back to article Hard luck lads, todger size DOES matter: Official

Boffins bearing tape measures appear to have confirmed that in the trouser department, size really does matter. But it's not the only thing prospective mates are eyeing when they give chaps the once-over. In fact, todger size "interacts with body shape and height to determine male sexual attractiveness", so that a "greater …

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  1. John H Woods

    Published in PNAS ...

    ... where else?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      It all in the hands

      Hand size is what counts, measure the distance between the top of your finger and the wrist.

      A tall man with little hands, that's a give away to any woman that the guy is under endowed.

      Heard that while working at home while the wife and the rest of the yummy mummy club were having a coffee morning. It's distressing that women can be so shallow.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. ChrisBedford

        Re: It all in the hands

        ...it's distressing that anyone can repeat this kind of total nonsense. There is NO CORRELATION between hand size & penis size - it's just another urban myth.

        1. VinceH Silver badge
          Paris Hilton

          Re: It all in the hands

          "There is NO CORRELATION between hand size & penis size - it's just another urban myth."

          Says the man with small hands. :p

          <Quickly puts own hands in pockets so nobody notices their size>

          Tra-lala-la. Nothing to see here. Move along.

          Paris, because I gather she's seen a few men's, er, hand sizes.

          1. Nuke

            Re: It all in the hands

            >>."There is NO CORRELATION between hand size & penis size - it's just another urban myth."

            > Says the man with small hands. :p

            Says the man with large hands. :-)

            Really, I have heard it all, supposed to correlate with nose size, ear size, arm length, forehead height (negatively). But I have heard good evidence, on good authority, that it does not correlate with anything else, and certainly not general size. Fred West for example, a bear of a man, had a small penis (it came out at his trial - no, not in that way).

            What is very plausible though (and I've been told) is that a todger of any given size looks relatively larger on a smaller man.

            1. wowfood

              Re: It all in the hands

              If it were nose or ear size I'd be so popular with the ladies. And the hand size is rubbish. If anything smaller hands makes you look even bigger (to yourself)

              1. Bumpy Cat
                Happy

                Re: It all in the hands

                It is in the hands - sort of. If my hands are bigger, then generally I'm bigger, and generally my penis is bigger. It's not rocket surgery - the body is generally proportional.

                Now shoe size, that's the REAL indicator (says the UK size 11).

        2. James Micallef Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: It all in the hands

          Oh come on... Everyone knows that men with bigger hands have bigger....

          ...gloves

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: It all in the hands

        "the wife and the rest of the yummy mummy club..."

        Is "yummy mummy" just a polite version of MILF?

      4. Tim Worstal

        Re: It all in the hands

        "Hand size is what counts,"

        Yes, of course. But it's not the hand size of the possessor that matters. It's the hand size of the borrower that does.

        As Pater always said, find a girlfriend with small hands. Much more flattering that way.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Coat

          Re: It all in the hands

          > <Quickly puts own hands in pockets so nobody notices their size>

          Given the way this comment section is going, TBH I'd much rather hands _out_ of the pockets ...

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: It all in the hands

          "find a girlfriend with small hands. Much more flattering that way."

          Note taken. I knew there was a reason I follow your articles.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Size does seem to help but....

    ...looks like it always loses to a $5000 Armani suit and the keys for a Porsche. I wonder why.....

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Size does seem to help but....

      Quick 5-15 minutes of pleasure in bed where they probably still fake many of the ooh's and ahh's against not having to work (themselves), a platinum credit card, big house, private education for the kids... hmmm shallow or compelling?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Size does seem to help but....

      The ultimate aphrodisiac has long been green in colour.

      1. Owain 1
        Meh

        Re: Size does seem to help but....

        "The ultimate aphrodisiac has long been green in colour."

        I shall begin working on my lawn right now!

        It's quite long.....

    3. Amorous Cowherder

      Re: Size does seem to help but....

      "...looks like it always loses to a $5000 Armani suit and the keys for a Porsche. I wonder why..."

