back to article Gourmet chemists sniff out ultimate cheese on toast

The splendidly monikered British Cheese Board has launched a search for the "perfect cheese on toast formula" - a quest that will nicely complement our own efforts to nail the ultimate bacon sarnie and pinnacle of cha perfection. The board is seeking submissions from Brits, who have the chance to win "a top-of-the-range …

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  1. Smallbrainfield
    Happy

    When I'm feeling frisky, I like to add pepperoni under the cheese for that budget pizza taste.

    For the Hestons amongst you, before adding the cheese, spread a layer of pesto on the toast, then add the cheese and some Worcestershire sauce. Works well with a good mature cheddar or tasty Lancashire cheese (not too hard or it doesn't melt properly).

    I love cheese on toast.

    1. LPF
      Thumb Down

      Re: When I'm feeling frisky, I like to add pepperoni under the cheese for that budget pizza taste.

      @Smallbrainfield - you made me cry .. are you happy now :(

      1. Smallbrainfield

        Re: When I'm feeling frisky, I like to add pepperoni under the cheese for that budget pizza taste.

        I don't know whether to be happy or not, why are you crying?

    2. AbortRetryFail
      WTF?

      Re: When I'm feeling frisky, I like to add pepperoni under the cheese for that budget pizza taste.

      Apparently, when pizza was first introduced to the UK in the 1950's, it was initially marketed as "Italian Welsh Rarebit".

    3. Lloyd
      Alert

      Re: When I'm feeling frisky, I like to add pepperoni under the cheese for that budget pizza taste.

      Nah, toast the bread, spread a bit of marmite on it, put the cheese on, sling it under the grill until it just starts melting and then bung some worcestershire on top, chuck it back under until it crisps up a bit.

      I could bloody murder a cheese on toast about now, or possibly a cheese, worcestershire sauce and baked bean toastie.

      1. Fink-Nottle
        Thumb Up

        Re: toast the bread, spread a bit of marmite on it, put the cheese on, sling it under the grill

        That's it - thread over!

        Everyone can go home now.

        1. MJI Silver badge

          Re: toast the bread, spread a bit of marmite on it, put the cheese on, sling it under the grill

          Poisonous

          Do not poison it

          Two of them

          Marmite

          AND

          Baked farts

          Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My version of cheese on toast : Make it in the grill, toast the bread on one side, perhaps lightly toast the other side oe leave it untoasted. Add slices of strong vintage cheddar to the non toasted / lightly toasted side and melt until it starts to brown. Then spread some HP sauce on it and sprinkle with white pepper.

    This is how it should be done !

    1. Tom 38 Silver badge

      Put two slices of bread into one slice of the toaster to toast the underside.

      Crack two eggs in a bowl and beat until mixed

      Add:

      lots of Lee & Perrins

      grated cheese

      ketchup

      black pepper.

      Mix ingredients well in bowl

      Spread thin layer of whole grain mustard on the untoasted side of the toast

      Cover liberally with the cheese

      Grill until bubbly

      More black pepper

  3. James Pickett
    FAIL

    So, a foodie competition is to be judged by a chemist and a bunch of poets? Sounds about right...

    FWIW, smallbrainfield's recipe sounds pretty good, but our national culinary skills must be a bit lacking if competitions have to be run to discover how to make cheese on toast!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @James Pickett

      >but our national culinary skills must be a bit lacking if competitions have to be run to discover how to make cheese on toast

      Oh, listen to la-di-da know-it-all Pickett there. Personally I need a cook book even before attempting such a culinary feast, preferably one with pictures, as I can never quite remember whether the cheese goes on top or underneath.

      1. wowfood

        Re: @James Pickett

        It depends, if you're a zuke it goes on top, if you're a Yook it goes on top, if you're a Zook it goes on bottom, those filthy uncultured zooks.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Been to a British* pub or restaurant lately? Cheese on toast is about the absolute limit of British cooking skill. Unless you want something that's been blasted in a microwave.

      Dear god - you lot even manage to screw kebabs up, and that takes effort! It's like you are determined to eat the cheapest processed cat anuses (or whatever they use in those kebab monstrosities) rather than risk actual real food.

      *That's if you can find anywhere selling British food and not sub-standard "Mediterranean inspired fusion" or some twaddle.

      1. TeeCee Gold badge
        Meh

        Dear god - you lot even manage to screw kebabs up...

        I beg to differ. The same elephant's-foot-onna-stick is used most places for the meat side of it. What I miss from Blighty is serious, arse-burning chilli sauce. You don't seem to be able to get that anywhere else.

        Elsewhere in Europe you can actually taste the Doner meat. That's just wrong......

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          I am used to seeing real, actual meat on the spit. Not processed cat anus. I have only ever seen the processed cat anus log used in the UK.

          1. Smallbrainfield
            Pint

            You dodged the issue of where you're from nicely there..

            You can get real meat kebabs in the UK, used to go to a place in Sheffield that did amazing lamb kebabs with big chunks of lamb, mmmmmm.

            Sounds like most of your English eating experiences have been post-pub. When your hangover subsides, have a look round and there are some fabulous eating places in GB.

            1. Tom 38 Silver badge

              Re: You dodged the issue of where you're from nicely there..

