back to article Prisoner found with phone + charger in anal cavity

A Scottish man has been given an extra stretch inside after prison officials found him trying to smuggle both a mobile phone and its charger into prison up his bottom. Christopher Hughes was facing a nine-year sojourn in the Big House for stabbing four people outside a Motherwell nightclub with a pair of scissors. He pleaded …

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  1. LarsG
    Meh

    Hope it wasn't the Nokia Lumina 920,

    Must have discovered it when they saw he was walking funny!

    Imagine the search........ FORCEPS.....

    1. Bob Vistakin
      IT Angle

      Actually it was, and I'm puzzled as to why one rolling off the production line in the usual manner merits a story.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Och Eye the Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

    1. Bob Vistakin
      Unhappy

      A photo has emerged of what it did to the body of a well-known practitioner of this, and it's not a pretty sight:

      http://goo.gl/PLI10

  3. Zaphod.Beeblebrox
    Thumb Up

    "A Scottish man has been given an extra stretch inside"

    I see what you did there...

    1. Monkey Bob
      Facepalm

      Re: "A Scottish man has been given an extra stretch inside"

      I didn't, until you pointed it out, for which I thank you.

    2. Piro

      Re: "A Scottish man has been given an extra stretch inside"

      I hope I don't have to see what HE did there.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: "A Scottish man has been given an extra stretch inside"

        Let's just hope it properly licensed rounded corners!

  4. ItsNotMe
    WTF?

    And no Mr. Hughes...

    ... I do not want to borrow your phone. Thank you anyway.

  5. fearnothing
    Unhappy

    As a mobile phone forensic analyst [pun coincidental, I promise!] I have had to examine more than one 'bumphone' as they are known in the biz. Latex gloves are a godsend in my job.

    It's a particular thing with drug dealers, I've found. Other forms of crime, not so much.

    1. InsaneGeek

      Your name goes well with your job

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bet it was an android as they are s*** - small - no too many letters ho ho ho.

    1. Thorne

      "Bet it was an android as they are s*** - small - no too many letters ho ho ho."

      Well you can take your iPhone and shove it up your.....

  7. Anonymous John

    I hope it had rounded corners.

    1. jacobbe
      Facepalm

      gritted teeth...... And the charger! you definitely need the charger.

      1. Sooty

        Was it a usb charger, or the full UK 3 pin jobbie... teary eyed people would like to know

    2. hplasm Silver badge
      Happy

      Was it star shaped?

      Or Chocolate starfish shaped...

  8. dssf
    Joke

    mini maxi

    Endubitably, in his arss, the mini pad would be a maxi, more than an app pole in his eye, in his hind site and hind sight. But, the prison staff will keep his hind in sight as hind insight. He might need or have a kneed for an ennd tear rear de-core rater to fix him up for bigger and bedder thing...

    Even if he got to make those phone call, they would be more expensive than sh*t. Gives a hole new mean ning to dirty talk....

  9. andreas koch
    Meh

    He didn't want to smuggle,

    he only heard what happens in jail if you bend over and thought to block that route.

    As Mr. J. Rotten so poetically put: The cabin boy was Flipper, he was a naughty nipper . . .

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: He didn't want to smuggle,

      Ahoy me hearties.....

      after three, lets all sing along !!...

      It was on the good ship Venus, by Christ you should have seen us, the figurehead was a .............

    2. joeW

      Re: He didn't want to smuggle,

      Steve Jones actually - Johnny had as good as quit by the time they recorded that song.

  10. Don Jefe
    Meh

    Call Prices

    Not only are phone calls to the outside insanely expensive, they are collect only unless someone loves you enough to buy a prepaid card (right there in the jail from a little ATM style kiosk) and give it to you for use on your "phone days".

    There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail. It just makes certain companies a lot of money and gives high-school drop outs a job being dicks to prisoners.

    Ladies, if you're actually online, just have sex with the nerds in high-school. It'll make them not grow up to be the asshats that will eventually arrest and harass your future husband.

    1. JDX Gold badge

      There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail

      Too right. Give them the vote, PS3, iPads, Sky and why not beer on Fridays too.

      1. Bob Vistakin
        Facepalm

        Re: There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail

        But not MP's natch. They are our betters and its right and proper they serve a tenth of the sentence a pleb would have got for stealing a tenth the amount they did.

      2. James Micallef Silver badge
        Thumb Down

        Re: There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail

        "Too right. Give them the vote, PS3, iPads, Sky and why not beer on Fridays too."