      Well anyone with a need for those over-compensatory affectations is oviously a very, very profient onanist already!

  3. Don Jefe
    Happy

    Duh

    Being 6'5" and 220lbs has always been fantastic for me. Yes the cool cars and overall badassness surrounding me doesn't hurt either. But there aren't that many women that have seen my penis. I've had my share of women but except for a couple of drunken romps in college I just don't go whipping my DNA cannon out for inspection. The women I've been with found me attractive before I pulled out the stiff one eye on them so unless you're running about with your dong on display or are being reviewed sans pants prior to sex I don't see how this study applies in a clothed civilization.

    1. Best Before:
      Stop

      Re: Duh

      Actually you will find the majority of women are quite adept at gauging size through trousers, jeans etc I suppose only the really baggiest trousers would be the ones that are difficult to gauge from.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Duh

        That explains my lack of action. Tight undies (since I wear shorts to the gym) probably provide the wrong kind of illusion.

    2. FirstName
      WTF?

      Re: Duh

      "The women I've been with found me attractive"

      Thanks for sharing your assessment.

      Do any of the women you've "had" have points of view they might share? I guess it's possible there are other explanations.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Duh

      « The women I've been with found me attractive [....] »

      « But there aren't that many women that have seen my penis [....] »

      « [....] except for a couple of drunken romps in college »

      Care to rephrase your post a bit?

  4. El
    Paris Hilton

    Really?

    They didn't provide evidence that ALL women find larger penises more attractive. They found evidence that a small group of Australian women do. I believe these are the same women that are statistically most likely to sleep with a bloke on the first date, too. Perhaps the results would be different with a more prudish sample group.

    I'll admit that the results of this study likely actually DO apply to Paris Hilton...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      A recent study

      What's large for one woman maybe small for another.....

    2. The Indomitable Gall

      Re: Really?

      More to the point, it's a survey. Ask a conscious question, get a conscious answer. People will always rank on the variables when they're consciously ranking. Gaze analysis, skin galvanisation (for arousal) etc are much more objective ratings.

      The problem is that woman aren't turned on by grey polygonads, so there is no objective measure to be made here.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Happy

        Re: Really?

        The problem is that woman aren't turned on by grey polygonads, so there is no objective measure to be made here.

        That's funny, I've never had any complaints from the many women who've had cause to fondle my smoothly curving grey checkered torso and genitalia. Oh yes!

        Yours,

        John Major

  5. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Isn't everyone?

      Cold morning do no one any favours.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Isn't everyone?

      Actually..... No :-)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Isn't everyone?

      "3" flaccid? Isn't everyone?"

      The range of flaccid sizes is quite considerable. Some expand more than others - but the erections mostly end up within a close range for a given genetic population.

      On a naturist holiday it was surprising to see a family of relatively small framed English men for whom "hung like donkey" was not just an optical illusion. As was said in M*A*S*H of the dentist - "wouldn't like to see that angry",

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: for a given genetic population.

        I had a girl friend, no make that a friend who was a girl, who'd taken a personal research project on the subject and didn't think much to normal stereotypes, she didn't think it varied much between the difference genetic populations.

        You have to admires some people self sacrifice in the name of scientific research.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: for a given genetic population.

          "[...] she didn't think it varied much between the difference genetic populations."

          Condom manufacturers do produce different sizes for different countries. If I recall - Asia had a market for some smaller sizes - Africa for some larger ones.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: for a given genetic population.

          "she didn't think it varied much between the difference genetic populations."

          Unless she really went for it, I don't think her sample size is as big as that of the major condom manufacturers, who sell smaller condoms in India, for starters. The same happens in quite a few places. She was wrong, due to insufficient data, that simple :)

          (Obviously, they never mark them "small" and so forth, that would be a wonderful way to lose sales)

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: for a given genetic population.

