back to article Massively leaked iFail 5S POUNDS pundits, EXCITES chavs

If it was tedious putting up with the prelaunch hype, it was at least entertaining this week to watch so many commentators backtrack on the cobblers they’d been serving up just hours before the event. I’m talking about the iPhone 5S/iPhone 5C launch, of course. Everyone else has expressed an opinion these past couple of days, …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Iphone 5 (_S_ame as before)

    Iphone 5C - Teletubby edition #tellytubbyiphone

    If people wanted plastic phones, surely they'd have bought a samsung by now?

    1. Bob Vistakin
      Facepalm

      Its "unexpectedly" shit?

      Like the iPad mini, Maps and cloning Android for iOS7 didn't signal this downward spiral a mile away?

    2. Vector

      "If people wanted plastic phones, surely they'd have bought a samsung by now?"

      Naw...Galaxy phones don't appeal to three year olds.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Samsung rocks! And they don't come in pukey colors!

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The best thing about that video is how accurate it actually is considering it was released before the 5S and 5C were officially announced.

  3. Darren Barratt
    Thumb Up

    "Apple engineers that they temporarily went a bit hatstand and turned the iMac into an angle-poise lamp for a short while."

    Genuine LOL

    1. monkeyfish

      I liked the iMac angle-poise lamp*. Much better looking than any computer that came before or after. Looked like it belonged in a space ship, plus you could turn the monitor around to see stuff in portrait. The fat monitor that came after was ugly.

      *Couldn't afford one at the time tho.

      1. The Serpent

        The advert for it was amusing - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHqVLhpAjkg

      2. Jes.e

        Sadly no. You could not rotate the screen to portrait.

        When I saw Jobs presenting it I merely thought he had omitted the feature. It was so obvious..

        When the machine arrived at the local Mac store, I immediately raced down to verify my theory that you could rotate it.

        Very missed opportunity.

        Did Apple actually engineer prototypes that could do this? If they did itout would have introduced another failure mode into the machine.

        Anybody know?

        And yes, I agree; this was the best desktop design ever! The computer adjusted to you, not the other way around.

        Upvote.

        1. monkeyfish

          Sadly no. You could not rotate the screen to portrait.

          aww, I always thought they did. Must have just dreamt it.

    2. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      Hatstand

      A much underused and underappreciated adjective, and one that I will endeavour to use more in future...

      1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Hatstand

        Great word, isn't it. As an alternative, you could use the Dimwell Street expression "cup and plate", as in

        "He is a bit cup-and-plate in the head" (attributed to senior postman Groat)

        Mine is the one with "Going Postal" in the pocket

        1. Naughtyhorse

          Re: Hatstand/cup-and-plate

          hmmm

          Pratchett vs Vis...

          given the 'fuckwit' that appeared elsewhere i suspect our author is of the Viz generation.

          and anyway whats wrong with millenium hand and shrimp

          buggrit

  4. Kristaps
    Coffee/keyboard

    "Let’s get this straight: the iPhone 5S is possibly a fun place to be if you’re an electron..."

    You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      >> You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.

      Ah, the compensation culture. Another shocking indictment of Thatcher's Britain. Or something.

      1. Frederic Bloggs

        Re: >> You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.

        In that case: me too please

        1. This Side Up

          Anglepoise?

          I thought it was a Christmas pudding.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: >> You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.

        Ah, the compensation culture. Another shocking indictment of Thatcher's Britain. Or something.

        Careful Alistair - you've obviously spent too much time on the Daily Mail *and* Guardian websites.

  5. JDX Gold badge

    No need for revolution

    If you have a good product, gradual refinements are just fine. iP5 already nailed the design side of things and has all the features most people - or at least Apple customers - want. So up the spec and what else is needed? It's a sleek little box with a powerful CPU/GPU inside, arguably the most powerful on the market (this month).

    Look at the Porsche 911. It's not to everybody's taste but it keeps on selling.

    1. SkippyBing Silver badge

      Re: No need for revolution

      Which I agree with, the problem is Apple make such a song and dance about the release of a modest update. If they'd just put out a press release or mentioned it along with some other stuff that would be fine but having a massive presentation that can be summed up as 'buy a faster one or a hideous plastic one' and youopen yourself up to ridicule, or at least mildly biting sarcasm.

      1. MrGoggle

        Re: No need for revolution

        It is not Apple who make a song and dance of it, it is the media the over do that for them. As far as iPhone 5S/C are concerned they are welcome new additions. Good thing is they [Apple] don't overload the devices with endless features that are unusable or difficult for the average user to understand. I like technology, but at the same time I don't want a phone that consumes my time because the UI has been badly designed with a feature set that has been thrown together without thinking about usability.

        1. xperroni

          Re: No need for revolution

          It is not Apple who make a song and dance of it, it is the media the over do that for them.

          Why not both?

          Apple crafts colorful but hollow events to try and pass incremental improvements and pointless gimmicks as "revolutionary", and wide-eyed "journalists" (to misuse a term) happily fall for it.

          1. Andrew James

            Re: No need for revolution

            When was the last time Apple described anything as revolutionary at an iPhone launch?

