back to article Norkoshop: How Pyongyang well and truly forked Adobe

The recent news that North Korea had been caught red-handed indulging in some not-so-light hovercraft cloning, led our beloved Reg commenters to ponder just what software Pyongyang uses to big up its military capabilities. One initial suggestion was that the communist state's Illustrious Father and Leader, Kim Jong-Un, had …

COMMENTS

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  1. FartingHippo
    WTF?

    WTF?

    That is all.

    1. Psyx
      Pint

      Re: WTF?

      Genius; that's what it is.

    2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      I bow my head in utter respect

      Honestly, this is one heck of an elaborate Friday p*ss take. Brilliant!

      More, please!

      1. Rampant Spaniel

        Re: I bow my head in utter respect

        Truly superb! Plus any excuse to say they forked the gimp is worth a shot.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      FAIL

      Re: WTF?

      It's something to do with sucking American cock I think.

  2. nsld
    Paris Hilton

    Ronery

    I thought a Norkoshop was a place to purchase ladies undergarments.........

  3. Aoyagi Aichou
    Mushroom

    Well

    Let us know when you receive the first threats of "considerable" nuclear bombing from the Nork overlords. You surely have just exposed a state secret and Mr. Kim Kim Kim cannot have that.

    1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

      Re: Well

      Also promoted some punk to a major, I'm sure it's illegal.

  4. Jamie Jones Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Ahhhhhhhh. It's friday!

    Beats "April fools day" for many reasons!

  5. Mikel
    Devil

    Topic? What's a topic?

    You promised me a silver badge, you badgestiges, if I climbed your hill. The hill is climbed. Where is my badge?

    1. Psyx
      Pint

      Re: Topic? What's a topic?

      You don't need no Steenkin' badges.

      1. Thomas 4
        Stop

        Re: Topic? What's a topic?

        We don't need peasants like you in The Silver Badge Club. You're also not allowed in our treehouse. Nyer-nyer.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Happy

          Re: Topic? What's a topic?

          We don't need peasants like you in The Silver Badge Club. You're also not allowed in our treehouse. Nyer-nyer.

          Thomas 4,

          But your Silver Badge Clubtreehouse smells of poo, and no-one wants to go in there. We've got Golden-Badgers and we're not sharing...

          1. Narlaquin

            Re: Topic? What's a topic?

            We of the No Badge club laugh as you all try to outdo yourselves ingratiating yourselves with the Imperialist Running Dogs. We True Followers care not for such shiny trappings. We are content to remain silent, safe in the knowledge that our strength encourages Mother Vulture.

    2. Rampant Spaniel

      Re: Topic? What's a topic?

      I passed 2k a while back, it's no worry. Someone probably duffed the cronjob settings ;-) Just enjoy the chaos.

      1. Chairo

        Re: Topic? What's a topic?

        Hmm, more than 2k? When I check your posts I can see less than 1k.

        Could it be that more than half of your posts were "AC" postings?

        Well - if the credit system stops people from posting AC, It might perhaps not be completely pointless...

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: Topic? What's a topic?

          Chairo,

          No he's got his lovely bronze badge already, for posting over 100 times in a year. As you say, he's got just shy of 1,000 posts.

          The 2k refers to combined upvotes. Which you can tell from looking, but only if you're sad enough to read through all 998 posts and count the upvotes... That's what gets you your silver badge. I saw a comment from someone else who should have a bronze by now but hasn't, so it looks like El Reg's badgey-script ain't up to muster.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Topic? What's a topic?

            I must admit it's kinda funny to see all that badge envy :)

            1. Danny 14 Silver badge
              Unhappy

              Re: Topic? What's a topic?

              Mine borked too. Sniff.

              1. Danny 14 Silver badge

                Re: Topic? What's a topic?

                oh not any more. nothing to see here please move along.

                1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
                  Angel

                  Re: Topic? What's a topic?

                  All Hail Me! I posted links to this in the bug thread, and El Reg beat their badge-script lackeys a bit harder, and now there are badgers for all! I shall award myself a virtuous halo of smugness.