        No need to be sarcastic about it. It doesn't cost phone companies anything extra to set up a phone in a prison (presumably the prison administrative offices have phones), so calls made my inmates should be made at the same rates as calls made by guards / prison admin. Of course within the limits of allowed phone privileges.

      3. Bob Vistakin
        Pint

        Re: There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail

        Ahh the psychological method - bountiful pleasures issued at the same time as the unimaginable torture of being forced to watch Sky 24 hours a day - I like your style.

        1. Thorne

          Re: There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail

          "Ahh the psychological method - bountiful pleasures issued at the same time as the unimaginable torture of being forced to watch Sky 24 hours a day - I like your style."

          Look at Sherrif Joe

          He took away their pay TV until some lawyers explain that it's prisioner's human rights to have pay TV so he gave it back with just the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel.

          When asked about the Weather Channel he said "So they'll know how hot it will be working on my chain gangs"

    2. Matthew Anderson

      Re: Call Prices

      @Not only are phone calls to the outside insanely expensive, they are collect only unless someone loves you enough to buy a prepaid card

      Not true, you are given a passcode when you first enter prison(UK) and can place money on that each week from your spends. Past experience recently on this!

      As for the bum smuggling, it is rife in open prison where you can have home leave/outside work etc so a higher proportion of inmates coming in and out.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Call Prices

      "It'll make them not grow up to be the asshats that will eventually arrest and harass your future husband."

      Yes, lets ignore crimes and not send people to prison. F*ckwit.

    4. Rampant Spaniel

      Re: Call Prices

      Prison is intended to be a deterrant, a punishment and rehabilitation. If it were a nice place to be it would not be any good at the first two roles. There are laws against cruel and inhumane punishment (although I honestly think for more than 3 offenses, prison isn't woring, maybe we try something more unorthodox) but for prison to work we should not be making it a giant mancave with curry nights. It does a disservice to the victims of crime and to the prisoners. They should fear prison, prison should be a place people do not want to go to or back to. To help prisoners, prison needs to be a shock to them, which should encourage them to reform. I support helping them reform and gain skills, I don't support making their lives cushy.

      1. James Micallef Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: Call Prices

        "Prison is intended to be a deterrant, a punishment and rehabilitation"

        Agreed, which is why prisoners are not allowed mobile phones, and why their access to payphones is limited and time-controlled. That doesn't mean it's OK to gouge them or their families.

        1. Rampant Spaniel

          Re: Call Prices

          True, but isn't it done by competitive tender? The additional money will be going somewhere, perhaps to cover the cost of monitoring (which seems fair), or in kickbacks to the gov't. (not exactly fair) or in excessive profit (unlikely if it's a tender process). Perhaps the 'back end' (sorry no pun intended) system used to manage credit probably costs some extra amount, but they are probably very well used which should make them more financially viable then the telephone box on the vilage green which should go some way to counteract the bespoke billing system.

          Without having seen the contracts and tender its tough to say exactly why charges are so high. Hospitals aren't much better but they vary massively between normal call price levels and insert kidney now levels.

          I wouldn't object any to the govt looking into pricing levels but the public purse shouldn't be subsidising it to any degree, if it turned out that it costs that much to run and monitor the so be it. Theres probably some degree of fat in the system but not too much as quite a few companies could bid on it.

          1. Rampant Spaniel

            Re: Call Prices

            Just checked, it would seem the number of phones and limited access to them is a bigger issue than cost (although prices aren't cheap, BT did cut them). BT stated that the increased cost vs a payphone was primarily due to the security (the GOTU system and the payment system) and monitoring.

            BT deserve a profit but it shouldn't be insane. I agree that having contact with family helps with rehabilitation, but I think its fair for the prisoner to shoulder a realistic cost. The numbers I saw weren't crazy, they weren't cheap but I've paid more on a cell phone in the past.

      2. Elmer Phud
        Meh

        Re: Call Prices

        "To help prisoners, prison needs to be a shock to them, which should encourage them to reform."

        Nice try but it doesn't work.

        Execution, flogging and birching never stopped the flow of criminals in to pokey.

        Execution never stopped killers and flogging and birching was seen as a badge of honour.

        The Victorians thought that mindless activities would be an 'encouragement' but it didn't work.

        And as for the magic number'3' . . .

        Definately 'meh'

        1. Rampant Spaniel

          Re: Call Prices

          It doesn't work for everyone. It does work for some. The biggest issue with prison is it's a one size fits all approach and that doesn't work.