              You can get real meat kebabs in the UK, used to go to a place in Sheffield that did amazing lamb kebabs with big chunks of lamb, mmmmmm.

              You can get quality meat kebabs in almost every single kebab house in the UK, just stop ordering doner, get yourself a nice shish kebab.

              The Greek gyros is good, but is commonly pork, where as in the UK most kebab shops are run by Muslims and so tend to offer lamb/chicken instead of pork/chicken. If anyone knows a good greek gyros place in London...

          2. Richard 81

            "I am used to seeing real, actual meat on the spit."

            OK, so you're not American then. I wonder where you are from since elephant's foots are ubiquitous; I've seen them in Paris FFS. Actually I quite like the way the German's eat donor meat: in a big bread roll or rolled up in a tortilla.

            @Smallbrainfield: Yeah Sheffield has some very nice Turkish restaurants.

            1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

              I quite like the way the German's eat donor meat

              The doner kebab seems to have been invented in Germany, although the inventor was probably Turkish.

              Incidentally, it's doner, not donor. "Donor kebabs" are what they make from bits of organ donors.

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              "OK, so you're not American then."

              Damned straight, partner.

              "I wonder where you are from since elephant's foots are ubiquitous; I've seen them in Paris FFS."

              All over. Which is why I despair at the UK sometimes, I really do.

              Maybe I should jack IT in and start selling proper kebabs? Oh wait, Brits won't tolerate food unless it is cheap and quality costs. Not huge amounts to be fair, but I would still be undercut by provenders of cat anus. Any you lot just love that it seems!

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Distinct hatred for the brits, no manners, continually spouting crap as fact.

                My bets are they're either Scottish, or Dutch, maybe Italian.

                1. Mike 122

                  Scot are Brits. Well unless that prat Salmond gets his way.

          3. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            I am used to seeing real, actual meat on the spit.

            Look at the Shish rather than the Doner then, you prat.

            1. This post has been deleted by its author

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              "Look at the Shish rather than the Doner then, you prat."

              Or how about you lot stop selling processed cat anus and calling it "meat". Or, just like most Brits, if it's cheap you don't give a shit. I guess that explains why you lot caused BSE!

              Look up shawarmas or gyros to get an idea of what REAL kebabs are like and stop speaking from total, pig, ignorance.

              Sheesh!

        2. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
          Joke

          @TeeCee

          What I miss from Blighty is serious, arse-burning chilli sauce. You don't seem to be able to get that anywhere else.

          I think they banned shipping such chemical weapons outside the borders of the Sceptred Isle under some UN convention or other. Either that or some of our politicians would use them (or the search for them) as an excuse to go to war with someone.

        3. David Given
          Thumb Up

          I have actually had *real* kebabs, in Cyprus --- gyros, they're called there. Fresh pitta (I didn't even know you could get it fresh), real salad, loads of tahini, and named meat made out of actual muscle tissue. God those things are nice. The British elephant's leg is a joke in comparison.

          A country's fast food says a lot about the place. Cyprus has gyros; Britain has starch fried in lard; and the US has deep fried butter...

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Thumb Down

            Real salad? Yeah, because in the kebabs in the UK, the salad isn't 'real'.

            What does that even mean?

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            "I have actually had *real* kebabs, in Cyprus --- gyros"

            Yup, made with real meat. Had them recently. That's also shawarma which are an Arabian version of same. Once again, made with real meat.

            If the UK can't even get a kebab right, what hope is there for anything else?

          3. Mips
            Childcatcher

            Gyros etc

            Yeh! Gyros are good. I met them in Germany from an expat Cypriot running a takeaway. Magic. Fresh pitta: make them yourself: see Paul Hollywood.

            Anyway all of this is a million miles from the ultimate cheesie:

            Bread: thick cut wholemeal toasted crisp.

            Cheese: cover with Stilton crumbled over (must be Stilton nothing else will do).

            Melt under a very hot grill.

            You can if you like add sliced tomato and basil and/ or chilli flakes (the chillies must be British to).

      2. Richard 81

        Context is everything, so where are you from AC?

  4. David Given
    FAIL

    There was a man from the Vulture

    Known for his rocket balloon sculpture

    He said, I won't boast

    But even better is some toast

    Covered with a thin layer of milk culture.

  5. Michael Hawkes
    WTF?

    Definitions

    Since I'm not British, is cheese on toast the same thing as a grilled cheese, or are they just culinary cousins?

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge

      Re: Definitions

      Depends if the grilled cheese is served on toast or not, but quite probably. It's also the basic version of Welsh Rarebit, although those can tend to be a little more fancy in terms of ingredients, such as Worcestershire sauce.

      Definitely one for the post-pub culinary deathmatch series though (if it hasn't been already - it's been too long).

      1. David Given

        Re: Definitions

        I've never had Welsh Rarebit, but cow orker says that it's supposed to be toast topped with a mixture of grated cheese and something else (such as mayonnaise or chutney) rather than just slices of cheese.

        Hmm. Must try that one day.

        1. TheRealRoland
          Thumb Up

          Re: Definitions

          Cow Orker smash! Cow Orker misplaced cheese grater again!