                  Of course someone in a basement in Register Towers did all the actual work, but like pointy haloed bosses everywhere, I'm going to claim the credit anyway... Nice quick work for El Reg to fix something minor like this.

                  If we're going to have badges though, we ought to have one that celebrates how many downvotes you've achieved. Perhaps a poo-brown one, or something. 'I may comment lots, with my shiny badge, but actually everyone hates what I say.'

          2. Chairo

            Re: Topic? What's a topic?

            I stand corrected.

            And have to say sorry for implying AC abuse...

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Topic? What's a topic?

      where's your badge ... no idea, but if it turns up my adblock rules ensure that I'll never see it!

  6. lawndart

    says:

    Lester, the instructions on the glue clearly states that it should only be used in a well ventilated room.

  7. Chicken Marengo
    Thumb Up

    Not a bad review comrade

    However, you failed to mention one of the fonts, Commie Sans.

    1. Anton Channing
      Coat

      Re: Not a bad review comrade

      Norko typographers really hate that one...

    2. apjanes
      Thumb Up

      Re: Not a bad review comrade

      Except in North Korea it would have to ve 'Commie Avec' as anything without 'Commie' is a no-no!

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So ronery...

    Does it have a wizard? In the style of early MS Word, it could have a cheery little animated AK-47 saying "It looks like you are creating a death warrant. Would you like some help with that?"

  9. Jim Willsher
    Megaphone

    Someone at Reg Towers has far too much time on their hands. You could be using that time to make us all a coffee.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      That'd be cofftea for you matey

      Nah, I'm busy. Make yourself a nice cofftea though... http://www.theregister.co.uk/2013/02/15/cuppa_round_up/

    2. Grave

      pathetic

      so you keep lapping up the koolaid your overlords have been spilling. just pathetic how people gang up on whatever target their overlords point them to for the blame or as a scapegoat, be it former eastern block countries, cuba, vietnam, iraq, iran, north korea and so on.

      propaganda at its worst. you will have no one else to blame but yourself when the crap hits your own fan. you know, "what goes around comes around", or less poetic "karma is a bitch"

      1. Steven Roper
        FAIL

        Re: pathetic

        I don't know if you've been to North Korea or not, Grave, but if you have any shred of human decency about you I'd say you most likely haven't, because if you have and can still post that with a clean conscience, I'd sincerely hope you aren't going to get anywhere near any political power any time soon.

        I haven't visited North Korea myself; but one of our clients had, some years back, and over a nice half-day business lunch she told us all about her 3-week stay there. Like you, she had cause to doubt "Western propaganda", and decided to go see for herself what life in North Korea was like.

        During that time she was micromanaged beyond belief; she could not go anywhere without her "guide", who carefully ensured any photos she took reflected well upon North Korea, she could only go to designated areas obviously designed to dupe tourists into thinking everything was absolutely wonderful there, and the guide even dictated to which of the carefully selected locals she was allowed to speak to - and even what she was and was not allowed to say to them.

        This, all the while constantly insisting that the freedoms, luxuries and privileges enjoyed by the people of North Korea under the benevolent, prosperous and enlightened Kim rule far surpassed anything granted to us poor victims of greedy capitalism here in the West. And the guide gave every indication of absolutely believing everything she said.

        One thing our client made very clear was that the rule of the Kim dictators goes way beyond mere totalitarianism and deep into the worst bowels of fundamentalist religion, with a fervour, zealotry and abhorrence of heresy that makes even the Inquisition or Hezbollah look like libertarians in comparison. Children are systematically taught in schools that Kim Il-Sung is to all intents and purposes God, that all good things in the world come from him, and all bad things come from disobeying him. It is dinned into them, every lesson, every day, at school and at home. Even the childrens' games involve adulation of the "Dear Guide."

        And it is all done in such a convincing and manipulative manner - and my client described this as the worst horror she experienced - that she even started believing it herself within a week or so of staying there, so insidious was the constant propaganda bombardment. That was the real eye-opener. If they could come that close to convincing a skeptical western tourist in the time of a 3 week stay, of Kim's "kindness and love for his people", imagine what a lifetime of it must do to the poor sods who live there.