            "(Obviously, they never mark them "small" and so forth, that would be a wonderful way to lose sales)"

            In the Hong Kong Night Market my UK waist size "small" translated to their shorts label of "XXL".

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: for a given genetic population.

            "she didn't think it varied much between the difference genetic populations."

            > I don't think her sample size is as big as that of ...

            It's not so much about sample size as the size you sample

            I guess its probably that she only sampled the larger size ...

  6. Richard Wharram
    Mushroom

    Also

    In other news:

    MEN LIKE BIG TITS!!!!!!!

    World-changing stuff. Who knew?

    1. The Nazz Silver badge

      Re: Also

      Not all of us do, upto and including 36c ( in the UK) will do me just fine.

      I'm sure i'm not alone.

      PS give me natural every time, can't abide the fake ones.

      1. Steady Eddy

        Re: Also

        Big or not, they all taste the same.

    2. Steven Roper

      Re: Also

      I'm not a fan of big tits either. As my Dad always says, anything more than a handful is a waste!

      1. El_Fev

        Re: Also

        No offense mate, but your dad was an idiot !

        1. ChrisBedford

          Re: Also

          No offence mate, but YOU'RE an idiot.

          Not for liking big jugs, but for being a tool. Accept that some people have different tastes, and just because you can't understand why someone doesn't like the same stuff you do that doesn't make him an idiot.

      2. greenawayr
        Thumb Up

        Re: Also @stevenroper

        I guess that there's a common variable here then. The size of your hands!

        1. Dave 126 Silver badge

          Re: Also @stevenroper

          >MEN LIKE BIG TITS!!!!!!!

          There is variation in men's preferences, just as there is in the body shape of those they fancy.

          However, to paraphrase Dawkins, sexual selection accelerates evolution. Say you were a peacock with a big tail. Your mate is attracted to your big tail. She inherited that preference from her mother, so the chances are that her dad had a big tail too. Therefore your offspring will have two sets of genes for a big tail- those inherited from you, and those inherited from the father of your mate.

          Apparently, when played out, this explains why the female preference is usually for a tail that is a little bigger than the population average.

          -from the Explosions and Spirals chapter of The Blind Watchmaker.

      3. Nuke
        Headmaster

        @Steven Roper - Re: Also

        Wrote :- "anything more than a handful is a waste!"

        You can always extend the range above about a DD by using both hands.

    3. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

      Re: Also

      IIRC Humans penises are bigger than those of the great apes; 1" would be big enough to get the job done. So the question is why do men have such enormous penises?

      1. Richard Wharram

        Re: Also

        1" is enough?

        Phew.

        1. hplasm Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Also

          That's not very wide!

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: 1" is enough?

          Only if you're trying to impress a female great ape.

          Have you met my ex-wife?

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

        1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

          Re: "Human penis are bigger than the great apes."

          "The popular science writer Richard Dawkins ...speculated in 2006 that the loss of the bone in humans, when it is present in our nearest related species the chimpanzee, is a result of sexual selection by females looking for honest signals of good health in prospective mates."

          That's rubbish. It just wouldn't fit in the trousers, that's all.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Also

        "So the question is why do men have such enormous penises?"

        If I recall correctly there was a theory that humans are the only primates that mate face to face. Seeing each others faces was considered part of the psychological bonding process. The suggestion was that the missionary position requires extra length in the penis compared to doggie fashion.

        1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

          Re: Also

          We are not the only ones - bonobos do it all the time.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: humans ... mate face to face

          you're doing it wrong, mate

      4. stanimir

        Re: Also (1" would be big enough)

        Large penis help remove the sperm out of the vagina. Other specimens' sperm that's it! The larger it is the higher chance to rub it off and yours to prevail.

      5. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        Re: Also

        > 1" would be big enough to get the job done.

        I suspect that views may differ depending on which end of the job you find yourself...

      6. This post has been deleted by its author

    4. Nuke
      Meh

      @ Richard Wharram - Re: Also

      Wrote : "In other news: MEN LIKE BIG TITS!!!!!!!"

