back to article Perfect sex minx calculated from 'deep' probe of X-rated flicks

Hardcore data analysis of hardcore web filth has produced a surprise finding: the average female porn star is NOT blonde nor does she sport oversized Bulgarian airbags. Investigative writer Jon Millward dedicated six months of his life to the task of crunching through vital statistics in the largest database of adult …

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  1. jake Silver badge
    Pint

    ::yawns::

    Whatever.

    As a dude who has been in charge of finding workplace (and .edu) bandwidth wasters, porn is porn. From my perspective, as long as there's explicit sex involving at least one warm body, nobody seems to care about the physical details of the "actor(s)".

    Sex is completely normal. Wasting institution bandwidth is a firing offense.

    Beer. Because sometimes its necessary after reviewing a CEO's network access log ...

    1. Danny 14 Silver badge

      Re: ::yawns::

      Not sure on the down vote, surely porn is in the eye of the beholder?

      1. jake Silver badge

        @Danny 14 (was: Re: ::yawns::)

        That's my take on it ...

      2. This post has been deleted by a moderator

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: ::yawns::

          @acerimmer. . Surely nominative determinism would have it the Brown Eye ..

    2. Anonymous Coward
      WTF?

      What a jake-off

      @jake - There's no end of opportunity in this article for humor but you, you had to waste 3 para's saying nothing more that 'I'm a prig'... Jeez, get a life

      1. jake Silver badge

        @Nicho (Was: Re: What a jake-off)

        Try re-reading mine for content, instead of automagically looking for teen-age locker-room humor. Here's a hint for your happy ass ... Over-analyzing porn is an utterly useless occupation.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Mushroom

          Re: @Nicho (Was: What a jake-off)

          @jake again. If you insist, let's go there. 1st sentence. irrelevant. Your job .. Such that it is .. Does not provide any special qualification for judging porn. 2nd sentence is opinion so that's OK .. Thing is, it really is just an opinion and you don't provide a single shred of supporting evidence. That renders it, dare I say, a waste of bandwidth. 3rd and 4th sentences are both non sequiturs. No one cares whether your company fires people for looking at porn because the article wasn't about that. Similarly, no one cares that you get to see what the CEO looks at and again, it has nothing to do with the article. It might have marginal relevance if you were to claim that your CEO looks at porn - Do you want to make that claim ? and if not, exactly what content is it that we're supposed to find so interesting ?

          1. jake Silver badge

            @nicho (was: Re: @Nicho (Was: What a jake-off))

            "1st sentence. irrelevant. Your job .. Such that it is .."

            That's the second sentence. Try reading for comprehension.

            "Does not provide any special qualification for judging porn."

            I know what porn is when I see it. So do you. So does everyone reading this commentardary. So drop the pretension before everyone upvotes you, proving how stupid ElReg's readership is rapidly becoming.

            "2nd sentence is opinion so that's OK .."

            Oh, gee, thanks. I'm so happy that you approve. And that's the third, for the math(s) impaired. I'll stop counting now, seeing as you never attempted.

            "Thing is, it really is just an opinion and you don't provide a single shred of supporting evidence. That renders it, dare I say, a waste of bandwidth."

            And your reply is ... What. exactly? All I can say is that if you have access to a teenage/collage age boy's computer, or the computer of a man in an executive position who thinks he's beyond reprimand, there will be traces of porn of all kinds on it. Trust me. I've seen it. On all of them. For decades. Part of my "job" (such that it is), is fixing systems after users get in over their heads. Often (usually?) because of browsing "free porn" sites. Being a conslutant is a bitch.

            My point was that porn is porn, in all it's various boring iterations. Trying to pinpoint perfect "ideals" for the porn industry is an exercise in stupidity. I feel very, very sorry for Jon Millward's .sig Other(s) ... I mean, seriously, six months of hs life for this? What a monumental waste of time.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: @Nicho (Was: What a jake-off)

          "Over-analyzing porn is an utterly useless occupation"

          Much like analyzing bandwidth for "institutions"....

        3. gromm

          Re: @Nicho (Was: What a jake-off)

          Oh, I completely agree that this analysis is a complete waste of time. Especially considering that anyone with eyes can see that the girls in porn don't fit any stereotype except that most of them are skinny. Rule 34 notwithstanding, but that part was taken care of by the "top most popular porn stars" part of the analysis.