        2. Kubla Cant Silver badge

          Re: Definitions

          Two ways with Welsh Rarebit:

          - mix grated cheese with flavourings such as mustard, Worcestershire sauce and cayenne pepper, spread it on toast and grill

          - cook up grated cheese in a pan with beer (plus additional flavourings as above), pour it over the toast when melted, then grill it

          For some reason the Welsh used to be famous for their preference for toasted cheese. There's a Medieval anecdote that alleges Welsh midwives use the smell of toasted cheese to tempt out reluctant Welsh babies.

      2. Spoonsinger
        Unhappy

        Re:"It's also the basic version of Welsh Rarebit"

        Go to the back of the class!, Cheese on toast is in no way like Welsh Rabbit, (well apart from the cheese aspect). They are totally different disciplines.

    2. Johnny G
      Thumb Up

      Re: Definitions

      The French call it a croque-monsieur, although that also involves ham.

      I think in America they call it "Cheese toast", missing the "on" for some reason.... reminded me of this travesty: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plCNjB_IIo0

      Any other local/worldwide definitions out there??

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: Definitions

        Croque-madame has pineapple on top instead of the ham. Or sometimes as well as. But both are an excellent accompaniment to beer.

        Don't you have to make some sort of sauce to do Welsh Rarebit, making it count as cooking. Also the stuff goes on cold bread, whereas with cheese on toast you should have already toasted the bread before the cheese goes on for the last minute of melting.

        I wonder if some sort of port and Worcester sauce based sauce would be nice with cheese on toast? Ketchup is great, or just on its own, but surely port and cheese will always work together?

        1. nomski
          Happy

          Re: Definitions

          croque-madame is with egg not pineapple. the french would be horrified by pineapple! ;)

      2. User McUser

        @Johnny G

        "I think in America they call it 'Cheese toast', "

        I have never heard that name used, though it could be a regional name, such as the various names for sandwiches on baguette-style bread (Sub, Grinder, Hoagie, and so-forth.)

        Assuming "Cheese on Toast" (which sounds like it could be a little hamlet somewhere) is a literal description of the sandwich, we call this a "Grilled Cheese." Generally such a sandwich is "traditionally" made from white bread, buttered on the outside, one or two slices of cheese in the middle (most commonly American or Cheddar), and then heated on a griddle until properly colored (golden brown) and the cheese nicely melted. Often served with tomato soup.

        If you stick a hamburger patty and grilled onions in there it's called a "Patty Melt."

        1. Steve Foster

          Re: @Johnny G

          From your description, a "grilled cheese" is an actual cheese sandwich that is then grilled. Cheese on Toast is *not* a sandwich. It's a single slice of toasted bread, which then has cheese applied _to one side_, and then grilled until the cheese is melting.

          1. User McUser
            Pint

            Re: @Johnny G

            Ah, indeed. I don't believe there is an American equivalent dish to that.

            I'm sure plenty of people eat such a thing, but as far as I know there's no special name for it.

  6. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Ffordian

    Sounds like something out of Jasper Fforde - the perfect companion to the Toast Marketing Board.

    But certainly thumbs-up for the clever double-meaning name as well :)

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Ffordian

      I seem to remember it was the Cheese Marketing Board in the 80s who did those adverts where they made the union flag out of different coloured cheeses. Although it was a round, cheese-shaped one of course.

      And they had the celebs doing little lines to camera, then biting into a bit. I knew I hadn't imagined this, everything is on Youtube nowadays: Ken Livingstone linky.

      1. ian 22
        FAIL

        Re: Ffordian

        *British* Cheese Marketing Board? So no X-Prize for best in show? Bother.

        Another underfunded marketing effort...

  7. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    At table with a lovely young filly,

    Trying to impress without looking silly,

    I said I don't like to boast,

    But I make great cheese on toast.

    Would you like a mouthful of my... Piccalilli?

    Hmmmm? Not sure about this poetry lark. I don't think it's my strong point. Anyway the secret to the best cheese on toast is a mature cheddar, and to put baked beans on top of it. Just before eating each slice, so as not to get it soggy. Then you get lovely crunchy, cheesy, beany, tomato saucey bites of goodness.

    I don't know why the prize is a toasty maker though. Surely the toasty is a completely different taste experience to the cheese on toast. My favourite being the egg toasty, You need one that seals the edges well, and has quite deep depressions in the pan. Then whack in your bread, drop the egg in, get the other slice on top double-quick, slam the lid down and hold really tight to avoid the egg spilling out the sides. Once the seal is formed round the toasty you can let the pressure up and cook as normal. Due to the butter on the outside of the bread you get a sort of combined fried/poached egg effect, and it's amazing with ketchup. Whereas the perfect cheese toasty has ham in it as well.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Ain't no poet neither

      At a table with a lovely young filly,

      Trying to impress without looking silly,

      I said, don't like to boast,

      I make great cheese on toast.

      Would you like a mouthful of .. Piccalilli?

      HTH - Think it scans a tad better

      1. wowfood

        Re: Ain't no poet neither

        I'd consider most of these limericks more than poems.

        There once was a pretty young filly

        to impress without looking too silly

        I said, not to boast

        I make great cheese on toast

        Would you like a mouthfull of my... Piccalilli.

  8. Johnny G
    Thumb Up

    Keep it simple

    White or wholemeal bread, square/rectangular in shape. Shape is important because it makes coverage with rectangular cheese slices easier.