      Yes, but there is a major difference in that a woman can show off her tit size to everyone, even in normal clothing. Men cannot reveal their dick size however until they have already pulled the bird to the point where it does not matter any more - on that occasion anyway.

      Some here have claimed that women can tell even when you are fully clothed. I dispute that. For one thing flacid size is no indication of erect size. And having an erection in trousers is something I have always, often with great difficulty, tried to avoid - for one thing it hurts, and secondly you do not know how the girl is going to take it, particularly if you have not long met her, (unless, again, things have progressed to the point where it does not matter any more).

      I remember a first date (dating club) when sitting down at a table in a pub I looked down her massive cleavage and got a hell of a boner. I was worried she might ask me to get up for a packet of peanuts, I couldn't have got across the room. I was looking out of the window for distraction; don't know what she made of me. I did see more of her after that ;-) but a pity she had bad breath .....

      1. Graham Marsden
        Happy

        More than a handfull....

        .... is where it starts to get really interesting

        [Ahem]

        Or so I've been told...

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: @ Richard Wharram - Also

        "there is a major difference in that a woman can show off her tit size to everyone, even in normal clothing"

        A friend who was a natural 28AA was mortified when her cottonwool padding floated out of her bikini in the swimming pool. She used to wear very stiff cone bra cups for work and prayed they didn't get squashed.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Also

      "In other news:

      MEN LIKE BIG TITS!!!!!!!

      World-changing stuff. Who knew?"

      Not fussed myself. I am perfectly happy with small ones, provided that the person that they are attached to is interesting. A nice smile and the ability to make you laugh, on the other hand, is like Kryptonite. Ok, I do agree with Sir Mixalot, on the other hand, but I wouldn't like anyone to know that I harbour such shallow thoughts...

  7. Gavin McMenemy
    Thumb Up

    Well in the classical world...

    ... a small penis was considered to be a sign of intelligence and good breeding. Only those bestial barbarians were well hung.

    Not sure where I am going with this other than to point out that eh... penis attractiveness does change dependent on cultural sensitivities. Or something.

    Have a "thumbs up"!

    1. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
      Thumb Down

      Re: Well in the classical world...

      And the evidence of this is?

      Maybe the writers were using persuasion to compensate for their lack of physical attributes?

      1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Re: Well in the classical world...

        The evidence is in the form of statues like Michaelangelo's David and various Greek and Roman ones (except those of Baccus, of course, but he epitomised drunken lewd enjoyment)..

        1. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
          Trollface

          Re: Well in the classical world...

          So, you're saying that the ancients had a clear division between intelligence, refinement, shall we say beauty, and virility, lewdness, shall we say eroticism? Further, the correlation between penis size and other attributes of the ancients is exactly the same as suggested in the Register's headline. The cultures may be closer than you believe.

          <- I'm saying nothing about this guy's size.

        2. Obvious Robert
          Thumb Up

          Re: Well in the classical world...

          "except those of Baccus, of course, but he epitomised drunken lewd enjoyment"

          Ah.. my favourite kind!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Well in the classical world...

      " penis attractiveness does change dependent on cultural sensitivities."

      The Ancient Greeks (Athenians?) had a booming medical industry in foreskin extensions. It was considered bad taste for any part of the glans to be exposed. People whose cultures mandated circumcision needed extensive cosmetic surgery if they wanted to succeed in Greek society.

      Classical statues show the Ancient Greeks' aesthetic ideal of a stylised small penis with a long prepuce - a "fireman's hose". The testicles are also shown as very compact. Modern day people judge statues on that understatement as seen in both ancient classical and the imitating neo-classical. They often claim that modern neo-realist sculptures' anatomical accuracy is "not real".

    3. Sea Stories

      Re: Well in the classical world...

      I'm jealous too, Gavin.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

    4. The Indomitable Gall

      Re: Well in the classical world...