        4. FutureShock999
          Boffin

          Re: @Nicho (Was: What a jake-off)

          Totally incorrect. ANYONE that works in advertising and marketing would very much like to know that research because it is likely that the output of that would be a face that would, de facto, appeal to a large number of men. Not just for porn, but also to pose with automobiles, mobile phones, vacations to warm beaches, etc. Basically anything that you would want to advertise to a man, especially blue collar. Find models that look like that description, or use makeup to approximate, and your ad response rate will probably increase (for the right product types).

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: ::yawns::

      All that work they put in to this research, for what?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        this research, for what?

        I can think of many, many real-world, game-changing, life-enhancing applications for it. We just need the raw collected data, possibly enhanced (heh) with more information about the actors and cross-referenced with the movies. It is hard (heh) bot doable, as long as the network admin gets out of our way.

        For starters, get all the data collected and create a firefox plug-in (heh) that scans the pirate bay and filters out all results with:

        * Oversized boob jobs with visible surgery scars.

        * Fading tramp stamps.

        * Scary and clearly unhygienic piercings.

        * Titles with words like "young" and "teenager" with performers that are clearly over 50.

        * Dialogue.

        Next: on to the Japanese Porn IMDB or whatever they have here and measure the pubes' average length. Add to the filter a rule about square inches coverage and maximum allowed length.

      2. Why Not?
        Boffin

        Re: ::yawns::

        Apart from the fact it is interesting, informative and it got the researcher noticed by a number of significant news outlets? Have a look at his other investigations they are well presented & researched.

        Why interesting:

        The age of starting a porn career negates the idea that Porn is exploiting misty eyed young pre teen girls.

        Longevity suggests that mainly the career is short reason unknown but it may be a way of paying tuition fees much like escort workers at UK universities. The fact it is so long (3 years ) suggests it might not be exploitation issue.

        Ethnic mix is very interesting as it suggests that no particular race is targeted to perform. I imagined the more exotic races would be targeted.

    4. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: ::yawns::

      "Wasting institution bandwidth is a firing offense."

      > 2013

      > Still thinks in terms of 1990s micropipes.

      Get on my Porn Delivery Level.

      1. jake Silver badge

        @DAM 08:24 (was: Re: ::yawns::)

        64K GIFs or JPGs in the late 1980s sucked up the same bandwidth ratio that HDTV does today. If you don't understand the concept ... well, you don't understand the concept.

        But please, enjoy your porn. I have no issues with that, wanker.

        1. stanimir

          JPEG -- Re: @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::)

          There was no jpeg in '80s. JPEG was firstly released in yearly 90s (namely '92).

          I still recall '93 when I saw the 1st jpegs on a 512KB video card that allowed 15bit color on VESA mode - stunning.

          1. jake Silver badge

            @stanimir (was: Re: JPEG -- @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::))

            Yes, stanimir, jpeg existed in the late 1980s. ISO TC 97 became ISO/IEC JTC1 in 1987. I was part of the working group.

            I am mildly amused at all the wankers that seem to be pro-porn, but don't like being called wankers. Methinks your inferiority complex is showing ... Either find a MOTAS, or admit to enjoying masturbation instead of socialization. It's not exactly rocket science.

            1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

              Re: @stanimir (was: JPEG -- @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::))

              Never believe a man saying he does not enjoy masturbation - you can be sure he is a liar.

              1. jake Silver badge

                @Vladimir (was: Re: @stanimir (was: JPEG -- @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::)))

                I never said I didn't enjoy it. What I clearly said was "Either find a MOTAS, or admit to enjoying masturbation instead of socialization."

                Note the "instead of". It's kind of important.

                1. AceRimmer
                  Devil

                  Re: @Vladimir (was: @stanimir (was: JPEG -- @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::)))

                  It is possible to enjoy masturbation AND socialising, just not at the same time

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: @stanimir (was: JPEG -- @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::))

              I have two girlfriends, and I still like to masturbate on evenings neither of them is around. And I'm in my late 40s. I think you lack DRIVE....

    5. Helena Handcart
      Mushroom

      Re: ::yawns::

      Hold on. You say that wasting an institution's bandwidth is a firing offence, well that's as maybe but what has that got to do with the article? Do you think the researcher used university bandwidth without permission?

      Also, you think that no one is interested in the physical details of people they fantasize about? Try telling that to the foot fetishists, BBW lovers, artificial/natural/big/small breast afficionados, the researchers and funders of this study, or indeed yours truly. Smutty jokes aside, this is quite reasonable research into what people (or at least Americans) find sexually attractive especially as a fantasy. It would be fascinating to see what differences there are between grumble-flick girls and "real world" girls that people find attractive, or to see how tastes change over time vs fashions, or across cultures.

      And seriously, who calls themselves a dude? (With the exception of The Dude of course).