          You and I are different, we are motivated by different things, we probably fear different things. Prison should not be a nice place. The idea that simply depriving people of their liberty is some horrendous punishment is erroneous. For you and I perhaps that would be sufficent, for others obviously it is not as they repeatedly reoffend. I don't see the issue with ensuring that prison is not a pleasant place and if somebody reoffends a few times considering that we need to take a different route for that person. That might be greater assistance with reintegrating into society, more help with issues such as drug abuse, or it might be making their stay in prison less 'nice'. One size fits all doesn't work. I'm not advocating execution but we need to consider a wider variety of techniques (both in assistance \ rehab and in punishment) where it is clear the current system isn't working.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Call Prices

            The "punishment" aspect doesn't count for much for the serial offenders, and as such prison is neither rehabilitation, punishment or deterrent. And in that case we should recognise that it is simply a sin bin, and put people on (say) their third stretch into a special place run purely at the lowest cost possible (and make them serve the full sentence plus 100%).

            If that sin bin involves creature comforts, so be it, if it is simply Dartmoor with no central heating (which seems more likely), then that too is fine with me. The only purpose being served is to keep serial offenders off the streets for as long as possible, before they are released, can offend again, and go back to the sin bin.

        2. James 100

          Re: Call Prices

          "Execution never stopped killers"

          It's actually very effective at that: very few killers commit further murders after being executed... I take it you mean the threat of execution doesn't prevent killers from committing the crime in the first place? Statistical studies of the last decade tend to conclude exactly the opposite, that there is indeed a noticeable deterrent effect. It fits with common sense as well - surely the more severe the punishment, the more likely people are to balk at risking it?

          (In fact, a distant relative of mine, John 'Babbacombe' Lee, was hanged - unsuccessfully, of course - no less than three times, back in the 19th century; after the third attempt failed, it was commuted to life imprisonment, so he eventually he emigrated to the US and died there in 1945 - without being convicted of any further murders, either, so executing him clearly taught him a lesson too!)

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "access to [...] fixed-line phone [...] strictly limited [...] highly expensive"

    Mobile phones are highly prized by prisoners, since access to the fixed-line phone services is strictly limited and highly expensive

    Also more likely to be recorded and monitored, which might be important to some prisoners who want to maintain contact with their "outside interests".

  12. Eddy Ito Silver badge
    Coat

    Clearly

    The poor chap got a phone with a bum wrap. So did he also lift the audio off a fart app for the ring tone or did he leave it on vibrate?

    What!? A body cavity search! Mind holding my coat?

    1. Doogie1
      Coat

      Re: Clearly

      I heard his ring tone was Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire

      1. Thorne

        Re: Clearly

        Puts a whole new spin to "Talking out your ass"

      2. LateNightLarry
        Pint

        Re: Clearly

        Ring of Fire... I had that as the ringtone for a former boss who was a pain in the @$$....

        He didn't get the joke... Maybe I should have had it sung in Farsi (he was Iranian)

        A beer glass will have to do since El Reg won't provide a glass of Merlot.

  13. Giles Jones Gold badge

    Pay as you go?

    The call of nature?

    1. Keep Refrigerated
      Joke

      There's a fart app for that!

      Sent from my iHole.

    2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge
      Coffee/keyboard

      Pay as you go - quality..

  14. Richard 120

    ow

    The American guy didn't have a charger with a 3 pin plug...

    Makes me wince just thinking about it

    1. NomNomNom

      Re: ow

      wow imagine getting jailed abroad you would need to put an adapter up there too

  15. Jean Le PHARMACIEN

    "smoking the weed........really good s**t considering the trouble"

    Can I claim "I see what you did there..." number 2 ?

    Yes, the "number 2" qualifies as "I see what you did there..." number 3 before anyone else starts...

    1. 404 Silver badge
  16. Andy 115
    WTF?

    It does make me question...

    why is there even power-sockets in the "customer facing" facilities?

    1. Elmer Phud

      Re: It does make me question...

      Where do the cleaners plug stuff in?

      (no ,not his bum, it's full)

  17. Jellied Eel Silver badge
    Holmes

    Voided warranty?

    But I see a market for the sWaP Nova EC107. And maybe the C99 for hardcore felons.

  18. Fink-Nottle

    Inside job

    He probably had accomplices. Perhaps the notorious duo - Ben Doon and Phil Mcrackin?

  19. Mike Flex

    "In the US, for example, phone companies have a literally captive market and charges are among the highest in the world, with a 15 minute call costing as much as $17, according recent reports."