      There's another theory that says classical statues are modestly endowed because of the self-consciousness of the patron. Do you want a statue in your home that has a bigger one than you? There have been documented cases of sculptures in the classical style being "reduced" for this very reason.

      (Of course, this goes hand in hand with the observation that most men of average size believe they are smaller than average because foreshortening makes your own penis look short when you look down at it, compared to seeing another man's when he's naked and standing a modest distance away from you.)

  8. David Pollard

    W.H. Auden ...

    ... writing about the complimentary situation, in The Quest, also reckoned that more than one factor is likely to be involved.

    They noticed that virginity was needed

    To trap the unicorn in every case,

    But not that, of those virgins who succeeded,

    A high percentage had an ugly face.

  9. This post has been deleted by its author

  10. Flawless101
    Pint

    Don't think about stuffing that sock down there just yet...

    http://life.nationalpost.com/2013/04/08/size-does-matter-women-rate-men-with-larger-genitalia-as-more-attractive-ottawa-biologist-says/

    "Perhaps unsurprisingly, they preferred men who were tall, long and V-shaped. Overall, body shape accounted for about 80% of the variation in attractiveness scores, penis size about 6% and height about 5%."

    Also, the study doesn't take into account a few things. Such as the female participants may have been biased towards larger penis' based on sexual pleasure, or if you're a grower and not a shower you lose out, and finally other cultures where full clothing isn't typically worn.

    http://www.nature.com/news/bigger-not-always-better-for-penis-size-1.12770

    So there you have it, unless you are short, O shaped, and have a grower rather than a shower then you might want to consider using a lot of socks.

    Then again, if you are tall, V shaped, well endowed and drink too much of tasty beverage in the icon it'll all be for nothing as nothing is making the little private stand to attention.

  11. Cameron Colley

    "Girls don't like boys girls like cars and money."

    Whilst a little glib this pop lyric sums up my experience and observation of human activity: women tend to like men who are well-paid, ambitious and, therefore, have enough resources to spend on a family (talking purely about long-term relationships, of course).

    For one-night stands it's about pure pleasure so surely the tongue length is as, if not more, important as penis length?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "tongue length"

      You're doing it wrong.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "tongue length"

        "You're doing it wrong."

        "No oral sex, please. We're English."

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "tongue length" You're doing it wrong.

        and my money says you're not female

    2. Nuke
      Holmes

      Cameron Colley - Re: "Girls don't like boys girls like cars and money."

      Wrote : "women tend to like men who are well-paid, ambitious"

      There is a a problem with that. Women must first be attracted to the man for other reasons to find those things out, because they are not apparent at first sight or even after a few dates. I have known women complain that they were with a partner for several months before they found out that they were in massive debt or that they did not even have a job ("working from home" but in fact playing computer games).

      I have always been fairly well off, have risen to a senior job, and had some impressive cars too, but you can hardly go around with a sign round your neck saying it. And inside a social function, how do they know what your car is? In my twenties girls tended to ignore me (ie not pursue a conversation) in open social situations because there were always showier (ie louder, not necessarily better looking) guys around, and guys always outnumber girls anyway. All my GFs I met through dating clubs where the first date is essentially 1 to 1.

      I have concluded that women like men who are "entertainers".

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Cameron Colley - "Girls don't like boys girls like cars and money."

        Nuke, they go by first impressions, and that means clothing and grooming. Back it up with some tricks and acting and it's another notch on the bedpost. Thing is women keep falling for the same tricks. They keep going for first impressions, even though they've got stung by it before.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Cameron Colley - "Girls don't like boys girls like cars and money."

        "And inside a social function, how do they know what your car is?"

        My car for many years was a Range Rover. Most women had no idea that they cost a fair bit to buy and run - so were not impressed. The ones who did know the cost said "Oh Mummy has one of those for shopping".

        1. Nuke

          @AC - Re: Cameron Colley - "Girls don't like boys girls like cars and money."