    6. tath

      Re: ::yawns::

      "As a dude who has been in charge of finding workplace (and .edu) bandwidth wasters"

      Oooh, literally a traffic warden, your job sounds amazing.

      1. lglethal Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: ::yawns::

        Does posting (repeatedly) on el reg about how wasting company bandiwdth is a firing offense count as wasting company bandwidth?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: ::yawns::

          He'll need to find a job to get fired

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: ::yawns::

          Repeated posts = repeated down votes

    7. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Re: ::yawns::

      Where I live, we get HUUUUUGGEEEE double or tripple decker, multi trailer trucks of pigs, sailing past on their mission of volunteering to become fillings for bacon sammiches.

      And as a sort of former purveyor of porn.....

      Well I think the hundreds of truckloads of pigs bear a striking resemblance to hundreds of web pages of naked women.

      Professional porn... "OH no - fuck what else is on?"

      Amateur sites of people posting their own pics and vids.......

      This is like spending years flicking through decades of used car adds in the classified adds sections of old news papers, trying to do statistics by year and model and parts for sale, in different shires and counties...

      I like women, I like sex and I like really good relationships - but porn...

      It is just such tedious bullshit.....

      10 million and one of them stuffing dildos in every orifice - well so fucking what?

      It's like 10,000 reruns of Gilligans Island....

      But a woman with a personality, brain, good manners, and can hold great conversations AND she all of her clothes on!!!!!!

      Whoaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I'll take the door on the left ..

        @oh4FS - you need to be a tad more specific. As it stands, your selection would return both Nigella Lawson and Hillary Clinton.

      2. Alister Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: ::yawns::

        Oh4FS wrote:

        10 million and one of them stuffing dildos in every orifice ...It's like 10,000 reruns of Gilligans Island....

        I must have missed that episode...

    8. pewpie
      Alert

      Re: ::yawns::

      mmhm..

      nazis like beer too now?

      ...aaaAnyway - it can't be an accurate ideal - it hasn't got a spliff dispenser in the top of it's head, nor vileda supermops mounted on it's back.

    9. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

      Re: ::yawns::

      "From my perspective, as long as there's explicit sex involving at least one warm body, nobody seems to care about the physical details of the "actor(s)""

      Your lack of taste is disturbing...

    10. kirovs

      Re: ::yawns::

      I am seriously surprised to see this post downvoted so much. Oh, wait, this is UK site.... (wank, wank).

      Please, start downvoting now while not loosing focus of your primary, one hand browsing experience.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: ::yawns::

        @kirovs. I'm a yank, not a limey. I didn't diss @jake for finding the article (and by inference, porn) boring, I dissed him for being a serious tool and for the irony of complaining about waste of bandwidth while doing precisely that.

  2. Gabor Laszlo

    Now all he needs to do is apply the same analysis to the 'plots' of those movies, to produce the perfectly average porn flick. Oh wait...

    1. Ole Juul

      the perfectly average

      One has to wonder about the applicability of averages to all things. If half the people like black, and the other half like white, does that mean that everyone likes grey? Since both milkshakes and hamburgers are very popular, I suppose a ground beef shake would be twice as popular. Sometimes it's the non-average that makes the treat. In fact, average isn't very sexy.

      1. Neil 8

        Re: the perfectly average

        I was going to post much the same thing. There are almost no fields in which you'd take a set of 'unusually gifted' people and proclaim that their average would be 'better' than any of the individuals.

        You might argue that you average out the flaws, but you can't do that without averaging out the, err, peaks.

      2. pixl97

        Re: the perfectly average

        You do realize when you mix white and black people together, you don't get grey people. As much as the women tan around here it would seem that closer to a light brown is pretty popular.

        Anyway, if the porn sites are giving me accurate statistics, all the black men are having sex with white women that have a very large derriere.

      3. SoaG

        Re: the perfectly average

        Tell me more about this ground beef shake of which you speak and where I might purchase one. Or are you just floating ideas for next week's episode of Epic Meal Time?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Average - Oh no........

      I would absolutely HATE to have to work in the censors office... sure some "porn" (question mark?) is just fucking bullshit.

      But so is almost all of it......

      But I am fine with naked people doing funny things......

      This is one of my favourite video clips of all time...

      Julie Strain doing her naked joke of the week.....

      http://shooshtime.com/videos/naked-joke-rodeo-style_4985/

    3. ShadowedOne
      Joke

      Just a guess but I would say that the average plot is likely to be 'boy meats girl'.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Yes very good, but what would her porn name be?

