back to article Illicit phone rings in Sri Lankan inmate's back crack

A Sri Lankan lag at Colombo's Welikada jail was relieved of his illicit mobe after it inconveniently rang during a cell search, alerting officers that he'd concealed it where the sun don't shine. Artist's impression of Nokia 8850 stuck up Taiwanese woman's back passage An official at the Colombo hospital where the phone was …

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  1. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. amanfromearth

      Re: Give us the hole story!

      He was doing a little web browsing with it, and got to the part where he need to enter colon in the URL...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Give us the hole story!

        "[...]he need to enter colon in the URL..."

        There's your problem - colon in the URL, not URL in the colon!

  2. Suricou Raven

    Bit dim.

    Did he forget to turn it off first?

    I'm surprised it could get signal. Watery flesh usually blocks those wavelengths fairly well.

    1. LarsG

      I suppose

      Leaving it on vibrate would have been uncomfortable?

      1. Pooka
        Coat

        Re: I suppose

        Or more.... entertaining.... if he was into that sort of thing...

        (On my way already!)

    2. Andrew Moore Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Bit dim.

      "I'm surprised it could get signal. Watery flesh usually blocks those wavelengths fairly well."

      Well, that rules out an iPhone then...

      You're concealing it wrong...

    3. BigG

      Re: Bit dim.

      Well obviously it was an SMS.

      1. Turtle

        Nope...

        It was the call of nature.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Facepalm

      Re: Bit dim.

      The prisoner was heard to say "Sri Lankan prison? What the hell? I told Apple Maps to bring me to a Starbucks in London!"

    5. Roby

      Re: Bit dim.

      It must have turned on inside him. I can't believe anyone could be so stupid to leave a phone on when you put it up your bum.

      Also I wonder if he had the charger up there. On the X-ray it looks like just the phone and some headphones, so surely you'd conserve the power while smuggling it in.

      1. Esskay
        Joke

        "I can't believe anyone could be so stupid to leave a phone on when you put it up your bum."

        Whereas turning a phone *off* before sticking it up your bum would be an eminently intelligent thing to do?!

  3. Andy Roid McUser
    Facepalm

    charging

    two questions.

    1. do they also have to 'pack' a charger ?

    2. assumption. no sockets in rooms. so how do they charge it once inside the prison

    1. VaalDonkie

      Re: charging

      I would assume it's a long-life phone like a Nokia 2100. I would also assume the guy only switches it on when he wants to make a call. It could easily last for a week or two like this, by which time a buddy could smuggle in another one.

      Or, if you're in a South African prison, the cost of charging a phone is one pack of cigarettes to your favourite guard.

      1. frank ly Silver badge

        Re: charging

        I've been thinking about four or five galvanised steel buckets, filled with urine, with copper foil suspended in them, connected in series as a battery. Would this work? Have I thought of the correct materials?

        Note: This is a serious engineering problem, so no sniggering and no off-colour jokes please.

    2. Tom 7 Silver badge

      Re: charging

      IIRC the correct term for something inserted there for safekeeping is actually known as a charger.

      Or was in Papillon ... a long time ago.

  4. Steven Raith
    Unhappy

    Hope it wasn't....

    A Nexus 4. I have one, and it has...girth.

    Or worse, a Galaxy Note II.

    *goes off to break out the mind bleach and cerebral scrubbers*

    Steven "I made myself feel ill" Raith.

    1. Silverburn
      Headmaster

      Re: Hope it wasn't....

      Pedant alert: The orginal galaxy note would have been more impressive, as it is wider than the Note II. And I imagine width would be the limiting factor here.

      I'll have the mind bleach when you're finished with it, please.

    2. danielbUK
      Windows

      Re: Hope it wasn't....

      This is old news they used to do this with Anal ogue handsets!!!! There is also the old ForeSIM trick as well.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Eww!

    One would expect hiding a phone to be relatively painless after a few years behind bars, thanks to the um, "problems" ..

    As any really devious prisoner knows, the best way to "hide" a mobile is to use one of those prepaid 3G sticks and power it and the uC Morse code based SMS TX and RX using a battery made from citrus, used tea bags, etc and metal foil sheets "liberated" from the rubbish bin.

    Failing that, an even simpler method pioneered by a certain guy in the UK is to make a "lemon" optical transmitter that sends flashes of (presumably infrared) light Morse to a remote receiver.

    Source:- The Anarchist Cookbook, 2009 :-)

  6. Stuart Elliott
    Joke

    In BootNotes

    So would that make it a Booty Call ?

    1. kain preacher Silver badge

      Re: In BootNotes

      Not sure ,butt I bet he had shhittty reception.

  7. Winkypop Silver badge
    Stop

    No

    I said never call me here!

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: No

      He'd barred his cell mate anyway.

    2. Winkypop Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: No

      or maybe even:

      I told you, never call me at the orifice!

  8. Longrod_von_Hugendong
    Angel

    I hope he has...

    a bluetooth headset, i for one would not want it near my ear or mouth.... :D

  9. FanMan
    Thumb Up

    The make and model of phone in the Sri Lankan rectomobe case is unknown

    It's clearly a Nokia 6310i. Good call!

    1. JetSetJim Silver badge

      Re: The make and model of phone in the Sri Lankan rectomobe case is unknown

      Daily Mail has a copy of the X-ray:

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2276008/Thats-bum-timing-Sri-Lankan-inmate-caught-hiding-phone-rectum-guards-hear-ringing-searching-cell.html

      Rather strangely, it looks like there's a pair of earphones in there too (perhaps he wanders around "hands-free" with that stored in its little pocket...)