          Wrote :- "My car for many years was a Range Rover. Most women had no idea that they cost a fair bit to buy and run - so were not impressed."

          The impression can be negative. I know a guy with a collection of classics including Mercs, Jaguar XJS's, a Range Rover and even a Cadillac stretch limo. But for dates he has found it best to use a run-of-the-mill diesel Audi, and keeps his collection secret.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Girls don't like boys girls like cars and money."

      "women tend to like men who are well-paid, ambitious and, therefore, have enough resources to spend on a family (talking purely about long-term relationships, of course)."

      Many women do, and they tend to be the shallow, callous, greedy types who then bitch and moan about 'all men are bastards' because men who are available and well-paid and ambitious find being an absolute bastard is the easy route to promotion and have not yet learned how to be a bastard at work and a loving, sensitive partner at home. This is made worse by such men seeing women as a necessary accessory to aid in their promotion prospects.

      However, there are also men whose aim is to get laid as often as possible, and women who are seeking well-paid and ambitious men are easy pickings, simply because they are so shallow themselves. Cue cries of 'all men are bastards' again, as they're used and dumped.

      Strangely, both kinds of 'bastard' tend to drive BMW's or Mercedes, although some have moved on to the Audi recently.

      Oh, and as a boot note: Women might say they like tall, well hung men, but they are quick to complain that it's too big when it comes to the bedroom.

  12. bobbles31
    Coat

    Nothing beats astronaut.....ever!

    Sorry, i know its sad, but when I first saw that ad, it totally cracked me up.

    Mines the one that smells like bad deodorant.

  13. Cipher
    Meh

    This reminds me of...

    ...The penis obsession in Kurt Vonnegut's "Breakfast of Champions."

    Must be a slow tech news day, eh?

  14. John Tserkezis
    Happy

    Isn't the cost of your car inversly proportional to the size of your penis?

    Says the man with the bicycle.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Isn't the cost of your car inversly proportional to the size of your penis?

      What? You have no penis?

      1. Christos Georgiou
        Coat

        Re: Isn't the cost of your car inversly proportional to the size of your penis?

        Lack of car could suggest fullness of penis; a.k.a he might be a dick ;)

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bad news for Ron Jeremy

    "a smaller penis was less of a detriment ... than it was to shorter or potato-shaped"

    Seriously, I stood next to him @ airport luggage. Short guy and I am only 5'10".

    Then again, I've seen him claim that he's invested his $ quite wisely, so he's got 2 things going for him at least.

    p.s. Darn Reg changed the article thumbnail on me so now I ain't hardly original, am I?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Bad news for Ron Jeremy

      Having seen some entertaining "before and after" photographs of The Hedgehog's co-stars, I'm reasonably certain that despite his physique he most definitely made an impression on those ladies.

  16. OzBob
    Trollface

    Surely in this world of equality,...

    any woman's vagina that can accommodate more than the average male penis length should be considered "too large"? Why is it always the guys fault if they have to tie a plank to their back beforehand to avoid falling in?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Surely in this world of equality,...

      If the woman gets a leg up on the man it's equality. If the man reasonably asks for equal treatment it's misogynist.

      Equality only goes one way these days.

    2. Jason 24
      Happy

      Re: Surely in this world of equality,...

      Have an upvote for the mental image that gave me, haha!!

  17. DF118

    All well and good, but does the research have anything to say about those of us who are endowed with a face like a half-chewed toffo?

    1. JeevesMkII
      Big Brother

      Walk around with your penis out. Then nobody will notice.

  18. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    Ig Nobel prize nominee

    if ever there was one. Also suitable for the "Scientists now know" and "Boys will be boys" sections of Annals of Improbable Research

  19. Ralph B
    Meh

    Ignoring the Feedback Loop?

    I wonder if these boffins are missing something here. A larger penis may also indicate a semi-erect penis, which might indicate to the viewer that the penis-owner might be attracted to the viewer. And there's (often) nothing more attractive than having someone attracted to you, eh?