    Toast BOTH sides

    Apply strong cheddar, ensuring as much coverage of the toast as possible, else exposed areas start to burn

    Place under a very hot grill until the cheese is just starting to brown. Also recommend some tin foil under the grill tray to catch the inevitable meltage.

    Apply ketup, but only one slice at a time (assuming you're having 2 slices!), i.e. just before you intend to eat it as the cold ketchup tends to cool the hot cheese and makes it rubbery.

    Also good with chopped up chives lightly sprinkled.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Keep it simple

      I think we should have the option to down vote at least twice any comment which suggests the use of wholemeal bread, for, well, absolutely anything other than wiping your bum in an absolute emergency.

      1. Johnny G
        Happy

        Re: Keep it simple

        Touché!

        Fair enough, white it is. ;-)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Keep it simple

          What about a good sourdough?

  9. ChrisBoy

    A heavenly fellow named Jesus

    Does with food what he bloody well pleases

    Though what he really oughta

    Add to wine made from water

    Is a varied selection of cheeses.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Did he say, "Blessed are the cheese-makers"?

      1. Andy Roid McUser
        Happy

        Blessed are the cheese-makers

        Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. AbortRetryFail
      Joke

      It's a little-known fact that, far from being a carpenter, Our Lord actually ran a cheese shop in his home town.

      It was called "Cheeses of Nazareth".

      (I am so sorry)

      1. TeeCee Gold badge
        Coat

        That one never made it into the Bible, but the earliest known reference to an ice-cream manufacturer did:

        Walls of Jericho.

        --

        There's also a passage that states "Moses came down from the mountain in his triumph.". This has caused long theological arguments over whether it was a 2500pi or a Dolomite Sprint......

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          There's also a passage that states "Moses came down from the mountain in his triumph.". This has caused long theological arguments over whether it was a 2500pi or a Dolomite Sprint......

          It was a Triumph Spitfire, but he had to freewheel it down since the feckin' thing wouldn't start. As usual.

          1. TeeCee Gold badge
            Flame

            It was a Triumph Spitfire....

            BURN THE HERETIC!

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    For me

    it's gotta be thick white bread lightly toasted to that yellowish golden colour.

    Scrape an exceptionally thin layer of BBQ sauce on the toast, basically dap it on and scrape off as much as you can

    Cheese would be extra mature chedder, with a small sprinkling of grated parmasan on top, and then sprinkle on a few bacon lardons.

    Grill on a high heat until the cheese is bubbling and golden and the outter edges are slightly burnt

    Grilled cheese perfection.

  11. DuncanL

    Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

    "I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed."

    And on topic; I would heartily recommend the Hairy Bikers recipe for Welsh Rarebit, featuring stout and lots of cheese - http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/welsh_rarebit_05821

    Most excellent.

  12. Richard 120

    Bacon

    Are you allowed to put bacon on it?

    Bacon makes everything better.

    1. Richard 81

      Re: Bacon

      Yes of course you are. Indeed you should ask that question of everything you encounter in your day-to-day life.

      1. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Bacon

        ... YOU EVIL PERSON

        I now require a bacon sarnie stat with some rounds of cheese on toast.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So long as it's not goat's cheese - I won't eat anything that comes out of a goat.

    1. Richard 81

      Not even "goat"? ...cos goat is quite tasty if curried right.

    2. Lord Raa

      Goats' cheese is delicious when used in the right dish.

  14. Richard 81

    E = yumc^2

    If I don't see a horribly complex equation for the perfect cheese on toast in tomorrow's Telegraph or Daily Mail then it's not real science.

  15. Frankee Llonnygog

    Cheese on toast and the history of computing

    Not many people are aware of this connection, but the University of Cardiff can lay claim to one of the earliest computers. This was a room-filling valve monster, dubbed Cheesiac, designed to record the passage of cosmic ray particles through a detector cunningly fashioned from a slice of cheese on toast. The memory was a magnetic core store with enough capacity to record a single binary 1 or 0. It was felt that this would provide ample room as the anticipated events would occur so infrequently. The computer was commissioned in 1956 and remained switched on in the lab until 1973 when, almost entirely unnoticed, it finally flipped the logical state of the Welsh Rare Bit.

    1. Gazareth

      Re: Cheese on toast and the history of computing

      And you didn't even have the good grace to use the 'get my coat' icon. Tch.

      1. Frankee Llonnygog

        Re: Cheese on toast and the history of computing

        The shaggy dog ate my coat - that's my excuse

  16. LPF
    Thumb Up

    This is how its done!

    Thick cut crusty farmhouse bread.

    Mild cheddar cheese.

    grate cheese and spread on bread

    put under grill and toast until the cheese turns bubbly brown

    Eat while cheese is gooey, but not so hot it removes the skin from the roof of your mouth.

    Wash down with some nice cold cider, on a warm sunny day.

    1. Pooka

      Re: This is how its done!

      Mild cheddar is not cheese - it's rubber.

      Any cheese that bounces cannot be considered edible.....

      Now if you follow the same recipe with at least a mature, extra mature, vintage... or even the excellent 24month cheddar I had last week I'd agree with you...

      1. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
        Childcatcher

        Re: This is how its done!

        Mild cheddar is not cheese - it's rubber.