            On a two year contract cycle, the only people seeing the 5S as an upgrade option have an iPhone 4S or something from the android stable two years ago, both of which will be tired by now.

            The 5S is a fine upgrade option for anyone who has a two year old phone who is interested in an iPhone. I can't understand what all the fuss is about.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: No need for revolution

              "When was the last time Apple described anything as revolutionary at an iPhone launch?"

              Ahem...

              Phone 5s customers have access to the revolutionary App Store

              Apple leads the digital music revolution with its iPods and iTunes online store

              Apple has reinvented the mobile phone with its revolutionary iPhone and App Store

              http://www.apple.com/pr/library/2013/09/10Apple-Announces-iPhone-5s-The-Most-Forward-Thinking-Smartphone-in-the-World.html

              .

              So I make that a few days ago.

              .

              To be fair it seems they do stick in pretty much every press release.

              http://www.apple.com/pr/library/2013/09/10iOS-7-With-Completely-Redesigned-User-Interface-Great-New-Features-Available-September-18.html

              http://www.apple.com/pr/library/2013/09/10NTT-DOCOMO-Apple-Team-Up-to-Offer-iPhone-in-Japan-on-Friday-September-20.html

              http://www.apple.com/pr/library/2013/09/12Burberry-Uses-iPhone-5s-to-Capture-Spring-Summer-2014-Runway-Show.html

              and on and on and on and on and......

        2. Brennan Young

          Re: No need for revolution

          Not Apple perhaps who overdo the tiniest innovation but 'the media'. Yes certainly, the tech journalists that suck at Apple's well-lubricated PR organs. And who pays for those organs? Well Apple of course.

          Apple is all about PR, slipped out, leaked, exclusively revealed, prototypes 'accidentally' left in a bar in Frisco, 'we don't comment on unreleased products' etc. etc. None of this is accidental. Apple wants you to think 'the media' are excited, but in fact it's just journalists that have to file N stories before knocking off, and no time to fact-check or be critical.

        3. Ilsa Loving

          Re: No need for revolution

          What's the antonym of Fanboi? Above I see a perfectly reasonable and well reasoned comment, that outlines the persons preference for a simple UI, yet the comment has as many downvotes as upvotes.

          Oh noes! That person isn't slagging apple! They must be a witch! Burn 'er!

          Grow up people.

      2. Philip Lewis

        Re: No need for revolution

        Hmm. I have an iPhone 5, free (as in beer) from my employer. Prior to that I had a similarly free 3GS.

        I think the 5 is a pretty substantial upgrade. The already good camera now sports a by cunning dual flash system which no one else seems to have thought of. An iPhone is a very competent pocket camera these days, and even better now with substantial upgrades to the internals of the camera kit as well. For lots of people which actually take photos of things other than their cat, this will be a welcome addition and many of the aforementioned currently holding a 3GS,4 or 4S will be tempted to move up. Mybe even some with 5s.

        The CPU/GPU is just faster with no apparent loss of battery life.

        The fingerprint thingy which apparently "just works" is cool and very forward looking. Apple seem to have the technology in place and the complex and expensive manufacturing as well to solve this feature (yes I know they bough some company for the basic tech)

        The motion thingy might be an interesting development and at least 1 other manufacturer has their own version of it as well. The idea seems not to be seminal, but Apple is at the forefront here.

        iOS 7 is available for the 4, so it is no the compelling upgrade reason. I happen to like it, YMMV.

        The is more in there, but this is enough for me to rate the 5S as a very competent and solid upgrade from the 5. The geeks already hate Apple products, so why should the st of the world care what they think or say?

    2. Sir Sham Cad

      Re: No need for revolution

      While I agree with you that small improvements to a mature product is a sensible development approach the fact of the matter is that, in tech circles, especially the smart device market, purchase cycles are fairly short lived (as opposed to the cycle of buying a new performance car). Generally the duration of an airtime contract. This generates an artificial obsolesence cycle for otherwise perfectly good product and Apple have been the masters at exploiting this. Sell on a 2 year contract and release a new shiny each year so that you are always only ever a year ahead of your peers and then a year behind, driving you to get the latest again come contract time.

      Apple, under Jobs, were great at bringing out something every year that they could at least sell to the press and the faithful as "revolutionary". They have set the expectations on launch day very high and (as you point out, quite naturally) are simply not hitting those highs any more. Now *that* has become the story.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: No need for revolution

      Look at the Porsche 911. It's not to everybody's taste but it keeps on selling.

      And don't Porsche even have a "911C" ... i.e. the Boxster - the car that TopGear describes as saying "I really really want a 911 but I can't afford one so this will have to do instead"

      1. Ydo Ibother

        Re: No need for revolution

        A good analogy, but the $172,100 2013 Porsche 911 Turbo S Convertible is significantly more expensive than the $60,900 2013 Porsche Boxster S Convertible. The 5C is a fail at its current price. Oh, and it shits me you can no longer get a 4S bigger than 8GB in Oz. Apple's way of saying we don't give a shit you spent money on docking stations for the old connector, or that your car isn't brand new. No I don't want to use an adapter, that blows chunks.

    4. Simon Barker

      Re: No need for revolution

      Look at the Porsche 911. It's not to everybody's taste but it keeps on selling.

