back to article Five SECRET products Apple won't show today

Apple will this week announce something, probably a new iPhone or two. But during The Reg's recent travels in Asia we've spotted some Apple products that haven't been the subject of endless rumours. We suspect these products are so secret Apple itself doesn't know about them. But that won't stop us bringing you – and Apple's …

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  1. jake Silver badge

    Who the hell cares?

    Nobody with a brain buys into over-priced crap.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Who the hell cares?

      Indeed people with intelligent brains buy products where the main OS isn't written in Java (so it's security isn't destroyed by putting it on a device it wasn't designed for).

      1. .stu

        Re: Who the hell cares?

        Actually I would say smartphones and tablets are pretty much EXACTLY what Java (or Oak) was originally designed for, along with set top boxes and smart fridges, etc. Certainly not enterprise stuff.

      2. poopypants

        @AC 07:12 (Re: Who the hell cares?)

        Android is built on top of Linux, and a large portion of it is written in C. There are also swaths of code written in C++. It is only the application framework (the stuff you see on screen) that is written in Java.

        (This comment has been brought to you by the Please Use Google to Avoid Demonstrating Your Ignorance Society).

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: @AC 07:12 (Who the hell cares?)

          Macs are built on BSD Unix, mostly C++ and C (as Objective-C compiles down to plain old C) and as such is very secure.

          However put Java on it and the security has more holes in it than swiss cheese, hence why new macs no longer ship with Java preinstalled.

          I like Java, I have programmed in it for many years and I think it is a great language to teach good OOP habits (unlike C++) and a pleasant language to use.

          If someone however asked me if they should use it in a production environment I'd laugh in their face. In order to make Java secure it needs a complete rewrite from the ground up (not constant patching that currently happens).

          To sum up if you lock up your house securely but leave the front door key under the front door mat you are asking for trouble.

          If you put Java on a secure system you need to really do your homework and unfortunately Google have been watching the TV instead http://www.theregister.co.uk/2013/07/25/malicious_android_master_key_apps_found_in_china_symantec/

          1. Great Bu

            Re: @AC 07:12 (Who the hell cares?)

            Yes, I must say that the security of the operating system is my primary concern when I am looking to invest the thick end of £13 in an iPodalike (or a pair of flip flops.........)

          2. Andy Nugent

            Re: @AC 07:12 (Who the hell cares?)

            What's a vulnerability in the app signing mechanism got to do with the language the app was written in?

          3. brainbone
            Facepalm

            Re: @AC 09:48 (Java security on Android)

            AC says "In order to make Java secure it needs a complete rewrite from the ground up (not constant patching that currently happens)."

            You do know that Android doesn't use Oracle's JVM, right? It uses Dalvik JVM -- Dalvik doesn't have the same security issues that Oracle's JVM has -- and it doesn't run in a browser on Android -- the main attack vector when using Oracle's JVM.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: @AC 09:48 (Java security on Android)

              Still has loads of security issues and didn't Oracle sue them as they lifted loads of code from the original Java?

              :P

              1. M Gale

                Re: @AC 09:48 (Java security on Android)

                didn't Oracle sue them as they lifted loads of code from the original Java?

                Tried and failed. AFAIK, the headers were copied (ie: function names/declarations), but the implementation is all Google.

              2. brainbone

                Re: @AC 09:48 (Java security on Android)

                Please tell point me to these "loads of security issues" in Android's Dalvik JVM. Android has security issues, but I haven't seen Dalvik pointed out as the attack vector for these issues.

                And read up on exactly what Oracle's suit was about, and why they effectively lost. A nine-line rangeCheck function, and the "structure, sequence and organization of the Java Application Programming Interface (API)" does not make a JVM, nor does it equal "loads" of code.

        2. Steve Knox
          Happy

          @poopypants

          >(This comment has been brought to you by the Please Use Google to Avoid Demonstrating Your Ignorance Society).

          Unfortunately, in this case, the ignorance was related to Android, which is a Google product. So AC was just being cautious, as he didn't want to break the internet by Googling Google, albeit indirectly.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Who the hell cares?

      The average person doesn't have a complete brain, two legs, two arms...etc

      :)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Who the hell cares?

      Did you even READ the article?!

    4. JDX Gold badge

      Nobody with a brain buys into over-priced crap.