        The term used in diners for American cheese (not all cheese from the States, though) is "wax." A step down from rubber, I think. I am not a Brit and so am not providing an entry. However, I was wondering about the preferred method for prepping the cheese portion of this dish: grated or sliced? Please educate me.

  17. Matthew 25
    Terminator

    Needs

    Onion

    1. cosymart
      Go

      Re: Needs

      Chives

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Needs

        Jalapeno

  18. Gazareth

    Granary, toasted both sides, then a lick of butter, mature cheddar, worcester sauce & a sprinkle of pepper.

    Served with tea, natch.

  19. nevstah
    Mushroom

    the correct way..

    why do folks insist on burning cheese-on-toast?

    anything that involves a change in colour means its been burnt

    cheese chould not be burnt!! ever! its simply not necessary!! all you do is ruin the taste of a good lump of cheese!!

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: the correct way..

      Hear! Hear! Well said that man!

      Once the cheese is all melted and warm and lovely, get it away from the nasty heat and get eating. Bread isn't nicer burnt either. I'm amazed at the number of people suggesting the cheese should be going brown. This isn't the 1970s you know...

      1. Tom 7 Silver badge

        Re: the correct way..

        caramelising sugars is not burning - or do you have your chicken and chips white, your steaks red, your bread without crusts and your beer ... well paler than lager?

        This was about cheese on toast not something to be eaten with a scented handkerchief in your hand.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: the correct way..

          No. If the cheese is nice cheese, then heating the cheese should zoom all the lovely aroma of it around perfectly happily without changing the taste much (think warming brandy). So I like to only melt it, rather than caramelise it. I don't personally think it's an improvement on the flavour.

          Whereas toast is different. That should be a nice golden brown, but not a nasty charred black. Hence you toast one side, very very very lightly toast t'other - then bung cheese on the side that's still white but no longer soft, and back under the grill for about a minute to melt the cheese and nothing more.

          1. Kubla Cant Silver badge
            Thumb Down

            Re: the correct way..

            @I ain't Spartacus:

            Warming may release flavours from brandy - though the balloon glasses designed to do this are very 1970s, and serious brandy drinkers don't use them. But the flavour added to cheese when it's browned is probably a result of a Maillard reaction. Just warming it through is insufficient to produce this reaction.

    2. CCCP
      Holmes

      Re: the correct way..

      They do that because of chemistry. The nice tasting browning cheese is nice tasting because the moleclueless are changing into long chains of tasty things.

      Not burnt, nice tasting!

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Import the ingredients

    Well, for starters get decent bread. Anything that is pre-sliced and on supermarket shelves is shit. Every single one. You can thank the Chorleywood bread process and Britons' obsession with price over quality for the part-cooked, spongy muck that passes as bread in the UK. Bleurgh.

    So either get something decent from a local baker (a real one, not the one at the back of the supermarket. I said a real one, not Greggs either) or import some toasting bread (Germans do good stuff, French/Dutch can often be too sweet, Ciabatta can be good as well). Wholemeal with seeds/nuts is great for texture and added bite. Just avoid ANYTHING from the likes of Hovis etc.

    Next cheese...forget the cheese aisle. Block-upon-block of tasteless gunk passed off as (usually) cheddar. Bleurgh again. Price beats quality in the UK once more and you lot seem happy with your single cheese choice of "Mild Cheddar" (a bit like you beer choices of "Shit American Lager" or "Shit Fake French Lager"). Seriously...the UK used to have decent food, not any more and it make you a laughing-stock.

    So go to a local cheese shop (once again, ignore the counter at the back of the supermarket) and buy some decent hard cheese. It'll probably be imported, unless you are really lucky and can actually get proper Cheddar (which tastes nothing like the crap Tesco et al sell - to be honest, most of their "cheese" should fail under the Trade Descriptions Act!).

    Toast yer bread (I like to leave one side just slightly under done).

    To the under done side, add cheese slices.

    A dash of Worcestershire sauce OR crumble on some strong Stilton (about the only British ingredients)

    And then toast under the grill using a high-ish heat.

    You are looking for the cheese to start bubbling, but the bread to not become a charred cinder.

    Allow to cool slightly (use a cake rake or the underside will go soggy)

    Serve.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Import the ingredients

      There's nothing wrong with modern British food. Not compared with even ten years ago. And certainly compared with the food wasteland that was the 1970s when I grew up. Although I still yearn for the taste of Butterscotch Instant Whip. It would probably be awful if I ever found any and actually tried to eat it mind...

      There's plenty of crap in the supermarkets. But then I used to live in Belgium, and I've shopped in other places on holiday, and there's plenty of crap there too. You can get decent cheese in the supermarkets. The bread is OK, although Morrisons often have nice stuff (I don't have access to a Waitrose to comment).

      Although crap-white-sliced bread, and bland-supermarket-plastic-cheddar is perfect for the cheese on toast with baked beans on top that I sometimes have. But otherwise a nice mature cheddar is best, and can be easily sourced from supermarkets, if no cheese shop is available.

      Worcester sauce is British. There's a thriving British cheese industry, winning awards even in France. The artisan food industry has been growing here since the 80s, and been doing increasingly well for the last decade. Local breweries have made a comeback, and they're doing particularly well now. Probably half the pubs in my town now have something from Rebellion (in Marlow) on draught - whereas ten years ago only 2 or 3 pubs served any kind of real ale.