      Well there's a small difference, the Porsche is instantly recognizable while the iPhone looks much like every other phone (besides being oddly tall and thin).

      1. Rupert Stubbs

        Re: No need for revolution

        You do realise that it happened the other way around, don't you?

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: No need for revolution

      The design problem with the Porsche 911 is that the engine is in the back - but not exactly for the reason you think. When you spin your latest replacement Porsche 911 off the road and crash backwards into an oak tree, the entire drive-train is destroyed. The salvage yards are full of perfect 911 front clips, but the engines and transmissions are all smashed to bits.

      A Ford Mustang GT is much better in this regard. When they spin off the road and crash backwards into an oak tree, the impact to the valuable drive-train components is cushioned by the bodies of the drunk occupants. So replacement "5.0" (sic, 4.9 actually) engines and transmissions are readily available in the salvage yards.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    yawn

    Sorry, but, you know... yawn.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: yawn

      Upvoted.

      1. Rukario

        Re: yawn

        Proof that yawning is contagious.

  7. Captain Hogwash
    Meh

    C & S

    I imagined Common and Superior. But whether Common or Cheap, everyone gets the gist and would rather be seen as Superior, Special etc (if they'd like to be seen with an iPhone at all.) So, provided Apple haven't already produced too many C models, this is just a bit of preemptive up selling, no?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: C & S

      The market being targeted is Asia. They know their 'C's and 'S's very well.

      'C' = "Cheap", of course. Obviously. The 'C' is being used here by Apple as a weapon. Same as the gaudy coloured plastic. Zero people in Asia will be proud to own an iPhone 5C. At best, the three of them that are sold will be tucked away into a discreet black Pu-leather case, never to be seen in public again. Exact opposite of everyone in Asian waving their obviously-expensive giant Phablets around ("Look at me. Look at me.")

      'S' = "Social". If you've spent any time in Asia, or in an Asian, you'd know. 'S' is "Social", as in S-Class Mercedes. These will be waved about. Thus they had to be outwardly distinctive from the iPhone 5CHEAP.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: C & S

        Even as I write this at the local internet cafe, an Asian girl (I am in Asia after all) is holding a 7" Samsung something or other to her head and speaking into it.

        I would post a photo if I had my phone with me, but I do not - sorry dear readers.

        She is cute too, except for the aforementioned device bolted to her head.

        Now, I have to get back home and into my personal Asian ;)

      2. Big_Ted
        Headmaster

        Re: C & S ummmmmm

        If you've spent any time in Asia, or in an Asian, you'd know.

        What was the Asians name and was it a he or a she ???

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    yawn is right

    Fanboi or not, this article has to be one of the worst examples of some idiot ranting like a depraved dumped prepubescent girl over some moronic band splitting up.

    Bye el reg, judging by the incredibly fast deterioration of your quality of writing, you're clearly becoming victims of your own 'success'. Used to be fun, informative, quirky. Now boring and repetitive.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: yawn is right

      What do you mean "Bye"? You don't read The Register. If you did, you might have noticed that I have been writing this boring and repetitive column every Friday for the last year and a half.

    2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Re: yawn is right

      this article has to be one of the worst examples of some idiot ranting like a depraved dumped prepubescent girl over some moronic band splitting up

      Let me guess, you're one of those analysts, right? :)

    3. xperroni
      Pint

      Re: yawn is right

      Bye el reg, judging by the incredibly fast deterioration of your quality of writing, you're clearly becoming victims of your own 'success'. Used to be fun, informative, quirky.

      It's Friday. Have a pint, mate, and chill the feck off.

      1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

        Re: yawn is right

        "I cared so little for this article, I immediately had to spew forth my opinion into the comments section."

        Bye then, AC. Missin' ya already.

    4. This post has been deleted by its author

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: yawn is right

      Must be a different moderator here. They modded my ass in another thread and I was less scathing than you were.

  9. Dr_N Silver badge

    "By the time I had finished checking to see what effect the inclusion of Jonny’s prose in the Daily Fail would have on the price of my house"

    Did it also have an impact on the number of immigrants in the UK!?

    1. mrdalliard
      Mushroom

      I also heard the C in 5C stands for "cancer".

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Then S stands for "Syria"?

      2. Keith_C

        No, I'm reasonably sure the 'C' is the initial for the type of person who'd buy one...

        1. Cliff

          'C' is the initial for the type of person who'd buy one...

          Well played.

          You mean 'Children', of course.

          1. Cliff

            Re: 'C' is the initial for the type of person who'd buy one...

            Possibly 'Colourblind'.

            1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

              Re: 'C' is the initial for the type of person who'd buy one...

              'Charmless'

              1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

                Re: 'C' is the initial for the type of person who'd buy one...

                Crass...

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: 'C' is the initial for the type of person who'd buy one...

                  Conceited...

                2. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: 'C' is the initial for the type of person who'd buy one...

                  Cretins.

                  1. oolor

                    Re: 'C' is the initial for the type of person who'd buy one...

                    Coprophagus...

  10. Pete 2 Silver badge

    What IS new

    ... is that there's been so little innovation from Apple for such a long time.

