Jokes of no more than 2 lines

This topic was created by Charles Calthrop .

  1. Charles Calthrop
    Thumb Up

    Jokes of no more than 2 lines

    My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Football Manager.

    In my defence, I have Kompany, Vidic, Alves and Lahm

    Boom.

    NEXT

    1. Lachland Davis

      Re: Jokes of no more than 2 lines

      How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

      You look for the fresh prints.

  2. dogged

    I'm going to make a massive donation to an anti-rape charity and I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

  3. Statler

    Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

  4. dogged

    I used to go out with an English Teacher but we eventually broke up because she disliked my improper use of the colon.

  5. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    I looked at the price list in the butcher.

    Deer's expensive.

  6. dogged

    Apparently my sister is into bestiality. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

  7. Angry_Sup

    Two Blonds walk into a bar

    After the first one hit it, you would have thought the other would stop.

  8. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    A horse walks into a bar.

    The barman says, "why the long face?"

    1. magickmark
      Mushroom

      Knotty Problem

      A bit of rope walks in to a bar, the barman say "Are you a bit of rope? We don't serve rope here"

      The rope replys "No I'm afraid not"

      ((rim-shot)) don't forget to tip the waitress!

  9. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    A woman walks into a cocktail bar, and asks for a double-ententre.

    So the barman gives her one.

  10. jake Silver badge

    Entendre.

    Me mate went ice fishing, came home with 40 pounds of ice.

    His wife fried it up, and they both drowned ...

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Entendre.

      Oops. Thanks for the spelling correction. Typos are bad...

      Woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre.

      The barman asks if she'd like a large one?

  11. Drewc Gold badge
    Stop

    Doctor Doctor

    Doctor: Bad news, you have terminal cancer and Alzheimer's.

    Patient: At least I don't have cancer.

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  13. Sir Barry

    When I was in the pub I heard a couple of chaps saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Best told with an innocent expression

      Why do women wear make up and perfume?

      .

      .

      .

      .

      .

      Because they're ugly, and they smell.

      Usually gets a laugh. Sometimes gets stuff thrown at you...

  14. TeeCee Gold badge

    Sports apparel.

    If male rugby players wear jock straps, do female rugby players wear fan belts?

  15. Bob726

    Where do you find a dog with no legs?

    Right where you left him.

  16. annodomini2
    Coat

    What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

    A carrot

  17. jake Silver badge

    My last Boss in a nine-to-five ...

    ... locked his keys in the car.

    He had to call a locksmith to get his wife & kids out.

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  19. Chevalier

    A wife finds out that after 20 years of sex in the dark, her husband has been using a toy on her the entire time.

    She yells at him, "Explain the toy?!" to which he replied "Explain the kids..."

  20. Colin Millar

    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick

    1. Great Bu

      What's brown and sticky?

      Tigger's mate.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What's brown and sticky?

        My poster of beyonce

    2. Miek
      Coat

      Re: What's brown and sticky?

      Masking tape

  21. Colin Millar

    Bedroom rodeo - the rules

    Call out the name of your partner's sister during sex and see how long you can stay on.

  22. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    The old ones are the best ones...

    What's big, red and lies on its side?

    .

    .

    .

    .

    A dead bus.

  23. Colin Millar

    A study recently concluded that licking the sweat from frogs can cure depression,

    The bad news is that when you stop licking the frog gets depressed again.

  24. Chevalier

    What did the elephant say to the naked man?

    How do you breathe through that thing?

  25. Anonymous John

    I had some bad news yesterday. My old friend Gavin died. Choked to death on a indigestion tablet. It's hard to believe that Gavisgone...

  26. GitMeMyShootinIrons

    How many ears does Spock have?

    Three - a left ear, a right ear and a Final Front Ear...

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: How many ears does Spock have?

      How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

      Three: His left ear, his right ear & his wild front ear.

      (Yes, I know, I'm showing my age. Deal with it ...)

  27. ravenviz
    Coat

    What's red and sits in a tree?

    A sanitary owl.

  28. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    There's always Lightbulbs.....

    How many Quantum Physicists does it take to change a Lightbulb?

    One. One to change it and one to normalise the wave function.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

      How many American Cocker Spaniels does it take to change a lightbulb?