      You had to look for this stuff ten years ago, but even the supermarkets and chain-pubs are in the action now. There's plenty of mass-produced down to a price stuff out there, but also plenty of alternatives.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Import the ingredients

      I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you work in/around Silicon Roundabout.

      1. Richard 81

        Re: Import the ingredients

        Or vaguely near almost any other city in the country, you plonker.

        I was living in Sheffield for the last 6 years and had no problem getting good produce from perfectly normal shops.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Import the ingredients

          That post was a dig at AC@13:12's cliched 'English food is awful compared to the continent dahlinnnnnng' rant, so pay attention, matey boy.

          Granted, the quoting mechanism on this forum is terribly devised. While we're on the subject, liking a post goes to a new page? Ever heard of AJAX, El Reg?

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Import the ingredients

        Nope - I just refuse to eat a lot of the shit sold in the UK as "food". I am blessed with a decent greengrocers, so I know there is real food out there in the UK, just not many people eating judging by the utter crap on sale in the supermarkets and the slop served-up in eateries.

        It's price - if it's cheap, you lot are happy.

        Not a good way to be.

        1. janimal
          Flame

          @AC

          well, I tend to trudge up to the top of my street where I can buy locally made Sussex charmer cheddar, and locally made butter from the award winning butchers, pop across the road to the Italian deli for some super thinly sliced pancetta, then next door to the small bakery for some still warm bread. Next door to that I buy some arabica coffee beans from the independent coffee shop

          Once back home I crisp the pancetta in the grill along with the fresh bread. only lightly toasting one side. Grate the Sussex charmer mix in pepper & a tiny pinch of salt. Butter the bread, lay on the pancetta. Carefully cover the slices with the cheese leaving no corner of the bread exposed. Add a few dashes of Worcester sauce and grill until bubbling.

          If you insist on idiotic generalisations, you should go back to the daily mail.

    3. Aquilus
      Coat

      Re: Import the ingredients

      What a deliciously hipsteresque recipe! I tried it, but ended up burning the roof of my mouth. Guess I started eating it before it was cool...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Import the ingredients

        Nothing to do with hipsters, it's just that IME most Brits struggle to boil water so I prefer to be explicit.

        As for food being better on the continent...when you live in a nation renowned around the globe for the abysmal standard of its food, just about ANYWHERE ELSE is an improvement!

  21. Cliff

    Dash of malt vinegar

    If you're not feeling lah-di-dah enough for Worcester Sauce, a dash of malt vinegar offsets the greasiness of the cheese and takes it up a level without contaminating the core concept by 'cooking'. Try it.

  22. Tom 7 Silver badge

    a top-of-the-range toasted sandwich maker

    you mean a grill?

    1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

      Re: a top-of-the-range toasted sandwich maker

      The correct term for a top-of-the-range toasted sandwich maker is "oxymoron".

  23. Tom 7 Silver badge

    Could be a 'where I was bring up' thing

    but and inch thick piece of granary toasted on both sides and then too much butter and a good layer of strong lancashire - not the shit you get down south but the stuff you cant feel the tang of wustershur - and grilled to a dark caramel on the peaks. Black pepper to kill.

    Dont forget the 10pints and the 5 mile walk through the frost to get to it.

  24. Lamont Cranston
    Boffin

    Really? Cheese on toast?

    Fine. Here you go:

    1. Turn on grill

    2. Whilst grill heats, put bread in toaster and brown slightly more than you intended

    3. Burn hands whilst retreiving toast

    4. Add sliced (grated, if you're an idiot) cheese* to one side of the toast**

    5. Place toast, cheese side up, under the grill until it*** melts

    6. Retreive toast, slice if desired, burn mouth on first bite.

    *Yellow cheese is traditional, but reds can be used; nothing crumbly (they don't melt properly) and nothing veiny (the results will be bordering on the inedible); bendy cheeses are a possibility, but the results can be strange; all said, best stick with Cheddar.

    **You may wish to preceede the cheese with some other toppings/sauces (a slice of ham is a good way to ensure that all the toppings slough off during the first mouthful) - my personal prefence is sliced chicken and jalapenos; you may also with to follow the cheese with a splash of worcestershire sauce (anything else would be an abomination).

    ***If anything other than the cheese is melting, you should probably lay off the microdots.

  25. It'sa Mea... Mario
    FAIL

    I am at work currently so will have to read the no doubt interesting recipes above later, however all posters so far have failed because a page search shows no references to Marmite!

    1. Lamont Cranston
      Mushroom

      Cheese on toast = Good

      Beans on toast = Good

      Marmite on toast = Superlative

      Cheese on beans on toast = Like eating vomit

      Cheese on Marmite on toast = Wrong

      Beans on Marmite on toast = OH DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

  26. clebin

    For proper Welsh Rarebit you need to mix the cheese with ale, mustard, milk/eggs and so on to make a (very tasty) gloop. Done well it can be stunning.

    I think Croque Madame uses an egg rather than pineapple. Croque Monsieur/Madame normally has bechamel sauce as well.

    1. ukgnome
      Unhappy

      Croque Madame uses an egg rather than pineapple

      Apparently the addition of a pineapple is called Croque Hawaien

      <-----knowing this makes me unhappy - damn the internet!

