back to article Boffin claims Bigfoot DNA reveals BESTIAL BONKING

An American scientist is claiming DNA samples reportedly taken from Bigfoot show the beast is a product of mating between female humans and an undiscovered primate. Dr. Melba Ketchum has undergone a five-year examination of North American Sasquatch samples, and told The Register that she had discovered that the non-human …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    what happens in the pleistocene ..

    Damn, so that's what happened during that weekend I lost back in the day ..

  2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    female humans and an undiscovered primate

    The undiscovered primate being - a redneck in a bigfoot suit

    1. Thorne

      Re: female humans and an undiscovered primate

      It wasn't a suit, just poor personal grooming

    2. Euripides Pants Silver badge

      Re: female humans and an undiscovered primate

      Nah, 'twas Hairy Bob - the Star Trek nerd.

  3. s0beit
    Thumb Up

    sexy

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Gotta catch them all

    Fascinating work from Dr Ketchum, but her real test is going to be to catch them. Only then can she be the very best, like no one ever was. No doubt this will require her to travel across the land, searching far and wide. Hopefully this will enable her to understand the power that's inside.

    1. Luther Blissett

      Re: Gotta catch them all - her real test

      Her real test shirley is whether the result is errr reproducible.

  5. Gordo Rex
    Paris Hilton

    I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

    So, Sasquatch is a hybrid of a human and an unknown species (which species, although non-human, is close enough to being human to be able to breed with humans). Which raises the question, what is the unknown species, and where did it come from? And why are there no descendants of the purebred version? And how could it have bred with humans 15,000 years ago when the earth is only 6,000 years old?

    My head hurts.

    1. Thorne

      Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

      Unknown to scientists. Everybody else has seen/met a bogan and yes there are still examples of the pure bred bogan to be found

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @Gordo Rex

      "And how could it have bred with humans 15,000 years ago when the earth is only 6,000 years old?"

      Your point is what, exactly? That fundamentalist Christians would dismiss this story out of hand, but you are scientific enough to believe it? Evidently you haven't thought things through, because the implications of your "point" don't work out the way you think that they do.

      1. Elmer Phud

        Re: @Gordo Rex

        Easy one -- it's one of God's mysteries for us to ponder over - sorted!

        Anyway all Bigfoot will be toast in a few weeks time - as will be the rest of us - apparently.

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. Marshalltown
      Pint

      Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

      The actual press release indicates that both Neanderthal and Denisovans are ruled out. That still leaves "hobbits" - the little guys from Indonesia, who were around 15 kya, and potentially others as well. Of course, if you want to consider the universe only 6,000 years old, you also have to conclude that whoever did the work was not only a really able forger, but a practical joker, since Slartybartfast or whoever did it, built the universe to appear at least 14 billion years old, and included the duckbilled platypus.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

        Ah the platypus. So many features like so many other animals, yet not related to any of them.

        You'd think it would give paleo-biologists pause for thought.

        1. Muscleguy Silver badge
          Boffin

          Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

          "Ah the platypus. So many features like so many other animals, yet not related to any of them."

          Other than the other monotremes, both extant and extinct of course and that ALL life on earth can be demonstrated to have a single common ancestor, dubbed LUCA. That includes monotremes in general and platypus in particular.

    4. Psyx
      Facepalm

      Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

      More to the point:

      "The paper reviewing the samples is currently under peer review*, and the team hadn't intended to make the news public beforehand**, but Dr. Ketchum explained that one of the Russian team had let the news slip.*** "

      *Other people who know what they're talking about haven't had the chance to look at it and say "this is bollocks" yet.

      ** Honest guv.

      ***Because getting it out before peer review gets some media attention and nobody can say "this is bollocks" just yet.

      1. archaeo
        Holmes

        Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

        This is BOLLOCKS... :-)

  6. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

    Blue bollocks syndrome

    Have you considered how physically painful arrested chortling is?

  7. Dagg
    Devil

    Ligers and Tigions

    Well if Loins and Tigers can interbreed with each other and product fertile offspring and horses and donkeys can interbreed and product sterile offspring you never know what could happen between members of the great apes...