      No need. American Cockers will happily pee on the carpet in the dark.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

      How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Only one, but the bulb must really want to change.

      1. Miek
        Coat

        Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

        How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

        1. Pedigree-Pete
          Happy

          Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

          Can't believe this community missed this old classic.

          How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

          None, they just re-define darkness as a new industry standard. Boom.

  29. Chevalier

    A woman goes to the doctor and he tells her he has bad news and worse news. She asked, "Well what's the bad news?" to which he said "You've only got 24 hours to live".

    She replied "My God! What's the worse news?!" and he says "Yeah.. I forgot to call you yesterday..."

  30. ravenviz
    Coat

    What's green, got eight legs, and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree?

    A snooker table.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: What's green, got eight legs, and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree?

      How do you make a snooker table laugh?

      .

      .

      .

      .

      You put your hand in its pockets, and tickle its balls.

  31. jake Silver badge

    How do you make a Kleenex dance?

    Blow it a little boogie.

  32. Chevalier

    What's a ghost's favourite lunch meat?

    Boologna

  33. Colin Millar

    Man "So how long have I got then?" Doctor "about ten"

    Man "Ten what? Years? months? days?" Doctor " Nine, eight, seven......."

  34. Anonymous John

    "Vegan" comes from an old Native American word meaning poor hunter.

  35. Simon Millard
    Coat

    Festive

    Doctor, Doctor, I've got a mince pie stuck in my bum.

    No worry's, I've got some cream for that.

  36. Chevalier

    A man goes to the doctor and finds out he's going to die soon. He acts the doctor, "How long do I have to live?"

    The doctor says "Ten..." and the man asks, confused "Ten what? Days? Months?" The doctor replies "Nine... eight..."

  37. Harvey Trowell
    Coat

    Hear the one about the magic tractor?

    It went down a lane and turned into a field.

  38. Harvey Trowell
    Coat

    A man in a pub asks for a pack of helicopter-flavoured crisps.

    The barman says "Sorry mate, we've only got plain".

  39. Anonymous Coward 15

    What's brown and sounds like a bell?

    Dung.

  40. TeeCee Gold badge

    Two blokes looking at tellies in a shop.

    One said "That's the one I'd get" and a passing cyclops punched him in the face.

  41. Anonymous Coward 15

    What's white and sticky?

    PVA glue.

    1. Drewc Gold badge

      Re: What's white and sticky and hangs off clouds?

      The Coming of The Lord...

  42. Ageless Stranger

    What's the definition of faith?

    Something you wash with thoap

  43. Menelaus-uk

    What's the most dangerous thing in a forest?

    A squirrel with a flick knife.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: What's the most dangerous thing in a forest?

      For my fellow yanks, a "flick knife" is a switchblade (or sometimes a gravity knife).

  44. Parax

    What is the most common owl in Britain?

    The teat owl

  45. Dexter's Indignation
    Angel

    Two words

    "Dwarf Shortage"

    Jimmy Carr

  46. nuked
    Coat

    Two fish in a tank. One says to the other - "how do you drive this thing"

  47. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  48. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge

    What do men do standing up, women do sitting down and dogs do on three legs?

    Shake hands.

    Kids love this joke because they all want to say "pee".

  49. J P

    What's green and turns red at the touch of a button?

    A frog in a liquidiser.

  50. J P

    What's green, whistles and turns red at the touch of a button?

    A frog in a liquidiser, pretending it doesn't care.

  51. TeeCee Gold badge

    What's green and goes BANG at the touch of a button?

    A frog sitting on a kilo of C4.

  52. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    What's 2 foot tall and can't turn corners?

    ...

    ...

    A baby with a spear through it's head.

    1. DuncanL

      Aahhhh the classy baby jokes - popular when I was at school.

      What's pink and fluffy?

      A baby in a tumble drier....

      Hard to imagine that was an acceptable joke!

      1. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  53. squigbobble

    I used an SQL injection attack on match.com to select GETDATE()...

    ...still single :(

  54. J P

    Why do monkeys paint their testicles red?

    So they can hide up cherry trees.

  55. J P

    What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

    A giraffe eating cherries

  56. trafalgar

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    (I don't know?)

    To visit his lover/gay friend.