        Now this hyper-religious despotism ruled by insanely egotistical nutjobs is threatening to murder millions of innocent people with nuclear weapons and fanatical warfare. It is not the USA, or Europe, or South Korea making these threats. It is North Korea's rulers themselves making these threats. And you have the gall to have a go at the Reg for taking the piss out of these bastards, simply to show us all how edgy and anti-establishment you are. Hooray. What a marvellous freedom-fighting hero. Clap, clap.

        Yes, in your case, I really do hope "what goes around comes around", and "karma is a bitch". Hopefully you get to live in North Korea since you love it so much, if you think they're just a scapegoat for Western propaganda. You'd most likely really enjoy life there after a while.

        1. Northumbrian

          Re: pathetic

          Remember one thing posted re NK which I read some months ago. The bloke writing it had been on some mission to NK during one of the periods of thaw and had been in contact with a group of (I think) engineers or some such. They did have minders, but the atmosphere was genuinely friendly and they swapped stories.

          The man said they seemed to take most things in their stride and he'd become very sceptical about the standard accounts of the NK mentality. Then he mentioned the US moon landings and the was total incredulity - everyone simply refused to believe it. If such a thing had happened (a) they would have been told about it and (b) it would have been done by NK. He was sure that these folks genuinely believed that NK was the most technologically advanced country in the world.

          There was, from a similar period, a documentary made about a presumably fairly ordinary family living in the suburbs of Peonyang and certainly the children seemed to believe the entire package - including the bit about the American practice of kidnapping and killing innocent South Korean children. I can't remember if they also believed that the people of South Korea were starving under the American yoke.

          And the stories about Kim Il Sung (these were in Kim Jong-Il days) made it clear that he was a God Emperor.

          What did the man say, if you want to make a lie believable make it a Big Lie.

          1. Northumbrian

            Re: pathetic, addendum to previous post

            "Our minders were young men, mostly educated in China, Russia, even Malta, and we never knew exactly which institutions commanded their loyalty.

            Over evening drinks they would crack hilarious jokes.

            One night, the conversation turned to America and the 1969 moon landing. Despite their differences, our highly intelligent guides became deadly serious, insisting that this historic event had never happened because North Korea would be the first country to send a man to the moon. "

            http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16252540

        2. Grave

          Re: pathetic

          i was going to skip any replies, but you've taken the time to post a lengthy one so i'm adding a bit

          i've grown up in a former eastern bloc country so you don't have tell me what to like or dislike (without any political affiliation). i most certainly am and always was against any establishments and authority, be it obvious totalitarian regimes, or well obscured western plutarchic capitalist regimes. you're not without guilt when it comes to critical situations in number of former/current totalitarian regimes, allowing psychopaths to raise in power just because the regime they leech off of is different from the one of your overlords, or because they can make a profit from or sabotage competing regimes.

          i just have a distaste for subliminal persuasion and propaganda which has been going on for centuries, perpetrated by parasites in power. always finding, or making external scapegoats and enemies, to divert public attention from their pitiful little power games.

          1. Steven Roper

            Re: pathetic

            "i just have a distaste for subliminal persuasion and propaganda which has been going on for centuries, perpetrated by parasites in power..."

            As do I, mate, very definitely. You only need to read my many rants on this forum to see that I also am very against the kind of mass social engineering, "political correctness" and abuses of psychological science used to manipulate and control the public.

            Yes, many things about the USA and its allies get my stink on too, so I certainly don't follow them blindly either. And not for nothing do I refer to my own country as "the Nanny State Republic of Ausfailia" when the prissy government of this benighted shithole pisses me off.

            Your original post, however, unfortunately came across as sounding very like a typical angsty post-adolescent trying to seem edgy by railing against the West in favour of any regime that is their enemy, no matter how despotic. To me such people lack perspective; the Western regime is corrupt and greedy and seriously needs a big kick up the bum, certainly, but it's nowhere near as evil as the regimes in North Korea or Syria or Congo or the like. Those regimes are far more deadly and oppressive than what we live under. So if that was not your intention, then I apologise for the snarkiness of my response.