    1. Aaron Em

      "Loins and Tigers"

      Shouldn't like to give that one a try, mate! Getting banned from the zoo would be the best possible result, I think, though not the likeliest.

  8. This post has been deleted by its author

  9. James 47

    sean connery

    could be a descendant

  10. Law
    Stop

    One night stand from hell... Ouch

    You know the saying... Big feet.....

    1. Thomas 4
      Boffin

      Re: One night stand from hell... Ouch

      So what you're saying is that making the beast with two backs makes a beast with one back?

    2. James Micallef Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: One night stand from hell... Ouch

      Big feet = ......

      big shoes?

  11. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
    Holmes

    Interspecies sterility

    Interspecies hybrids are generally sterile (that's pretty much the definition of a species), so either the hybrids are incredibly long-lived, or hybridisation events are continuing (to put it politely)!

    1. Psyx
      Holmes

      Re: Interspecies sterility

      "Interspecies hybrids are generally sterile (that's pretty much the definition of a species), so either the hybrids are incredibly long-lived, or hybridisation events are continuing (to put it politely)!"

      ...Or the paper is bullsh1t...

    2. Thorne
      Pint

      Re: Interspecies sterility

      "or hybridisation events are continuing"

      It's called "Happy Hour"

  12. Qu Dawei

    Unknown species to science: Homo Teapartyensis

  13. jake Silver badge

    So, basically, reading between the lines ...

    ... the group analyzed DNA from an unknown critter (Yak?) contaminated by untrained humans who collected the sample.

    Waddimis?

  14. David Pollard

    Campaigning for zoophilia?

    Ia this some sort of weird public relations exercise, timed to coincide with the introduction of legislation against bestiality in Germany?

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/nov/27/germany-bestiality-ban

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Dr. Melba Ketchum

    Gotta catch'em'all

  16. Swoop
    Coat

    This would explain ZZ Top

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      But ZZ Top walk fully upright. They've got legs, and they know how to use them...

      1. jake Silver badge

        I dunno, IaS ...

        Post proof, or retract. Last time I was in the studio with ZZ Top, they were all legless ...

        And I believe the lyric is "she's got legs, and knows how to use them ... ", the bards aren't included in the equation ...

        1. Elmer Phud

          Re: I dunno, IaS ...

          It's the hirsute fur suit - every girl crazy bout a sharp dressed man.

  17. Katie Saucey
    Alien

    Wow

    I think (Dr.) Melba may have spent to much time in the wood, or hanging out with that "ancient aliens" guy from the history channel.

  18. Mips
    Childcatcher

    Sasquatch?

    You mean they found a REAL sample from Sasquatch.

    I think we would have heard about this before.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    > the scientific method demands that disbelief be suspended until peers have reviews and retested.

    For evolution perhaps.

    I thought the normal procedure is to stick with orthodoxy unless proven false.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hybrid of a human and an unknown ape species?

    She's never been to Barnsley, then.

  21. Code Monkey
    Coffee/keyboard

    Stop it!

    I'm running out of upvotes. And coffee.

  22. Some Beggar
    WTF?

    the scientific method demands that disbelief be suspended until peers have reviews and retested

    It does? I must have slept through the "suspension of disbelief" lecture. Did it come between the bit about not accepting anything on face value or the bit about extraordinary claims requiring extraordinary evidence? Or did you just make it up?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Headmaster

      "suspension of disbelief" lecture.

      It comes in the literature course. He didn't make it up, he just got the classrooms mixed up and sat through the wrong lecture.

  23. Mike Richards

    Constitution

    "Government at all levels must recognize them as an indigenous people and immediately protect their human and Constitutional rights against those who would see in their physical and cultural differences a 'license' to hunt, trap, or kill them,"

    I assume Sasquatch will also have the constitutional right to bear arms - which would make the hunting season interesting.

    Let's not overlook the fact that once recognised as human the Big Foot community would be the sort of back-to-basics, small-government, proud American voters that the Republicans need. And don't you think a sasquatch running mate would add gravitas to any Gingrich campaign in 2016?

    1. Elmer Phud

      Re: the right to arm bears

      "I assume Sasquatch will also have the constitutional right to bear arms - which would make the hunting season interesting."