    Knock, knock

    (Who's there?)

    The chicken.

  57. Beaufin

    There are only 10 types of programmer

    those that understand binary and those that don't

  58. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A man walks into a bar.

    He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

  59. Martin Budden Bronze badge

    Why should you zip your fly when visiting Russia? Chernobyl fallout.

  60. wowfood

    Two scientists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of H20" the second says "I'll have a glass of H2O too"

    The second scientist died.

  61. Joe Harrison

    Chickens as usual

    Why did the chicken cross half-way across the road?

    It was a Rhode Island Red

  62. Joe Harrison

    Cake shop

    Man goes into a cake shop, points at a cake, and says "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

    Shopkeeper says "no you were right, it certainly is a macaroon"

    1. Pedigree-Pete
      Happy

      Re: Cake shop

      Cake shop

      Man goes into a "Glasgow" cake shop, points at a cake, and says "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

      Shopkeeper says "no you were right, it certainly is a macaroon"

      TFTFY

  63. mhoneywell

    How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

    With jam in.

  64. Drew 11

    No chickens

    Why did the sheep cross the road?

    To visit her boyfriend.

    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

  65. cordwainer 1

    A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar.

    The leprechaun looks around and says, "Saints preserve us! I'm in the wrong joke!"

  66. wowfood

    A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

    The logician says, "Yes."

  67. Toolman83

    I like my women like I like my software design processes

    Top down...

    (Also works for bottom up aficionados)

    I'll get my coat

  68. Suburban Inmate

    Two condoms are walking past a gay pub.

    One says to the other "Do you wanna get shitfaced?"

  69. Drewc Gold badge

    A skeleton walks into a bar and says...

    Give me a pint of beer and a mop.

  70. Michael Shelby

    veni, vidi, V.D. ...

    I came, I saw, I cankered.

  71. nipsy

    I go to scat orgies every weekend.

    I'm a real party pooper.

  72. nipsy

    My missus was so clever at school.

    She got more A's than a scouser trying to break up a fight.

  73. nipsy

    Having watched Benefits street, it's not much different to Sesame Street.

    Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin, and people trying to learn the alphabet.

  74. andreas koch
    Headmaster

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  75. UnauthorisedAccess

    Why do data modelers never find true love?

    One to Many relationships.

  76. Jamie Jones Silver badge

    I'vs just completed this new 4 week diet....

    ....All I lost was 28 days

  77. hi_robb
    Joke

    Some of mine.

    The wife's been reading all the letters beginning with 'S' in the dictionary!

    I think she's up to something..

    --

    Scotland should open a place for quick divorces called Regretna Green.

    --

    Play Justin Bieber's songs backwards and you can hear a message from Satan!

    Worse, if you play them forwards you hear Justin Bieber.

    --

    I'm reading 'The Art Of Whispering - Volume One'

    --

    I used to take steroids but stopped when I started growing an extra penis!

    "Anabolic?"

    No, just a penis..

    --

    I got assaulted last night by some bastard with a power tool!!

    There I was minding my own business when 'Bosch.'

    --

    How do you make a horse drink?

    With a massive blender!

    --

    Lollipop Ladies, they make me cross.

    --

    Schrödinger's cat walks in to a bar / Schrödinger's cat doesn't walk in to a bar.

    --

    I had an accident in the office earlier!

    It was bring your child to work day.

    --

    Ironically in a list of all the phobias that people suffer from, the fear of heights is right near the top.

    --

    Sherlock: "Watson?"

    Watson: "Nothing Holmes, telly is crap tonight"

    --

    How do you grow an LSD tree?

    A seed...

    --

    Everyone knows who Beyonce is, but not many know her cousin Beytwice!

    --

    I've written a song about Jimmy Savile's willy!

    It's in a minor..

    --

    Man caught stealing hay has been released on bail..

    --

    I haven't contacted my mate Frodo Baggins for ages, I think I'll give him a ring..

    --

    I call my loofah 'Lex'

    --

    The wife's just moved out because of my obsession with Ultravox!

    This means nothing to me.

    --

    Wow, it turns out the young musician of the year is a kiddy fiddler..

    --

    I've just given the kids a dead arm each!

    I'll give them the rest of their mothers body later..