            At the same time, I agree that what we have to put up with is still completely unacceptable. People who dismiss our political issues as "first world problems" annoy me just as much as those who make overblown comparisons between Western governments and barbaric regimes like those third-world dictatorships referred to. Supporting the likes of North Korea because we're pissed off with greedy bankers and corrupt politicians is not the way to go; there's a saying relating to that mentality that goes, "out of the frying pan into the fire." That's why I jump on those angsty supporters of NK and Iran and so forth, because they're so blinded by their anger at the injustices of the West that they don't see the even greater injustices of the third world - which they would see replace our own!

            It comes down to "better the devil you know", I suppose. But it's still a devil.

            1. Grave

              Re: pathetic

              sorry for not being able to explain it my initial post more clearly.

              i'm not sure how to better explain what i meant, by saying "propaganda" i did not mean "what they say about nk" is not true or that i support nk, but about how its repeated over and over to point out the negatives about a preselected group of targets to divert public attention from domestic problems.

              karma bit was meant for those in power. they will eventually get whats coming to them. sadly as history goes it ends up with millions of innocent suffering or worse.

  10. Dave 126 Silver badge

    I did like the spoof Facebook status update:

    Kim Jong Un: I really really mean it this time!!!

    [America likes this]

    China: What's up, hun?

  11. Danny 14 Silver badge
    Facepalm

    And these people have nuclear weapons.

    God help us all.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      El Reg has nukes?!

      God help us all indeed.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        >El Reg has nukes?!

        Yeah they do, but for peaceful purposes. The SPB has yet to finish proof-reading their report on their efforts, though:

        Having sourced material from smoke alarms processed on a conventional gas hob, they intend to put a plymobilenaut into orbit by launching a succession of bombs behind the launch vehicle.

        See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Orion_(nuclear_propulsion) for more details of this principle.

    2. Psyx
      Stop

      They have nuclear devices capable of creating a detonation. That's not the same as a nuclear weapon. They could still be the size of a truck and not in any way weaponised.

      Possibly plural ones. Maybe not.

      The worrying thing is that they WILL have if left to their own devices, which is precisely the problem.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        >They have nuclear devices capable of creating a detonation. That's not the same as a nuclear weapon. They could still be the size of a truck and not in any way weaponised.

        An ICBM, it is true, does allow you to place the 'kaboom!' on your enemies and not on yourself (a rough and ready definition of weapon), but a boat would do the trick as well- albeit slower and open to interception.

        If a bloody large wooden horse is off-loaded in a US port with a tag reading "To honour our victorious enemies, love and kisses, Kim Jong Un"....

        1. Psyx

          There's more to it than even just putting it on a boat, though. It would need to be ruggedised enough to be slopped up and down on the water, and still potentially miniaturised.

          And you've still got to sail it into harbour. Which would have to be done by deceit and is which is against a whole slew of rules of warfare. There's no way that during a real shooting match the South would let a North Korean ship blithly sail up to anything important.

          Here's an early US nuke (the first fusion device). Note mention of cryogenics and the sheer scale of it:

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivy_Mike

          1. Ramiro
            Mushroom

            Fusion no fission

            That's a fusion device, I'd expect fission devices to be a lot more compact, a lot simpler, and a lot more rugged.

            I'm told even fission devices can make a loud bang.

          2. Reality Dysfunction
            Mushroom

            Most of the size there is in the monitoring equipment for which there is no need. These days the Norks or anyone else could easily enough get something down to the size of a standard shipping container. Assuming they had no need of additional shielding to prevent it being found i.e was going to be lit off before the container was processed in US dockyards

        2. John Sager

          Re Horse

          The Kid might have had his brain zapped by that Swiss finishing school, but even he would know that the US would only be accept a wooden rabbit.

    3. Irongut

      Ye gods who gave Lester nukes?!? I knew LOHAN was coming along niceley but...

      1. Kevin 6
        Mushroom

        Didn't know LOHAN really stood for Low Orbit Homing Assisted Nuke

        Icon for obvious reasons

  12. joeW Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Where can I pick up a copy?

    The harsh regulations of the Nork regime might actually be an improvement on Adobe's EULA.

    1. IT Drone

      Re: Where can I pick up a copy?

