Lies, damned lies and statistics
Says it all, really.
Oh BTW. Why didn't the episode end with Kzzzerrrt?
"I'm just a bit worried about these statistics," the Boss says, lurching into Mission Control with yet another swadge of meaningless numbers. "Told you so," I respond. [FLASHBACK TO A WEEK AGO] "I'm a bit worried about these weekly statistics," the Boss says, lurching into Mission Control with a swadge of meaningless numbers …
Oh, I dunno. I got; <THWACK>, "Aaaargghhhh", <THUD>, <roll, roll>, <heave>, "Brrmm, brrmm, brrmm", <shovel, shovel shovel>, <sprinkle, sprinkle>, <heave>, <KerFLUMP>, <shovel, shovel>, "Brrmm, brrmm, brrmm", "Six pints of lager to celebrate a job well done please barman".
Then again, there's always the diplomatic option. E.g. a mysterious Active Directory glitch remapping the CEO's shared spreadsheet directory to "the Boss's secret porn stash". A.k.a. a folder full of foetid filth with everything owned by the Boss's user ID and which the server logs and backups show has been there and actively added to for some time.....
Instead of <THWACK>, try <ring ring>, "Hel- ", <KZZZEEERRT>, "AAAAAAUUGGGHHH!", then <THUD>, <roll, roll>, and so on. Since this particular boss seems to be on about snappy phone response, connecting his handset to the leccy main (or the PFY's "induction tester") should serve that purpose.
Ha ha ha - When I worked on a helpdesk, almost a thousand years ago we used an aspect phone system. Simply by dialling a number and hanging up I was placed at the back of the queue for available agents.
This helped maintain my call statistics for over a year. What I found more surprising is that the fellow drones had not worked this out. But then again, they were typical helpdeskers without a hint of BOFH about them.
Bring back Kzzzerrrt - are you onomatopoeia -ist ??
Prod less episodes need killer robots. (can they make a come back?)
agree it needed a destination for forwarding I was expecting a booking line for colonic irrigation that demanded details & credit card or the aforementioned executive stress relief with a backhander to BOFH.
but minor criticism's apart it was the usual amusing observations.
When are we going to have the king / pirate treasure under the server room, offshoring the accounting team etc.
Oh, such as the boss's phone line becoming short circuited with the 68 KV electric transmission line that runs down the road outside the building? Can't imagine how that might have happened. Perhaps it was one of the neighbourhood kids that was flying a kite with a wire instead of a string, a wire that just happened to be anchored to the boss's phone..
Ours have come up with a slightly more cunning approach than that.
They look at it and decide that, yes, that is a problem. Having figured out that there is a problem in there somewhere they convert the service call to a problem ticket, which doesn't have a TRT........
As I was reading this (chuckling along the way) I glanced down to see how much more there was to read, finding only a few more inches to go with no "next page" link. I was worried that the ending was going to be unsatisfactory given the scant few lines remaining. However, I was not disappointed! Top episode--Chin-chin!
The actual line "50% of you are performing below average, if you don't sort it out we will apply a disciplinary". Well, numbers may have been different, but it was the same meaning (10% of you are below the 10% mark). I tried to explain that we would just be playing musical chairs all the time instead of actually getting any work done if we tried to "fight" over who had the below average call durations etc. :P
had call loggers take the call and type it in and give it a level of "hurt".
Very good on first level SLA's
Saved so much time for the "techs"; think 30% of calls cound be fixed faster than the time it took for the call being logged and even better if the call loggers were slow and we could get them to call back to clear.
The rest were harder
When I left that company we had a manager just to deal with SLA complainers
Two most used replies covered about a 1/3 of complainers
" We started fixing problem within 20 mins of calling logged" aka total fuck ups take longer to fix
" Your end had connection problems for us to dial in" aka you removed/diconnected/unpluged the phone line
I would be suprised if the BOFH didn't hac...er...update the phone system with a maze of user data inputs (employee number, password, hat size, etc), make the responses 160 levels deep with random recursive dumps back to level one, and any user error would dump the user back to level one, where they would have to start the process all over again. Be sure to put in 6 level deep confirmation scripts (User presses #1. "You said yes, is this correct? You said yes is correct. Is this correct?" etc.), and vary the "YES" response so it isn't always the number 1 - sometimes it would be 2 or 3, with 1 being NO and 2 being I DON'T KNOW (dumps user back to level one).
Ninty-nine percent of users would give up, and never actually reach the hell desk at all.
They started 'measuring' the break-fix group. We met all our SLA's every time. SO they changed the metric. We still met our SLA. They changed it again. We started missing a few, then corrected. They changed it again. We started failing again. Then they *really* changed the metrics.
We looked like complete shite after that and they had the nerve to tell us so. Which was reflected in our yearly eval. I told them that you can't apply a performance metric to the number 'unplanned maintenance', only on the work performed. They didn't like that (as evidenced by the 0% bump in pay I got that year).
...Mine the one with the 12% pay increase in the pocket to go to another company.
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