    2. Rob
      Coat

      Re: The make and model of phone in the Sri Lankan rectomobe case is unknown

      Hardly, the phone is up his rectum, the call quality will be anything but good.

      ;-)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The make and model of phone in the Sri Lankan rectomobe case is unknown

        Evidently, it will be sh*t..

    3. Anomalous Cowturd
      Stop

      @FanMan

      Most definitely not a 6310i.

      The original article mentions an 8850.

      Looks a bit pointy edged to me. Ouch!

  10. Thomas 4
    IT Angle

    Thought exercise for the day

    Well, if one was going to go into prison and needed to conceal a mobile phone, which would be best suited to the task? Things to consider:

    * Size

    * Battery life

    * Rounded corners

    * Ease of cleaning

    I'd probably go with either one of the early Series 60 Nokias. Other strong candidates for rectal phonage include the Sony Ericsson T68i (just make sure the camera and MP3 accesories aren't attached!) or possibly the Sendo X.

    1. Esskay
      Boffin

      Re: Thought exercise for the day

      Wasn't there a Nokia "lipstick phone" from about 10 years ago? smallest one I can think of...

  11. jubtastic1
    Trollface

    Family heirloom

    Five long years he wore this phone up his ass. Then, he died of dysentery. He give me the phone. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of plastic up my ass two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. Now, little man, I give the phone to you.

  12. Dr_N Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Sim Valley...

    ...RX-80 Pico phone.

    That'd probably fit, at a push.

  13. Flakey

    Any Clues

    as to the ringtone? I would hazzard a guess that it wasnt "Please Release Me" or "Hey fatty bum bum"...ok Im going.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Any Clues

      "Ring of fire"

      "Knockin' at your back door"

      Beethoven's 5th movement

    2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Re: Any Clues

      "Down under"?

      "Don't push it, don't force it"?

    3. Jim Carter
      Trollface

      Re: Any Clues

      "I like big butts and I cannot lie"

    4. Scorchio!!
      Thumb Up

      Re: Any Clues

      Excellent reggae tune there... ...perhaps "Wet dream" by Max Romeo ("lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, push it up, lie down..). He might attract a lot of business that way.

      OTOH, maybe "La Cucaracha".

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Joke

        Re: Any Clues

        Search for the (HTC) Hero inside yourself

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Colombo Hospital ??

    Surely it was the Cobumbo Hospital?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Let me guess...

    .. it was a RIM.

  16. Elmer Phud Silver badge

    Handsfree

    His mates always said he talked out of his arse (ass for our foreign readers).

    I was trying to think of ways to charge it - then the rapidly moving a coil of wire back and forth sprang to mind.

    Or is that how to produce a salty electrolyte?

    Is this in anyway linked to Capn' Cyborg?

  17. NightFox

    Going for a Richard III

    So that scar they identified on Richard III's pelvic bone.... dagger or Motorola DynaTAC? - where safer to keep it on the battlefield?

  18. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    I find it difficult to believe....

    ....that you managed to write that without once suggesting that the ringtone sounded a bum note.

  19. Mephistro Silver badge
    Happy

    I found this...

    ... and found it relevant to the discussion. :-)

    On a side note: I'm amazed nobody in this thread has asked yet about the IT angle. Are killjoys on strike or something?

    1. Oninoshiko
      IT Angle

      Re: I found this...

      Well the angle of the IT is going to be rather vertical. As to the IT's orientation, I'm not sure.

  20. Zot
    Coat

    "You're holding it wrong"

    Oh come on, someone had to quote Antennagate somewhere.

  21. sabba
    Holmes

    I'm guessing he couldn't be arsed to turn it off!!

    <see title>

  22. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

    So clearly..

    .. that was a hands-free phone - on pay-as-you-gow ow ow..

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: So clearly..

      Or even pay-as-you come!

  23. TRT Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    I like the positioning of this story...

    right next to an item about Bring Your Own Device being a Pain In The Arse.

  24. Scott Pedigo
    Coat

    Ring me up, before I go go,

    I'm not planning on goin' so low

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    He should have used a different "ring tone" ...

    ... of a more flatulent nature.

    "What, that? Prison food'll do that to you, y'know...."

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Don't tell Hollywood!

    Given the number of horrible remakes of classics (and not-so-classics), DO NOT TELL HOLLYWOOD!

    "Hello Chief? It's Maxwell Smart. About this replacement for my shoe phone...."

  27. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Coat

    The prisoner had recently complained to the prison doctor about a ringing in his ears....

    That's one hell of a solution to the problem!!

  28. Mike Moyle Silver badge
    Coat

    "I can hear you fine...

    "...How's it coming through at YOUR end?"

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Gives a whole new meaning to

    Gives a whole new meaning to "butt dialed".

    Or perhaps he used to be a telephone linesman and confused his mobile for his butt (a telephone linesman's service handset is called a buttinski or butt for short).

  30. David 45

    Cheeky chappy

    Rectum?

    Damn nigh killed 'em!

    That was the punch line of a very old joke. Just thought you'd like to know.

  31. This post has been deleted by its author

  32. Slabfondler
    Megaphone

    Whole new meaning...

    to the term "talking out your ass".

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    On a More Serious Note

    Should have used an i-Phone with the fart app ringtones

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