right?

    Have to use apple roads, our customers hate all the road fragmentation, M1, A1, B1, it's just too messy.

    Servicing is unnecessary as our equipment never fails (if it does fail, parts are non serviceable, please buy a new iCar).

    MOT is unnecessary as who wants a 3+ year old iShiney?!

  26. NP-HARD
    Trollface

    Oooo. The anticipation.

    Eagerly awaiting Apple to define me further.

    In the meantime, another facial piercing, tribal tattoo and a more sandals...

  27. Mnot Paranoid
    Trollface

    I dunno

    I'd be happy with bluetooth printing in iOS7 and a games controller for the Apple TV (now with added App Store)

    I'll probably end up buying the stupid f**king fridge though.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Here's a simple translation

    "We are quite clever and could do some other stuff. I expect we will."

  29. Herby Silver badge

    Apple Car??

    Move over Mr. Musk.

  30. Yet Another Commentard
    Headmaster

    very, very unique...?

    How, exactly?

    Unique is "existing as the only one". You can't be "very" unique any more that one could be "slightly" pregnant or very dead.

    1. DPWDC
      Joke

      Re: very, very unique...?

      "very dead"

      Zombies? There only a bit dead...

  31. whatsa

    funny to frightening

    the Gollum analogy was highly amusing

    (thanks for the laugh)

    unfortunately the more I thought about it

    a frightening reality started to emerge.

    Can they be saved ?

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