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      Go

      Higgs Bosona!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Higgs Bosona!

        The Large Hardon Collider rears it's, err... ugly head again.

  4. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Boffin

    Bit surprised on the bra size.

    I'd expected a C or D for starters.

    Obviously there is a follow on project for male porn stars as well.

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Bit surprised on the bra size.

      It's based on the mean and while there are all shapes and sizes out there, there's a reason why the result is close to the mean for young American women. Interestingly, it's probably closer to the norm than a similar comparison of fashion models. What does that tell us? Men who watch porn are less likely to be surprised by the real bodies of women if they ever meet them but girls reading Vogue are doomed to eternal disappointment?

      Anyway, who ever really bothers to look at the faces? And where's the bukake icon?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Bit surprised on the bra size.

        @charlie clark - there isn't a special bukkake icon, just spray all the existing icons all over the place.

  5. TeeCee Gold badge
    Happy

    "...men get a third of the pay women get for the same films."

    I remember seeing an interview with a porn director in which he was asked what the key requirements were for porn actresses and actors. After a long session discussing the various attributes required of women, he was asked what was required of a man:

    "They have to be really fucking stupid.".

    "Oh? Why is that?".

    "Because any man capable of thinking about it can't get it up when surrounded by cameramen, lighting technicians, sound engineers and so on and with somebody telling them what to do.".

    1. GrantB
      Thumb Up

      Re: "...men get a third of the pay women get for the same films."

      Er, I think there is at least one more big requirement from the men rather than just being stupid.

      1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: "...men get a third of the pay women get for the same films."

        @GrantB, not really. They kept pumped full of Viagra so they can keep the wood. Of course, there is also the compulsory insurance against the gush (NSFW).

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: "...men get a third of the pay women get for the same films."

          "kept pumped full of Viagra" - porn flicks predate Viagra by some decades. In fact, same as with any other technology, if it can be used for sexual gratification, it is, as soon as possible.

    2. Velv Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: "...men get a third of the pay women get for the same films."

      And yet strangely this glass ceiling never gets trotted out in the pay equality arguments from Womens Lib.

      I wonder why...

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Title is

    slightly misleading, the research doesn't show the 'perfect' porn star merely the mean average. This is the middle of the bell curve and defining anything as subjective as sexual attraction with the term 'perfect' is disingenuous at best.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Title is

      And isn't this an average of American pornstars? There must be more months work in the offing analysing the averages of the industry in Europe and Asia.

  7. Robin
    Happy

    Would.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Also, wood.

  8. Carpetsmoker
    FAIL

    This makes no sense

    This makes no sense.

    It assumes there is some `average' and `perfect' solution. There isn't. Different people like different things, average them out and you usually end up with something mediocre...

    1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: This makes no sense

      Amusingly, I find the "average" image more attractive than almost all of the images that went into it.

      Perhaps all the makeup and cosmetic surgery cancelled out?

      1. Shades

        Re: This makes no sense

        I was pretty much thinking the same thing myself. For me however the combination of Sunny Leone and Tori Black is absolutely perfect.

        Incidentally, I'm disappointed at El Reg missing the opportunity to include some sort of "click to enlarge" caption with the image! :D

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: This makes no sense

      Of course it makes no sense. Like much of the "science" which is reported these days, it is actually nothing to do with what it pretends to be about. It isn't about porn or attractiveness, its an undergrad maths (stats) project.

      I seem to think that someone did the same thing around 20 years ago. The conclusion then was that people find "averaged" (and symmetrical) faces more attractive than unique faces and the more faces which were added to the mix, the more votes they got for attractiveness.

  9. Ralph B
    Paris Hilton

    Nikki Lee?

    Not Nikka Less?

  10. Crisp Silver badge

    No Stoya in that mix up?

    They missed a trick there.

    1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: No Stoya in that mix up?

      The trick they missed was saving all the trouble and just picking her.

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: No Stoya in that mix up?

        Great idea, mylord!

  11. h3

    So surely all these people going on about equal pay should take the fact that men earn only 1/3. (If there was a job where women were paid only 1/3 of what men were the Daily Mail etc etc would have a field day.)

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Quite right

    IMO dark hair is far hotter. And this average pornstar is very attractive.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So, there was a similar project not so long ago...

    http://www.lovelyish.com/733599569/this-is-the-most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world/

    The results were quite similar. I think what it mostly shows is the current 'ideal face' from the point of view of predominantly white, male, US commercial interests... a cultural strange attractor, I guess.