      Got arms like a bear already.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Constitution

      While Big S might be a proud self-reliant small government anthropoid, he is also some sort of commie pinko pervert, what with trotting about the woods naked having bestial rumpy-pumpy .

      Republican constituent? NOT.

  24. Grikath
    Thumb Down

    wait a moment...

    In a variant of "pics or it didn't happen" the "dr." * claims to have received photographic evidence of the critter involved along with sampled material. Unless this is the usual Vague Blob in Shrubbery type, she would have her hands on the first actual visual evidence of these critters, which would in and of itself be enough to shake the world up a little bit.

    Call me a sceptic, but nothing here engenders any form of excitement.

    * A quick trawl for the "dr"s actual qualifications reveals a lot of claims of collaboration with a lot of organisations which could or could not be legit. What it does *not* reveal is her actual academic schooling and career, something which tends to be taken very seriously in academic circles, especially when it comes to the molecular sciences.

    1. Zaphod.Beeblebrox
      Boffin

      Re: wait a moment...

      ↑ This.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      You never know ...

      ... there's a difference between being a sceptic and a complete dick.

      Dr. Melba S. Ketchum biography:

      Dr. Melba S. Ketchum grew up in Texas City, Texas. She attended Texas A&M University where she received her doctorate in Veterinary Medicine after five years at the university. She had a mixed veterinary practice until she founded DNA Diagnostics. Dr. Ketchum is the president and founder of DNA Diagnostics, Inc. d/b/a Shelterwood Laboratories. Established in 1985, DNA Diagnostics has become a leader in all types of DNA testing including: human and animal forensics, human and animal paternity and parentage testing, disease diagnostics, trait tests, animal and human identity testing, species identification and sex determination. Most common species of animals are tested at DNA Diagnostics.

      http://www.coasttocoastam.com/guest/...-melba-s/47325

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Devil

      Re: the molecular sciences...

      Oh, please don't bring moles into this. We have enough species confusion already!

  25. Pirate Dave Silver badge
    Pirate

    For her next project

    Dr Ketchum will provide DNA evidence that Nessie is the offspring of a one night stand between a Komodo dragon and an unknown species, possibly a Charizard.

    1. Johan Bastiaansen
      Go

      Re: For her next project

      And Mr. H. will demonstrate 10 summersets he'll undertake on solid ground

      1. BoldMan

        Re: For her next project

        Excellent Beatles reference there well played sir!

  26. ChristopherPontac

    There never will be a scientific review

    Dr. Melba S. Ketchum has taken the sensible precaution of publishing a press release instead of an article in a peer-reviewed journal. That means, contrary to the optimistic implications of the last couple of sentences, there will never be a scientific review of the claims. The advantage to Dr. Ketchum is that it avoids the exposure of this claim as utter nonsense, and preserves so a nice little publicity-spinner for her company. It's win-win for her, if you don't count self-respect and professional pride.

    Christopher Pontac

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Devil

    So who's next...

    To notice that the daughters of man are fair?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Or

      The daughters of apes are fur.

  28. Johan Bastiaansen
    Angel

    Me me ...

    The daughters of men are fair.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      *Assuming* you're human...

      ...You don't count.

      And if you're not human, what are you doing reading El Reg?

  29. Dave 32
    Coat

    An*l Probing

    But, why hasn't anyone mentioned anal probing yet? After all, the aliens had to get a sample of human DNA to compose the original beasts with, didn't they? And, anal probing probably has less chance of contamination than oral swabbing, which is the current trend in DNA sampling (at least according to the TV show CSI).

    So, the aliens show up, do a bit of anal probing to get a DNA sample of humans, then create a creature roughly similar, which they then release on Earth (Ok, so there was a bit of mutation in that DNA, whether intentional or unintentional). Such creatures then breed with human women, producing bigfoots.

    Of course, those were the failed attempts (probably incorrect DNA mutations). The successful DNA mutations now work in the IT industry.

    Dave

    P.S. Mine's the one with "Genetic Engineering for Dummies" in the pocket.

  30. Peter Ford

    "We describe it as a mosaic of human and novel non-human sequence"

    Or, as we skeptics would say, "Made up"

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