  27. HxBro
    Mushroom

    I like several versions:

    Lightly toast on one side, cover with slices of cheddar, grill till slightly bubbling

    Lightly toast on one side, cover with slices of cheddar, add some pepper, grill till slightly bubbling

    Variation on above, chop some pickled onion and add at same time as cheese

    Chilli cheese is a good one to use too.

    Personally as long as the cheese has a good fat content you can't go wrong, you need the oils to flow into the bread.

  28. Felonmarmer

    I grill it my way

    Thin bread, two slices per toast. Grill one side of each, top one piece with cheddar, flip the other, when toasted sufficiently, put mustard on the cheese, top with the fully toasted half and then flip to toast the remaining side. Leave too cool a little to prevent mouth damage and serve with a puddle of ketchup for dipping.

    I know what I'm having for tea tonight!

  29. Chazmon
    Flame

    pH

    How well the cheese browns is largely down to the pH as you are effectively denaturing proteins into tasty tannins and things. Mild cheese is in fact better for cooking than its fuller flavored cousins. This is the only reason to buy mild cheese ever.

    I once messed around with the cheese on toast recipe and had cheese on corning pastie. It made my heart hurt but was totally worth it!

    1. Kubla Cant Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: pH

      "cheese on corning pastie" - Pyrex pasties are what real hard men eat.

  30. ukgnome
    Thumb Up

    Take 2 slices of bread, toast on one side until dark brown. Any bread will do, except bread with seed toppings. Bread with seed toppings have no place in my house. Grate the extra mature cheese whilst the grill is doing it's job. Next lightly toast the other side, but only lightly. Don't take your eyes off it for one moment. Grills know when you are not looking at them and will incinerate bread within seconds. Once it is lightly toasted it is permissible to spead the light side with butter. No other spread is an option, so no comments on how you prefer soya is utterly stork. Heap the cheese on the lightly toasted and buttered side, and then gently pat down with your palm. You will then be required to dash a little Worcester sauce and a tadge of chilli sauce on it. Of course these are optional if you are in your own kitchen, but in my kitchen they are not. You now need to grill them, I find the best thing to do is place that at the back of the grill pan and push it all the way back. Of course this has many issues, namely poor visibility. As you want it to toast and melt. At no point should you take your eyes off the melting glory. Once the surface of the cheese is starting to brown over remove from grill pan, remembering to burn your hands and eat it whilst it's hot. For those worrying about grease running down their chin simply man up and grow a beard.

  31. Schultz

    "The board is seeking submissions from Brits"

    Brits only, ey? You Brits don't even know what you are missing. Look across the channel and the cheesy aroma will blow you off your feet.

    1. Richard 120

      Re: "The board is seeking submissions from Brits"

      Ahhh, but is that actually cheese?

    2. Richard 81

      Re: "The board is seeking submissions from Brits"

      Lovely though continental cheeses are, you wouldn't want to toast any of them. Melt, sure, but not toast.

      1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

        Re: "The board is seeking submissions from Brits"

        Look across the channel and the cheesy aroma will blow you off your feet. - yeah, but that's just French people.

        Lovely though continental cheeses are, you wouldn't want to toast any of them In Switzerland there's a cheese called Raclette that seems to be made exclusively for toasting. A typical Raclette night on a skiing holiday: the first course is melted cheese, boiled potatoes and pickles. The second course is also melted cheese, boiled potatoes and pickles, and so are all subsequent courses. It's basically death by cheese.

        1. Steve Foster
          Happy

          Re: "death by cheese"

          That sounds like a pretty good way to go!

          1. Tom 7 Silver badge

            Re: "death by cheese"

            sounds like a horrible way to go - listening to brucie till you die wuouough??

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    All my favourite cheeses derive from Germany/Austria/Holland, mostly the smoked stuff. Have to say I think there is an air of 'Emperors new clothes' about the French stuff. Just not a fan at all, I've had some types of Brie before that made me physically gag.

  33. This post has been deleted by its author

  34. markw:

    Microwave

    Make toast days beforehand so it can dry out.

    Add slices of cheese and nuke in microwave until it boils.

    Eat immediately — even a few seconds spoils the taste.

  35. Richard 120

    I like lots of cheeses, of those I would consider putting on a cheese toastie I would probably put them in this order -

    1. Cheddar (something stronger than mild)

    2. Edam

    3. Jarlsberg

    4. Red Leicester

    5. Bavarian smoked

    6. Emmental

    Depending on the cheese I'd put on some worcercestershire sauce and/or some pepper, and maybe some tabasco.

  36. Blitheringeejit
    Happy

    Hows about...

    ...a layer of fresh basil leaves under the cheese, and a sprinkling of cumin seeds on top before grilling.

    I'm also amazed that most contributors seem happy with terms like "cheddar" to describe the cheese. We need to be far more precise - if you think you like cheddar, try Isle of Mull and blow your mind. Shropshire Blue has some proper punch to it too, and if you've never tried a sheep milk cheeses like Swaledale on a toastie thing, give one a go - more subtle, but very flavourful.

    My proper favourite is mushrooms lightly fried in garlic and a squeeze of lemming, topped with a bit of chopped flat-leaf parsley and then layer of cheese (grated parmesan, isle of mull or maybe a good pecorino or gruyere) and grilled - but I'm not sure if that's technically cheese on toast or something else.