    I'm sure that's fascinating but as the prisoner in question has been, according to the linked article, sent to Castle Huntly prison near Dundee wouldn't it be more relevant to mention the call rates in Scottish prisons?

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Unhappy

      They probably can't be arsed to raise the FOI request to find out. Especially as it'll be rejected on grounds of "commercial confidentiality".

  20. NomNomNom

    his first mistake was to take the term cell phone literally

    his second second mistake was to tell the wardens "can't you see I am on the phone?" when they asked him to get out of the prison van.

    of course his worst mistake was to put a mobile phone in his bum

  21. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

    Surely that is taking ..

    .. the terms "hands free" just a little bit too far?

  22. Samuel Lord
    Stop

    In whose great arse was the prisoner found?

  23. LinkOfHyrule
    Gimp

    I think there is a market after all for vibrating 4G butt-plugs! I knew that idea had legs, well rectums at least!

    I think Samsung should make it and it should be called the "Samsung Butt-Bitch"

    1. Bob H
      Trollface

      Surely it should be a iButt because of the rounded bits?

  24. localzuk

    Ouch

    The phone, I can figure out, something slimline. But the charger?! Think about the pins man! Ouch!

    1. LinkOfHyrule

      Re: Ouch

      I remember reading, probably on this site actually in another story about phones in the nick, that they often use USB chargers connected to the USB sockets on PS3s or something - then again it might have been a misguided visit to the Daily Mail website as it would probably be them going on about "Convicted Illegal Immigrant Criminals Playing Grand Theft Auto on Playstation at Taxpayers Expense - Is This A New Cure For Cancer?"

  25. Ross K
    Childcatcher

    Just Tell Me It Wasn't...

    ...a C99 Star Phone lodged in his chocolate starfish.

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2012/11/28/ten_weird_chinese_mobile_phones/page2.html

  26. toro_mierda
    WTF?

    Antenna Problems?

    Hey, has anyone seen my charging cable? I'll bet the antenna issue is far worse up there too. Guess he brought the charging cable cause he did not think battery life would last that long up there either.

  27. Drew 11
    FAIL

    Misleading headline alert

    'Twasn't a charger, it was a charger CABLE, which is not much different than passing a tapeworm, I imagine.

    If you're concealing a charger, best make it one with those prongs that fold up.

  28. CaptSmegHead
    Holmes

    Are there any electrical sockets or switches in the cell ?

    how do they actually plug the charger in

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Easy

      Uncle Fester is in the next cell.

  29. Winkypop Silver badge
    Devil

    Interesting advert placement with story

    Right next to this article was an advert that stated:

    "Do more with the next-generation servers from Dell"...

    The bottom boggles!

  30. Nigel Brown
    Joke

    Well that's runined the song "Plug in baby" by Muse............................................

  31. Craig 28

    I'm sure if they really cared that much they could install mobile phone jammers in the prison or something. I know it'd stop the staff and visitors from using them too but that's the price of security.

    Like others I'm wondering what he might have plugged the USB cable into. I'd have thought one of those solar keyring chargers would be more help, but then they'd struggle to give a smartphone much juice at all.

    Oh and the article forgot that the internet is also a way to access materials you probably can't access in a prison, namely pr0n.

    1. Rampant Spaniel

      They do care and have tried but it was a legal headf**k. There were issues with only jamming within the boundries of the prison (and not some poor sod walking past outside) and also with the legality of potentially blocking 999 calls from visitors / staff. Plus no doubt there was some human rights law infringement of some kind. The irony that prisons have legal issues with stopping criminals breaking prison rules...

      The world needs less lawyers.

  32. hi_robb
    Joke

    Hmm

    The all new Apple iThrone

    There's a Crap for that.

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I know that phones have moisture sensors in them, but they are supposed to turn red not brown.

  34. Maryland, USA
    Coat

    Job variety

    Well, that must have provided a pleasant diversion for the prison proctologist.

  35. Fred 4
    Trollface

    Upon opening the link to this story...

    the first article & picture in the (right) sidebar is the 'US Condom rules' article and the associated scrunched up face - which is perfectly fitting for THIS article :)

  36. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    I've come over all Dungeon Mastery....

    ....and started wondering what the encucumberence factor of a phone and charger is.

  37. Muffy

    Lucky he didn't bend over in the showers; he would have found himself mistaken for a branch of Dixons.

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Was it a RIM phone?

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is this what they mean when they...

    say: "You're talking dirty to me" ?

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