    It does appear that they managed to launch their ballistic [ used as a technical term here ] trajectory with the early products, when there was little or no competition. Since then the curve has been sustained by the F*bois who are still living in 2008/9, the inertia of big business and the lack of anything better from the Android-ers: who are *still* playing catch-up and who's idea of innovation is aping what Apple have done in the past.

    However, like all ballistic trajectories, at some point the upwardsness flattens out and gravity starts to exert its influence (as it does on us all!). Sooner or later that "meteoric" rise does what all meteors do and falls to earth in a firey spectacle. The only difference between Apple's ballistics and ordinary ballistics, is that you can usually plot, very accurately, the where and when of the descent and ultimate crash. With Apple half the fun is spectating and wondering when the historians will say "they finally lost the plot". Oh, and try not to be underneath, inside, or invested (financially, or in the products) when it does hit.

    1. darklord

      Re: What IS new

      My question? Is the lack of innovation a direct reflection on all the patent suites. i.e no one left to copy from as they now need to be whiter than white to preserve there dimishing reputation.

      Just saying. any else noticed!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What IS new

        Don't worry I am sure they will find something to copy from Samsung.. Whom has finally figured out they need to keep the updates rolling once a phone is released (my S4 has been updated a few times, with a few nice little gui fixes etc.. my original SGS took ages for any fix... and was quite buggy)

        I just wish HTC would copy Samsung and add a micro SD slot to their HTC One, I really liked the look of the phone until I found it had no slot

        1. Tom 64

          Re: What IS new

          "I just wish HTC would copy Samsung and add a micro SD slot to their HTC One, I really liked the look of the phone until I found it had no slot"

          Next time you swing by Japan, pick one up. They are sold WITH micro SD slots here.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: What IS new

            WTF? why would HTC do something so dumb as that? loosing sales because they have different models...

  11. Antonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Superb and thoroughly deserved outpouring of contempt. Couldn't have been directed at a more deserving hypegasm.

    1. NightFox

      Yet strangely, all the iPhone 5S/C hype that I've been bombarded with over the last few weeks/months didn't come from Apple - it came from The Register.

      1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

        I read Reg Apple articles for the comments.

        1. oolor

          >I read Reg Apple articles for the comments.

          ... and Playboy for the LeRoy Neiman sketches.

  12. Ralph B
    Happy

    Right on the money!

    Now, opinion is all well and good but it belongs in amateur blogs, chats down the pub and pointless, unhelpful and information-free postings at tech news websites on Friday afternoons written by empty-headed wasters.

    Hehe, talk about biting the hand that feeds IT!

  13. This post has been deleted by a moderator

    1. This post has been deleted by a moderator

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What a vile article...

        The article read as a spiteful expression of a disappointed gadget consumer with a bad hangover.

        Some of the responses suggest their authors should be kept away from keyboard or 'phone until they have completed kindergarten and nursery, learnt to wipe their own bottoms and to recite their home address.

        Shame as many of AD's articles are interesting to read.

        How about constructive criticism? Suggest what sort of revolutionary, useful, affordable and doable changes you have got in mind. Do not waste time slating Apple because you got carried away by the vivid imaginings of your peers.

        To be realistic: the hardware of most mobiles is reasonably good now. The physical design of the iPhone 5 series seems to be a practical compromise of size, form and attractiveness. One could do with longer battery life (both between charges and before unacceptable deterioration). But the real arena for change now, as with most computers, is the software and I imagine that this revision is laying the ground for that.

        Just one thing is certain: Apple's rivals, whether or not they had planned it before, will be racing each other to implement or improve on the changes implemented by Apple and their devotees will expend a lot of effort and froth to tell us how they were first or at least did it better, cheaper, prettier .....

        1. sam bo

          Re: What a vile article...

          Recommended recovery period after a humerectomy is 2 weeks away from a computer or smartphone.

          Try posting back here when you feel better, there's a good chap...now toddle off and have a good lie-down.

    2. MrXavia
      Facepalm

      Re: What a vile article...

      prejudice - Noun - Preconceived opinion not based on reason or experience.

      Chav - an informal British derogatory meaning a young lower-class person who displays brash and loutish behaviour and wears real or imitation designer clothes.

      I can say for certain that my opinions about 'chavs' is based on reason and experience and not a prejudice.

      Not all lower class young people are chavs.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What a vile article...

      Actually, the article is wrong, it's NOT Chavs that end up with this phone, it's people who want to be / look cool. Middle class mummies and daddies and grannies and grandads. People in de streets, they rockin' the Droid!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What a vile article...

        And what is wrong with middle class parents and grandparents? They are, one assumes, more intelligent and able as they are more successful and society would be in a pretty bad way without them. They are also the majority of customers for the things that keep you in your version of cool. They are also what, if you are lucky, you will become when you grow up.

        Anyway, I live far away so English class hang-ups and envy are not my problem. I would just rather take their taste and judgement than that some yankie baseball cap wearing berk who thinks he is a technical genius instead of having a life. Funny, they want to look cools too. Just their idea of cool differs from mine. No doubt you want to look cool, however you define it. It's just slang for wanting to look young, old, attractive, intelligent, alternative or whatever is cool in your book.

  14. Alistair Dabbs

    Upvoted.