  14. yoinkster
    Trollface

    "men get a third of the pay women get"

    WHAT!!! HOW DARE THEY!!! MEN, WE MUST MARCH!!! EQUALITY FOR ALL, EQUAL PAY FOR ALL. PORN IS TOO FULL OF WOMEN AND WE DEMAND A 50/50 QUOTA GUARANTEED BY SOME POORLY WRITTEN NEW LAW (let's stick in something about extra time off for men to recover too while we're are making demands). IT'S OUR HUMAN RIGHT!!! THIS ILLEGAL IMBALANCE HAS GONE ON FOR TOO LONG!!!!111ONEONE

    1. I think so I am?
      Holmes

      Never!

      Getting payed to fuck lots of women tends to be a massive motivator for most men.

      1. ShadowedOne
        Stop

        Re: Never!

        Getting paid (not payed) to fuck lots of women while surrounded by cameras and various technicians, being told what to do, and having to do multiple takes of the various scenes, I don't really see much in the way of the so-called motivation in that.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No Rachel

    I'll take four from the top and one from the bottom please Rachel.

    best post anon - looking for a job :-)

  16. Arachnoid
    Trollface

    Average mean....................does that infer they took the faties and drawfs into account in the calculations?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      > drawf

      Betty Rubble?

  17. mark 63 Silver badge

    so we just look at his results and then we've seen all porn films?

    what a spoiler

  18. Magnus_Pym

    Hold on a minute

    Some women in the porn industry their breasts enlarged, some massively so. No women in the porn industry their breasts reduced. IRL both are carried out mostly within realistic parameters. How can the average pornstar not have larger breasts than the average non-pornstar?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hold on a minute

      Isn't it something like 50% of the population that are morbidly obese? That would go some way to explaining it surely?

    2. Shades

      Re: Hold on a minute

      "No women in the porn industry their breasts reduced"

      Wrong. Lynsey Dawn McKenzie has.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    stupid research

    Suggesting that an average of the top women porn stars is better than all of them seems a slightly flawed premise.

    It's like saying if you mix the nation's 10 most popular foods together, the result will be better than any of them.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Maybe not so Re: stupid research

      You'd be forgiven for thinking so, but oddly it turns out that in the case of faces in particular, "average" (or at least, close to it) really is what is the most broadly attractive.

      When you think about it, the same is true of at least some other physical attributes: for example, women generally prefer men who are taller than themselves, but not excessively tall, so the "most desirable" height is probably pretty close to the average height. And if you think about it genetically, when you have a characteristic such as height or facial appearance that (a) is affected by a large number of genes and (b) that influences chances of reproduction, it's actually not surprising that you end up with a mean that is in some sense the most attractive and a population distributed around that mean.

  20. Havin_it
    Boffin

    "...dedicated six months of his life..."

    <grabs calculator>

    $time_spent_watching_porn_per_day * ($current_age - $age_of_sexual_awakening) * 365.25

    ...

    Amateur.

    1. Shades
      Thumb Up

      Re: "...dedicated six months of his life..."

      This.

      1. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Windows

    Body art.

    You mean "slag tag"....

    Or "Tramp stamp".

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Body art.

      Arse antlers ..

  22. bearded bear can
    Paris Hilton

    Stop wanking

    and start coding

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I knew it...

    It seems like nobody likes porn. I knew it was on my shoulders alone to keep crucial parts of the economy afloat, but I was pretty confident I had some help with the porn industry. Sadly I was mistaken.

    Just one more burden I guess.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Where is Carmen Sandiego???

    errr, Jenna Jameson I mean? Or am I showing my ago now?

  25. Local G
    FAIL

    If you lay down with porn stars

    you get up with crabs.

    I prefer a fat, juicy Trollope when I slip into bed.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  26. Sputnik

    They all get banged

    By the man of men, Ron Jeremy.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: They all get banged

      Ron Jeremy.

      Is it "if a not-so-handsome man* as him can have sex with beautiful filthy women, then so can I (in my dreams)"

      or

      "How does a not-so-handsome-man as him have so much sex with beautiful filthy women? "

      He's no Adonis, let's be honest, he looks like an average of guys down the bookies

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What?!?!?!

    The men get PAID?!?!?!?!?

  28. cortland
    Paris Hilton

    In the dark all cats look the same

    Apologies to Dumas.

    Paris because.

  29. Local G
    Unhappy

    Who remembers the classic English anti-casual sex, porn flick...

    about the Welsh porn star who almost dies from a STD?

    "How Green Was My Willy"

    What a tear jerker that was..

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wankistan

    A refuge for middle aged wankers who enjoy spilling their beans for the edification of the like minded.

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