      It's a conundrum how you need to be rather wealthy to buy Apple stuff then, given that outside the world of sport it's rather hard to earn big bucks without a brain.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Nobody with a brain buys into over-priced crap.

        I was in Mensa, but I dropped out because the members were just a little bit boring. My estimated IQ is reportedly deep into the range needing 8-bits to express. I've got an iPhone *and* an Android phone (and tablet). The Nexus tablet is perfect, but the cheap Android phone is a bit - well - crap. Overpriced iPhones? I hadn't really noticed. About the same as one tire for my luxury saloon.

        1. oolor

          Re: Nobody with a brain buys into over-priced crap.

          >About the same as one tire for my luxury saloon.

          So you drive some over-riced imported scrap?

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Who the hell cares?

      No-one with a brain just looks at the purchase cost - it's TCO you need to be concerned with which is cost to buy, depreciation, support costs etc.

      For a business the purchase cost is often a small part of the total cost.

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Who the hell cares?

      "Who the hell cares?

      Nobody with a brain buys into over-priced crap."

      You forget! There are millions of mindless zombies out their desperately searching for their indentity

      by purchasing one!

      1. JDX Gold badge

        Re: Who the hell cares?

        "You forget! There are millions of mindless zombies out their desperately searching for their indentity by purchasing one!"

        Get off the keyboard, and get some fresh air. It will do you good.

    7. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Who the hell cares?

      Jake,

      You cared enough to troll with a post devoid of intelligent content. :-/

    8. Uffish

      Re: Who the hell cares?

      @Jake

      "Nobody with a brain buys into over-priced crap."

      I just upvoted your post because an entirely reasonable statement doesn't deserve all those downvotes.

      Whether Apple products should be considered as overpriced crap is debatable but there is a case to be made depending on your requirements and the way these requirements would be met (or not) by Apple products. So, upvote.

    9. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Who the hell cares?

      BMW, Mercedes, Porsche?

      Certainly "crap" that is very overpriced if your use case is DIY repairs or cheapness. Not much use on roads where the average speed is 10MPH.

  2. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Joke

    Next

    the iCannotBelieveItsNotAnApple

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Next

      I always thought Utterly Butterly was the most brilliant name of all.

      But Utterly Appley doesn't quite work. Awesomely Appley perhaps? Or if one's feeling less definite Apparently Appley...

      1. Goldmember

        Re: Next

        "I always thought Utterly Butterly was the most brilliant name of all."

        Ooh I don't know, "you'd butter believe it" has to be up there with the best.

        1. Wize

          Re: Next

          After tasting the aforementioned spread, I can believe its not butter. Its fooling no one with its taste.

          1. A J Stiles

            Re: Next

            Quite true. "I can't believe anybody thinks it's anything like butter" would have been a better name. The taste of actual butter, especially on Panasonic-baked bread toasted under gas, is simply beyond imitation.

            The clue should be in the fact that it's made using buttermilk -- which is the stuff you throw away after making butter. It has by definition about as much capacity to impart a butter-like taste as the capacity of apple wood to impart a cider-like taste.

            (Hey, maybe that's how they brew S*******w!)

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Next

              I'm waiting for the Continuity Jobsians to appear. Not such a natty logo though.

            2. Peter Gathercole Silver badge
              WTF?

              @AJ Styles

              Well, they make white cider by passing diluted grain alcohol over the remains of the apple pulp after it's been squeezed dry of real juice. Probably imparts as much flavour as using the wood.

              What the hell is going on here with the "Add an icon" tab? What was wrong with having the icons below the post! Has somebody at ElReg been drinking the Metro/Unity cool-aid?

        2. Ash!
          Joke

          Re: Utterly Butterly

          My auntie Marge has been ill for ages - I can't believe she's not better...

          1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
            Joke

            Re: Utterly Butterly

            Julian Assange has undergone a psychological examination, and been ruled to be normal and as sane as you or I. I can't believe he's not nutter...

            1. Martin Budden Bronze badge
              Coat

              Re: Utterly Butterly

              My partner wants me to throw out all the useful bits and pieces I have collected in my shed. She can't believe it's not clutter.

      2. Prof Denzil Dexter
        Coat

        Re: Next

        Crappily Appley?