    1. Neill Mitchell

      Upvomited surely :)

    2. Steven Raith

      Upvoted for...

      ...self-deprecating upvoting.

  15. SW10
    Joke

    The iPhone 5C as BIC biro

    ...was the approach taken by satirists on Canal+ in France.

    They spoofed a keynote speech showing "all new" crystal BIC biros; not only fabulously cheap at €590, but also with coloured caps that are interchangeable between pens. On cue, the audience called out "it's Amazing!" at various moments during the presentation - see how our engineers have created a chewable cap! And now pan-pipes!

    Starts at 12:30 and lasts about 2 mins. Requires no knowledge of French - but you do have to suffer a 10-second ad at the start:

    http://www.canalplus.fr/c-divertissement/pid3351-c-le-petit-journal.html?vid=931934

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    S...s C..k?

    surely that's a recommendation not an insult?

    1. Ian 55

      Re: S...s C..k?

      I know I'd much rather suck cock than have an iPhone for longer than it takes to sell it...

  17. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

    It's "VORSPRUNG durch Technik"

    And NEVER EVER take german design lightly. They were speeding in the decidedly german-looking (all edges and minimalist lines with a cannon like the STAFF of HELDON itself) Panzer IV through the desert while Britain was waddling around in the clearly imperial (small cannon stuck onto a blob on wheels) Matildas. Watch out.

    1. pepper

      Now you are discarding the Crusader tanks! They were quite the mean bastard! The biggest problem was the under performing 2pdr gun against the PIVF2(I presume you are talking about the long barrelled one). Once they got the 6pdr mounted in the mk3 it became a fine performer together with the US Sherman II.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      wasn't it the Panzer IV and Panzer III that were pushed back in France before the Matilda II and even the Matilda I'm-a-machine-gun-stuck-on-a-lump-of-armour I?

      The true outstanding design feature of the Panzer IV was that Jerry could keep on using it throughout the war with little re-engineering whereas those remaining Matildas were relegated to the jungle war in the East.

    3. John Smith 19 Gold badge
      Happy

      "And NEVER EVER take german design lightly. They were speeding in the decidedly german-looking (all edges and minimalist lines with a cannon like the STAFF of HELDON itself) Panzer IV through the desert while Britain was waddling around in the clearly imperial (small cannon stuck onto a blob on wheels) Matildas. Watch out."

      Indeed.

      My other Porsche has a 155mm gun....

      1. pepper

        I dont know if Porsche ever constructed a 155mm turret(Krupp was the usual gun producer to be fair). But I know Porsche made a turret for the King Tiger that looked much like a Panther turret instead of the Krupp design that got put on.

        Or are you by any chance referencing the Mause prototype tank?

    4. Flatpackhamster

      Matildas were knocking seven bells out of the Panzer IV until the F2 revision with the long-barrelled 75mm gun.

  18. ToggleMaudlin

    The parting shot was puerile, pointless and completely uncalled for... which is why I laughed so much that I snorted.

    Honestly though, does anyone care that much? These phones - and others like them - aren't fashion statements anymore. A small update is still an update. There's surely a limit to what can be crammed into a phone, anyway.

    Go buy one if you want one. Don't if you don't. And don't judge a man solely on his choice of handset or OS any more than you would on his preference of pasty filling*

    *but if you happen to be one of those who likes cheese in his Cornish delight: you're not welcome around here.

  19. Sixtysix

    Jumped the Shark

    Seriously.

    These two phones seem to prove that the regular release are more about milking cows than changing the world.

    And sadly that seems to apply to most of the top Smartphones, except that the other big player does at least provide their variants with truly distinguishing "features" even if most of them are so niche that they approach pointless.

    Hopefully we can jump off the "it's faster" bandwagon soon and get real improvements like more memory and cheaper prices. Cannot BELIEVE that a £350 phone is considered "mid market" - for me that's about DOUBLE what I'm prepared to pay if it would last three years!

    So no surprise that I own A Kogan Agora (spotted here on El Reg) and am quite content with both the device and it's limitations.

  20. Philomena Cunk

    Yay, fingerprint tracking.

    This: http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/7528/6toq.jpg

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Reg hack in screaming ab-dabs clickbait shocker

    C'mon then, delete this comment ;-)

    1. oolor

      Re: Reg hack in screaming ab-dabs clickbait shocker

      You really should've posted under your handle, have a useless up-vote anyhow.

  22. Ian Davies

    What a pile of immature excrement.

    Thanks for giving me the final push I needed to shitcan the Reg from my RSS feeds.

    As someone said above, the articles here used to be quirky, fun, irreverent but *informed*. Now it's just wankers venting their anger and self loathing because they write for a crappy website.

    1. Lamont Cranston
      Thumb Up

      Re: What a pile of immature excrement.

      I liked because it was angry. Most amusing. I don't normally bother with the SFTW? column, but this was superb.

      1. JeffyPoooh Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: What a pile of immature excrement.

        "I liked because it was angry. Most amusing. ..."

        Yes, exactly. El Reg are the 'Northern Rage Comics' of the Tech News world.

        It's comedy.

    2. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: What a pile of immature excrement.

      Lucky this isn't an article then?

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The next small thing...