    They might also compare smiling and non-smiling images.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ignoring the Feedback Loop?

      " And there's (often) nothing more attractive than having someone attracted to you, eh?"

      Depends who it is who has the erection, or indeed the semi. Waking up and seeing a clown with an erection is the sign of a very bad day for most people.

      1. Nuke
        Coffee/keyboard

        @AC, 14:27 - Re: Ignoring the Feedback Loop?

        Wrote :- "Waking up and seeing a clown with an erection is the sign of a very bad day for most people."

        New keyboard from you please !

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm a grower not a shower

    What if you're a grower and not a shower?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I'm a grower not a shower

      What does being a gardener but not going to horticultural events have to do with it?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I'm a grower not a shower

        I was also surprised at being the idea of being a gardener but not a meteorological event involving falling water, until I looked up the definition, whereupon it all became clear:

        http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/precipitate

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Variables

    The pictures accompanying the article are misleading. They imply that shorter men have smaller penises. It is my understanding that the range of penis sizes in a given genetic population is unrelated to their owners' heights.

    As has been already pointed out - the flaccid size of a man's penis changes considerably dependent on various factors eg temperature.

    Notwithstanding the differences in size of flaccid penises - their erect sizes are in a much closer range. Some expand more than others - but the majority end up pretty much the same size.

    A friend fits the description of tall "hunk". His body is in proportion and his height is not obvious until you get close. However for her extra-marital flings his wife prefers short men - because their penis size "looks" bigger relative to their height.

    1. peyton?

      Re: Variables

      I noticed that as well. But it also says there were 53 models total, so hopefully they mixed it up a bit beyond the sample pic.

  22. Corinne

    A woman's point of view......

    As many have said - what about the grower vs shower issue?

    There IS such a thing as "too big"

    The hand size to penis size ratio is a fallacy, as is foot size to penis size, as is nose to penis (all told to me in girly chats over the years)

    Girth is as important (if not more so) than length

    However much you have, it's how well you use it!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A woman's point of view......

      "There IS such a thing as "too big""

      Too long can cause bruising to the cervix. The Western average of 150mm (6 inches) is pretty much the optimum length for good penetration without risking bruising.

      1. Tim Worstal

        Re: A woman's point of view......

        Indeed, there's an "optimal" length there.

        Too long and the cervix, not really known as an erogenous zone, risks getting bruised (as goes the glans actually). Thus "too" long means not fully entering the vagina.

        On the other hand, fully entering brings the mons pubis into contact, or at least aids in stimulation of, the clitoris (in most of the face to face variations at least).

        Girth is another matter but length, definitely a trade off taking place there.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: There IS such a thing as "too big"

      Tell me about it.

      I envy men that can put it all the way in.

      1. LPF

        Re: There IS such a thing as "too big"

        lol - see what you did there

    3. This post has been deleted by its author

    4. C 18
      Happy

      Re: A woman's point of view......

      >The hand size to penis size ratio is a fallacy...

      Phallusy more like?

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A woman's point of view......

      Gay guys are the real size queens... much more demanding than women in that regard.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: A woman's point of view......

        "Gay guys are the real size queens... much more demanding than women in that regard."

        It's sort of understandable, I hardly notice it unless it is slightly too big- unless it's almost too much, it tends not to be very interesting (though that might be partly because I like the slightly scared, submissive dynamic it brings :D). (WAY TMI, so AC all the way)

        Having had to have the awkward "honey, maybe you should buy a bigger strapon" conversation, I was very glad that my partner isn't male. That would have been an unfortunate situation, rather than a hilarious one. I suppose if I was with a guy instead, and he didn't impress in that respect, I would have seemed terribly shallow, too, for looking elsewhere.

  23. Andy 66
    Boffin

    Good use of public money

    How is this research, funded by public money, in the public's interest? Why was this even funded in the first place?