      3. Narlaquin

        Re: Next

        Well, if it's got the Apple hipsterness, then surely "Fap-ably Appley"

    2. oolor

      Re: Next

      >iCannotBelieveItsNotAnApple

      iCannotBelieveItsNotApple S.

      There, fixed that for you.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Singaporean Shuffle rip-off

    Sim Lim is really the best place to get ripped off as a Caucasian (though I believe those dodgy thieves will also try to gouge you if you're Asian too) since I saw those shuffle-ish players in Guardian (chemist chain) last year for SGD15.

    1. Cliff

      Re: Singaporean Shuffle rip-off

      Depends what you're buying and depends on the floor! Ground floor cameras etc can be somewhat fast and loose, but summer of the higher floor back (where all the fixit places are) have some straightforward dealers found straightforward deals. My Mrs hates Sim Lim, I love it and it's bustly geekiness.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Devil

        Re: Sim Lim

        I love it too. Across the road is the even more geeky Sim LIm Towers devoted more to the component business.

        Funan Digital Mall is a more laid-back, posher alternative, and has a walkway to Adelphi Mall, where you can spend more on hifi than you ever thought possible --- and where you may meet some ladies who offer to, err, massage away your feelings of guilt for having done so.

  4. F. Svenson

    Speling iz harrd.

    Cincinnati.

  5. gautam

    Dont Criticise Apple

    Fan boys are ready to be mugged today at the mugfest. (happily so).

    1. Ted Treen
      FAIL

      Re: Dont Criticise Apple

      "Dont Criticise Apple"

      Criticise Apple all you like:- all we ask is that it's a valid, rational and considered criticism - rather than the tribal "I'm too cool to like Apple & all Apple users are plebs" juvenile rantings generally found on any Reg article which mentions Apple/Foxconn/Cupertino/etc.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Dont Criticise Apple

        all we ask is that it's a valid, rational and considered criticism - rather than the tribal "I'm too cool to like Apple & all Apple users are plebs" juvenile rantings

        .. ironically displaying the devoidness of thought they accuse Apple users of.

        It's OK, though. I'm confident that will disappear the moment they reach maturity..

        Yes, I'm going for downvotes. Why? :)

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Friend with a high end Android phone that went faulty - had to send it away - was going to be 3+ weeks so he had to buy another one. Loads of hassle and ended up buying a replacement - most people using a phone for work could not manage without it for 3 weeks. iPhone user has a faulty phone and you go into a store and typically get it replaced there and then.

    Cost him time and far more than the iPhone would have cost - so 'service' has to be factored in.

    Another friend has an Android phone that crashes all the time - misses calls, wastes time and probably costs him business - so reliability and having control over the hardware and OS is a bonus. So purchase cost is only one element of ownership.

    1. Shrimpling

      So the best selling point of a iPhone is when it breaks you can get a replacement the same day if you live near an apple shop?

      1. Spleen
        Flame

        "So the best selling point of a iPhone is when it breaks you can get a replacement the same day if you live near an apple shop?"

        If it hasn't burnt your house down.

        Also, in case no-one's said it already, the two extra clicks required to add an icon now are bloody stupid and completely pointless.

    2. Simon Barker

      I'm not following the point you're trying to make, are you saying that Apple makes perfect phones and you're more likely to run into problems using something else?

      So far the only phone I've ever owned that died on a software update was an iPhone and the replacement had a wonky home button. Not to mention this was after having to book an appointment they then kept me waiting for (those Apple stores are practically a punishment in themselves!).

      Joking aside I do think Apple is generally one of the better companies when it comes to repair/replacement but you're paying for that privilege and TCO is a hard thing to nail down, I could argue that the outdated design of iOS would waste more of my time than the alternatives...

    3. Cliff

      What are these 'Android Phones' of which you speak?

      I only see Samsung phones, HTC phones, Sony phones.

      Are they related to those iOS6 phones you can buy?

    4. Steve Knox
      FAIL

      *Yawn*

      So you have 3 friends, all of whom who bought crap phones, and one had a slightly less horrible time of it.

      Got any non-anecdotal evidence to share?

  7. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
    Happy

    That watchphone is so classy. I must have one now! I will be the envy of all my friends, if only I can get hold of one.