    We, as humans, love being surprised and "wow-ed". Now, all we're getting from Apple is, "meh....seen it!"

    When the bicycle was first invented it was impressive, now, not so much; It exists in millions of flavours and well, seen one, seen them all.

    It's like a new grille on the front of a Vauxhall / Opel Corsa, only a big deal to the "enthusiast". What happens when your existing tech DOES everything you need it to? You stay with what you have. This should be regarded as nothing more than a "refresh" and Apple are relying on Apple enthusiasts buying "the new one" and maybe a colourful one for the kids.

    Apple - to get your mojo back, you need "the next big thing" and as I'm a nice person, I'll give you a big clue, it's not a watch! Twunts.

    Who'd have thought Apple would end up resorting to "me too" syndrome....?

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Noel Clarke

    I think Noel Clarke's tweet summed up the market Apple aim at.

    To paraphrase his missive (with apologies) :

    Whatever it is, as long as it has an Apple logo, I'm buying it.

    Introducing......the iTurd

  25. ukgnome Silver badge
    Devil

    chavs, rappers and hoes

    I can't help but agree with Dabbs

    Now this may get downvotes, and I don't give one single fudge.

    The iPhone used to be about style, design. It had a sexy chic all of its own. It helped reinvent the mobile phone. And whilst I am not a fanboi I do appreciate what they did. But enough of the same old shit painted different colours. I now buy phones that are not readily available in the UK, phones that look good and are quirky, phones that scream nerd. And apple simply do not scream nerd, they scream herd.

    1. Piro

      Re: chavs, rappers and hoes

      My phone is so USDM that it has a bloody Verizon logo on it. I've never even been to the states.

      Thank you ebay.

  26. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

    Count the fanbois

    Rather than critique the content of the article, they choose to mock the author's obviously comedic writing style and character before threatening to leave El Reg for good.

    What's the matter? Have you finally realised that owning an Apple product doesn't make you special or more important than anyone else? Does this make you feel like the world doesn't care about you? Guess what - it doesn't.

    The rest of the world (that is, us non-Apple owners) have for quite some time observed the cycle of hype and over-pricing. We have laughed behind our hands at the gullible who somehow think that what they are buying is 'superior' simply because it is sold by one corporate entity, rather than another. Guess what - the iPhone is more expensive than its competitors because you are prepared to pay more for it, not because you are 'paying for quality'.

    God forbid anyone should attempt to shatter your illusion, because then they must be the frustrated self-loathing wankers, as one poster above so eruditely refers to the author of this article...

    1. JeffyPoooh Silver badge

      Re: Count the fanbois

      Re: iPhones assumed to be more expensive

      Here in the cold colonies, I hadn't really noticed that the Apple iPhones were significantly more expensive than the compatible top-end competitors. They're all about $250 when bought under a two-year contract. You choose whatever ecosystem you want, the phones are all about the same price.

      Since its a bit utterly pointless to have a smartphone without a generous (e.g. 6GB/month) data plan, and the monthly fee doesn't change much with or without a brand new subsidized phone every two years, your point about how "expensive" iPhones are is not really supported by the facts (although YMMV).

      Granted: the guys at work with Android phones generally take the tight Scottish approach. They typically have a 100MB (0.1GB LOL!!) per month data plan. So they have a nice Android phone (e.g. a Nexus 4 for - again - $250, Contract Free), but then they can't really use it due to their tight fisted approach. They're so hardware centric and tight, they forgot that there's a larger purpose (actually using it in locations other than wifi hotspots).

      In summary: The total cost for a smartphone (one that is useful and actually connected to the 'net via a generous and honestly useful data plan) is dominated by the monthly fee (~$50). The hardware is effectively about $10 per month (pay $250 every two years) for your choice of phone. Within this environment, the cost of the various desirable phones are all about the same, and relatively negligible.

      Hmmm... Does this explain why so many of the unwashed masses cluster around wifi hotspots like bugs around a light? Perhaps if they didn't spend $8 a day on mocha-latte, then they could afford an actual mobile data plan.

      Sorry if this is a bit complicated.

      PS: Not a fanboi. We have many Apple, Android, and Blackberry gadgets.

      1. EPurpl3

        Re: Count the fanbois

        Omg, what a dumb comment.

        So you want to pay more for a worse hardware (than a s4) with a Android clone OS (iOS7) to pay after that even more for data plans when everybody knows that the most iphone fans are posers, they don't really use the phone. Now that's dumb.

  27. Nanners

    NIce way

    to get your name on the internet. FAIL.

  28. bag o' spanners
    Devil

    Layzangennermen, we have a Winner!

    Check out Charles Arthur's schoolmasterly dissertation while sucking his pre-emptive drool back into his face on the Graun's video. It's like watching an old cardboard box collapsing in a thunderstorm. Only less exciting.

  29. briesmith

    Compensayshun shurely?

    If I laugh so much reading an article that I physically damage myself can I sue? And this lawyer ambulance chasing malarkey. Who does all the running? If the ambulance runs over the lawyer do you get points? What about if you actually catch the ambulance? That must be worth something surely?

    Still laughing. Painfully.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I have a 2nd-hand 3GS 16GB which won't run iOS7 and want a 5 or better for the screen/ratio.