    This is EvoDevo research at its most useless

    +++

    This project was funded by the Australian Research Council; ethics approval was granted through Monash University (MUHREC Approval CF11/1378 2011000764).

    +++

    Just grumpy cos my last grant on a cancer project was refused.

    And cos I have small hands.

  24. wolfetone Silver badge
    Facepalm

    I've been mislead all my life

    Here was me thinking that when it came to todger size that it was in reference to when the penis was erect not flacid. Now I find out that it's actually down to the flacid size? This explains why I've had no action wearing the mankini...

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Being large in thr trouser department is bad. Most women outside of a porn movie do not like big as it is uncomfortable at least if not painful.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @AC at 08:30

      AC wrote : - "Most women outside of a porn movie do not like big as it is uncomfortable at least if not painful."

      Don't agree. I am big, and I have known women to be scared by it. But the important thing is to be gentle and then they end up unable to get enough of it. I gather that many men (of any size) are quite rough and inconsiderate.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Being large in thr trouser department is bad. Most women outside of a porn movie do not like big as it is uncomfortable at least if not painful."

      Maybe if you just try to ram it in, sure. Start off slowly, get everyone properly excited, and you will see some new facial expressions, and possibly hear some new swear words, after a little time. A little care and attention will allow you to deposit anything smaller than a medium-sized library.

  26. JimmyPage Silver badge
    Stop

    Did no one notice ...

    the subtle shadow of the todger in the pictures ? Perhaps they should have used examples lit from the front, not side ....

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Take it from me.. (slightly rude)

    Im just the right size, not too big, not too small, but while women claim they like big men, the reality is that they love the feeling of balls banging away on them.

    I have been with girls where I have tickled their cervix and it can be more of a turn off if your a little too rough.

    You only have to watch a bluey with a monster member where he's on the other side of the room. where's the fun in that!!

  28. Graham Marsden
    Coat

    Sounds like...

    ... a load of bollocks to me...

  29. IronSteve

    It only matters if it's too small or too big

    ...once in the average range it's what you do with it that counts.

    I can see why a micro penis would affect attractiveness...but most woman aren't exactly crying out for a Dirk Diggler unless they enjoy walking like John Wayne on a regular basis

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Gimp

    I'll stick with the Galaxy Note.

    I gotta bigger one and you're holding it wrong.

  31. John H Woods

    BMI...

    ... the research also suggests that the preference for bigger members was more marked in women with a bigger BMI. This may be obvious, but I expected some commentards to have something to say about it ...

  32. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
    Paris Hilton

    The size of the hammer

    The important question is not the size of the hammer but whether or not you can hit the nail on the head

  33. Juan Inamillion
    Coat

    Well as a friend said to me...

    'enough for two hands and a chicken to perch on' did ok for him....

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Well as a friend said to me...

      « 'enough for two hands and a chicken to perch on' »

      Groan! <Writing this one down> :)

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Without this, even the biggest spam javelin in the history of humanity is unlikely to make much impression on the ladies."

    Tell this to the iPhone toting Jeremy Kyle guests! An arguing couple, both as FUGLY as thatcher, the "girl" when asked why she continues to have unprotected sex with the monster, said "cause he's hung like a donkey".

    Totally contradictory to what a tax payers report has said.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    show them the bank account/wallet size first

    and see that the cash overrides all other determining factors.

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Without this, even the biggest spam javelin in the history of humanity is unlikely to make much impression on the ladies.

    According to a couple guys I know who are rumored, and claim, to have extraordinary organs, a freakishly large tool tends to scare most women off. (Though I seriously doubt one of them has much experience in that department. If he does someone should tell his boyfriend.)

  37. Igor76
    Coat

    Surely Pro. Randy Marsh has solved this for us?

    ((L*D)+(W/G))/(A^2)

    Length times Diameter plus Weight over Girth divided by Angle of the tip squared

    1. Crisp Silver badge

      Re: Surely Pro. Randy Marsh has solved this for us?

      That's TMI

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