    I'm sure the gold colour on the bracelet won't come off on my arm, and that it'll work perfectly, giving me trouble-free service for years.

    1. Cliff

      The gold colour may not come off on your arm, but the strange smelling green patches will be a sure indication that you chose well...

  8. Gene Cash Silver badge

    Camdodian?

    Is that a city on Kerbal?

    1. BorkedAgain

      Re: Camdodian?

      Pretty sure it's the capital city of Knotty Ash.

  9. Chika

    Ashens fodder for the future!

    Hello!

    An Excellent Article

  10. smartypants

    Utterly Butterly...

    I have a cunning plan to launch my own 'butter substitute' that would taste even better.

    It would just be butter, but I'd use a massive load of advertising bullshit to convince people that it isn't, just so they could rave about how much like the real thing it tastes.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: Utterly Butterly...

      That would make you dastardly bastardly...

    2. Wyrdness

      Re: Utterly Butterly...

      What you'd actually discover is that they'd rant about how utterly unbuttery it tastes.

      1. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

        Re: Utterly Butterly...

        Well it's got to be better than that new low-fat Eucharist wafer the Catholic church is rolling out in some areas---they're calling it "I can't believe it's not Jesus".

  11. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    You could probably see all this stuff on sale in Canal Street, NYC.

    I had a colleague years ago who delighted in seeing how many genuine Rolex watches he could score for ten dollars on Canal Street. He was a consultant based in Minneapolis and would return there each weekend bearing priceless gifts from New York.

  12. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    Excellent

    I would definitely buy the iPho tee shirt. Somebody should set up a stand the Clarendon neighborhood of Arlington, Virginia, in between the remaining Vietnamese restaurants and the Apple store. Or maybe it should be on the far side of the restaurant, so that one can acquire the appropriate stains first.

    And I realize that you're focused on Asia, but let me mention the "iBoard" that I saw for sale in the Tallinn town square a few weeks ago--a cutting board with a familiar emblem embedded in the surface.

  13. Henry Wertz 1 Gold badge

    Production costs, and programming languages.

    "At $SGD25 a pair, these 4GB beauties are under $US20 or just £12.50, a sum so small it is hard to believe it is possible to sell them at a profit."

    Oh I believe it, and it makes it all the more ridiculous what Apple charges for them. I think you'll find the manufacturing cost for one of these to be closer to $5.

    "Criticise Apple all you like:- all we ask is that it's a valid, rational and considered criticism - rather than the tribal "I'm too cool to like Apple & all Apple users are plebs" juvenile rantings"

    I stay out of it generally, but the problem is the Apple fanbois then go on pro-Apple rants (claiming Apple "invented" or "reinvented" products they didn't, altering history to claim vendors copy features from Apple even when those features turned up in their products before Apple's, claiming they can do no wrong and that design flaws don't exist or are features, and on and on.)

    "Macs are built on BSD Unix, mostly C++ and C (as Objective-C compiles down to plain old C) and as such is very secure."

    BSD UNIX is secure because UNIXen have taken security seriously ever since the Morris worm of the late 1980s, numerous security flaws have been fixed in the last 25 years. C and C++ are probably the worst languages to use if security is the prime consideration.

    "However put Java on it and the security has more holes in it than swiss cheese, hence why new macs no longer ship with Java preinstalled."

    It was actually because Apple insisted on keeping control over Java updates for OSX, and were usually 6 months to a year (or more) behind the official Java version. Compared to C and C++, Java is a bank vault. Not that I disagree with the decision, if someone gets a Java-using app they can install Java then, no reason to have it sitting there being vulnerable the rest of the time.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Production costs, and programming languages.

      "BSD UNIX is secure because UNIXen have taken security seriously ever since the Morris worm of the late 1980s, numerous security flaws have been fixed in the last 25 years. C and C++ are probably the worst languages to use if security is the prime consideration."

      That is a discordant comment, Henry Wertz 1.

      The BSDs (including OS X), and Linux are both built on K&R C with inline assembler. C++? Maybe not so much ... C++ is not useful when working close to the silicon. IMO, anyway.

      When security is a prime issue, hire adult programmers. K&R works fine, if you know what you are doing. Management hiring kids is a management problem, not a programming issue.

      As a side-note, the Morris worm was not kernel related.

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