    Can I safely buy a white 5C without fear of too much ridicule?

    The £80 price difference is of course not enough, but I'd rather have £80 than a few features that are of no interest to me anyway (as I saw it funky Flash, Fingerprint reader and Motion...)

    Even a 5 is still £400....

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Can I safely buy a white 5C without fear of too much ridicule?"

      Depends where you live.

      Scotland - no problem except the usual banter from the Androids.

      Shanghai - hide in shame. Or wait a week and buy a knock-off "iPhone 6GSx 2.0 Turbo" with a 9-inch screen.

  31. adrian lynch

    hatstand

    Did Someone release a new phone?

    It was good to be reminded of Roger Irrelevant. 'He's completely hatstand'. Still in use as an adjective in my house.

  32. cortland

    Vomit?

    NOTHING to do with the 'phone; what did the writer's on-target characterization of the frantic blogging about it bring to mind?

    Projectile Opinionating.

    Congratulations.

  33. implicateorder

    I used to work for a company that sold samsung galaxy phones and no iPhones. I had the "newest" (back then) Galaxy II phone and after 6 months of use, the battery would drain after 15 minutes of talk time or the phone would simply mysteriously locked and only way to fix it was to yank the battery and insert it back in.

    This was true with all my other colleagues who used those infernal devices...they simply sucked a$$.

    After leaving that wireless telco, I bought my first iPhone (a 4s). It has been rock solid, does what it needs to. My 5 year old can use it to play games or cartoons on netflix when we are driving, etc. The battery life is excellent and things just work.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I've got an iphone 3G, its battery life is a bit rubbish now. Wouldn't it be nice if I could get to the battery without having to prise the case apart and dismantle most of the insides?

    2. M Gale

      Xperia Arc S here, from when it was "Sony Ericsson". Still working, though a bit long in the tooth now perhaps.

      Not a perfect phone, but still damned fine. Dual GLONASS/GPS before the Applistas ever thought of the idea, and the ancient, replaceable battery still gets me all day if I don't hammer it. Camera's awesome for a 2011-vintage phone, pretty good even for a bleeding-edge new smartphone, and it can actually make calls while being held like a phone, unlike the iPhone 4 that it went up against.

      I'll probably be getting a replacement in the next year or two, simply to take advantage of multiple cores and stupidly high-res screens (as if the current phone isn't high enough). However, this ol' Arc S still gets appreciative comments, mostly on the size and clarity of the screen. It really is eye-searingly bright and razor-sharp.

      Oh, and it seems to play almost every video file I throw at it. All without being tied into some PC-based bloatware.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Yeah, the Arc is a good phone!

    3. Chet Mannly

      "I used to work for a company that sold samsung galaxy phones and no iPhones. I had the "newest" (back then) Galaxy II phone and after 6 months of use, the battery would drain after 15 minutes of talk time or the phone would simply mysteriously locked and only way to fix it was to yank the battery and insert it back in."

      So you used to sell mobile phones and had absolutely no idea how to use them then? Or is this just fanboi delusions?

      I had a Galaxy S2 for over 2 years, still used the original battery and I'd get a day and a half out of it easy. Only replaced it after dropping it and cracking the screen.

  34. DougS Silver badge

    iPhone leaks

    I'm rather surprised Apple doesn't have a few next generation iPhones in development, the real one and a few decoys to throw people off the scent. It tends to make the announcements rather anticlimactic when everything is already known.

    The only thing that wasn't well known was the A7 being 64 bit, there was a bit of speculation but it didn't reach the certainty level of the fingerprint sensor in the home button and new gold color option.

    1. Chet Mannly

      Re: iPhone leaks

      "It tends to make the announcements rather anticlimactic when everything is already known"

      Its called free publicity...

  35. Mr Marshall

    One of the few articles I have read that left me smiling

    I have to agree with every word. I honestly hope Apple fall apart. Greedy and monotomous.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: One of the few articles I have read that left me smiling

      upvote for reminding me of university geology (even if by mistake)

  36. Daniel B.
    Coffee/keyboard

    Chav Phone hahahaha

    This article had me laughing really loud at the office. The line about the 5S appealing to chavs, rappers & hoes had most of my coworkers laughing as well.

  37. Bob Sanders

    5S + 5C = 5meh

    The S in the 5S means Stagnant and the c in the 5C means Complacent.

    Yes I do not own or want to own an Apple product but that is my choice. However I used to enjoy seeing what Apple came out with to push the development from other phones.

    But now Apple is either playing catch-up or taking baby steps that are not revolutionary. Has all of their employees with ideas left the company? Or is innovation in this market DOA and it's down to tuning what is there ... to squeeze out an extra 20 minutes of battery life or make Siri able to talk like Sponge Bob? Or has Apple become like Microsoft and focusing on profits over innovation by releasing a few "new" things just to keep the profits coming in? (Hopefully not the last one we don't need a Big Step-Brother)

  38. randommagic

    Dunno why your all complaining. Apple was never known for innovation they are known for making things that just work. All the substance is in the design not the innovation. Design something that looks good and people will buy it in droves. They made a nice operating system but its never been known to do lots or have lots of features but its stable and does exactly what they say it does. I think too many people are expecting them to come up with another outstanding product but they won't because they have already made it on the first model. The upside to that was everyone else got the chance to see what something decent should look like and made the effort to improve. If they hadn't we would probably still be using that horrid windows mobile and a stupid stylus.