    And the bread, of course, is home made granary with loads of seeds and a few chopped nuts thrown in for good measure.

    In summary - even the simplest snack should have at least 10 quality ingredients, and the making of it should be an act of self-love.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hows about...

      May i ask, what does squeezed lemming taste of??

      1. jake Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Hows about...

        Squeezed lemming tastes like squeezed squirrel (arctic survival training is a bitch).

  37. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Unhappy

    Not for me

    I like toast with lots of things. I love cheese and pickles sarnies, but for some reason cooked cheese on toast makes me feel quite sick.

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Take

    Good soft bread, edam, hendersons relish. Lightly toast both sides of bread. Butter generously all the way up to the edge. Ditto with sliced edam. Add several generous dashes of hendersons and grill under a high heat......when bubbling and golden, serve...

  39. graeme leggett

    the recipe is easy and I will reproduce the proof here

    cheese + bread + fire = good.

  40. WalterAlter
    Pirate

    American Heretic Drop Cloth TV Couch Potato "Toasted Cheeze"

    One is never enough so get you 4 slices of gluten rich bleached white flour factory made bread (we in the colonies like our timeless Wonder Bread). Assemble as follows- liberally coat all 4 slices on one side with Miracle Whip mayonnaise type spread. Liberally coat 2 slices with black pepper, Tobasco and Worchester, then add transparent thin slices of onion and transparent thin slices of bell pepper. While uttering the Sumerian prayer of Bovine Civilization, gently lay on 2 slices of Kraft processed American Cheese (or for you Brit cousins the mildest industrial processed cheddar you can find just short of liquid cheeze-type squeeze bottle spreads) on the two condimented slices.

    Assemble into two sandwiches. Heat your pancake griddle to smokin' and toss on a big pat of butter. Watch it dance and sputter while reciting "Hey Diddle Diddle..." and slap the two sandwiches into the butter, sliding them to and fro to get them evenly coated. Cook time is critical, turn off your cell phone and concentrate...you'll want to go a bit beyond golden brown to a deep mahogany brown. If your toasted cheese sandwich does not crunch heavily when you bite into it, you have a less than professional effort in your hands.

    Using your wide glide BBQ spatula, lift both sandwiches, toss on another big pat of butter and flip the untoasted side over into the thermal spring of melted milk fat. Caution, this side will cook faster. Most importantly, using the spatula, pressure must be brought to bear upon the works to squish the sandwiches to half their original thickness and cheese glurps out and browns in the pan all around the edges.

    Almost there. Crack open a freezer cold can of Blatz and empty into a freezer cold pint glass with half a fresh lime squeezed in. Grab the drop cloth and drape it like a barber's sheet, turn on the Jerry Springer show or whatever passes for trailer trash TV over there and ascend to the authentic Paradise of the ancient Holy Muses.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Nice cheddar in slices on brown bread with a sprinkle of paprika.

    Sometimes, though, I will go the whole hog and have brown bread toast, tinned sardines, slices of tomato, then slices of cheese, well cooked under the grill. Smashing.

  42. Martin Budden
    Pint

    White sourdough, toasted under hot grill until dark brown on one side, turn over, spread with chipotle sauce, add sliced mushrooms, add elbo cheese, grill until bubbling and browning, add cracked black pepper, enjoy with beer.

    p.s. No, not elbow cheese, that would be silly.

  43. jake Silver badge

    Heathens!

    Proper cheese doesn't need, or benefit, from cooking. It's a finished product.

  44. Chasola

    Yes indeed, at christmas I alway stock up on a variety of small fermented milk products such as Baby Bels because the most important thing at Christmas is to remember the little baby cheeses.

    I'll get me coat.

  45. Solly

    Toast bread well on one side and lightly on t'other. Grate some strong cheddar cheese, add a small splash of milk and a pinch of dried herbs maybe some chilli flakes if you fancy. Mash the cheese and additives together with a fork - it should be a firm paste (otherwise you've added too much milk). Spread the mixture onto the lightly toasted side with a knife and place back under the grill for about 90 seconds.

    Allow 30 seconds to cool slightly and then eat before anyone sees you (because they WILL want to steal it)

    variants: substitute natural yogurt for the milk, thinly spread marmite/harrissa/sundried tomato puree on the bread before you add the cheese topping etc

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What you need is a loaf of asda smart price bread.

    Get the two end slizes and toast them to golden

    put on a slice of the american style rubber cheese

    grate on a thin layer of extra mild chedder.

    Question why you took my advice and made this monstrosity.

  47. MJI Silver badge

    Mine

    Toast one side, turn over, toast until it just starts to go brown.

    Slice an onion on the bread, then cheese, now toast until ready.

    Finish with tomato sauce

  48. MrScott
    Linux

    Cheese Chemistry

    This is really a question of taste but the tastiest combination of flavors consist of the following

    Combine 2 - eggs with one teaspoon of vanilla and 1/4 cup of milk for a batter.

    Stack the fresh bread slices with your favorite shredded cheeses and swim the stack in the batter.

    Cook stacks on your favorite well-greased griddle at 350 degrees for 5 minutes per side or

    until cheese is completely melted. I like the edges crisp.

    Serve with chips and your favorite beverage.

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