      And Adobe's incessant update nag is surely less obtrusive than any in-product brainwashing bundled by the Norks.

  13. rich_a
    Coat

    Not legit

    The hammer and sickle in the screenshots show that this software may not be legit. Any Kim (Il-Sung|Jong-(Il|Un)) fan will know that North Korea's communist symbol is the Hammer, Sickle and the Brush. The former two represent the worker and peasant, while the latter celebrates the intellectual.

  14. frobnicate
    Devil

    Obviously fake.

    There can be no "divine anything font" in a society happily free from the bourgeois capitalist-imperialist state ideology of worshipping imaginary dead. Back to a drawing board, comrade!

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Also for export

    Rumour has it the Norks are in negotiation with the Tory party's "Land of Hope & Glory" wing to provide a suitably modified version for use in the press office. The obvious and necessary changes to the "Glorious Leader" plugin have caused some hilarious mix ups as the Norks reported problems properly integrating the Blue Rinse + handbag filters. There were also a few misunderstandings about the role of the proletariat, with the first Nork beta having check boxes only for "Heroic" and "Stoicly heroic in the line of duty under fire" (complete with Bearskins and bagpipes, which Kim Jr rather admires, apparently), but which omitted the "cloven hooves", "scales", "pointy tail", "European" and "16 benefit scrounging dependants" options chosen by a committee of Tory backbenchers. The "unacceptable taxpayer supported lifestyle" texture fill plugin will however be available with the first update, as requested by the Treasury.

    There's also reported to be a "Churchillian" auto optimiser which rather cleverly applies an "roseate" airbrushing effect to recent rather than distant history, with development sponsored by the banking industry. A reverse effect was also included at the request of No 10, codename "Boris". The idea for this originated from a failed plugin project intended to make George Osbourne and Michael Gove visually palatable, but which was eventually abandoned as the Cray Titan became unstable after only 45 minutes of of the 12 hours estimated rendering.

    Rumour has the Norks are inundated with similar requests from other dictatorships in need of a makeover and view this as potentially more profitable than nuclear blackmail.

    1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

      Re: Also for export

      You have totally mixed up your "left" and "right" senses. But don't worry, I am sure that if you apply for a political asylum, the Norks will be happy to oblige. They will also cure your left-right confusion PDQ. Oh, and don't wait too long - the fewer raving pseudo-socialist morons this country has at any particular time, the better...

      1. TrishaD

        Re: Also for export

        "You have totally mixed up your "left" and "right" senses. But don't worry, I am sure that if you apply for a political asylum, the Norks will be happy to oblige. They will also cure your left-right confusion PDQ. Oh, and don't wait too long - the fewer raving pseudo-socialist morons this country has at any particular time, the better."

        The point being made, Shirley, is that governmental idiocy respects no political boundaries. Or are we no longer allowed to criticise our own Glorious Leaders?

        1. danbi

          Re: Also for export

          "Or are we no longer allowed to criticise our own Glorious Leaders?"

          As long and you don't export them, you are licensed to worship them as much as you desire.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Also for export

        Hey Vlad, lighten up. The small minded, demonising of "other" comes in a variety of hues, and xenophobia tends to be ambidextrous. As is satire.

  16. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Pint

    Big Brother Printer!

    And then Winston Smith woke up. Had it just been a dream?

  17. darkmage0707077
    Happy

    Fantastic work, people! I especially liked the "hair makeover" bit where it simply takes the source image's cranium and pastes it over the photo to be altered. My Friday is made now.

  18. Mike Richards

    Is anyone sure that Lester's Special Projects Bureau isn't actually a front for the North Koreans? We've been worried about ICBMs, but perhaps the Register's very own Werhner von Braun has been working on a burro-bomb that can be sneaked into a perfectly innocent donkey sanctuary on the south coast of England.

  19. Stevie Silver badge

    Heh!

    Drollery. Ur doin it rite.

  20. Wzrd1

    So, the *real* title is, Adobe pwned yet AGAIN.

    And again.

    And again..

    And again...

    Ad absurdium.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Reeducate next to Execute tickles me.

  22. bearded bear can
    Pint

    Really?

    "Coz I'm the big attention whore"

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