    1. Chet Mannly

      "Apple was never known for innovation"

      Really? Development of the first widespread GUI? Incorporating a mouse into PCs? Did you miss all that "Think Different" promotion they used to do? Apple suing everyone for stealing their "innovations"?

      Whether you think Apple actually are innovative they most definitely promote themselves as being that way - remember the "magical" ipad? the "revolutionary" app store?

  39. John Wright

    Where has the funny footnote gone?

    I like that bit.

    e.g Alistair Dabbs is a freelance technology tart, juggling IT journalism, editorial training and digital publishing. He has a propensity for breaking wristwatches in everyday accidents. He once regailed an eskimo party with an anecdote about buying and subsequently breaking more watches than they’d had hot dinners.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      >> Where has the funny footnote gone?

      I don't know but I suspect that its non-appearance confused several readers into thinking this was a news story. No wonder they thought it was poor.

      1. Alistair Dabbs

        Re: >> Where has the funny footnote gone?

        OK, here's the sign-off that I wrote:

        ---

        Alistair Dabbs is a freelance technology tart, juggling IT journalism, editorial training and digital publishing. He feels jaded by the iPhone 5 Sucks Cocks launch and wishes he could get back the oh-I-want-one-yes-I-do yearning that he felt when the original iPhone came out. His next handset might be an Android after all.

        ---

  40. OldWarrior

    Cmon Say what you Really Mean

    LMAO One would think you were actually being nice if they had actually handled one of these. AAPL's miserly spending on R&D really shows now, as the Exec's loot the Hoard by giving each other bonuses ans Stock Options, the company sinks into irrelevance. AAPL is a "Momentum" stock, and this week has shown which way the momentum is going.

  41. Mike Campbell 1
    Happy

    Pedantry Rules

    Unless I'm very much "misteaken" Alistair & John Wright mean "regaled".

    Both iPhone models will sell well.

    My iPhone 4s is in a bright yellow Spigen SGP case.

    Will be replaced in January with a 64GB 5s probably in another bright SGP case; if they are still in business.

    And yes, I really am colour blind but at least all my devices are scratch free.

  42. ReefMSX

    Parody or Truth?

    In the article you say the video is a parody. Is it really a parody if it's true?

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I got an iPhone 6

    It's called an HTC One.

  44. Infernoz Bronze badge
    Happy

    Just watch the film "Branded"

    It sums up just how diabolical brand 'culture' has always been; people just become branded consumer cattle, vapid people, so both brands and consumers become ripe targets for satire.

    Loved the satire in this article and video :)

    I am amused how Nicholas Taleb rips into this newness 'culture' in his book Anti-Fragile, even his own, and his discussion of how the older something is, the more likely it is to last well over it's age again, unless it is obviously coming to an end.

    1. bag o' spanners
      Pint

      Re: Just watch the film "Branded"

      Probably true. The older it is, the longer it lasts. Sewing machines in particular, because function is far more important than form when it comes to being productive.

      Unfortunately, the march to instant obsolescence and brand-junkie repeat custom has deprived us of military spec components in most of our consumer electronics, and introduced a volume of intentional fragility to modern design. If a piece of kit works properly I'm not going to replace it with something shinier and vastly more expensive, simply in order to meet facile crypto-conformist expectations..

      My beer tokens can always be spent on something more useful than keeping up with the Jobses.

  45. Zack Mollusc

    Regailed? Mr Dabbs should put the breaks on his slide into illiteracy before he looses his job. I thought old gits could spell?

    1. Alister Silver badge
      FAIL

      I really. really hope you were doing it deliberately, otherwise your Fail is immense

  46. 2Fat2Bald

    Why did reading that article remind me of the misspent youth reading "Your Sinclair?"

    Possibly because of the "Totally Hatstand" comment, actually.

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Anybody who is complaining is an idiot

    If you're even vaguely aware of Apple's product history/cycle then you wouldn't be surprised (and thus complain) about the 5S being largely similar to the 5.

    I mean, seriously, there was the 4S, and the 3GS before that. How ignorant can a person be that he's bowled over by Apple releasing a 5S that looks like a 5?

    Also, the 5 is twice as fast and has twice the memory of the 5, among other obvious things. Why is it that releasing what amounts to a computer that's twice as fast now considered not changing anything?

    If Intel released a chip that was twice as fast as the current ones, message boards wouldn't be flooded with posts about Intel always recycling the same crap over and over and never innovating. We'd be beating a path to Newegg to order one. But Apple makes something twice as fast and nobody at all is impressed. (And BTW, the 5S is likely going to be at least 50% faster than current Android phones, considering the 5 is still pretty competitive with the SGS4 on the benchmarks...)

    1. EPurpl3

      Re: Anybody who is complaining is an idiot

      Well, 5s is ugly and even though is twice as fast as 5 is still rubbish compared to s4. So you have proved that not only that 5s is not great but also that 5 was garbage.

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Haha, this article made my day... too bad I have read this at 6pm

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