Jokes of no more than 2 lines
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Football Manager.
In my defence, I have Kompany, Vidic, Alves and Lahm
The wife's been reading all the letters beginning with 'S' in the dictionary!
I think she's up to something..
Scotland should open a place for quick divorces called Regretna Green.
Play Justin Bieber's songs backwards and you can hear a message from Satan!
Worse, if you play them forwards you hear Justin Bieber.
I'm reading 'The Art Of Whispering - Volume One'
I used to take steroids but stopped when I started growing an extra penis!
No, just a penis..
I got assaulted last night by some bastard with a power tool!!
There I was minding my own business when 'Bosch.'
How do you make a horse drink?
With a massive blender!
Lollipop Ladies, they make me cross.
Schrödinger's cat walks in to a bar / Schrödinger's cat doesn't walk in to a bar.
I had an accident in the office earlier!
It was bring your child to work day.
Ironically in a list of all the phobias that people suffer from, the fear of heights is right near the top.
Watson: "Nothing Holmes, telly is crap tonight"
How do you grow an LSD tree?
Everyone knows who Beyonce is, but not many know her cousin Beytwice!
I've written a song about Jimmy Savile's willy!
It's in a minor..
Man caught stealing hay has been released on bail..
I haven't contacted my mate Frodo Baggins for ages, I think I'll give him a ring..
I call my loofah 'Lex'
The wife's just moved out because of my obsession with Ultravox!
This means nothing to me.
Wow, it turns out the young musician of the year is a kiddy fiddler..
I've just given the kids a dead arm each!
I'll give them the rest of their mothers body later..
Big shout out to the hard of hearing.
I hate weebles, self righteous bastards..
I phoned a local restaurant earlier and asked if they done home delivery?
Them: "We do Sir"
Me: "Fantastic, I'll have a bungalow.."
My New Years resolution?
To buy a Velcro sofa! Hopefully I'll stick to it..
The wife asked me to buy her a One Direction ticket!
So I have..
That should do you for a while. I've got loads more in Twitter @hi_robb if you want to have a look.
A blonde walked into a butcher's, flushed and panting, and asked for his pork in cider.
Or of course the all-time classic from St. Pterry:
"Why, sirrah, why may a caudled fillhorse be deemed the brother to a hiren candle in the night?
Withal, because a candle may be greased, yet a fillhorse be without a fat argier"
The problem with me posting this online is that it's impossible for me to now bonk you lightly on the head with a bladder-on-a-stick, without which, of course, the joke just falls completely flat, dammit.
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!...
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer, I dunno what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
I was in Thailand recently and I picked up one of them she-man's. I mean, I thought she was a women at first.
It wasn't until she drove me back to her place and she started backing into the garage that I thought to myself "Hang on a f%$king minute...."
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