    --

    Big shout out to the hard of hearing.

    --

    I hate weebles, self righteous bastards..

    --

    I phoned a local restaurant earlier and asked if they done home delivery?

    Them: "We do Sir"

    Me: "Fantastic, I'll have a bungalow.."

    --

    My New Years resolution?

    To buy a Velcro sofa! Hopefully I'll stick to it..

    --

    The wife asked me to buy her a One Direction ticket!

    So I have..

    To Australia.

    --

    That should do you for a while. I've got loads more in Twitter @hi_robb if you want to have a look.

    D

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Some of mine.

      Sorry, robb. Two lines. Obviously, you are a twit. But thanks for pointing the obvious out in your final paragraph. Kinda made me ::giggle:: Almost.

      1. hi_robb

        Re: Some of mine.

        Yep, I posted mainly 2 line jokes, not just 2 lines and 1 joke.

        If I post more, I'll stick to the 2 line per post format.

  78. Bottle_Cap

    How many cowboys are there in a tin of tomatos?

    Non - they're all redskins

    /coat

  79. hi_robb

    Another of mine

    Laying a drive with rubble and glitter, that's pretty hardcore.

  80. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Another old one...

    A man woke up on the beach of a desert island and realised that he'd been painted dark red...

    ...He'd been marooned.

  81. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Umm...

    What goes "Yelp, leap, bong, splash, yelp, leap, bong, splash, yelp, leap,bong, splash...?

    A frog in a pressure cooker.

  82. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ...oh noes...

    What goes "Bip, bip, bippity-bip, bip, bip, bippity-bip-bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bippity...?

    A ping-pong ball in a tornado.

  83. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ...sigh...

    What's red and comes in tubes?

    Underground train disasters.

  84. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ...???...

    How do you know that elephants have been hiding in your fridge?

    Footprints in the custard.

  85. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ...Ooer...

    What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

    A 'Dyouthinkesaurus'

  86. nipsy

    Auto-correct made me say things I didn't Nintendo.

  87. Captain DaFt

    "Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion" - Spike Milligan

  88. nipsy

    ibs

    I've just bought the British IBS Society's charity advent calendar.

    For fuck's sake, somebody open a window.

  89. nipsy

    if you are addicted to porn,

    you can now get tablets for it.

  90. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What do New York Jewish psychiatrists say when they meet?

    You're fine, how am I?

  91. David 132 Silver badge
    Joke

    Apologies to the original author

    A blonde walked into a butcher's, flushed and panting, and asked for his pork in cider.

    Or of course the all-time classic from St. Pterry:

    "Why, sirrah, why may a caudled fillhorse be deemed the brother to a hiren candle in the night?

    Withal, because a candle may be greased, yet a fillhorse be without a fat argier"

    The problem with me posting this online is that it's impossible for me to now bonk you lightly on the head with a bladder-on-a-stick, without which, of course, the joke just falls completely flat, dammit.

  92. David 132 Silver badge

    (c) Bobby Chariot, world's top warm-up man:

    "Recently, my holiday home was burned down by Welsh Nationalists.

    Bit rough really, coz it was in Spain."

  93. David 132 Silver badge

    There's a new Disney movie coming...

    ...about a girl who really, really likes the base of a statue.

    But then, don't all their movies involve finding a plinth charming?

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: There's a new Disney movie coming...

      Are you certain the movie is coming?

      Or is it just breathing hard?

  94. hi_robb

    Boxers

    I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night when the wife said to me...

    "You spoil those dogs."

  95. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
    Childcatcher

    A very, very old one

    Why are there so many cuckolds?

    Because so many people get married.

  96. Julovme

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

    WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

    SYLVIA: I froze to death.

    WANDA: How horrible!...

    SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

    What about you?

    WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

    SYLVIA: So, what happened?

    WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

    SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

    1. jake Silver badge

      @ Julovme

      How many people does it take to count to two?

      Probably 10, if you're digitally inclined.

  97. jim parker

    The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to santa

  98. Stephen Keane

    The dyslexic atheist who laid awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

  99. Sir Barry

    I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer, I dunno what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

    I was in Thailand recently and I picked up one of them she-man's. I mean, I thought she was a women at first.

    It wasn't until she drove me back to her place and she started backing into the garage that I thought to myself "Hang on a f%$king minute...."

  100. magickmark
    Coat

    None today thank you!

    Two nuns in a bath one says "Where's the soap?" the seconds says "Yes it does!"

    (say it out loud!)

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: None today thank you!

      Note to my fellow yanks: Say it with a limey accent.

      1. Mardifleur
        WTF?

        Re: None today thank you!

        Ooo-kaaayyyy, self-admitted 'bit of a dim bulb' here....

        I've said it in my best Cockney,Mancusian, RP, and even Geordie accents and I'm STILL not 'getting it'...where in blazes am I getting it wrong???

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: None today thank you!

          Think location vs deterioration.

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  102. Colin Millar

    How do you know the CIA wasn't behind the Kennedy assasination?

    Because he's dead

  103. Sir Barry

    Donation

    Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

    I gave him a glass of water.

  104. Sir Barry

    Perspective

    Life is all about perspective.

    The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

  105. Sir Barry

    Study

    A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

  106. Sir Barry

    History

    Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

    Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

  107. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Never say "N factorial" - just shout "N" at the top of your voice.

  108. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Do you want some sodium?"

    "Na"

  109. LionelB

    The clocks go back tomorrow night... but I'm not losing any sleep over it.

  110. Sir Barry

    Give a man a fish and he will Instagram it; teach a man to fish and he will still Instagram it.

  111. Sir Barry

    My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

  112. Sir Barry

    Prescription

    My doctor gave me a prescription for daily sex, but my girlfriend insists it is for dyslexia.

  113. TeeCee Gold badge

    And now, the news.

    Police have arrested a Cornish / Italian muslim man and are holding him under prevention of terrorism provisions.

    When arrested he was carrying a rucksack containing a pasty and antipasti.

  114. Sir Barry

    Said by...

    At times it is very important whether a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

    A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie last night!”

  115. Proctalgia Fugax

    Starting a Sperm Bank isn't cheap.

    You have to pump millions into it.

  116. Baldy50

    Old, sorry!

    Q: What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

    A: Santa stops after 3 ho's.

  117. adnim Silver badge

    Doctor, doctor

    I went to see my doctor yesterday and he told me that I have to stop masturbating.

    When I asked why, he said... "I am trying to examine you".

  118. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    "Dumb Jokes That Are Funny"

    http://theoatmeal.com/djtaf/

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  124. Baldy50

    Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

    He had locomotives!

  125. james 68

    America.

    The free......

    (2 lines and bloody hilarious)

  126. Baldy50

    Bush shoe game.

    http://www.sockandawe.com/

    Anyone bored?

  127. Axman

    I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool last night. I won.....

    I put Stevie Gerrard for every answer.

  128. Axman

    I secretly swapped over all the chocolate bars and wrappers in our fridge the other day.

    My missus didn't find it at all funny though, she got her Snickers in a Twix.

  129. Axman

    How do you get your wife to notice your new car made out of spaghetti?

    You need to drive pasta.

  130. Axman

    Here's a Christmas one...

    I’ve bought my nephew and niece a colonoscopy set for Christmas.

    I can’t wait to see their little faeces.

  131. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
    Happy

    Ah bad jokes...

    I have developed an irrational fear of enclosed grottoes.

    Yes, I suffer from santaclaustrophobia.

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  133. Axman

    I’ve been prescribed an anti-gloating cream…

    It hurts when you rub it in.

  134. Torry_Cox

    Learned to slash his asshole, sat down on the stump and gasped

  135. Bottle_Cap
    Coat

    What sounds does a quantum duck make?

    Quark, Quark

  136. austin81

    my wife didnt believe id made a fully working car out of spaghetti......

    you should have seen her face when i drove pasta...

  137. JacobEye

    Here's from my side.

    One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..

    It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.

    it cracked me up completely. Got this one from reddit.

  138. David_Michaels

    My wife said that she would let me hang out with other girls.

  139. austin81

    paper bag has no idea how he got aids.......

    turns out his mom was a carrier..

  140. ellemorgan

    just 2 lines

    Me: I love You Darling

    She: Who The Fuck You ARE?!! :D

  141. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  142. Heehee

    How do insects know where all the bug hotels are?

    "they consult thrip adviser

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